Green Arrow #51

How much time did John Romita Jr. spend on researching how to draw a bow?

Rating: Has any other comic book been this consistently terrible and still made it past the fiftieth issue? How has this book survived for so long when it's been nearly unreadable since J.T. Krul handed in the script for the first issue (which I'm assuming was mostly scribbles, vomit, and tears)? I don't mind stories with a message. Stories are better with a message. But this comic book is mostly message with little story. The pages might as well be "Racism is bad!" printed over and over again. Green Arrow hasn't even been needed since Percy took over. Instead of using his bow and arrow, he's mostly just been attacking like a wild animal. Which, I suppose, makes sense since he's now Green Werewolf. Emiko is no better. She's just a font of Youthsplaining. If I wanted that, I'd just read my Tumblr dashboard. This comic book sucks.

I was going to post a trailer of The Bad News Bears on my Tumblr this week in celebration of its 40th anniversary but holy shit that trailer is awful. And I'm not even talking about the parts that would offend modern sensibilities like when the narrator says Buttermaker does the unforgivable by putting a girl on the team and then Tanner's reaction to that when he says, "Jews, spics, niggers, and now a girl?!" While the movie is terrific, the trailer is just plain awful. I imagine it's a product of its time but I don't really remember many trailers from the seventies. It's just a narrator giving a synopsis of the film seemingly with his own biases and interpretations of events thrown in. And not a single note from Carmen! I imagine either the music rights weren't secured when the trailer was made, or the music wasn't chosen yet. But it's so synonymous with the film now that the lack of the song is jarring.

Over at MTV's website in 2013, somebody named Amanda Bell wrote a brief "article" that's just a reaction to The Bad News Bears trailer. Actually, it's just a reaction of Tanner's string of racial epithets. Wait. Did I say "wrote"? Actually actually she just embedded a couple of reaction gifs. What she's trying to get across in her article is that a movie in 1976 created a trailer that could be seen in front of family friendly movies that wasn't family friendly at all. Yeah? Welcome to the fucking seventies! There's a reason past decades happen in the past. Or something. Maybe that wasn't as clear as I meant it to be. Maybe I wouldn't care about her "article" so much but she obviously doesn't understand storytelling and characterization. Because she puts the horrible quote on Timothy Lupus! That kid was the kindest, sweetest, greatest portrayal of a booger eating moron I've ever seen! He would never have said anything so uncouth! No, it was Tanner who said that, Amanda. Tanner. Maybe you should at least watch the movie before judging it by one line from one character! Plus, Tanner's degrading line is answered by Amanda with "Grab a bat, Punk!" She then proceeds to strike out the little bastard and prove to him that he's a lousy fucking baseball player and their team needs her. Also, Tanner's little list of racial slurs also tells you something else about the movie: it's got a fucking inclusive cast of heroes! And guess who the bad guys are? The white coach with his all white team of hot shots! This movie has 70s stink all over it. But like the recent Mad Magazine collection of 80s spoofs I picked up at Safeway says, "MAD Magazine reflects the sensibilities and language of the time in which it was first published. This content is reprinted without alteration for historical reference." Seeing how things were and in their proper context is much better than pretending those things never existed.

Currently Green Werewolf has decided to endanger his little sister's life by taking her to Africa to battle Douchéstork. Ollie and Slade are both looking for Doctor Miracle. Ollie wants Doctor Miracle's DNA inside of him to cure his Werewolf AIDS. Douchéstork wants Doctor Miracle because he's been paid to find him. That's the only reason Douchéstork does anything! Well, maybe he sometimes does things to protect his reputation. But he drags his feet and pouts a lot if he's not getting paid as well.

I was going to argue against this because I believe that people who hate based on differences are people mired in the past who can't adapt to a beautiful future of interracial relationships leading to a population of people who would eventually all look alike which would, ironically, really help those people to fit in! But then I remembered how stupid people really fucking hate me and I thought, "Oh yeah! People do hate people different than themselves!"

