Doctor Fate #17

Fucking Christ. I can't believe I'm still reading this comic book!

I've been reading this comic book for a year and a half and I am not entertained by it at all. The only other things I've maintained for that length of time or more which brought me no joy were my relationships with family members. Ha ha! Just kidding, mom and dad!

Oh, who am I kidding?! Like they'd ever show any interest in anything I love! Although that's not entirely true. I love pizza and Oreos and my mom definitely notices when I'm loving those things. "Oh, you're going to eat all of that?" Yeah, mom, of course I'm going to eat a whole fucking pizza topped with Oreos. Now fuck off!

So, as usual, I didn't think much about the cover because I barely looked at the comic book as I picked it up sighing and rolling my eyes and hating the life I've chosen for myself. But then when I opened it up and saw the name of the artist, I perked up a bit. Brendan McCarthy? You mean, the Brendan McCarthy?! Not the one who co-wrote Fury Road! I mean, yes, that one! But I wasn't thinking, "Not the one who co-wrote Fury Road?!" I was thinking, "The guy who did the covers to Shade the Changing Man and the art for Rogan Gosh?!" And why, yes, it is indeed that Brendan McCarthy! I'm fucking stunned. I'm so glad I didn't simply give up on this comic book the way I'm giving up on so many others!

My feeling of pure unbridled joy doesn't last long. Fucking life. Fuck you! Can't I at maintain some kind of enjoyment for any length of time before you intrude and smash it all to pieces with more of the same Doctor Fate bullshit?! First off, the colorist looks like he just pissed all over McCarthy's art. It looks like a kid who just discovered the joy of creating light with an eraser. But on top of that, Khalid once more begins experiencing some weird shit and his first thought isn't, "This must be more magic! Like all of that other magic that has been intruding on my life! It's like I can't get a moment's peace or a handjob from the neighbor without magic fucking it all up!" No, instead when things get weird, he goes back to the whole, "Is there a weird but rational explanation for this? Are the cops drugging us? Is this a fireworks show? Am I having a stroke?"

The weird lights turn into multi-colored threads that pierce the tops of the heads of everybody at the rally he's attending. He thinks it's weird until one of them pierces the head of the girl who won't fuck him (so not the neighbor lady! The other one!). Now it's personal! Time to turn into Doctor Fate and have a strange psychedelic experience!

"At least not until I've known her carnally!"

Khalid winds up in some other plane that's really strange. He doesn't think, "Holy fucking hell! So cool!" No, he thinks, "This is utterly, totally, completely impossible." You are such a disappointing Doctor Fate, Khalid. You deserve to fail Medical School. And also Magical School. And also How Can You Not Have Noticed That Your Neighbor Wants To Suck Your Cock School.

Seventeen Goddamned issues of this attitude! Somebody revoke his Doctor Fate card already!

Here's how huge of a failure this Doctor Fate is. He just asked the weird bug thing what manner of being it is. It responds with a sound. Doctor Fate thinks, "Usually the magic works to translate--but all I'm getting is static...and the word dreamspinners... ...what are these things?" So he asks them what they are, they respond with dreamspinners, and then he asks himself again, "What are these things?!" You know what? He doesn't deserve a fucking handjob from the hot and horny neighbor lady. Khalid can live with his parents as a failure for the rest of his life for all I care. I think his next life choice should be getting a Playstation 4 and a medical marijuana card and just calling time on his ambitions.

Also, the punctuation in that quote is the fault of the writers. I wonder if they learned how to punctuate from Howard Mackie's School of Terrible--Really...Fucking, Terrible — and Awful; Punctuation..

Khalid loses Akila's thread and decides the best way to find it is to search at the other end. All the threads are entering a big dream egg, so that's where he heads.

Where he finds a giant caterpillar fucking a glowing cauldron.

The gigantic caterpillar is named Clothorus and it's been wanting to eat Doctor Fate for as long as it can remember (which I think is forever). But Doctor Fate does some whining and pleading to Nabu who comes to his rescue. I think. Khalid definitely doesn't do anything heroic himself. I know there's another issue but I can still hope that he gets eaten. The next issue might be twenty pages of Khalid digesting inside of Clothorus, right?

Doctor Fate escapes to another plane of existence where the pyramids were built by flying scarab ships. I guess it's the spiritual version of Egypt, or something even more profound that I'll never figure out in a million years because I'm constantly being distracted by my physical needs and desires.

Doctor Fate visits the Sphinx which tells him how to defeat Clothorus. It says, "If you would defeat the mother, you must embrace her and all her children." Then Khalid is all, "What?! Riddles! Just tell me how to defeat her!" And the Sphinx is all, "How can I be any more plain than that, you stupid fucking asshole!" Then Khalid, confused by the mere presence of words, is dragged back into the dreamspinner realm for the final fight of his life. Hopefully.

The Ranking
-1 Ranking. There have been some pretty shitty incarnations of Doctor Fate over the years and none of them can compare to the overall shittiness of Khalid. He's the fucking worst.

The Flash #10

I don't remember a Flash villain called The Vaudevillian.

