Teen Titans #15

But I already ended the Robin War by reading Robin War #2!

An old man in a dusty cowboy hat sits on a park bench. So skinny and frail, his dusty jacket and faded jeans hang off him like he were a wire hanger. He seems sort of folded up on himself as he mutters and spits. He glances up for a second, tears plainly seen streaking down his face. "I miss mah fuckin' horse," he mutters. "Fif'een years she been with me. Going where I gone. Nuzzling mah shoulder when I cain't hardly stand ta look mahself in the mirror. Fuck. Fuckin' miss her, is all." He spits and scuffs his boot across the pavement in front him, tracing some kind of symbol only he recognizes. "It's jus' I ain't got room in mah life for many people, see? So she was important. So important. My bes' friend, I reckon. Might seem sad to some but then mos' persons let lotsa other persons inta their life. I ain't never been lonely nor needed nobody much, reckon. She were all I need, I guess." He spits again and reaches his right hand across his midsection to scratch somewhere beneath the layers of dust and clothes. "Trail jus' don't have the allure it use ta, ya know? It were already tough goin' ever' day even with her by my side, leadin' me on cause she always knowed there be good grass somewheres up ahead. Even if I doubtin' it, she never did. Cause dere always were. Never fail. But what was there ever fer me, see? I never thought to look. Where were I goin' aside from gettin' my horse ta the nex' green patch? I jus' got no more reason ta move on. At leastways, I got no hurry, I reckon. The trail always gonna be temptin' me but it jus' ain't never gonna be the same. And I ain't got no reason to fuckin' hurry, see?" He pauses and looks down as his hands seem to wrestle with each other. He sniffs and his body hitches and he begins to sob.

"It jus' ain't fuckin' right. What I'da gave fer jus' a another year, mayhap. Another few miles. Another few pastures. What good am I now without my best friend?" He wipes at his face and the dirt and dust on his hands turns dark and muddy. He beats his hands against his jeans a bit and coughs from the cloud of unsettled dust. "Well, Francis, better get on, I guess. Cain't sit hyar feelin' sorry fer my old bones forever, hunh? You've lost horses afore, ya know ya did." He reaches out to grip the armrest and begins to pull himself up to a standing position. He wobbles uncertainly for a few seconds before finally standing as erect as he'll ever be. A short and surprising laugh scratches out of his throat and he says, "Mayhap, mayhap. But never lost a horse like that one. Soulmate, I s'pect. Ha! Gettin' too fuckin' sentimental in my old age." He glances up and looks you right in the eye. "It's been good, ya know? Sharin' the trail with you. Real good. But I think we outta part company hyar. I jus'...well, I jus'...I guess my heart's jus' too broke to keep on this hyar trail. Gonna find a new way, reckon. You take care, see?" He smiles, you think, then turns and totters away down the path. He stops after a few feet and pats the pocket on his beige duster while mumbling something incomprehensible. He reaches into the pocket, snorts, and tosses a carrot to the side of the path before lighting out for a new territory.

Teen Titans #15 Rating: You know how I feel about this comic book. It's awful. Anyway, that's about all I've got in me. I want to thank everybody who read these commentaries and understood how truly not serious any of it was. For those who didn't get the joke, fuck off. Kidding! No, I'm not. Seriously, fuck off. I'll still be around reading comics and posting stupid panels to Tumblr, I'm sure. But I've got other shit to do and it's time to just let this project go. Thanks for commenting, commenters! And a special thanks to Artya, wherever he wound up, for...well, for whatever. Being the first, I guess.

For Judas. Thanks for hanging out with me while I read comics, buddy!

Teen Titans #15

But I already ended the Robin War by reading Robin War #2!

