Saturday, October 12, 2013

Green Lantern Corps #24

I spent most of my preteen years playing with action figures too, Relic! Yes, yes, my teen years too. And college. And what do you call the period of your life between college and death? Include that time as well.

Next issue this comic book is going to be retitled "Green Lantern Corpse" and will be twenty pages of John Stewart slowly decaying.

But first, the continuing tale of Relic the Horrible Scientist and his attack on Family Values! I haven't really been paying very close attention.

"Oh yeah, Carol! Now it's time to fuck like you like it! Hard, fast, and unsatisfying!" "You know Hal, little oral would be nice." "OH YEAH! I'm a Green Lantern, baby!"

Hal Jordan loves science just about as much as Relic does. When Salaak informs Hal that Oa was inextricably linked to the Power Battery and it will now blow up, Hal decides not believing that fact will stop it from happening. After all, belief is all you need to work a Power Ring, so why doesn't it work on physics as well? Although maybe it's Salaak who sucks at science and has no real evidence that Oa will explode at all. He might be basing his assumption on lies told to him by the Guardians to keep wayward children from wantonly destroying the Main Power Battery.

John Stewart's plan is to distract Relic using himself and a few recruits while Hal and the rest of the Green Lantern Corps escape. Hal Jordan thinks it's a good plan because fuck the new recruits! And John Stewart! Hal Jordan nearly killed himself a few issues ago to keep from putting new recruits in danger but he's learned a few things about leadership since then. And the most important thing is this: the leader should be the last one to die! That's why I always declare myself leader whenever I'm in a large group of people. I do it silently and to myself but as long as the universe knows who's in charge, I'm perfectly safe!

Hal Jordan even left his new recruits behind! Probably because the little guy hit him in the head and my favoritest Green Lantern ever, Jenny, has a numerical name that he can't remember. To be fair, I can't remember either. But to be more fair, whenever I try to string together a bunch of numbers, they just come out as 8675309.

John and his recruits throw some punches and some rocks and a few buildings as well until Relic is completely distracted. At that point, Hal and Kyle and Carol and Kilowog and all the other Green Lanterns whose names I can never remember flee Oa. Hopefully for the last time! Goodbye, Oa! Goodbye! Don't worry! I'm sure the Green Lanterns will recreate you out of light in a future story.

Hal also gives the order to release all of the prisoners in the Sciencells including Kanjar Ro! Yay! Now we can look forward to many years of the Green Lanterns fighting all of their old enemies again! Now that's a proper Reboot!

And, of course, John and the recruits continue to battle Relic even though they know they can't win and the planet is going to explode out from under their feet. Or whatever they have where feet would be if they were humanoid.

Don't worry. It's not just you. Who can remember anybody's name ever?! It always surprises me when I come up with somebody's name instead of just saying, "You know? What's her name?"

During the fight, Jruk loses his good axe arm. And then Egann the Lizard Man (I only remembered his name because John mentioned it earlier) offers to sacrifice himself so the other, younger recruits can escape. And it actually makes me tear up a little bit. Although it also makes me happy since I said this in my last Green Lantern Corps commentary:

It turns out that Feska is okay, of course! I would have had to turn a pouty face in Van Jensen’s direction if he’d killed her. I think the only one of these new recruits he can kill, story-wise, is all of them. But I suspect that the one that he can kill if he needs to is the old lizard man. I sincerely hope that he doesn’t, of course! I love them all!

Master Comic Book Reader strikes again! Although it's a bit unfair since I practically know Van Jensen, being one friend in common away from each other on Facebook!

Ergann whispers, "Just before one of my people die, we find a young, sexy, well-muscled black humanoid to vigorously suck our dual pronged dick while going elbow deep into our rectal cavity with their non-dominant hand." The look on John Stewart's face says, "Not again."

Ergann manages to keep Relic and his ship on the exploding planet by holding the siphoning claw that Relic's ship attached to Ergann's construct. The rest of the recruits manage to get away. And Oa, well...

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Green Lantern Corps #24 Rating: +3 Ranking simply for the destruction of Oa. How can Relic be stopped?! I think the best way is to sit him down with a real scientist to crunch some numbers and run some experiments to prove to him that his "Peak Emotion" hypothesis is faulty.

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