Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #1 (1991)

Great Mignlola cover. Denny wrote the script. Ten other artists inked and penciled the rest.

I don't know why it took so many people to finish this annual. Probably because it's an annual and everybody working on it had plenty of other regular paying gigs and were cajoled into helping out on this story. Or, and this is way less plausible, Denny O'Neil was all, "I've envisioned the first six pages in Aparo's style. Then nine pages of Giffen's nine panel grids. Then some of Joe Quesada's overwrought craziness! Then, um, just whoever you can get, I guess. But finish with some Aparo! Man, love that guy!"

Batman has journeyed on foot through harsh blizzard conditions to a monastery high in the mountains in Korea (North? South? Denny didn't say!). He doesn't know why he's come, dragging a heavy duffel bag and its unknown contents the entire way. I think Denny picked Jim Aparo for this prologue because Aparo does a really good surprised Batman face.

Batman is surprised that he doesn't know what he's up to.

I'd go as far to say that Jim Aparo is the only artist that has ever drawn that face on Batman. Most artists can't even conceive of a shocked or surprised Batman. But when doing Batman and the Outsiders, Aparo had Batman making this face 80% of the time! "Halo! Put your tits away! Human girls usually wear shirts!" "Metamorpho, stop lighting your farts on fire!" "Black Lightning, you left your wig in the shower again and it scared the batcrap out of me!" "Geoforce, you suck!"

Somehow, Batman fucked up his destiny by choosing violence. The Master, an old man who trained Batman many years ago, says that Batman has embraced violence too eagerly and while he has a gift for it, he warns that it will destroy him. So The Master gives Batman two choices, either embrace peace or — "I'll take the second choice!" yells Batman!

I bet what lies at the heart is a big fucking gun.

Batman is so averse to pacifism that he doesn't even care if total murder and mayhem lie at the heart of a life of violence. What else could it be? Either become Vegan Daddy Hugbucks, or BatPunisher. There is no middle ground!

Batman's challenge awaits on the other side of a mystery door that leads to a world that looks like Keith Giffen drew it and Malcolm Jones III inked it. The Master reminds Batman to take his duffel bag and Batman heads out on his quest.

Batman finds himself in a strange hellscape where a red narration box constantly mocks him. And don't think it's just Batman having intrusive thoughts. Something actually seems to be speaking to him in his mind because it tempts him into leaving his duffel bag behind and he answers it by speaking aloud. Okay, maybe — just maybe — they're intrusive thoughts and he's just arguing with the part of him that really wants to dump whatever the fuck he's been carrying through the mountains. If the end credits didn't specify that Dennis O'Neil was the only person to script this story, I'd really believe that Keith Giffen wrote the dialogue for this part. Maybe he did. Scripting is totally different from dialogue and Keith Giffen knows that better than anybody after working with J.M. DeMatteis for so many years.

If this were Giffen dialogue, it would be a bit snappier. And you'd have to read it four times to figure out what they were talking about.

Batman encounters several devils who try to take the duffel bag from him but he beats the shit out of each one that tries and never gives up his burden. Is this a retelling of The Last Temptation of Christ? Batman never gives in but then the only thing he's been tempted with so far is giving up his heavy bag. If only David Finch or Tony S. Daniels were drawing one of these sections, Batman would be tempted by several women exiting showers and wearing only towels. He'd definitely fail that temptation! I mean, I'd definitely fail that temptation!

Batman discovers another door. On the other side is a world conceived of by Joe Quesada and Joe Rubinstein. He finds he has left Hell and found himself in a medieval castle. So last challenge was by Nikos Kazantzakis; is this challenge by, um, whomever wrote Sir Gawain and the Green Knight! I didn't think that sentence through to the end or I would have formatted it in a way that didn't depend on my (or anybody) knowing the author of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.

Anyway, it looks like maybe Batman is going to get to fuck a woman and then get fucked by a knight! Two times lucky!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy! It's going to happen! Man, if she turns into a vampire and sics a massive lizard on Batman instead of fucking him, I'm going to be really disappointed.

Batman drinks from the goblet and gags because it's, um, blood. Goddammit!

How do I always forget I'm reading comic books and not pornography?

The vampire explains to Batman that he's free to go if he can get past her giant lizard. She also gives him a hint as to how to kill it. In the previous landscape, the final demon he confronted begged Batman to kill it before it escaped to torment mankind above. But Batman chose not to kill it and it froze in place. Again, Batman chooses not to kill. He tricks the dragon with the old spear-holding-open-the-mouth trick, gets his duffel bag, and escapes. Once again, without killing.

I guess The Master know Batman wouldn't choose pacifism. But he apparently wants to see if Batman can continue to choose not to kill in various violent scenarios, each one more dangerous than the last. Perhaps The Master was worried that anybody who commits as much violence on other humans as Batman does would surely, one day, succumb to actually killing his rivals. So he's brought him halfway across the world to test Batman's will and patience.

