Batwing #14

That body armor really does make him look fat. Shh. Don't tell him. He's sensitive about it.

Last issue, The Cult of Father Lost was performing a sacrificial ritual but it was interrupted by Dawn, the blade creating people's hero. But there were way too many cultists for her to handle, so Batwing smashed his way into the building to save the day. Will he save the day?

Who the fuck knows?! This is a Judd Winick book so the story never begins where it left off. Okay, so a lot of books do that. But Judd Winick doesn't even begin anywhere near the same year as when the last issue left off! This issue begins "years ago" in "Africa's Children's Harbor of Tinasha." Oh! That's The Refuge for Children Kidnapped by Despotic Warlords that Batwing attended when he was young. And Dawn must have as well since she visits the grave of Rene, one of the teachers that was murdered many years ago.

This is Rachel and David. Also known as Dawn and Batwing.

Okay, I get it! They know each other. I kind of already assumed that though. Not because they're both black! Because they both went to the same school! Which technically I didn't know one hundred percent but all the clues had been laid out and I'm pretty good at picking up on the clues because I play Text Adventure Games!

Back to the present, Batwing and Dawn continue to help save the abductees. They have no idea that they once knew each other and consoled each other and hugged in the dark. That's privileged information for the reader. Their team-up almost works but Batwing ends up hypnotized by The Finders one more time. He captures Dawn and spouts a bunch of nonsense about serving Her and Father Lost. So maybe Father Lost is female! Just like Father Time in Frankenstein. I knew it! I mean, I suspected it! I mean, I was kind of making a half-assed joke and I doubt Father Lost and the "Her" Batwing is talking about are the same person. Anyway, Dawn puts an amulet on Batwing and he gets unpossessed and the police once again break in and everyone is okay!

Except Dawn slips away unnoticed once again. And nobody still knows who the hell Father Lost is or what his plans are.

I think he's a member of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

But everyone isn't okay for very long! Batwing figures out Dawn is Rachel and that she worked for the government. I think she was part of Africa's Team 6. Half of her team was wiped out by Father Lost's cult. One third of the survivors was the general that crashed his plane at the beginning of this story line. The other one third was some woman whom Batwing got all of his information from. And that last one was Dawn, of course! But she didn't survive either. I mean, she survived up until the last page of his issue!

Whoops!

Batwing #14 Rating: No change. Another mediocre issue of a mediocre title that had a few shining moments many issues ago. But lately it's just been flat and uninteresting. Not horrible. Just simply forgettable.

Worlds' Finest #6

It's more accurate simply to say when anyone meets Damian Wayne, blood flows. Notice how I resisted the temptation to make a menstruation joke. Notice how proud I was in not making the joke that I had to point it out so it sort of becomes a joke anyway. Notice how horribly placed the "...blood flows" caption is?

The Huntress is currently in Gotham City to make a withdrawal from the Bank of Batman. I don't know if she's so arrogant that she thinks she can keep taking money from The Batman without him noticing or if she's just stupid. And I don't think she's stupid since they've spent a lot of time pointing out how she's the best of both her parents, Earth-2 Catwoman and Batman. So she has a big brain and a big heart and big boobs and big muscles. But there's another Bat-prodigy that has all of those things too! Except the boobs. Or the heart. Or the, um, muscles.

Why did I even scan this? It's the same image as on the cover!

Robin catches The Huntress in the middle of her withdrawal because, like I said in that previous paragraph, she was acting stupid. Instead of maiming her instantly, Damian decides he's going to brag about how easily he caught her. And then The Huntress decides to brag about how easy it was to discover this Robin's identity. Ha! Of course it's easy to figure out who Robin is when you begin with the knowledge that Batman is Bruce Wayne!

The Huntress: "Let's see. Who could Robin be? Batman's son, Damian? I don't know. It could be Alfred Pennyworth, his butler. No, no. The height is all wrong. Perhaps it's his dog Titus. The smell is right but I'm pretty sure Robin is a human boy. Hmm. This is a real stumper!"

While The Huntress and Robin bicker like interdimensional siblings, Power Girl is off in space adding some component of her own to Morgan Edge's communications satellite. She's gotten pretty wealthy on her own so I don't know why she doesn't just put her own satellite in the sky. She's probably scanning information that goes through Galaxy Broadcasting, looking for potential clues to dimensional openings back to her home world. While she's in space, she flirts a bit with the Russian Cosmonauts.

As Power Girl is making reentry, she has a near miss with another hero.

No shit! Who wants to get punched in the face?