An old man in a dusty cowboy hat sits on a park bench. So skinny and frail, his dusty jacket and faded jeans hang off him like he were a wire hanger. He seems sort of folded up on himself as he mutters and spits. He glances up for a second, tears plainly seen streaking down his face. "I miss mah fuckin' horse," he mutters. "Fif'een years she been with me. Going where I gone. Nuzzling mah shoulder when I cain't hardly stand ta look mahself in the mirror. Fuck. Fuckin' miss her, is all." He spits and scuffs his boot across the pavement in front him, tracing some kind of symbol only he recognizes. "It's jus' I ain't got room in mah life for many people, see? So she was important. So important. My bes' friend, I reckon. Might seem sad to some but then mos' persons let lotsa other persons inta their life. I ain't never been lonely nor needed nobody much, reckon. She were all I need, I guess." He spits again and reaches his right hand across his midsection to scratch somewhere beneath the layers of dust and clothes. "Trail jus' don't have the allure it use ta, ya know? It were already tough goin' ever' day even with her by my side, leadin' me on cause she always knowed there be good grass somewheres up ahead. Even if I doubtin' it, she never did. Cause dere always were. Never fail. But what was there ever fer me, see? I never thought to look. Where were I goin' aside from gettin' my horse ta the nex' green patch? I jus' got no more reason ta move on. At leastways, I got no hurry, I reckon. The trail always gonna be temptin' me but it jus' ain't never gonna be the same. And I ain't got no reason to fuckin' hurry, see?" He pauses and looks down as his hands seem to wrestle with each other. He sniffs and his body hitches and he begins to sob.

"It jus' ain't fuckin' right. What I'da gave fer jus' a another year, mayhap. Another few miles. Another few pastures. What good am I now without my best friend?" He wipes at his face and the dirt and dust on his hands turns dark and muddy. He beats his hands against his jeans a bit and coughs from the cloud of unsettled dust. "Well, Francis, better get on, I guess. Cain't sit hyar feelin' sorry fer my old bones forever, hunh? You've lost horses afore, ya know ya did." He reaches out to grip the armrest and begins to pull himself up to a standing position. He wobbles uncertainly for a few seconds before finally standing as erect as he'll ever be. A short and surprising laugh scratches out of his throat and he says, "Mayhap, mayhap. But never lost a horse like that one. Soulmate, I s'pect. Ha! Gettin' too fuckin' sentimental in my old age." He glances up and looks you right in the eye. "It's been good, ya know? Sharin' the trail with you. Real good. But I think we outta part company hyar. I jus'...well, I jus'...I guess my heart's jus' too broke to keep on this hyar trail. Gonna find a new way, reckon. You take care, see?" He smiles, you think, then turns and totters away down the path. He stops after a few feet and pats the pocket on his beige duster while mumbling something incomprehensible. He reaches into the pocket, snorts, and tosses a carrot to the side of the path before lighting out for a new territory.

Teen Titans #15 Rating: You know how I feel about this comic book. It's awful. Anyway, that's about all I've got in me. I want to thank everybody who read these commentaries and understood how truly not serious any of it was. For those who didn't get the joke, fuck off. Kidding! No, I'm not. Seriously, fuck off. I'll still be around reading comics and posting stupid panels to Tumblr, I'm sure. But I've got other shit to do and it's time to just let this project go. Thanks for commenting, commenters! And a special thanks to Artya, wherever he wound up, for...well, for whatever. Being the first, I guess.

For Judas. Thanks for hanging out with me while I read comics, buddy!

Bombshells #7

Quietly thinks disgusting thoughts because whistling would be inappropriate.

Rating: +1 Ranking. How many synonyms for cute are there? Like five? Use all of them for this. And I'm not just being patronizing to all the little Batgirls in this comic book. I'm also being patronizing to the Batboys. Adorable! Oh! That's six synonyms!

Cyborg #6

Cyborg is looking down to make sure his peener looks normal. And by "normal," I mean "super fucking huge and delicious.

Rating: No change. The initial story arc has been so boring that I've overused the word "boring" in all of my reviews. That doesn't mean there wasn't a point to it. It's just that a story could have been developed to deliver the message: Cyborg definitely has a penis. Although Cyborg just became comfortable with being a walking soda machine and now he can look human again if he wants. But looking human isn't special and I think Cyborg has become accustomed to standing out in a crowd. So now he's got to get used to being just another boring person! Although a boring person who can regrow his penis if he loses it inside of a vagina with teeth. Some vaginas have teeth, right?

