All Star Batman #5

I'm sure punching somebody six feet into the air isn't as deadly as it sounds.

Batman's road-trip finally comes to an end.

What Did Batman Learn?
Batman learned that nothing fucking matters because no matter how hard you work or how much effort you put into a five issue story arc, things just return to exactly where they were at the beginning of the five issue story arc. Bruce Wayne's secret life as Batman isn't exposed even though it looked like it was about to be discovered by the Gotham Police. Batman's search to cure Harvey Dent just wound up in Batman telling Harvey Dent that he can't cure him because it's not up to him to fight Harvey's battles for him. The people of Gotham go from not wanting to kill Batman at the start to wanting to kill Batman to save their secrets and right back to not wanting to kill Batman once Two-Face isn't cured. Although if I were Batman, I'd investigate every single one of these people attempting murder to keep their secrets. Those must be some dark, demented secrets! Also, Alfred confesses to Batman that he once put out a hit on The Joker but reconsidered a few hours later. That doesn't seem like much of a confession since Batman already knows Alfred would blow the fucking Joker's head off with a shotgun if he ever got the chance. Alfred also calls himself a hypocrite because he advised Batman as a boy not to kill Joe Chill (or Harvey's dad?). But that's not hypocrisy at all. That's just a father trying to keep his son safe and innocent. It also shows quite a bit of foresight because how could Batman go around feeling superior to all of the other Justice League members because he doesn't kill? Not that they kill either but Batman is like an alcoholic who doesn't drink telling teetotalers how it's much harder for him not to drink and thus means a lot more.

The Ranking!
No change. Fucking comic books! Shouldn't a book with "all star" in the title create some kind of actual change in the Batman's world, or at least have a little more meaning than "We all have to fight to not be bad guys and shit, dude!"? Scott Snyder has a way of writing a big story that never really has any impact on Batman when it's done. Which, really, means he's doing comic books perfectly. They're really stories about characters in amber. They're not meant to learn anything; they're meant to teach. They're morality tales told to people who probably don't give a shit as long as the art is cool and there's loads of violence. So I probably should have kept the "What Did Batman Learn?" section as "What Did We Learn?" because Batman never fucking learns a thing! If he did, he'd retire with Selina to a private island and let all of the super genius Bat-kids without death wishes and obsessive personalities keep Gotham safe.

All Star Batman #4

How often do we get to see the Bat-Chainsaw?

Batman and Harvey Dent continue their wacky road trip. Along for the ride during this section are Duke Thomas and a bunch of Talons. The Talons aren't as hard to defeat this time as they were during that Night of Them. Mostly because they need to be gone by the end of the issue. That's because it's time for The (KG)Beast to return! He manages to capture Batman and Harvey and Duke so he can turn them over to the guys more desperate than anybody to stop Batman and Harvey: The Penguin, The Black Mask, and that other guy with the white face. Oh, Great White! The transfer of prisoners doesn't go so well because it's interrupted by the next group of villains going after Batman to shut up Harvey Dent. I know you're thinking I'm going to give this great reveal as to who the villain is, like Hush or Wrath or King Tut, but I'm not. It's just a bunch of regular people with guns desperate not to let their secretest of secrets out into the world. I suppose if they're this desperate, we can assume they're all pedophiles.

What Did Batman Learn?
Batman is learning that people are just as awful and desperate as they've always been. He's practically the only that has ever risen above his basest nature and become willing to sacrifice his happiness for the betterment of all mankind. Or all Gothamkind, really. He's learning that his faith in them was misguided. He's learning that we're all dicks, especially Superman who could have easily flown Batman and Two-Face to wherever Batman is taking Harvey. I suppose Batman was too stubborn to ask.

The Ranking!
No change. John Romita Jr.'s art is still terrible. It's weird how I accepted his art for what it was when he was working on Kick Ass and Hitgirl, even when he drew the worst monster trucks and automatic weapons. But now that he's drawing DC characters who I've been reading my entire life? I can't abide his style.

