Monday, October 7, 2013

Green Arrow #24

This looks like the cover of a Choose Your Own Adventure book.

If I were reading a Green Arrow Choose Your Own Adventure Story, the first choice I'd make would be, "Pick up a different book and turn to page one."

I've been so thoroughly traumatized by reading J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti's versions of Green Arrow that I can't stand to look at this book anymore. Even though Sorrentino's art is beautiful and Lemire is creating an interesting myth surrounding Green Arrow, I still picture the douchey fucker that was beating up people simply because they were getting famous pulling stupid pranks on YouTube. And isn't this asshole broke now? How the fuck is he flying all over the world in search of the fabled Gold Monkey Green Arrow? Does his Justice League of America stipend cover non-Justice League of America related travels?

Maybe the first page will explain it all to me since Lemire Lobdelled this issue!

How come he doesn't mention any history from his earlier iss...oh yeah. I wouldn't want new readers to know about that shit either.

Green Arrow's balance is all fucked up from having his ear drum blown out by Count Vertigo. But there's nothing he can do about it because he lost his health insurance when Queen Industries went under and he can't afford to pay for insurance out of pocket anyway since he has no job. And even if he could scrape together enough to pay every month, he'd still have to pay the same amount to have a doctor check out his ear as if he didn't have health insurance. But don't worry, Americans! That will all be fixed now that the government is forcing everybody to buy into the privatized health care system that is the best system in the world because they are driven by profits and everybody knows that's the best incentive there is! Universal health care is a great idea but you can't half ass it like America is trying to do and pretend that it's going to work. Either you socialize the entire thing or you leave it up to the populace to freely purchase from private companies. What you don't do is force the populace to begin doing business with profit-driven insurance companies that don't actually give a shit about keeping people healthy and actually make uninsured health care way more expensive than it needs to be. Fuck you, America. I hope you never come back online. By the way, I'm absolutely deducting every day that the government is shut down from my taxes at the end of the year. If you aren't working, you aren't getting paid, bitches.

Count Vertigo is currently fucking up downtown Seattle, so Green Arrow will have to arrange a trip to the hospital later. At least he doesn't have to pay for another international flight to hunt down Vertigo himself. For some reason, the bastard thought Shado and Arrow were important enough to make a house call.

Fyff sure has gotten fat since he first met Oliver Queen. I like it! DC needs more fat characters. Although they don't all have to be anti-social, depressed nerds like Fyff and Jent. Remember when Amanda Waller was fat and she was the only person that could intimidate The Goddamned Batman? She was my hero.

Shado and Naomi hit the streets to take care of Count Vertigo not because Green Arrow can't handle it but because Lemire needed to get the two women alone so that Shado can mention how she noticed that Naomi was in love with Green Arrow. I guess the way Naomi was vigorously rubbing her crotch and sticking her finger up her ass as she gazed longingly at Oliver's man-meat gave her away.

Before Shado can shoot her Rocket Propelled Boxing Glove EMP Arrow at Count Vertigo, she's attacked by Richard Dragon, Kung Fu Fighter! He'd like Shado to not hurt Count Vertigo and to also deliver a message to Green Arrow about how Seattle isn't big enough for the two of them. I bet Richard Dragon is the Master of the Fisting Clan! Which means he should have a mummified fist on him somewhere.

Actually, you do know you have two ears, right Ollie?

Count Vertigo wanders around the streets of Seattle saying things that make a lot of sense. But then Green Arrow appears to stop him because Count Vertigo, while making sense with the words coming out of his mouth, is also destroying everything and killing cops. So that probably needs to be stopped.

Stop saying things I agree with, Count Vertigo! And while I agree with his harsh criticisms of America, I seriously doubt living in Vlatlava is anywhere close to as enjoyable as living in America. We've got some serious problems but at least nobody shoots us in the head for disagreeing with each other. Well, at least government officials don't. Just don't disagree with your neighbor here!

Green Arrow manages to keep his vertigo legs since he's had some practice against this madman and with having a loss of balance over the last several days from his eardrum injury. He punches Vertigo in the face and rips out his vertigo inducing apparatus. I'm not sure Green Arrow's relationship with the Seattle Police (that always seems to be a touchy relationship, the one between the hometown mundane peace keepers and the home town super heroes) but one of them catches Ollie as he nearly stumbles and says, "Easy, G.A. I got you." I actually like this moment a lot just because I feel these guys out on the street would have a certain respect for even a vigilante who, when it comes right down to it, isn't very different from them. It's not like he can fly or is invulnerable or has super-strenght or has anything interesting about him at all actually. He's just an idiot with a mask and a bow and arrow trying to keep the streets safe. You've got to admire that. I guess. Maybe. I mean, I don't. But the cops probably do!

Suicide Squad, here comes Count Vertigo! You know Amanda is going to want to use his vertigo powers so she'll have the apparatus reattached for some future mission. Also, I hope Ambush Bug wasn't flying that news copter. Although I wouldn't mind if Bethany Snow had been on board.

The issue ends with Diggle (I believe this guy was created in the Arrow television show) dropping in on Clock King with a proposition that they band together to help stop whatever bullshit is going down in Seattle (you know that bullshit! Richard Dragon killing everybody!). But since Diggle really isn't known for anything except his role in a television show, next issue will be about how he fits in to The New 52 in a Zero Year issue! Great. Is Batman's Zero Year crap going to affect all the comic books?!

Green Arrow #24 Rating: +3 Ranking. Out of the three dragons, have only Shado and Richard Dragon been exposed? Will the third dragon be the one released from Katana's sword?! Ha ha! Like Jeff Lemire would allow any more of Nocenti's taint on this comic book. Why is that sentence providing me with sexy images in the mind area? And you just know Vertigo will end up in Belle Reve where he'll get excellent health care at no cost out of pocket! Lucky bastard.

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