I hope Jason Todd's corpse is in the duffel bag!

Batman hikes through the next portal into a challenge drawn by Tom Lyle and inked by Ty Templeton. This one seems to be based on The Day the Earth Stood Still. Do you think Batman will choose murder in this scenario when he can't think of the word that follows Klaatu and Barada?

Oh, sorry. It's based on Earth vs. the Flying Saucers.

Like Earth vs. the Flying Saucers (my knowledge based on Wikipedia and not my stupid memory which I hate even though it's better than Pickle Boy's memory (my writing assistant who stopped remembering things about 26 years ago (based on trying to have discussions with him on House of Leaves immediately after we'd read it and most of his half of the discussion being, "I don't remember that part! I need to re-read it!"))), Batman defeats the alien by using sound. But first he has to call a National Guardsmen fat and shove him to the ground. He doesn't throw a sandwich at him but now, in my mind and stupid memory, he always will have thrown a sandwich at him when I think about this story.

The alien tells Batman that he fucked up by crashing his flying saucer into the Capitol Building and to recover from his humiliation, he needs to kill a human in one-on-one combat. Batman doesn't want to kill him so instead he tells the alien he can just find asylum in America because in 1992, America still cared about helping people. Or maybe it didn't. But Batman did! By not killing the alien even when the alien was practically begging for it so that he wouldn't be the laughingstock of his people, Batman has passed yet another test in controlling his violent nature.

Do you think Batman failed his violent nature test in The Poison Tomorrow when he, arguably, caused the truck to crash off of a bridge and almost certainly kill the two men in the cab? Or was that just part of proving that Batman walks the walk and doesn't just talk the talk because earlier he questioned Green Arrow's decision to save one person over thousands. Batman allowed those two men to die to save thousands of babies because he's a true hero and also it totally wasn't his fault! Those idiots who smashed themselves to smithereens at the bottom of the chasm were responsible for their own lives!

"See you later, fatso!"

Just so you know, I don't approve of Batman fat shaming that soldier even if Batman only did it to save his life. The soldier wanted to fight the alien himself and Batman decided to choose a worse form of violence than actual violence: patting a slightly overweight guy on the stomach and hinting at how fat he's getting. Is Batman my uncle?!

Batman's next challenge takes place in Dan Spiegle's steamy dark version of Gotham. This test will be easy! Batman's spent his whole life not killing people in Gotham!

It might not actually be Gotham though because it's 1920s Chicago and Batman's now in The Untouchables. To pass this test, Batman will have to ignore the advice of Sean Connery! And who can ignore the advice of Sean Connery?! Oh, um, you know what? I hope everybody ignores the advice of Sean Connery because isn't he the guy who said, "You're wife doesn't clean the dishes, you slap her. She yells back at you, you put her in the morgue." Or something like that. I'm not mad at my memory this time because why would I need to remember a terrible quote about domestic violence?!

Batman walks out of the misty night and stumbles on some mobsters bootlegging. They immediately begin firing bullets out of their tommy guns at an alarming rate. You can tell because while most guns go "POW!" or "BANG!", tommy guns go "BRRRAT!" Even Batman finds it terrifying!

How come fans got so angry at Kevin Smith when he made it canon that Batman pissed himself when Denny O'Neil made it canon that Batman shit himself? "BRRRAT!"

The FBI shows up and in the confusion, the Mobsters steal Batman's duffel bag. Batman's desperate to get it back because it probably contains a much needed change of underwear. As well as Jason Todd's corpse, of course.

Batman steals one of the FBI Agent's cars and gives chase to the escaping mobsters. They lead him on a chase directly to the location where they're delivering the illegal hooch. I think in the '20s, if you got the items you were smuggling to your home base, the cops had to stop pursuing you, snap their fingers in disappointment, and say, "Shucks! We'll get 'em next time!" Too bad Batman isn't from the '20s! He crashes his car into the bar and does his chronologically first crashing through the skylight.

Excuse me. I do not think that's true, Batman!

I'm pretty sure the modern equivalent of a speakeasy is just a fucking bar!

See in that panel where Batman notices the trucks are unloaded? Those trucks arrived in the middle of a high-speed chase with loads of gunfire! That's why I made up the thing where I equated playing tag or hide-n-seek to smuggling liquor. Why else would they be so confident to stop running and shooting and casually get out of the truck and unload the booze?

Once again, Batman doesn't kill anybody. He even goes so far in the other direction that The Master must be stroking his beard and raising his eyebrows and thinking, "I've never seen anybody like him!" Because a fire breaks out as Batman gets his duffel bag back and instead of leaving an unconscious gangster to roast, he tries to save him. It doesn't work because the floor collapses sending them into an underground river and the gangster drowns but, you know, in a test like this, it's mostly about Batman's intentions and less about how successful he is.

