Grendel: War Child #1 (August 1992)

"Not for Children" slapped on a grisly Bisley cover is ironic, right? Or sarcastic? Surely unnecessary.

Grendel: War Child #1 (August 1992)
By Matt Wagner, Patrick McEown, Bernie Mireault, and Kurt Hathaway
Cover by Simon Bisley
Edited by Diana Schutz

If you're a Grendel fan, don't get too excited about reading my take on one of the many, many, MANY Grendel series from across the years. For some reason, I only have this single issue. I probably saw the Bisley cover and the eyeball dripping off of a hook and thought it was a new Lobo series. Or I was still desperately trying to love the series the way one of my best friends loved it. Maybe two of my best friends! ("Best friends", plural, is the second tier of friendship for me. My only bestest friend in the whole fucking world ever was my cat Judas (1999-2014). He was my soul mate!) But the most plausible reason for my having the first issue of this series and not any others is that I completely forgot about it by September 1992. I think I hit the comic book store every new comic book day (was it Friday at the time? Thursday? I don't fucking remember) but that doesn't mean I always grabbed every book I was currently reading. Pretty sure I stopped reading Guy Gardner at the time the series became Warrior because the store sold out or, being an actual fucking idiot, I scanned the rack, saw Warrior and thought, "I don't read that one. Next!" It could also be that I purchased that issue (#16? #17?) that was twenty pages of Guy flying through an asteroid belt or meteor storm or something that my friend Brent and I shit all over for at least three weeks because it had no story and maybe no dialogue? Just a total waste of time.

It's possible I'm remembering that whole Guy Gardner thing incorrectly but that's not a surprise because every time I speak about a memory I had, it's mostly speculation. It's like looking into the mists of time through a seer's crystal ball. I kind of think I remember doing a thing but maybe I just dreamed it or I thought about it once and now the time I thought maybe I did that thing has become I actually did that thing? The human brain isn't anywhere close to as amazing as we all pretend it is. We're just all dumb motherfuckers who really should have learned a long time ago to write it all down!

It's too bad I didn't collect the rest of this series just for the Simon Bisley covers! Fucking missed opportunity, baby!

The inner cover might also be a clue as to why I didn't pick up the rest of this series.

Chapter 41?! What the fuck?! I've been duped by a #1 on the cover!

The original series ended with Issue #40 so I guess this is just an extension of that story. I did read my friend's issues of Grendel the summer of 1990 (as well as his Michael Moorcock Elric books) but I probably didn't remember them well enough to understand this inner cover blurb. Maybe the blurb didn't have anything to do with the original series anyway, being that this takes place far in the future. I don't remember the original series having anything to do with a future society with multiple Grendels so I suspect this is some kind of Bill & Ted thing where Grendel had such a huge impact on society that it became the basis for how wars are fought centuries later. Whatever the case may be, I found it too confusing in 1992 for me to continue with the series. Or, you know, I just forgot about it, like I said earlier. Fifty percent chance one of those was the case. As well as another 50% chance it was some other reason (every other reason having a 50% chance of being the actual reason).

If I had a lover who was an absolute idiot, this is where I'd lean over and whisper, "That's Grendel!"

I'm acting like this is a scene from a movie because the first couple of pages are quite cinematic. The art might be a bit amateurish but I would have accepted that as simple fact in 1992 because this was a Dark Horse comic book and not one of the big two. Obviously everything would be lesser quality! Maybe "amateurish" is too harsh. It's got a bit of a Manga vibe which might be the style it's going for. But to my untrained at visual art eye, a lot of Manga just seemed unfinished, rushed, or drawn by a thirteen year old who hasn't quite gotten a handle on depth of field, shading, or realistic breasts.

Let's just chalk it up to an unjudgmental clash of cultures and move on before I hurt my own feelings by insulting Sailor Moon.

The kid in the panel with Grendel, I learn as my lover leans in and whispers, "That's Jupiter!", is Jupiter, the heir to the throne of Earth. Since the Grendels seem to exist as different warring factions now, I guess the Grendel Faction that just obtained Jupiter rules the world now.

Matt Wagner whispers, "That's Laurel Kennedy Assante and her man-maid!"

The person whispering, "Mother?", off-panel is Laurel's daughter Crystal. This first issue is going to get me acquainted with all the characters mentioned in the "The Story So Far" brief on the inside cover and then it'll be time for Issue #2 which I don't have. So I probably don't need to actually read this, right?! Although it isn't for children so maybe I'll see a butt or a booby if I hang in there!

Laurel, current Regent of the World, thinks the kidnapping of the actual heir of the world will throw the world into chaos. What she means by that is it will destabilize her rule and she'll lose power. The world is already in chaos but as long as she's technically got the keys to running it, she doesn't give a fuck. If she could be honest with her Red Devil Grendel Warriors, she would tell them, "My rule is threatened! Do you want to work for somebody who might not be able to pay you if all of this falls apart?! I don't think so! Go get that fucking kid so that I control all of the tax wealth and mining rights and the crown!"

While escaping with the child, Grendel winds up surrounded by Red Devils. I guess the person dressed as the Grendel readers recognize is the protagonist. Although has Grendel always been the protagonist? I don't fucking remember. Weren't there multiple Grendel (not concurrently but one after the other) in the main series?

Grendel owns a "laser sword" and battles "Empire troopers" in a desert canyon because Matt Wagner saw Star Wars just like everybody else.

After the battle in the canyon, everybody hops on their hoverbikes and begins the chase scene. But through canyon walls and not Redwood forests so at least that's different. Kind of. At least Matt thought up the double-sided lightsaber first!

So that's all Qui-Gon Jinn needed to do to defeat Darth Maul? Kick him in the balls?