If you've ever questioned somebody's common sense, or proclaimed that you have common sense, just stop. Because what you're actually doing is telling people you're a moron. "That uppity jerk may have read half of The Grapes of Wrath but does he have common sense? Probably not!" Also you might want to stop bragging about being intuitive. The more you think you're intuitive, the more you project your beliefs on situations which causes you to read the situation wrong. But since you believe you have a great intuition, you'll never be convinced that the situation isn't the way you believed it was. People with "great intuition" tend to have more fallings out with friends and family than people who actually trust and respect the statements of their friends and family. When it is confirmed that your intuition was correct in any given situation, realize that it wasn't your gut speaking to you and mystically revealing the way things were. How you figured it out is even better than intuition and should be embraced for what it was! You took various clues pertaining to the situation and logically worked them out in your brain to come up with a plausible scenario which wound up being accurate. Why would people rather be "intuitive" than fucking "observant"?!

Green Werewolf has come to the conclusion that you can't cure hate. Nonsense! Isn't knowledge and travel supposed to cure hate? Or is that ignorance? I suppose they're basically the same thing.

I think this guy stumbled upon an Insane Clown Posse gig and culturally appropriated that.

Great. Previously Percy has lectured the readers on racism, corrupt cops, racism, and racism. Now he's going to lecture us on cultural appropriation! It might be an interesting story if it were a subtle, fictionalized reversal of typical American cultural appropriation. But I'm already bored when he begins by saying, "This is a story about cultural appropriation. See how the bad guy appears and spells it out for everybody? I suppose I could have masked the bad guy's cultural appropriation in the same way I masked racism in my Werewolf AIDS story where the minorities are 'monsters' and the racists are 'rich white American presidents'. But this is too important a message to make it subtle and interesting! I want Tumblr to know that I get what they're saying no matter how shrill and incoherent they generally are! I'm with them! I'm a white guy from Eugene, Oregon, man! I get it! I get it!"

"On the one hand, I hear you! We've all known for quite a long time that white dreads were terrible. But now we have an accepted reason for bullying anybody sporting them! On the other hand, you're crazy! Because being mean to individuals without knowing the history and context of the individual's life is simply a means of creating a new kind of power with which to abuse others."

Green Werewolf wants to sympathize with Mister White because cultural appropriation is the worst thing in the world ever (apparently). But since Mister White is using the playbook of white imperialists, Green Arrow can't sympathize with him at all! Plus Mister White wants to sell Ollie and Emiko and George into slavery so he's going to have to fight against that even if he winds up seeming racist doing so. I don't believe that he would but I'm sure somebody could make an argument for it somehow. Like how a black man is actually succeeding and a rich white man just can't have it. It sure would be easier if Douchéstork would just show up to beat up the black guys. It's okay if he appears racist.

The best part of this issue so far is the map of Africa that looks like a skull and Doctor Miracle's shirt of Africa that looks like a hand giving a peace sign. Unless it's flipping the British bird? Maybe it's a foot with two horribly deformed toes? Whatever the case, it's Doctor Miracle's shirt. Which means Ollie has found Doctor Miracle! Which means Douchéstork will be rescuing everybody shortly!

Doctor Miracle's tongue is cut and he makes out with a woman whose arm Ollie broke. Her arm heals, she claims it's a miracle, and in the next panel, some guard outside the tent is saying, "I could shoot the tail off a giraffe at fifty yards." First off, that was a shitty scene change. Second, shouldn't he be using meters instead of yards? Of course, this means that Douchéstork is about to arrive and culturally appropriate these sons of bitches!

He just killed the guys he's asking that question.

Douchéstork increases his kill count by about 19 people bringing it up to 962, give or take a dozen. One of those people is Mister White. Douchéstork does not kill him while saying, "Culturally appropriate this!" Another one of his kills is Green Werewolf. But I have a feeling that kill won't take so I'm not adding it to Slade's kill count.

Batman Beyond #11

Batman Beyond Thunderdome.

Rating: I don't know why I read superhero comic books anymore because they rarely ever tell stories that touch me in any meaningful way. And it's not like I get excited about the adventure of it all. I suppose most of the entertainment I consume is like that though. There's a lot of shallow shit out there. Don't get me wrong. A lot of it is entertaining. But I like to read stuff that means something every now and then. Batman Beyond isn't that. But it's also not bad. It does what it's supposed to do which is present a comic book adventure in the future DC Universe. It's not a great future but it's, at least, a lot more interesting than Futures End was making it.

It's been eleven issues of this and forty-eight issues of Futures End and I still don't know why Batman Beyond had to become Tim Drake. Poor Terry McGinnis. Let's pour one out for Terry! Oh shit. I just spilled my tea on my carpet. I got too into the moment! I don't know why since I never cared about Terry McGinnis. Come to think of it, I never cared about Tim Drake either! So it doesn't really matter to me as long as everybody just keeps calling him Batman.

