Justice League of America #6

Hey DC? You do remember that Batman is the only one of these characters without any kind of physical powers, right?

I'm sick of Batman being the most invulnerable hero in the DC Youniverse. Don't try to defend him, you assholes. You know it's true! I get the argument that because he doesn't rely on super powers for his own safety, he's more on his Bat-toes than everybody else. But even Bat-toes can't keep you from being shot in the face forever. How many times has this dick been punched by Killer Croc without anything but Alfred's shaky, arthritic stiches? This guy is unkillable for a reason that has nothing to do with his training and it certainly has nothing to do with super powers giving him invulnerability or regeneration. What's the real story, DC? Batman sold his soul to the devil, didn't he?

I don't even remember what was happening in this comic book because it had a Martian Manhunter interlude. I think they had just killed Darkseid and had become gods, right?

It begins with Aquaman finally coming to his senses and kicking the missionaries out of Atlantis. Fuck missionaries. Don't try to defend them! They're manipulative bastards trading goodwill and charity for the destruction of other people's cultures! Stop trying to convince everybody else of the lies you were too gullible to disbelieve!

But it's too late. The Atlanteans have become as brainwashed as a child born to ignorant parents perpetuating a false paradigm of reality.

The same shit is going down in Themyscira although at least Rao's missionaries are meeting heavy resistance there. They were prepared for armed conflict with Wonder Woman's boyfriend's in-laws.

Meanwhile in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman utters the variation of a phrase that no comic book character should ever utter because it means they're going to get their ass kicked immediately thereafter: "Is that the best you've got?" It's never the best they've got. They always have something better for just after some idiot asks that question. Superman learns his lesson and Rao stands over Clark's unconscious body and pisses in his mouth.

The Flash is still in 1961 because he's pro-fucking-up-everything-through-time-travel.

The Justice League can never just stop a bank robbery. Or a simple alien invasion. Or World War III. No. The fuckers always have to save absolutely everything all at once.

Flash hears a bunch of the usual comic book nonsense that characters spout when a writer can't be bothered to write a story stemming from motivation, cause, and effect. Instead this guy Vincent knows with some certainty thanks to some singing rocks that the end of everything is going to take place and he's trying to learn how and why it will come about so he can stop it. Vincent has now told Superman and The Flash about his certainty and they seem to believe him so now they're on the case to save forever! I think a step in the right direction would be punching Vincent in his throat so that he collapses and dies and stops fucking with the timeline since he's lining everything up to cause the end of forever so he can study how it comes about so he can stop it from happening. See how he needs to be stopped?

The Rao Missionaries complete their mission which was less brainwashing morons and more finding the location of Olympus so that they could send a dozen suicide bombers there to kill Earth's gods. Apparently the only god they recognize on Earth is Wonder Woman. Take that, Jesus and Allah and Thor and Ganesha!

Aquaman accidentally hitches a ride to Olympus and is blown up alongside Wonder Woman. Hal Jordan is still 250,000 years in the past and light years away from Earth where he's found another division of the Infinity Corporation. So I guess Batman is the only Justice League of America member left to save the day. Like the cover. Like always.

Justice League of America #6 Rating: No change. This issue would have been better if I hadn't had to wait so long for it and the story hadn't been interrupted by a story that belonged in the Martian Manhunter comic book. It's probably worth the cover price but only because most comic books cost $3.99 now. I don't actually think any comic book is worth that price but then what do I know about money? It seems expensive but some comic books from thirty years ago were $1.75 (due to Baxter paper and no ads!), so that isn't that much of a raise in price, is it? Although if you consider that Infocom was selling their text adventure games for $50 a pop and video games now cost $60 with a lot more work put into them, it seems like a royal buttfucking for comics to cost twice as much with less pages! Thanks a lot, comic books!

Batman Europa #3

Something's not right here.