Look, he did everything he could. Now it's up to the unconscious man to save himself from drowning.

Falling in a river and resurfacing acts exactly like walking through a door so now Batman's in the world of James Blackburn and Michael Golden. I've never heard of either of those artists! I've heard of John Blackburn but not...I mean, no, wait. I've never heard of him either! Not knowing Michael Golden is just ignorance on my part. I've seen, at the very least, his Man-bat profile in Who's Who (the binder version)!

Is that the right-way round?

Batman finds himself in a snowy landscape. He decides, after so many tests, the best thing to do is take a nap in the snow. Sure, he's also soaking wet from the plunge in the river. But he built a fire! And his suit probably has electric blanket technology sewn into it.

Before he can freeze to death in his sleep, Batman's awakened by the butt of a rifle in his back and being called a pig in German.

Has anybody actually shit the same pair of trousers twice?

Uh-oh. This is Batman's real test! It's like that time Mulder found himself on a ghost ship full of ghost Nazis and he wanted nothing more than to kill every single one of them because they were the perfect symbol for everything he stood against. Meanwhile Scully was all, "There's no such thing as a ghost! Where is everybody? How come I don't get to participate in this story?!" What I'm trying to say is if there's something that Batman feels he can reasonably kill without feeling like he's actually killed anything, it's an undead Nazi. But The Master might not agree with that technicality!

Batman, having dealt with zombies probably at least forty or fifty times in his career, realizes fleeing is his best option. Besides, this test isn't "Stop undead fascism". This test is "Can you live by violence without letting it corrupt you into killing your enemies"? Up until now, Batman's had an easy time of it. Does he kill a demon begging for it? No, you never help a demon! Does he kill a dragon? No way! He's just doing his dragon thing being a dragon! Do you kill a pathetic alien loser? Why waste your time? Do you simply let a mobster burn to death even though none of it is really your fault? No but you probably shouldn't have let him drown either! So The Master is all, "I need to make this test hard! What or who can I throw in front of Batman to really tempt him into murder?!"

Uh-oh. Now I want him to fail! I don't want to think about what it says about Batman if he passes after this test!

Dennis O'Neil has written the only story that matters! How far will Batman go to preserve his rule about not killing somebody? How much evil will he allow to remain in the world just so he can look Superman in the eye and say, "Well, I've never killed anybody" (and then mutter, "Technically.")? Because as we saw in The Poison Tomorrow, Batman has the capacity to think about "If somebody raises some thing or person or ideal above everything else (Green Arrow needing to save Dinah (or Batman needing to never have killed!)), then how many will die (thousands of babies (or, in Batman's case, everybody The Joker murders after every time Batman doesn't kill him))?" Surely Batman isn't responsible for every murder The Joker commits when Batman catches him but doesn't kill him. Because Batman is just following Jesus's words and ideals about redemption. And also Gandalf's!

Batman decides his only way to escape this army of undead Nazi's is to use Hitler as a hostage. As he chases the tank with Hitler in it, it crashes backwards through an old bridge. He has his chance! Does he save Hitler? Or does he let him fall?

So Hitler was a metaphor for an even worse evil? The Joker?! That's backwards, right?

Batman realizes that the voice that's been mocking him all along was The Joker. And the head wound he kept receiving in every "fantasy" was an actual head wound he received from The Joker throwing a rock at his head. Yes, the burden he was pulling along all this time, the burden the voice kept trying to get him to leave, was The Joker. Batman was hallucinating from a fever brought on by the cold and the head wound.

Batman's grand philosophical response to this debate is "Shut up." Everybody online could learn a thing or two from Batman.

At one point, The Joker learns that Batman hallucinated that The Joker was Adolf Hitler and The Joker is all, "I'm flattered!" Which is the appropriate response by The Joker because having The Joker be all anti-Nazi and constantly trying to prove it with that bit where he's insulted by The Red Skull's Nazi affectations is stupid, useless bullshit. He's fucking crazy. He's a murderous madman. Proving that even he hates Nazis doesn't mean shit. "Oh, wow! Even The Joker hates Nazis! Well, let's applaud The Joker for having one rational belief although none of his beliefs are rational so why are you relying on this one being so?!" This, for me, is The Joker's canon response to Nazism and Adolf Hitler! He's pleased as punch to be anywhere in Hitler's league! That says more about how shit Hitler and the Nazis are than having The Joker somehow defend hating them!