Neo-Gotham has survived the machinations of Brother Eye. But now they have to weather their next crisis: a flood of refugees! The refugees were angry that they weren't getting immediate relief from the meager stocks of food and medicine within Neo-Gotham's walls so they've stormed the city and declared everything theirs. That seems like a solution that's only going to cause more problems. Now that the outside refugees have stormed their way in and taken over, how are they themselves going to split up the food and medicine? If the informal leader doesn't give as much to the next asshole as that asshole believes he deserves, who's to say he's wrong for rising up and taking as much as he needs from the new refugee leader? People really should think through the logic of their decisions instead of letting fear, greed, and desire rule their choices. Because now they have no moral ground to stand upon when somebody with more weapons comes along and demands they're given all that they want. How has civilization even survived this long when it seems there are two main rules: fight for what you want and fight to keep what you have. What a fucking hassle. I'd rather be dead.

I mean, I don't want to be dead! But the push and pull of need and desire isn't quite strong enough to be upsetting in my current life. Although last night I had some really weird anxiety dreams about not feeling safe enough within my own home. Eventually that dream led to a huge party with a dessert buffet and me trying to convince some friend I didn't recognize that I wasn't stealing pages from his prescription pad. Then Jason Priestley almost hit me as he drove through the room in a blue convertible. I wasn't wondering what had become of Jason Priestley but apparently his agent has now booked him for brief appearances in people's dreams.

Meanwhile in Metropolis (not Neo-Metropolis because I don't know why), Batman Beyond has seemingly been killed by a mind-controlled Justice League: Z-Listers. That's probably not true though. It's just a plot device to ratchet up the tension to an unbearable level. I'm so fucking worried I can't even pucker my ass.

Oh thank God*! I have full control of my ass again! *Use of the term "God" does not constitute belief in said being.

Terry's brother Matt shows Tim the secret weapon he's found in a stasis tube: Superman! Boy, I sure hope releasing him doesn't turn into a whole Batman Beyond v Superman Beyond: Future Dawn of Justice thing!

Batman Beyond (whom I really should learn to simply refer to as Batman) goes right back out to continue battling the Justice League: Z-Listers because they've decided to keep destroying Metropolis. That seems like a good idea since Tim just got his ass handed back to him by them. I suppose now that he had a brief respite, he's ready to get back into the action! Plus that whole cliffhanger with his death was resolved so no reason to not get back to the action now.

The Animal-man hybrids rebel against Doctor Evilguy and smash his Techno-manipulation device. But who cares about how the Justice League: Z-Listers plus Superman have now gotten their own minds back! There's a big double-page advert for a Hanna-Barbera comic called FutureQuest by Jeff Parker and Evan Shaner! It stars the Herculoids as well as some others you may have heard of but I don't care about as much as The Herculoids. Blue Falcon and Dynomutt aren't in this advertisement but I'm hoping they eventually join the crew. Maybe I should send Jeff Parker a Tweet to remind him about their existence and how I'll keep reminding him every day until they show up.

Batman introduces himself to Superman as Tim Drake and Superman introduces himself as Jon. I hope I like him better as an adult than as that little rascal from Lois and Clark.

I wonder if I should read the new Scooby Doo book as well. It's by Giffen and DeMatteis so I might just purchase it to turn into a drinking game.

Superman heads over to Neo-Gotham to lecture everybody about how to live their lives. What a fucking Douchéstork. He disappears for the entire Brother Eye war and now he thinks he can return to tell everybody how to live their lives? I hope everybody still hates him!

Nope, they all must love him because the riots stop even though not everybody has the food they need. I guess they trust Superman to get around to feeding them after he's done celebrating with the Justice League. Meanwhile, that Rewire guy is all, "Fucking fuck. Fucking League fuckers. Fuck them fuckers." But he's got a boss who is all, "Don't sweat it, bro! We got this!"

Daredevil #5

Is this guy The Hand who The Hand are named for?!

I probably know a little bit more about Daredevil than the average person on the street who doesn't respond to "Daredevil" with "Evel Knieval?" I did have the Daredevil Secret Wars figure when I was younger. You know, the one with the secret shield cheap-ass hologram thing? I also had Wolverine. I probably made Daredevil bump into things a lot. I'm sure his stick (as well as Wolverine's claws) wound up mixed in with all of my Star Wars figure weapons. It's also possible I just gave Wolverine's claws to a Batman figure.

