Detective Comics #935

Sure, Batman gets his name on the cover. What about Batwoman? And what about Black Canary in Green Arrow? And Mera in Aquaman? I'm beginning to suspect there might be sexism in comic books.

The Review!
This is the comic book where Batwoman has wound up so if you're into Batwoman, you're probably going to pick up this comic book. It's not as good as Batwoman was when Blackman and Williams were writing and drawing it. But I don't think we should try to make everything live up to its absolute best! Why should we ask for the highest standard possible from a company whose products we're buying?! I mean, most of you probably aren't buying the products anyway, right. BIG MANGA WINK. So you can't really expect DC to hire the best writers and artists when they aren't getting the money they might be expecting, can you? Plus it's better if the comic isn't absolutely stunning because then it's easier to justify pirating it! Oops! Sorry! I didn't mean to use the P-word! I meant easier to justify reading it on the sly? Reading it fairly for free? Why did I even bring up torrenting and theft and stealing anyway? It has nothing to do with this comic book! It's not my favorite book but it's a decent read and I like Batwoman. Plus Tim and Steph fuck while Cassie watches, so that's probably worth at least half of the cover price, right?

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Batwoman putting the Batkids through a training simulation. It's a super realistic training simulation too! One where Gotham is being attacked by five hundred Jokers while a plague of locusts devours everything in sight. If they can't prove themselves in this simulation, how will they ever be able to stop one Joker? Or two? Or three, at most?! They have to know how to take down five hundred at a time or they're not ready for even one!

Red Robin shuts down the simulation since he designed it. It uses pieces of Clayface to create the scenario which just seems insensitive to Clayface. It also sounds disgusting which is the part that would make me averse to using it. Which "spare" parts of Clayface does it use? Although this is pretty close to my idea of a training room heroes could use where they hire Multiplex to create copies of himself to be the antagonists. He'd probably cost less than robots or machines or this "Mud Room" of Tim's. Plus it would keep him out of trouble.

I guess Batman didn't want Clayface knowing where the Batcave was so he needed a new base to run Bat-School out of.

Wouldn't sharing this great 911 technology with the Gotham Police Department be the responsible thing to do? And ixnay on the aybay, Tim! Ayfaceclay is right erethay!

Tim has spent way too long doing whatever the hell he wanted while answering to nobody, so he's got a problem with Batwoman's training regime. He's probably lucky he's not in jail! He should just bite his stupid lip and keep his head down and do what he's told! You know, like nobody ever likes to do, or to be told to do. Tim decides to take the problem straight to the top. He goes off to whine at Batman.

Bully for Dr. Thompkins! Except her objection is like a Facebook post. It has not teeth or action behind it and she just goes on with the status quo while helping Batman put kids in danger.

I thought the "Doctor" in Dr. Thompkins' name was more of an educational thing. I thought she was into helping counsel orphans and runaways. Or maybe she was just into cutting up dead people! I suppose I should just admit I know nothing about her and should just accept that she has the skills to take care of a comatose Azrael, even when she's telling Batman she doesn't have those skills. I trust Batman more than Dr. Thompkins!

Dr. Thompkins tells Batman that Azrael is in no condition to talk and then the jerk begins talking. Way to throw the doctor under the bus, jerkbro! Luckily Azrael isn't disoriented or groggy when he comes to. He's able to tell Batman about the Colony before he passes out again. I'm no Batman but I think I'd take Azrael's message with a grain of salt. Why would I think he wasn't just ranting and raving about something he was just dreaming? I'm supposed to believe he wakes up from a coma and immediately spouts out helpful information before falling unconscious again? I guess the most important part of what I just said is the part where I said I was no Batman. Batman must have a way of knowing the difference between nonsense and plot devices.

