My Legends of the Dark Knight collection beginning with #28 because Matt Wagner.
I'm absolutely positive that I picked this series up because Matt Wagner did this story in it. But I continued to collect this series because I really loved the conceit. A complete story about Batman told every three to four months. This might be what you expect as well from Batman or Detective Comics, you might be thinking. But did those have beautiful covers that told you the name of the story right up front on every issue so that you knew, right from the start, which story was ongoing? The art direction on the covers of this series was probably half of the reason I continued to collect it. I think maybe Shadow of the Bat was similar which is why I also collected that for some time, possibly because it began with a story by Alan Grant. I think that series actually put on each cover how long the story would go so you knew how long you'd be skipping it if you saw Scott Lobdell or Cullen Bunn were writing it that month. Not that those two ever wrote it (I think?) but I couldn't think of any names of writers from 1992 whose DC work I couldn't stand. I was fairly easy to please back then so I'm not surprised.
Matt Wagner, of course, was responsible for Grendel and Mage. I read my friend's copies of both of those around 1990 or 1991, I think. I won't say which of my friends that was because all of his passwords were Grendel and might still be. I wonder if I can log into his Apple TV?
I don't think this story is called "Faces" because Two-Face grabs Batman at some point and yells, "I'm Two-Face no longer! You can call me Faces now!" Yes, David Finch, that was a shot at you when you created the dumbest moment ever in the DC Universe. Congratulations! You're the worst!
Matt Wagner begins this issue with some new Two-Face lore as he sits in a cell in Arkham and masturbates.
Matt Wagner, of course, was responsible for Grendel and Mage. I read my friend's copies of both of those around 1990 or 1991, I think. I won't say which of my friends that was because all of his passwords were Grendel and might still be. I wonder if I can log into his Apple TV?
I don't think this story is called "Faces" because Two-Face grabs Batman at some point and yells, "I'm Two-Face no longer! You can call me Faces now!" Yes, David Finch, that was a shot at you when you created the dumbest moment ever in the DC Universe. Congratulations! You're the worst!
Matt Wagner begins this issue with some new Two-Face lore as he sits in a cell in Arkham and masturbates.
He can't come until the coin allows it.
Harvey Dent escapes Arkham at 2:22 AM as some kind of clue to Batman that he's Two-Face again although the fact he strangled the guard to escape was a pretty good clue itself. Batman begins the hunt for Two-Face. Instead of searching for Two-Face constantly though, Batman does the smart thing and looks for him at times when Two-Face might be active: two days after his escape; two weeks after his escape; two months after his escape. But Batman can't find him. So after giving up because I guess 22 days or 22 weeks or 22 months don't mean anything, Batman attends a fancy dress party held by the Gotham French Consulate exactly two years after Two-Face escaped. That's probably significant, right? Even though 24 months isn't. Or 104 weeks. Or however many days are in two years which, importantly, aren't 222 of them.
Bruce Wayne is dressed as Inspector Javert from Les Misérables because that's the most Batman character ever.
Bruce might also be dressed as Napoleon but that doesn't make as much sense so forget I even mentioned it as a possibility. One of the reasons he's at the fancy dress party is because he wants to buy a French Guiana island from a rich friend of his attending the party. The guy somehow acquired it but can afford to maintain it. Bruce's rich friend is dressed as albino Julius Caesar. He sells the island to Bruce for 30 million and now Bruce Wayne owns another island. The ginger real estate agent, Wren, is told to finalize the paperwork for the deal as Javert and Caesar rush off to find some dames to shag. But Wren doesn't immediately finalize the paperwork. Instead, he comes in his pants cause a sexy lady winks at him. So maybe Bruce doesn't own another island!
Do you think Two-Face is in the Charlie Brown costume? "I'm Two-Face no longer! You can call me Sad Face now!"
Coincidentally, the sexy space pirate has come to the party with her cousin who's a really big real estate investor. Before sexy space pirate lady can manipulate Wren (unless simply getting the information out of him that the owner is selling to Bruce Wayne?), somebody screams! What's really suspicious is that the scream doesn't interrupt the information passed on to sexy space pirate lady; the scream interrupts the kiss that almost happens afterward! Like it was a *GASP* perfectly timed plan!