Apparently Batman and The Joker were in a plane crash and Batman is dragging The Joker to an army medical station. On the final page, Batman answers the question as to why he won't kill The Joker and it's all the standard bullshit that I can't buy into. "Oh, I'd be no better than you!" "Oh, I believe all life is sacred even the life of a person who keeps taking lives over and over again and promises to keep doing it." "Oh, I just don't want to give you the satisfaction of seeing me fail my test." Maybe those answers are satisfying to some people on some level. But I still think the only real reason to keep somebody like The Joker alive is practically religious. It's utterly Christian. And it's the thing I said earlier about Christ's words on redemption. But, as I also mentioned, it's more because of what I learned from Gandalf. We don't have the right to bring back those who have died even if they deserve to be alive, why do we think we have the right to take the life of those we think should be dead? Of course, Gandalf's early words to Frodo are given the strength of an author writing like 900 more pages to prove Gandalf right when Gollum, who everybody wanted to kill, accidentally saves the world when Frodo loses the strength to do so. I guess real life isn't that cleanly written and perhaps there are some people who a real life Batman should kill. Or maybe we should develop techniques to convince evil people to kill themselves! That shouldn't be too hard, right? Maybe some Christian Rock band can learn how to backwards mask some hypnotic shit like that!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #1 Rating: A-. I know I don't rate annuals. But guess what? I'm tired of ending every annual explaining to readers why I didn't rate the stupid fucking annual! And since my ratings on every other comic book don't actually mean shit (seriously. Try to make sense of them! It'll drive you mad!), why not just rate these fuckers too? This issue might have gotten an A+ if that last page where Batman explains himself to The Joker was left out. He should have just left his response as "Shut up." This is the problem with Batman and the Internet! People always feel they need to explain their positions to other people who don't actually give a shit about your position or your explanation. They're just the fucking Joker trying to rile up your shit. Even "Shut up" is too much. You do know just about every site (except the Nazi site now, I guess?) has a well-executed Block function! Use it, guys! Use it for everything! Man, I block people who haven't even engaged with me who just slightly irritate me! Sometimes I'm just in a mood and I don't want to see a screenshot on Bluesky from Twitter and I'll be, "Get the fuck out of here, BronyFucker2003!" And that'll be after really enjoying some of BronyFucker2003's anthropomorphic animal sex sketches!

Justice League Quarterly #2 (Spring 1991)

DC's version of Galactus is just an interior decorator.

If I were asked, "What character do you never want to read another story about ever?", I'd probably say, "Arsenal. Especially Lobdell's version." But then if you'd said, "Remember there is a character called Mister Nebula," I would punch you in the throat and yell, "Thanks for reminding me, asshole! Fine. That's my answer!" Although if you dodged my punch and rapidly shouted, "But it's written by Ann Nocenti!", I would have totally chilled the fuck out, dropped some LSD, and thoroughly enjoyed the comic book. Not that this issue is written by Ann Nocenti. But just imagine if it were! If I could liquify the schadenfreude I experience from reading an Ann Nocenti comic book and sell it as a street drug, I'd probably quickly get arrested for killing a bunch of drug addicts because no way anybody can survive a full dose of that much schadenfreude and nonsense. Mmm, so good! And lethal!

Behold! Eighty pages of terrible fashion jokes!

Mister Nebula finds fulfillment in flying about the universe and redesigning worlds. Like an over-the-top episode of Changing Rooms, this intergalactic Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen heeds nobody's advice and ignores the wishes of anybody who actually has to live in the space, turning mundane yet livable worlds into hideously tacky neo-gothic landscapes covered in pastel prints and fake furs. Afterward, when everybody complains about the state of the new space and how awful their lives will be living in it, Mister Nebula flies off in a petulant pout, wondering why nobody ever thanks him for his artistic flair and wild imagination. At least Galactus just eats everybody and never has to deal with their complaints. I think Mister Nebula should seriously consider genocide as a sub-hobby. Just redesign the planet, kill everybody on it, and fly off to the next planet feeling fulfilled! Maybe he needs to team up with Lobo. Then, at least, Lobo would be in this issue.

Like Galactus (because he's a parody of Galactus), Mister Nebula also has a herald who flies ahead of him, searching out planets that need a makeover. Mister Nebula's herald is the Scarlet Skier who has been befriended on Earth by G'nort, possibly becoming his roommate in the Justice League Antarctica Embassy. Mister Nebula realizes his herald is missing when he's unsure where the next redesign on his list will take place. So he sends out a probe to find the Scarlet Skier which will simply give Mister Nebula a reason to visit Earth. And oh boy what a mess he's going to find that planet in! Fucking brutalism.

Oh, my bad. They're roommates at the Embassy in Brazil.

G'nort might be in love with Scarlet Skier but the Scarlet Skier knows only a bountiful, endless love of the stars. He's dying to get back to skiing through space (the second most ridiculous form of space travel). But he's stuck on Earth living with the creature that destroyed his skis and stranded him on Earth. So he really, really hates G'nort. I know everybody hates G'nort. But the Scarlet Skier actually has a non-bigoted reason for hating him. Even Martian Manhunter can't say the same. J'onn is just a fucking hater who spews constant dog slurs at G'nort just like everybody else.

