Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #30 (May 1992)

Oh no. Is Batman going to punch a pinhead in the pussy this issue?

I know using the word "pussy" sounds vulgar and immature but I'm just trying to be anatomically correct! If I were to say Batman was going to punch somebody in the vagina, we'd have to assume there was a little bit of non-consensual fisting happening and I'm not okay with that! I mean, I'm also not okay with Batman punching a pinhead in the pussy but that's why I typed "Oh no" first!

If Batman winds up beating the shit out of a bunch of deformed circus freaks, he's going to lose a little bit of my respect. But not a lot because it would be ableist of him to refuse to beat the shit out of somebody just because they're living with a birth defect or some other abnormal condition. I mean if they were attacking him first, of course! I don't think Batman should punch a guy without a lower jaw bone in the upper jaw bone just to prove that he believes in equality. I will say this though: if Batman does get into a huge brawl with Two-Face and his new friends, I might give Matt Wagner some side-eye because he probably came up with this story on the sole premise of getting to draw Batman battling a mob of circus freaks. And the idea probably made him chuckle!

I'm doing a lot of speculation which isn't fair to Matt Wagner. I have no idea how he came up with this story. I'm sure it was in an intellectual way and not at all in a degrading or toxic way that involved drinking with his old college frat buddies while reminiscing about how they helped out with the Special Olympics while mocking the athletes the entire time. I only mention that because I knew this guy, Soy Rakelson, who was in a fraternity that did that. But I don't think Soy was ever, "Do you think Batman can take on all of these athletes at the same time?", like Matt Wagner must have done to come up with this story.

Previously, Batman has been captured by Two-Face and strapped to the front of a blimp. Two-Face doesn't quite call Batman "Secret-Face" but he may as well have. He plans on dumping Batman's dead and unmasked body on the top of the Gotham State Building where the dirigible will refuel before flying to the island that will become Deformed Nation. Two-Face leave him for the time being to deal with Sexy Space Pirate Lady's boyfriend.

Yeah, he's not dead. I forget fictional media loves to play this sort of trick with tranquilizer guns.

If Batman winds up fighting all of these characters, I'm just going to stop writing about the comic book and spend my time scanning every single panel where he punches one in the face.

I don't know why Two-Face didn't kill Wren earlier when he's just going to kill him in a few hours. I guess he's got some real estate business to clear up for Two-Face. In the meantime, Wren learns the truth about Sexy Space Pirate Lady and why she was working for Two-Face.

Damn! She was clean shaven not even six hours ago!

I'm not going to say Sexy Space Pirate Lady looks even hotter with a beard. But I will say she looks a little bit like Lobo and, well, if I think that makes her hotter, just shut the fuck up and deal with it, okay? Seriously, though, how does her having a full beard change how fucking hot she is? I wouldn't even ask her to shave it if she were my girlfriend because shaving is a pain in the ass. The main reason I usually have a beard (other than the sideburns and goat-strip which I almost never shave) is because I'm fucking lazy and I own my own business so nobody can tell me to fucking shave if I don't want to. Shaving sucks. And it must really suck if you grow a full, lush beard in less than half a day! It took me until about fifty to where I have to shave at least once a week if I want to stay looking smooth and sexy. Yeah, once a week and even that's too much for me! I guess I'm blessed by my not-too-hairy Spanish DNA.

While Wren's deciding whether or not he's into thick facial hair on the hottest woman who has ever shown any sexual interest in him, Batman makes his escape.

Why the zebras? Was it ever explained?! Do I even want to know?

Do you think Alfred has ever casually brought up the dangers of Batman having acid in his glove? "You know, sir, you do punch a lot of people in the face. Are you positive it can't accidentally trigger?" Probably not because Batman would just respond, "Shut the fuck up, Alfred."

Sexy Space Pirate Lady explains that her facial hair does indeed grow so fast that it's not worth removing, especially since she'd only be doing that for the acceptance of the shit status quo males of the world. Wren seems to be one of them because he's terrified of her even though she's still so fucking sexy (although far less piratey and spacey).

I just realized I'm not attracted to her because she looks like Lobo; I'm attracted to her because she looks like me in my twenties!

Of course I mean her face and not her body. Holy shit if I had her body in my twenties? You'd have gone blind if anybody ever shown a UV light on me I'd have had so many dicks pumping their love cream onto me!

Batman sneaks off, does a little investigating, and determines the location where Two-Face and his gang are hiding out. I thought they were all in the blimp's hangar but I guess not. He still has time to save Wren since Wren, after rejecting Sexy Space Pirate Lady, is tossed in a cell with D'urberville. Just think! He probably could have gone to live on an island with Sexy Space Pirate Lady if he just hadn't been so besotted with status quo ideas of femininity and gender! Dude should have listened to his dick that was almost certainly screaming, "What beard? What's a beard? Why are we running from her?! Get me back in that warm moist comfortable cave where I can throw up again!"

In th cell, knowing that Two-Face will eventually kill Wren, D'urberville feels comfortable exposing the secret that allowed him to be blackmailed.

Oh gross.

I'm truly disappointed by D'urberville's deformity. It didn't have to be a massive cock hanging from his chest but it could have been so much more than this. If I had two massive hands sticking out of my stomach, I'd at least put some Mickey Mouse gloves on them. I don't know how he's been hiding those things all this time. I guess he tucks him down the front of his pants but that's just going to cause a whole other problem! Plus, how much damage can two extra hands do to your reputation in upper crust society? Surely everybody's hiding some mutation caused by inbreeding.

Batman arrives a bit too late to see D'urberville's goodies. He finishes cutting through the bars on their cell's window just as Romulus and Remus enter the cell to kill off their prisoners. Batman kicks their asses without any qualms because even if they're extra tall albino twins, they're just a couple of average henchmen in Gotham. It's not until he's grabbed from behind and turns to find Two-Face's new entourage that he hesitates to commit violence.

They would have respected you more if you broke some of their arms!

Batman has already forgotten the lesson he learned in the latest (at the time) annual for Legends of the Dark Knight! If he's going to walk the path of violence, he has to absolutely commit to violence! But without murder, of course! He couldn't even kill Hitler, the big softie!

Just because he refused to punch a pinhead in the pussy, Batman, once again, finds himself at the mercy of Two-Face. At least this time, Two-Face explains the Yin-Yang symbol and the zebras. It's so underwhelming that I almost didn't mention it. But I know if I were a lonely loser on the Internet who still reads actual blog posts instead of 17-minute-too-long 20 minute YouTube videos and dozens of pre-selected short videos, then I'd want to learn why Two-Face stole the things he did. Well, here it is: the Yin-Yang sculpture will be the crest of Two-Face's Deformed Nation while the zebras are its mascots. Yeah, I don't know why. Are zebras deformed horses? Is that something I've never learned until now?

Two-Face flips his coin to find out if Batman should die or Wren should die. Wren loses the flip and is taken aboard the blimp while Batman remains on the ground tied up. A few minutes later, Batman is once again joined by Wren.

If only he hadn't been so constrained by society's gender norms!

Batman tried to save Wren's life and take his place but Two-Face wouldn't be swayed away from his coin's decision. At least Wren fucked up Bruce Wayne's sweet island deal so Batman doesn't feel too badly about his death. He spares a single, sad synopsis of Wren's life before rushing off to stop Two-Face once and for all.

Batman just roasted half of the Internet.

Batman, being the handsome, dashing, has-everything Bruce Wayne, crashes through the windshield of the blimp to stop Harvey creating a Utopia for those society has ostracized for no other reason than they unsettle members of that society. Two-Face points out that his mission is honorable and just. But Batman is all, "Yeah, but you killed some plastic surgeons and a criminal real estate guy! Surely I have to ruin this for everyone because you didn't go about it just right!"

Luckily for Batman, he's not the only one who doesn't think Two-Face went about this the correct way.

For some reason, this reminds me of Boxing Helena.

In Boxing Helena, Jennifer Lynch tells the story of a man who obsesses over a beautiful woman. He kidnaps her, cuts off her limbs, and places her on a pedestal, literally turning her into the object of his love. But in the end, when she's rescued, the men who discover her are horrified by her appearance. The man who turned her into an object became the only man who could only love her for who she was. But freed from his captivity, Helena had become nothing more than a pitiable object in their eyes. This story isn't that. But something about the way Two-Face has viewed the freaks as reflections of his own torment speaks to me in the same way Boxing Helena did. He treated them superficially, as objects themselves. They are deformed therefore they must be unhappy. But he never bothered to actually learn anything about them. By assuming they needed to be rescued from the hell of society, he took away their agency. But what can anybody expect from a guy who thinks zebras are mocked by horses?

Two-Face severely damages the dirigible when he fires the gun and it crash lands just outside Gotham where a circus has recently been set up (it was mentioned earlier but I didn't think it was important!). Two-Face makes a run for it and Batman give chase although he acknowledges he must hurry and help the wounded. But he also respects that these people can take care of themselves! Two-Face enters the circus and runs right into one of the performers: The Man with 2-Faces!

This guy's had sex four times?! What am I doing wrong?!

Heh, I'm being naïve and silly! Just because this guy has four kids doesn't mean he's had sex four times. He may have only had sex once or twice and gotten twins or quadruplets! My masculinity isn't threatened by that at all!

Harvey may have the gun to this guy's head but I don't think he's allowed to shoot him because the coin came up heads and that's the good side. But it doesn't really matter because Batman catches up to him, disarms him, and says, "Enough." And I guess that's all it takes to stop Two-Face because he's back in Arkham by the next page!