Power Girl's suit burns off in reentry, of course. But she assures her assistant that they'll get the formula for an indestructible suit soon! She also mentions that her Remora-like device stuck to the Galaxy Satellite works by scanning the Earth for signs of Apokoliptian energy sources. And then she's alerted to a little squabble currently taking place in Gotham City.

I think this counts as another Boob Window shot.

Taking away Power Girl's traditional Boob Window suit has simply called more attention to it. Suddenly all she is is her cleavage and trying to find ways to get her back into that image. It's probably just the writers and artists finding ways to mock the editorial decision to give Power Girl a new uniform minus the cleavage. And I love her characterization so far in this book, so I have no problem with the creative team doing this.

What all this reminds me of is the way things that are being shielded form someone tend to bring more attention to that thing. Here, someone made the call to remove Power Girl's cleavage uniform which, after years of seeing it, wasn't really a big deal to anybody. She was the female hero with the biggest boobs and she showed them off. One of the female characters had to be the one with the biggest boobs, right? We also know one of the male characters has to be the guy with the biggest dick it's just nobody's ever going to know the answer to that (It's Plastic Man). Hide Power Girl's boobs and now everyone is interested in Power Girl's boobs.

This story is somewhat different but the whole aspect of making something more visible by trying to hide it reminds me of something I learned fairly young. I learned an awful lot about things adults thought I shouldn't know about because they made a point of limiting our behaviour. In second grade, we made paper airplanes one day. Mine wouldn't fly so I proclaimed, "My plane sucks the big one!" My teacher turned angrily to me and said, "I won't have that kind of language!" What did I say? I never thought about the actual meaning of the thing I had just said. I just knew it meant my plane was horrible. But was there a literal meaning? What could possibly be sucked and big that was so...oh. Oh! I get it! Thanks, Ms. Marshall! I also learned a bit about the phrase "the chicks will cream" when my mother told me that was disgusting when I was spontaneously singing Greased Lightning one day.

Just like the Boob Window, these were phrases I never really thought much about until I was told not to think about them.

My favorite example which isn't mine. It's a celebrity's so I think I can repeat it here. Ricky Gervais became an Atheist when his big brother asked him why he believes in God and his mother cut the conversation short by hissing Ricky's brother's name. I love that from simple body language and trying to keep something hidden, the entire lie was immediately exposed. I would love to hear other people's experiences like this when they were growing up. It's also simply a good thing for parents to remember. Kids are fucking smart and they're always thinking. Especially when you tell them they can't say or think or discuss something. They're going to put all of their faculties to working out why the adult reacted that way. Raise your kids with honesty and transparency since hiding and lying to them obviously doesn't fucking work anyway.

Now where was I? Oh yeah! The boob window! So, Boob Window, I mean Power Girl, probably isn't going to get to relax in the jacuzzi because she has to go save The Huntress from Robin.

Ha ha! That was a pretty funny statement! Someone needs to be saved from Robin! Well, it was twenty years ago. This century, Robin is a fucking sociopath.

Little sociopathic genius.

The fight really does break down into a petty sibling blow-out. And I wonder how much of The Huntress's loss of composure is due to the same feelings of jealousy and rivalry that Damian feels towards Bruce's previous Robins? The Huntress has lost her family and her entire world and here is a little angry brat that has everything but is too fucked up from his life with Talia to recognize it.

The Huntress seems to feel pretty secure with her secret. Why would Damian guess she's from an alternate world, right?

Meanwhile in space, Power Girl's addition to Morgan Edge's satellite mysterious disappears in-between two panels with BOOM sound effects. Sinister!

Huntress and Robin continue to bicker although bicker might not be strong enough a word for it since Damian seems intent on killing The Huntress. Or probably just severely maiming her just in case daddy is watching. He's pretty much come to the conclusion that The Huntress is possibly a bastard child of Bruce Wayne's but he doesn't really care much about that. What he's really mad about is yet another person coming along and telling him that he doesn't deserve the name or the uniform. Standing triumphantly on top of The Huntress while in a dumpster (can you stand triumphantly in a dumpster?), he proclaims that he is Robin!

I wonder how many internal organs were ruptured from this light kick?

At this point, Robin mentions the thieving of his dad's money has been happening weekly which The Huntress jumps all over. She's taken money once, she admits, and she was about to take a little more. But whoever Robin was after, it wasn't her. Robin says a corny line about seeing the truth in her eyes but I think he's just dying to know who the fuck she is, so he pretends to believe her so he can get her story. And since The Huntress wants to tell somebody and this somebody in particular can get her to maybe, possibly, meet her near-dad, she's going to tell him where she's from. Also, she now has Power Girl to back her up against this eleven year old monster. So why worry?