The Batman and The Joker are finally honeymooning in Paris! It's the story all of the real Batman fans have been waiting for. I hope they attach a lock to one of the chain link fences on the canal! That was my euphemism for anal sex! Here are some French euphemisms for male-on-male oral sex: climbing the Eiffel Tower on an empty stomach; buttering both baguettes; polishing the bells of Notre-Dame; awakening to the coq; speaking French like a true Parisian; and sniffing the wine while tasting the cheese (that one includes some anal play). Maybe we'll learn some more as we read this comic book because I'm sure everything The Joker says is going to now sound like he's trying to suck Batman off.

Oh! That's a good one, Romantic Batman: "spending time in a wheelchair down by the Seine."

Batman is currently falling off of Notre Dame. But we can ignore that part since it will happen again later after the story starts at the beginning. But first, Batman needs to tell us a little bit about Paris! Listen carefully because if the facts he gives us match the clues, Trojan Horse Sandiego just might be hiding here in Paris! Although that's unlikely because the comic still has one issue to go. I bet the last city will most definitely not be Lisbon.

Surprise! This time The Joker is going to do the book report on the city! Don't worry. I'm not going to repeat what he says. You all know everything you need to know about Paris anyway. The Joker just tells us everything we already knew! Like how they speak French and how they have this thing called the Metro that smells like piss and how every Parisian spends his day at a corner cafe thinking existential thoughts. It sounds fantastic!

Currently the Demented Duo are wandering around the catacombs on their search for Nina and Trojan Horse who's holding her captive. They're also still looking for the cure although if I had to guess, the Trojan Horse will tell them they've had the power to cure their own virus all along! All they have to do is kiss! I don't mean that sexually. I mean it in the figurative and forgiving sense. These two don't need a virus to be killing them. Their relationship is the virus that will eventually be the death of them! The only cure for that? Friendship! And kisses! Deep, long, sultry kisses!

Was this an anal sex joke from Batman?

Obviously this entire story was built around the relationship between The Joker and The Batman with the cities as metaphors for that relationship. So Berlin is a city once divided but later made whole. Batman and Joker must reconcile or they will die. Next was Prague, a city of intellectuals and artists crushed by war. Batman, the intellectual, and Joker, the artist, unable to accomplish anything because their resources are being consumed by their lifelong battle. Now Paris, the city of romance! The two must become much more intimate to save themselves. They must trust each other, caress each other, slowly slide each other's underwear to the soft carpet of a lonely corner apartment overlooking the Champs Elysees. I don't know what the last city would be because I'm American and don't know any European history. It'll probably be either Geneva or London. Geneva because Batman and The Joker need to make peace if they're going to live. London because it's an easy city to write a book report on.

The Joker leads Batman to his own Parisian Clown College under the streets of Paris, Le Cirque du Roi des Clowns. Apparently the people of Paris love The Joker. They love his art, the bunch of surrealist, existentialist bastards.

The Joker and Batman wind up in their corner apartment and Batman ejaculates a Batgrapple across the way to an apartment where they find the man behind the automatons dead. But then the polished bells of Notre-Dame begin to ring and they're off to investigate!

They're getting more and more intimate!

The couple finally confront the villain who infected them inside Notre-Dame. He's wearing a bat costume and Joker make-up because he's nuts. Or is he? I was just going to begin pondering who would want to see Batman and The Joker dead and I realized the answer is "Who wouldn't?!" This guy could be anybody living in Gotham who has had to live through Joker attacks year after year while coming to the realization that The Joker doesn't attack other cities because The Joker is obsessed with Batman. Without Batman, The Joker goes away. So why not kill them both since they're both fucking the citizens of Gotham?

During the battle, the story passes the moment that the comic began with Batman falling to his death. But now, The Joker uses Batman's Batgrapple to save Batman's life. How intimate is that, right? How loving! How sweet and caring and romantic! It's like a fairy tale!

