Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #1 (1991)

Great Mignlola cover. Denny wrote the script. Ten other artists inked and penciled the rest.

I don't know why it took so many people to finish this annual. Probably because it's an annual and everybody working on it had plenty of other regular paying gigs and were cajoled into helping out on this story. Or, and this is way less plausible, Denny O'Neil was all, "I've envisioned the first six pages in Aparo's style. Then nine pages of Giffen's nine panel grids. Then some of Joe Quesada's overwrought craziness! Then, um, just whoever you can get, I guess. But finish with some Aparo! Man, love that guy!"

Batman has journeyed on foot through harsh blizzard conditions to a monastery high in the mountains in Korea (North? South? Denny didn't say!). He doesn't know why he's come, dragging a heavy duffel bag and its unknown contents the entire way. I think Denny picked Jim Aparo for this prologue because Aparo does a really good surprised Batman face.

Batman is surprised that he doesn't know what he's up to.

I'd go as far to say that Jim Aparo is the only artist that has ever drawn that face on Batman. Most artists can't even conceive of a shocked or surprised Batman. But when doing Batman and the Outsiders, Aparo had Batman making this face 80% of the time! "Halo! Put your tits away! Human girls usually wear shirts!" "Metamorpho, stop lighting your farts on fire!" "Black Lightning, you left your wig in the shower again and it scared the batcrap out of me!" "Geoforce, you suck!"

Somehow, Batman fucked up his destiny by choosing violence. The Master, an old man who trained Batman many years ago, says that Batman has embraced violence too eagerly and while he has a gift for it, he warns that it will destroy him. So The Master gives Batman two choices, either embrace peace or — "I'll take the second choice!" yells Batman!

I bet what lies at the heart is a big fucking gun.

Batman is so averse to pacifism that he doesn't even care if total murder and mayhem lie at the heart of a life of violence. What else could it be? Either become Vegan Daddy Hugbucks, or BatPunisher. There is no middle ground!

Batman's challenge awaits on the other side of a mystery door that leads to a world that looks like Keith Giffen drew it and Malcolm Jones III inked it. The Master reminds Batman to take his duffel bag and Batman heads out on his quest.

Batman finds himself in a strange hellscape where a red narration box constantly mocks him. And don't think it's just Batman having intrusive thoughts. Something actually seems to be speaking to him in his mind because it tempts him into leaving his duffel bag behind and he answers it by speaking aloud. Okay, maybe — just maybe — they're intrusive thoughts and he's just arguing with the part of him that really wants to dump whatever the fuck he's been carrying through the mountains. If the end credits didn't specify that Dennis O'Neil was the only person to script this story, I'd really believe that Keith Giffen wrote the dialogue for this part. Maybe he did. Scripting is totally different from dialogue and Keith Giffen knows that better than anybody after working with J.M. DeMatteis for so many years.

If this were Giffen dialogue, it would be a bit snappier. And you'd have to read it four times to figure out what they were talking about.

Batman encounters several devils who try to take the duffel bag from him but he beats the shit out of each one that tries and never gives up his burden. Is this a retelling of The Last Temptation of Christ? Batman never gives in but then the only thing he's been tempted with so far is giving up his heavy bag. If only David Finch or Tony S. Daniels were drawing one of these sections, Batman would be tempted by several women exiting showers and wearing only towels. He'd definitely fail that temptation! I mean, I'd definitely fail that temptation!

Batman discovers another door. On the other side is a world conceived of by Joe Quesada and Joe Rubinstein. He finds he has left Hell and found himself in a medieval castle. So last challenge was by Nikos Kazantzakis; is this challenge by, um, whomever wrote Sir Gawain and the Green Knight! I didn't think that sentence through to the end or I would have formatted it in a way that didn't depend on my (or anybody) knowing the author of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.

Anyway, it looks like maybe Batman is going to get to fuck a woman and then get fucked by a knight! Two times lucky!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy! It's going to happen! Man, if she turns into a vampire and sics a massive lizard on Batman instead of fucking him, I'm going to be really disappointed.

Batman drinks from the goblet and gags because it's, um, blood. Goddammit!

How do I always forget I'm reading comic books and not pornography?

The vampire explains to Batman that he's free to go if he can get past her giant lizard. She also gives him a hint as to how to kill it. In the previous landscape, the final demon he confronted begged Batman to kill it before it escaped to torment mankind above. But Batman chose not to kill it and it froze in place. Again, Batman chooses not to kill. He tricks the dragon with the old spear-holding-open-the-mouth trick, gets his duffel bag, and escapes. Once again, without killing.

I guess The Master know Batman wouldn't choose pacifism. But he apparently wants to see if Batman can continue to choose not to kill in various violent scenarios, each one more dangerous than the last. Perhaps The Master was worried that anybody who commits as much violence on other humans as Batman does would surely, one day, succumb to actually killing his rivals. So he's brought him halfway across the world to test Batman's will and patience.

I hope Jason Todd's corpse is in the duffel bag!

Batman hikes through the next portal into a challenge drawn by Tom Lyle and inked by Ty Templeton. This one seems to be based on The Day the Earth Stood Still. Do you think Batman will choose murder in this scenario when he can't think of the word that follows Klaatu and Barada?

Oh, sorry. It's based on Earth vs. the Flying Saucers.

Like Earth vs. the Flying Saucers (my knowledge based on Wikipedia and not my stupid memory which I hate even though it's better than Pickle Boy's memory (my writing assistant who stopped remembering things about 26 years ago (based on trying to have discussions with him on House of Leaves immediately after we'd read it and most of his half of the discussion being, "I don't remember that part! I need to re-read it!"))), Batman defeats the alien by using sound. But first he has to call a National Guardsmen fat and shove him to the ground. He doesn't throw a sandwich at him but now, in my mind and stupid memory, he always will have thrown a sandwich at him when I think about this story.

The alien tells Batman that he fucked up by crashing his flying saucer into the Capitol Building and to recover from his humiliation, he needs to kill a human in one-on-one combat. Batman doesn't want to kill him so instead he tells the alien he can just find asylum in America because in 1992, America still cared about helping people. Or maybe it didn't. But Batman did! By not killing the alien even when the alien was practically begging for it so that he wouldn't be the laughingstock of his people, Batman has passed yet another test in controlling his violent nature.

Do you think Batman failed his violent nature test in The Poison Tomorrow when he, arguably, caused the truck to crash off of a bridge and almost certainly kill the two men in the cab? Or was that just part of proving that Batman walks the walk and doesn't just talk the talk because earlier he questioned Green Arrow's decision to save one person over thousands. Batman allowed those two men to die to save thousands of babies because he's a true hero and also it totally wasn't his fault! Those idiots who smashed themselves to smithereens at the bottom of the chasm were responsible for their own lives!

"See you later, fatso!"

Just so you know, I don't approve of Batman fat shaming that soldier even if Batman only did it to save his life. The soldier wanted to fight the alien himself and Batman decided to choose a worse form of violence than actual violence: patting a slightly overweight guy on the stomach and hinting at how fat he's getting. Is Batman my uncle?!

