Stormwatch #24

More like "Rise of Excremax," amirite?

I bet Jim Starlin thought up Extremax back in the nineties but then couldn't figure out how to write him into whatever the fuck Jim Starlin was writing in the nineties. And then the wave of really stupid fucking names that had to show how bloody and deathy and extreme all the characters were ended. Jim Starlin spent the next fifteen years punching himself in the balls and crying out, "Why God? Why?! When will I ever be able to introduce Extremax to the comic book adoring public?!" Finally one day when he was punching himself in the genitalia a few extra times for good measure, he got the call from DC Comics. "How would you like to be the new writer on Stormwatch?!" And just like that, Jim Starlin flipped off God for never coming through and leaving Jim Starlin to work out how to receive a call from DC to write a comic book with ties to the era in which a character as extreme as Extremax could be introduced! And now, comic book lovers everywhere, rejoice in the appearance of...I don't know, some time-manipulating Galactus character thing.

Last issue, The Engineer was possessed by some creature named A-I to bring Stormwatch the good word. So once again, The Engineer becomes possessed. You'd think she'd have some kind of super nano-firewall to stop this kind of shit from happening. Even though A-I said her message was one that would help save the Earth, Midnighter does the right thing and tries to kill her. That's when she knocks him out so he can become unconscious and remember how he met Apollo aboard the Daemonite (or Owl) spaceship where they were both experimented on and given their powers.

EXTREMAX THE OMEGA! Even better!

It turns out that Angie is okay and she doesn't mind being used as a mouthpiece for A-I. Excremax the Ohmergerd is a super powerful omnipotent deity with technology greater than that of the Shadowlords. What an omnipotent deity needs with technology is beyond me but what do I know? I'm still trying to figure out what color timeline we're all really living in. I think we're in the Chartreuse Timeline. A-I decides to tell the Origin Story of Excremax the Ohmergerd because he wasn't always the "astral dynamo he is today." I suppose I shouldn't have taken her "omnipotent deity" so strictly since she was just using them as comparatives to Stormwatch's power. I should probably not have skipped every class discussion on metaphor or simile during my educational career. But who could resist saying "It's like I'm there!" while drinking in the morning on some beach instead of sitting in a class learning what the fuck similes and metaphors are used for. I think I do just fine taking every word everybody utters literally.

A-I tells of a self-made man that pulled himself up by his bootstraps through his own intelligence, hard work, and talents. But now that I know not to take every word people say literally, I think this is an analogy if not an outright lie! She might as well be quoting a bullshit Horatio Alger novel. At one point, a child that began doing the most dangerous work in the company somehow comes to own that company. Yes, that's usually what happens. If you work your way up the corporate ladder, you eventually simply become owner of the corporation! Anything can happen if you just keep working hard and never give up! What pluck and determination! What stick-to-itiveness! What self-motivation! Excremax the Ohmergerd truly is an example for all Americans! And since Americans are the great example of everybody else on Earth, Excremax is an example to us all. Every one of us! You can pull yourself up by your own bootstraps without anybody else's help! Everybody in a position of power, everybody with any wealth, everybody living a life of even minor luxuries: they all did it themselves!

Hey, nobody said you had to do it while being a morally chaste stick in the mud! Lesson #1 on being successful: "You've got to break the rules to make the rules!" It also helps if Crayola Timelords fuck with the time stream to bring about the timeline in which you strike it rich.

Excremax the Ohmergerd has been growing in power for fifty thousand years. He has replaced his body countless times. And he flies about the universe on the greatest battle cruiser ever developed! Warworld!

Oops. I mean, Alcazar Astral! I was thinking of Jim Starlin's DC Comics Presents story about the universe's most powerful ship which also goes about robbing planets of their resources to fuel its journey. You know, the one he repurposed for Mongul #1 and isn't anything like the Alcazar Astral. Sorry about the confusion!

A-I estimates that sixty billion people have died due to Excremax's lifestyle. Across 50,000 years? That's not so bad! That's a mere 1.2 million people per year! That's practically nothing! I say, "Leave him be!"

After a minor break where Apollo punches Lobo through the wall because all of this explication wasn't resulting in any kind of comic book violence whatsoever, A-I mentions that Excremax the Ohmergerd was doing quite well until three hundred years ago when he met The Crayola Timelords.

So the Crayola Timelords are Luddites that can change time? Why don't they just change time to eliminate this guy if he's such a thorn in their fiery heads?

Perhaps we'll soon find out that the Crayola Timelords changed time to bring about the perfect version of Stormwatch to defeat Excremax! I wonder if Twat Lobo will arrive on the scene or if he's in the normal colored timeline where the other New 52 books are located.

A-I continues her blah blah blah because Jim Starlin has apparently figured out his next story but he needed a full issue worth of set-up to tie everything together. What it essentially comes down to is everybody is after the final piece of a powerful and ancient artifact which is located on Earth. Excremax has a piece. The Kollective have a piece. And now A-I wants a piece so that she has some leverage between the two asshole cosmic forces.

Meanwhile, Lobo doesn't seem to mind that he was thrown through a wall earlier. Why should he? He's just a raving lunatic asshole that likes nothing better than to throw punches, drink, swear, and kill. I guess sometimes he likes to lie low and listen to lectures as well.

This issue is almost over and Stormwatch has not quite fallen yet. Actually, they've done nothing but listen to the story of Excrmax the Ohmergerd. Although Excremax finally does appear in his ship, Alcazar Astral which is bigger than Earth's moon. But nobody on Earth notices and the physical laws of gravity are being defied because Excremax is traveling in STEALTH MODE!

After telling her long story, A-I tells Stormwatch that Excremax isn't the problem. The Crayola Timelords are. They're going to destroy Earth to get the artifact and Stormwatch's only hope is joining with Excremax. But those negotiations will have to happen next issue because A-I talked the fuck out of this one. And not in an entertaining way! More like a second grade teacher boringly telling his students lies about the pilgrims first meeting with the Native Americans. Although this issue did result in the best drawing of Aquaman ever!

You know what? It's not quite as derpy when seen this large. Whatever.

Stormwatch #24 Rating: -2 Ranking. This issue was simply boring. It felt like Jim Starlin changed direction on his Crayola Timelord's motivations and then decided he wanted to add Warworld to The Ebony Timeline. Well, mission accomplished! But it wasn't executed very successfully.