Oh, that guy Grendel is fighting there? A gang he encountered in Chicago on his road trip with the boy to New York. What's he doing with the boy and why is this Grendel so special? I'll never know because that's it for this issue, baby!

The Ranking!
Well, I just remembered why I never got Issue #2! Because nothing fucking happens in this issue! At least nothing interesting and new. A vaguely Star Wars-esque character in a vaguely Mad Max world transports and protects a child across the country in a Little Miss Sunshine plot. Although I might be misremembering that movie. Anyway, you can probably think of plenty of movies where somebody steals a child from bad guys to help save the world. Was that the plot of The Golden Child? And with all that superficial pop culture camouflage, there's really no story at present. Just a few fight scenes and a woman yelling at her staff. It didn't pique my interest to continue here in 2026 so I imagine I felt the same in 1992. Especially since it would have been really easy to just get the second issue when it came out. We've already seen so many other comics I was collecting in 1992 that I probably shouldn't have picked up. Robin. A bunch of Eclipso annuals. Timber Wolf. Darkstars. Late issues of Justice League Europe. I want to say Shadows of the Bat but I actually enjoyed most of those. Probably so, so many more!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #30 (May 1992)

Oh no. Is Batman going to punch a pinhead in the pussy this issue?

I know using the word "pussy" sounds vulgar and immature but I'm just trying to be anatomically correct! If I were to say Batman was going to punch somebody in the vagina, we'd have to assume there was a little bit of non-consensual fisting happening and I'm not okay with that! I mean, I'm also not okay with Batman punching a pinhead in the pussy but that's why I typed "Oh no" first!

If Batman winds up beating the shit out of a bunch of deformed circus freaks, he's going to lose a little bit of my respect. But not a lot because it would be ableist of him to refuse to beat the shit out of somebody just because they're living with a birth defect or some other abnormal condition. I mean if they were attacking him first, of course! I don't think Batman should punch a guy without a lower jaw bone in the upper jaw bone just to prove that he believes in equality. I will say this though: if Batman does get into a huge brawl with Two-Face and his new friends, I might give Matt Wagner some side-eye because he probably came up with this story on the sole premise of getting to draw Batman battling a mob of circus freaks. And the idea probably made him chuckle!

I'm doing a lot of speculation which isn't fair to Matt Wagner. I have no idea how he came up with this story. I'm sure it was in an intellectual way and not at all in a degrading or toxic way that involved drinking with his old college frat buddies while reminiscing about how they helped out with the Special Olympics while mocking the athletes the entire time. I only mention that because I knew this guy, Soy Rakelson, who was in a fraternity that did that. But I don't think Soy was ever, "Do you think Batman can take on all of these athletes at the same time?", like Matt Wagner must have done to come up with this story.

Previously, Batman has been captured by Two-Face and strapped to the front of a blimp. Two-Face doesn't quite call Batman "Secret-Face" but he may as well have. He plans on dumping Batman's dead and unmasked body on the top of the Gotham State Building where the dirigible will refuel before flying to the island that will become Deformed Nation. Two-Face leave him for the time being to deal with Sexy Space Pirate Lady's boyfriend.

Yeah, he's not dead. I forget fictional media loves to play this sort of trick with tranquilizer guns.

If Batman winds up fighting all of these characters, I'm just going to stop writing about the comic book and spend my time scanning every single panel where he punches one in the face.

I don't know why Two-Face didn't kill Wren earlier when he's just going to kill him in a few hours. I guess he's got some real estate business to clear up for Two-Face. In the meantime, Wren learns the truth about Sexy Space Pirate Lady and why she was working for Two-Face.

Damn! She was clean shaven not even six hours ago!

I'm not going to say Sexy Space Pirate Lady looks even hotter with a beard. But I will say she looks a little bit like Lobo and, well, if I think that makes her hotter, just shut the fuck up and deal with it, okay? Seriously, though, how does her having a full beard change how fucking hot she is? I wouldn't even ask her to shave it if she were my girlfriend because shaving is a pain in the ass. The main reason I usually have a beard (other than the sideburns and goat-strip which I almost never shave) is because I'm fucking lazy and I own my own business so nobody can tell me to fucking shave if I don't want to. Shaving sucks. And it must really suck if you grow a full, lush beard in less than half a day! It took me until about fifty to where I have to shave at least once a week if I want to stay looking smooth and sexy. Yeah, once a week and even that's too much for me! I guess I'm blessed by my not-too-hairy Spanish DNA.

While Wren's deciding whether or not he's into thick facial hair on the hottest woman who has ever shown any sexual interest in him, Batman makes his escape.

Why the zebras? Was it ever explained?! Do I even want to know?

Do you think Alfred has ever casually brought up the dangers of Batman having acid in his glove? "You know, sir, you do punch a lot of people in the face. Are you positive it can't accidentally trigger?" Probably not because Batman would just respond, "Shut the fuck up, Alfred."

Sexy Space Pirate Lady explains that her facial hair does indeed grow so fast that it's not worth removing, especially since she'd only be doing that for the acceptance of the shit status quo males of the world. Wren seems to be one of them because he's terrified of her even though she's still so fucking sexy (although far less piratey and spacey).

I just realized I'm not attracted to her because she looks like Lobo; I'm attracted to her because she looks like me in my twenties!

Of course I mean her face and not her body. Holy shit if I had her body in my twenties? You'd have gone blind if anybody ever shown a UV light on me I'd have had so many dicks pumping their love cream onto me!

Batman sneaks off, does a little investigating, and determines the location where Two-Face and his gang are hiding out. I thought they were all in the blimp's hangar but I guess not. He still has time to save Wren since Wren, after rejecting Sexy Space Pirate Lady, is tossed in a cell with D'urberville. Just think! He probably could have gone to live on an island with Sexy Space Pirate Lady if he just hadn't been so besotted with status quo ideas of femininity and gender! Dude should have listened to his dick that was almost certainly screaming, "What beard? What's a beard? Why are we running from her?! Get me back in that warm moist comfortable cave where I can throw up again!"