The Batjoker gets away and Batman finds that Nina is dead. She choked on burning coals which is a clue to their next destination: Rome! I don't know why they need to go to Rome. Because it's the birth of Western Civilization as well as the first place where humans discovered Western Civilization isn't immortal? Birth and death? Culture and decay? Something about Christianity?!

Batman Europa #3 Rating: No change. I'm still not super keen on Batman palling around with The Joker but I guess I blame the virus and the fever and the fogginess they cause. The art is interesting and crazy and the story is interesting enough. But Azzarello's dialogue which I'm usually a huge fan of seems stilted and awkward. It's almost as if he's trying too hard to write Azzarello dialogue. Which maybe is the case if Casali is writing the dialogue in parts and he's trying to mimic Azzarello? I have no idea how the writing chores have been split between them. Still, I don't think the DC Youniverse really needs any more Batman/Joker team-ups after this. Batman really should have punched him in the throat at the end of issue one and called in some backup. Maybe bring Alfred in to dress like The Joker! I don't know why that would be needed! I just like the idea!

Batman Europa #2

If you were smart like me, you'd recognize the city behind Batman as Prague!

Fine. I didn't recognize the city! Are you happy that you caught me in a lie?! I just remembered that last issue ended by saying "Next: Prague!" So last issue Batman and The Joker were in Germany. This issue, they'll be in that country that Prague is in. You know the one. My readership is the smartest on the net so y'all don't need me to tell you where Prague is, do you?

I hope Prague is a city and not a country or I just made myself look stupid!

This issue begins with Batman battling a giant robot in Prague! Dammit! I missed like half the fight because the comic book started in the middle of it! That pisses me off because giant robots fighting is my favorite thing to read about in comic books! Plus Batman mentions the robot already defeated The Joker! I would be super angry right now if I didn't know that comic books love pulling this trick and the story will flashback to sometime before the giant robot fight so that I can read the entire thing.

Batman begins giving an oral report about Prague on the third page. What the fuck am I reading? An educational comic book?! Did DC Comics get government money to publish a comic book that teaches middle-aged men about international cities?! Look, sirs! I do not need to know about Prague! They probably don't even speak English there! I guess I have to know about Prague so I can understand how the city is a metaphor for the relationship between Batman and The Joker! Bah.

The worst part of this entire experience is that I now have the theme song for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? stuck in my head! Fucking Rockapella.

Read this history! It'll probably be important later!

Batman and his new friend Nina have arrived on the last day of Masopust which sounds dirty but is just Pragueish Mardi Gras (which sounds dirtier!). People are in Kill Bill costumes and V for Vendetta costumes and Doom Patrol costumes (although it's probably really an Invisible Man costume) and a bunch of other costumes that don't have "sexy" in front of them because they're doing it wrong. I think Nina isn't supposed to be in costume but she looks like she's in a variant of a Carmen Sandiego costume.

Nina's attacked by Clockwork Men while trying to lure out the person who infected The Joker and Batman with the virus that's killing them and forcing them to work together. Although I don't think The Joker is taking it seriously. Still, he helps Batman battle the Clockwork Men to the beginning of this comic book.

Nina is taking by the Trojan Horse (he's the big villain!) while The Joker is sucked into the chest cavity of the giant clockwork robot Batman was fighting at the beginning. So I guess the story has sort of caught up to the beginning. Now Batman just has to beat the clockwork giant so he can find the clue to the next city to be investigated. Hmm. This really is like Carmen Sandiego.

Batman and The Joker defeat the giant robot and I'm wondering why the story didn't just continue from page two or begin at page three. That intro served no purpose! I mean, it got me excited for a giant robot fight but then the giant robot fight was disappointing and lackluster and now I just wish the first two pages had been left out. Anyway, the Dysfunctional Duo find their next clue.

More often than not, employees of DC Comics spell "cemetery" incorrectly.

And off to Paris they go! Whee.