There have been a slew of celebrity deaths in 2016 that have been tragic and then there's Debbie Reynolds. I'm not saying she was the devil and we should celebrate her death! I just mean she's one of the celebrities that would have went whether or not the year was cursed! I'm not being mean (cynical, maybe! But not mean!) and saying people who loved her and remember her fondly shouldn't mourn. I just think when you bring up the list of unbelievable celebrity losses in 2016, maybe just leave off Debbie Reynolds. And definitely leave off Nancy Reagan.

After Carrie Fisher died, I saw a meme on Facebook that said something about how kids of the 80s are losing everybody who made their lives great. It was a collage of celebrities who were big in the time, including Nancy Reagan. What fucking kid of the 80s worshiped Nancy Reagan?! She nearly single-handedly ruined everybody's fun. What a fucking buzzkill! And how dare she drag Mr. T into her evil network of fun-killing downers!

I'm glad 2016 has never heard of me! It's like one of God's plagues. I think when one of Revelation's seals was opened, it mentioned a mass death of celebrities.

This issue begins telling the fairy tale of Shade Not The Changing Man. This is just the vaudevillian villain from the cover. I guess the most important thing to learn about Shade is this bit of wisdom he learned about life: "your life could be affected by the maliciousness of others." Whoa! Why the fuck didn't anybody tell me this earlier?! I've been walking around in crowds unsuspecting all this time that, at any moment, one of those faces in the crowd might be malicious to me! Or at me! Thank goodness this comic book filled that gap in my knowledge of survival. Now I'm going to make sure I beat anybody who comes near me with a lead pipe. You aren't going to negatively affect my life, you mysterious bastards!

Apparently Shade found a woman to fuck so he reconciled himself to an easy life full of calmness and heavy petting. Everybody was safe from his darkness! But that was a long time ago. That's an ominous way of saying his fuck buddy was probably taken from him in a totally unjust way and now he's out to make everybody miserable by affecting their lives with his maliciousness.

Barry is currently out jogging thinking, "The DC Universe is so stupid right now. I can't wait until it figures itself out and pretends it never Rebooted the stupid thing. Of course by that point, I'll probably have an itch to time travel or vibrate into a triple upside down dimension and everything will become fucked up again." While he thinks that, he's ignoring Iris who is trying to talk to him while they jog. Ugh. The only thing more annoying than jogging is when your shit breaks off halfway out of your ass. I mean, jogging with another person! That's what I meant!

Barry's too nice. I'd tell Iris to back the fuck off and call a Big Brother program for her problem nephew. Even knowing he's Kid Flash!

Last issue, we learned that Iris was a terrible reporter. She was getting sent flowers from an unnamed person every week and denied having a secret admirer. I mean, sure, she was right because it was actually Wally West who was sending them. But she never found that out and there's no reason to not believe you have a secret admirer when you get flowers constantly without anybody taking credit. In this story, Iris tells Barry that she asked him along to jog because she heard there were some "unusual muggings" (whatever those are) happening in the park and she didn't want to jog alone because it would look suspicious. Are you fucking crazy? Iris West is the worst reporter in the world and I won't listen to all of you Iris West fans making up stupid reasons for why her terrible statement makes sense right now. If you are going to defend this nonsense, you have to see that you're completely biased. She's an idiot and there's nothing more to say on that subject. Except maybe to say, a few more times later on, how much of an ignoramus she is.

Apparently the muggings have been unusual because they've been perpetrated by a villain known as Papercut. That's not unusual. That's ridiculous. His super power is to fold paper into origami ninja stars and then threaten people with them. So basically he's me in 7th grade.

Wally turns up to stop Papercut because Barry Allen doesn't act quickly enough. Get it?! He's the fastest man...oh, never mind. I can see why Flash comic books are generally 85% speed puns. They're hard to avoid.

No wonder Barry doesn't want Wally out fighting crime alone. His quips are terribly mundane.

Papercut doesn't remain unconscious even though he almost certainly has a fractured skull. No way Wally West has put in enough time training to calculate how hard he can hit somebody without exploding their brain. As he gets up, Papercut reveals that he controls everything made of wood and I bravely refrain from making an erection joke. Who says there aren't real heroes anymore? I mean, no American, probably, since they're all sycophants worshiping at the altar of military servicemen. I just want to throw my hat into the same heroic ring as people who risk their lives protecting overseas corporate investments. Oh, and, um, freedom too! Probably.

Using the distraction of everybody trying not to make a penis joke, Barry turns into Flash, punches Papercut the precise amount to knock him unconscious for a few minutes, and then rushes him off to Iron Heights where he'll be put in a cell and probably never go on trial and maybe even die on a Suicide Squad mission without ever getting the benefit of a trial by a jury of his peers.

Afterward, Flash and Kid Flash have one of those trust discussions that I'm sick to fuck of because I watch the CW superhero television shows.

Why does everybody have to know everything about everybody else? Respect people's right to have some Goddamned motherfucking secrets!

Wally decides that to earn the Flash's trust, he'll go behind the Flash's back and do a bunch of dangerous stuff the Flash wouldn't want him doing. He's going to solve The Mystery of the Speed of Darkness!

