Batman Europa #3

Something's not right here.

The Batman and The Joker are finally honeymooning in Paris! It's the story all of the real Batman fans have been waiting for. I hope they attach a lock to one of the chain link fences on the canal! That was my euphemism for anal sex! Here are some French euphemisms for male-on-male oral sex: climbing the Eiffel Tower on an empty stomach; buttering both baguettes; polishing the bells of Notre-Dame; awakening to the coq; speaking French like a true Parisian; and sniffing the wine while tasting the cheese (that one includes some anal play). Maybe we'll learn some more as we read this comic book because I'm sure everything The Joker says is going to now sound like he's trying to suck Batman off.

Oh! That's a good one, Romantic Batman: "spending time in a wheelchair down by the Seine."

Batman is currently falling off of Notre Dame. But we can ignore that part since it will happen again later after the story starts at the beginning. But first, Batman needs to tell us a little bit about Paris! Listen carefully because if the facts he gives us match the clues, Trojan Horse Sandiego just might be hiding here in Paris! Although that's unlikely because the comic still has one issue to go. I bet the last city will most definitely not be Lisbon.

Surprise! This time The Joker is going to do the book report on the city! Don't worry. I'm not going to repeat what he says. You all know everything you need to know about Paris anyway. The Joker just tells us everything we already knew! Like how they speak French and how they have this thing called the Metro that smells like piss and how every Parisian spends his day at a corner cafe thinking existential thoughts. It sounds fantastic!

Currently the Demented Duo are wandering around the catacombs on their search for Nina and Trojan Horse who's holding her captive. They're also still looking for the cure although if I had to guess, the Trojan Horse will tell them they've had the power to cure their own virus all along! All they have to do is kiss! I don't mean that sexually. I mean it in the figurative and forgiving sense. These two don't need a virus to be killing them. Their relationship is the virus that will eventually be the death of them! The only cure for that? Friendship! And kisses! Deep, long, sultry kisses!

Was this an anal sex joke from Batman?

Obviously this entire story was built around the relationship between The Joker and The Batman with the cities as metaphors for that relationship. So Berlin is a city once divided but later made whole. Batman and Joker must reconcile or they will die. Next was Prague, a city of intellectuals and artists crushed by war. Batman, the intellectual, and Joker, the artist, unable to accomplish anything because their resources are being consumed by their lifelong battle. Now Paris, the city of romance! The two must become much more intimate to save themselves. They must trust each other, caress each other, slowly slide each other's underwear to the soft carpet of a lonely corner apartment overlooking the Champs Elysees. I don't know what the last city would be because I'm American and don't know any European history. It'll probably be either Geneva or London. Geneva because Batman and The Joker need to make peace if they're going to live. London because it's an easy city to write a book report on.

The Joker leads Batman to his own Parisian Clown College under the streets of Paris, Le Cirque du Roi des Clowns. Apparently the people of Paris love The Joker. They love his art, the bunch of surrealist, existentialist bastards.

The Joker and Batman wind up in their corner apartment and Batman ejaculates a Batgrapple across the way to an apartment where they find the man behind the automatons dead. But then the polished bells of Notre-Dame begin to ring and they're off to investigate!

They're getting more and more intimate!

The couple finally confront the villain who infected them inside Notre-Dame. He's wearing a bat costume and Joker make-up because he's nuts. Or is he? I was just going to begin pondering who would want to see Batman and The Joker dead and I realized the answer is "Who wouldn't?!" This guy could be anybody living in Gotham who has had to live through Joker attacks year after year while coming to the realization that The Joker doesn't attack other cities because The Joker is obsessed with Batman. Without Batman, The Joker goes away. So why not kill them both since they're both fucking the citizens of Gotham?

During the battle, the story passes the moment that the comic began with Batman falling to his death. But now, The Joker uses Batman's Batgrapple to save Batman's life. How intimate is that, right? How loving! How sweet and caring and romantic! It's like a fairy tale!

The Batjoker gets away and Batman finds that Nina is dead. She choked on burning coals which is a clue to their next destination: Rome! I don't know why they need to go to Rome. Because it's the birth of Western Civilization as well as the first place where humans discovered Western Civilization isn't immortal? Birth and death? Culture and decay? Something about Christianity?!

Batman Europa #3 Rating: No change. I'm still not super keen on Batman palling around with The Joker but I guess I blame the virus and the fever and the fogginess they cause. The art is interesting and crazy and the story is interesting enough. But Azzarello's dialogue which I'm usually a huge fan of seems stilted and awkward. It's almost as if he's trying too hard to write Azzarello dialogue. Which maybe is the case if Casali is writing the dialogue in parts and he's trying to mimic Azzarello? I have no idea how the writing chores have been split between them. Still, I don't think the DC Youniverse really needs any more Batman/Joker team-ups after this. Batman really should have punched him in the throat at the end of issue one and called in some backup. Maybe bring Alfred in to dress like The Joker! I don't know why that would be needed! I just like the idea!