Next issue, Robin gets to learn about Earth 2!

Worlds' Finest #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. Power Girl and The Huntress have quickly become my two favorite characters in The New 52. I'm really showing my bias towards comics and characterizations built from an 80s aesthetic by enjoying this comic so much. But it's fun. And I think fun is the main thing I've been demanding from The New 52 since I started reading comics again at the beginning of the year.

Batgirl Annual #1

Whips. Latex. Three women fighting. This looks like the best Annual ever!

Dear Diary,

Why the heck am I up at 3 in the morning writing a new entry in you? Well I'll tell you why! I had a surprise dream that I totally wasn't even expecting to have! And it seemed kind of important, like if people didn't really know me that well, they might seem kind of interested in it and decide they want to know more about me. But then it also felt like the people who love me and really like to make sure I'm okay month after month wouldn't be that interested in it. But it was a pretty erotic dream, so I figure I should write it down! Catwoman was even there! That whore!

So it started out in the slums of Gotham City like most of my dreams. Hey, don't judge me, diary! I spend a lot of time there, fighting crime and increasing property values. In my dream, I'm looking over some buildings and I'm telling the story to someone I can't quite see. It's sort of a vague image of a person or maybe a couple people, possibly thousands of people. They're hanging on my every word so I try to be funny, you know, to get them on my side early!

That was funny, right? Was it? If it wasn't, blame my stupid dream head.

I'm looking down at all of these buildings from outside myself, assessing the situation. Six buildings on fire. Two blackouts. A bunch of thugs needing some facial reconstruction. And then I'm me again and I'm standing there in the thick of the fight, fire swirling all around me. I've got my grim face on and I think to myself, "Karma? Who needs fiskin' Karma?" Hmm, that's not right. I don't remember exactly what my dream-self thought but it was probably full of drama with maybe a super witty pun thrown in as well.

Turns out, these guys I'm fighting are just some homeless guys roped into burning a bunch of buildings. Sounds like insurance fraud! Or maybe the building owner is tired of the low rents in the slums and decided to burn down his buildings so he can rebuild some swanky ass swank condos with through the roof rents. Funny how in my dream world, I actually think some property is owned by someone other than Bruce Wayne!

Okay, let me backtrack a second! At this point in the dream, I didn't know it was a dream. But thinking back on it, I should have realized because of how goofy everything was. You know how dreams are? You're running around town looking desperately for a lost cat or something and the entire time, you're playing soccer with kobolds and flirting with the mailman. But it all seems to make sense until you find the cat and you call it "Boo boo" and you stop and think, "I don't own a cat!" And then you realize you're dreaming and you wake up almost instantly. Well, in this dream, I was fighting homeless people in a burning building until I told them to just knock it off. And they did just that!

Gah! So embarrassing. My hair was just awful in that dream.

And then the baby comes out of nowhere! Seriously? So the homeless guys leave and I save a mother and her baby. Now with six buildings burning, you'd think I'd be concerned about all of the other tenants, right? Well not tonight! Tonight I decided to take a six month old baby and her mother and dive through a plate glass window to the streets below! And right when I smashed through the window, I suddenly knew that Catwoman was watching me and she didn't flicking like me at all! In my own dream! Dick!

And then suddenly I'm Catwoman and I'm breaking the mute Talon I Batgirl met a few months ago out of jail. This is weird because I'm Catwoman and my boobs are flippin' gynormous (that's a pun!) although the weirdest part is that this Talon wasn't sent to Blackgate to be put on ice like all the rest of them. My brain really thinks Batman would slip up that badly? And I always thought I thought he could do no wrong. I mean, now that I'm awake I think that! But I apparently don't actually think that. Unless I'm reading too much into my dream. Really it's just all random bullpoop.

I had this dream one time where I could see a bleak and desolate landscape, smoke roiling out of volcanoes and dark thunderclouds covering the sky. Lightning flashes lit up more barren mountains. It was very cinematic. And then in a deep, calm voice, a narrator said, "Obviously, the dwarves won." Seriously? WTF, amirite?

Anywhats, back to my current dream! I break this Court of Owl's Talon out of jail as Catwoman (by the way, this Talon looks nothing like the poor little thing I defeated months ago), and then I'm back in my own hot little body looking for clues by visiting Rickey, the one-legged car thief! We're in an alley in the slums and, well, I've been kind of lonely and a little bit horny lately. So I'm not surprised the direction this dream went. Can I leave it at that, Diary?

I swear this is as far as we went!