Batman Europa #2 Rating: No change. I don't see the appeal of this comic book series. Batman and The Joker working together is silly. As if Batman couldn't get Wonder Woman or Superman or The Flash on the case with him while locking up The Joker on the Justice League Satellite with Cyborg pumping him for information. Hell, doesn't Batman know enough scientific geniuses to cure this virus himself? After all the lives The Joker has taken, why would Batman put up with this whole partnership thing? I'd imaging Batman can hardly stand to look at the psychopath! I guess Batman really does have strong feelings for The Joker. I hope the final page of this series is like that first scene in New 52 Catwoman #1! Joker can be stripped down to his hilarious polka dot briefs as he lays across Batman's bear chest, still glowing from his mindbending Bat-orgasm. It really might be leading that way because they're headed to Paris next! Isn't that the romantic capital of the world? I mean, after Lodi, California, of course.

Justice League United #16

Goodbye, best Justice League of The New 52!

I hope this is the last issue! Not because I want it to be the last issue but because I already said goodbye to it in the caption up there. I'm actually angry that this Justice League is being cancelled and the regular Justice League is still somehow everybody's favorite Justice League. Everybody thinks Geoff Johns squirts gold-plated sperms. His stories succeed simply because he has complete control over the DC Youniverse! He can do any ridiculous thing he wants to any character and he doesn't have a shit editor breathing down his neck telling him he can't do it. He's basically allowed to write an Elseworlds tale every time he sits down to think up a new Justice League story. But his Elseworlds story changes the fabric of the entire DC Youniverse which everybody else now has to keep in mind while they write their stories. I'd be the best writer at DC too if I could do anything I wanted! Batman would suddenly have a shit fetish, paying Catwoman thousands of dollars to squat over his naked chest. Green Lantern would make it his goal to bang an alien on every planet he visits. The Flash would murder all of the writers and editors who ignored the no time travel directive and screwed up The New 52 almost as soon as it began. Wonder Woman would end poverty, feed the hungry, overthrow every violent dictator, and hug the world. Superman would realize he's the biggest threat to the safety of Earth because he's constantly being mind-controlled and magically manipulated and turned dark by evil energy and he'd put a kryptonite bullet in his brain. Then the hypocrites all around the world would mourn his death and cry about how the greatest hero ever was dead! Although a lot of irritating shits would remind everybody how problematic he was and that everybody claiming he was a hero is totally gross and disgusting.

But enough about that crappy Justice League! It's time to see off the Justice League that is actually saving the world.

Look how cute Alanna is with her teacher who really shouldn't have started a sexual relationship with her.

This story is the story of the first Breaker Justice League United had to deal with. Which means it's probably also the story in which Adam Strange becomes part of the Zeta Beam. It's also a story called "House of Secrets" which will really please me if the House of Secrets is actually in it.

The Breaker has landed in Western Connecticut and set up a dome around the town. People can get into the dome but then can't leave. So Justice League United becomes trapped immediately. Only Adam Strange is outside of the dome and he flies off to help keep people out and to figure out how to rescue everybody.

To be fair, Adam, I think they were less concerned with space opera drama than sexual harassment lawsuits and abuses of power.

Justice League United begins to ask questions to the strange looking Travel Foremanesque locals because they don't know what a Breaker looks like. A kid on a bike helps them out by pointing to an old house that wasn't in town that morning: the House of Secrets! I hope Rain still lives there! Maybe Stargirl will become the judge for the Juris!

Yay! Maybe not better than Rain but just as good: Abel is back!

Equinox walks into a room where she sees the creation of the Wendigo (or whatever the creature is that haunts her people. I forget!). Stargirl witnesses Boston Brand's death. Animal Man sees the Kents' stealing a baby out of a rocket ship. Alanna decides Abel is the breaker and kills him. Too bad he's used to being murdered. He gets back up, dusts himself off, and explains to the Justice League United that they are in a house of secrets. He's actually pretty reasonable about it for having just had his arm blown off by a grad student.