Mister Nebula's probe appears and even though the Scarlet Skier wants to get back to his life of flying amongst the stars, he doesn't want to work for that flamboyant monster. Also he knows that if Mister Nebula comes to Earth, he will utterly destroy it. Not literally! He'll just redesign it so that nobody will find it livable anymore and everybody will constantly be stressed out and angry having to look at whatever tacky bullshit Mister Nebula comes up with. Although it can't be any worse than brutalism, right?! So many fucking boring downtowns in major cities! They could use a little space flair!

G'nort fails to stop the probe which escapes back into space. This causes the Scarlet Skier to lose his patience with G'nort and now, finally, every single being on Earth wants to kill G'nort.

Real baller decision by Tom Artis to put a bird in that first panel when he's apparently never actually seen a bird before.

Scarlet Skier, being convinced that Mister Nebula is now coming to destroy him and the Earth (he is, by the way), appeals to the Justice League to save him (and the Earth). Having never heard of Mister Nebula, Ice requests an origin story. Scarlet Skier is more than happy to tell it, having spent so many years at the Manga Khan School of Melodrama. That's one of Giffen and DeMatteis's running jokes! Thirty years later and I still haven't had enough of it!

The origin story boils down to (and this isn't me being facetious and insensitive!) "These two powerful Jewish Lords of Order named Stan and Jack came to this planet of Gentile Non-Lords of Order to get drunk and have sex with some Shiksas (the actual name of the beings living on the planet Kvetch (I told you! I'm not making this shit up!))."

If any of this origin story is anti-Semitic, try to remember I'm just the messenger!

Jack and Stan meet a man building a temple to worship the Lords of Order. But he's a right tacky twat so Stan sends him straight to Hell. Then Stan and Jack go off to create the Marvel Universe. So Scarlet Skier tells their story so he can get to Mister Nebula's story. That's the story of the guy sent to Hell. Seems like he added a lot of unnecessary details to the Stan and Jack part of the story when he maybe could have just begun the story with them visiting a mortal temple dedicated to the Lords of Order. It seems, to me, that he could have avoided painting Stan Lee to be a sexist, gropey asshole with anger issues and drinking problems. Or maybe that was actually the important part of the story! At least to Giffen and DeMatteis!

The man sent to Hell was named Kirtan-Rodd. I guess that's a joke although I don't know how or why. If you're going to name your alien something that winds up being an inanimate object on Earth, why not Septick-Tanck? Oh, I guess because Curtain Rods are a staple of interior design? Although it's so tangential to interior design, picking out curtain rods, that they could have used Septick-Tanck. I suppose it doesn't matter, being that it doesn't even qualify as a joke. But here I am writing a paragraph about it anyway.

In Hell, Kirtan-Rodd gazes at a dizzying mixture of shapes and colors, so gaudy, awful, and tacky that it would drive any mortal crazy, especially if they have to look at it for eternity. The Hell of the Lords of Order is basically being on Changing Rooms, having Laurence redecorate your room, and spending the rest of eternity having to experience the horror of the reveal over and over again. Except there was a spanner in the works: Kirtan-Rodd loved the look of Hell! He became a new alien living eons among the distorted landscape and clashing colors. And eventually, he found his way back to the regular universe where he decided things were too boring to believe. He knew what he must do! He knew what he had to become!

The guy on his belt is "Elvez," apparently his style guru.

And that's his origin! He was just a tacky designer who went to tacky design Hell where it made him a super tacky designer after which he escaped Hell and became a terrible cosmic decorator! Was that similar to Galactus's origin?

Batman arrives to eavesdrop on the conversation with Scarlet Skier, learns that Earth is about to be redecorated by a cosmic God, and heads back to Gotham to help The Joker escape so he'll be too busy to help fight Mister Nebula. That leaves only J'onn, G'nort, Scarlet Skier, and Ice to deal with the problem. Maybe also L'ron.

How dare the fucking Letterer block Ice's rump with that word balloon?! Was it even necessary?!

Obviously J'onn hasn't been paying attention to the Doom Patrol during these years if he thinks they're not up to Crazy Jane's asshole in weird shit to deal with. Remember, Grant Morrison was writing them at this time. Also, I say "Crazy Jane's asshole" because she's the only one on the team with an extant asshole. Maybe sixty assholes even.

Mister Nebula creates a base in the Norwegian Sea so that Giffen and DeMatteis would have an excuse to send most of the heroes there to stop some tidal waves caused by a sudden new land mass. That leaves J'onn, Ice, and G'nort (Scarlet Skier winds up sedated for now) to handle Mister Nebula himself. Justice League Europe manages to spare Crimson Fox and Blue Jay as well. I'd say this is a pretty weak team but Crimson Fox knows all about fashion and style! So she'll probably defeat him in a fashion show.

It doesn't take long for G'nort to fuck up everything, cause another massive tidal wave, and then lose consciousness due to the strain of using his power ring to keep his new tidal wave from destroying New York. He collapses into the sea while Martian Manhunter finally acts like Martian Manhunter should have been fucking acting since he met G'nort.