Tim heads back to Steph's apartment to fuck so I guess that's something that's going on. Unless Tim is actually Clayface and Steph is fucking Clayface. I doubt that's happening because that would be rape and nobody wants fans being upset about rape in a story arc. Besides, Clayface already raped Poison Ivy some time ago in Detective Comics #896. For some reason, I don't remember that causing much of a hullabaloo. Probably because the people who get angry about stuff like this don't actually give a shit about reading DC Comics. They just give a shit about making a ruckus and feeling good about screaming at other people. Asking Lord Google about it, I don't see any mention of the rape aside from my own blog. I guess I should have been more vocal about it!

Kate has some family drama with her dad but since I don't like her dad, it probably wasn't an important scene. But it appeared in the story for some reason, right?! Maybe Kate's inability to tie a tie without it leaning to the left will be important later in the story! I'm sure that was the important part of the scene and not the part about how Kate is going to have to keep those kids together fighting the war against crime because Batman is a loner who isn't really good at teamwork.

Surprise! Batman has ulterior motives and is keeping secrets!

Batman is waylaid on his way home by The Colony! For some reason, they think fifty to one is good odds. Not against the Jeezly-Crow Batman, dum-dums! Plus, according to the cover, Batwoman will be along to help! Although not until next issue. So it's weird that that was on the cover, right?!

Wonder Woman #1

Who is the corpse? Etta Candy?

The Review!
The story is currently concentrating on the "wonder" part of Wonder Woman's name as she wanders about her business completely confused about her past. Unless the "wonder" manifests in no Narration Boxes so the reader has to "wonder" what Wonder Woman is actually thinking. The lack of Narration Boxes alone makes this comic book worth reading. Here's a tip that I've given before but I should probably remind people of it a lot: the best writers don't rely on Narration Boxes. Sure, they may use them but when they do, it's for a particular effect and not just as explication to make sure the reader understands the story. People complain when a computer role playing game is "on rails" because it takes away a sense of freedom or autonomy from the user. Narration Boxes are like comic books on rails. They tell you what to think and how you should feel. They take away any ambiguity and what is art without ambiguity? It's a sham, that's what! That's why my reviews are full of ambiguity! Because it's art! The reader is left to wonder: Is Tess really this stupid? Or is Tess even stupider than it appears? You'll never know! Because art! Also, I like where this comic book is headed. It's taking its time which is a good thing! I mean, that's not always a good thing. Sometimes that's just a writer padding out twenty pages to expand a story to six issues when the story really should be told in two issues. This story takes its time because we're learning how patient Wonder Woman is. She's seeking out Cheetah but she's trying to do it in a peaceful way. How good is that?! Instead of twenty pages of Wonder Woman fighting Cheetah until they finally stop to speak at the end, it's twenty pages of Wonder Woman carefully approaching Cheetah and ensuring Cheetah that she doesn't want to fight. Come on! Who takes that kind of approach with a super hero?! Especially when they absolutely should take that approach! Like with invulnerable and powerful heroes like Superman and Wonder Woman! I mean, I understand if Batman has to sneak in and punch Cheetah in the throat before talking to her. Because if he didn't, he'd be torn to shreds!

No wait! Batman was a bad example! He would never be torn to shreds even when he totally should be. Maybe I should have said Green Arrow or Blue Beetle.

The Commentary!
I spent a good portion of my morning reading through my Twitter feed which is full of British comedians. You know things are bad when they're not really making jokes but tweeting kind-of-humorous resignations about the horror of voting for Britain to leave the European Union. Some of them were downright serious! You know political decisions are generally okay if maybe a little backwards when comedians fire off jokes about them. But how often do you hear people cracking wise just before drowning? You wait until you're back on land before you start making jokes about your near death experience! Americans probably don't know enough about, well, anything but especially about any other foreign country so it'll be hard to get them to understand that whatever happens in Britain from this point on is what will happen in this country if you let the Tea Party have any kind of power (I mean, we've already seen this in Kansas and that hasn't really been a warning, has it? Although I suppose if you're an American, you don't just not know about other countries; you don't know about states other than your own as well). I suppose that's what happens when you let ignorant white people vote on an important economic issue which they think is really about keeping the brown people out of their country. What do we have representative republics for if the people who are supposed to know better decide to pass the vote on to the mostly ignorant and uncaring public? At that point, you just have people voting based on whichever group can make them too scared of the other possibility taking place. I would like to say I hope things work out better than I thought they would work out if Britain stays but you only have to look at the people backing Brexit to know that won't be true: Nigel Farage and UKIP. You can read about them on Wikipedia if you want to be kind of bored while doing so. Or you can binge watch a bunch of British panel shows if you want to be thoroughly entertained while "learning."