In th cell, knowing that Two-Face will eventually kill Wren, D'urberville feels comfortable exposing the secret that allowed him to be blackmailed.

Oh gross.

I'm truly disappointed by D'urberville's deformity. It didn't have to be a massive cock hanging from his chest but it could have been so much more than this. If I had two massive hands sticking out of my stomach, I'd at least put some Mickey Mouse gloves on them. I don't know how he's been hiding those things all this time. I guess he tucks him down the front of his pants but that's just going to cause a whole other problem! Plus, how much damage can two extra hands do to your reputation in upper crust society? Surely everybody's hiding some mutation caused by inbreeding.

Batman arrives a bit too late to see D'urberville's goodies. He finishes cutting through the bars on their cell's window just as Romulus and Remus enter the cell to kill off their prisoners. Batman kicks their asses without any qualms because even if they're extra tall albino twins, they're just a couple of average henchmen in Gotham. It's not until he's grabbed from behind and turns to find Two-Face's new entourage that he hesitates to commit violence.

They would have respected you more if you broke some of their arms!

Batman has already forgotten the lesson he learned in the latest (at the time) annual for Legends of the Dark Knight! If he's going to walk the path of violence, he has to absolutely commit to violence! But without murder, of course! He couldn't even kill Hitler, the big softie!

Just because he refused to punch a pinhead in the pussy, Batman, once again, finds himself at the mercy of Two-Face. At least this time, Two-Face explains the Yin-Yang symbol and the zebras. It's so underwhelming that I almost didn't mention it. But I know if I were a lonely loser on the Internet who still reads actual blog posts instead of 17-minute-too-long 20 minute YouTube videos and dozens of pre-selected short videos, then I'd want to learn why Two-Face stole the things he did. Well, here it is: the Yin-Yang sculpture will be the crest of Two-Face's Deformed Nation while the zebras are its mascots. Yeah, I don't know why. Are zebras deformed horses? Is that something I've never learned until now?

Two-Face flips his coin to find out if Batman should die or Wren should die. Wren loses the flip and is taken aboard the blimp while Batman remains on the ground tied up. A few minutes later, Batman is once again joined by Wren.

If only he hadn't been so constrained by society's gender norms!

Batman tried to save Wren's life and take his place but Two-Face wouldn't be swayed away from his coin's decision. At least Wren fucked up Bruce Wayne's sweet island deal so Batman doesn't feel too badly about his death. He spares a single, sad synopsis of Wren's life before rushing off to stop Two-Face once and for all.

Batman just roasted half of the Internet.

Batman, being the handsome, dashing, has-everything Bruce Wayne, crashes through the windshield of the blimp to stop Harvey creating a Utopia for those society has ostracized for no other reason than they unsettle members of that society. Two-Face points out that his mission is honorable and just. But Batman is all, "Yeah, but you killed some plastic surgeons and a criminal real estate guy! Surely I have to ruin this for everyone because you didn't go about it just right!"

Luckily for Batman, he's not the only one who doesn't think Two-Face went about this the correct way.

For some reason, this reminds me of Boxing Helena.

In Boxing Helena, Jennifer Lynch tells the story of a man who obsesses over a beautiful woman. He kidnaps her, cuts off her limbs, and places her on a pedestal, literally turning her into the object of his love. But in the end, when she's rescued, the men who discover her are horrified by her appearance. The man who turned her into an object became the only man who could only love her for who she was. But freed from his captivity, Helena had become nothing more than a pitiable object in their eyes. This story isn't that. But something about the way Two-Face has viewed the freaks as reflections of his own torment speaks to me in the same way Boxing Helena did. He treated them superficially, as objects themselves. They are deformed therefore they must be unhappy. But he never bothered to actually learn anything about them. By assuming they needed to be rescued from the hell of society, he took away their agency. But what can anybody expect from a guy who thinks zebras are mocked by horses?

Two-Face severely damages the dirigible when he fires the gun and it crash lands just outside Gotham where a circus has recently been set up (it was mentioned earlier but I didn't think it was important!). Two-Face makes a run for it and Batman give chase although he acknowledges he must hurry and help the wounded. But he also respects that these people can take care of themselves! Two-Face enters the circus and runs right into one of the performers: The Man with 2-Faces!

This guy's had sex four times?! What am I doing wrong?!

Heh, I'm being naïve and silly! Just because this guy has four kids doesn't mean he's had sex four times. He may have only had sex once or twice and gotten twins or quadruplets! My masculinity isn't threatened by that at all!

Harvey may have the gun to this guy's head but I don't think he's allowed to shoot him because the coin came up heads and that's the good side. But it doesn't really matter because Batman catches up to him, disarms him, and says, "Enough." And I guess that's all it takes to stop Two-Face because he's back in Arkham by the next page!

The story ends with Bruce saying to Alfred, "You know, I'm a lot like Two-Face!" And Alfred saying, "But you don't murder." And Bruce saying, "Hmm. Yeah. Well." Then there's a shot of the clock that hides the Batcave that opens using the time his parents were murdered and some talk about fate and I guess what goes unspoken is how one reacts to the fate that befalls you. You can go crazy, listen to a coin, and murder people on a fairly regular basis. Or you can go crazy, dress up like a bat, and try to prevent murders. A little Yin, a little Yang. A little black, a little white.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #30 Rating: A+. I think this might be my favorite Batman story. It's definitely my favorite Two-Face story. Matt Wagner not only tells an intriguing story loaded with lovely Batman and Two-Face appropriate themes but he also draws the everloving shit out of it. It's beautiful! And the panel and page layouts are often inspired! Just an absolute joy to read. Man, am I going to have to buy every issue of Grendel now?!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #29 (April 1992)

Batman's gonna do a sexy little dance for us now.