I appreciate that Marvel Comics prints up the Synopsis Page at the beginning of each of their comic books. Why DC doesn't do this, I have no idea. They do realize that a large majority of their fans are at that age where memory isn't everything it used to be. Also I'd rather have the previous issue of Teen Titans summarized for me before reading the new one so that I don't have to actually waste any brain space remembering that garbage.

Daredevil has become a prosecutor which I guess is new? He's always been a defense attorney before this? I guess? So now he's trying to beat up criminals so the cops can arrest them so that he can send them to prison in the courtroom! Now he just needs to get a job pulling the switch on the electric chair and he'll have a monopoly on justice!

Currently Daredevil is trying to get Tenfingers behind bars but his job has become complicated by The Hand butting in. They want to kill Tenfingers for stealing their special hand lotion and Daredevil doesn't like the idea of killing. I know that because I saw the second season of Daredevil on Netflix and Daredevil was constantly going, "No Punisher! Don't kill those people! Stop it, you big brute!"

Oh, this guy is named The Fist. Don't all the hand references get tiresome after awhile? And how many more can even be made at this point? We've got Tenfingers, The Hand, and The Fist. I guess Open Palm and Jerk-off Motion haven't been used yet.

I bet there is at least one Hand Ninja who always cracks himself up when starting a mission by saying, "This looks like a job for The Hand!"

I'm not one to engage in all the DC versus Marvel fanboy nonsense but I'm offering this to anybody to use on a forum when someone says that DC is too silly or unrealistic. Just reply with this image from the Marvel Universe!

Blindspot is locked in Tenfingers' temple along with The Fist so he sends a Tweet asking his followers to all say "Daredevil. The temple." Matt gets the message and rushes off suspiciously. Although it's not really suspicious because nobody would ever believe a blind guy is actually Daredevil! I'm reading it and I know it's a comic book and I know it's in a universe with Galactus and The Hulk and Batroc the Leaper, and I barely believe it!

Anyway, there's a battle and Tenfingers is killed and Daredevil saves some people and Blindspot saves more people and that's the end of that story. Next, Electra! Unless it's Elektra because she's Greek!

Justice League of America #8

It's a Neal Adams variant and a Batman v Superman variant all in one!

Rating: If you don't like a story telling you that your spiritual belief is dumb through allegory, you might want to skip this comic book. I suppose you can pretend that the story is about everybody else's false beliefs and has nothing to do with yours. Religious people are pretty good at doing that. So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this will entertain you because you can see a bunch of people believing in a false god get their comeuppance! Stupid followers of Rao! Don't they know that ________ is the only real God! Just insert the name of your preferred god in that line because I don't care which one you think is real since none of them actually are.

• Previously on JLA SVU, Superman flew The Church of Rao into the moon. It was kind of a dick move because everybody seems happy with the Church of Rao and who is Superman to deny them their happiness? Sure, everybody is being mind-controlled at a genetic level (or something! I'm not a scientist or psychic!) but why should that matter? They chose to be happy (except the ones who didn't choose and were forced but then they were happy so what's the difference, right?)! And nobody has the right to tell anybody else that their choice of religion is stupid. Apparently. I mean, I'm keeping that right because everybody's choice of religion is stupid. And, once again, it's not really a choice. At least it's very rarely a choice. Everybody in the real world who believes in religion has been brainwashed which is mind-control-lite.

• Responding to that statement with "I am not brainwashed!" is exactly what somebody who was brainwashed would say!

• My favorite religion is Scientology because it's so utterly ridiculous that even people who have their own utterly ridiculous religious beliefs sputter and shake their heads and say, "Holy fucking Christ, that shit is ridiculous!" Is that how religious people talk? It's also possible they say, "By Allah! Scientology! What a fucking joke!" I think there are some other religions I could pretend to quote but I don't want to get in trouble with the last People of the Book because I've heard that they control everything.

• Superman and Rao battle each other back to Earth. This would make a good script for Rocky X.

• Superman learns that by beating on Rao, he's just hurting Rao's believers on Earth. Because the entire point of Rao's religion is so he can live forever by using up the life forces of his worshipers. That means Superman can't solve this problem by punching it as hard as he can. Oh well. I guess Earth is fucked.

• Oh wait! I forgot this was a Justice League comic book! That means Batman is still around to save the day. Or one of the other ones. Except for Aquaman.

