Superboy #24

Do you think the Psycho Pirate already owned that suit when he stole the Medusa Mask or do you suppose he had it tailor-made afterward? I like to think it was his casual Friday outfit.

I just answered the phone and said, "Hello." There was a five second pause when a robotic, female voice on the other end said, "Goodbye." I then imagined my house blew up as I threw myself onto the bed in slow motion. True story as opposed to some of the other stories I tell here which aren't true or, at least, I try to make them seem like they're not true because they're too embarrassing to fully embrace.

Have you ever wondered where Scott Lobdell gets his ideas? Well, let me tell you! I try to avoid spoilers but every now and then one catches me right in the mouth. So I know Lobdell has said that he's killing Superboy in Issue #25 to replace him with Hel's son, Experiment #1. The first thing this tells me is I'm fucked because Scott Lobdell is once again writing Superboy. He is also continuing to write Superman which proves something else: DC doesn't care about Superman anymore. They've hung all their monetary hopes on Batman and are just letting Superman rot in a field as Scott Lobdell defecates on him again and again. But getting back to Scott Lobdell's ideas! Where does he get them?!

The cover of Superboy #23 had Superboy fighting Superboy. It wound up that one of the Superboys was merely Psycho Pirate playing games. But Scott Lobdell probably saw it and thought, "Oh yeah! Superboy should fight Superboy! And he should lose! That would garner some attention for me and maybe bump up my royalty check!" Of course, the cover probably came out long after the script for Superboy #25 was written so I'm not saying he actually walked into a comic book store and saw the cover and had his great idea. He was obviously working with Justin Jordan (why else would Jordan walk?) on the H.I.V.E. psionic wars bullshit, so he would have known that Superboy was seemingly fighting another Superboy. Lobdell simply gets ideas from his own (or others but usually his own because I don't think he makes a habit of reading other people's stories) ideas and cannibalizes them. Which is why he had three or four different versions of his Hector Hammond story in Superman over the last half year.

Superman #18-20: Hector Hammond almost destroys Omnithing by taking over Superman's mind. But Orion saves the day by erasing Hector's memory with Mother Box. Threat averted!

Superman #21-23 and some Action Comics as well: Hector Hammond returns to save Omnithing by battling H.I.V.E. because his motivations are different now. That's because Lobdell thought up a different story to write while writing the first story and had to write it. And since Mother Box fucked with Hammond's memory, everything can be different now somehow for some reason.

Action Comics #22-23: Hector Hammond is now best friends with Superman and working for H.I.V.E. because this story takes place before Action Comics #24 and the other Psi-Wars stories. Does anybody want to bet me that the conclusion to the Psi-Wars story doesn't wind up with Hector Hammond working for H.I.V.E. and being on decent enough terms with Superman that Superman just lets him float around in space doing fuck knows what with H.I.V.E.?

Lobdell has done the same type of thing in Teen Titans and Superboy as well. He begins a story going one way which veers a totally different direction in the next issue. He doesn't seem to have a handle on cause and effect. He also doesn't understand writing consistent characters with organic and well-thought out motivations that make sense to each individual character. But why should he care when he can always blame everything on demonic possession or mind control or time travel or computer simulations? It's easy to write yourself out of a dead end when you can't fucking write.

I should probably have an intervention to help me deal with my Scott Lobdell Hatred.

This issue begins with the confrontation between Psycho Pirate and Superboy instantly fizzling out.

The Justice League should hire Psycho Pirate to just hang around to deescalate any hero on hero violence that might crop up every fucking month.

Quiz time! Why is that second panel so fucked up? Send your answers to: DC's Shitty Editors, 1700 Broadway, Gotham City, New Jersey.

Psycho Pirate's manifestation tells Superboy that he knows something that Superboy doesn't know and that, in just a second, he's going to tell Superboy this thing because that's why he manifested all the way out here while battling Superman! Because he had a really important thing to tell Superboy that he's just about to get to after a nice, long dramatic reveal that his super secret is going to be super important! And that secret is...

Never mind. It was too important to reveal only four pages into the comic book.