I would like to think well of Scotland voting to remain but I have a feeling they have just as many dumb people as every other country. It's just their dumb people were still convinced of "Better Together" from the last batch of propaganda with which they were deluged. I bet a good portion of them were confused that they were having to vote to "remain" again.

I'm an American myself so I really don't know as much as I'd like to think I do. Like I sort of hinted at, everything I learned about the United Kingdom, I learned from watching Mock the Week, QI, 8 out of 10 Cats, 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Would I Lie To You?, You Have Been Watching, and probably a bunch of other panel shows I'm forgetting. I'm not sure how much I've learned from sitcoms like Peep Show, Fresh Meat, The In-Betweeners, and all the older ones like The Young Ones or Red Dwarf, but I'm sure it was something! Or sketch shows like Mitchell and Webb or Fry and Laurie or Dave Allen At Large or that one with those guys in the circus. Would I learn more if I watched more Graham Norton or would I only learn how to get celebrities to prank people on the street?

I just tried to leave my Gmail account too quickly and it asked "Leave" or "Stay" and I chose leave! Now I feel complicit in Brexit!

Anyway, enough about real world bullshit that doesn't really matter. Let's read a comic book!

Wonder Woman is still suffering from Comic Book Spongiform Encephalopathy. Luckily that isn't as terminal as it's bovine-related cousin. Comic book characters contract this disease constantly! Sometimes it's due to an editorially mandated change in the character. Sometimes it's a complete retooling of the universe in which the character lives. Sometimes it's just due to a new writer hating everything the previous writer wrote and deciding to change it all up. Most of the time, though, the character doesn't realize there's been any change. But Wonder Woman now remembers everything that's every happened to her. So maybe she's not suffering from Comic Book Spongifrom Encephalopathy at all! Maybe she's finally been cured of it!

Wonder Woman has gone to Africa in search of Cheetah to find some answers. Steve Trevor is also in the vicinity on a mission for Commander Etta Candy. Is she running ARGUS now? Or is this a brand new covert secret black organization? Why am I asking you? I should keep reading the comic book.

New 52 Superman is dead so we can get the ball rolling on this romance again. Or the Etta/Diana romance. Whichever. Both maybe?

Diana is attacked by a bunch of Hyena-men while searching for Cheetah which means maybe she isn't searching for Cheetah at all? Could she be looking for Cassandra? No, no. Diana calls her a friend at one point. I don't remember Cheetah ever running with a pack of Hyena-men but then I'm not really much of a Wonder Woman scholar. Or reader. Or have ever had much interest in her at all. I don't blame the character. I just blame the writers who were writing her back when I was first getting into comic books.

Steve Trevor is hunting somebody named Cadulo. It's just a coincidence that he's in the same part of the world as Wonder Woman. Unless it isn't!

Wonder Woman is hunting Cheetah. It's just a coincidence that she's in the same part of the world as Steve Trevor. Unless it isn't! By the end of the issue, Wonder Woman finds Cheetah. But Steve is still looking for Cadulo who has stolen all of the daughters of a village he visits. Maybe that has something to do with Amazons? The stories have to entwine at some point, right?

I wonder if a laser pointer could be used to distract Cheetah? What about a gigantic Sticky Hand? My cat Judas was addicted to those things! So much so that I could get him inside at night by simply standing at the door opening and closing the little plastic bubble they were sold in out of those quarter toy dispensers at the exits of grocery stores.