Batman's next challenge takes place in Dan Spiegle's steamy dark version of Gotham. This test will be easy! Batman's spent his whole life not killing people in Gotham!

It might not actually be Gotham though because it's 1920s Chicago and Batman's now in The Untouchables. To pass this test, Batman will have to ignore the advice of Sean Connery! And who can ignore the advice of Sean Connery?! Oh, um, you know what? I hope everybody ignores the advice of Sean Connery because isn't he the guy who said, "You're wife doesn't clean the dishes, you slap her. She yells back at you, you put her in the morgue." Or something like that. I'm not mad at my memory this time because why would I need to remember a terrible quote about domestic violence?!

Batman walks out of the misty night and stumbles on some mobsters bootlegging. They immediately begin firing bullets out of their tommy guns at an alarming rate. You can tell because while most guns go "POW!" or "BANG!", tommy guns go "BRRRAT!" Even Batman finds it terrifying!

How come fans got so angry at Kevin Smith when he made it canon that Batman pissed himself when Denny O'Neil made it canon that Batman shit himself? "BRRRAT!"

The FBI shows up and in the confusion, the Mobsters steal Batman's duffel bag. Batman's desperate to get it back because it probably contains a much needed change of underwear. As well as Jason Todd's corpse, of course.

Batman steals one of the FBI Agent's cars and gives chase to the escaping mobsters. They lead him on a chase directly to the location where they're delivering the illegal hooch. I think in the '20s, if you got the items you were smuggling to your home base, the cops had to stop pursuing you, snap their fingers in disappointment, and say, "Shucks! We'll get 'em next time!" Too bad Batman isn't from the '20s! He crashes his car into the bar and does his chronologically first crashing through the skylight.

Excuse me. I do not think that's true, Batman!

I'm pretty sure the modern equivalent of a speakeasy is just a fucking bar!

See in that panel where Batman notices the trucks are unloaded? Those trucks arrived in the middle of a high-speed chase with loads of gunfire! That's why I made up the thing where I equated playing tag or hide-n-seek to smuggling liquor. Why else would they be so confident to stop running and shooting and casually get out of the truck and unload the booze?

Once again, Batman doesn't kill anybody. He even goes so far in the other direction that The Master must be stroking his beard and raising his eyebrows and thinking, "I've never seen anybody like him!" Because a fire breaks out as Batman gets his duffel bag back and instead of leaving an unconscious gangster to roast, he tries to save him. It doesn't work because the floor collapses sending them into an underground river and the gangster drowns but, you know, in a test like this, it's mostly about Batman's intentions and less about how successful he is.

Look, he did everything he could. Now it's up to the unconscious man to save himself from drowning.

Falling in a river and resurfacing acts exactly like walking through a door so now Batman's in the world of James Blackburn and Michael Golden. I've never heard of either of those artists! I've heard of John Blackburn but not...I mean, no, wait. I've never heard of him either! Not knowing Michael Golden is just ignorance on my part. I've seen, at the very least, his Man-bat profile in Who's Who (the binder version)!

Is that the right-way round?

Batman finds himself in a snowy landscape. He decides, after so many tests, the best thing to do is take a nap in the snow. Sure, he's also soaking wet from the plunge in the river. But he built a fire! And his suit probably has electric blanket technology sewn into it.

Before he can freeze to death in his sleep, Batman's awakened by the butt of a rifle in his back and being called a pig in German.

Has anybody actually shit the same pair of trousers twice?

Uh-oh. This is Batman's real test! It's like that time Mulder found himself on a ghost ship full of ghost Nazis and he wanted nothing more than to kill every single one of them because they were the perfect symbol for everything he stood against. Meanwhile Scully was all, "There's no such thing as a ghost! Where is everybody? How come I don't get to participate in this story?!" What I'm trying to say is if there's something that Batman feels he can reasonably kill without feeling like he's actually killed anything, it's an undead Nazi. But The Master might not agree with that technicality!

Batman, having dealt with zombies probably at least forty or fifty times in his career, realizes fleeing is his best option. Besides, this test isn't "Stop undead fascism". This test is "Can you live by violence without letting it corrupt you into killing your enemies"? Up until now, Batman's had an easy time of it. Does he kill a demon begging for it? No, you never help a demon! Does he kill a dragon? No way! He's just doing his dragon thing being a dragon! Do you kill a pathetic alien loser? Why waste your time? Do you simply let a mobster burn to death even though none of it is really your fault? No but you probably shouldn't have let him drown either! So The Master is all, "I need to make this test hard! What or who can I throw in front of Batman to really tempt him into murder?!"

Uh-oh. Now I want him to fail! I don't want to think about what it says about Batman if he passes after this test!

Dennis O'Neil has written the only story that matters! How far will Batman go to preserve his rule about not killing somebody? How much evil will he allow to remain in the world just so he can look Superman in the eye and say, "Well, I've never killed anybody" (and then mutter, "Technically.")? Because as we saw in The Poison Tomorrow, Batman has the capacity to think about "If somebody raises some thing or person or ideal above everything else (Green Arrow needing to save Dinah (or Batman needing to never have killed!)), then how many will die (thousands of babies (or, in Batman's case, everybody The Joker murders after every time Batman doesn't kill him))?" Surely Batman isn't responsible for every murder The Joker commits when Batman catches him but doesn't kill him. Because Batman is just following Jesus's words and ideals about redemption. And also Gandalf's!

Batman decides his only way to escape this army of undead Nazi's is to use Hitler as a hostage. As he chases the tank with Hitler in it, it crashes backwards through an old bridge. He has his chance! Does he save Hitler? Or does he let him fall?

So Hitler was a metaphor for an even worse evil? The Joker?! That's backwards, right?

Batman realizes that the voice that's been mocking him all along was The Joker. And the head wound he kept receiving in every "fantasy" was an actual head wound he received from The Joker throwing a rock at his head. Yes, the burden he was pulling along all this time, the burden the voice kept trying to get him to leave, was The Joker. Batman was hallucinating from a fever brought on by the cold and the head wound.

Batman's grand philosophical response to this debate is "Shut up." Everybody online could learn a thing or two from Batman.

At one point, The Joker learns that Batman hallucinated that The Joker was Adolf Hitler and The Joker is all, "I'm flattered!" Which is the appropriate response by The Joker because having The Joker be all anti-Nazi and constantly trying to prove it with that bit where he's insulted by The Red Skull's Nazi affectations is stupid, useless bullshit. He's fucking crazy. He's a murderous madman. Proving that even he hates Nazis doesn't mean shit. "Oh, wow! Even The Joker hates Nazis! Well, let's applaud The Joker for having one rational belief although none of his beliefs are rational so why are you relying on this one being so?!" This, for me, is The Joker's canon response to Nazism and Adolf Hitler! He's pleased as punch to be anywhere in Hitler's league! That says more about how shit Hitler and the Nazis are than having The Joker somehow defend hating them!