Due to emergencies like this being possible, you shouldn't be allowed to go to a fancy dress party as Donald Duck if you're a fucking doctor. Ridiculous!
Since this murder took place exactly two years after Two-Face escaped Arkham, and also because the murder weapon was acid eating away somebody's face, Batman believes this was caused by Two-Face. But he believes it was just a distraction! If I had just been murdered by Two-Face, I'd hope that people wouldn't think of my murder as a distraction but think of it as a fucking murder. A crime has just been committed, Batman! How is "murder" a "distraction"?! Batman's as bad as the Democrats! They claim every authoritarian act by Trump or the Republicans is a distraction that shouldn't be dealt with because it's pulling them away from the real issue. But the real issue is always something they're not fucking dealing with either! Enough with calling things a distraction! They're all fucking problems! Solve them all, you lazy bastards!
I mean, obviously if they're not solving problems, it's because they don't see them as problems. They just pretend they can't actually do anything unless people vote harder, allowing them to kick the can down the road while hoping the voting doesn't happen to the degree that would force them to do the job people expect them to do. Notice how when the Democrats control congress, they still can't do anything because there's always a few of them that go rogue? That's intended! No matter how hard you vote, and no matter how many democrats win seats in Congress, they'll always have just the right number of rogue elements in the party to keep them from getting anything done.
Back to Batman, now that he knows Two-Face has finally come out of hiding enough to cause a distraction, Batman thinks about what kind of double sided crime Two-Face might actually be committing.
I mean, obviously if they're not solving problems, it's because they don't see them as problems. They just pretend they can't actually do anything unless people vote harder, allowing them to kick the can down the road while hoping the voting doesn't happen to the degree that would force them to do the job people expect them to do. Notice how when the Democrats control congress, they still can't do anything because there's always a few of them that go rogue? That's intended! No matter how hard you vote, and no matter how many democrats win seats in Congress, they'll always have just the right number of rogue elements in the party to keep them from getting anything done.
Back to Batman, now that he knows Two-Face has finally come out of hiding enough to cause a distraction, Batman thinks about what kind of double sided crime Two-Face might actually be committing.
Okay, sure, but what the fuck is Two-Face going to do with a gigantic Yin-Yang symbol?
Batman is correct but he doesn't manage to stop Two-Face and his gang (Romulus, Remus, and Snake-eyes). If the murder at the fancy dress party really was committed by Two-Face as a distraction, it was a stupid plan because without the Masque of the Red Death happening, Batman never would have figured out something was happening and almost stop him. Logically, that means the murder was meant to get Batman's attention so that Batman would try to interrupt him. That's exactly the kind of stupid shit Gotham villains do because they're all obsessive compulsive and have to flaunt their crimes in Batman's face.
The murder pretty much ended the vibe at the party so it breaks up. Wren gets mouth lucky with the sexy space pirate lady and they agree to meet up again in two days to maybe get other body parts lucky. But the next day, Wren is visited by a man with a red cloth covering half of his face. He's speaking in the same French accent of sexy space pirate lady and he wants to offer more money for the island than Bruce Wayne did. Wren begins to believe he was used which is a thought he should have had sixteen hours earlier when a beautiful half-naked lady was coming on to him so strongly. If she really wanted Wren, she would have put a hand down the front of his pants before the night ended and not just thrown him a pity kiss.
That's like the number one sign that a lady likes you: she puts her hand down your pants. If she doesn't do that, she's probably not serious about fucking you and almost certainly using you for your business acumen. You might as well learn that lesson as quickly as possible, young guys reading this who maybe shouldn't be reading this because I write about super adult stuff like women putting their hands down the front of men's trousers or using them for their real estate contacts.
Oh! Another way to know if a woman is into you is if you're at the ice skating rink and she keeps throwing herself across your back and squishing her boobies up on you and laughing at all the stupid nerdy virgin shit you say. I definitely didn't have any business expertise at fifteen that that young lady would have been manipulating me for so she probably totally wanted me. Although nothing happened but that's because I didn't say, "Do you want to leave the rink and go out front behind a bush so we can take our pants off?" Man, that would have been a great closing line! Totally would have got that deal done!
Wren decides to alert Bruce to the counter-offer because he's a good real estate agent trying to get his 10% fee as high as possible.