Aquaman #47

Why is Hal Jordan suddenly back on Earth and acting like a normal Green Lantern? Why did DC just abandon Simon Baz?!

Last issue ended with Amnesty Bay being attacked by Thule. This issue begins with Aquaman ready to defend Amnesty Bay alongside Wonder Woman. I guess Aquadog sent out the Aquasignal!

The first thing I notice is a note that says this story takes place before Batman #40. That's convenient! I'm not going to do the research but I'm pretty sure if I dug deep enough, Aquaman's and Wonder Woman's new costumes existing before Bruce Wayne's "death" will probably cause the entire timeline to unravel. But anything for the sake of having real Batman in this issue! And Hal Jordan thrown in for good measure. Maybe Kyle Rayner can even make an appearance!

The rest of the Justice League have also come along to help out which only causes more problems. Like the way Superman has his depowered haircut but he's using his heat vision. Maybe that's not really Superman because he's using his heat vision to burn the face off of a Thulean which would usually go against his ethics. Maybe the Thuleans aren't considered sentient beings?

Error! Error! Superman has his powers and short hair and Bruce Wayne is in the batsuit and Hal Jordan is in Green Lantern gear and Aquaman has his new costume and his new trident switchblade and Wonder Woman is in her new costume and *STEAM SMOKE MELTDOWN*!

Batman needed to be in this story so he could tell Aquaman he fucked up. Aquaman is all, "I know, I know! Do you see how my raging boner isn't so raging?!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yeah! Your new costume has an erect phallus coming up from your groin and my new costume highlights my vadge!"

Batman convinces Aquaman that goofing off isn't solving any problems so it's time to actually rescue the Atlanteans trapped in Thule. Now that he has help, he might be able to do it and save Mera and free Atlantis all at the same time and by the end of this comic, God willing! And then maybe Cullen Bunn will never again be allowed near Aquaman. I don't even care about Aquaman and I'm upset that his book has been fucked up to this extent!

Garth and Tula and their crew of misfits finally realize that maybe they don't know exactly what's going on. They decide to stop pursuing Aquaman and just see what happens. What happens is Aquaman heads to Atlantis to fight the Atlantean army on his own while the Justice League head to Thule to have a big double page fantasy battle where Batman gets to ride a dragon.

Most of the action takes place in Narration Boxes as Aquaman explains the story so far. It takes far too many pages for me to believe this pulp fiction Aquaman story is going to end this month. It's also not exciting enough to talk about. It's just dry narration with shots of Aquaman beating up Atlanteans.

I hope the sacrifice is giving up his new powers! I hope the sacrifice is not Aquadog.

The issue ends with Cullen Bunn finally getting one thing right: Mera saves herself from the Thulean Sorcerers. She's only about five thousand times more powerful than Aquaman. At least she was. I think Aquaman has every super power in the book now, thanks to Poseidon.

Oh, I suppose he got another thing half-right earlier that I forgot to mention! Aquaman actually speaks with fish this issue. The only problem is that he speaks with a monstrously huge deep sea serpent thing that rivals Topo! If Aquaman has access to monsters like that, why does he ever call anything else to fight his battles? Fuck the seahorses with saddles! Aquaman should be riding a sea serpent!

Aquaman #47 Rating: No change. It'll be nearly a year soon and nobody in the art or editorial departments at DC Comics have noticed or cared that Aquaman is sporting a huge boner in his new costume? I suppose that's the least of their worries seeing as how Cullen Bunn has been taking a huge shit on Aquaman's legacy every month for the same amount of time. Maybe this book has just become too artsy and complicated for me! Also I find myself constantly touching my penis whenever Aquaman's boner is on-panel. It's so huge!