So then out of nowhere, some weird old guy in glasses shows up with the answers I've been seeking. Talk about convenient! I'm like, "Arrr! Homeless people! Who sent you?!" And he's all, "Miss Bat! Miss Bat! I have the answers you seek!" And I'm like, "What? Oh! Okay! Cool beans!"

And just like that, I know where to look! I really should have realized it was a dream at this point! The flippin' wise old man shows up with an answer after I've been spending months and months dealing with female antagonists that always have some sort connection to a problem or issue in my own life? Hello? Wrestling with my Anima for the last year? I know, I know! It's weird that I'm not wrestling with my Animus but it makes sense, right? I'm like totally acting masculine all the time by following the Batboys around emulating their derring-do and punching people in the face and acting as if I had a couple of orbs secreting testosterone all up in my shit. But this dream with the wise old man with the ready answers is a good thing! It means I'm moving past some of my issues! I'm incorporating the different aspects of myself and becoming a stronger individual! I just hope nothing traumatic happens in the next week that could really set me back!

So back to the dream, the old man sends me to the guy behind the homeless person arson plot: Mr. Parsons! Yeah, you would think the reveal would be more dramatic but that's fruitin' dreams for you! I suppose the dream just decided the name "Parson" was sort of like the Person behind the Arson or something. Or maybe I was just thinking of my old martial arts instructor. So I get up on the roof and I'm watching for weird crap and guess who shows up?

All of a sudden this dream just entered fairy tale territory.

As I'm eavesdropping outside, Catwoman tells Parsons to go fuck himself or whore words to that effect. Unless it's affect. What do I care? This is my diary and if some grammar jerk is currently reading it, that's way worse than using the wrong word in the wrong place! I secretly admired Catwoman for standing up to this guy but it may have been the wrong move. Because he gets the Talon to turn on her! So I break in and save the day! Hooray Batgirl!

Boo Mr. Parsons!

And then I wet myself as four more Talons appear and sentence Catwoman to die. Sure, I probably could have gotten out of there since they didn't sentence ME to die! But what kind of a dream warrior would I be if I did that?

Speaking of wetting myself! I hate when I'm dreaming and I have to pee and the dream keeps getting interrupted over and over again as I find a place to tinkle. And then I tinkle (in my dream!) and try to go back to the dream but since I didn't really piddle, the feeling comes back and I have to interrupt the dream to wander off to find a place to pee again! That's so annoying!

Back to the fight, Catwoman and I are losing big time. Hey! It's four frickin' Talons against two itty bitty super hot and sexy girls! But luckily, my dream mind believes that I somehow researched who the Talon was that I fought! Crazy, right? Like I had any leads or anything! But in my dream, I knew exactly who she was and that her family had all been burned alive in Hiroshima (unless her family was killed by a Japanese Balloon Bomb in the Northwest many years later. That part of the dream was a bit fuzzy!). Anyway, her family was burned! So then Catwoman (being me at the same time that I was also Batgirl me!) says, "Yeah, dumby!" which I totally do not approve of even if my dream self did snicker a little bit. And so the Talon turns on the other Talons and saves our lives! Only to be betrayed by the guy she betrayed that betrayed Catwoman earlier! Yeah, yeah. I have some subconscious issues with betrayal that need to be dealt with.

Ha ha! Liquid Nitrogen filled bullets! I can't believe I didn't wake up laughing at this! My head is so filled with nonsense!

And then everything stops so the guy can answer his cell phone. After I woke up, I checked my cell phone. And I had a missed call from Alysia just a few minutes before I woke up! So I heard my phone ring while sleeping and Mr. Parsons answers his phone in the middle of the dream at the weirdest moment! And the call ends up being from some mystery Court of Owls person that tells Mr. Parsons to shoot himself in the head! And just like that, we won!

But the police were on the way and Catwoman had to get out or she was in big trouble. But she wouldn't leave the Talon for the authorities. She decided she would distract the cops while I helped the Talon get away.

And this was so ridiculous that I realized I was dreaming and woke up.

Can you believe it, Diary? Catwoman doing something that selfless? Right? Ka-Ray-Z! Anywhom, I'm flippin' beat. I wonder what Alysia wanted? She's out with that new guy she's been dating that she hasn't introduced me to yet. I hope everything is okay! Goodnight, Stephanie my brown Diary!

Batgirl Annual #1 Rating: Jungian.

Swamp Thing Annual #1

Will the Narration Boxes in this issue be in the voice of Liev Schreiber?