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #5

Pomeline and Bane must be second cousins.

Here's what I wrote in my "review" of Gotham Academy: Second Semester #1: "I wonder if Amy is just a Tyler Durden figment of Olive’s imagination? I hope so! If she is, I hope Olive kisses it!" Try to ignore the part where I want Olive to have a lesbian relationship with a figment of her imagination. I just wanted everybody to know that I called it immediately when it turns out to be true, as the evidence continues to mount. What evidence, you say? The evidence that nobody fucking acknowledges her ever. The evidence that she doesn't appear on panels with the other kids when the perspective changes away from Olive. The evidence that I'm always right about stuff.

Aside from this issue totally trying to expose Amy's fantastical nature, it also exposes Maps' sexuality. She's sexually attracted to maps. I know! Totally not shocking at all given her nickname. But then, my nickname isn't Looking At Naked Women From the Back as They Bend Over, so I wasn't really prepared for her nickname to be the thing she wants to fuck. Also exposed? Eric is a totally evil little shit doing Mr. Scarlet's bidding. I don't know exactly what the bidding is but it's probably connected to finding The Big Old Book of Gotham. Pomeline is also looking for that Book because it contains all the answers to all the mysteries and will break open every case the Pizza Detective Club ever tries to solve.

What Did We Learn?
Practically nothing aside from all of those plot elements I pointed out previously. But this section of the review isn't about plot elements! It's about themes! So I think the theme of this comic book was that no theft goes unpunished even when it probably winds up punishing the person you wanted framed for the theft. So you'll probably be okay if you decide to steal stuff. Just remember to look up the definition to the word "patsy" first.

The Ranking!
No change. This is probably a good place to mention how much I love Adam Archer and Sandra Hope's versions of these characters, right?

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #4

This kind of heat can't be good for the vagina.

There was a time a person could go on the Internet and spout all sorts of incorrect vagina facts and nobody would say a thing because what do Actually Nerds know about vaginas?! But now thanks to feminism, instead of less Actually Nerds, we have more! So now women are getting into the white male virgin dominated Actually Game and constantly exposing my ignorance of the vagina! Hey, people? You do know that equality doesn't have to mean everybody taking on and expressing equally all of the worst traits of humanity, right? Can't we all equally not correct people on the Internet? I take it as a form of bullying! What right do you have to criticize my lack of knowledge of the vagina?! It's not like it would lead to a world where grown-ass men think they know better than women what to do with their...oh. Never mind. Correct away! Tell me how heat actually does affect the vagina! Maybe even submit some pictures! Drawings, of course! I don't expect to be inundated with pictures of female private parts in different controlled climates. Unless it's more scientific that way, of course.

Also, I already know how dicks react to temperature. I don't need any pictures of those!

In this issue, the Pizza Detective Club go to a demonic carnival. It's barely different than a regular carnival. There's a snake lady, a hall of mirrors, a boy who hasn't age in one hundred years, and the attempted abduction of children. In the end, the kids are rescued by Headmaster Hammer who will later pretend nothing strange happened and everybody should just stop talking about it and get back to schoolwork.

What Did We Learn?
Carnivals are evil and run by drunks who steal children. Sometimes those drunks are actually demons, and sometimes they're just assholes.

The Ranking
No change.

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #3

Maps makes some new friends.

The Review!
No change. Pizza Detective Club solves yet another weird mystery at Gotham Academy. This time it's an English teacher who's a witch bent on burning all the books in revenge of being dumped by the scrawny Mr. Scarlet. He must be fantastic at cunnilingus because, looking at him, I'd guess that fucking him would be like rolling around on top of a bundle of sticks covered in maple syrup. Colton is still in love with Kyle but Eric might be dropping his crush on Maps now that she burned his notebook. Not that she did it on purpose! Remember the witch!? She totally mind-controlled Maps the way I'd like to mind-control Maps. But I wouldn't ask her to burn books, if you get what I'm getting at. I'd compel her to Dungeon Master every night so I could get my Wood Elf Bard up to epic levels!