While the others explore the House of Secrets, Adam learns that if Alanna uses her zeta beam technology while in the Breaker, she'll wind up a permanent part of the zeta beam. I guess learning that information won't stop Adam from doing it.

Why are heroes always so quick to throw their lives away? Just ask Abel nicely! I'm sure he'll help if everybody just starts respecting him as their host!

Adam zeta beams out causing the House of Secrets to collapse because it really was the Breaker. I guess Abel hasn't actually made a real appearance then. Although Jeff Parker gets away with introducing a character into the DC You that editorial definitely didn't want existing in the new DC:

Detective Chimp is canon! And not just Channel 52 canon! Real canon!

After Alanna tells the story of the first Breaker, she explains to the others what she saw in the House of Secrets. She saw that her father was Sardath of Rann. And now she thinks she knows how to force Sardath into saving Adam from the zeta beam and ending Justice League United with a clean slate. Which is what happens and everybody lives happily ever after until Justice League United is resurrected with an awful writer and then they'll all be super sad.

Justice League United #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. Jeff Parker saved this book but I guess it was too late. I've also got to say that I was always ambivalent about Travel Foreman's art but he's won me over on this book. His style is all over the place and I love it. He may be the only artist in comics who can draw average sized boobs. And they look great! I'm going to miss this book because Jeff Parker understands how to write a comic book. A good mix of fun and adventure and character interactions and good old super hero nonsense.

Batman Europa #3

Something's not right here.

The Batman and The Joker are finally honeymooning in Paris! It's the story all of the real Batman fans have been waiting for. I hope they attach a lock to one of the chain link fences on the canal! That was my euphemism for anal sex! Here are some French euphemisms for male-on-male oral sex: climbing the Eiffel Tower on an empty stomach; buttering both baguettes; polishing the bells of Notre-Dame; awakening to the coq; speaking French like a true Parisian; and sniffing the wine while tasting the cheese (that one includes some anal play). Maybe we'll learn some more as we read this comic book because I'm sure everything The Joker says is going to now sound like he's trying to suck Batman off.

Keep reading

Batman Europa #2

If you were smart like me, you'd recognize the city behind Batman as Prague!

Fine. I didn't recognize the city! Are you happy that you caught me in a lie?! I just remembered that last issue ended by saying "Next: Prague!" So last issue Batman and The Joker were in Germany. This issue, they'll be in that country that Prague is in. You know the one. My readership is the smartest on the net so y'all don't need me to tell you where Prague is, do you?

I hope Prague is a city and not a country or I just made myself look stupid!

Keep reading

Secret Six #9

Butts are touching.

I'm tired of trying to guess the secret. Eight issues in and it's yet to be revealed! This is bullshit. I wouldn't hang around reading a comic book called "Batman" for eight issues if he were never in it! Oh wait. That's exactly what I'm doing while Snyder gets this Commissioner Batman crap out of his system. Fine! I'll give it one more issue before I...well, I'm going to keep reading it. But I'm going to complain quite a bit!

Now that I brought up the secret, I'm a little bit nervous. What if the secret was already revealed and I missed it?! Was the secret that The Riddler was Mockingbird? Was the secret that Ferdie had a diamond shoved up his ass? Was the secret that Sue Dibny realized she wanted a normal lover because she was terribly creeped out by a Ralph's squidgy cock? Was the secret that Scandal gave the unnamed kitten to Catman? Was the secret that the kitten actually had a name and I've forgotten that as well?! Maybe the secret is that the secret isn't quite so fucking important as I thought it was. Maybe the secret is family! No wait. That's ohana.

The Secret Six have gone off with Etrigan to open the White Gate while the Enclave of Magic are trying to keep the White Gate closed. The Secret Six fucked everything up last issue so maybe Faust's group can fix things this issue.

I first read Swamp Thing's dialogue as "they're coming on everyone". Possibly because he looks like Zatanna's fucked up blow up doll here.