I get why everybody treats G'nort like shit (because G'nort is annoying and everybody else is an asshole). But J'onn should always have shown him some compassion.

Is there a reason I expect Martian Manhunter to be the grown-up in the room? Is that historically accurate for the character? I can't tell anymore! I've read too much of the Giffen/DeMatteis version of the character!

G'nort mentions getting a JLA beeper in that last panel and I feel like I don't need to explain what beepers are to young readers because 30 Rock is a thing that exists. And certainly everybody has seen 30 Rock, right?

J'onn flies back to read the Scarlet Skier's mind to find out if Mister Nebula has any weaknesses while Crimson Fox and Ice climb up the side of Mister Nebula and into his ear. Ice uses her powers to give Mister Nebula vertigo. And even though everybody screamed at G'nort for causing Mister Nebula to fall into the bay, nobody is around to yell at Ice and Fox for making Mister Nebula fall in the middle of New York. I'm sure he only crushed, at most, 200 people.

Knocking Mister Nebula on his ass won't keep him out for long, so Martian Manhunter has a little chat with him while Mister Nebula is still woozy from the vertigo.

I guess when J'onn scanned Scarlet Skier's brain, he learned Mister Nebula was a narcissist.

To convince Mister Nebula that the Earth is following in his decorating footsteps, J'onn shows him Las Vegas. Mister Nebula finds the place a fantastic example of his work. He promises to leave Earth, thinking it's in tacky hands. Is this the way J'onn defeats every bad guy? He gives them exactly what they want so that they'll go away? So far it's worked with Despero and Mister Nebula. I bet if he just gave G'nort a nice big bowl of food covered in gravy and some belly rubs, G'nort would stop being so annoying as well.

Before Mister Nebula leaves the solar system, he teleports the Scarlet Skier back on board his ship. The Scarlet Skier takes back his job and, hopefully, that's the last we'll ever see of those two!

But wait! There's more: a back-up Fire and Ice story called "Running Hot and Cold!" I've just read 60 pages of comic book (and, as usual, really treated the last 30 pages pretty shabbily) so I'm almost certainly going to describe the action of this story in one or two lines. The story begins with Captain Cold and Heatwave in mufti, drunk off their asses and feeling sorry for themselves.

Now that I know these two are in this story, the title has exploded into new dimensions of punning!

To understand comic book history and the amount of "power creep" that crawled in over the years, all you need do is remember how The Flash's biggest enemies in the early days were a couple of guys with fancy pistols and they somehow always gave him a "run" for his money. You might think children reading comics in the Golden and Silver Age were great big ignorant chowderheads but they must have read every Flash comic book yelling to nobody, "Just take their weapons! Run really fast and take their weapons! You great big ignorant chowderhead Barry! What are you doing?!" I mention power creep over the years because The Flash probably wasn't fast enough to outrun flames and ice being shot out of a gun back then. Or the writers just didn't really give a shit. Maybe the editors shackled them to boring stories of The Flash battling guys with hand-held weapons. "What do you mean you wrote a story where The Flash disarmed the entire Rogues Gallery in one panel!? How the fuck are you going to follow up that story next month, you idiot?! Once The Flash shows he can do that, Captain Cold and Heatwave are fucking useless, man! The kids will expect that every month! Bah!" And then Broome and Infantino were all, "Don't worry! Next month, The Flash will battle hyper-intelligent gorillas!" And the editor was all, "How is that any more believable?!" And Broome was all, "They're telepaths! And nothing is faster than the speed of thought!" And then John Broome got a 20 cent raise!

Really, though, power creep is such a huge part of The Flash's history. First he could just run fast. Then he could vibrate into parallel worlds. Then he could time travel. Then his power became a super magic ability that could do almost anything called the Speed Force. And then he broke the entire DC Universe multiple times. But there was once a time when he could barely even defeat a guy with an ice gun and a guy with a fire gun and a guy with a mirror and a guy who did pranks.

Captain Cold currently works in a bookstore and Heatwave works for the Parks Department. And yet somehow they're unsatisfied with their lives?! Those both sound like fucking dream jobs! But I guess their dicks don't get hard anymore because they're out of the super villain game. Man, I know how that is! Not being out of the super villain game! The other one!

They decide to commit a robbery and get some cash together so they can bail on their awesome jobs. It's not a great idea except that they're going to meet Fire and Ice! And because they're doing crime, their dicks will be hard when they meet them! I smell a meet cute coming up!

Captain Cold and Heatwave decide to rob a jewelry store just as Fire and Ice pass by. They notice the robbery and, after a slightly-too-lengthy debate, decide to stop it.

The woman who can't stop catching everything in the room on fire when she transforms has a problem with a little extra ice.

Captain Cold and Heatwave wind up escaping out the back door which seems unlikely because I thought New York jewelry stores were death traps with only one way in and out! And that one exit can be sealed shut with a push of a button! Maybe things were different in 1991's New York. Or maybe things aren't actually the way I decide to believe they are?