Wally doesn't solve it but he does wind up captured in Shade's shadow place (which isn't as gross as it sounds. Maybe). I wonder if Wally is realizing that maybe Flash knew what he was talking about?

The Ranking!
No change! One of the advertisements for The Flash collected stories says that Joshua Williamson's writing is on point. Is that really a compliment? I would rather somebody describe my writing as entertaining! Not that anybody would ever praise my writing as being on point. Unless the point was to show how often I could digress while trying to make a point. Anyway, this writing might be on point but it's not entertaining me anymore. I hate to give up reading The Flash comic book since it's usually the place where the whole DC Universe begins breaking down but I just don't have time for it anymore.

The Flash #9

Why is The Flash using Barry Allen's lunchbox?

The singer of "Last Christmas" dying on Christmas and now the star of A New Hope dying isn't being very subtle, 2016. We get it. The world is ending next year. Nobody can wait for this year to be over but I think 2016 is just the John the Baptist to 2017's Jesus Christ. I could go on to explain what I mean by that but, not being Christ-like, I don't explain my analogies and metaphors. Mostly because I assume people are smarter than the twelve idiots Jesus chose to pal around with on his Final Tour. Although having just skimmed Revelations (seeing as how it's practically unreadable, especially when you don't really give a shit about reading it), it feels like The Bible was written by a not too confident auteur who wants to make sure that the audience is getting every bit of their genius, so they explain every single image, analogy, and metaphor. "So, like, the world will be ravaged by locusts. But these locusts are wearing helmets and breastplates and carrying spears, if you get what I'm saying! Wink, wink! They aren't really locusts at all! It's an army!"

The rash of celebrity deaths almost seems like a purposeful smokescreen to distract everybody from the political nightmare that has taken place this year! I'm wondering if David Bowie's death was the canary in the coalmine that we all just ignored. He was too sensitive for the toxic atmosphere of 2016.

On a side note, did anybody else find some of the headlines of George Michael's death particularly insensitive? Who thinks starting an article with WHAM! is appropriate? "WHAM! Singer dead at 53! In your face!" It just seems...oh wait. I just got it. Never mind.

This issue takes place on Halloween. Has it been that long since I've read a Flash comic book? Sheesh!

Iris gets flowers every week without a note and denies she has a secret admirer? Worst investigative reporter ever!

The Keystone Bridge is falling down so Iris has to go look at it and write, "The bridge was fine! Nothing happened at all!" Wally and Barry also make excuses to leave Iris's office so they can go play superhero. While Flash is teaching Kid Flash the best way to save the day, he says, "We could spend all our time getting people off the bridge or we can rebuild the bridge!" Then he begins to rebuild the bridge. Um. Just because he's fast doesn't mean he can rebuild a fucking bridge! I suppose he rushes off to learn how, get the supplies, send Iris some more flowers for next week, and then rebuild the whole thing himself as it's falling into the water? Oh yeah! That sounds plausible!

I should probably either stop complaining about The Flash comic book being implausible or just stop reading it altogether. Oh hey! That's a good idea! This book is off my fucking pull list! Although I still have a few issues left in the stack.

The other Wally West shows up to help because this story is called "Kid Flash of Two Worlds!" I wasn't sure if I was going to like it or not but then the title ended in an exclamation point and I found myself thinking, "This story sounds exciting!"

When Wally and Wally shake hands, Barry Allen has a mental breakdown and begins channeling The Comedian. He flips the fuck out and begins insulting the two Kid Flashes. He also reveals that Daniel West is actually Wally's father so that clears up the mess about needing a mysterious third West child who didn't exist. Not that anybody was still worrying about that since there's so much more to worry about like "Why the fuck do we need two Wally Wests?!"

Wally West points out how when he touched The Flash, it hurt him. But, he theorizes, what if both Wallies touch him at the same time?! Logically, that should...well, it should hurt them both. But instead it works! Barry stops flipping the fuck out! The day is saved! But the issue isn't over yet because I guess that wasn't the main conflict. It seems Second Wally finding out Daniel West is his father is the main conflict. Second Wally runs off crying because everybody has been lying to him his whole life. He decides to go meet his friend Chunk at a Halloween Party. Yes, Chunk is fat. How did you guess?

Chunk is a real nerd, you motherfucking poseurs.

First Wally is the guy saying "Wally?" It seems First Wally and Second Wally instinctively know that they're each a Kid Flash. Although Second Wally doesn't know First Wally is also named Wally. He just knows the dopey looking guy with the red hair in the over-sized green sweater must be the dopey looking guy with the red hair in the second rate Flash costume from earlier in the day.

First Wally teaches Second Wally about self-esteem or something. Who cares? If you need to be taught that you should love yourself, maybe you aren't really worth loving? You ever think of that?! I love myself because I'm entertaining and sexy. But I imagine I wouldn't love myself at all if I were a boring jerk! People would probably tell me, "Oh no! You must love yourself before others can love you! I mean, other people love you know matter what or something!" And I'd be all, "Liar! I suck!" That's probably how most of you feel, right?