Apparently Batman and The Joker were in a plane crash and Batman is dragging The Joker to an army medical station. On the final page, Batman answers the question as to why he won't kill The Joker and it's all the standard bullshit that I can't buy into. "Oh, I'd be no better than you!" "Oh, I believe all life is sacred even the life of a person who keeps taking lives over and over again and promises to keep doing it." "Oh, I just don't want to give you the satisfaction of seeing me fail my test." Maybe those answers are satisfying to some people on some level. But I still think the only real reason to keep somebody like The Joker alive is practically religious. It's utterly Christian. And it's the thing I said earlier about Christ's words on redemption. But, as I also mentioned, it's more because of what I learned from Gandalf. We don't have the right to bring back those who have died even if they deserve to be alive, why do we think we have the right to take the life of those we think should be dead? Of course, Gandalf's early words to Frodo are given the strength of an author writing like 900 more pages to prove Gandalf right when Gollum, who everybody wanted to kill, accidentally saves the world when Frodo loses the strength to do so. I guess real life isn't that cleanly written and perhaps there are some people who a real life Batman should kill. Or maybe we should develop techniques to convince evil people to kill themselves! That shouldn't be too hard, right? Maybe some Christian Rock band can learn how to backwards mask some hypnotic shit like that!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #1 Rating: A-. I know I don't rate annuals. But guess what? I'm tired of ending every annual explaining to readers why I didn't rate the stupid fucking annual! And since my ratings on every other comic book don't actually mean shit (seriously. Try to make sense of them! It'll drive you mad!), why not just rate these fuckers too? This issue might have gotten an A+ if that last page where Batman explains himself to The Joker was left out. He should have just left his response as "Shut up." This is the problem with Batman and the Internet! People always feel they need to explain their positions to other people who don't actually give a shit about your position or your explanation. They're just the fucking Joker trying to rile up your shit. Even "Shut up" is too much. You do know just about every site (except the Nazi site now, I guess?) has a well-executed Block function! Use it, guys! Use it for everything! Man, I block people who haven't even engaged with me who just slightly irritate me! Sometimes I'm just in a mood and I don't want to see a screenshot on Bluesky from Twitter and I'll be, "Get the fuck out of here, BronyFucker2003!" And that'll be after really enjoying some of BronyFucker2003's anthropomorphic animal sex sketches!

Cosmic OdysseyBook Four: Death (March 1989)

Up until this point, Doctor Fate's identity had not been revealed. Hope Starlin didn't have a big reveal planned this issue spoiled by the cover.

This issue begins with a dramatic countdown to the complete destruction of Earth. When the timer drops to zero and the world doesn't blow up, the Apokoloptian Dog Soldier and Gotham Policeman Joe Bester (both dead and both, I guess possessed by the Anti-Life Entity? No wait! The Dog Soldier must still be alive to protect Batman's Zero Kill Record) look at each other in confusion before Batman steps out of the shadows holding the unplugged cord from the bomb. Classic prank, Batman!

Batman left that dude a walking glory hole.

After saving the world yet again, Batman shoves a two ton piece of equipment onto the Dog Soldier. This pins him down because getting out from under two tons of steel is much harder than toppling two tons of steel, especially when it's shaped like a Jenga tower and Batman is the pusher of the two tons (with help from Forager who is probably pretty fucking strong himself). After that, they battle zombie cop Joe Bester. Batman seems to think going toe-to-toe with a character named "Bester" is a good idea. But it isn't a good idea because characters in fiction often have names that represent their personalities or physical attributes. Like how Batman is a man who dresses like a bat. And Forager is a Bug God that forages for New God scraps to keep his Bug Brothers alive. And Jack Tripper always trips over everything. And how Cheers' Sam Malone is a man who is alone. And James Incandenza from Infinite Jest works with optics and light and illuminates the thing that everybody can't live without, so much so that he probably destroys the world! What I'm saying is you can't defeat a fictional man named Bester! Only somebody named Bestest could defeat Bester but no writer is going to be so obvious as to name somebody Bestest!

Anyway Forager chops his head off or something.

Batman doesn't scold Forager about killing because Joe Bester was already dead and also why would Batman scold an alien about Earth hang-ups? Batman's way cooler than that uptight, Kryptonite-stick up his ass Superman.

Also it turns out Joe Bester was a robot. Um, what? Why? How? What the fuck? Did Editorial force that change? Batman already witnessed that Joe Bester was dead way back in Book One. Then Joe Bester's body disappeared along with the Dog Soldier's body. So why would it be a robot? Unless Jim Gordon is hiding some secret Gotham Robo-Police program!

After beheading the robot, Batman and Forager discover that Dog Soldiers actually don't have too much of a problem lifting two tons of machinery off of their prone bodies, especially when they're possessed by an Anti-Life Entity! The creature begins its renewed attack by knocking Forager unconscious. That means it's up to Batman to re-save the Earth that he didn't really just save a page or two back. But that's okay, right? Batman's like the greatest hero in the DC Universe! He can handle this thing!

Oh no! I think Batman comparing himself to a baby is like worst case scenario.

I was pretending to be confident about Batman's abilities because the truth is I already saw the back cover which shows Batman getting the life snuffed out of him by this creature.

The back covers of this series were probably the biggest reason I bought each issue. So clean!

So Batman blacks out or is killed or, I don't know, the scene changes as Batman Narration Boxes his death pretty matter-of-factly. It's how everybody always knew he would die minus his final cry of "Mom! Dad! I'm coming to join you!"

Meanwhile, Darkseid tries to absorb the power of Bob the Anti-Life Entity and discovers that he's not capable of doing that nor is he able to escape the Anti-Life dimension.

If this were a PG-13 movie, this the moment the one F-bomb allowed would be dropped.

So far, Bob the Anti-Life Entity hasn't really done much of anything. We only have Metron's paranoid memories as evidence that Bob even sent four of his fingertips into the DC Universe to destroy it. How do we know this large shadowy figure that hasn't moved one inch the whole time people have observed him wants to take over the non-anti-matter universe? He seems pretty chill to me.

Back on New Genesis, the heroes have discovered that Highfather, Darkseid, and Jason Blood are all missing. Their only clue as to why they are all missing is "Darkseid is an evil monster", but that doesn't really suggest any actions for them to take. So instead, they stand around saying, "John Stewart looks like he's going to kill himself." And Martian Manhunter is all, "Yeah, he's probably going to kill himself." Then they watch him walk off to, I guess, go kill himself?

Normally I might be upset seeing somebody on the verge of suicide but I just finished the final season of Squid Games and suicide has been normalized for me. Also maybe it's heroic?

I also just finished reading Infinite Jest in which suicide plays a major plot point (and also it's the book that a friend of mine who ultimately killed himself kept trying to finish for years) and I am reading Hamlet in which the title character is constantly saying shit like, "I'd kill myself but God has some kind of law against self-slaughter." So if John Stewart did kill himself, which he won't because he struggles with this Xanshi shit for years, it won't even register on my emotional EKG (which is currently just flatlined anyway. Thanks, fascist GOP and cowardly Dems!).