The story ends with Bruce saying to Alfred, "You know, I'm a lot like Two-Face!" And Alfred saying, "But you don't murder." And Bruce saying, "Hmm. Yeah. Well." Then there's a shot of the clock that hides the Batcave that opens using the time his parents were murdered and some talk about fate and I guess what goes unspoken is how one reacts to the fate that befalls you. You can go crazy, listen to a coin, and murder people on a fairly regular basis. Or you can go crazy, dress up like a bat, and try to prevent murders. A little Yin, a little Yang. A little black, a little white.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #30 Rating: A+. I think this might be my favorite Batman story. It's definitely my favorite Two-Face story. Matt Wagner not only tells an intriguing story loaded with lovely Batman and Two-Face appropriate themes but he also draws the everloving shit out of it. It's beautiful! And the panel and page layouts are often inspired! Just an absolute joy to read. Man, am I going to have to buy every issue of Grendel now?!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #29 (April 1992)

Batman's gonna do a sexy little dance for us now.

I absolutely remember how excited I was to purchase both this run of comics and Shadow of the Bat. I don't even know what it was about them that lit a fire in me since I'd never really read many Batman books. I didn't even begin picking up Legends of the Dark Knight until it had been going for two years. And I don't think I continued to buy either series past the end of 1992! And yet this series went until 2007! Not that I was buying comic books in 2007. Or 2006. Or 2005. Or 2004, really. I stopped buying comic books in March of 2004, the month the final of issue of Cerebus was published. It just felt like a good time to stop, especially since I was, at the ripe old age of 32, having trouble remembering all the story arcs of the many different books I bought each month. By that time, I think I was mostly reading Marvel, Vertigo, and independent titles even though I'd been a DC fan for most of my life. It just seemed all of my favorite writers were suddenly doing Marvel books and my loyalty had long since gone over from individual characters to the writers themselves.

But none of that has anything to do with Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight unless it does! Because by 1992, maybe I understood that the writers were the absolute most important part of the comic book equation for me (yes, even more than the artists) and the reason I was so excited to pick up this book was seeing Matt Wagner's name on it (also the artist so, you know, art is important too, I guess?). That could also explain why I was excited for Shadow of the Bat as well since Alan Grant was doing that book. So there you go! I do know why I picked up these books! I knew I could trust myself to ramble my way to an understanding. It's how I come to all of my conclusions about life, like how the moon landing was faked, Bigfoot is actually extra-dimensional (unless he's from the kingdoms of the Inner Earth), and all royalty from the bloodline of Charlemagne are lizard people.

This issue begins with introductions of all of Two-Face's new friends. I'm going to let the scan be my commentary on it or else you're not going to respect me in the morning.

It's not that if I comment, I'll be insulting. It's that I'd wind up labeling which ones I want to fuck and why.

Okay, fine. 1, 3, 6, 7, 10, 12, 14, and 15. Oh, and obviously 16! I may despise the overly lawful who use violence as a means to control the populace but, come on, he'd be a great fuck, no?

Now, I'd rather not apologize to David Finch for the way I mocked his ending of the first issue of The Dark Knight at the beginning of The New 52. Don't get me wrong! I won't and never will! Two-Face declaring for no reason at all the he is "One-Face now" was a massive misplay on his part and an even massiver misplay on his editors' part. Because what I think David Finch was going for was that Harvey Dent was no longer part of Two-Face at that moment. He was trying to make Two-Face scarier by having him lose his conscience. What else would he call himself if one of his faces was suddenly gone? Well, you know, One-Face. But that's fucking stupid because we all have one face. His declaration wasn't grand! It was normal! It was boring. "Oh no! You only have one face now? So, congratulations, I guess?" I blame the editors more than Finch because they should have been all, "Okay, look, I get what you're trying to do here. But that's certainly not the way to do it. This is possibly the most ridiculous thing a Batman villain has ever said in the entire history of Batman villains saying ridiculous things. Work on it, my dude." I imagine everybody in the DC offices calls each other "my dude", especially Gail Simone. But she says it sarcastically and in a way that totally hurts your feelings, like maybe she doesn't actually think you've got any dudeness in you at all?

Anyway, I bring this up because Matt Wagner, in a way, beat David Finch to the whole "One-Face" declaration. I said I was worried about something like this happening in Wagner's first issue simply because he named this story "Faces". But then there was a moment I willfully ignored last issue where Two-Face calls a guy who's directing some workers to place a sculpture in the exact right place "Precision-Face". Well, guess what? Two-Face has found a One-Face this issue. I brought up David Finch and how he made a mistake doing it. I bring up Matt Wagner doing it because it works.

Aww! Sweet little One-Face!

Just for the record and for the curious: no, I would not fuck One-Face. Christ. Get off the Internet, you sickos.

I really enjoy pretending that the people reading my blog are more sick and perverse than I am! Or maybe I'm not pretending? Y'all are fucking gross, right?

Two-Face's wonderful dream of a world where he and his deformed friends can live without judgment by those who have been subject to a narrow belief of beauty has to do with the island he's trying to buy out from under Bruce Wayne. Assuming that all of the "sideshow freaks" he's gathered together have come of their own free will, Two-Face might be the hero of this story. But according to Batman's research, he believes some of these people were taken against their will. I guess that's enough for Batman to shut this whole scheme down without having to admit to himself that it's because he wants that fucking island for himself.

Batman's currently trying to keep the next possible plastic surgeon safe from being murdered. The next possible victim is a doctor who has a twin brother which is right up Two-Face's compulsive alley. The Gotham Police tail the men when they're about town and Batman has decided to break into the surgeon's home to investigate for danger.

It's practically just like reading Grendel!

After a night out celebrating his birthday, the plastic surgeon comes back to his second home which Batman has thoroughly searched. He sits down to relax with a cigar and a brandy but he doesn't get much relaxing done because the cigar blows his face off. Batman, spying on him from the window, seems shocked because he thoroughly searched the humidor! Is the humidor that thing in the toilet that cleans off your butt when you've had a messy poo?

Ha ha! Just kidding! I know what a humidor is! It's that thing that Batman searched thoroughly!

Batman, so angry that this guy died on his watch, punches a hole in the wall. He then tapes a $500 bill to the hole and moves a painting over it to pay for the damage. Jim Gordon finds it because he notices the unfaded part of the wall where the painting obviously had been hung previously. He then asks Batman why he moved the painting, understanding exactly what happened much quicker than I pieced it out (it took me forever to figure out what the fuck Jim and Batman were talking about!). Batman's answer is basically, "I didn't want a dirty fucking Gotham cop finding and stealing the money!"

It turns out, the surgeon was poisoned with some poison that loosened his bowels so that methane leaked up into his esophagus. Lighting the cigar caused it to ignite and blow his face off. I'm surprised the guy wanted to smoke a cigar and drink some brandy when he must have smelled his own shit breath. If your breath starts smelling like shit, you should probably go immediately to the hospital. Unless you just ate some shit. Then, you know, carry on, I guess.

While Two-Face plans his perfect community with One-Face, one of his sneaky freaks brings him some information he just learned about the guy who currently owns the island that everybody wants. He broke into the guy's house and spied on him as he got undressed for bed.

I bet D'urberville has a tail! Or a cock so large he'd be allowed at the "One of us!" table.

Later Bruce Wayne meets D'urberville at the First Gotham Bank and buys the island, with witnesses and a ten million dollar down payment to boot! Wren is there and signs the forms as a witness to the transaction. But since he's now Team Two-Face, he probably signed the witness statement as Ben Dover.

Batman can't figure out which plastic surgeon might be killed next because he has no hard evidence of any of them living a "double life", which seems to be the ones Two-Face has been after. Alfred tells him to trust his instincts although I wish Alfred had told Bruce to flip a coin. That seems like the kind of joke Alfred would make. Maybe he normally would but Batman has been so on edge with failing to save any of the plastic surgeons so far that he might have actually taken a shot at Alfred for being snarky.

Batman follows a guy who lives on Second Avenue since it's the only real clue he has. Two nights after the last murder, Batman follows the guy to a seedy motel where he's meeting a prostitute. Evidence of a double life! Or an addiction to sex workers. Or having a fun secret little sexy roleplay with his wife. But I'm sure it was none of those things since I'm not the world's greatest detective. I'm sure Batman already thought of all of those things.

I wish he would have waited to gas them after two or three panels of dick sucking.

Sexy Space Pirate Lady breaks into D'urberville's apartment and threatens to expose his secret tail or massive cock (which appear to be located on his chest as he instinctively tries to hide whatever's there when Sexy Space Pirate Lady steps out of his closet) if he doesn't renege on the deal with Bruce Wayne and sell the island for one dollar to her real estate cousin (who is actually the Anton Ecole, the no-legged man. Apparently having a massive cock or hideous tail hanging off your right pectoral is so embarrassing that fifty million dollars isn't enough to salve the humiliation. So D'urberville agrees to her terms.

Bruce expects to get his down payment back but Wren gives the information on the payment to Two-Face's real estate man. Then, for being a good boy and doing the unethical thing, Sexy Space Pirate Lady pays him a visit. And Batman doesn't gas them before we get to see some side boob and butt!

Wren definitely jizzed in his pants in panel eight.

Sexy Space Pirate Lady also seems to think that "couch" is how you say "penis" in English.