Later, First Wally and Barry discuss the flowers that First Wally has been sending to Iris. I guess he wants to fuck his aunt. Weirdo. At the end of their talk, Barry mentions that he saw a winged metal cap in a vision when he was flipping the fuck out earlier. He said it filled him with hope and/or reminded him of the shitty New 52 Earth Two comic book. Unless the second half of that was just me.

The Ranking!
No change. I think this issue was only written to clear up Second Wally's parentage. Maybe it was a little bit about starting the whole Flash Family concept which people seem to like for some reason. I prefer my heroes to be loners with pets.

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #1

This series promises to have the best fuckfights in the history of the DCU.

I just glanced at a Starbucks napkin I'm using to wipe my runny nose (not because I'm sick but because I sneezed recently and have been too lazy to blow my nose. I was busy Photoshopping a bed onto the cover of this comic book!) and realized Starbucks is as old as me. That might be a boring way to begin this commentary but the other way I was thinking about beginning it was too depressing. You see, while many people have complained that 2016 has been a terrible year because of the heartbreak caused by the people who have died (ignoring the political disaster because can't I just ignore that? Please?), I have felt nothing. I knew when David Bowie died that I should feel something but I didn't. I just don't have that thing inside of me that other people have where they feel intimately tied to an artist. Love, I guess? Empathy? Compassion? Probably all of those. It's sort of the same blank void that exists in the space of my memory where the suicide of Kurt Cobain lies. I wouldn't have thought it was a big deal if not for seeing news reports of terribly sad people all over the country. But as 2016 went on, I began to feel something. Or the lack of something, really. Everybody was getting angrier and angrier at this year due to the celebrities dying and none of it made a blip on my emotional radar. In 2016, I began to realize that maybe something inside of me truly was broken and all of my cynical, self-deprecating posts about my inability to love weren't cynical at all. Because none of the tragedies of 2016 have meant anything to me. And yet George Michael dying on Christmas Day can't be anything less than our 2016 Christmas Carol moment when the Ghost of Christmas-Yet-To-Come points at Scrooge's grave to warn every one of us, without any subtlety at all or fucks to give, that if we don't change our ways, this will be the last Christmas for everybody. But if I'm the Scrooge in this Christmas Carol, I'm completely unperturbed and unaffected. I'm buying the fattest goose in the market for myself because, as I pointed out, I still feel nothing. And so if 2016 has been a terrible year for everybody else in one way, it was also terrible for me in another. This was the year I became completely disconnected from everybody else. It is the year I realized my apathy is all I, apparently, have left. Happy Boxing Day!

This issue makes a huge statement by beginning in Death Valley. See how it has death in the name? Ominous! It also has valley in the name which is less ominous, being just a low lying depression which — let's face it — if all you've got by the end of this year is a "valley," you're doing all right! The first panel also uses a quote from John Steinbeck: "Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts...perhaps the fear of a loss of power." I've probably said it before so I won't say it again.

No wait. That's a stupid thing to write! I'll just repeat myself for clarity's sake: John Steinbeck is this country's greatest writer and it's a fucking shameful catastrophe that he's overshadowed by hacks like F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway and that jerk who wrote Moby Dick! I mean, maybe some of those previous guys weren't hacks. But isn't that the way to debate? I have to lie about the other side to prop up my argument? Not that John Steinbeck needs any propping up! Just go fucking read some of his books. I won't even recommend a specific book because you can pick up any of them and it will be the greatest book you've ever read. Sure, I have other books by other authors that I generally rank better than any Steinbeck book. But that's just a polling error! Sure, I fucking love and adore Catch-22 possibly more than any of Steinbeck's novels. But what else is Heller fucking offering me after that? Something Happened?! Get the fuck out of here with your bullshit, Heller! If you want a book you'll love which will lead to dozens of other books you'll also love, read Kurt Vonnegut. I mean, John Steinbeck! I mean, I guess Kurt Vonnegut will do in a pinch as well. But, while every one of Vonnegut's books is entertaining, they're like puddles of piss lying next to Steinbeck's Mona Lisas. That was a terrible analogy to make and now I'm ashamed of everything I've ever written.

I will say it's a smart move on Williamson's part to stick that Steinbeck quote in there early. Now this book has that kind of pretentious swagger that makes me start off thinking it can't be too bad, no matter how boring I usually find Williamson's writing!

Underneath Death Valley, a secret man with mind control powers (Max Lord, of course! I guess it isn't so secret since he was in that spoilery double page pull-out wall poster monstrosity of an advert) is breaking into a more secret prison.

This is a better idea than Liefeld's idea of Lobo being held in a regular old prison in Colorado.

For a super secret prison with probably the best security ever, they sure dropped the ball on protecting it against villains with mind control powers. I suppose just like every other security measure ever invented, the prison is simply about the illusion of keeping people safe from the worst cosmic threats to Earth's populace. Everybody knows no safety measure can be one hundred percent guaranteed to keep people safe so why even bother making those measures with a fifty percent guarantee? Or even a twenty-five percent guarantee? Just name the place the Catacombs, bury it in Death Valley, and try not to tell too many people about it's existence. Then find a nearby Roman with a bowl of water and wash your hands. Project done!