Batman was apparently exaggerating his death when he was all, "You hear that, Martha! I'm coming to join you!", because he's still conscious when his scene continues. Unbelievably, Batman is saved by Forager. I can't believe Forager was Jim Starlin's first choice for Batman's partner in this series. I can't even imagine he knew who the fuck Forager was! Forager saves Batman's life twice with his shield so I'm pretty sure Starlin turned in the script to DC and they sent back a note saying, "Hey, um, Jim? Re-read this note when you're not tripping balls, please? But, um, Captain America is a Marvel hero?" And Jim was all, "Well, I'm not changing the script. Who else has a shield?" And they were all, "The Guardian?" And Jim was all, "No, fuck that shit. Just give me some other random Fourth World character and give him a shield. That'll work. Also, is it okay if I have John Stewart hang himself with his power ring? Is that possible? Would the light construct noose disappear as soon as he passed out so he wouldn't die? Would the ring allow the wearer to kill themselves? Is suicide something DC wants to tackle in this big cosmic adventure? Can anybody on staff get me some 'shrooms from the West Coast?"

I should point out that I don't know that Jim Starlin was into psychedelics. But I also don't know that he wasn't so . . . ?

Forager goes down pretty quickly but he did his job; he saved Batman's life. So Batman rallies the troops and thinks, "Suicide is the only option!"

I understand giving your life to stop the end of the universe isn't technically suicide but I'm kind of stuck in a theme here.

Meanwhile in the Anti-Life Universe, Darkseid and Etrigan are about to become Anti-Life explosions when Doctor Fate suddenly appears and hauls them away from Bob the Anti-Life Entity. It feels like Darkseid's making a huge mistake hunting for the Anti-Life Equation when he should maybe just learn magic? Darkseid's willing enough to use magic in the pursuit of the most powerful scientific formula in the known universe because magic is more powerful than it. But he isn't willing to just use magic? What's his problem with magic? I suppose he doesn't like the often touted downside of magic where the user must sacrifice something for the powers they're given. But that doesn't seem any worse than what the fucking Anti-Life Equation asks for! The death of entire galaxies for ultimate power? Oh wait! I see. Darkseid's like a Conservative! He's not willing to sacrifice anything himself for gain; he's only willing to force others to sacrifice for his gain. What's one or two exploded universes in the grand scheme of things? Whereas if Darkseid were to start Constantining things up, he'd be losing personal shit right and left.

Doctor Fate isn't as good at rhyming as Etrigan. "Batman" and "Villain". "Quest" and "Left". Or maybe, some would suggest, he's better? Are half-rhymes more literary?

Alexander Pope would have preferred Doctor Fate's half-rhymes over Etrigan's basic bullshit rhymes, if I read The Dunciad correctly. Which I think I did and am not happy about. I can't quite put my finger on why but I fucking hated reading Pope. He felt like a smug asshole that didn't really have anything interesting to say. Maybe I was too dumb? Or too smug asshole myself?!

To rescue everybody from the Anti-Life Universe, Doctor Fate casts the spell "Cinque of Cosmic Power"! It takes the unique elemental source of power each of the five characters are linked to and gives them the power to return home. Although when he explains everybody's unique power, he sort of rushes past the whole "Highfather connects us to The Source, and, um, so does Orion!"

But to keep the Anti-Life Entity from following them and destroying their universe, Doctor Fate must destroy a universe between the Anti-Life Universe and the DC Universe. So, um, uh, wait. What? Doctor Fate just casually does to another what they're trying to prevent the Anti-Life Entity from doing to them? That's, um, fucking harsh, man. You're probably thinking, "Surely, he chose a barren universe that amounted to nothing that lay between the DC Universe and the Anti-Life Universe?" And I would answer, "Don't call me Shirley." Also I would point out this bit of narration as Fate destroys the universe:

At least Doctor Fate points out he'll have some long and sleepless nights dealing with this act of possible (probable?) universal genocide.

Doctor Fate successfully strands the Anti-Life Entity in a prison of its own dimension. It's basically the plan Darkseid pretended he was going to enact with Etrigan but he was actually going to steal its power for himself. And thus ends the threat of Bob the Anti-Life Entity destroying the DC Universe!

Of course, there's still the matter of the Milky Way being completely destroyed if Batman and Forager don't stop their Anti-Life Entity! Its Doomsday Bomb might not allow Bob to enter the universe now but it will still destroy the entire Milky Way! The heroes on New Genesis are eager to rush off to help Batman when Superman points out that Earth is pretty big and there's no way anybody would be able to find them in time unless that person had, I don't know, Super Hearing or X-Ray vision or knew somebody who could run at the speed of light and search the entire planet? Too bad none of those things are possible and they're just going to have to leave it up to Batman! Which, on most days, I'd be all, "Whew! No problem then! Batman's got it covered!" But this day isn't like most days.

Good job, Batman! You almost had him!

That might be three of my most favorite panels ever!

Meanwhile, everybody has forgotten about John Stewart and assume he's already dead. But maybe he's not! Maybe he'll use his ring to locate Batman and help save the day! Maybe that, at least, will help mitigate his guilt! Oh, and maybe he'll take Doctor Fate along since Fate's also feeling a bit guilty for probably killing one billion more times as many sentient beings as Stewart did.

In the end, Batman and Forager have to do it all themselves. Forager manages to get back on his feet and battle the Dog Soldier while Batman lies on the ground yelling at Forager to smash the Doomsday Bomb! So they essentially beat it together when Forager finally smashes his shield into the bomb, causing a much, much smaller explosion than anticipated. But still big enough to incapacitate the Dog Soldier and possibly kill Forager. Batman calls New Genesis to tell them the mission is a success and maybe send Green Lantern down to help clean up the mess? He'll start picking up the yellow debris.

Once the universe has been saved, J'onn finally decides to hunt down John Stewart and make sure he's okay. I mean, to make sure he's killed himself.

Jesus Christ, J'onn!

Obviously J'onn is a telepath so he knows exactly what John Stewart needs to hear to get him over the hump of this disaster and to start acting like a hero again. After John tells J'onn to fuck off and stomps away, J'onn just smiles the way I imagine anybody would smile if they knew telling somebody to go kill yourself was exactly the thing the person needed to hear to make them feel better.

In the epilogue, Orion calls the now dead Forager "Bug" in front of Batman and Batman punches him in the face. So Superman and Batman both got to beat up on Orion a little bit and Orion just takes it for some reason instead of blasting Batman's head off. And then the comic book ends with the lesson it was trying to teach us all along!

Who went back in time to Pre-Woke 1989 to make this comic book woke?!

That was a joke about how comic books have always been about social justice and only stupid fucking assholes who think comic books are about punching people and stopping them from breaking laws that they themselves would never break. You can't feel judged if a hero stops a bank robbery when you haven't made bank robbery a huge part of your personality. But if a comic book hero says to the villain, "You're an intolerant asshole," some people suddenly feel judged for some reason!

Cosmic Odyssey: Book Four: Death Rating: B+. It loses a grade due to Doctor Fate basically doing what they were stopping the Anti-Life Entity from doing. It was somehow okay because it was either that universe of Doctor Fate's universe and Doctor Fate was all, "Nobody spends money buying comic books from that universe! It's okay to destroy that one!" I guess. I don't know. Anyway, don't call people slurs, guys!

Cosmic OdysseyBook Three: Decisions (February 1989)

Every cat owner recognizes this picture.

The titles of these four books sketch out the proper way to organize a story.

