Constantine #7

He can have my soul! Along with my unicorn and my Tooth Fairy and my virginity and my sense of childlike wonder!

How many people picked up this issue and couldn't remember what had happened in Issue #6? Well, probably nobody that reads this handy reference blog where they can just click on the Constantine link in the sidebar to get a list of commentaries on all the issues and have a quick read about Issue #6! Of course, you'd have to wade through all of my bullshit about Godzilla battling Superman. But it's still easier than digging through your comic book boxes to give #6 a quick flip thru.

Also, you could just wait until this paragraph where I say, "Last issue, Constantine almost died but he didn't because he was saved by his new best friend: Mister Voodoo! I mean Papa Midnite! I don't know which name is more offensive! Probably because I have no idea what is offensive and what isn't offensive and I often just try to pretend to understand.

Oh yeah. The Cult of the Cold Flame also ransacked his New York Apartment. And judging from this panel, turned his landlady into some kind of vengeful guardian demon spirit that pushes hard candies and 7-Up onto her guests.

Meanwhile Mister E is using Constantine's magic items to discover the location of all the other mages in the world so he can, as the cover says, steal their souls. He also talks like Foghorn Leghorn so forgive me if I don't find him threatening in the least.

I'm not sure if this panel is supposed to make me believe Mister E is less like Foghorn Leghorn than I originally thought because it's actually strengthening my opinion.

If Mister E is Foghorn Leghorn, who is John Constantine? The Chicken Hawk or the Barnyard Dog? I suppose he plays both roles depending on the situation. Sometimes he's the victim and sometimes he's the other thing. Whatever you're called when you're not the victim. The Man?

While Mister E steals the power from The Witch of Deepwater, John Constantine heads up to make sure Dotty his landlady is okay. She hasn't been turned into a demon or anything. She's just had a minor Fake Visit From Your Dead Husband Cantrip placed on her, so she's all happy and sad at the same time. John decides he needs to remove the spell so she's just sad. But at least she won't be under the influence of a spell anymore! That was a close call.

Also meanwhile elsewhere as well, Tannarak the leader of the Cold Flame performs a ritual that will...well, I don't know what it will do. Probably make him really powerful while leaving all of the Cold Flame officers and recruits powerless and betrayed.

Here's how the ritual is done just in case you wanted to become all-powerful. First, litter your yard with shit acquired at garage sales. Then hold your replica Stormbringer sword into the air and yell, "These are magic symbols. Abraca dabra hocus pocus abraca dabra hocus dabra. Newport news Walla Walla Washington. By the power of this magic junk, I have the power!" Congratulations! You now rule the world!

Sargon travels to New York to mock Constantine while she waits for Mister E to return with a couple sackful of mage's powers which she'll absorb to become powerful enough to kill Zatanna. Hopefully she doesn't gloat to John that she's about to do that because I'm nearly positive he'll jam a lit cigarette in her eye if she does. She's also absorbing one-third of the power from Tannarak's ritual. So I guess Tannarak didn't betray his buddies. Looks like The Cold Flame actually cares about three of its hundreds of members. That's refreshing!

If he actually winds up shoving that thing in Sargon's eye, I'm changing my title to Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

Sargon continues to mock John because that's the only reason she came by to visit. She tells him Mister E will be around to kill him so why the fuck is she here? Oh yeah. To see the look on his face when she tells John that he lost and that everything he accomplished in the last five years all ended up serving the purpose of The Cold Flame. She also decides to get extra close to John so she can wrap her extra long finger around his neck because she used to dream of choking him. Is her secret identity Princess Unicorn Pants?

Sargon's father said her dream meant she would one day choose John's fate. And it seems he may have been right because Sargon winds up kissing John and then taking off with him. I guess she's in love! I have a feeling she just fell in love suddenly because it was John's last trick. Or John could actually be surprised by this weird turn of events. It's hard to tell when magic is involved. I am sad that I won't be referring to myself as Grandmaster Comic Book Reader though.

While John and Sargon are off fucking, Mister E gets Constantine's ex-wife to join the Cult of the Cold Flame. It's either that or Mister E kills her. I'm not sure what happens to their daughter. Does The Cult of the Cold Flame have a daycare?

This sex ends how most sex ends with a blind man smashing Constantine in the back of his head with a magic rod.

Constantine #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Hopefully Constantine can keep away from the non-magic superheroes for awhile, at least in his own comic book. I liked this much better than some of the earlier issues. It feels like Fawkes might have finally found his footing in the story and knows what he wants to do with Constantine and the Cult and the big three magic baddies in that cult. Plus Etrigan had a cameo! And this story didn't take place in Chicago!