I absolutely remember how excited I was to purchase both this run of comics and Shadow of the Bat. I don't even know what it was about them that lit a fire in me since I'd never really read many Batman books. I didn't even begin picking up Legends of the Dark Knight until it had been going for two years. And I don't think I continued to buy either series past the end of 1992! And yet this series went until 2007! Not that I was buying comic books in 2007. Or 2006. Or 2005. Or 2004, really. I stopped buying comic books in March of 2004, the month the final of issue of Cerebus was published. It just felt like a good time to stop, especially since I was, at the ripe old age of 32, having trouble remembering all the story arcs of the many different books I bought each month. By that time, I think I was mostly reading Marvel, Vertigo, and independent titles even though I'd been a DC fan for most of my life. It just seemed all of my favorite writers were suddenly doing Marvel books and my loyalty had long since gone over from individual characters to the writers themselves.

But none of that has anything to do with Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight unless it does! Because by 1992, maybe I understood that the writers were the absolute most important part of the comic book equation for me (yes, even more than the artists) and the reason I was so excited to pick up this book was seeing Matt Wagner's name on it (also the artist so, you know, art is important too, I guess?). That could also explain why I was excited for Shadow of the Bat as well since Alan Grant was doing that book. So there you go! I do know why I picked up these books! I knew I could trust myself to ramble my way to an understanding. It's how I come to all of my conclusions about life, like how the moon landing was faked, Bigfoot is actually extra-dimensional (unless he's from the kingdoms of the Inner Earth), and all royalty from the bloodline of Charlemagne are lizard people.

This issue begins with introductions of all of Two-Face's new friends. I'm going to let the scan be my commentary on it or else you're not going to respect me in the morning.

It's not that if I comment, I'll be insulting. It's that I'd wind up labeling which ones I want to fuck and why.

Okay, fine. 1, 3, 6, 7, 10, 12, 14, and 15. Oh, and obviously 16! I may despise the overly lawful who use violence as a means to control the populace but, come on, he'd be a great fuck, no?

Now, I'd rather not apologize to David Finch for the way I mocked his ending of the first issue of The Dark Knight at the beginning of The New 52. Don't get me wrong! I won't and never will! Two-Face declaring for no reason at all the he is "One-Face now" was a massive misplay on his part and an even massiver misplay on his editors' part. Because what I think David Finch was going for was that Harvey Dent was no longer part of Two-Face at that moment. He was trying to make Two-Face scarier by having him lose his conscience. What else would he call himself if one of his faces was suddenly gone? Well, you know, One-Face. But that's fucking stupid because we all have one face. His declaration wasn't grand! It was normal! It was boring. "Oh no! You only have one face now? So, congratulations, I guess?" I blame the editors more than Finch because they should have been all, "Okay, look, I get what you're trying to do here. But that's certainly not the way to do it. This is possibly the most ridiculous thing a Batman villain has ever said in the entire history of Batman villains saying ridiculous things. Work on it, my dude." I imagine everybody in the DC offices calls each other "my dude", especially Gail Simone. But she says it sarcastically and in a way that totally hurts your feelings, like maybe she doesn't actually think you've got any dudeness in you at all?

Anyway, I bring this up because Matt Wagner, in a way, beat David Finch to the whole "One-Face" declaration. I said I was worried about something like this happening in Wagner's first issue simply because he named this story "Faces". But then there was a moment I willfully ignored last issue where Two-Face calls a guy who's directing some workers to place a sculpture in the exact right place "Precision-Face". Well, guess what? Two-Face has found a One-Face this issue. I brought up David Finch and how he made a mistake doing it. I bring up Matt Wagner doing it because it works.

Aww! Sweet little One-Face!

Just for the record and for the curious: no, I would not fuck One-Face. Christ. Get off the Internet, you sickos.

I really enjoy pretending that the people reading my blog are more sick and perverse than I am! Or maybe I'm not pretending? Y'all are fucking gross, right?

Two-Face's wonderful dream of a world where he and his deformed friends can live without judgment by those who have been subject to a narrow belief of beauty has to do with the island he's trying to buy out from under Bruce Wayne. Assuming that all of the "sideshow freaks" he's gathered together have come of their own free will, Two-Face might be the hero of this story. But according to Batman's research, he believes some of these people were taken against their will. I guess that's enough for Batman to shut this whole scheme down without having to admit to himself that it's because he wants that fucking island for himself.

Batman's currently trying to keep the next possible plastic surgeon safe from being murdered. The next possible victim is a doctor who has a twin brother which is right up Two-Face's compulsive alley. The Gotham Police tail the men when they're about town and Batman has decided to break into the surgeon's home to investigate for danger.

It's practically just like reading Grendel!

After a night out celebrating his birthday, the plastic surgeon comes back to his second home which Batman has thoroughly searched. He sits down to relax with a cigar and a brandy but he doesn't get much relaxing done because the cigar blows his face off. Batman, spying on him from the window, seems shocked because he thoroughly searched the humidor! Is the humidor that thing in the toilet that cleans off your butt when you've had a messy poo?

Ha ha! Just kidding! I know what a humidor is! It's that thing that Batman searched thoroughly!

Batman, so angry that this guy died on his watch, punches a hole in the wall. He then tapes a $500 bill to the hole and moves a painting over it to pay for the damage. Jim Gordon finds it because he notices the unfaded part of the wall where the painting obviously had been hung previously. He then asks Batman why he moved the painting, understanding exactly what happened much quicker than I pieced it out (it took me forever to figure out what the fuck Jim and Batman were talking about!). Batman's answer is basically, "I didn't want a dirty fucking Gotham cop finding and stealing the money!"