• Dammit! I just said you can't help, dum-dum!

• Stupid Aquaman! He just stabbed millions of Earthlings in the back with his trident! I guess the rest of the League always forget about him and didn't keep him in the loop about Rao's plan!

• Superman stops Aquaman and Wonder Woman from killing Rao before they actually kill everybody on Earth.

• See?! Not in the loop!

• Batman and Cyborg have a plan that probably involves Parasite. They BOOM TUBE Rao and the others to the power plant where The Infinity Corporation first tricked them into battling Parasite before Rao showed up.

• The Flash is probably attending Woodstock right now. And Green Lantern is dillydallying on Ancient Krypton.

• The plan does indeed involve Parasite sucking Rao dry. Which I guess means sucking the people of Earth dry. But they'll get over it! I think?

• The Flash comes back just in time to add his power to The Parasite. Batman tells him to give Parasite access to the Speed Force and Barry is all, "Sure! Never question Batman!"

• Seriously. Never question Batman.

• Once Rao has enough power, Cyborg does the thing that is the plan and defibrillates all of Rao's followers which knocks them back to their senses. At least the senses they had which still allowed them to believe in Jesus or Allah or Yahweh or one of the other ones.

• The Justice League are knocked silly long enough for Rao to wander away to the Infinity Corporation where the Oblivion Stones are being held. Unless the stones are called something else. I can't remember.

• Superman has died in the battle. Which is bad news because the Infinity Corporation came to stop Superman dying in this universe just like he's been dying in every other universe. Basically they just helped cause the thing they were trying to stop. Welcome to the world of prophecy and time travel, dum-dums!

Aquaman #50

I think it's more important to proclaim that I liked this movie than that I support Bernie Sanders.

Rating: This issue had a whole lot more misses than hits throughout. But that mostly had to do with the Aquaman part of the story where he battled a new foe named Dead Water. FBI Agents Irving and Ajar were a highlight. Weren't they also in Resurrection Man? As bad guys! I mean girls! I mean ladies? Um, anyway, the part of this issue which really shone was Mera giving the press conference. It's nice to see her defending Aquaman and Atlantis in a more lighthearted, joyful, charitable way. Acting as a diplomat looks good on her. Plus if anybody gets out of line, she can kick their asses. That would look good on her too. Hell, everything looks good on Mera! You know, now that Aquaman has had 50 issues, and since this book is really about Arthur and Mera, maybe the next 50 issues can be called Aquawoman?

• The only thing I really remember about Issue #49 was that Mera changed her costume so she'd look less like a Xebel Princess and more like an Aquaman fan at Comic-con.

• I didn't pay attention to the names on the cover so imagine my surprise when I looked at the first page, had a mini-stroke, vomited down the front of my shirt, fell out of my chair, twitched for maybe five minutes, and groaned, "Booooooooooooooth."

• This issue begins with the victim of a shark attack found on top of a skyscraper. As expected, lots of Jaws quotes get floated about. But one of the FBI agents makes sure to act annoyed by them because nobody takes shark attacks seriously anymore. It's just a bunch of jerks one-upping each other with Jaws quotes!

• The credits label Brett Booth as the "Guest Penciller". That's a relief!

• Brett Booth's art has gone a long way to put me off Dan Abnett's writing. I was truly appreciative of the changes he was making last issue, wasn't I? Now I can't get through a panel without rolling my eyes. Not to mention all the clean shirts I'm going through from all the vomiting caused by the art.

• Aquaman and Mera's new diplomatic outreach program to the surface world is going to have to wait while Aquaman solves the Land Shark murder for the FBI.

• Spindrift Station, the Atlantean Embassy on land, looks like a picked scab.

• Can somebody send Brett Booth a note that says "Bigger eyes; shorter legs"?

Either Aquaman doesn't know what "infinitesimally" means or I'm completely misunderstanding his statement. Bonus Feature: long legs!

• Aquaman investigates the scene of the last murder when he's attacked by a sea serpent which appears out of nowhere.

• Hey! Guess what happens because a Land Shark begins attacking everybody and the media labelled it an "Atlantean Monster"?! The populace turns on Aquaman and the Atlanteans! Oh no! Just when Aquaman was trying to build bridges!

• I've seen less heavy handed stories about prejudice in Church of Latter Day Saints commercials or Department of Health, Education, and Welfare Public Service Announcements.