I have two annuals left before I'm done with all of the comic books in my to-read pile. But there's no anticipation for them. I'm not excited to read them at all. And since I'm in no way anticipating a good read from The Swamp Thing annual, might I suggest you just skip reading this commentary and enjoy some Future Retard instead?

This issue begins with an enormous Swamp Thing reacting to the news that Abigail Arcane is dead. The editors decide to drop a note for any regular readers stricken with a moment of What the Fuck?

Hopefully he's super-sized because he just consumed all of the rotten Teen Titans.

This opening scene doesn't have anything to do with the annual's story which is a tale told by the Parliament, full of bullshit and ancient history, signifying I'm out five bucks. This story begins with a very young Alec Holland having been invited to the Carpathian Mountains, Abigail's homeland, for reasons I've yet to read. And then I read the reasons!

The town which has not been named (possibly Latveria?) has absolutely no vegetation due to a soviet nuclear accident of some kind. And since Holland has been getting really good grades in Botany in college, he's been invited over by a Dr. Doom Mr. Arcane to help restore the town. That Arcane! What a philanthropic leader.

Or insane monster.

While Anton Arcane hems his suit, Alec Holland studies the landscape surrounding the castle. After seeing no vegetation at all, he suddenly spies some purple flowers growing in the distance. He heads out to investigate and runs into Abigail Arcane. Alec is no Donald Draper because he doesn't immediately fuck her while they both remain ninety percent clothed. Instead, they flirt innocently enough in the shadow of Anton Arcane's gigantic phallus.

Sorry about spoiling sixty percent of all Mad Men episodes with that Donald Draper line!

Abby decides to give Alec a tour of the still unnamed town Since she calls the flowers Alec finds, "The Flower," I suppose the town is simply called "The Town."

Although it might be called Castle Grayskull.

Alec and Abby tour the town and share some chemistry. Whatever happens in this annual, I'm beginning to suspect it'll set the foundation for the story about how Abby survived the plane crash. Although I'm not sure how much of that stuff matters at this point since, once again, there is no way the year that has passed that killed everyone on Earth is going to remain actual continuity!

So Alec and Abby feel like they've met somewhere before which leads to first base.

Who the hell has she been kissing in this town? Everyone is either really old, really young, or full of radiation sores.

Alec dumps a shitload of Foxglove seeds in the river just outside Grayskull Village. These foxgloves may become important later! After this, he makes a date with Abby for breakfast and then heads back to Castle Von Doom for a chat with Anton Arcane. And after the chat, he'll settle down with a nice cup of being murdered.

Alec studies The Flower and discovers it's just a bunch of rotting organic material that's pretending to be a flower. It also causes memory loss which Abby was complaining about. That's also enough to explain why Abby and Alec never retain this memory of meeting each other. I think I need a few of those flowers so I can forget how much I hate The Ravagers. Maybe then I'll be excited for each new issue! Although I'll be horribly disappointed after each new issue as well. So I'd better make sure I have a lot of The Flowers. Maybe I already have some and I've forgotten where I put them?

Anton Arcane checks in on Alec to make sure he's ready to be killed. He is! So Arcane knocks him out with the Rot Flowers. But one of the Parliament of Trees gives its life to save Alec. It uproots itself from The Green and travels through the Foxglove seeds into Grayskull Village. It grabs Alec and escapes with him although Alec's mind has already been fogged up by the Rot Flower. The Parliamentary Swamp Thing manages to deliver Alec to Jason Woodrue so that Woodrue can transport him back to Louisiana. In exchange for his service to The Green, Woodrue will be rewarded. I think he'll be turned into the Floronic Man or something crazy like that.

And that's the end of that story. Which leads to the end of the main story.

Hopefully you just took my earlier advice and read Future Retard.

Swamp Thing Annual #1 Rating: Forgetful. Ha ha! That was a play on words. What it actually was was kind of cute and funny. Not much horror in cute and funny though. No wonder Alec Holland was allowed to forget it. This is a horror comic, not a teen romance.

Action Comics Annual #1

Superman's most deadly foe cannot be a man in a purple and green leotard with a bad stache. He kind of looks like one of Jack Tripper's friends down at the Regal Beagle. Or maybe a more current pop culture reference.

The first thing this story explains to the reader is that it takes place after the events of Action Comics #8. I have no idea what was going on in issue eight so I check the cover. Looks like that was the issue where he fought Brainiac, cleared the satellite, rescued Tiny Metropolis and Kandor, and received his Super Suit. At least this annual isn't part of the current Action Comics story arc.