It turns out, the surgeon was poisoned with some poison that loosened his bowels so that methane leaked up into his esophagus. Lighting the cigar caused it to ignite and blow his face off. I'm surprised the guy wanted to smoke a cigar and drink some brandy when he must have smelled his own shit breath. If your breath starts smelling like shit, you should probably go immediately to the hospital. Unless you just ate some shit. Then, you know, carry on, I guess.

While Two-Face plans his perfect community with One-Face, one of his sneaky freaks brings him some information he just learned about the guy who currently owns the island that everybody wants. He broke into the guy's house and spied on him as he got undressed for bed.

I bet D'urberville has a tail! Or a cock so large he'd be allowed at the "One of us!" table.

Later Bruce Wayne meets D'urberville at the First Gotham Bank and buys the island, with witnesses and a ten million dollar down payment to boot! Wren is there and signs the forms as a witness to the transaction. But since he's now Team Two-Face, he probably signed the witness statement as Ben Dover.

Batman can't figure out which plastic surgeon might be killed next because he has no hard evidence of any of them living a "double life", which seems to be the ones Two-Face has been after. Alfred tells him to trust his instincts although I wish Alfred had told Bruce to flip a coin. That seems like the kind of joke Alfred would make. Maybe he normally would but Batman has been so on edge with failing to save any of the plastic surgeons so far that he might have actually taken a shot at Alfred for being snarky.

Batman follows a guy who lives on Second Avenue since it's the only real clue he has. Two nights after the last murder, Batman follows the guy to a seedy motel where he's meeting a prostitute. Evidence of a double life! Or an addiction to sex workers. Or having a fun secret little sexy roleplay with his wife. But I'm sure it was none of those things since I'm not the world's greatest detective. I'm sure Batman already thought of all of those things.

I wish he would have waited to gas them after two or three panels of dick sucking.

Sexy Space Pirate Lady breaks into D'urberville's apartment and threatens to expose his secret tail or massive cock (which appear to be located on his chest as he instinctively tries to hide whatever's there when Sexy Space Pirate Lady steps out of his closet) if he doesn't renege on the deal with Bruce Wayne and sell the island for one dollar to her real estate cousin (who is actually the Anton Ecole, the no-legged man. Apparently having a massive cock or hideous tail hanging off your right pectoral is so embarrassing that fifty million dollars isn't enough to salve the humiliation. So D'urberville agrees to her terms.

Bruce expects to get his down payment back but Wren gives the information on the payment to Two-Face's real estate man. Then, for being a good boy and doing the unethical thing, Sexy Space Pirate Lady pays him a visit. And Batman doesn't gas them before we get to see some side boob and butt!

Wren definitely jizzed in his pants in panel eight.

Sexy Space Pirate Lady also seems to think that "couch" is how you say "penis" in English.

Bruce confronts D'urberville and D'urberville willingly admits that he's being blackmailed by the other buyer. He hopes that Bruce will just let it go so he doesn't have to explain how his life is going to be ruined. D'urberville tells Bruce the name of the other buyer is Count Enance and Bruce is all, "Countenance! As in face!" Yeah, so? What does that matter? God, Batman's constantly grasping at straws!

Realizing that Two-Face is the other buyer, Batman puts all the other pieces together. A dirigible was stolen the night Batman saved the plastic surgeon from his prostitute. So it looks like every step of the way, Batman was involved in trying to stop the distraction. I mean, the distraction was murder so obviously that was what he should have been doing rather than saving a giant Yin-Yang symbol, two zebras, and a dirigible. But having learned of the island and the zeppelin, Batman realizes Two-Face will use it to take all of his kidnapped deformed friends to this island. Batman heads off to investigate the blimp and discovers some zebra poo and a crying baby. Except the crying baby turns out to be a full grown but deformed man who grabs him while some of Two-Face's other thugs sneak up on him and knock him out. That image on the cover? That's Batman strapped to the front of the dirigible!

Also, Wren gets shot in the gut by Sexy Space Pirate Lady when he can't leave well enough alone and goes after her for a second fuck. You'd think Two-Face would have allowed two fucks! Oh! Maybe he did! I guess they really did fuck on their first date. That would explain why he needed to be shot trying to get laid a third time. That's a huge Two-Face no-no.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #29 Rating: A. Matt Wagner writes an intriguing Two-Face story! It feels like a Batman story I'd never read before which is really hard to do (especially since I have read this exact story before back in 1992!). Great art. Spectacular Matt Wagner panel layouts. Some sexy naked lady shots. And a Batman that isn't too overconfident or too powerful. He's not making mistakes but Two-Face is absolutely outwitting Batman the whole way. Probably because Two-Face's ultimate goal isn't really a crime! He's just setting up what he calls "Deformed Nation." Of course Batman would think Two-Face murdering plastic surgeons was the main crime. Why wouldn't he want a bunch of plastic surgeons dead? I haven't even been disfigured and I'm pretty sympathetic to the idea!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #28 (March 1992)

My Legends of the Dark Knight collection beginning with #28 because Matt Wagner.

I'm absolutely positive that I picked this series up because Matt Wagner did this story in it. But I continued to collect this series because I really loved the conceit. A complete story about Batman told every three to four months. This might be what you expect as well from Batman or Detective Comics, you might be thinking. But did those have beautiful covers that told you the name of the story right up front on every issue so that you knew, right from the start, which story was ongoing? The art direction on the covers of this series was probably half of the reason I continued to collect it. I think maybe Shadow of the Bat was similar which is why I also collected that for some time, possibly because it began with a story by Alan Grant. I think that series actually put on each cover how long the story would go so you knew how long you'd be skipping it if you saw Scott Lobdell or Cullen Bunn were writing it that month. Not that those two ever wrote it (I think?) but I couldn't think of any names of writers from 1992 whose DC work I couldn't stand. I was fairly easy to please back then so I'm not surprised.