The Flash #1

Is Barry outrunning death again already?

The Review!
This issue is called "Deus Ex Machina" because the story it tells right up until page seventeen follows a fairly standard and predictable plot. The foreshadowing is less like a shadow and more like a spotlight. But then all of that story is thrown away so that The Flash doesn't learn the lesson he almost learned when the deus ex machina blasts down from the sky and saves the day. In a way, it's like seventeen pages that didn't need to happen! What happens on page eighteen could have happened on page four, really. I suppose the supporting cast of this comic book had to be introduced. That's what all the middle pages were really about. Williamson does to himself this issue what he did to Ron Marz on Voodoo! He took the narrative, set it on fire, pissed on the ashes, and started an entirely new narrative! Is that his go-to move? I suppose it works fair enough here although I'm a bit concerned about more Flash stories featuring multiple speedsters. Have we not had enough of that yet? I just hope time travel doesn't get wedged in here as well.

The Commentary!
This story arc is called "Lightning Strikes Twice" which isn't any kind of pun as far as I can tell. This actual issue is called "Deus Ex Machina" which might be a pun if I knew how to pronounce it. Maybe it's a play on "Day of Sex Mocking, Eh"? Is that a thing? Maybe a holiday in Canada?

The story begins several years ago when Barry was struck by lightning and doused in CSI chemicals. That's probably because DC's editors demanded Williamson remind the readers how Barry Allen became The Flash. You don't want all the speculators confused when they pick up this comic book simply because it has a #1 on the cover. Although do speculators actually read the comic books they buy? Also do people still purchase comic books as an investment? If so, I have a suggestion! Pick up any independent book written or drawn by somebody whose last name ends in "-man". It totally pays off! Or it has at least twice with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Walking Dead. And two is a pattern! Unless two is just a coincidence.

Now that Flash has been Rebirthed, he can't stop explicating his life through constant narration. Hopefully that'll clear up when he has supporting characters to speak with. August, who was there when Barry was struck by lightning, is one of the first supporting characters to help stem the narration box flood. He must be important since he was added to Barry's origin. He'll probably be the person who the lightning decides to strike twice on Day of Mocking Sex, Eh?

Not An Intern Anymore Kristen is another character being introduced to Barry's work team. She'll probably be important because somebody has to be put in the fridge to get Barry's emotions going.

After checking out the crime scene for about two minutes (just enough time to introduce his coworkers), Barry remembers he needs to introduce Iris and Wally to all of the new readers too!

"Oh Barry! You do things differently than I think you should! So wrong!"

Iris's advice just happens to be pertinent to Barry's life about ten seconds into the future. Two catastrophes take place at once in Central City and instead of being "Oh! This is just like that thing Iris said that I agreed with! I should concentrate on doing my best in one situation and letting other professionals handle the reast!" he's all, "I'll save all of the days!" One of the days that needs to be saved is August's and his STAR Lab transport he's supposed to be protecting. Some gang wearing the same symbol as a symbol that was linked to August's brother's murder years ago are trying to rob STAR Labs. So I may have been wrong about which person was going to wind up in the fridge. I just assumed it would be the female character because that's such a tradition. But it looks like it might be August so that Barry can kick himself for, once again, spreading himself too thin.

Barry runs to the fire first because it's closer because that will give August time to get into a situation where he'll die, probably right when Flash arrives so he can witness it and feel terrible pain from refrigeration.

Whoops!

August isn't killed by the bullet which is okay even though that was my prediction. It was a good prediction and it followed logically based on how stories are always told the same way. But what actually happens was my first prediction so it's okay that my second prediction was wrong because my second prediction doesn't really exist in a world where my first prediction is correct. Understand? So instead of being killed, August is struck by lightning. And since August didn't wind up in the fridge, Kristen should be shitting herself.