Max and his Monsters walk off into the sunset because he forgot to bring the pale horses or a car. Then there's a double splash page of the name of the comic book which just seems like DC trying too hard to remind everybody that this is a fucking blockbuster movie of a comic book, bitches!

After that is another double splash page of the Suicide Squad killing people on a beach while Harley screams something suitably "crazy trite" which just seems like DC trying even harder to remind everybody that this is a fucking blockbuster movie of a comic book! I didn't add the "bitches" this time because I'm trying to be more sensitive to the people who hate that word even though it's the perfect tagline of a word for when you want to not just say a sentence but stab somebody in the face with it.

The Suicide Squad's mission is to stop the Brimstone Brotherhood from destroying the island of Badhnisia with a stolen Quake Pulsar from STAR Labs. Nothing in that statement explains why this is a job for the Suicide Squad. It's more a job for the Justice League! Oh, maybe this is how they'll come into contact, right? Although that still doesn't explain why the Suicide Squad has been sent on this mission. There must be some kind of diplomatic entanglement that could ensue if pro-American superhero forces get involved. Although who is left on Earth who doesn't recognize the Suicide Squad at this point? Doesn't everybody just shake their heads and think, "Fucking United States. Getting around international law yet again by pretending to have nothing to do with this violent action!" Then they probably chuckle at how silly America is and how powerless they are to stop them.

Oh, there's the explanation! Although sending in the Suicide Squad would also draw attention to it, I would think. This was one Waller should have left to the Justice League entirely. Why wouldn't they stop the destruction of an island nation? Just leave a message on the Bat-Answering Machine.

The Justice League will need to get involved at some point, being that the title of this comic book mentions them a bit. So they'll probably arrive and blame the Squad for some kind of international terrorism. Or Batman will notice that Amanda Waller downvoted one of his comments on Reddit which will drive him to finally bringing up the Suicide Squad problem to the Justice League.

The scene on the beach gives new readers a quick overview of the Suicide Squad by punctuating their names with lame quips to flesh out their one-dimensional personalities. It also gives readers an opportunity to see that Captain Boomerang loves to harass the women on the team. I'm not sure if that's his personality or if Williamson just thinks all Australians are like that? It's okay to reduce Australians to stereotypes because it's basically just a country of white males. I mean, if you ignore the people who lived their before the white males arrived. And I think Australian women fit snugly under the category of "white male."

Having a new member, Killer Frost, in the scene also allows Harley to explain how the Suicide Squad are forced to do Amanda's work due to the bombs in their heads. And now that that's all set up and everybody is on board with what the Suicide Squad is, how it functions, and who its members are, it's time for the Justice League!

I haven't read Batman's "I Am Suicide" story arc yet but to sum it up, it sounds like Amanda Waller downvoted one of Batman's comments on Reddit. Batman worked with her and the team to get something he wanted. But when he discovered Amanda broke into the Batcave and went through his shit, that was when he decided she needed to be punished. What better way than convincing the other members of the Justice League that she and her organization are exactly the kind of thing they should be fighting? Nobody really questions Batman's statement about working with her. I seriously doubt anybody questions Batman on anything anymore.

So basically the premise of this book will be that the Justice League tries to stop the Suicide Squad because they're bad. But then they realize they need to team up with the Suicide Squad because Max Lord's Super Suicide Squad is even worse. Afterward, the Justice League will realize the Suicide Squad has a place and maybe they're less bad and more of a gray area which the heroes can simply pretend doesn't exist. They won't like it but they won't deny the efficacy of Waller's program.

Cyborg interrupts Batman to say, "Speak of the devil!" He then points everybody to a monitor showing the current violence on Badhnisia. Time for the first huge fuckfight of the series!

Back on the island, Deadshot shoots Apex, the leader of the Brimstone Brotherhood, in the head and ends the mission. But not before Apex used the Quake Pulsar enough to cause structural damage all over the island. The building Deadshot was shooting from begins to collapse.

Finally! An actual suicide in a Suicide Squad comic book!


Dammit!

Just so everybody knows I'm not a complete and utter fool like it says in my future Wikipedia page, I typed up the code for the second image and the "Dammit" caption before turning the page and while scanning the image of Deadshot killing himself. Because we all knew what was going to happen there, amirite?

The rest of the Justice League save the innocent people who most people would have saved before saving Deadshot but Superman is special in that way that makes most people think, "I can't stand that fucking idiot."

Batman confronts the Suicide Squad and says, "What if we hadn't been here to stop that building from collapsing?" Whoa, whoa, whoa! That isn't on Deadshot or the rest of the Squad! That's on STAR Labs for not immediately reporting the stolen Quake Pulsar to the Justice League so that maybe they could stop this disaster from happening! What the fuck is going on at STAR Labs? Who the fuck is in charge of the dangerous earthquake devices that maybe STAR Labs shouldn't be creating in the first place? Maybe fire people who aren't ready to accept responsibility for their errors instead of pretending that the Quake Pulsar wasn't stolen at all and just covertly calling up one of their friends at Task Force X to see if they could resolve the problem on the DL?