During the mystery solving, Colton gets busted again for breaking and entering and theft. But this time, he's going to be expelled. I'm sure everybody will take pity on him when they realize he wears sunglasses constantly because his father beats him. I'm making assumptions but this is basically Degrassi Junior High in comic book form and thirty years later and that's the kind of story you'd expect from that show. It's never-ending drama for five seasons until you get some titty in the movie finale and then maybe drive drunk, kill a kid, and go to prison for years.

What did we learn this issue? Headmaster Hammer doesn't give a shit that every single teacher at his school is involved in supernatural shenanigans but when one student breaks a few minor laws while investigating said shenanigans, Hammer loses his fucking head. The American Education System, amirite?!

The Lost Boys #4

Nothing says "illusory cool" like 80s style (and saxophones).

The Review
No change. This is a Vertigo comic book but it didn't feel like a Vertigo comic book until this issue. That's because even though it's full of vampires who are totally into sex and swearing, not one of them sexed anything or cussed their brains out in the previous issue. But in this issue, David is all, "You don't fuck, motherfucker! Fucking vampires fuck! Fucking hell yeah we fucking do!" And then David and The Believer impale themselves on a stalagmite (unless it's a stalactite!) and die in a sexy death embrace that completes the ritual to wake the Motherfucking Vampire Mothers who didn't put many clothes on when they fell asleep in the pool centuries ago.

I know David and Sam and the Believer's nipples were all over the earlier pages of this thing and that they look almost exactly like these nipples but society has programmed me to only be turned on by these nipples. And look at that! I'm all sexified now!

Supergirl #5

Remember that mirror anecdote I used in the last review? I'm fucking smart and shit.

I don't know how long I'll be able to enjoy reading comic books this morning because I just discovered my stupid fucking comic book store put two copies of Suicide Squad #9 in my pull box (with different covers) instead of giving me Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #4. Who wants to be when I go back there and start busting heads later today (if I can even find the energy to leave the house because now I'm super depressed with my life not having gone smoothly in this tiny instance) that they won't have any more copies of that comic book?! Fucking hell. My life is the worst. And I don't mean that in a hyperbolic way. Totally serious. The worst. Not even joking to make a point.

This scene is a good analogy for me and my comic book reading habits. I could avoid reading all of the bad comics but instead I just stand there and rant and rave while they crash down upon me, leaving me a shuddering and miserable pile of organic goop.

Not that I think this is a bad comic book. At least not yet. It's just a boring comic book in a lot of ways, most of those ways being Cyborg Superman. I know I've harped on this four separate times prior to this (in each of the previous issues, natch!) but I think it can't be ranted about enough. Nobody wants to read any more stories starring Cyborg Superman! Kara's dad was a fucking loser in life and he's an even more boring loser in half-life! Please kill him at the end of this story. And not inconclusively! Tear him to bits, melt him down, smash his brain and throw it into a black hole. I suppose in comic books, even that isn't conclusive. So maybe have an epilogue where God appears and says, "Well, I guess that's it for Cyborg Superman! Even I couldn't bring him back after that!"

You might want to worry about the owner of that car's insurance company coming after you though.

Cyborg Superman does not die in this issue. He's not even defeated. Instead, the battle continues next issue. That's bad news for me because I have to read another Cyborg Superman story. But it's good news for anybody who likes to read my long, rambling digressions of life and comic books because by next month, I'm sure I'll be caught up on my back issues. That means instead of just summarizing the story by saying things like "Cyborg Superman is boring" and "Supergirl has a terrific bum," I'll say things like "Do you suppose if you jerked off into a toilet and then shit in that same toilet, the sperm would try to fertilize your turds?"

The Ranking!
No change!