Doctor Psycho explodes Psycho Pirate's manifestation so that Psycho Pirate can't reveal his secret. So if Superboy were paying attention to pop culture media at all over his entire two years or less of life, he'd realize that Psycho Pirate's secret probably would have exposed something that Doctor Psycho didn't want people knowing. Like maybe he's crazy?!

Or, as the actual secret is revealed quite quickly despite Doctor Psycho's attempts to stop it, Doctor Psycho is siphoning power from Superboy to enhance his powers while draining the strength from Superboy. Doctor Psycho's argument is that Psycho Pirate is a liar. And Psycho Pirate's rebuttal is "Nuh-uh, you are!" Which inevitably leads to a recounting of Doctor Psycho's origin story.

There it is! Some jerk gave him a nickname! He can't help to grow up and become a Psycho now.

Before reading Doctor Psycho's origin, I wandered over to Facebook where my friend, Soy Rakelson (you might remember him from past commentaries!) posted this quote from Oscar Wilde: "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." I don't think he did it ironically. I wonder if Oscar Wilde wrote that line in response to being quoted by people while knowing that people would quote it and he would laugh his dick off.

And now, The Super Secret Origin of Doctor Psycho! Doctor Psycho was not named Doctor Psycho before he became Doctor Psycho. He was Edgar! Edgar something or other. I forget. But that part doesn't matter! What matters is that he was erased from existence! No, wait. That's not quite right. He still existed but nobody else knew that he existed. It was all a fabulous plan by H.I.V.E. to kidnap him without having to deal with the pesky consequences of kidnapping. But Doctor Psycho engineered an escape which allowed him to escape! He was free! But now he hated H.I.V.E. and wanted to destroy them but he couldn't destroy them because he sucked at having psychic powers. What he needed was a battery to make him more powerful! And then he found Superboy and rode that fucker until his penis popped! The end!

Ha ha ha! Nice jab at Tott Dedell, Jordan! Again! This is the second time he's called out Tott Dedell on their fucking stupid bullshit Superboy opening pages.

This "living organ" is a nice bit of foreshadowing for the coming of Experiment #1 whom I just remembered I was calling Jon-el. Will he just take over the Superboy name and be Jon-el instead of Kon-el? I wonder where Jordan was going to take the Superboy story if he'd stuck around? I posted an excerpt from an interview with him where he said this comic would have less Harvest and H'el and then he laughed. But if Jon-el is coming back, that means Harvest is going to come back as well. No wonder Jordan left. He was probably being pulled into all of Scott Lobdell's shit stories and who would want to be stuck writing shit that makes no sense?

Oh fuck you! My shit does to make sense! Does too? Dammit, I'm not making any sense!

Everybody wants a piece of that superass.

Pyscho Pirate gets Superboy and Doctor Psycho to begin a gigantic Psychic Brawl while he sits back and absorbs all of the Psychic Shrapnel. I'm beginning to think he wouldn't be a good fit in the Justice League organization at all. They fight amongst each other enough without him sitting in the corner manipulating them so he can get his psychic rocks off. Also, his non-psychic rocks as well.

Pyscho Pirate removes Doctor Psycho's knowledge of Superboy from him because nobody wants too many people knowing Superboy's secret: that, after countless issues (or maybe a dozen or two. Some people can count that high, I suppose) of being told that Superboy is a living weapon, it turns out that he is not a living weapon at all! He is an organ incubator so when Jon-el needs a new kidney or penis, he'll have one waiting for him in Experiment #2. Too bad their organ bank spontaneously generated awareness and escaped with all the yummy organs.

Doctor Psycho tries to steal too much energy and causes a Psychic Explosion which sends Superboy into a Psychic Blackout. He probably would have woken up in a puddle of his own puke except Krypto was there to eat it. And then the comic returns to the beginning of Superboy #20 when Justin Jordan took over. Superboy's powers have been stolen by Psycho Pirate and he's being held prisoner. Next issue: The Return of Krypton!

Oh fuck. Boooo! Suck it, H'el and Lobdell and Oracle!

Superboy #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I predict this was the last well-written, understandable issue of Superboy for a long time. It's a shame because I think Justin Jordan would have done this series justice. Can we go back in time and put him on board for Superboy #1? Oh! Maybe he can write a New 52 Kon-el Superboy once Jon-el takes over the role next issue!