1. Discovery: the characters determine what they want and set out how to get it. This could be a dilemma which was thrust upon them (Hamlet) or the realization of a desire they had yet to act upon (Macbeth).
2. Disaster: the act of pursuing their desire or trying to solve the dilemma presented to them falls apart in a huge way, dominoes begin to fall, dangers appear from all corners, and futures look bleak.
3. Decisions: the characters must now make new plans to deal with the dangers they created in their earlier pursuits. Alternately, they can continue to wade through the blood getting equally bloody going forward as back.
4. Death: everybody dies except Horatio because the writer couldn't think of a better way to solve all of their tangled plot problems.

Every book you've ever read follows Starlin's "Four Easy Steps to Story", especially Cujo (I think the mother was Horatio in that. I don't remember. It's been like (ulp) 40 years since I first read it).

The issue begins with Lightray and Starfire sitting around the Doomsday Bomb tending to an unconscious Adam Strange. Then they respond to each other continually by beginning their statements with "then". Then Starfire even responds to one of her one statements with a "then" statement which makes it sound as if she's disassociating.

Improv on New Genesis and Tamaran took an evolutionary turn into "Yes, then...".

Lightray was told by Highfather that Martian Manhunter and John Stewart failed to save Xanshi. But nobody told him why they failed to save Xanshi: because John arrogantly chose to hunt it down on his own. If only that information had been passed on to the other teams to help them. Oh well, I'm sure Lightray will approach the task in a more humble manner than John Stewart did.

Oh shit. Rann is fucked.

After Lightray leaves, Starfire notices a trail of snot leaking across the floor. They both missed the snot dripping from the grate in the dead end where Adam Strange was attacked earlier so Starfire just assumes it's some innocent Rannian byproduct of their industrialization process that somebody forgot to mop up. But it's really the Anti-Life Entity! Is it its true form? Or did it inhabit a Rannian Slug? Starfire's too concerned with the trail before her and not where the trail goes, so she misses that one end of it forms a slimy hand to pick up a heavy piece of equipment and smash it over the back of her head.

While checking out the snot, Starfire pops a hot squat. Starlin's script probably read, "Investigating, Starfire squats in a way that you can practically see everything! Don't let the colorist shadow out her camel-toe!"

Stupid colorist.

Then the scene ends with Starfire getting kathugkked in the back of the head. Whether it knocks her out or just makes her stand up, turn around, and stare angrily at a confused pseudopod remains to be seen.

On Thanagar, Superman and Orion have located the Anti-Life Entity. It (and presumably its Doomsday Bomb) are barricaded in a city surrounded by hawk cops. Orion just wants to murderhobo his way in but Superman is all, "I've got a better and more ridiculous idea! I'll spin super fast and become a Kryptonian drill! I'll drill through the bedrock and pop up right inside the Anti-Life Entity's lair! You distract them by murdering as many of them as you can!" Superman doesn't actually request that Orion murder the hawk cops but he does ask Orion to distract them which means Orion's going to murder them. Superman really is kind of naïve and will eventually blame the murders on Orion when he should blame himself for not being clear enough in his directions.

Superman should have invested in an Apokoliptian Dictionary of Urban Slang to learn "Diversion Routine" means "Spree Killing".

I was going to say a New Genesis Dictionary of Urban Slang but that one would define "Diversion Routine" as "Unexpected Hugs and Kisses". Besides, you know Orion longs to live an Apokoliptian Gangster Life. Can you imagine how big a puss Orion must think Scott Free is? What a waste of a diploma from Granny Goodness's School of Being Mean. Was that the name of her school? Probably close enough.

Then back on Rann because nothing exciting is happening on Earth yet, Lightray, using his Magna-vision, follows the trail of the Anti-Life Entity back to the chamber with the Doomsday Bomb, Adam, and Starfire (or "Cory", as he calls her). Then it surprises him by WA-THAAAAAAAMing a large piece of electronic equipment into his back causing him to drop his Ghostbuster Anti-Life Entity Trap. Then it drops some heavy machinery on the Trap, destroying it. Then Lightray finally gets a glimpse of what he's up against.

It's either the Anti-Life Penis or a massive, sentient buttplug.

Unluckily for Superman, his Anti-Life Entity cloaked itself in an Nth Metal Robot about thirty feet tall. "Unlucky is used here not to mean Superman might have some trouble battling this robot but unlucky that Superman doesn't get to fight a penis or buttplug.

The layout for the subsequent battles on both planets is pretty cool. The Superman/robot fight takes place in one long panel in the top third of each page as the Lightray/Anti-Life Penis fight take place in the bottom two-thirds. That's probably because Superman's fight will be Superman getting hit once each page until Superman finally does the mental arithmetic on how hard he needs to punch the robot to destroy it without sending shrapnel in every direction and killing multiple bystanders outside the building. Meanwhile Lightray isn't as good at shooting light blasts as he bragged so he misses every shot against the Rannian Snot Monster. It eventually knocks him unconscious and turns on the Doomsday Bomb. Luckily for the entire universe, it chose to have a two minute countdown instead of blowing up instantly. Maybe it takes that long to prime a Doomsday Bomb. How would I know? I never took Shop Class in high school.

Then Starfire regains consciousness as Lightray loses his. That's why Darkseid chose teams of two, stupid John Stewart! Too bad Starfire also can't hit it with her starbolts like she totally intended to do. Unless she's hitting it with the ol' loop-de-loop shot! Probably dismantling the Doomsday Bomb while it thinks she's trying to shoot it!

KAARAAM is the sound of Starfire's thong snapping and shooting across the room.

On Earth, finally, Batman and Forager have made their way to Moosejaw, Arizona. But they arrive in the middle of the day so now they have to wait for night because Forager changed his entire look for night-fighting. Okay, not his entire look. I think Alfred just spray-painted black over the white fabric. I think the main reason they arrive early is so Batman can explain how he didn't actually killed the Dog Soldier at all and if he had, it would have been an accident. But according to Batman's Rule of Being Blamed for Killing Somebody, a creature mortally wounded by Batman doesn't count as Batman killing them if Batman can skedaddle away from the victim fast enough.

"Even if I had killed him, it was his fault for having such a powerful gun. But I didn't because he was breathing. Plus he's now possessed by the Anti-Life Entity so blame it if he dies for good."

Editorial must have gotten hold of Starlin at DC's Offices and were all, "Even though the victim was an alien from Apokolips, you have to fix that bit where Batman uses a gun and obviously kills it. We let you destroy John Stewart's reputation; we can't let you destroy Batman's as well!" So Starlin was all, "Whatever. I'll have Batman mention how he blew a hole in it because that's how Mignola drew it but then say Batman left it breathing even though he later goes back with Gordon and when Gordon asks about the missing body, Batman is all, 'No way, man! I totally killed its ass!'"

Look, I don't know how Batman defines "last word" or "still breathing" but he didn't fucking kill this thing, okay?!

On Thanagar, Superman easily dispatches the Anti-Life Aspect and catches it in his Ghostbuster Gun. He's Superman, you know? His battles should never be hard fought when he's like the strongest person in the universe. His real battles should be intellectual or social or having to deal with the repercussions of a god on a hawk cop murder spree. Superman reports his success back to Highfather on New Genesis and the scene ends as he heads topside to collect Orion for the journey home. That's when the real conflict will take place!