Batman Europa #2

If you were smart like me, you'd recognize the city behind Batman as Prague!

Fine. I didn't recognize the city! Are you happy that you caught me in a lie?! I just remembered that last issue ended by saying "Next: Prague!" So last issue Batman and The Joker were in Germany. This issue, they'll be in that country that Prague is in. You know the one. My readership is the smartest on the net so y'all don't need me to tell you where Prague is, do you?

I hope Prague is a city and not a country or I just made myself look stupid!

This issue begins with Batman battling a giant robot in Prague! Dammit! I missed like half the fight because the comic book started in the middle of it! That pisses me off because giant robots fighting is my favorite thing to read about in comic books! Plus Batman mentions the robot already defeated The Joker! I would be super angry right now if I didn't know that comic books love pulling this trick and the story will flashback to sometime before the giant robot fight so that I can read the entire thing.

Batman begins giving an oral report about Prague on the third page. What the fuck am I reading? An educational comic book?! Did DC Comics get government money to publish a comic book that teaches middle-aged men about international cities?! Look, sirs! I do not need to know about Prague! They probably don't even speak English there! I guess I have to know about Prague so I can understand how the city is a metaphor for the relationship between Batman and The Joker! Bah.

The worst part of this entire experience is that I now have the theme song for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? stuck in my head! Fucking Rockapella.

Read this history! It'll probably be important later!

Batman and his new friend Nina have arrived on the last day of Masopust which sounds dirty but is just Pragueish Mardi Gras (which sounds dirtier!). People are in Kill Bill costumes and V for Vendetta costumes and Doom Patrol costumes (although it's probably really an Invisible Man costume) and a bunch of other costumes that don't have "sexy" in front of them because they're doing it wrong. I think Nina isn't supposed to be in costume but she looks like she's in a variant of a Carmen Sandiego costume.

Nina's attacked by Clockwork Men while trying to lure out the person who infected The Joker and Batman with the virus that's killing them and forcing them to work together. Although I don't think The Joker is taking it seriously. Still, he helps Batman battle the Clockwork Men to the beginning of this comic book.

Nina is taking by the Trojan Horse (he's the big villain!) while The Joker is sucked into the chest cavity of the giant clockwork robot Batman was fighting at the beginning. So I guess the story has sort of caught up to the beginning. Now Batman just has to beat the clockwork giant so he can find the clue to the next city to be investigated. Hmm. This really is like Carmen Sandiego.

Batman and The Joker defeat the giant robot and I'm wondering why the story didn't just continue from page two or begin at page three. That intro served no purpose! I mean, it got me excited for a giant robot fight but then the giant robot fight was disappointing and lackluster and now I just wish the first two pages had been left out. Anyway, the Dysfunctional Duo find their next clue.

More often than not, employees of DC Comics spell "cemetery" incorrectly.

And off to Paris they go! Whee.

Batman Europa #2 Rating: No change. I don't see the appeal of this comic book series. Batman and The Joker working together is silly. As if Batman couldn't get Wonder Woman or Superman or The Flash on the case with him while locking up The Joker on the Justice League Satellite with Cyborg pumping him for information. Hell, doesn't Batman know enough scientific geniuses to cure this virus himself? After all the lives The Joker has taken, why would Batman put up with this whole partnership thing? I'd imaging Batman can hardly stand to look at the psychopath! I guess Batman really does have strong feelings for The Joker. I hope the final page of this series is like that first scene in New 52 Catwoman #1! Joker can be stripped down to his hilarious polka dot briefs as he lays across Batman's bear chest, still glowing from his mindbending Bat-orgasm. It really might be leading that way because they're headed to Paris next! Isn't that the romantic capital of the world? I mean, after Lodi, California, of course.

Batman Europa #1

Is this the Jim Lee Didn't Make His Deadline So Just Print Whatever He's Done So Far Variant?

I have no idea what this comic book is about but it says Batman on the cover so I was obligated to buy it. Plus it's a Joker story! This will probably be one of those stories that will define the Batman/Joker relationship for the current generation of comic book fans in much the way all of those other super important Joker stories defined it for previous generations. You know those stories? The ones I can't think of right now? I think one had a smiling goldfish or something? And one of them redefined Batgirl pretty seriously. And one of them was Cesar Romero! And one of them was voiced by Mark Hamill! And probably some other ones that you're screaming at your computer screen right now and adding, "Grandmaster Comic Book Reader my grandmother's asshole!" You're so filthy!

This issue begins with an ending because that's totally clever and post-whatever. It's the kind of thing a writer comes up with while sipping his white mocha with a hint of raspberry and staring at the ceiling of his non-Starbucks local coffee house while chewing on the end of a pencil that the writer only uses for thinking. Then the writer goes, "A-ha! I've got it! I'll begin the story by saying, 'This is how the story ends!' Fucking brilliantly clever! Over the top! Grade the best! Where's my pat-myself-on-the-back machine?!"