• The monster, Dead Water, teleports Aquaman back to where it came from. It's an underwater place. But not typical underwater! This is a different variant of water! It's an Other Water! One of the "infinitesimal" variants of water! I know that doesn't make any sense but it's all I have to work with!

• Aquaman defeats Dead Water but not by killing him because Dead Water is just a human victim of the Other Water.

• Aquaman takes him to Spindrift Station to imprison him. But who will imprison Aquaman when the Other Water turns him into a monster?!

• The issue ends with Mera presenting herself as the liaison between the land and the sea. And she's really good at it because she's the best Aquaperson in the DC You.

We Are Robin #10

Rating: Currently I have this ranked in the "Worth reading if you're into the characters" category but I'm not sure it belongs there. How can one be into the characters if they're brand new? I guess you should know if you're into them or not by issue ten, right? But I still find this comic book a bit bland and a lot uninteresting. But I just can't drop it into the "Worst of DC" category because that's saying it's as poorly written as something by Scott Lobdell, Ann Nocenti, JT Krul, Howard Mackie, Tom DeFalco, or Cullen Bunn. And I just can't do that to Lee Bermejo. Yet! I have done it to Peter Tomasi but that's because he allowed himself to get wrapped up in the Superman "Truth" story arc. And nobody got out of being sprayed by feces from that mess.

P.S. I wrote all of the previous rating stuff before reading this issue. I really enjoyed this issue! Both the writing and the art!

• This comic book feels like it should be part of the Batman Beyond world. I think that's its major failing. This isn't a comic book that should be in the present continuity. It should take place in a future world where crime is rampant and out of control and a bunch of kids stumble upon the broken case containing Jason Todd's old uniform. They've grown up with legends of a young kid who used to fight at the side of the Bat and upon discovering the costume, are inspired to make their own costumes based on Todd's old outfit. Suddenly Robins spring up everywhere around Gotham. It would also make more sense for Alfred Pennyworth to be helping them at this point. Senile and heartbroken after Batman lost trust in him after the Endgame debacle, he's now nearly 100 years old when he begins seeing Robins all over the city. He's not sure if they're real or not but he begins to help them in any way he can, treating them like his own children. That makes this book better, right?

• This issue must have been reading over my shoulder about how a person can't really be into these characters since they're so new because it begins with Shug-R who I totally forgot I had a huge crush on. Well played, We Are Robin.

• This panel gave me a huge sugar rush. And by 'sugar rush', I mean 'boner'. And by 'huge', I mean 'average'.

• Shug-R is trying to lose weight. Oh, come on, Shug! Stop it. Don't lose weight just because comic book artists can't draw anything but hot women. Although if you're really uncomfortable with your weight and dropping a few pounds will mean I'll get to see you in more scenes than just sitting behind your laptop, I'm cool with it. Whatever you desire, hon! I've got your back!

• Mmm, Shug-R's back.

• Smiley's family life has been unsatisfactory. He was not a parent's wet dream. So now he's a clown.

• Riko and Izzy and Duke are all having horrible lives. I bet that drives them back into Robinning!

• Dre has been going out as Lone Wolf fighting crime. Dax has been building Grappling Guns and will probably be sued by Waynetech over the patent.

• This is DC. It would be weird if he didn't have Daddy Issues.

• The Robins tentatively begin reforming in order to stop Smiley and his clowns from terrorizing Gotham. I guess the Robin Laws are still in effect so they're trying to be cautious in their investigating. But they're all going to be wearing Red and Green and Yellow soon. Although they'd better hurry before Rebirth cancels this book.

• When Dre goes undercover with Smiley's Clowns, and Dax calls on everybody to help him out, and Duke and Riko get caught in school when Smiley's Jokers attack it...well, that's probably the beginning of the team back together. Now hopefully Shug-R will get out of the house and in on the action next issue.

Cyborg #9

Victor beat Billy at table tennis so Billy said, "Let's see you in a mystical fist fight!"

Rating: This series is much better than the first story arc although not by a lot because it's all been tainted by how boring the first six or seven issues were. Cyborg's dialogue is still that of a witless blowhard but at least he isn't telling jokes which he (or another character) then has to explain are jokes because they're not very joke-like. I'm sorry to say that I still don't think this comic book is worth picking up no matter how badly DC Comics wants Cyborg to become their next big moneymaking character. I wonder how many people were confused by the Silas Stone video in Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us? I guess Cyborg is more mainstream than I give him credit for since he was part of Cartoon Network's Teen Titans cartoon for years. Did anybody else think he sort of acted like the fifth Ninja Turtle in that cartoon?

