Justice League Dark #12

Is Dr. Mist on their side again? He's so temperamental.

Faust escaped with the map to the Books of Magic last issue. But Constantine got a look at the map before it happened. I expect the next few issues to be like those episodes of G.I. Joe when the Joes and Cobra were all running around trying to beat each other to the pieces of the deadly weather machine. Those were some exciting after school television watching sessions!

The first page of this issue goes over Dr. Mist's New 52 origin. His centuries old rivalry with Felix Faust is a thing of the past. Instead, he was merely a doctor in a war torn African country. When his wife was killed in the conflict, he turned to magic to try to bring her back. But nothing would work. And then Felix Faust approached him and told him of the Books of Magic. With Mist's reputation, he was able to infiltrate ARGUS and steal the key to open the tesseract to find the log which housed the frog who ate the Books of Magic at the bottom of some unknown interdimensional planescape.

Of course he had to betray the good guys and side with a right evil bastard to do this. Which seems like a bad decision since he's more than likely not going to get a chance at the Books if he's traveling with Faust. If he's just stuck with the others once they got the Tesseract, I'm sure John would have helped him out with his wife.

John noticed the Books were in Slaughter Swamp just outside of Gotham City. That's where Jonah Hex, Amadeus Arkham, and Tallulah Black were held captive by the Crime Bible Cult! It's also where Dr. Thirteen's Haunted Highwayman was living. But Zatanna tracks Faust and Mist's portal to find that they headed back to Peru. So Justice League Dark is going to split up! Basically that means one of them is going to get a chainsaw in the midsection, especially if two people in one of the groups ends up fucking in a sleeping bag. And that could happen to either team since Black Orchid heads off with John Constantine while Deadman heads off with Zatanna. I guess Deadman can't fuck anybody, sleeping bag or not. But Black Orchid hates Constantine so much that the chemistry is electric!

Meanwhile, Xanadu learns from Timothy Hunter how he gave up his magic.

Depending on who ends up with this magic, it could be really interesting or hardly worth mentioning. I hope Cheeks the Toy Wonder got the magic!

Waiting for Faust and Mist is a man working with them to recover the Books. He smokes like Constantine and has a dragon tattoo life Constantine. But he remains in the shadows and I have no clue who he might be. Unless he's somehow Constantine!

I remember in Hellblazer way back when, Constantine had sort of a sidekick. Really just a friend who did stuff with him and got into trouble. I don't remember his name or what happened to him (probably killed!) but what if he got Tim's magic and this is him? A new rival for John?

The mystery man sends Faust to deal with Xanadu in London while he waits with Mist for Zatanna and Deadman to arrive. Dr. Mist also informs the mystery man that Constantine controls the House of Mystery which brings up an interesting question. When they visited the House, Constantine said that he could return any of them to the House now that he brought them to it. Can he now call back Dr. Mist? What about Abnegezer, Rath, and Ghast?

Black Orchid and Constantine are currently traveling to Slaughter Swamp in the House of Mystery.

I knew Orchid was magical in nature. But I thought they were changing that up for The New 52. I guess not!

Black Orchid wonders why John doesn't try to get back together with Zatanna since they have a history. And John explains that probably won't happening seeing as how the death of her father, Zatarra, was his fault. Plus he lies about everything. And he's always involved with demons. And the apocalypse follows him around like a lost puppy.

Black Orchid and John arrive in Slaughter Swamp and begin to explore. It isn't long before they don't find what they're looking for. Instead, they find this guy:

And in Peru, Zatanna and Deadman meet up with the foresty version of this guy, Blackbriar Thorn!

Meanwhile, the mystery man is checking looking into some real estate. He's got an eye on the House of Secrets. Dr. Occult seems to be the current owner of the House of Secrets. So the mystery man negotiates a deal to secure the house from him.

Dr. Occult should have waited for a better offer.