The murder pretty much ended the vibe at the party so it breaks up. Wren gets mouth lucky with the sexy space pirate lady and they agree to meet up again in two days to maybe get other body parts lucky. But the next day, Wren is visited by a man with a red cloth covering half of his face. He's speaking in the same French accent of sexy space pirate lady and he wants to offer more money for the island than Bruce Wayne did. Wren begins to believe he was used which is a thought he should have had sixteen hours earlier when a beautiful half-naked lady was coming on to him so strongly. If she really wanted Wren, she would have put a hand down the front of his pants before the night ended and not just thrown him a pity kiss.
That's like the number one sign that a lady likes you: she puts her hand down your pants. If she doesn't do that, she's probably not serious about fucking you and almost certainly using you for your business acumen. You might as well learn that lesson as quickly as possible, young guys reading this who maybe shouldn't be reading this because I write about super adult stuff like women putting their hands down the front of men's trousers or using them for their real estate contacts.
Oh! Another way to know if a woman is into you is if you're at the ice skating rink and she keeps throwing herself across your back and squishing her boobies up on you and laughing at all the stupid nerdy virgin shit you say. I definitely didn't have any business expertise at fifteen that that young lady would have been manipulating me for so she probably totally wanted me. Although nothing happened but that's because I didn't say, "Do you want to leave the rink and go out front behind a bush so we can take our pants off?" Man, that would have been a great closing line! Totally would have got that deal done!
Wren decides to alert Bruce to the counter-offer because he's a good real estate agent trying to get his 10% fee as high as possible.
It's not hand down the front of your trousers but an extra two million commission isn't so bad!
I don't actually know how real estate agents make money so if I'm wrong and you know how it really works, smarty pants, replace all of the stuff I got wrong with how it actually works instead of complaining about it.
The next evening, Wren has sex with sexy space pirate lady on top of a skyscraper. I think. Maybe they just kiss again because she has to leave for Paris in the morning.
The next evening, Wren has sex with sexy space pirate lady on top of a skyscraper. I think. Maybe they just kiss again because she has to leave for Paris in the morning.
Judging the outrageously different covers of these two books, I'd say she did not fuck him at all.
I don't remember Matt Wagner drawing such magnificent breasts in Mage or Grendel.
I don't know if this is important or not but her cousin is missing both of his legs. Plus he's American so he couldn't have been the guy with the French accent who tried to outbid Bruce Wayne on the island. That guy also had a red cloth covering half his face but I don't think that's any more important than the guy missing both his legs. Lots of people love to cover half of their face when they do business.
Batman's at a loss for how to find Two-Face after he got away with a massive Yin-Yang symbol. Sure, Batman hurt his arm so badly that night that he couldn't give chase to Romulus and Remus riding away on the cart carrying the Yin-Yang sculpture. It was probably to fast for his Batmobile to follow. Or maybe too easily lost in a side alley. Or perhaps, since neither of those suppositions are true, Batman just doesn't care like he used to.
Having no other clues other than that a plastic surgeon was killed on the night Two-Face committed his crime, Batman checks out all the other plastic surgeons in Gotham to find one that may be the next likely victim. He finds one celebrating his 22nd anniversary by going to the opera. Sure, it seems unlikely that Two-Face would know about a plastic surgeon that was having his 22nd wedding anniversary two days after he killed the plastic surgeon on the 2nd anniversary of his escape from Arkham. But then this was probably all planned from his cell in Arkham via whatever means inmates had in 1992 of discovering information. Does Arkham have a communal computer with a Prodigy connection and the Mozilla browser?
Anyway, Batman's hunch was right because the plastic surgeon is shot in the middle of the opera. Batman hunts down the assassin instead of leaving immediately to find Two-Face's real crime since isn't this probably a distraction too?
I don't know if this is important or not but her cousin is missing both of his legs. Plus he's American so he couldn't have been the guy with the French accent who tried to outbid Bruce Wayne on the island. That guy also had a red cloth covering half his face but I don't think that's any more important than the guy missing both his legs. Lots of people love to cover half of their face when they do business.
Batman's at a loss for how to find Two-Face after he got away with a massive Yin-Yang symbol. Sure, Batman hurt his arm so badly that night that he couldn't give chase to Romulus and Remus riding away on the cart carrying the Yin-Yang sculpture. It was probably to fast for his Batmobile to follow. Or maybe too easily lost in a side alley. Or perhaps, since neither of those suppositions are true, Batman just doesn't care like he used to.