Matt Wagner, of course, was responsible for Grendel and Mage. I read my friend's copies of both of those around 1990 or 1991, I think. I won't say which of my friends that was because all of his passwords were Grendel and might still be. I wonder if I can log into his Apple TV?

I don't think this story is called "Faces" because Two-Face grabs Batman at some point and yells, "I'm Two-Face no longer! You can call me Faces now!" Yes, David Finch, that was a shot at you when you created the dumbest moment ever in the DC Universe. Congratulations! You're the worst!

Matt Wagner begins this issue with some new Two-Face lore as he sits in a cell in Arkham and masturbates.

He can't come until the coin allows it.

Harvey Dent escapes Arkham at 2:22 AM as some kind of clue to Batman that he's Two-Face again although the fact he strangled the guard to escape was a pretty good clue itself. Batman begins the hunt for Two-Face. Instead of searching for Two-Face constantly though, Batman does the smart thing and looks for him at times when Two-Face might be active: two days after his escape; two weeks after his escape; two months after his escape. But Batman can't find him. So after giving up because I guess 22 days or 22 weeks or 22 months don't mean anything, Batman attends a fancy dress party held by the Gotham French Consulate exactly two years after Two-Face escaped. That's probably significant, right? Even though 24 months isn't. Or 104 weeks. Or however many days are in two years which, importantly, aren't 222 of them.

Bruce Wayne is dressed as Inspector Javert from Les Misérables because that's the most Batman character ever.

Bruce might also be dressed as Napoleon but that doesn't make as much sense so forget I even mentioned it as a possibility. One of the reasons he's at the fancy dress party is because he wants to buy a French Guiana island from a rich friend of his attending the party. The guy somehow acquired it but can afford to maintain it. Bruce's rich friend is dressed as albino Julius Caesar. He sells the island to Bruce for 30 million and now Bruce Wayne owns another island. The ginger real estate agent, Wren, is told to finalize the paperwork for the deal as Javert and Caesar rush off to find some dames to shag. But Wren doesn't immediately finalize the paperwork. Instead, he comes in his pants cause a sexy lady winks at him. So maybe Bruce doesn't own another island!

Do you think Two-Face is in the Charlie Brown costume? "I'm Two-Face no longer! You can call me Sad Face now!"

Coincidentally, the sexy space pirate has come to the party with her cousin who's a really big real estate investor. Before sexy space pirate lady can manipulate Wren (unless simply getting the information out of him that the owner is selling to Bruce Wayne?), somebody screams! What's really suspicious is that the scream doesn't interrupt the information passed on to sexy space pirate lady; the scream interrupts the kiss that almost happens afterward! Like it was a *GASP* perfectly timed plan!

Due to emergencies like this being possible, you shouldn't be allowed to go to a fancy dress party as Donald Duck if you're a fucking doctor. Ridiculous!

Since this murder took place exactly two years after Two-Face escaped Arkham, and also because the murder weapon was acid eating away somebody's face, Batman believes this was caused by Two-Face. But he believes it was just a distraction! If I had just been murdered by Two-Face, I'd hope that people wouldn't think of my murder as a distraction but think of it as a fucking murder. A crime has just been committed, Batman! How is "murder" a "distraction"?! Batman's as bad as the Democrats! They claim every authoritarian act by Trump or the Republicans is a distraction that shouldn't be dealt with because it's pulling them away from the real issue. But the real issue is always something they're not fucking dealing with either! Enough with calling things a distraction! They're all fucking problems! Solve them all, you lazy bastards!

I mean, obviously if they're not solving problems, it's because they don't see them as problems. They just pretend they can't actually do anything unless people vote harder, allowing them to kick the can down the road while hoping the voting doesn't happen to the degree that would force them to do the job people expect them to do. Notice how when the Democrats control congress, they still can't do anything because there's always a few of them that go rogue? That's intended! No matter how hard you vote, and no matter how many democrats win seats in Congress, they'll always have just the right number of rogue elements in the party to keep them from getting anything done.

Back to Batman, now that he knows Two-Face has finally come out of hiding enough to cause a distraction, Batman thinks about what kind of double sided crime Two-Face might actually be committing.

Okay, sure, but what the fuck is Two-Face going to do with a gigantic Yin-Yang symbol?

Batman is correct but he doesn't manage to stop Two-Face and his gang (Romulus, Remus, and Snake-eyes). If the murder at the fancy dress party really was committed by Two-Face as a distraction, it was a stupid plan because without the Masque of the Red Death happening, Batman never would have figured out something was happening and almost stop him. Logically, that means the murder was meant to get Batman's attention so that Batman would try to interrupt him. That's exactly the kind of stupid shit Gotham villains do because they're all obsessive compulsive and have to flaunt their crimes in Batman's face.

The murder pretty much ended the vibe at the party so it breaks up. Wren gets mouth lucky with the sexy space pirate lady and they agree to meet up again in two days to maybe get other body parts lucky. But the next day, Wren is visited by a man with a red cloth covering half of his face. He's speaking in the same French accent of sexy space pirate lady and he wants to offer more money for the island than Bruce Wayne did. Wren begins to believe he was used which is a thought he should have had sixteen hours earlier when a beautiful half-naked lady was coming on to him so strongly. If she really wanted Wren, she would have put a hand down the front of his pants before the night ended and not just thrown him a pity kiss.

That's like the number one sign that a lady likes you: she puts her hand down your pants. If she doesn't do that, she's probably not serious about fucking you and almost certainly using you for your business acumen. You might as well learn that lesson as quickly as possible, young guys reading this who maybe shouldn't be reading this because I write about super adult stuff like women putting their hands down the front of men's trousers or using them for their real estate contacts.