Bruce confronts D'urberville and D'urberville willingly admits that he's being blackmailed by the other buyer. He hopes that Bruce will just let it go so he doesn't have to explain how his life is going to be ruined. D'urberville tells Bruce the name of the other buyer is Count Enance and Bruce is all, "Countenance! As in face!" Yeah, so? What does that matter? God, Batman's constantly grasping at straws!

Realizing that Two-Face is the other buyer, Batman puts all the other pieces together. A dirigible was stolen the night Batman saved the plastic surgeon from his prostitute. So it looks like every step of the way, Batman was involved in trying to stop the distraction. I mean, the distraction was murder so obviously that was what he should have been doing rather than saving a giant Yin-Yang symbol, two zebras, and a dirigible. But having learned of the island and the zeppelin, Batman realizes Two-Face will use it to take all of his kidnapped deformed friends to this island. Batman heads off to investigate the blimp and discovers some zebra poo and a crying baby. Except the crying baby turns out to be a full grown but deformed man who grabs him while some of Two-Face's other thugs sneak up on him and knock him out. That image on the cover? That's Batman strapped to the front of the dirigible!

Also, Wren gets shot in the gut by Sexy Space Pirate Lady when he can't leave well enough alone and goes after her for a second fuck. You'd think Two-Face would have allowed two fucks! Oh! Maybe he did! I guess they really did fuck on their first date. That would explain why he needed to be shot trying to get laid a third time. That's a huge Two-Face no-no.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #29 Rating: A. Matt Wagner writes an intriguing Two-Face story! It feels like a Batman story I'd never read before which is really hard to do (especially since I have read this exact story before back in 1992!). Great art. Spectacular Matt Wagner panel layouts. Some sexy naked lady shots. And a Batman that isn't too overconfident or too powerful. He's not making mistakes but Two-Face is absolutely outwitting Batman the whole way. Probably because Two-Face's ultimate goal isn't really a crime! He's just setting up what he calls "Deformed Nation." Of course Batman would think Two-Face murdering plastic surgeons was the main crime. Why wouldn't he want a bunch of plastic surgeons dead? I haven't even been disfigured and I'm pretty sympathetic to the idea!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #28 (March 1992)

My Legends of the Dark Knight collection beginning with #28 because Matt Wagner.

I'm absolutely positive that I picked this series up because Matt Wagner did this story in it. But I continued to collect this series because I really loved the conceit. A complete story about Batman told every three to four months. This might be what you expect as well from Batman or Detective Comics, you might be thinking. But did those have beautiful covers that told you the name of the story right up front on every issue so that you knew, right from the start, which story was ongoing? The art direction on the covers of this series was probably half of the reason I continued to collect it. I think maybe Shadow of the Bat was similar which is why I also collected that for some time, possibly because it began with a story by Alan Grant. I think that series actually put on each cover how long the story would go so you knew how long you'd be skipping it if you saw Scott Lobdell or Cullen Bunn were writing it that month. Not that those two ever wrote it (I think?) but I couldn't think of any names of writers from 1992 whose DC work I couldn't stand. I was fairly easy to please back then so I'm not surprised.

Matt Wagner, of course, was responsible for Grendel and Mage. I read my friend's copies of both of those around 1990 or 1991, I think. I won't say which of my friends that was because all of his passwords were Grendel and might still be. I wonder if I can log into his Apple TV?

I don't think this story is called "Faces" because Two-Face grabs Batman at some point and yells, "I'm Two-Face no longer! You can call me Faces now!" Yes, David Finch, that was a shot at you when you created the dumbest moment ever in the DC Universe. Congratulations! You're the worst!

Matt Wagner begins this issue with some new Two-Face lore as he sits in a cell in Arkham and masturbates.

He can't come until the coin allows it.

Harvey Dent escapes Arkham at 2:22 AM as some kind of clue to Batman that he's Two-Face again although the fact he strangled the guard to escape was a pretty good clue itself. Batman begins the hunt for Two-Face. Instead of searching for Two-Face constantly though, Batman does the smart thing and looks for him at times when Two-Face might be active: two days after his escape; two weeks after his escape; two months after his escape. But Batman can't find him. So after giving up because I guess 22 days or 22 weeks or 22 months don't mean anything, Batman attends a fancy dress party held by the Gotham French Consulate exactly two years after Two-Face escaped. That's probably significant, right? Even though 24 months isn't. Or 104 weeks. Or however many days are in two years which, importantly, aren't 222 of them.

Bruce Wayne is dressed as Inspector Javert from Les Misérables because that's the most Batman character ever.

Bruce might also be dressed as Napoleon but that doesn't make as much sense so forget I even mentioned it as a possibility. One of the reasons he's at the fancy dress party is because he wants to buy a French Guiana island from a rich friend of his attending the party. The guy somehow acquired it but can afford to maintain it. Bruce's rich friend is dressed as albino Julius Caesar. He sells the island to Bruce for 30 million and now Bruce Wayne owns another island. The ginger real estate agent, Wren, is told to finalize the paperwork for the deal as Javert and Caesar rush off to find some dames to shag. But Wren doesn't immediately finalize the paperwork. Instead, he comes in his pants cause a sexy lady winks at him. So maybe Bruce doesn't own another island!

Do you think Two-Face is in the Charlie Brown costume? "I'm Two-Face no longer! You can call me Sad Face now!"

Coincidentally, the sexy space pirate has come to the party with her cousin who's a really big real estate investor. Before sexy space pirate lady can manipulate Wren (unless simply getting the information out of him that the owner is selling to Bruce Wayne?), somebody screams! What's really suspicious is that the scream doesn't interrupt the information passed on to sexy space pirate lady; the scream interrupts the kiss that almost happens afterward! Like it was a *GASP* perfectly timed plan!

Due to emergencies like this being possible, you shouldn't be allowed to go to a fancy dress party as Donald Duck if you're a fucking doctor. Ridiculous!

Since this murder took place exactly two years after Two-Face escaped Arkham, and also because the murder weapon was acid eating away somebody's face, Batman believes this was caused by Two-Face. But he believes it was just a distraction! If I had just been murdered by Two-Face, I'd hope that people wouldn't think of my murder as a distraction but think of it as a fucking murder. A crime has just been committed, Batman! How is "murder" a "distraction"?! Batman's as bad as the Democrats! They claim every authoritarian act by Trump or the Republicans is a distraction that shouldn't be dealt with because it's pulling them away from the real issue. But the real issue is always something they're not fucking dealing with either! Enough with calling things a distraction! They're all fucking problems! Solve them all, you lazy bastards!

I mean, obviously if they're not solving problems, it's because they don't see them as problems. They just pretend they can't actually do anything unless people vote harder, allowing them to kick the can down the road while hoping the voting doesn't happen to the degree that would force them to do the job people expect them to do. Notice how when the Democrats control congress, they still can't do anything because there's always a few of them that go rogue? That's intended! No matter how hard you vote, and no matter how many democrats win seats in Congress, they'll always have just the right number of rogue elements in the party to keep them from getting anything done.

Back to Batman, now that he knows Two-Face has finally come out of hiding enough to cause a distraction, Batman thinks about what kind of double sided crime Two-Face might actually be committing.

Okay, sure, but what the fuck is Two-Face going to do with a gigantic Yin-Yang symbol?

Batman is correct but he doesn't manage to stop Two-Face and his gang (Romulus, Remus, and Snake-eyes). If the murder at the fancy dress party really was committed by Two-Face as a distraction, it was a stupid plan because without the Masque of the Red Death happening, Batman never would have figured out something was happening and almost stop him. Logically, that means the murder was meant to get Batman's attention so that Batman would try to interrupt him. That's exactly the kind of stupid shit Gotham villains do because they're all obsessive compulsive and have to flaunt their crimes in Batman's face.

The murder pretty much ended the vibe at the party so it breaks up. Wren gets mouth lucky with the sexy space pirate lady and they agree to meet up again in two days to maybe get other body parts lucky. But the next day, Wren is visited by a man with a red cloth covering half of his face. He's speaking in the same French accent of sexy space pirate lady and he wants to offer more money for the island than Bruce Wayne did. Wren begins to believe he was used which is a thought he should have had sixteen hours earlier when a beautiful half-naked lady was coming on to him so strongly. If she really wanted Wren, she would have put a hand down the front of his pants before the night ended and not just thrown him a pity kiss.

That's like the number one sign that a lady likes you: she puts her hand down your pants. If she doesn't do that, she's probably not serious about fucking you and almost certainly using you for your business acumen. You might as well learn that lesson as quickly as possible, young guys reading this who maybe shouldn't be reading this because I write about super adult stuff like women putting their hands down the front of men's trousers or using them for their real estate contacts.

Oh! Another way to know if a woman is into you is if you're at the ice skating rink and she keeps throwing herself across your back and squishing her boobies up on you and laughing at all the stupid nerdy virgin shit you say. I definitely didn't have any business expertise at fifteen that that young lady would have been manipulating me for so she probably totally wanted me. Although nothing happened but that's because I didn't say, "Do you want to leave the rink and go out front behind a bush so we can take our pants off?" Man, that would have been a great closing line! Totally would have got that deal done!

Wren decides to alert Bruce to the counter-offer because he's a good real estate agent trying to get his 10% fee as high as possible.

It's not hand down the front of your trousers but an extra two million commission isn't so bad!