Forgive me if I don't put any great effort into commenting on any of these annuals. It just seems like extra work for extra long half-assed stories. With Sholly Fisch writing, it's like I'm paying five dollars for an extra-long back-up story. They're not even worth the extra dollar they normally cost. Plus this one is about Superman and I've never really been a fan of Superman. Why? Because he's Lawful Good, that's why! Although if I were writing Superman stories, the conflict would probably revolve mostly around ethical dilemmas since he can overpower anything that comes into physical conflict with him. And when he has trouble battling a foe, the writer has twist logic into a pretzel to make it any way believable.

Unless Superman's foe has Kryptonite Fists!

Unless I'm completely wrong. Like I said, I've never been a very big fan of Superman. I guess he could be attacked by magic and mind-raping antagonists. He always gets fucked over by those guys.

I guess being crazy helps as well. What the hell is a "bopuifs"?

This everyman hates Superman because Superman put him in the hospital while taking away his wife and his home. He doesn't offer any details to this story. I'm pretty sure he's leaving out the details that might make him seem like the bad guy and make Superman look like Wonder Woman.

Project K-Man needs test subjects as they try to create a defense against Superman. Their first plan is to irradiate some poor volunteer with Kryptonite to see if it'll give him any powers. That poor jerk is, of course, the guy with the mustache. Ramsay. The process is supposed to take weeks but being that this is their first trial and I'm really beginning to suspect that nobody involved on the project is an actual scientist, the process is completed in a few seconds.

Science! Fucking with things we don't understand since, well, never you mind since when. It's been a long time, okay? And how do you expect science to understand things if it only fucks with things it understands? Get off our back!

The brand new K-Man immediately makes his public debut and begins beating on Superman. Superman recognizes him instantly which means I should probably recognize him too! Turns out he's a wife beater from Action Comics #1 that Superman took care of. See? I knew he was fudging his story earlier and leaving out the parts that made Superman look like a hero and made Clay Ramsay look like a pile of dog shit.

Unless you're Clay Ramsay or some other wife-beater. Then Superman just looks like a holier than thou jerk butting his head into business that doesn't concern him. Although I do have to wonder about Superman's choices in stopping the abuse. He throws Ramsay out of a window and into the river. He tells Ramsay that he knew the fall wasn't enough to kill him. But it was enough to break both of his legs. Isn't that one of those decisions that keeps Batman up at night? Superman has all the power in the world to stop one normal human being (yes, he's a dick but that's beside the point right now!) and he chooses to risk that human's life while capturing him. Superman may have figured the fall wasn't high enough to kill the man but every injury has the possibility of ending a person's life, especially broken legs.

I don't really see what Superman did as that much of a problem. He is still young and reckless and his ideologies and beliefs are still greater than his control of his emotions. Hopefully he'll learn from this, though. No matter what Superman tells himself or Ramsay, he was careless with Ramsay's life. Whether or not Ramsay deserved any care is a completely other conversation that will probably end with everyone believing he deserved a little bit of his own medicine. And by medicine I mean fists in his face.

Now Ramsay is the great K-Man! And he and Superman are both realizing that K-Man's proximity to Superman is making Superman weaker and weaker. So Superman is lucky that Metropolis has another hero that I don't particularly care for!

Steel is basically Cyborg that can still fuck.

Steel hands Superman a bag and then continues to beat on K-Man. But it looks like the Kryptonite infusion didn't just make him powerful against Superman. K-Man actually seems to be as strong as Superman even if his Kryptonite Radiation wasn't making Superman weaker. So Steel doesn't really stand a chance. He's just there to buy some time while Superman puts on the radiation suit Steel brought him.

And have I mentioned no wonder I though K-Man's look was so trashy? It's because he's a fucking wife-beater! I tend to forget to tie up some of the comments I make! Like in Batman Incorporated #4 when I began the issue wondering who Wingman was and if the alias was for a recognizable DC Hero. And then Damain begins wondering who he is as well! And then everyone learns that Wingman is...well, I won't spoil it here! I should really only try to spoil the comic in the title of each commentary, just in case someone hasn't read any of the others from this month. Lazy!

By the way, Superman knocks out K-Man. And then he and Steel hang out on the corner resting from the fight and getting to know each other better.

Yeah, two boring heroes! Metropolis sucks!

Steel, being much smarter than Superman, realized immediately that K-Man's powers were derived from Kryptonite. But why does everyone know what Kryptonite is? Has Superman revealed to the public that he's from the planet Krypton? Did he even know at this point? I know when he ran into his rocket, it spoke Kryptonese to him but he didn't have any idea what that was. And Luthor seems to know about Krypton before he should as well.