Fire and Ice chase Cold and Heat down into the subways where they ultimately catch them. And then the NYPD arrive and arrest Fire and Ice for, I don't know, being rude to them and showing them up. Fucking cops are turds.

The issue ends with Martian Manhunter stress eating a shit-ton of Oreos. I get it, J'onn. I fucking get it.

Justice League Quarterly #2 Rating: B. Better than I expected but it's still 80 pages of comic book and I have a tough time concentrating on that much comic book at one time. In 1991, I probably loved getting a lengthy comic book to sit and read. But it's 2023 now and nobody has any idea what time is anymore. It's like the entire world is turned up to 10 and our attention is pinging around so many things trying to get that attention that we ultimately have little time for anything at all. I can barely sit down and watch a full length movie anymore! And I don't even own a smart phone so don't think I'm blaming this on phones! It's just the world, baby!

Justice League America #45 (December 1990)

I'd be afraid Ice would accidentally freeze my dick off when she has an orgasm.

Ha ha! I can hear you all saying, "I doubt you'd have to worry about that!" Let me tell you something about my sexual skills: they're probably awesome! Is that a good Tinder bio? "My sex skills are probably awesome! If you're into that kind of thing. We can also just hold hands during couple's skate at the local ice rink after sharing a strawberry shake with two straws."

If I lived in the DC Universe, I know the Guardians would never choose me to wield a Green Lantern Ring because I would mostly use it to create ass dildos during sex (for all participants). I don't know for sure that everything is better while wearing a butt plug but I have a strong suspicion that it is true. That guy cheating at chess with anal beads only confirmed my theory which is why I'm finally going public with it (unless I already went public with the theory several times in several different past reviews. That's a strong possibility). I will test this theory the next time I go to Disneyland although I don't think I'll manage to get photographic proof from Splash Mountain's final drop camera. I will try though! And I know they're closing Splash Mountain but I'm sure when it turns into Tiana's Bayou Adventure, it'll just be the same ride with non-racist animatronics.

Speaking of butt plugs, I hope Lobo is in this issue!

The first two pages of this issue look like Adam Hughes drew them but third page definitely isn't Adam Hughes. Looking at the credits, the main art credit goes to Russell Braun with inks by John Beatty. A follow-up credit for "Assisting and Abetting" goes to Adam Hughes and Jose Marzan Jr and Malcolm Jones III. So that's fucking weird, right?

Wait. After taking her to a porno and battling Black Hand, Ice went on a second date with Guy to a cockfight?!

At the end of their last date, Ice made it clear she would never again go out with Guy and then went to take a week-long bath. But unless I'm somehow missing the "two roosters pecking each other to death" reference, she must have relented and gone on a second date with him that's not mentioned! Unless the porno took place at a cockfight. Or maybe Ice was describing the porno and meant "two peckers roosting each other to death." Is that a thing? Should I look up "roosting" on Urban Dictionary?! Maybe it'll be explained on the next page!

So she did give him another chance that wasn't documented in a comic book!

Guy offers to let her choose and Ice somehow finds that enticing. But where else can they go?! They've already done the porn theater and a cockfight! What else is there? Mud wrestling, I suppose? It's possible this is a recurring event where Ice relents and Guy chooses a terrible place to go and Ice screams at him for the rest of the week. It all happens between issues which is why all of this cockfighting nonsense is news to readers. But Ice eventually gives in because she desperately wants to fuck him for some reason only to have him ruin the entire thing with his masculine idiocy. This time (or once again?), Ice jumps at the chance to go on another date when Guy gives her control of the date's location so I'm guessing she must be dying to taste his dick. I can't see any other reason to date him unless she's got a thing for guys with serious brain damage and unresolved issues stemming from the brain injury and a high propensity for complete and utter violence.

Fire loses her fucking mind (again?) when Ice tells her she's going out on another date with Guy Gardner.

Guy Gardner is going to compare Tora to a couch, isn't he?

Ice has decided that Guy Gardner will be a good boy and pretend to enjoy himself at the Ice Capades in the hopes of scoring. Well, at least Ice will have a good time. Plus she must want to fuck Guy or she wouldn't keep enduring these humiliating dates with him. But then, Guy must actually really like Ice if he's willing to go to the Ice Capades with her even though he feels it threatens his masculinity, especially because Lightray laughs at him just before he and Ice leave on their date.

That's right, Guy! It is one way of putting it! You're being very respectful and charitable in your totally normal and innocuous response to the extravagant gaiety of the performance!