Back on New Genesis, even though Plan A seems to have a reasonable chance of success, Darkseid continues to push Plan B where he takes The Demon into the Anti-Life Entity's realm and destroys it, taking its power into him so that he can conquer the universe. Not that Highfather knows that's his plan! But the reader gets to learn that's Darkseid's plan even if the reader already knew Darkseid was up to something because he's Darkseid and I guess the readers are smarter than Highfather and the others who have chose to take Darkseid at his word. I'm not including Batman in "the others" because Batman's first move was to send somebody to spy on Darkseid. Who that was, we still haven't learned!

He's so fucking chuffed with himself.

Highfather goes off to contemplate falling into Darkseid's trap when he stumbles upon the person Batman sent to spy on Darkseid. He almost mentions his name but then the mystery person interrupts with "a friend of Batman's" and all we get is a yellow-gloved hand. So it's Doctor Fate as depicted on the cover of Book Four: Doctor Fate. Doctor Fate explains that Darkseid is indeed setting up a trap to gain all the power in the universe and Hell which means they have to go along with the plan. Highfather is all, "Whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut?" But Doctor Fate doesn't explain any further. I guess since he announced he's a friend of Batman, Highfather has to believe him.

Back on Rann, Starfire has been knocked out so it's Lightray's turn to tag in. Plus Starfire's "It's so fast it can dodge my bolts but then I expected that anyway" doesn't seem to have meant anything. She's currently been captured by the Anti-Life Entity and gripped in such a way that I still don't know if it's an Anti-Life Penis or a Sentient Buttplug.

The problem is too many things have a defining characteristic of "Can be put up the butt."

From now on my first question in "20 Questions" will be "Can you put it up your butt?" My second question, on a yes answer, will be, "Can I see?" And that, kids, is how I met your mother.

As the previous panel shows, Rann only has ten seconds left before it explodes and dooms the Milky Way and probably the entire universe. Superman has saved Thanagar. Batman will save Earth. So this moment is where all the tension remains! Will Rann, a popular planet in DC lore, be destroyed? And if so, can Darkseid and his pet cat Etrigan save the day anyway?! I don't know. Let's see how Superman reacts to Orion doing some casual hawk cop genocide.

Whoops!

I understand it's not like Superman asked Lobo to distract the hawk cops while Superman saved the planet but Superman had seen Orion in action previously. Will Superman learn his lesson about the fluidity of language, especially between other alien cultures? Probably not. He's probably just going to call Orion a cold-blooded murderer. I could scan the panel where he eventually calls him that and then proclaim I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader but, in actuality, that's the panel on the back cover of this issue.

My guess is that only one of these two characters has read Slaughterhouse-Five

After being punched in the face, Orion simply picks himself up and heads back to New Genesis. Superman stays behind to bury the dead. And presumably explain to the living how he didn't have a part of this and he was saving the entire universe and the guy who helped save the universe did way more damage than the Anti-Life Entity. That'll be fun.

Starfire's thought that the Anti-Life Entity was too fast for her to shoot was actually her coming up with a new plan: get captured by it so she could ignite it with her flame trail as she flies out of its clutches. Earlier, she noticed it smelled like gasoline so she assumed it would explode if she ignited it. She also assumed it would blow up the Doomsday Bomb and not cause the Doomsday Bomb to explode. She also believes that she leaves a flame trail behind her and not a hair trail. Maybe her hair just has so much product in it that it spontaneously combusts when it comes into contact with gasoline?

Back on New Genesis, Darkseid and Etrigan shift realities to face off against Bob the Anti-Life Entity. Highfather and Orion, too late to stop them, are recruited by Doctor Fate to follow them beyond the pale and stop them from gaining the power of the Anti-Life Equation. Also following everybody through the mystic portal? The Anti-Life Entity from Rann which managed to escape.

Back on Earth, Batman and Forager wait until dark which is almost too long. Just as darkness falls, the Anti-Life Entity sets the two minute primer on the bomb. Earth's fate is sealed!

Cosmic Odyssey: Book Three: Decisions Rating: A. Sometimes DC will put out a Prestige Format book and you wind up reading it and thinking, "Why the fuck was that Prestige Format?" But not this one! Starlin and Mignola have crafted (so far) a (mostly) coherent story with a nicely varied group of DC's heroes. I'm enjoying the art. I'm enjoying the layouts. I'm enjoying the coloring. Am I enjoying the inking? I guess? Maybe? How can you even tell what's Mignola and what's Garzon?! And I'm enjoying the dialogue as well as (gasp) the Narration Boxing! It's a pretty complete package, especially for 1989.

Cosmic OdysseyBook Two: Disaster (January 1989)

How did it take me this long to realize why I've always hated Hawkman? Because he's a fucking cop!

You might read the title of this issue, "Disaster", and think it has something to do with the cover depicting Orion going full ACAB on Thanagar while Superman "stands" around thinking, "Should we be killing this many hawk cops?" (The answer, by the way, is yes.) But the real disaster of the issue is hinted on the back cover where Martian Manhunter pulls out his shame penis and scold pisses all over John Stewart's arrogant face.

I'm glad I never glanced at this back cover while on LSD because holy fuck this is the most intense thing I've ever seen.

So if the disaster is John Stewart getting an entire planet of cannibal aliens blown to shit then we have to surmise that killing hawk cops is good. Don't we? Is that not how logic works? It's hard for me to think logically anymore because I once watched Pig and I cried so hard that I wept some of my brains out of my eyes and nose.

The issue begins with Orion and Superman watching a full fleet of hawk cops flying toward them out of the sunset (or sunrise. It's not like Mike Mignola drew a compass on the page. And even if he did, they're on Thanagar and I don't know if it's rotation got knocked wonky by some random asteroid or planetoid early in its development). It feels like a moment in a Spaghetti Western where the protagonist, whom we, the viewer, understand did nothing wrong in his slaughter of eighteen ranchers who were just the worst people and probably raped and killed the protagonist's horse, stands majestically as a posse of corrupt lawmen ride towards him, the music growing louder and more tense as the stage is set for the final shootout where the protagonist, after putting up the best fight he can, eventually succumbs to a hail of gunfire and the credits roll and the audience is left to stew in a dank miasma of existential despair at the idea that the universe does not prefer actual justice and we can only fight the good fight and be true to ourselves and can never overcome the tipped scales full of corrupt assholes who don't actually give a shit about anything at all. Except this time Superman is one of the silent gunman and we know he can't lose so I'm guessing a lot of hawk cops are going to lose a lot of teeth pretty soon.

Woo eee woo eee wooooo. Bom bom bom.

Orion believes the Anti-Life Entity has taken mental control of the hawk cops even though he admits they're known to be aggressive and "belligerent". The hawk cops attack without any warning so it's hard to know if that's because they've been mind-controlled or because they're just acting like normal cops. It's that The Office meme about both pictures being the same! Superman subdues them, probably by giving them minor traumatic brain injuries that cause them to lose consciousness but doesn't kill them. At least not immediately. Should Superman have to come to terms with how many cases of post-concussion syndrome he's caused and how many villains and henchmen's lives he's ruined in the long term? Probably not because this was written in 1989! Helmet-to-helmet tackles were cheered wildly in those days! Hooray for violent entertainments!