I guess I'll just have to believe Luthor knew about Krypton since nearly 700 comic books later, I just can't retain every little bit of every single book I've read!

The issue ends with Steel, having been inspired by Superman, traveling the world and helping people with technology. Luthor and Abernathy, having discovered the Kryptonite is Superman's weakness, move on to bigger and more deadly things. And General Lane, Lois's father, has K-Man in custody and has offered him a deal to be the defense against Superman that they've been searching for. But he'll only work with them if they find his wife so he can beat her up and love her some more.

A short back-up story follows that shows the origin of The Atomic Skull. He's also a wife beater except he beat his wife to death before escaping onto an experimental STAR Labs submarine which crashed and exposed him to some kind of radiation which led to him being able to yell purple until his face eventually falls off. The end!

Action Comics Annual #1 Rating: This was a good Annual that does what annuals are supposed to do. It showed off some of Action Comics main characters and told a stand-alone story for potential readers. I also like how it shows some important parts of the history between Luthor and Superman so it makes the Annual worthwhile for regular readers of the series as well while not forcing it to be mandatory because it's tied in to the regular series story arc.

Aquaman #13

Aquadog is going to get one of The Relics and become a hero as well? I can't wait!

Aquaman, you better get back to impressing me damn quick or I'm going to begin thinking up more jokes about you! I know, I know! It's cool to think Aquaman is awesome. But have you noticed that everyone is trying just a little bit too hard to be a fan? Everyone is just a little bit too defensive. The underlying truth that you're the most useless member of the Justice League can't be erased by loudly shouting how amazing Aquaman is and photoshopping him defeating Cthulu. The one issue so far that focused on Mera was the best fucking episode of this title so far! It really should be about her since I'm like her powers better and I like her attitude better and I like her butt better. I also just think she has a more interesting story to tell. But I guess I'm stuck with you.

So impress me, Aquaman. Impress the fuck out of me.

The issue continues with Aquaman once again sending all of his friends away. They just want to help but he's seen two of them die because of him and he's had enough. It's time for this rivalry with Black Manta to end.

I bet they kiss and make up.

Black Manta has Ya'wara's teleportation orb, so Aquaman's big moment where he confronts Black Manta alone never happens. Arthur heads back to The Others and they track Black Manta aboard The Operative's airplane. On board, everyone gets all weepy and confessiony. Dr. Shin whines about it being his fault that he hired Black Manta so many years ago which resulted in Arthur's father's death. But Arthur acknowledges the doctor said his father's heart attack was inevitable, so it wasn't Black Manta's fault. So Arthur whines that he's to blame for everything since he killed Black Manta's father by accident when he meant to kill Black Manta. But his friends point out that Black Manta's father was a right old bastard that was wanted for murder, so it's probably okay that Aquaman killed him. The whole situation is a gigantic clusterfuck that Aquaman and Black Manta have kept going for over five years now.

And not a very good one at that.

Eventually Black Manta's teleporting stops in the middle of the ocean where he's meeting with some Atlanteans in a giant ship shaped like a crawdad. They're paying him for the return of the scepter and giving him control of the surface world once they take over everything. But Aquaman arrives in time to steal the scepter and kill the deal.

And it looks like Ocean Master, Aquaman's brother Orm, is captain of the crawdad. But he's not ready to confront Aquaman, especially now that Aquaman has the Scepter. Although he doesn't have it for long. One of the Atlanteans has some kind of Spiderman web technology that he uses to grab the Scepter. As soon as he has it, Orm's ship shuts down and sinks into the water, leaving Black Manta to kill Aquaman and his friends.

Or you know, vicey versy.

In the end, Aquaman risks his life to save all of his remaining friends and then doesn't kill Black Manta when he has the chance. Oh, Aquaman. At least you could have been the Justice League member that kills his enemies. But I guess Wonder Woman already has that role.

When it's all over, Aquaman questions whether it was Orm working with Black Manta or not. Is there any other villain from Atlantis that Aquaman would be dealing with? I have to stick with my assumption that it was Orm. By the way this issue ends, it's possible the people behind retrieving the Scepter are simply trying to bring Arthur back to rule Atlantis. Perhaps its a group that wants to rid Atlantis of Orm's rule. Whoever it is, they seem to think that Mera is going to stand in the way of getting Aquaman back on the throne. But that's a story for next month.

