Bane #1

Bane wants you to cough, motherfucker.

Wow, I feel great! Renewed! Like I've slept for two days straight! I'm also excited that I only have two issues left for Villains Month! Let's get this shit over with!

When last we saw Bane, his plans to storm Gotham and take it over (again!) were foiled by Talon. The art was shitty and the story wound up being less than exciting and Talon is a great big disappointment. But Bane has decided that his plan to take over Gotham City is immediately back on again since Batman has disappeared!

Idiot. You're forgetting the most important part of that Thermodynamic Law! "An object in motion remains in motion until it comes up against The Goddamned Batman."

You know how when you've been a customer for a company for many years and you're paying the same rates you've always paid and then they offer a spectacular deal to incoming customers but they won't extend the deal to the customers that have been with them for years? You know how that is? That's what it must feel like to be a villain in the DC Universe! Just think! For years and years, Lex Luthor and The Joker and The Penguin and Brainiac have been trying to take down Batman and Superman. But they've never been allowed to be truly successful. So when DC decides Batman should be broken and Superman should die, do they choose from their loyal base of super villains? No! They have to go and bring in a brand new villain with the lure of a deal that's too good to be true! So in waltz Bane and Doomsday and just like that, they win! It's enough to make your hair fall out or drive you insane.

Bane gets a short origin myth where he takes the place of his father in Peña Dura Prison when his father escaped. I don't know if it's a typo of "Peña Duro" or if DC actually decided to change the name for some reason. I believe Bane's Preboot origin was that he was born in prison but here he is a child when he takes the place of his father. The origin myth doesn't really clarify if Bane was forced to take his father's place or if Bane took it willingly. It's a little bit ambiguous but either way, it is looked on by Bane's followers as an act of strength.

You know what? I'm not done with that bit about Bane and Doomsday strolling in and getting all the glory! Now, I don't mind the way Bane happened. It was a pretty epic run of comics and some fairly chaotic shit. Batman was driven to the end of his rope and, in the end, it was mostly exhaustion which caused him to fail. But Doomsday? This big shit just comes out of nowhere, punches Superman a bunch of times, and kills him? That was pretty bad but the worst part of it all was snatching the glory of Superman's defeat out of Lex Luthor's hands. It should have been Lex Luthor. I don't care how much DC wanted to surprise the fans or what kind of a bad-ass villain design they wanted to come up with. It still should have been Lex. That was poor form, DC. Really poor form.

This is the current, although interim, warden at Blackgate Prison. Something tells me her job is going to soon become the worst job on Earth. After the guy who has to sterilize the glory holes.

I don't know if Agatha is a new character or not but I already like her do to my shallow qualifications for a likable character. Does she have an eye-patch? Check! Does she have white streaks in her hair? Check! Is she doing her job reluctantly? Check! Does she swear within the confines of a Teen Rated Comic Book? She says "crappy" and that's good enough! Check! I love Warden Agatha! She also looks a bit like Lois Lane. Perhaps it's Lois in disguise! That would explain the eye-patch and the streak in her hair! But look at those shoes! Total Lois Lane shoes.

They haven't given Agatha's last name yet but I'm sure it's something like Montoya or something. She probably has a sister in the police force or whatever. Pretty solid guesses, hunh?! Those are the kind of amazing insights that keep the readers coming back for more! The other reason is because I scream "FUCK YOU!" a lot.

And then on the next page we get her last name: Zorbatos. I'm fairly certain that's Greek which explains the eye-patch.

And then on the page after that, there's trouble!

I don't think The White Rabbit was ever captured and I'm certain that she wouldn't be allowed to prance around in that suit in prison, so she must have set everybody free.

The White Rabbit is still working with Bane for some reason. Although I don't know if she was working for him during that horribly awful piece of shit David Finch initial Batman: The Dark Knight story and zipping about filling everybody with Venom or if she was just being a general nuisance while giving Finch some cheesecake to draw each month. From the looks of this, she and Bane are pretty tight. I hope Warden Agatha shoots her in her stupid fucking face.

The issue ends with Bane and his army off the coast of Gotham, ready to shoot up Venom and take the city in the name of Bane. That story will be told in Forever Evil: Arkham War. And I hope Warden Agatha kicks a ton of ass in it.

Bane #1 Rating: I'm not much of a fan of Bane, probably because I've never read Secret Six. But this issue was better than a good chunk of Villains Month issues. So there's that, at least.