Superman Annual #3

Does Superman have to battle Vandal Savage in every single Superman title?

Vandal Savage gets a bit of an origin story here. It turns out the comet that made him immortal was deflected by Im-el of Krypton thousands of years ago. The Krypton scene does what comic books are supposed to do! It tells the story through pictures and dialogue. It's like a little play on paper. So I get caught off guard when the scene on Earth 50,000 years ago is full of Narration Boxes. Who knew fucking cavemen were so verbose?! Christ! I didn't realize so many words existed back then!

Back in the present, Superman is still whining about having lost most of his powers. Boo fucking hoo. Just get a job at an independent bookstore already. You're useless.

John forgets to pretend he's not home when Clark stops by and now he and Lana have to listen to his sob stories.

Gosh, Superman! If they say the high-tech dildo isn't safe yet, it isn't safe!

After Superman ignores the facts on whatever John and Lana are making besides a baby (probably a suit of some kind of super armor, right?), Lana tries to tell him to get a job at an independent bookstore too! Superman just pinches her cheek patronizingly and tells them to get the dildo ready! He's taking it for a test ride.

Back in 121 AD, Vandal Savage has already been called Savage so often that he's decided it will be his name. What the hell! It makes as much sense as every alien race having languages with links to Latin! Also, Vandal is still overdoing it on the Narration Boxes. Nineteen in just two pages!

Clark decides to become a stalker. I don't know how he hangs out outside the windows of a skyscraper these days.

Lex Luthor calls everybody to the satellite except for Superman (and Batman because Bruce Wayne is currently useless to him). Even Hal Jordan shows up in his Green Lantern uniform for some reason! This must be taking place in the Justice League DC Youniverse and not the Green Lantern DC Youniverse! The Justice League are heading out to the Kuiper Belt in their shuttle so I guess they'll be gone for several decades.

Throughout the ages, Vandal Savage continues to try to siphon power from his comet every time it passes the Earth. But he fails every time. I guess that's where his Savage Dawn plan comes in? His two thousand year plan has been about getting the comet and not specifically about Superman. That makes more sense than I wanted it to! I liked it better when he sounded like a lunatic and declaring his plan to destroy Superman was thousands of years old.

Back on the Watchtower in the present, Superman mispronounces anomaly as "anomoly." What a jerk!

Superman can't find any information on the Justice League's mission because Lex has changed all of the passwords and authentications on the computers. So then Superman asks the computer to open the supply door to the faster than light battle suits and it refuses. Okay, I guess the Justice League won't be gone for decades. Apparently they not only have teleportation technology that they won't share with normal humans but also faster than light drives that can be installed in space suits! The Justice League are technology hoarding dicks.

Yay! Captain Nazi! I recently hoped for his return in one of my commentaries but I don't remember which one. One of the three thousand of them.

Vandal Savage kicks Captain Nazi to death when he refuses to fly to the meteor. That's understandable.

Back in the future, Superman saves a few people on a bridge and everybody loves him again. These fucking people. I'm sick of their fickle ways! But they won't be fickle for long because as they celebrate, the Stormwatch Carrier teleports into the Justice League Watchtower while hanging low in the sky. There's an explosion and all the people who loved Superman are now dead. Take that, assholes! You should have feared him and ran when you had the chance! Idiots.

Aboard the Carrier is Vandal, his son Hordr_root, his daughter Wrath, and Frankenstein. I don't think Superman knows that yet but he will soon because he's so pissed off that his eyes have begun to glow red. That means his powers are returning!

Superman Annual #3 Rating: It's always fun to see Superman fail to save people! I just can't get enough of writers writing him as a miserable failure who can't protect anybody at all! Ha ha! It's so entertaining! Suck it, Superman! Nobody likes you! Especially the assholes writing you!

Superman #47

Is this a Harley Quinn Variant or an Adult Coloring Book Variant?