Lame is an ableist term, you disgusting piece of human garbage that should immediately be thrown out of the Justice League and never given any kind of opportunity at a life again without the constant reminder that you once used an ableist term!

Waller commands Deadshot to not let the Justice League take them alive. I don't think Batman is going to be too happy about that. I hope the last panel of this entire series is just a silent panel of Bruce Wayne, Max Lord, and Amanda Waller enjoying appetizers at a Karaoke Bar in Gotham City.

The first major fuckfight begins and here are the double page spread match-ups and their probably results:

Wonder Woman vs Harley Quinn: Harley unconscious in one second. She may be smart and athletic but she's not super fast, super strong, super invulnerable, or super hot. I mean, okay, maybe these two match up well there.
Deadshot vs Batman: Batman wins on both the physicality of the encounter and the quips.
Captain Boomerang vs The Flash: Captain Boomerang wins because The Flash stops to say, "Missed me!", before remembering that boomerangs come back.
Simon Baz vs El Diablo: Simon Baz might not be the best Green Lantern but he's still a fucking Green Lantern. Simon Baz encloses El Diablo in an airtight bubble and extinguishes his flame.
Superman vs Enchantress: Enchantress uses magic and Superman doesn't hit women. He's fucked.
Jessica Cruz and Cyborg vs Killer Frost: I don't think this match-up matters. I think it was just the "Who do we have left?" match-up.
Aquaman vs Killer Croc: Oh, who cares?

Meanwhile, Max Lord is briefing his new team while his nose bleeds. I think that means he's controlling them with his mental powers so that they don't instantly kill him. His new team is composed of the Emerald Empress (who is in the 21st Century for who knows what reasons), Doctor Polaris (who appeared in Futures End which was in the future so, um, again...why is he here now?), Johnny Sorrow (who was like on a whole other world or something, wasn't he?! What is going on?!), Lobo (who isn't a twat anymore so at least that's good news even if everything is super confusing), and Rustam (who I can't remember if he's made an appearance since The New 52 began. I just searched my Blogger for "Rustam" and came up with nothing, so I guess he's still angry at Amanda Waller and the Suicide Squad from the Preboot universe). Apparently Max Lord thinks all of these villains will work for him because they hate Amanda Waller so much. Do they? I hope that's explained at some point! Anyway, Max Lord thinks he's going to save the world with this crew. I guess in Max's mind, "saving the world" and "destroying all humanity" are the same thing. He apparently doesn't understand that what people mean when they say "Save the world" or "Save the planet" is that they want to ensure a world where humans can continue to live well. He's taking the statement way too literally, I think!

The Ranking!
So far, so good! I like it in the way I like my comic books. It's sort of stupid with many of its premises but Lobo is in it.

Justice League #11

Oh boy. It's time for Bryan Hitch's take on the already told way too many times Amazo versus the Justice League story!

Amazo has the powers of the entire Justice League but has he ever used Aquaman's powers? Why would he need to? The League probably just assumes Amazo has Aquaman's powers for the sake of Aquaman's pride.

Superman: "Great Caesar's cow patties! Amazo is too fast utilizing Flash's speed!"
Wonder Woman: "And my punches can't get through his Green Lantern shielding!"
Batman: "Watch out for his Superman heat vision!"
Aquaman: "He's deflecting all the shrimp I throw at him with Wonder Woman's projectile deflection thing she does!"
Cyborg: "Oh, um, I hope he doesn't, um, you know, call forth some sharks or something with his Aquaman fish ta...."
The Flash: "Telekinesis! His sea creature telekinesis! He's tough enough without that super scary thing happening!"
Jessica Cruz: "What are you guys talking about? We're in Colorado! Who cares if he even has Aqua-powers!"
Simon Baz: "Yeah! I mean, why did we even bring Aquaman on this mission?"
Aquaman: *tears silently run down his face*

The best part about having Aquaman on the Justice League is when they go into space and the writer desperately searches for something he can add to the story so they usually have him communicate with the aliens because they have gills or fins on their heads or something. He's really just Justice League eye candy, isn't he?

The Justice League have been attacked in a neighborhood in Denver. Last issue, Batman mentioned they should probably take the fight elsewhere but do they even try? No. They just decide destroying the neighborhood and putting more people at risk as they fight to defend their lives is justified. They're as terrible as the Teen Titans.

This whole thing about collateral damage from super hero battles shouldn't even be a talking point. But because heroes no longer battle alien menaces or threats to the public safety and only seem to battle antagonists bent on destroying them, all collateral damage subsequently becomes the fault of the heroes simply existing. Why hasn't Batman created an Excel spreadsheet to calculate the pros and cons of the Justice League remaining in operation? I suppose he already has and just hit delete after realizing there was no way they were really protecting anybody. Superman alone should pull a Doctor Manhattan and just go live on Mars due to the multiple times he's been manipulated by super villains and threatened the world himself.