Whatever damage Superman is causing hardly matters though when we see how Orion just doesn't give a fuck about ruining the lives of the hawk cops immediately. Fuck in the long term. Where's the fun of violence that you can't see the horrible results of immediately?!

Hooray for state-sponsored violence getting some of its own in return!

Superman, while not showing the levels of pissitude, gets pissed at Orion and reminds him that these hawk cops are most likely being mind controlled and aren't their real enemies. He asks Orion to moderate his use of force against them. Superman doesn't realize Orion is the son of Darkseid so he can't comprehend how stupid an ask that is. It's like asking Batman to be a team player. It just can't happen (unless, of course, Batman is in complete control of every aspect of the team. Like when he put together The Outsiders. But even that fell apart when he realized how much trouble it was to get them all to do exactly what he asked. Also it was often hurtful when Metamorpho made dumb jokes about him. Good thing the mask could hide his tears).

This is Orion's response to Superman's suggestion to moderate the violence. An uncomprehending, silent stare.

At the same time, J'onn J'onzz and John Stewart explore Xanshi. They discover the population beset by an airborne disease that attacks the blood and the respiratory system. AT THE SAME TIME! Since John categorized these aliens as cannibals earlier, this must be some kind of Mad Cow Disease. Except airborne because maybe it comes out in cow farts. It looks like the Anti-Life Entity has a sense of humor, using the native populations' inherent attributes against them. Or I could be reaching. But you never discover anything if you don't reach and simply take everything, plots to comics included, at face value! Do you think we would have ever discovered time travel if we, as a species, hadn't kept reaching and listened to the boring bores who said it wasn't possible? I mean, that'll probably happen, I bet. Yeah.

J'onn's initial reaction to the disease ravaging everybody on the planet is, "Well, it sucks to be them! Let's find the Anti-Life Creature!" But John takes a moment to help create a cure for the disease by using his magic ring that can do anything with the correct prompt. Or at least that's what The Guardians have told him. John doesn't put the cure through any kind of trials. He just tells some guy to drink it up and then use his blood for transfusions on everybody else on the planet. Or maybe one other person and then they can both do transfusions on two other people and then those four can do transfusions on four other people and well you get it, right? Doubling rice on each square on the chessboard and all that.

J'onn marvels at the power of the Green Lantern ring and John is all, "Yeah, no big deal, I fuckin' save lives all by myself all the time. I'm sure I'll save more lives all by myself a few more times before this is all over." Just like the aggressive cops on Thanagar, I'm not sure the disease was the fault of the Anti-Life Entity at all! That's because John Stewart discovers that the Anti-Life Entity has tapped into the power of the planet through their power grid. I think the disease really was just a coincidence and the cow farts got there first.

Wow! Seems like John definitely has everything under control. I'm not even certain why J'onzz was sent with him! Embarrassing, really.

On Earth, Batman and Forager stand around discussing Orion's bigotry and The Forager's costume's lame color combination. The Forager wonders why they don't get to work looking for the Anti-Life Entity and Batman is all, "We are working on it! I turned on my Batcomputer. It'll figure it out!" Boy, these heroes really do depend on their gadgets and gizmos. It doesn't take long for Batman to figure out how the Anti-Life Entity will attack Earth based on the data the other teams have reported back.

I disagree, Batman. 1989? My guess is it's taking over Daytime Talk Shows or MTv.

Lightray and Starfire discover that the residents of Rann have developed Non-Space Space Madness. Everybody is involved in killing everybody else or themselves. I don't know enough about Rann to understand why they'd be open to this kind of attack by the Anti-Life Entity. Are they overly arrogant and trying to prove their individual greatness to each other? Are they so science-minded that the only way to prove who is best is by running a bunch of murder experiments? Will Adam Strange be affected since he's an Earthling and not a Rannling. Rannian? Rannlander?

Was this supposed to be shocking because I was merely tickled by it? Yes, I tittered. I think I really enjoyed the tiny little Moritat-esque figures.

The duo find Adam Strange having tied up Alanna and her father to keep them from killing everything. His alien nature has made him immune to the Non-Space Space Madness. After Lightray and Starfire explain what's happening, Adam Strange believes he knows the way the Anti-Life Entity will attack Rann: through its automated factories! That means the four technologies dooming the planets and the galaxy itself are Military Weaponry, Weather Control Systems, Computers, and Automated Manufacturing. Has this become a Cautionary Tale? Being that Jim Starlin wrote this, I'm surprised each planet isn't just being threatened by a Warworld.

This is a dire situation, Starfire. Can you please stop stretching seductively at every Earthling in a finned helmet?

On New Genesis, we discover why Jason Blood was dragged along: Etrigan's power will be needed to strengthen the boundary between the Anti-Life Universe and the Pro-Life (Sorry!) Universe. While Darkseid didn't initially know about Bob, the Anti-Life Entity because that information was revealed by Martian Manhunter's telepathic scan, he still somehow knew that he was going to need the power of Hell to keep the universe from being destroyed. Sounds fishy to me! I think Darkseid just wants the power of Hell for his own devious reasons! But he shows Highfather some calculations and Highfather looks at those calculations and is too embarrassed to admit he sucks at maths and Jason Blood agrees to merge once again with Etrigan since it's the only way to ensure the universe will be saved. See, Bob the Anti-Life Entity is clawing his way into the DC Universe without the help of his four fingertips and only Etrigan's power can stop it. I guess if the Anti-Life Fingertips succeed, it'll just destroy the universe faster. Or, as I said, Darkseid's a lying liar and manipulating Jason Blood so that Darkseid can have a personal pet demon.

Quick check-in on Thanagar:

I guess Superman knows how to disable the wings of the hawk cops so that they crash to the ground in slow, looping, safe spirals.

Superman knows a job needs to be done and he does it even though he knows he's going to have to give Orion a super scolding at the end of it and explain how disappointed he is that Orion killed so many innocent people. I'm sure Orion will consider Superman's words in a rational and logical manner.

On Xanshi, we learn the Anti-Life Entity seems to have figured out that the real threat to its plans aren't the heroes themselves but the Ghostbusters-style Anti-Life Trap given to them by Highfather. Of course we garner this information from speculation by J'onn rather than actual facts. But then again, I've learned that you should just trust the speculation and gut instincts of heroes in comic books because without their spot-on observations, writers would have to add a lot of boring pages to their comic books to show what took just one or two speech bubbles to tell. So when the Anti-Life Entity Controlled Weather Station's lightning bolt smashes into J'onn, it barely fazes him but does destroy the Ghostbuster trap. Oh no! Now how will they defeat the Anti-Life's Fingertip?!

At this time, John Stewart was really well read, practically a philosopher. But I guess part of knowing that "Pride cometh before a fall" is that the pride doesn't let you remember that saying.