Oh! Another way to know if a woman is into you is if you're at the ice skating rink and she keeps throwing herself across your back and squishing her boobies up on you and laughing at all the stupid nerdy virgin shit you say. I definitely didn't have any business expertise at fifteen that that young lady would have been manipulating me for so she probably totally wanted me. Although nothing happened but that's because I didn't say, "Do you want to leave the rink and go out front behind a bush so we can take our pants off?" Man, that would have been a great closing line! Totally would have got that deal done!

Wren decides to alert Bruce to the counter-offer because he's a good real estate agent trying to get his 10% fee as high as possible.

It's not hand down the front of your trousers but an extra two million commission isn't so bad!

I don't actually know how real estate agents make money so if I'm wrong and you know how it really works, smarty pants, replace all of the stuff I got wrong with how it actually works instead of complaining about it.

The next evening, Wren has sex with sexy space pirate lady on top of a skyscraper. I think. Maybe they just kiss again because she has to leave for Paris in the morning.

Judging the outrageously different covers of these two books, I'd say she did not fuck him at all.

I don't remember Matt Wagner drawing such magnificent breasts in Mage or Grendel.

I don't know if this is important or not but her cousin is missing both of his legs. Plus he's American so he couldn't have been the guy with the French accent who tried to outbid Bruce Wayne on the island. That guy also had a red cloth covering half his face but I don't think that's any more important than the guy missing both his legs. Lots of people love to cover half of their face when they do business.

Batman's at a loss for how to find Two-Face after he got away with a massive Yin-Yang symbol. Sure, Batman hurt his arm so badly that night that he couldn't give chase to Romulus and Remus riding away on the cart carrying the Yin-Yang sculpture. It was probably to fast for his Batmobile to follow. Or maybe too easily lost in a side alley. Or perhaps, since neither of those suppositions are true, Batman just doesn't care like he used to.

Having no other clues other than that a plastic surgeon was killed on the night Two-Face committed his crime, Batman checks out all the other plastic surgeons in Gotham to find one that may be the next likely victim. He finds one celebrating his 22nd anniversary by going to the opera. Sure, it seems unlikely that Two-Face would know about a plastic surgeon that was having his 22nd wedding anniversary two days after he killed the plastic surgeon on the 2nd anniversary of his escape from Arkham. But then this was probably all planned from his cell in Arkham via whatever means inmates had in 1992 of discovering information. Does Arkham have a communal computer with a Prodigy connection and the Mozilla browser?

Anyway, Batman's hunch was right because the plastic surgeon is shot in the middle of the opera. Batman hunts down the assassin instead of leaving immediately to find Two-Face's real crime since isn't this probably a distraction too?

See?! Forget the murder! Two fucking zebras were stolen!

What's the assassin going to say? "Some unknown clown paid me to kill some socialite jerk"? That's every fucking day of the week ending in "day" in Gotham!

So what could Two-Face be planning? He's stolen a Yin-Yang symbol and two zebras. The link in common are the colors: black and white. Black and white. Black. White. OH MY GOD! Two-Face is going to start a race war!

Under torture, the assassin tells Batman that he met Two-Face in France. I'll pretend, for this comic book's sake, that torture actually does provide accurate information. Especially since the man in the red cloth mask meets up with Wren that same night and finds that he's willing to work to get this man the island if he pays him 25% of the total sale. A-ha! So my 10% was probably pretty close, no?! The man leave's Wren's place in a limousine suspiciously like the limousine of sexy space pirate lady's cousin! Plus the man with the mask spoke with a French accent! Plus the man in the mask with the French accent meets up later with Two-Face and takes off her mask and, I mean, I think it's a her and I think it's sexy space pirate lady. It makes sense, right?

The issue ends with Batman learning Two-Face has a link to France. France once owned the island that Bruce is trying to buy. A mystery French person is also trying to buy the island and that person works for Two-Face. Plus the woman who is probably the mystery French person has been manipulating the real estate agent so that Two-Face can ensure that he winds up with the island. But for what reason? To store his Yin-Yang symbol and his two zebras? Or to make it a home for all of his very bestest friends in the world?

Two-Face's very bestest friends in the world.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #28 Rating: A. Has Two-Face become a defender of the deformed and misbegotten? Is that why killing plastic surgeons isn't just a distraction at all but a necessary evil in his war against those who would enforce a certain standard of beauty? Is Two-Face the real hero in this story?! It feels like maybe stealing the things that have to do with the number two might be the actual distractions. Two-Face wants to buy an island for his misfit friends! A Utopia where nobody will ever treat them poorly! A place where they can hang out with their two zebra friends and shout "One of us!" all day long! Oh, plus I just love Matt Wagner's art. It feels so effortless and looks so good!

Grendel: Devil's Odyssey #2

Yay! Grendel hentai!

I would absolutely love this comic book if I gave a shit about Grendel or was twelve years old again and into space stories. So close to my demographic! At this point in my life, I'm into stories about too much ass-play and economic equality for everyone (including horny octopuses). But since this story is about Grendel and space, I'll try to psyche myself up for it. Whee.

I just realized something: I didn't have to purchase this comic book! I'm dizzy from that revelation!

Grendel has found a planet that could have become Earth-2 if it weren't infested with a sentient race called the Gyks. I'd suggest Grendel could easily solve that problem but there must be thousands of them. And I don't think even Grendel could manage to slaughter that many innocent beings without feeling slightly troubled by a nervous, guilty bowel and having to break from the fight to shit where he'll be overpowered and fed to the Gyk children.

Man, if that's what happens, I won't call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. I'll just call Matt Wagner a weird freak.

Well it seems like Grendel wants to attempt to slaughter them. So maybe we'll get the "Grendel shits himself to death" story I was pretending would be weird but secretly want to read.