From this point on, I'm going to add more dirty limericks to my reviews! And maybe some rhyming couplets. I'll also continue to throw in a lot of whining and carrying on about the state of DC Comics. Spoiler alert: it's not good! I mean, sometimes it is but nobody wants to hear me praising Omega Men and Grayson every week. Do they? Hmm. How about I start off with some limericks to get me in the mood? I don't what kind of mood I'm going for but I'm sure this will get me there.

Jimmy Olsen was murdered last issue,
So Superman needed a tissue.
He pulled out his cock,
And jerked off in a sock,
Screaming, "Jimmy, my pal, how I miss you!"

It turned out Jim was not really dead.
"We knew it!" the fanboys all said.
Some posted smart theories,
Amidst genial queries,
But mostly they snorted and meh'd.

Shuperman fought hish twin made of shand,
Even though it wash not what he'd planned.
He made it go FWASH!
And it turned into glash.
I'm sho drunk I hardly can shtand.

I was going to argue against this because obviously the internet is only in places it can physically be stored but fuck me if we aren't really awash in it constantly thanks to wi-fi. I think that means we're all constantly covered in porn.

Way back when Clark's parents both died,
It was the first time that he realized,
Going to prom
Was what killed his mom
And he never was devirginized.

The message from Uncle Ben was more clear
Than the deaths of the people Clark held dear.
When Spider-man fled,
Ben wound up dead,
And then that thing about power I won't quote here.

The point I was trying to explain,
Before I was interrupted by my brain:
Jimmy's near passing
Had Superman asking,
"Do I cause all of my loved ones pain?"

That fucking Yurei is so fired!

That's probably enough limericks for now. I know it's tough to read so much highbrow art all at once so I'll bring the level of intellectual work you have to do as a reader down a few notches.

Hordr_root attacks Superman on Superman's new home turf, the House of Mythbrawl! That seems like a stupid idea which means it must be part of Hordr_root's incomprehensible plan! Superman and his Supergodfriends trap Hordr_root inside a wi-fi proof bubble so that he can't escape and Superman beats his ass. Finally! Now he just needs to unmask him! Although does he really? All he needs to do is find the internet troll that throws "sort of" into the middle of all of his sentences.

Superman doesn't kill Hordr_root even though he has the chance because...well, let's face it. He was never going to kill him no matter how many gods were cheering him on to do just that. But Hordr_root was hoping Superman would kill him because he had taken over Jimmy Olsen's body. Condesa sucks Hordr_root out of Jimmy's body and locks him in a portable drive with no Bluetooth. Does that mean this is the end of the Hordr_root story? I suppose Superman still has to find out how to get his power back from the Quarmers. That probably means it's time to interview Hordr_root.

Superman takes the hard drive to Mister Terrific for safe keeping. Does that mean Hordr_root becomes Brother Eye? Probably!

Jimmy soon realizes he has Hordr_root's memories. It turns out the original Hordr_root was one of Vandal Savage's children. But he was confined to a wheelchair and Vandal wouldn't accept him because of his physical limitations. So Hordr_root created a Frankenstein's monster version of himself and downloaded his personality into it. But it decided it wanted to be the only Hordr_root.

Vandal Savage is behind it all. And he's been planning to defeat Superman for 2000 years! Or something ridiculous. I forget exactly. But it was probably stupid.

Vandal Savage pays a visit to Mister Terrific and steals back his son. Hopefully this story will finish up in the Superman annual although I think it's going to drag out until Issue #50.

Superman #47 Rating: No change. I'm more than burned out on every Superman story revolving around his loss of power. Can Superman just get his powers back? Then stop writing stories where the conflict is how his powers are used against him or taken away from him. How about writing Superman stories where the fact that he has powers is inconsequential? I mean, not totally! He should still be Superman! But can he face some kind of conflict or dilemma where he doesn't have to lose his powers to make fixing the problem harder? Make the problem something that his powers can't easily fix! And don't make that some alien that's stronger than Superman so that Superman gets punched and says, "I actually felt that!" I'm so tired of that line. Exhausted by it! Be original, assholes!