Martian Manhunter and a Green Lantern, on paper, looks like one of the most powerful team-ups somebody could put together in the DC Universe. But I'm pretty sure all it would take to defeat these two is a flamethrower and a can of gold spray paint. Or would that be my pride speaking before my downfall? The ring would be all, "You don't think I can tell the difference between yellow and gold, you stupid motherfucker?!", before it put a green ice pick through the thin layer of gold paint on my head and the barely thicker layer of skull right into my brain.

Batman and Forager continue to save the Earth by not leaving the Batcave. Sure, Batman's doing the research. But the real reason they're spending such a long time in the dank cave is that Batman refuses to be seen in public with Forager until Alfred sews him a new outfit. It's weird that Batman's main complaint with Forager's outfit is that it's red and white and too noticeable in the dark. But he's telling him this Jason Todd's bright red and green costume in a memorial case just over his shoulder.

I would have scanned that but that panel doesn't actually exist. That was just me making connections and speculating as to how to make Batman look like an unthinking moronic jerk with control issues.

Batman discovers the Anti-Life Entity seems to be working out of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. Um, no, wait. Moosejaw, Arizona! Because you know how Arizona is known for its meese! Anyway, that's where they're headed! Doesn't Batman feel stupid now because Forager's red and white outfit would look great in Arizona! Maybe throw on some turquoise highlights! He could become their State Hero!

Oh, Batman also learns that a bunch of parts for a Doomsday Bomb were to be delivered to Joe Bester, the dead cop whose body disappeared! Lucky for Batman, if he has to kill to stop this bomb, killing a man who is already dead doesn't count as killing!

Back on Rann, Adam Strange leads Starfire and Lightray on a really fucking suspicious trail.

This is all too easy and weird.

Adam Strange leads them into some simplistic pulp sci-fi narrative with all the clichés. "Too normal." The parts were "shipped" to the basement of the same facility they were manufactured in. Like, um, what? And they're in "Vault #666"! This whole story couldn't be fishier if Aquaman were on the case.

The trio find a Doomsday Bomb in Vault #666 that could blow Rann out of orbit and into the sun leading to the destabilization of the Milky Way! It's not currently armed so Lightray is all, "Let's not dismantle it!" Everybody agrees and they go in search of the Anti-Life Entity. But it finds them first, beats the shit out of Adam Strange, and then disappears into a wall grate. Or maybe it was possessing Adam Strange and forced him to make up all that bullshit earlier and then left his body to find a new victim while Lightray and Starfire scratch their heads confused.

Back on Xanshi, the heart of this issue takes place. Seventeen pages with no interruption to tell the tale of the downfall of John Stewart. I don't know if, before this, John Stewart was portrayed as arrogant and proud. If so then these seventeen pages are heartrending and tragic. But if Starlin just thought to himself, "This highly educated dude just rubs me the wrong way. Thinks he's so smart. I'll show him," then the story is, well, I guess it's still heartrending and tragic because I shouldn't be trying to read the story through the glass of authorial intent, especially when I'm just making up the authorial intent for no good reason. The bad reason that I'm making up things Jim Starlin might have thought is that I'm mad that he didn't throw in a Warworld or two in this series. What good is a Jim Starlin book without Warworld? I was also going to say without a Thanos or Mongul insert but I guess Darkseid's doing that heavy lifting.

What happens is John Stewart, having shown his ring is pretty fucking great over and over again during his journey with J'onn, decides that having to protect J'onn from all the fire hazards is a pain in the ass. So he ditches J'onn in a green bubble with a "So sorry, you suck" and flies off to save the day. He crashes into the weather station ready to defuse the bomb and destroy the Anti-Life Fingertip only to find the Anti-Life Fingertip has been busy painting everything yellow.

Who the fuck is this guy?! He's not even Xanshian!

I totally recognize that guy because he's obviously an insert of some employee at DC so I had to look it up. At first I tried a reverse image search on Mignola's rendering but that turned up nothing. Then I found a Reddit Thread that linked to Comic Book Legends Revealed #279 which casually mentions it was Andy Helfer while discussing whether Stewart was initially meant to be Gardner or not (they conclude: not). It took me a bit to remember why Andy Helfer's image was familiar and where I saw him before and what issue it was because my brain doesn't like to put down its beer and get up from the recliner to go do research in my memory files. But I did remember it was a back-up story in a Justice League comic book where Guy Gardner tries to get a comic book made, maybe of General Glory? I knew it was the back-up story in an issue by somebody whom I always associated more with independent comics than mainstream (for some reason. Possibly because I first knew about him from Alternative Press Expos?): Kyle Baker. So that's that: the person with the paint is Andy Helfer. You can see him in this story drawn by Baker in Justice League #50!

That other guy is so obviously Keith Giffen!

Why was Andy Helfer the guy to screw John Stewart? Did he give the command from up above to fuck Stewart's shit up in this story? Did Mike Mignola do it on a whim? Was Andy Helfer known for painting things yellow around the office? Maybe I shouldn't be so concerned about the guy with the paint brush! Thanks to Batman's revelation about Joe Bester (and possibly the Adam Strange weirdness), we know that the Anti-Life Entity can possess people. It's not really important what skin it's wearing although it is kind of distracting to see that the Anti-Life Entity chose a human looking person to hand paint this massive bomb. And then it didn't even cover up the entire bomb! Couldn't John have used his ring to get at the machinery of the bomb through the screen with the red numbers? Maybe that wasn't actually part of the bomb and just a clock set up to keep track of when the thing was going to blow.

The bomb explodes, incinerating everybody on the planet and turning the core of the planet into anti-matter. This causes a massive explosion which sends the planet, now fully anti-matter, into the heart of its non-anti-matter star. The Milky Way rocks on its, um, whatever keeps it in place, now just one more explosion away from being permeable to Bob the Anti-Life Entity.

Martian Manhunter, having survived with the help of John's ring, finds John so he can shit all over him while he's feeling down. He calls him arrogant. He calls him stupid. He says he can never forgive him. And then he just tells John to shut up before flying off. And just like that, Jim Starlin and Mike Mignola redefined John Stewart for a modern audience. It might be shitty that this defined John for so long but I'd still say it's better than The New 52 redefining John as a Marine more than a philosophical architect.

Back on New Genesis, after receiving word that John Stewart has failed, Darkseid and Highfather rush to get Plan B into action by making Jason Blood and Etrigan hug it out. They merge once again and, although Jason Blood doesn't think so, everything is right again with the universe. If not for this, we would never have had Alan Grant and Val Semeiks' The Demon run!

My boy is back!

Cosmic Odyssey: Book Two: Disaster Rating: A. Maybe this time I'll remember that this was the comic book where John Stewart fucked up and began hating himself, especially since I'll definitely be reading Mosaic at some point in the near future. This comic book continues to be a lot of fun. Not only did it give us this seminal moment in John Stewart's history but it also reunited Jason Blood with Etrigan. I have no idea why they had been split or where that happened but since I didn't remember that I had this book where Stewart fucks up, I'll probably learn sometime in the future that I also own the book where Blood and Etrigan are separated. Or I can look it up online right now and discover it was in a four issue mini-series written by Grendel and Mage writer and artist Matt Wagner. So, um, yeah! I do have that series somewhere!