Aquaman #13 Rating: No change. Although this series has had some of the best emotional moments, the overall plots haven't really engaged me that much. Mera's story was the best of the bunch so far. And The Others had a few issues that felt exciting but was ruined by other issues that spent many pages spinning its wheels and going nowhere. And the ending was a bit sloppy as well. Black Manta did all of this to earn some treasure and to rule the surface once Aquaman is out of the way (dead or underwater ruling Atlantis, I guess). But then when Aquaman defeated him, Black Manta readily called for Arthur to kill him. Seems to me like he got what he wanted and should have teleported out of there. I guess what he really wanted was to die by Aquaman's hands. But he could do that anytime in anyway without some huge convoluted plot. Oh well. I guess Black Manta will be back in a few issues to try his hand at dying again.

Red Lanterns #13

The final issue of the triptych Third Army cover. Let's hope the fucking intergalactic ball really gets rolling here.

Everything in the lives of the Red Lanterns has finally calmed down as much as their lava-filled bloodstreams will let it. The Battery has been rebuilt and the Guardians' plan to destroy them has failed. Now they're just sitting around Ysmault filling skulls with blood from the Blood Ocean when they hear the cry of one seeking vengeance in the universe. This cry crosses 2300 sectors of space to reach them.

And I guess Atrocitus and Bleez have put their problems behind them.

A young girl on the planet Arhtky has been captured by a brutal tribal leader named Cord. He's killed her parents and her sister and now forces her to dance and serve drinks for his men. It is her rage that has caught the attention of the Red Lanterns. And maybe it's a good thing The Third Army is going to pull the Red Lanterns into the Guardians' bullshit once again. Because I don't know if a Red Lanterns book about them going from planet to planet punishing people for making other people really mad is much of a book. But until the Borg Lanterns show up, the Red Lanterns arrive like a genie from a bottle to grant the wishes of the now dying young girl, struck down as she tried to escape her captor.

Nope. Just random bullshit.

Once everyone in the area not a Red Lantern is dead and the conflict is over, the Borg Lanterns show up. And while they just looked goofy and cartoonish in the other Green Lantern titles, they actually look creepy and threatening in this book.

Nice work, Sepulveda. Even though I don't usually mind goofy and cartoonish, I think a cosmic threat should actually be scary.

The Borg Lanterns seem impervious to every attack the Red Lanterns have. Rankorr the human Red Lantern notices that their eyes do not seem to belong to them. He also notices that they keep trying to rip his arm off.

Kind of like that!

Once a Borg Lantern manages to separate a Red Lantern from its power ring, they're able to assimilate it into the Third Army. Atrocitus throws off the other Borg Lanterns to get a close examination of the newly transformed Red Lantern, Skorch, and notices that Rankorr was right. This Borg Lantern still has his Red Lantern's eyes.

It's the eyes thing that make them look so goofy in the other Green Lantern titles.

When Atrocitus puts out the eyes of his former Red Lantern, all of the Borg Lanterns feel the pain. So he learns their eyes are a weakness and that they are not individuals but act as a large organism. Like ants! Or, um, let me think...Borg!

Atrocitus has one of those Dr. House moments at this point where he suddenly knows how they can be killed. He doesn't clue anybody else into his epiphany though. That'll have to wait until next issue.

Milligan ends the issue with the character he began it with in a three panel scene that I simply adore.

Red Lanterns #13 Rating: +2 Ranking. One problem with commenting on comic books as I read them is that when I don't guess where the plot is headed, I make assumptions in the first half of my commentaries that I don't really go back and correct. I just sort of change direction and go with the comic. By the end, I sometimes forget to recalibrate the things I said earlier to fit what was going on in the story. So let me try that a bit here.

The first half of this story, I felt was a boring concept. Someone in the universe gets angry enough for any reason and the Red Lanterns swoop in to kill shit. But that definitely wasn't the point of this story. The comic begins with the enslaved woman claiming their was no justice in the universe. And then the people who mistreated her and killed her kin end up slaughtered. She sees this as possible justice even though the Red Lanterns have claimed they are not about justice but vengeance. That's okay! She doesn't know that. But by the end, after seeing all she's seen, she come around to changing her mind. Maybe there is justice! Maybe someone is in control! There is meaning and righteousness and rewards! And then she's assimilated by a Borg Lantern. Fucking perfect.

That's the story here and I take back any of my complaints from earlier. If Millgan wants to tell stories like this using the plot contrivance of the Red Lanterns following screams of rage around the universe, I'm all for it. It really is reminiscent of Shade the Changing Man's pursuit of the American Scream from Shade's comic book of the early nineties. Is Atrocitus this millennium's Shade?

All that gained it one rank. The other rank was gained due to Sepulveda actually making the Third Army feel like a real threat instead of goofy fucking bug-eyed dancing skeletons.