So now August is a speedster too! And the copy at the end of the issue says that the storm is just getting started. I bet Kristen is relieved to read that! She'll probably be struck next issue!

Aquaman #1

I would read this comic book! Too bad this comic book won't be this comic book, you know?

The Review!
Black Manta returns! I don't know why I used an exclamation point on that previous sentence. I'm bored of Black Manta and his incessant need for vengeance. Get over it already! Stop letting your father's death at the hands of Aquaman define you! Find motivation outside of your need for revenge! Get a new costume because that helmet and the way it makes your neck look extra long totally creep me out. I enjoyed the first half of this comic book that was setting up what could be an entertaining and continuous B Story of life inside Spindrift Station. But the second half was all, "Whoops! Spindrift Station is being destroyed! No more sitcom located within an embassy full of land dwellers and sea dwellers having hilarious cultural misunderstandings! Oh, and the goofy comedy relief reporter? He's actually dead in a trunk. Ha ha!" That's what I get for insisting the last few issues of New 52 Aquaman were too boring with all of the talking and more talking about stuff that didn't matter. Now when the talking is entertaining me, it's blown up for the sake of Black Manta drama! I hate that guy!

The Commentary!
I didn't realize until just now which is two weeks after reading it that Aquaman Rebirth #1 wasn't even about Aquaman. It wasn't setting up Aquaman's new status quo at all. It was that jerk Black Manta's story! It was about setting up his plans and goals (which aren't very nice, by the way). I don't want to read Aquaman stories that are really Black Manta stories! I don't even want to read Aquaman stories! What was even worse was Black Manta's plan to get even with Aquaman was to kill Mera who has nothing to do with the beef between Manta and Aquaman. If Black Manta was trying to garner enough sympathy over the whole Aquaman killed his dad thing so that maybe Black Manta can get his own Deathstroke-type comic book, he's going about it the wrong way! He should not be driven by simple vengeance. He should be an eco-terrorist who believes Aquaman's policies and dealings with the surface world will bring ruin to the oceans and thus the world! He should be a critique of tree-huggers because nobody likes tree-huggers anyway! I mean, some people do but then they've never actually sat down and had brunch with one. Eco-blah, eco-blah, eco-blah! Give it a rest! We get it! We're making the Earth unlivable! Well, you're making my pancakes inedible!

The issue begins with Mera and Arthur sharing some coffee in the morning.

I'm glad Mera didn't have time to put on pants before going outside!

The new artist really loves to draw hair! I bet he hates drawing Black Manta!

Black Manta is probably happy Mera forgot her pants too because he's voyeuring them up right now! He really means business. Who gets up this early to assassinate somebody?

Oh no! I hope Black Manta doesn't kill Aquadog! If Black Manta kills Aquadog, I will stop reading this comic book. Seriously. If Rebirth becomes all about killing people's pets, I might have to break up with it. It's okay if he kills Garth or Tula though. I've never been comfortable with the Aquakids.

The action moves to Spindrift Station, Atanta's embassy on the East Coast of the United States. I almost asked if any kind of action ever takes place at an embassy and then I remember Lethal Weapon II. Oh! And Benghazi! And Beirut! And Saigon! And Tehran! And Beirut! And...well, I can't think of all of the others because there have been so many attacks on US embassies. So it's a good thing I didn't ask about action at embassies! It's like other people don't want US Embassies in their countries! Is it the decor?

Entering Spindrift Station for the first time are Daily Planet reporter Ray Delane and British Navy Lieutenant Joanna Stubbs. I guess they're going to be the supporting cast of this situation comedy. Land dwellers dealing with fish people! Wacky! How many times will Ray Delane put his foot in his mouth? Ordering fish sticks at the commissary! Oh, you rascal!