• Everybody is making pretend spoiler jokes about The Walking Dead finale so here's mine: Hurley wakes up in the mental hospital and realizes it was all a wet dream.

• No wait! Here's my The Walking Dead fake finale spoiler: fan of the comic book series continues to buy the trades even though they're getting more and more boring and Charlie Adlard is still drawing the art. How many times do I have to read two or three pages about a character before some other character finally calls them by name so I can quizzically say, "Oh! That's who that was?!"

• Currently, Cyborg is being hassled by the government because he has "unregulated technology". I mean, he is unregulated technology? It doesn't really matter. The main thing to focus on is that the government is, once again, being a bunch of Douchéstorks. Here's how government apparently works: a bunch of ignorant people become frightened of something that causes sadness, corporations see an opportunity to make a ton of money by playing on this fear and lobby the government for laws that will help calm the populace while also increasing their revenue in some way, government officials receive generous kickbacks to get the proposed laws on the book, some weird fucking kid has a hallucination on the steps of congress, and the bill becomes a law! Everybody has a new illusion of safety! Hooray!

• If you read the last bullet point and came away with the idea that I'm anti-government, you couldn't be more wrong. The government serves many important functions and should actually serve a bunch more for the real comfort and safety of the people. It's the politicians and their fervent, idiotic bases who would rather be angry and ignorant than knowledgeable and happy whom I despise.

• The government has brought Captain Marvel along to arrest Cyborg because he's obviously quite dangerous being a black man. I mean, a man with unregistered cybertechnology who will be treated like any other white guy with the same technology. Except that's not true, is it? The white guy with unregistered cybertechnology was offered a job with the government. The black guy is getting hassled and physically attacked!

• This issue is called "Pub Lice Nemy #1". I don't get it.

• Forty-five days ago, Cyborg told the Justice League, "I'm a fucking member of this League, right? So for once, you're going to deal with my fucking problems! And don't think you're going to run off on some Superman or Batman adventure while dealing with my problems! I'm calling Dibs, you fuckers! Stop treating me like a junior member of this squad! I mean league!"

• It might not be a bad idea to have Cyborg join the Suicide Squad. It needs a Rick Flag-esque ethical compass on it!

• After the flashback, the narrative returns to Captain Marvel and Cyborg's fistfight. But with a sly wink and a touch to the side of the nose to the reader! Because now we know this is all show! Probably.

• See? Just like I explained earlier!

• Forty days ago, Cyborg and Batman hung out in the Batcave exchanging knowing glances as they did all sorts of illegal things. But illegal in a good way because they're good guys! Duh!

• Also in that scene in the Batcave, Cyborg shows some non-exciting reasons why he's useful. Like how he can read legislation in a nanosecond and point out the bits that are important to their case. I think that used to be one of Alfred's jobs!

• Batman and Cyborg discover that anybody with any kind of cybernetic implant will be controllable by the government if the legislation passes. Also, Cyber-Tech's CEO and shareholders will become filthy rich. Cyber-Tech's employees will have to figure out their own health insurance and 401K because the company has to pay so many taxes!

• Why is Superman acting like the government hasn't tried to do the same thing to him multiple times? And why is Wonder Woman being such a dick about it?

• Cyborg casually tells Superman that he could murder him in less than five seconds. Dude! Chill!

• Cyborg tells everybody his plan to defeat the American government and then shows his friends his penis.

They likey!

• "Showing them his penis" is a euphemism for revealing that he can turn into a human and not a joke about something that's bigger than a breadbox and can be put in my mouth. It's also a reference to how the Cyborg character had issues with being an emasculated black male made safe for white consumption by destroying his genitals. Kind of like how that rich white asshole Santa Claus had his elf pull out all of the teeth of the Abominable Snowman and then put it in chains. Fucking Rudolf. I can't believe that racist propaganda is shown every year! And don't think I don't know what Rankin and Bass really meant when they were calling the Abominable Snowman a "bumble"! Bastards!

• If anybody has read That Cavortin' Bastard's rant on Rudolf and is now thinking, "Christ, Tess! You just stole all of those revelations from That Bastard!", you should realize that I wrote that.

• Cyborg's big plan was to get caught by the government. And it's successful! I guess he just needed the Justice League to stay out of it so he could destroy Cyber-Tech from within.