I guess Dark Horse doesn't have a rating system for their comic books because I just checked the cover and there isn't a "Suggested for Mature Readers" note of any kind. "Why do you bring that up, Tess?" you're probably asking. By which I answer, "My name isn't Tess." But, um, this is why I bring it up:

Matt Wagner is a weird freak.

I just realized that the previous scan will probably get this review tagged as adult content on Tumblr. Oh well. Fuck you, Tumblr. You've fucked up the layout of my blog anyway by inserting all of your own weird fucking code into the HTML so that now nothing centers and the captions don't sit snugly under the scanned panels. At least Blogger hasn't fucked up their entire platform yet.

Grendel's floating science head reports to him that the Gyk will probably kill him on sight if he interacts with them again. That's because their Queen Priest King has declared he's a cursed Gyk and will bring ruin to the entire hive. Hey! That's what I was hoping would happen! I guess Grendel will just have to find another planet.

Grendel decides to not listen to his science head. He'd rather take his chances on the Gyk than head back into space to find another suitable planet for Earth life. He decides to befriend the Gyk by bringing them water. It doesn't go as well as Grendel thought it would although it goes exactly as Science Head warned (I can't remember the science head's name so it is now Science Head). Grendel winds up incinerating the Queen and dozens of other Gyk as well as destroying their mushroom homes. Grendel says, "Oops! Sorry!", and then heads back to the ship to find another planet.

Grendel: Devil's Odyssey #2 Final Thoughts: It's an adventure in space story. Too bad twelve year old me is long dead. Forty eight year old me hasn't retained the sense of wonder twelve year old me had so he was sort of bored by this. It even had naked alien cock and I was all, "Hmph. I've seen it before." Wouldn't it be great if we, as a species, got more excited about everything and our sense of wonder simply increased as we got older? I don't like the way it really works where the world just beats us down and chips at our optimism until we're cynical husks full of weariness and pain. Maybe I just haven't found enough new things to keep me interested in living another forty years! No wonder there are so many stories about billionaires owning secret islands where they hunt men. Now that sounds like something that could get my heart pumping! Too bad I'm not a billionaire and I'd almost certainly just wind up as one of the hunted. I bet that would still be exciting though!

Grendel: Devil's Odyssey #1

Is this like Jason X: 2001?

In high school, a couple of my friends were really into Grendel. Eventually, I borrowed the entire run from one of them and read it, sometime in 1990 or 1991. The only thing I remember about it is that some guys named The Panzer Brothers drew pages that had about five hundred panels apiece. Also maybe Grendel was a devil or something? And he used some pitchfork thing? Also maybe he was a she sometimes? Look, my memory is terrible. The only things I remember clearly are the times my world came crashing down around me or the two times I did it with a woman. I mean three times. Four? Why not five dozen! Yeah, it was five dozen times. Does that sound like too many for a middle aged man? It's probably just about right for a middle aged man or a woman in her early twenties. And by "times" I mean different people! Unless that's too unbelievable. You know what? Shut up!

And since I have no memory or attachment to Grendel, you might be asking yourself the same question I'm asking myself: why the fuck did I purchase this?!

I don't have an answer to that question so I'm just going to start reading it and pretending I know what I'm talking about.

The issue begins with a little background: "A powerful, living weapon created by Grendel-Khan Orion Assante, Grendel Prime is a cyborg warrior who served his Khan by protecting his son, Jupiter Assante, and assisting on various missions. After several generations of Khans and their households have come and gone, Grendel Prime has fallen into seclusion, living a mysterious life away from humanity." That sounds like another way of saying, "This Grendel has nothing to do with that previous Grendel. Get over it, Fanboys." Of course, not knowing anything about Grendel, I may have missed some important interim issues that resulted in this sci-fi future.

Is this where I'd pop a big boner if I were a Grendel fanboy?

The flying head declared she likes to be referred to by female pronouns. I bet that pissed off a lot of comic book nerd boys. "Not you too, Grendel!" But then the head also wants to be known as "Siggy" and Grendel insists on calling it "Drone" or "Seven." So that probably sated the nerd boy rage around the issue. "Yeah, Grendel! Rebel against politeness, you bad ass motherfucker! Stick it to people by being purposefully rude!" Was this part of Grendel's appeal? He (or she?) was an anti-hero? I bet Grendel was really just a knock-off Batman!

Grendel experiences a flashback so the reader can understand what's going on. Earth has been ravaged by war and the Grendel-Khan line is on its last legs. Grendel has been tasked with carrying the DNA of the original Grendel-Khan, his two sisters, and his two wives into space to find a new planet to call home. A planet where he can clone the humans and begin again, peacefully. Although I already see a flaw in the "peacefully" department. One man and four women, two of whom are the man's sisters? That's not enough dick to go around!

Back to the new planet Grendel has landed on, Grendel discovers signs of intelligent and probably aggressive life. He's not supposed to attack any other species they find but he can defend himself. So he promptly strides right past their totem warnings swinging his great big two-pronged dick. "Just out for a stroll! Not being aggressive at all!" he probably would say if I were writing the dialogue.

Whew! I'm glad Grendel was attacked. I thought this book was going to be a big uneventful dud.

After Grendel slays the gigantic bug, an alien creature comes to greet him. Thanks to Siggy's translation ability, Grendel understands the alien when it asks if he's a God. Grendel doesn't answer at the end of this issue but if he's seen Ghostbusters, he knows what he's supposed to answer.

Grendel: Devil's Odyssey #1 Rating: If Matt Wagner was Cullen Bunn and Matt Wagner had been hired by DC to write Aquaman, he would probably have just used this story and replaced Grendel with Aquaman. If you read Bunn's Aquaman, you know what I'm talking about. Also, I don't rate comic books anymore. Maybe I should change "Rating" to "Synopsis" or "Final Thoughts" next time!