I don't actually know how real estate agents make money so if I'm wrong and you know how it really works, smarty pants, replace all of the stuff I got wrong with how it actually works instead of complaining about it.

The next evening, Wren has sex with sexy space pirate lady on top of a skyscraper. I think. Maybe they just kiss again because she has to leave for Paris in the morning.

Judging the outrageously different covers of these two books, I'd say she did not fuck him at all.

I don't remember Matt Wagner drawing such magnificent breasts in Mage or Grendel.

I don't know if this is important or not but her cousin is missing both of his legs. Plus he's American so he couldn't have been the guy with the French accent who tried to outbid Bruce Wayne on the island. That guy also had a red cloth covering half his face but I don't think that's any more important than the guy missing both his legs. Lots of people love to cover half of their face when they do business.

Batman's at a loss for how to find Two-Face after he got away with a massive Yin-Yang symbol. Sure, Batman hurt his arm so badly that night that he couldn't give chase to Romulus and Remus riding away on the cart carrying the Yin-Yang sculpture. It was probably to fast for his Batmobile to follow. Or maybe too easily lost in a side alley. Or perhaps, since neither of those suppositions are true, Batman just doesn't care like he used to.

Having no other clues other than that a plastic surgeon was killed on the night Two-Face committed his crime, Batman checks out all the other plastic surgeons in Gotham to find one that may be the next likely victim. He finds one celebrating his 22nd anniversary by going to the opera. Sure, it seems unlikely that Two-Face would know about a plastic surgeon that was having his 22nd wedding anniversary two days after he killed the plastic surgeon on the 2nd anniversary of his escape from Arkham. But then this was probably all planned from his cell in Arkham via whatever means inmates had in 1992 of discovering information. Does Arkham have a communal computer with a Prodigy connection and the Mozilla browser?

Anyway, Batman's hunch was right because the plastic surgeon is shot in the middle of the opera. Batman hunts down the assassin instead of leaving immediately to find Two-Face's real crime since isn't this probably a distraction too?

See?! Forget the murder! Two fucking zebras were stolen!

What's the assassin going to say? "Some unknown clown paid me to kill some socialite jerk"? That's every fucking day of the week ending in "day" in Gotham!

So what could Two-Face be planning? He's stolen a Yin-Yang symbol and two zebras. The link in common are the colors: black and white. Black and white. Black. White. OH MY GOD! Two-Face is going to start a race war!

Under torture, the assassin tells Batman that he met Two-Face in France. I'll pretend, for this comic book's sake, that torture actually does provide accurate information. Especially since the man in the red cloth mask meets up with Wren that same night and finds that he's willing to work to get this man the island if he pays him 25% of the total sale. A-ha! So my 10% was probably pretty close, no?! The man leave's Wren's place in a limousine suspiciously like the limousine of sexy space pirate lady's cousin! Plus the man with the mask spoke with a French accent! Plus the man in the mask with the French accent meets up later with Two-Face and takes off her mask and, I mean, I think it's a her and I think it's sexy space pirate lady. It makes sense, right?

The issue ends with Batman learning Two-Face has a link to France. France once owned the island that Bruce is trying to buy. A mystery French person is also trying to buy the island and that person works for Two-Face. Plus the woman who is probably the mystery French person has been manipulating the real estate agent so that Two-Face can ensure that he winds up with the island. But for what reason? To store his Yin-Yang symbol and his two zebras? Or to make it a home for all of his very bestest friends in the world?

Two-Face's very bestest friends in the world.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #28 Rating: A. Has Two-Face become a defender of the deformed and misbegotten? Is that why killing plastic surgeons isn't just a distraction at all but a necessary evil in his war against those who would enforce a certain standard of beauty? Is Two-Face the real hero in this story?! It feels like maybe stealing the things that have to do with the number two might be the actual distractions. Two-Face wants to buy an island for his misfit friends! A Utopia where nobody will ever treat them poorly! A place where they can hang out with their two zebra friends and shout "One of us!" all day long! Oh, plus I just love Matt Wagner's art. It feels so effortless and looks so good!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #2 (Third Week of December, 2017)

E!TACT! #2
Detective Comics, Justice League of America, Suicide Squad, Action Comics, and Other Assorted Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

Batman Detective Comics #970
by Tynion IV, Bennett, Regla, Loerzer, Jaime, and Wright

I only included the "Batman" part of the title because it's right there on the cover even though Batman is hardly ever in this comic book anymore. Now, I don't mind Batman not being in Detective Comics. But if they're going to stick "Batman" right on the title, I sort of expect him to be a major player. In reality, they should replace "Batman" with "Tumblr's" because Tynion IV seems to be writing this comic book to a quite specific audience.

Following that statement, I feel I need to add this paragraph that doesn't actually need to exist. But people have forgotten that they don't need to exist in a constant state of defensiveness (like the one I'm in right now which is causing me to write this paragraph to defend against the people in a constant state of defensiveness (it's like our current ability to engage in any kind of social dialogue has become a monstrous Ouroboros)). But being that we're all constantly feeling attacked, I can understand that a simple statement of observed reality (such as "Tynion IV is writing to a Tumblr audience") can be construed as judgment. Believe me, I'm not judging the book on its content. By all means, let Detective Comics be about the younger generation trying to fix the older generation's mistakes while uplifting minority viewpoints and calling out bullshit like authoritarianism and ableist memes extant within Batman (and other comic book) tropes. But please, at the very least, make it fucking interesting! It just seems like Tynion IV is incapable of that last bit.

This comic book is simply boring. I suppose if you can't get enough of the Tim Drake/Stephanie Cluemeister drama, you've probably rubbed this comic book against your genitals a half dozen times since it came out. But for those of us who want a compelling story that doesn't rely on the old mainstay of "Batman is bad and everybody thinks so" crutches, it's disappointing. If you want moving and entertaining stories that include all that "Tumblr audience" stuff that everybody probably believes I'm rebelling against because I wrote that line that caused me to write that other paragraph and they're never going to believe the other paragraph over their initial reaction to that one line, tune in to Brooklyn 99 or watch Master of None on Netflix. The writers of those shows are giving us a glimpse into the future. Whenever people complain of a piece of pop culture pandering to a certain audience, it's usually because they're having a difficult time dealing with the transitional phase between "shows with all white and/or male concerns" and "shows that take all perspectives into account." And that response is only amplified when the writing is terrible (or even mediocre. Like in Detective Comics). But the writers of Brooklyn 99 and Master of None (and I'm sure many other shows that I either haven't seen or aren't thinking about right now) develop shows that seem to exist in the post-transitional realm. These are shows that exemplify how stories can exist in a realm where all kinds of people exist. And they do it naturally because that world is just fucking natural (at least to the people living in the bubbles which aren't actually the anomaly bubbles but the bubbles of exemplary social conditions). I'm certain stodgy people who often find themselves saying things like "I'm not [insert difference]-ist!" probably couldn't sit through those shows either. But fucking hell what I wouldn't give for James Tynion IV to write something even half as good as those shows. I might be up for his Detective Comics at that point.

As a final aside (because I mentioned Brooklyn 99), I wanted to mention how I've been rewatching Deadwood and there's that part where Wild Bill is helping Bullock and Star build their shop when two guys stop by to talk to Bill. As I was watching the first guy critique Wild Bill's acting ability, I yelled out, "It's Hitchcock!" I'm so happy that Hitchcock lived in Deadwood and that he didn't seem too far off from his modern version.

As for the story itself, I suppose I could try to push my way past my own boredom to see what Tynion is trying to do. He seems to be examining the problems of Batman as an authoritarian forcing his own beliefs upon not only the social system he feels somehow responsible for but for the "family" he's taken under his wing as well. He is, literally, the Patriarch and Tynion's stories so far have been to expose his weaknesses and failings. Just because he's a white male of the previous generation, it doesn't mean he knows everything and it doesn't make everything he does okay. As a white male of the current generation, Tim Drake is struggling not to fall into the same patterns of patriarchal abuse of the system. He wants to do things differently but he's been failing because his need to control everything mirrors Batman's way exactly. But it isn't just Batman's authoritarian technique that's the main problem.

Enter Anarky. Here, we have another white male who knows best how things should be. It's the complete opposite of the way Batman wants to control Gotham but it's still just another white guy telling everybody how they should live their lives. Caught between these two men (Red Robin and Anarky) is Steph. Not only is she struggling with these two men telling her how she should be, she's also living under the shadow of her supervillain father. She has tried to find her own sense of agency by rebelling against her dad's ways (as we saw in the interminable Batman Eternal) only to later lose that agency in her relationship with Tim (who is so smart, how can he not constantly tell her what to do?!). Rebelling against Batman and the others when Tim seems to have died, she manages to find herself in Anarky's clutches. Eventually Steph will realize that these men never fucking listen to her and she'll figure out her own thing. Maybe. It's hard to hope that it will happen because she's been lost for so long.

The B Story between Cassie and Clayface is more compelling but it's hard to get emotionally invested when Cassie is reduced to speaking in her pidgin language.

The C Story about Kate dealing with her father and Batman I mostly already discussed in that part about Steph, Red Robin, and Anarky. Just replace all the proper nouns.

As for the Victim Syndicate and the city turning on Batman (can I call it "turning on Batman" when they always seem to hate him all the time now anyway?), I'd rather not write about it because I'll hurt my neck falling asleep at the keyboard.