Stubbs almost has sex with Sark, one of the king's guard, before Aquaman shows up to say a words. I hope the first thing he explains is how he doesn't actually speak with fish and that land-dwellers are idiots to think so. Instead of saying anything useful, Aquaman sends everybody to eat appetizers. Ray Delane gets sick eating sea slugs and wanders out of sight to throw up. Or to plant bombs.

Darn! I thought Ray Delane was going to be the comedic relief! Black Manta isn't anywhere near as funny.

Where did Black Manta get that kind of technology? I don't mean the technology to look like a completely different person! I mean the technology to shove sea slugs into his mask so that it looked like he was eating them as Ray Delaney?

Black Manta sets off some bombs and kills a bunch of people. Oh man. The Republicans are going to investigate the shit out of Aquaman on this debacle! I hope Aquaman doesn't have a private email server or has never received oral sex from Vulko.

Mera gets harpooned in the chest while trying to keep Spindrift Station from flooding. Did that passive sentence make it sound like Mera is at fault for getting harpooned? I didn't mean it that way! I just figured everybody knows who was doing the harpooning so it gave me some leeway with my sentence structure!

Aquaman isn't as devastated as Black Manta thought he would be but he's exactly as extra angry as I warned the fictional comic book character Black Manta he would be.

Well, you did murder his father (technically. Does technically count in murder?)! And he did stop! Actually he didn't stop. He went and murdered your father because you murdered his. Hmm. Carry on!

I think if Black Manta and Aquaman just had some couples counseling, they might be able to work through this issue. It's not like either one of them meant to kill the other one's father! Arthur was just trying to kill Black Manta! That's got to count for something. It's better than Black Manta trying to kill Mera because Aquaman killed Black Manta's dad. That's a total dick move which is why Black Manta is wrong. If Manta were just trying to kill Aquaman, I'd be okay with that!

Black Manta's goal isn't just to kill Aquaman. He also wants the surface world to hate and fear him. So it's a good thing Black Manta is acting like a terrorist and killing innocent people and destroying an embassy and attempting to assassinate a king to boot! Everybody will be totally willing to see his side of things now!

Justice League #52

This Man of Steel has the look of a man who won a bet where I have to lick his asshole clean. Believe me. I know that look.

The Review!
How long can Lex Luthor as Superman remain interesting? This seems like one of those Geoff Johns guzzling whisky at the bar ideas that sounds like a shocking story idea but eventually gets old quick. I don't know whose idea it was but since Dan Jurgens is writing this book, I guess I'll have to assume it was his. It's not like we haven't seen the Lex Luthor goes good story several times before. So once again, we get to read stories where Lex Luthor is doing the right thing but in a not so great way while we wait for him to go off the rails revealing either his ultimate criminal plan or that he's just a huge dick who will never change. Hopefully Dan Jurgens will bring a new twist to the Lex as hero thing but I have my doubts. Jurgens is, after all, only a robot built in 1986 with no ports to upgrade his memory. This might simply wind up being a Cold War allegory that doesn't matter anymore!

Keep reading...

Team Titans #1: Redwing

This might be the most cliché of the already quite cliché origin stories of the Team Titans but I also felt it was the most enlightening. That enlightenment is based on a curve, of course, where "Marv Wolfman Writes Something Interesting" is a 1 and "Buttfucking the Buddha While Philip K. Dick Reads Gnostic Texts" is a 10. It's also possible I just liked it because some sappy couple gets killed in a collapsing log cabin. That's what happens when you romance, jerks!

I still haven't read Total Chaos Part Three which has been in each of these books. I'll read it next time when I read the final origin story on Mirage.

Team Titans #1: Killowat

Killowat gains his powers by falling backwards into a shorting out power grid. That's bullshit! The 7-11 near my house when I was growing up had a Crossbow arcade game for awhile. If you put your finger on the trigger and touched a bit of metal on the side, you would get a steady electric current going through you. I did this a lot because I liked the feeling. Also because I liked Crossbow! I never fucking got any super powers. Maybe I should have kept the current going until I died. Is that the secret?