Why did bad writers have to make me so cynical of superhero comic books?! Fuck them all!

For one sweet second, I thought Maps Mizoguchi was working with the Justice League!

Yeah Flash! Evac the houses because the Justice League are about to set this fucking neighborhood on fire! No wonder Batman thought it was a logical when he believed a collateral damage victim had turned into a supervillain.

Scarecrow has decided to add a dance routine to his villainous monologue.

The guy in the background, James Palmer, knocks Scarecrow out with a baseball bat because he's afraid of losing his kids. Once Scarecrow is unconscious, his fear gas stops working and Batman comes to his senses. Unless Batman was just faking so James Palmer could find the hero within him! That's probably what was happening. I'd hate to think Bryan Hitch didn't know what he was doing.

While the Fearsome Five discover the Genie AI, The Flash has become The Midnighter. He's calculating odds and running scenarios and seeing patterns and figuring shit out because his brain works so fast. Barry decides the biggest threat is Major Disaster because he's forgotten that Amazo has shown up.

Probably?

The Flash decides to stop Major Disaster by knocking an unconscious Giganta on top of him. But if he still has his force field, it's not like that's going to put him out of commission. He can still think about making natural disasters while under Giganta's ass! Oh. I see. He's probably masturbating now. Good work, Flash!

Superman hasn't responded to help the Justice League because he's dealing with a Phantom Zone breakout. Apparently Genie did that too. Maybe Superman shouldn't keep the Phantom Zone attached to his wi-fi? Oh, you know what? It was probably hacked by the malicious code that was programmed onto photons and so invaded every single thing ever.

After a couple issues of fighting, the entire neighborhood is destroyed and not one villain is out of commission. Instead, they've got the Justice League and the Palmer family surrounded and they're ready to take Lily and her uPad with the Genie AI. Amazo has, frankly, not been a factor even though he was the big cliffhanger plot point at the end of the last issue. This is one of those situations where there's only one chance left!

This ten year old is as smart as Batman. Fuck you, DC Universe.

Lily hacks Amazo and turns him against the other villains, defeating them all instantly. So, um, Amazo is better with the Justice League's powers than the Justice League is? Batman awkwardly hides his sidekick boner while Alfred reacts to the "Sidekick Boner Alarm" he installed in Batman's underwear by preparing a speech to convince Batman that he's already put enough children in danger.

Alfred's speech had better be a doozy.

The Ranking!
-1! My favorite part of this story is how Lily, who really should know nothing about Amazo, comes up with a plan to hack Amazo at the same time Batman does. Isn't she just a precocious little precious ball of genius?! Apparently DC's favorite deus ex machina is young people. They can fucking do anything in the DC Universe! Fuck all that technobabble that used to be needed to explain away the science which saved the world. Now just introduce a teenager or pre-teen character who is labelled a genius and let them do whatever needs doing. Totally fucking believable and not overdone in any way at all. Just all around great character building!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #9

How am I supposed to stick to my pledge of seriousness when this is the fucking cover?!

Remember Convergence? It wasn't that long ago and it was terrible. It was awful. It was barely readable. Well it's back! The Green Lantern Corps have been placed inside yet another one of Brainiac's containers. At least this time they probably won't have to deal with DC's unresolved continuity issues. DC Comics really needs some serious therapy to figure out why they feel the need to constantly reboot their universe. Stop trying to make the perfect universe that makes absolute sense! Let shit get crazy and stupid. If at a later date you want to ignore some embarrassing hero somebody created, just fucking start ignoring it! There's no shame in taking control of your universe however you want. You don't owe the way-too-serious fangenders any answers! Stop trying to outguess the issues you think they're going to have with every move you make and just write interesting stories! Convergence sucked because it was an explanation masquerading as storytelling. It was a sloppy paint job on a car without an engine! You know what would have been better than Convergence? Just telling the writers to write whatever stories they want based on whatever continuity they wanted. Just open up the entire universe and let their imaginations run wild! Except for Scott Lobdell's imagination. You should probably put three or four editors on him and make sure they're telling him exactly what to write.

Humanoids with fins on their heads? Star fish conquerors? I never thought I'd say this but this looks like a job for Aquaman!

While the Green Lantern Corps and what's left of the Sinestro Corps are trapped in one of Brainiac's bottled worlds, Hal Jordan finds himself trapped in Emerald Space with Abin Sur. Is Emerald Space where Green Lanterns go to die? I don't think I'm going to get the answer to that question this issue (although if the question has already been answered in the past, I'm sure my secret source of Green Lantern knowledge will know it).

Back on Xudar, John Stewart realizes that the Starro spores must be in some kind of telepathic communication with Starro so he orders Green Lantern Rot Lop Fan to disrupt the communication. Rot Lop Fan does this by chanting his own terrible version of the Green Lantern Oath. "In loudest din or hush profound, my ears catch evil's slightest sound. Let those who toll out evil's knell, beware my power--the F-Sharp Bell!" I feel humiliated and depressed just retyping that! Rot Lop Fan doesn't even wear a Green Lantern Ring on his uniform; he's got a green bell. Who is this jerk and what makes him so special and completely annoying?