Justice League of America #20

By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-fi

I haven't mentioned this in quite some time but did y'all know Lobo was in this book? He's right on the cover this issue so I can't imagine anybody passed it by on the shelves. The most typical reaction was probably "HOLY FUCK! A COMIC BOOK WITH LOBO?! I JUST RUINED MY UNDERWEAR IN A SEX WAY, THE SPECIFIC WAY BEING DEPENDENT ON THE GENITALIA INSIDE MY PANTS! EITHER WAY, I'M NOW ALL GOOEY! I THINK. WOMEN GOO TOO, RIGHT?! I HAVE TOO HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH A WOMAN!" That might not have been the most typical reaction unless you're also a closeted virgin who shouts crazy shit in the middle of your comic book shop.

This issue ends another story arc about a villain attacking a super group directly instead of the super group stopping a super villain from doing harm. I suppose Prometheus's plan was to turn everybody against the Justice League of America. And, I suppose as well, attacking a super group and endangering regular people during the attack is a good way to enact that plan. But Prometheus fucks up because this Justice League of America, from the beginning, has stated that they're the Everyperson's Justice League (at least Every Person from America, I guess)! So the civilians don't buy it (even though it seemed like they were buying it last issue) and they help the Justice League to save the day. Because ordinary people are strong as hell!

The story concludes with Lobo exposing Killer Frost's murder of a Null soldier in the last story arc. Instead of everybody going, "Wait. Why are we judging Frost when the person who got us to judge Frost is a well known genocider?! Why are we letting him off the hook?! I guess until he murders his first person while being part of the team, everything is peachy?", they go, "Oh no! Killer Frost! You've completely messed up your life and it's probably our fault for trusting you!" Killer Frost responds by saying, "No, no. It's my fault. Don't everybody get all up in my face with hugs and compassion. I'll take responsibility for my actions and ruin my life to prove that I'm remorseful." And then the JLA goes, "Whew. I can't wait until she's gone so I can stop feeling bad about myself."

The epilogue begins another story about a villain whose only plan is to attack a superhero (this time, it's The Ray's turn). Remember when villains didn't want to come into conflict with heroes?! I mean, I think there was a day like that. It's hard to say when people like The Riddler were constantly leaving clues so that Batman would eventually find him and punch him near to death. That's a fucking weird fetish, Riddler. But, you know, at least The Riddler wasn't just walking up to the Batcave, ringing the doorbell and calling Batman a cunt to his face when he answered. Like all these other villains do these days.

Suicide Squad #31

by Williams, Bagenda, Leisten, and Lucas

Ha ha ha! Hoo boy. That's some hilarious Narration Boxing from Harley Quinn. I don't think anybody has really died in the Squad since New 52 Suicide Squad #18 when Yo Yo was killed. Unless it was when Light was killed? I mean Lime. No wait. That was definitely earlier. Anyway, the people who have died in this comic book recently haven't really. Captain Boomerang. Reverse Flash. Even Rick Flag is simply in the Phantom Zone! I suppose it's good that Harley was the team member to have this thought because she's crazy. She might actually think there's been an extra person on each mission who has died.

Rick Flag Senior Senior dies this issue. I mean, he shouldn't die since he's in The Phantom Zone where time doesn't work. But he dies anyway. Maybe because he's simply in the foyer of The Phantom Zone? Anyway, his death doesn't matter because who the fuck cares about the Suicide Squad from two or three generations ago?! The only one that matters is the one from one or two generations ago! Shit, this one I'm reading now barely matters more than the original one I've never cared about.

Next issue, the Suicide Squad have to run down Karin who is driving a space station into the sun. So I guess the mission isn't an emergency or anything. It'll take her a few months to get there. And I'm sure the Squad has a faster ship than a fucking ginormous space station. Although does size matter in space? Since there's no atmospheric friction, does something being bigger help it to accelerate faster? I never claimed to be a scientist! Or smart even!

Action Comics #993

by Jurgens, Prado, and Hi-fi

Last issue, Dan Jurgens found a way to, once again, bring Booster Gold back into the DC Universe. How much extra money does Dan Jurgens get whenever Booster Gold appears in a comic book? Do "Created by" credits come with a monetary reward?

Last issue, Superman used The Flash's Cosmic Treadmill to go back in time so he could observe Krypton's destruction. I guess the Cosmic Treadmill also allows the user to travel through space? Or did Superman do that separately? Did he account for the amount of time it would take him to fly from Earth to Krypton before running back in time? I only ask that question because we all know Superman isn't as smart as Batman. He might not even be as smart as Hawkman.

I actually feel bad for saying that. I can't believe I'm about to apologize to a fictional character. I'm sorry, Superman. Nobody is as dumb as Hawkman. Except maybe Green Arrow. Although that's only in a figurative sense. And since I'm now speaking figuratively, I should probably point out that Aquaman is pretty dumb too.

Booster Gold joins Superman on a Krypton from an Elseworld's book (or should I say Elsewhen book?! Ha ha! Time travel humor that I totally didn't steal from this issue's Booster Gold since I actually stole it from the one person in every time travel movie who has to say, in response to "Where are we?", "Don't you mean . . . when are we?!"). The main difference on this Krypton is that  Zod and Jor-el are the best of friends. Like super best friends. It's so different and weird! How do writers come up with this stuff?!

Things get crazy on Krypton before Booster Gold ends the comic book by dropping the shoe off the other foot: he reminds Superman that he's powerless on Krypton! Oh man! What a jaw dropping last line! What a crazy twist reveal! I most definitely was not ardently screaming at the comic book the entire time I was reading it about how Superman would be powerless on Krypton so why was he being so stupid going back there and also this whole thing has reminded me of Scott Lobdell's Superman time travel to Krypton barf party so I might be a little bit crazy right now and have forgotten how to put together an understandable sentence. What I'm saying is: what a twist!

Other Assorted Bullshit

I still have a few comics that I'll probably read but that's quite fucking enough already, right? I've already passed my total word count record from the first issue: 2465 words. Is that a lot of words? That's probably two thousand, four hundred, and fifty words past TL;DR.

Judging by my weekly schedule of doing the things I need to do to maintain my existence, this newsletter will most likely go out on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. So I've narrowed it down to less than half the possible days of the week!

If you have the inclination, I believe you can reply directly to these Newsletters and I'll get them. I'll respond to all replies that don't make me think "I don't have time for these stupid questions that I was told don't actually exist but they fucking do! They totally fucking exist! Just like monsters! And drunk fathers who abandon their children to the harsh verities of existence?! Why didn't anybody tell me the truth as a child?!" So join the conversation! And if you want to converse with other followers of this Newsletter, let me know if it's okay to publish your email and a name you'd like to be called that isn't "Fucking degenerate."

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #2 (December 1992)

Miami Vice starring Batman as the Great Old One, Cthulhu.

In my last review on the first annual of Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (also by Dennis O'Neil), I forgot to say some things I was going to say in my hurry to wrap up the post. This is the architecture of most of my posts:

1. I ramble about my life or the cover or the general concept of the comic book. Whatever it is, it's pure rambling. Maybe I set up a theme or idea in the first few paragraphs which I can call back to throughout the review to give it a little bit of structure. A load bearing gag, so to speak.

2. I write an inordinate amount of bullshit about every weird detail in the first five or six pages. I just go on and on about everything, finding everything interesting or irritating because I'm excited about reading another comic book that I haven't read in probably 30 years.

3. By the middle of the comic book, my interest has waned and I start to check my email or Bluesky. Sometimes I'll wander off to play with the cat or play a round of Magic the Gathering on Forge. Occasionally, I'll put the comic book down and not pick it up again for a week or two.

4. Past the middle of the comic book, if it's a regular length comic, I might become reinvigorated, getting back in the mood to write stupid, snarky shit about the story or art. If it's a longer comic book, I'll just feel drained and begin summarizing great big swaths of the book. If they hold my interest like the first annual of this series, I'll do much better than usual. But often, I've lost interest and it shows by how little detail I dive into.

5. I wrap up the comic book, make up a letter grade that only vaguely means anything on its own and means virtually nothing when compared to how I graded other comics. I might sum up the overall experience, or I'll thank the universe the comic book has ended, or I'll simply go into another digression about something that has nothing to do with the comic book.

6. Sometimes I'll revisit some oddities in the story and work them through in the final paragraph. This is the important bullet point because it's the one I forgot to do in my review on O'Neil's Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #1! So I'm going to revisit that comic book now!

Why the fuck were Batman and The Joker on a plane together over Korea?! I really was going to speculate on this but I forgot all about it when I began ranting about blocking people who ruin your day by trying to debate stupid, dead ideas that only dinosaurs who are often racist want to debate. We've settled those debates, guys! Only assholes who are too dumb to understand that nobody likes them want to continue arguing online. Oh look! I'm doing it again! I'm distracting myself! But seriously: where were Batman and The Joker going? Does this annual take place after another story that ended with Batman and The Joker crashing on a plane? But that question, along with my Internet debate rant, also just distracts from the real problem in Denny's script: Batman never has to reveal whether he would save Hitler or let Hitler fall to his death! Denny lets Batman off the hook with that one by having Batman's hallucination end at the critical moment! Would Batman have saved Hitler's life? And Batman can't use all his stupid excuses he gave The Joker for why he'd feel it necessary to do so. Letting Hitler's fingers slip and fall while you just stand there taking your penis out to piss on his face isn't technically killing him!