Having no other clues other than that a plastic surgeon was killed on the night Two-Face committed his crime, Batman checks out all the other plastic surgeons in Gotham to find one that may be the next likely victim. He finds one celebrating his 22nd anniversary by going to the opera. Sure, it seems unlikely that Two-Face would know about a plastic surgeon that was having his 22nd wedding anniversary two days after he killed the plastic surgeon on the 2nd anniversary of his escape from Arkham. But then this was probably all planned from his cell in Arkham via whatever means inmates had in 1992 of discovering information. Does Arkham have a communal computer with a Prodigy connection and the Mozilla browser?
Anyway, Batman's hunch was right because the plastic surgeon is shot in the middle of the opera. Batman hunts down the assassin instead of leaving immediately to find Two-Face's real crime since isn't this probably a distraction too?
See?! Forget the murder! Two fucking zebras were stolen!
What's the assassin going to say? "Some unknown clown paid me to kill some socialite jerk"? That's every fucking day of the week ending in "day" in Gotham!
So what could Two-Face be planning? He's stolen a Yin-Yang symbol and two zebras. The link in common are the colors: black and white. Black and white. Black. White. OH MY GOD! Two-Face is going to start a race war!
Under torture, the assassin tells Batman that he met Two-Face in France. I'll pretend, for this comic book's sake, that torture actually does provide accurate information. Especially since the man in the red cloth mask meets up with Wren that same night and finds that he's willing to work to get this man the island if he pays him 25% of the total sale. A-ha! So my 10% was probably pretty close, no?! The man leave's Wren's place in a limousine suspiciously like the limousine of sexy space pirate lady's cousin! Plus the man with the mask spoke with a French accent! Plus the man in the mask with the French accent meets up later with Two-Face and takes off her mask and, I mean, I think it's a her and I think it's sexy space pirate lady. It makes sense, right?
The issue ends with Batman learning Two-Face has a link to France. France once owned the island that Bruce is trying to buy. A mystery French person is also trying to buy the island and that person works for Two-Face. Plus the woman who is probably the mystery French person has been manipulating the real estate agent so that Two-Face can ensure that he winds up with the island. But for what reason? To store his Yin-Yang symbol and his two zebras? Or to make it a home for all of his very bestest friends in the world?
So what could Two-Face be planning? He's stolen a Yin-Yang symbol and two zebras. The link in common are the colors: black and white. Black and white. Black. White. OH MY GOD! Two-Face is going to start a race war!
Under torture, the assassin tells Batman that he met Two-Face in France. I'll pretend, for this comic book's sake, that torture actually does provide accurate information. Especially since the man in the red cloth mask meets up with Wren that same night and finds that he's willing to work to get this man the island if he pays him 25% of the total sale. A-ha! So my 10% was probably pretty close, no?! The man leave's Wren's place in a limousine suspiciously like the limousine of sexy space pirate lady's cousin! Plus the man with the mask spoke with a French accent! Plus the man in the mask with the French accent meets up later with Two-Face and takes off her mask and, I mean, I think it's a her and I think it's sexy space pirate lady. It makes sense, right?
The issue ends with Batman learning Two-Face has a link to France. France once owned the island that Bruce is trying to buy. A mystery French person is also trying to buy the island and that person works for Two-Face. Plus the woman who is probably the mystery French person has been manipulating the real estate agent so that Two-Face can ensure that he winds up with the island. But for what reason? To store his Yin-Yang symbol and his two zebras? Or to make it a home for all of his very bestest friends in the world?
Two-Face's very bestest friends in the world.
Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #28 Rating: A. Has Two-Face become a defender of the deformed and misbegotten? Is that why killing plastic surgeons isn't just a distraction at all but a necessary evil in his war against those who would enforce a certain standard of beauty? Is Two-Face the real hero in this story?! It feels like maybe stealing the things that have to do with the number two might be the actual distractions. Two-Face wants to buy an island for his misfit friends! A Utopia where nobody will ever treat them poorly! A place where they can hang out with their two zebra friends and shout "One of us!" all day long! Oh, plus I just love Matt Wagner's art. It feels so effortless and looks so good!
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