Blue Beetle learns that Guy Gardner has gone to the Ice Capades to share an activity which Ice enjoys and he decides it's the perfect thing to bust Guy's balls over. What a fucking dick. Guy is showing a second layer, trying to be a decent bloke, and all Blue Beetle can think is to make fun of him for it. It doesn't occur on-panel but I'm sure Blue Beetle did the cat meowing/whip noise at some point. Fire tries to stop his stupid prank but he is unstoppable in his fervor to humiliate Guy (and Ice! He's going to completely ruin Ice's night and embarrass her on her first enjoyable date with Guy!) so she relents and decides to go with him to the Ice Capades. I'm sure Fire has only gone to make sure Ice isn't hurt but she should have held out and demanded Blue Beetle knock off this childish behavior. Of course Ice is going to be hurt! She sees something in Guy which she'd like to pursue and everybody else around her just gives her unending shit about dating him. And now they're going to try to fuck it up because they want to emasculate Guy for going to the Ice Capades? That's directly shitting on something that Ice adores! Maybe this is why I became such a Guy Gardner fan! Because everybody around him treats him like shit! Ice is the only one willing to reach out to him and break through the tough guy wall that's almost certainly been built up due to a lasting brain injury and crippling insecurity for being the "replacement Green Lantern." I believe there's also deep wells of anger due to knowing that he's only the replacement Green Lantern because Hal Jordan happened to be closer to Abin Sur's crash landing!

I'm not saying Guy still doesn't need therapy and anger management courses!

Blue Beetle has Kilowog build a big-headed Guy Gardner robot (or it's just a simple Ice Capades costume. But why bother Kilowog if it wasn't something high tech?) and convinces the Ice Capades manager to let it go on in celebration of members of the Justice League being in the audience. The scheme works to humiliate Guy, especially when the robot skater's trousers drop to expose his boxers with hearts on them (pretty sure those are canon pants for Guy, by the way). Guy's anger and embarrassment build until he lets out a tremendous scream and then goes practically catatonic. Like after his mishap with Hal's Green Lantern battery that gave him the brain damage! I don't mean he falls into a coma which is why I said "practically catatonic." His face just remains twisted in anger, his fists permanently in claws, and he stops speaking.

There were some previous panels which really highlighted Guy's traumatic state but those didn't have Fire's tits in them.

J'onn should boot Blue Beetle from the team after this. He endangered everybody in Madison Square Garden for his dumb prank. I'm amazed Guy didn't use the most powerful weapon in the universe to wipe the minds of everybody in the arena! Hell, I'm surprised he didn't accidentally kill them all in a huge anger explosion. You might think, "Isn't that reason to suspend Guy from the team? The fact you think he's capable of that?" But then every powerful hero is capable of losing their shit and causing trouble! It's like the main plot of every Superman Elseworld story (and every other Superman story in current continuity!). But Guy is a real hero and keeps his shit calm. Blue Beetle should be kicked off the team for creating a hostile work environment (especially since he's doing it out of work hours!).

At the end of the night, Kilowog and Beetle go a bit too far and stash the big-headed Guy Gardner in Guy's bed. Already in the mood to kill, Guy gets pushed over the edge. His ring lets him know who created this thing and so he goes to beat the shit out of both of them. Nobody comes to his defense because everybody knows Guy is the hot-headed asshole. Orion even heads up to beat the shit out of Guy because, well, obviously Guy is the problem. He's an arrogant hot-tempered narcissist who talks a lot of shit. I get why Blue Beetle would like to knock him down a peg. And I get why Orion would simply assume Guy is the issue. But ultimately, if this is the way the League acts when they're not on a mission, maybe it's time to call the whole thing quits.

Oberon, who had been considering leaving although Max begged him to reconsider, ultimately decides to leave the Justice League for good due to the chaos. He also blames Guy. I can't say this Justice League would be better off without Guy's personality in the mix but they still need his power. That's why Blue Beetle, the ineffectual twat, should be kicked off the team! Nobody needs stupid pranks, especially when they're targeted at the most violent person on the team. Max and J'onn really should understand that Guy needs some serious therapy to deal with his past trauma. It's sad that we won't see a really good handling of Guy Gardner for another 25 years when Charles Soule will show how great a character he can be in Red Lanterns.

I guess if Oberon is leaving then that means Mister Miracle isn't coming back either. So they've replaced Booster Gold and Mister Miracle with Lightray and Orion. Who will replace the New Gods when the joke of a couple of New Gods being on the Justice League runs out of steam? Because I don't see them being on the team for the long haul. Anyway, a decent issue where not much happens which seems to be the state of things in Justice League comic books recently.

Justice League America #45 Rating: B. I don't know who did what art because I ultimately didn't pay that much attention to the differences because Russell Braun and John Beatty's art was more than satisfactory (some of the males could be a bit jowly with weirdly proportioned faces but overall it was pleasant to look at). Unlike the first date in a previous issue, this date ends with Ice and Guy having gotten much closer (even if Guy finally loses his temper at the end of the night. I'm pretty sure the date is officially over by then so Ice has to forgive him for killing Ted Kord and Kilowog).