Back under the ocean, Ferdie reveals that he's got whatever power Ambush Bug has. Not teleportation! That one where he can speak directly to the reader. I don't know if he knows he's in a comic book or not but he definitely thinks he's in a Grant Morrison story. His power doesn't extend to hearing the reader though because I just asked him what the secret was and he didn't answer. I did show him my dick though.

He's totally into it.

Porcelain smashes the first Alabaster Uncircumcised Cock Statue just before the ocean rushes in. But Lord Arion's fish people cast a spell which teleports the Secret Six to safety. Catman flirts with Aquaman just before he's magically snatched away but Arthur is too dense to get it. Although his new uniform makes him look like he understood. Because it looks like he has an erection. Does nobody at DC care that Aquaman's makeover makes him look like he's constantly sporting a massive boner?

Arthur does try to warn Catman not to smash the other alabaster phalluses because it'll just let all of the Great Old Ones into their dimension. At this point, I don't think the team cares. They're just going to have to battle a bunch of ancient immortal all-powerful gods after they've saved Black Alice. They can probably handle it.

The next alabaster phallus is in a fancy dress party in some place called Perdition.

Strix shows that the Bat-Family policy of killing Talons might need to be reworked. Not that I didn't think that already! But how could any of them think they haven't just committed murder after seeing Talons display sentience and individual personalities?

The Six meet an orphan girl who shows them the way through the abandoned town and into the mine where the party is being held. No part of that previous sentence inspires confidence in the situation.

It turns out there isn't a party. Everybody just needed to dress fancy because this town is lost in time and people used to dress fancy when they knew somebody else might see them and then gossip about how awful their clothes were. It also turns out everybody in the town has died of starvation. They're still hanging about as ghosts because the mine is full of an ancient god affecting the local reality. It's name is Maggie and it asks the Secret Six to help free it by breaking its alabaster phallus. That might make the Six rethink their position on opening up strange portals.

Swamp Thing arrives to try to warn them as well but if the huge ancient god's declaration that it will end the universe when it's freed didn't sway them against destroying the White Gate, what argument can Swamp Thing come up with?

The alabaster phalluses aren't as phallusy as they were last issue.

Chaos is my jam too, Etrigan! This is my Work entry on Facebook: "Works at destroying the calm and embracing the chaos." I knew Etrigan was my favorite for a reason! Actually for several reasons. None of them pervy.

Ralph Dibny shoves the alabaster phallus into the head of Maggie, mortally wounding it. So I guess their plan is to just deal with the gods that wind up being unleashed. I doubt the other ones will be as easy to kill as Maggie was.

While the Six were off doing their mission, Scandal and Rag Doll were having adventures in babysitting with Black Alice. They battled some sphinxes and...well, that's all that happened, really. But Black Alice woke up and was told by Scandal that if her friends succeed in saving her, the world will end. So Black Alice decides she needs to die and asks Scandal Savage to kill her. I think she's asking the wrong Savage.

Secret Six #9 Rating: No change. None! I mean, some stuff happened and most of it was entertaining. And the art looked really nice. And something about the letterer because you have to mention the letterer in a proper review. Also the colorist! There were colors! Lots of them! It made the book not boring like all black and white comic books. So boring! Did anybody ever try to read Cerebus?! Pee-yuke! So black and white! And Elfquest was terrible until the colors were added! Although the colors that were added in the Father Tree Press editions were never as good as the colors in the Starblaze Graphics editions! I don't think color matters when it comes to the letterer though so if you're a Letterer Fucker (that's a person who is such a fan of letterers that they love to fuck them at conventions), Cerebus is probably a pretty good comic book! Although Dave Sim is the writer, artist, and letterer so you won't be fucking him because the last time I heard, he was celibate. He doesn't even masturbate! It's against his religion which is Christjewslam or something. Um. Anyway. Ten stars!