Rot Lop's F-Sharp Bell kills all of Starro's spores and saves the Xudarians. He also notices that the barrier is actually some kind of glass. That causes John to realize what's happened to them: they've been captured by Brainiac. Hopefully, seeing as how this is Rebirth, he doesn't remember Convergence and Futures End or else he might just kill himself rather than go through those bullshit stories a second time.

Back on Nok, Ganthet has summoned Kyle Rayner to save Hal Jordan's life. Hal is currently in the Emerald Space which seems to be inside his ring, or the green light of will in the emotional spectrum (which is, you know, in the ring!). So the White Lantern will bring Hal Jordan back to life. But Sinestro will have to find his own means of resurrection because you know there's no way he's going to stay dead!

The Ranking!
No change! Is it just me or do two books per month feel exactly like one book per month just spread out across forty pages?! Maybe it's just me and my need to rush through as many of these comic books as possible to put some kind of fucking dent in my comic book backlog! I'll get to really digressing and saying "fuck" a lot as soon as I get caught up and can take the time to do one comic book per day without falling into a reading deficit!

Wonder Woman #12

My gift to everybody this Christmas is that I'm going to treat these reviews seriously today. If you don't celebrate Christmas, just Google "inappropriate dick jokes" and sprinkle them throughout as you read.

Feminism is so important, guys. It's why books like this written by Greg Rucka are so important. He makes sure to always insert a bit of social commentary that points out terrible things the Patriarchy has taught people that it's okay to do. Like in one of the last ones, Diana asked Etta Candy if people still touch her hair. Like, OMG! Fuckers always going about trying to touch POC hair! That comment was like a kick to the neckbeard of the Patriarchy! Unless that just had to do with some other kind of social justice. Sometimes it's hard to keep it all straight! I mean sorted! I probably shouldn't use the term "straight" as a characteristic of order and keeping things proper because that perpetuates homophobia! Anyway, at least Rucka told that Frank Cho a thing or two about the length of Wonder Woman's skirt! I mean, I think it's okay to draw it short and to maybe see a little bit of Diana's undergarments if a woman draws it, or if a respectable man draws it. But Frank Cho draws all those pornographic covers so he totally had a major scolding and lecture coming!

This issue continues the Year One story arc. I'm glad it mentioned that on page two because I couldn't remember if this was continuing the story that takes place in the present or the one that took place in the past. I don't know why DC Comics doesn't put a summary page in their comics the way Marvel does. So what if all the Marvel fans start taunting DC Comics for copying something that Marvel does! Not only would it allow new readers to jump on board at any time, it will help older readers who can't remember anything they read a week prior! Plus it would stop people like Scott Lobdell wasting four pages each issue reminding readers what happened in the previous issue (and, usually, getting it all wrong anyway because he can't be bothered to take his job seriously).

Oh shit! I knew who Sappho was too! Does that mean everybody I've ever met that I told I knew Sappho thinks I'm a lesbian?

While Etta and Barbara investigate the terrorists, the Sear Group, Diana experiments with her new powers. Not only can she speak English now (thanks to her lasso), she can also talk to animals. Hmm, that's one more reason why Aquaman is just a redundant member of the Justice League. Steve Trevor learns that Wonder Woman left behind a female lover and when she's feeling vulnerable, he holds her hand! It might seem compassionate and romantic but I guarantee he had a semi growing in his pants. Guys are gross.

The Sear Group have a tattoo of a tree on their bodies. It's the tree that Diana saw on Paradise Island before leaving with Steve Trevor. It's the tree of knowledge with the serpent in it that bit her and drove her from her garden. It's all sorts of Christian imagery tied up in a tale of a Greek demi-goddess.

Wonder Woman interviews the Sear prisoners with her lasso and discovers they're forced to kill and destroy by some overarching will which they can't deny. It's about that time that Barbara realizes Sear is an anagram for ears. But then she crosses that out and notices it's also an anagram for Ares! And that's when Ares shows up to choke Steve Trevor and introduce himself to Wonder Woman. So I guess Ares as Wonder Woman's major antagonist is good enough for Rebirth Wonder Woman. Probably because he's a man who represents war. Those are like two of the main things Wonder Woman is destined to crush!

Well, maybe not all men! Just some men! Like, the really bro ones! But not the ones like me who say all of the right things when there are women in earshot!

The Ranking!
No change! I think I fucked up my Christmas promise and didn't take this as seriously as I meant to! In fact, I even sounded like I was mocking feminism! That was probably a poor choice for a review of Wonder Woman. Unless you're a jerko male who took what I was saying seriously and thought, "I should read more of this person's blog!" Then, yeah, I totally meant it and wasn't being snarky at all! But if you're a woman or a guy who wants women to take him seriously, I was totally just fooling around and being a huge idiot! You can't take anything I say seriously because I'm unable to tell the truth. Mostly it's because I can't help telling the truth as well and the only way to hide my true statements that I'm ashamed or embarrassed by is to sprinkle them in with a bunch of lies so nobody knows what I think at all!