When I turn the page, The Joker and Batman had better be engaged in really rough sex because I'm pretty sure that both Batman and Joker knew their relationship would, at some point, end in violence.

Batman mentions that he can hardly breathe and The Joker is laughing. Apparently they're both dying but I'm not sure if it's because they were fighting or fuckfighting. Crossing my fingers for the fuckfighting twist!

I will give all of my money to Azzarello and Casali if Batman and The Joker kiss passionately on the next page!

Dammit! I have to keep my money!

What Batman/Joker story has yet to be told that this four issue miniseries was too important not to publish? Does everybody have to write a "Last Joker Story" or a "Last Batman Story"?! It must be a rite of passage. And since Batman will never die because DC Comics loves money (who doesn't?!), everybody gets to write their take on a final Batman story. And usually that story includes The Joker because he's Batman's funhouse mirror image.

The Batman and Joker dying part was one of those false starts comic books love to use because they know most comic book readers will grow bored with a story if they don't feel anchored to a scene deeper in the story. Now after reading the part about Batman and Joker dying, readers will feel comfortable as they plod steadily along thinking, "Oh boy! Oh boy! I can't wait until that part where Batman and The Joker are about to die! It's so exciting! When it happens, I might pump my fist in the air and yell, 'Yeah!' Then I'll find somebody to high five and point out how awesome the moment was because I knew it was going to happen and then it happened and I was all, 'I knew that was going to happen!'"

The real beginning is a fight between Batman and Killer Croc. And even though Killer Croc is far stronger than Batman, Batman beats him down yet again. Because--as Batman points out early so readers don't sit there thinking, "Wait a second! How come Killer Croc isn't breaking every single one of Batman's bones with every punch? This isn't very realistic at all!"--Killer Croc has no skill! He's just a brawler without any experience! He punches like a guy who needs a coach to teach him how to punch.

But Batman barely wins because there's something wrong! No way! What could be wrong with Batman?! I bet it's food poisoning. Alfred is fired.

It turns out it isn't food poisoning. Or, if it is, Alfred doesn't want to be fired at all so he made up a fake virus called Colossus that will kill Batman in one week. That should distract Batman long enough for Alfred to clean up the kitchen.

No way this virus hasn't given Batman diarrhea. And no way Killer Croc didn't hit Batman hard enough to have an accident. Batman definitely shit himself earlier.

Alfred suggests that the virus must be from The Joker and that it originated in Berlin. The kitchen must really need to be hosed down!

Batman travels to Berlin and sees everything through the lenses of World War II and the Cold War. Hey, Batman! The wall fell twenty-six years ago! Maybe the Germans are tired of everybody seeing Nazis around every corner and Soviets lining every Straße in the east! Why can't Americans move past equating Germany with World War II? Yes, Berlin was a divided city that defined the Allies utter failure in resolving the war and freeing all countries from tyranny. I guess as long as the European countries that Americans could name were free, the war was over and everything was good! Plus, I don't think you can be a sane country with a perfect record and decide, "You know what? Let's go to fucking war with Russia to make sure Eastern Europe remains free!" You really have to consider your perfect record up until that point. And looking back on it, it was probably a good decision because America had another two or three decades to bask in their undefeated status before bringing home the loss from Vietnam. Korea was, at best, undecided but undecided enough for America to talk it up like a win.

It's actually too bad America lost the Vietnam War because after that, we had nothing to lose. We could get into conflicts willy-nilly and not give a shit how much of a boondoggle the war would become because we weren't risking our perfect record! Stupid Vietnam!

Batman's detective work in Berlin amounts to following a low level criminal around the city. He winds up in the east side of Berlin because that's obviously going to be the wurst neighborhood. Ha ha!

Alfred's instincts didn't cause this, World's Lamest Detective.

Batman continues with his history lesson of Berlin and what the city means. I think the point is that Berlin is two cities in one. Most notably West and East although historically Cölln and Berlin. Get it? Two halves of one whole! Like Batman and The Joker! West Berlin is rich and prosperous and sort of pretends to care about Easterners while East Berlin is full of death and gas and morbid laughter! I think. That's what my shitty American text books say.

Batman tracks down The Joker by beating up a bunch of Germans. When did the title "World's Greatest Detective" begin to mean so little? Instead of doing actual detective work, all Batman does is beat the shit out of people to gain information!

Batman discovers that The Joker is sick with the same virus. Which can only mean one thing--if I'm doing my mental arithmetic correctly: Batman and The Joker had sex!

Or, um, this other stupid thing that isn't as good.

Batman Europa #1 Rating: This was decent but not much better than any average comic book. Maybe if I were more visually stimulated (which I should be seeing as how I'm reading comic books!), I'd think it was better. Who knows?! Time to speculate on how this series is going to end! Batman and The Joker both have the same deadly virus! But I bet it isn't the same at all! I bet each virus is actually the cure for the other! So the way to save Berlin was to bring down the wall for a unified city! So the only way to save Batman and The Joker...you guessed it! Unsafe anal sex!