Maybe the point of Denny's story is that we're not supposed to know if Batman's convictions are strong enough to keep him from killing Hitler. Leaving it ambiguous allows everybody to make up in their minds the answer that most satisfies them. Leftists can be all, "Oh, yeah, he totally was about to stomp on Hitler's fingers!" And liberals would be all, "He'd help him because Hitler might vote Democrat!" And right-wingers would be all, "Hitler, being the hero, would fucking save Batman, you pansy!" So see? Denny did the correct thing, I guess?

Ramble over. Let's read a fucking comic book!

The issue begins with some Gotham street thug calling Jim Gordon's bride-to-be a scag.

Looking up the definition of "scag" online was no help at all.

Being that I was young around the same time this comic book was first published, I readily accepted the term "scag" as a misogynistic slang term for a woman. I wouldn't say it was common even in 1992 but it felt familiar enough as an insult. Looking it up online in 2025, the official dictionaries only give the definition as heroin. Urban Dictionary, on the other hand, basically gives dozens of different possibilities for the definition. Are the kids okay? They can't even agree on the meaning of words anymore? Maybe it's a good thing that "scag" isn't as blatant an insult for women in 2025 than it must have been in 1992. As if women need more derogatory terms for them in everyday vernacular.

The important part of my initial statement about how this comic books begins isn't the word "scag" so I don't know why I went on about it. The important bit is that Jim Gordon is getting married! That's right! To another cop! They're out picking up his fiancé Sarah's wedding dress. But Jim is pouting because he just found out, like the day before the wedding, that Sarah wants a baby. He's being a real male about it.

Ugh. Jim is one of those cowards.

One of the things that I can't stand about assholes (and all Men's Rights Activists are this type of asshole) is how they'll be the biggest asshole in the world for as long as they can get away with it and then when somebody calls them out on it, they're all, "What are you talking about?" or "I'm just joking!" or "That's not what I said!" Fucking cowards. If you're going to be an asshole, own it. I'm not suggesting you be an asshole but at least embrace the things you believe, even if those things are belittling the woman you're supposedly in love with. Hell, every conservative is like this! They simply won't own up to the things they actually believe, constantly shifting their arguments and defenses so they never actually have to say the thing that they believe because they know the actual thing they believe is fucking terrible. If Jim's angry about Sarah springing having a baby on him, be angry about it! Don't pout and act all passive aggressive and ruin the entire day because you don't have the balls to say, "Yes, we probably should have spoken about this. I should have brought it up since you didn't. But it feels wrong, as if you were hiding from me, to bring it up so close to the wedding. As if you knew I wouldn't be pleased. And I'm not. So being angry at me for being upset isn't really fair. We're both responsible for making sure the other knows our feelings and maybe we should talk about this." Instead, Jim is all, "Boo hoo. This fucking sucks. Your dress is dumb. You're mean. I'm sad now!" Grow up!

To be fair, Jim Gordon is a cop and how many cops have ever been in touch with their actual feelings? I bet Jim's going to go out and beat a jaywalker later.

Before Jim and Sarah can hash out this new wrinkle in their relationship, the jerks with the interesting vocabulary bust in waving guns in their faces. I bet Jim and Sarah are both relieved they don't have to discuss their relationship anymore.

What a surprise. A dirty cop blaming an honest cop for getting him fired.

The only reason I can use the phrase "honest cop" in this comic book review is because Jim Gordon is fictional. As if there's actually such a thing as an honest cop!

This ex-dirty cop who hasn't learned to take responsibility for his own moral failings in life beats the shit out of Jim Gordon. Jim can't fight back or else the dirty cop's friend will blow Sarah's head off with the shotgun he holds right up to her head. Being that she's a cop, she must know how to disarm an overconfident asshole who gets this close with his gun, right? Even while in a wedding dress.

Jim Gordon doesn't fight back or give in so the jerk with the shotgun begins beating Sarah. That's enough for Jim to beg them to stop and listen to what they want him to do.

Is Jim asking which kid because he knows Barbara can handle herself if they had her? Or because he doesn't give a shit if they kill James? Either way, I guess Jim doesn't have to help them!

I'm assuming James Junior is the creepy serial killer fuck that I knew from The New 52. Maybe he wasn't a huge albatross hanging around Jim's neck in 1992 and he actually wants to save him from these guys? Because it's James they have and this book still has like forty pages to go. If James Junior was a creepy little creep, wouldn't the comic book end as soon as the mobsters let Jim go and Jim went back to his daily life without ever thinking about them again?

James seems a bit too young to be the creep he'll later grow into so perhaps when Jim tells Sarah he's going to expose the judge's corruption anyway, it's actually a difficult decision for him. Although he knows Batman and Batgirl so maybe it's not a difficult decision at all. He sends the evidence that the judge is corrupt to all the news outlets, gives Batman a call with the Bat-signal, and then hopes Batman does what he's supposed to do. I'm sure Jim will be all, "Damn it! You owe me!" And Batman will be all, "--hnnnh--." And then Batman will disappear as Jim begins listing all the reasons why Batman owes him.

Jim Gordon disappears into his investigation while Sarah does her own investigating. She doesn't have time to change out of her wedding dress so she's running around town in a massive amount of lace and a GCPD jacket. I don't know what leads either James or Sarah are following because my eyes glaze over trying to read these detective stories. I just want a nearby television to tell the protagonist what's happening, moving them in the right direction for the big confrontation. I understand this is an annual with a whole bunch of pages that need to be wasted. But that doesn't mean I have to treat those wasted pages like Shakespeare and pay close attention to them.

Fifteen pages in now and my attention is beginning to flag! Batman had better appear soon.

Jim Gordon disappears from the story as he investigates, according to Bullock, some person named Gleam who is involved with the corrupt cop and the ex-cop, Flass, who assaulted Jim and Sarah. Sarah thinks, "Fuck detective work," and heads out to Gotham Cop her way to answers.

I don't see this marriage lasting.

Sarah discovers Gleam hangs out on a boat in the bay. She doesn't kill the guy who gives her the information but she doesn't promise not to kill him later, especially since he attempted to sexually assault her. She also plans on killing Flass for slapping her earlier. I say "killing" but, I don't know, maybe she's not as Gotham Coppy as she seems. Maybe she just meant she's going to castrate him.

Corrupt ex-cop Flass discovers that Jim sent the evidence of his buddy judge's corruption to news outlets when one of the radio stations plays it on air. Gordon decides to call off the wedding and the entire relationship and any future relationships that might try to creep up on him. Everybody in his family has suffered because of his job because he was stupid enough to go into public service instead of being a masked vigilante. Sarah storms out of her office and spends one panel bumping into the janitor because I guess the janitor is Batman?

"Oh hi character who has no reason to be introduced and doesn't advance the story in any way so I probably shouldn't be too concerned with you!"

Gleam turns out to be the boy in the bubble and the man in the iron mask all in one. Or he's just a sex pervert who's one-upped Frank Booth by living in the gas mask instead of using a teeny-tiny handheld mask. Amateur! He's decided the dirty cop who proved that he was too violent and out-of-control to be a cop can no longer be trusted because he was also too violent and out-of-control as a mobster ex-cop. Gleam's also decided to blow up his boat because the FBI are onto him. That's convenient for Jim Gordon because Sarah will probably be on it when it explodes, taking care of all of his marriage problems.

Little James Gordon gets stuffed in a sack and hung off the side of a bridge until his father decides to play ball with Flass. A familiar man in a mustache is left to guard him.

Am I wrong to assume that every bit character with a mustache is Batman working outside of the main narrative as he follows Gordon's requests to save James?

Sarah, fed up with Gordon treating her like shit as he falls deeper into isolation to protect those he cares about, heads up onto the roof to contact Batman by Batsignal. Batman's already there sitting behind the spotlight waiting for her to turn it on. She ran into the "janitor" on the way to the roof so he knew she'd be up there and ran up shedding his janitor disguise to confront her. At least that's what I'm guessing happened because this story isn't about the reader following Batman's trail to saving the day. We're stuck with the common people who feel helpless, caught up in Gotham's whirlpool of crime and hopelessness. Batman knows what Sarah's going to ask of him because, as he says, he's been eavesdropping. I bet he's already saved James since I'm pretty sure he was that other mustached guy too! Now Batman's just toying with everybody.

Turns out Jim's heading out to Gleam's boat after leaving his badge and a letter of resignation with Bullock. He plans on killing Flass, having already given up his son for dead. Meanwhile on the boat that Jim's headed toward that's about to explode, Flass and the corrupt Judge sit around wondering why Gleam asked them there but there's nobody else on the boat. Yeah, that's not suspicious! Might as well wait around for a few hours to find out what's going on.

Batman figures out that James is probably hanging from a bridge somewhere and heads out to look for him so I guess Batman isn't every background character with a mustache. Just most of them.

Turns out, Batman would save Hitler from falling off of a bridge.

Is it unfair for me to compare a young kid who hasn't done anything in his entire life except be a complete and utter victim with the arguably most evil person in Western Civilization? Nah, I don't think so. This kid's going to turn into a massive creep and that's good enough reason for me to call him Hitler. Plus, we still don't know how many genocides he might commit before DC ultimately kills him off!

Over on Gleam's boat, Sarah arrives by helicopter before Gordon arrives by boat. Both of them, along with the corrupt cop and judge, wind up locked in an airtight room in the boat's hold. They're all liabilities but I don't know how they're liabilities because I don't know anything about Gleam or his plans. I don't think he actually has any. He's just the main mob boss who hired Flass the ex-cop and was trying to get a judge in his pocket elected mayor. Oh! I guess that was the plan! Get the mayor in his pocket! Anyway, Flass the dirty cop fucked it all up with his revenge plans on Jim Gordon and now all of the people involved in that plot arc need to be exploded into goo.

As the oxygen begins to run out and the boat sinks beneath the bay, Jim and Sarah get married with the corrupt judge officiating.

I guess now that they're married, Jim will have to stop treating Sarah like shit and an afterthought, right? Is that how marriage works? It fixes all the ills of the relationship?

I'm not a believer in superstitions or omens but I do think that getting married by a corrupt judge while your brain is deprived of oxygen and the ship where the wedding is taking place is sinking into a bay might be a bit unlucky for the couple's future happiness. Maybe I'm overthinking it. Um, Mazel Tov!

Luckily there's an oxygen tank in this airtight chamber because I guess Gleam would lock himself in it to get high on his pure oxygen when at sea? After the wedding, Gordon builds a bomb, blows the door, and they all swim to the surface. A chopper flown by a guy in a mustache drops a ladder to save everybody. Little James happens to be in the helicopter too! The wedding day ends happily after all. I guess I don't know anything about lucky omens and whatnot.

Batman sends a flock of bats to torment Gleam with a message stapled to one of the bats that says, "Soon." I guess that takes care of him! The story ends with Jim saying something about how love is all that matters and big dumb idiots who keep everybody at arm's length and can't find love are just stupid moronic imbeciles who are wasting their life.

cri cri cri

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #2 Rating: B+. Batman barely appears in this annual and yet that's what actually makes this story interesting. Is this comic book worth anything because it contains the marriage of Jim Gordon and Sarah Essen! That's like the 18th biggest wedding to take place in comic books in 1992! That's a made-up statistic meaning "Nobody fucking cares, right?" I didn't even remember that Jim Gordon got remarried and I owned and read the comic book where it happened! I thought the title, "Vows", would play more of a role in this than it did. I guess the idea was that Gordon's cop vows were seemingly more important than marriage vows. But then when Gordon's cop shit couldn't save the day and everybody was going to die anyway, he realized that love and marriage were more important than his career. I'm not saying I buy into that conclusion! Sure, love and marriage are more important than career but that just means love and marriage are two of seventy million things in life that are more important than career! Especially when said career is being a fucking cop! Things more important than being a cop: love, marriage, Magic the Gathering, pornography, learning to build a Wickerman for the spring festival, raccoons, taking a huge shit, tacos. I could go on like this forever but basically it would just be the dictionary minus "cops" and "police".

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #1 (1991)

Great Mignlola cover. Denny wrote the script. Ten other artists inked and penciled the rest.

I don't know why it took so many people to finish this annual. Probably because it's an annual and everybody working on it had plenty of other regular paying gigs and were cajoled into helping out on this story. Or, and this is way less plausible, Denny O'Neil was all, "I've envisioned the first six pages in Aparo's style. Then nine pages of Giffen's nine panel grids. Then some of Joe Quesada's overwrought craziness! Then, um, just whoever you can get, I guess. But finish with some Aparo! Man, love that guy!"

Batman has journeyed on foot through harsh blizzard conditions to a monastery high in the mountains in Korea (North? South? Denny didn't say!). He doesn't know why he's come, dragging a heavy duffel bag and its unknown contents the entire way. I think Denny picked Jim Aparo for this prologue because Aparo does a really good surprised Batman face.

Batman is surprised that he doesn't know what he's up to.

I'd go as far to say that Jim Aparo is the only artist that has ever drawn that face on Batman. Most artists can't even conceive of a shocked or surprised Batman. But when doing Batman and the Outsiders, Aparo had Batman making this face 80% of the time! "Halo! Put your tits away! Human girls usually wear shirts!" "Metamorpho, stop lighting your farts on fire!" "Black Lightning, you left your wig in the shower again and it scared the batcrap out of me!" "Geoforce, you suck!"

Somehow, Batman fucked up his destiny by choosing violence. The Master, an old man who trained Batman many years ago, says that Batman has embraced violence too eagerly and while he has a gift for it, he warns that it will destroy him. So The Master gives Batman two choices, either embrace peace or — "I'll take the second choice!" yells Batman!

I bet what lies at the heart is a big fucking gun.

Batman is so averse to pacifism that he doesn't even care if total murder and mayhem lie at the heart of a life of violence. What else could it be? Either become Vegan Daddy Hugbucks, or BatPunisher. There is no middle ground!

Batman's challenge awaits on the other side of a mystery door that leads to a world that looks like Keith Giffen drew it and Malcolm Jones III inked it. The Master reminds Batman to take his duffel bag and Batman heads out on his quest.

Batman finds himself in a strange hellscape where a red narration box constantly mocks him. And don't think it's just Batman having intrusive thoughts. Something actually seems to be speaking to him in his mind because it tempts him into leaving his duffel bag behind and he answers it by speaking aloud. Okay, maybe — just maybe — they're intrusive thoughts and he's just arguing with the part of him that really wants to dump whatever the fuck he's been carrying through the mountains. If the end credits didn't specify that Dennis O'Neil was the only person to script this story, I'd really believe that Keith Giffen wrote the dialogue for this part. Maybe he did. Scripting is totally different from dialogue and Keith Giffen knows that better than anybody after working with J.M. DeMatteis for so many years.

If this were Giffen dialogue, it would be a bit snappier. And you'd have to read it four times to figure out what they were talking about.

Batman encounters several devils who try to take the duffel bag from him but he beats the shit out of each one that tries and never gives up his burden. Is this a retelling of The Last Temptation of Christ? Batman never gives in but then the only thing he's been tempted with so far is giving up his heavy bag. If only David Finch or Tony S. Daniels were drawing one of these sections, Batman would be tempted by several women exiting showers and wearing only towels. He'd definitely fail that temptation! I mean, I'd definitely fail that temptation!

Batman discovers another door. On the other side is a world conceived of by Joe Quesada and Joe Rubinstein. He finds he has left Hell and found himself in a medieval castle. So last challenge was by Nikos Kazantzakis; is this challenge by, um, whomever wrote Sir Gawain and the Green Knight! I didn't think that sentence through to the end or I would have formatted it in a way that didn't depend on my (or anybody) knowing the author of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.

Anyway, it looks like maybe Batman is going to get to fuck a woman and then get fucked by a knight! Two times lucky!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy! It's going to happen! Man, if she turns into a vampire and sics a massive lizard on Batman instead of fucking him, I'm going to be really disappointed.

Batman drinks from the goblet and gags because it's, um, blood. Goddammit!

How do I always forget I'm reading comic books and not pornography?

The vampire explains to Batman that he's free to go if he can get past her giant lizard. She also gives him a hint as to how to kill it. In the previous landscape, the final demon he confronted begged Batman to kill it before it escaped to torment mankind above. But Batman chose not to kill it and it froze in place. Again, Batman chooses not to kill. He tricks the dragon with the old spear-holding-open-the-mouth trick, gets his duffel bag, and escapes. Once again, without killing.

I guess The Master know Batman wouldn't choose pacifism. But he apparently wants to see if Batman can continue to choose not to kill in various violent scenarios, each one more dangerous than the last. Perhaps The Master was worried that anybody who commits as much violence on other humans as Batman does would surely, one day, succumb to actually killing his rivals. So he's brought him halfway across the world to test Batman's will and patience.

I hope Jason Todd's corpse is in the duffel bag!

Batman hikes through the next portal into a challenge drawn by Tom Lyle and inked by Ty Templeton. This one seems to be based on The Day the Earth Stood Still. Do you think Batman will choose murder in this scenario when he can't think of the word that follows Klaatu and Barada?

Oh, sorry. It's based on Earth vs. the Flying Saucers.

Like Earth vs. the Flying Saucers (my knowledge based on Wikipedia and not my stupid memory which I hate even though it's better than Pickle Boy's memory (my writing assistant who stopped remembering things about 26 years ago (based on trying to have discussions with him on House of Leaves immediately after we'd read it and most of his half of the discussion being, "I don't remember that part! I need to re-read it!"))), Batman defeats the alien by using sound. But first he has to call a National Guardsmen fat and shove him to the ground. He doesn't throw a sandwich at him but now, in my mind and stupid memory, he always will have thrown a sandwich at him when I think about this story.

The alien tells Batman that he fucked up by crashing his flying saucer into the Capitol Building and to recover from his humiliation, he needs to kill a human in one-on-one combat. Batman doesn't want to kill him so instead he tells the alien he can just find asylum in America because in 1992, America still cared about helping people. Or maybe it didn't. But Batman did! By not killing the alien even when the alien was practically begging for it so that he wouldn't be the laughingstock of his people, Batman has passed yet another test in controlling his violent nature.

Do you think Batman failed his violent nature test in The Poison Tomorrow when he, arguably, caused the truck to crash off of a bridge and almost certainly kill the two men in the cab? Or was that just part of proving that Batman walks the walk and doesn't just talk the talk because earlier he questioned Green Arrow's decision to save one person over thousands. Batman allowed those two men to die to save thousands of babies because he's a true hero and also it totally wasn't his fault! Those idiots who smashed themselves to smithereens at the bottom of the chasm were responsible for their own lives!

"See you later, fatso!"

Just so you know, I don't approve of Batman fat shaming that soldier even if Batman only did it to save his life. The soldier wanted to fight the alien himself and Batman decided to choose a worse form of violence than actual violence: patting a slightly overweight guy on the stomach and hinting at how fat he's getting. Is Batman my uncle?!

Batman's next challenge takes place in Dan Spiegle's steamy dark version of Gotham. This test will be easy! Batman's spent his whole life not killing people in Gotham!

It might not actually be Gotham though because it's 1920s Chicago and Batman's now in The Untouchables. To pass this test, Batman will have to ignore the advice of Sean Connery! And who can ignore the advice of Sean Connery?! Oh, um, you know what? I hope everybody ignores the advice of Sean Connery because isn't he the guy who said, "You're wife doesn't clean the dishes, you slap her. She yells back at you, you put her in the morgue." Or something like that. I'm not mad at my memory this time because why would I need to remember a terrible quote about domestic violence?!

Batman walks out of the misty night and stumbles on some mobsters bootlegging. They immediately begin firing bullets out of their tommy guns at an alarming rate. You can tell because while most guns go "POW!" or "BANG!", tommy guns go "BRRRAT!" Even Batman finds it terrifying!

How come fans got so angry at Kevin Smith when he made it canon that Batman pissed himself when Denny O'Neil made it canon that Batman shit himself? "BRRRAT!"

The FBI shows up and in the confusion, the Mobsters steal Batman's duffel bag. Batman's desperate to get it back because it probably contains a much needed change of underwear. As well as Jason Todd's corpse, of course.

Batman steals one of the FBI Agent's cars and gives chase to the escaping mobsters. They lead him on a chase directly to the location where they're delivering the illegal hooch. I think in the '20s, if you got the items you were smuggling to your home base, the cops had to stop pursuing you, snap their fingers in disappointment, and say, "Shucks! We'll get 'em next time!" Too bad Batman isn't from the '20s! He crashes his car into the bar and does his chronologically first crashing through the skylight.

Excuse me. I do not think that's true, Batman!

I'm pretty sure the modern equivalent of a speakeasy is just a fucking bar!

See in that panel where Batman notices the trucks are unloaded? Those trucks arrived in the middle of a high-speed chase with loads of gunfire! That's why I made up the thing where I equated playing tag or hide-n-seek to smuggling liquor. Why else would they be so confident to stop running and shooting and casually get out of the truck and unload the booze?

Once again, Batman doesn't kill anybody. He even goes so far in the other direction that The Master must be stroking his beard and raising his eyebrows and thinking, "I've never seen anybody like him!" Because a fire breaks out as Batman gets his duffel bag back and instead of leaving an unconscious gangster to roast, he tries to save him. It doesn't work because the floor collapses sending them into an underground river and the gangster drowns but, you know, in a test like this, it's mostly about Batman's intentions and less about how successful he is.

Look, he did everything he could. Now it's up to the unconscious man to save himself from drowning.

Falling in a river and resurfacing acts exactly like walking through a door so now Batman's in the world of James Blackburn and Michael Golden. I've never heard of either of those artists! I've heard of John Blackburn but not...I mean, no, wait. I've never heard of him either! Not knowing Michael Golden is just ignorance on my part. I've seen, at the very least, his Man-bat profile in Who's Who (the binder version)!

Is that the right-way round?

Batman finds himself in a snowy landscape. He decides, after so many tests, the best thing to do is take a nap in the snow. Sure, he's also soaking wet from the plunge in the river. But he built a fire! And his suit probably has electric blanket technology sewn into it.

Before he can freeze to death in his sleep, Batman's awakened by the butt of a rifle in his back and being called a pig in German.

Has anybody actually shit the same pair of trousers twice?

Uh-oh. This is Batman's real test! It's like that time Mulder found himself on a ghost ship full of ghost Nazis and he wanted nothing more than to kill every single one of them because they were the perfect symbol for everything he stood against. Meanwhile Scully was all, "There's no such thing as a ghost! Where is everybody? How come I don't get to participate in this story?!" What I'm trying to say is if there's something that Batman feels he can reasonably kill without feeling like he's actually killed anything, it's an undead Nazi. But The Master might not agree with that technicality!

Batman, having dealt with zombies probably at least forty or fifty times in his career, realizes fleeing is his best option. Besides, this test isn't "Stop undead fascism". This test is "Can you live by violence without letting it corrupt you into killing your enemies"? Up until now, Batman's had an easy time of it. Does he kill a demon begging for it? No, you never help a demon! Does he kill a dragon? No way! He's just doing his dragon thing being a dragon! Do you kill a pathetic alien loser? Why waste your time? Do you simply let a mobster burn to death even though none of it is really your fault? No but you probably shouldn't have let him drown either! So The Master is all, "I need to make this test hard! What or who can I throw in front of Batman to really tempt him into murder?!"

Uh-oh. Now I want him to fail! I don't want to think about what it says about Batman if he passes after this test!

Dennis O'Neil has written the only story that matters! How far will Batman go to preserve his rule about not killing somebody? How much evil will he allow to remain in the world just so he can look Superman in the eye and say, "Well, I've never killed anybody" (and then mutter, "Technically.")? Because as we saw in The Poison Tomorrow, Batman has the capacity to think about "If somebody raises some thing or person or ideal above everything else (Green Arrow needing to save Dinah (or Batman needing to never have killed!)), then how many will die (thousands of babies (or, in Batman's case, everybody The Joker murders after every time Batman doesn't kill him))?" Surely Batman isn't responsible for every murder The Joker commits when Batman catches him but doesn't kill him. Because Batman is just following Jesus's words and ideals about redemption. And also Gandalf's!

Batman decides his only way to escape this army of undead Nazi's is to use Hitler as a hostage. As he chases the tank with Hitler in it, it crashes backwards through an old bridge. He has his chance! Does he save Hitler? Or does he let him fall?

So Hitler was a metaphor for an even worse evil? The Joker?! That's backwards, right?

Batman realizes that the voice that's been mocking him all along was The Joker. And the head wound he kept receiving in every "fantasy" was an actual head wound he received from The Joker throwing a rock at his head. Yes, the burden he was pulling along all this time, the burden the voice kept trying to get him to leave, was The Joker. Batman was hallucinating from a fever brought on by the cold and the head wound.

Batman's grand philosophical response to this debate is "Shut up." Everybody online could learn a thing or two from Batman.

At one point, The Joker learns that Batman hallucinated that The Joker was Adolf Hitler and The Joker is all, "I'm flattered!" Which is the appropriate response by The Joker because having The Joker be all anti-Nazi and constantly trying to prove it with that bit where he's insulted by The Red Skull's Nazi affectations is stupid, useless bullshit. He's fucking crazy. He's a murderous madman. Proving that even he hates Nazis doesn't mean shit. "Oh, wow! Even The Joker hates Nazis! Well, let's applaud The Joker for having one rational belief although none of his beliefs are rational so why are you relying on this one being so?!" This, for me, is The Joker's canon response to Nazism and Adolf Hitler! He's pleased as punch to be anywhere in Hitler's league! That says more about how shit Hitler and the Nazis are than having The Joker somehow defend hating them!

Apparently Batman and The Joker were in a plane crash and Batman is dragging The Joker to an army medical station. On the final page, Batman answers the question as to why he won't kill The Joker and it's all the standard bullshit that I can't buy into. "Oh, I'd be no better than you!" "Oh, I believe all life is sacred even the life of a person who keeps taking lives over and over again and promises to keep doing it." "Oh, I just don't want to give you the satisfaction of seeing me fail my test." Maybe those answers are satisfying to some people on some level. But I still think the only real reason to keep somebody like The Joker alive is practically religious. It's utterly Christian. And it's the thing I said earlier about Christ's words on redemption. But, as I also mentioned, it's more because of what I learned from Gandalf. We don't have the right to bring back those who have died even if they deserve to be alive, why do we think we have the right to take the life of those we think should be dead? Of course, Gandalf's early words to Frodo are given the strength of an author writing like 900 more pages to prove Gandalf right when Gollum, who everybody wanted to kill, accidentally saves the world when Frodo loses the strength to do so. I guess real life isn't that cleanly written and perhaps there are some people who a real life Batman should kill. Or maybe we should develop techniques to convince evil people to kill themselves! That shouldn't be too hard, right? Maybe some Christian Rock band can learn how to backwards mask some hypnotic shit like that!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #1 Rating: A-. I know I don't rate annuals. But guess what? I'm tired of ending every annual explaining to readers why I didn't rate the stupid fucking annual! And since my ratings on every other comic book don't actually mean shit (seriously. Try to make sense of them! It'll drive you mad!), why not just rate these fuckers too? This issue might have gotten an A+ if that last page where Batman explains himself to The Joker was left out. He should have just left his response as "Shut up." This is the problem with Batman and the Internet! People always feel they need to explain their positions to other people who don't actually give a shit about your position or your explanation. They're just the fucking Joker trying to rile up your shit. Even "Shut up" is too much. You do know just about every site (except the Nazi site now, I guess?) has a well-executed Block function! Use it, guys! Use it for everything! Man, I block people who haven't even engaged with me who just slightly irritate me! Sometimes I'm just in a mood and I don't want to see a screenshot on Bluesky from Twitter and I'll be, "Get the fuck out of here, BronyFucker2003!" And that'll be after really enjoying some of BronyFucker2003's anthropomorphic animal sex sketches!