Justice League Dark #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Since Issue #13 won't be out until October, I would have liked for the mystery man to be revealed at the end of this one. I think it would have given more tension for the fans to see who the enemy was and then have to wait two months for any kind of resolution. Now the fans have to wait two months while they forget what was going on and then the reveal will happen and they'll scratch their heads and have to dig out this issue from the box to figure out why it was such a surprise. Anyway, I'm glad to see the House of Secrets! I hope the Houses fight!
Oh yeah. And someone didn't give the cover artist the notes that Dr. Mist betrayed the group and is no longer fighting for them. Plus, the whole living jungle thing didn't really happen. It sort of got a prologue and a hint that it was about to happen. But nothing so far.

The Savage Hawkman #12

Pike is so tiny compared to Hawkman. With stubby little arms!

The sad news has broken: Rob Liefeld has quit DC Comics. His reasons were that he was sick and tired of fighting with editorial about every little decision. And since I'm reading The New 52 and some of the worst moments have been caused by editorial, I believe him. Also, I've always hated being micromanaged at any job I've ever done. I understand DC wants to keep continuity but it doesn't sound like they're going about it the right way. And their world building bullshit which forces the writer's to use other characters from other titles every few issues must be a complete pain in the writers' collective asses. Being used to doing freelance work, I don't blame Liefeld for leaving.

On the other eight hands, if I had to edit Liefeld's stories, my fucking head would explode. If what I've been reading is Liefeld having won 80% of his battles against the editors, I can't imagine what kind of a train wreck it would be if he'd had complete control! In my mind, the editors weren't fighting hard enough to make the comics as good as they could be. And look at it this way, Liefeld: you got to kill Lobo! Oh, sure, they probably let you because Lobo's regenerative powers can handle pretty much anything. But still! You really got to kill Lobo! Sort of. I mean, really, an explosion? That was all it took to kill him? But still. You had the opportunity to have Deathstroke kill Lobo and really make it cool and interesting and have a big knock down drag out fight with two of the meanest, baddest assed DC characters and you have Deathstroke run away and then come back to have Lobo die in an explosion.

Hmm. You know what? Have fun doing whatever you're going to do! Best wishes but I won't be reading any other shit you produce. Ever! Good riddance! I mean, Good luck! Oh, wait. I still have to read this comic book and then all three Issue Zeroes you worked on. I'm celebrating too soon!

Back to Hawkman, I wonder what Liefeld and Poulton will teach me in the Narration Boxes on the first page of this issue of Hawkman! Elementary school oral report time!

Oh goody! We're learning about Mercenaries today! Be sure to note your sources, Liefeld! Source for this Narration Box: www.merriam-webster.com!

Interesting. Could you expound on this point a bit?

You know, I've never thought of it in quite that way!

Source: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, 1988.

Sure, sure. If you ignore the fact that the other side used them too and failed in their endeavor.

Thanks for that oral report, Robby. C minus!

 

During all of that, the first page panels are just replaying Pike shooting Hawkman. And then there's a little scene in which Rob must have won one of his 80% battles. Because at the end of last issue, Emma was cradling Hawkman on the roof after he'd been shot. Pike descended beside them to say some shit and end with, "I'm Pike and it's my absolute pleasure to kill you, Hawkman." To which Carter replies, "You've taken your best shot, 'Pike.' Now allow me to return the favor."

But this issue begins with Hawkman being shot and falling off of the roof before any conversation happens at all. And then Pike dives on Hawkman as Hawkman falls (because Pike falls at a faster rate than Hawkman? Oh! His wings probably cause his descent to slow and Pike must have been shooting his rifle at near point blank range) and begins to have a conversation with him that completely ignores last issue's conversation.

Oh, okay! Now he wants Hawkman alive!

Rob, I have absolutely no sympathy for the fact that you were constantly battling the editors. Fuck continuity and the weird shit they may not want you to do with their characters. But it's their job to make sure that when these comics are published in a trade paperback, the story flows from one issue to the next. Can you imagine reading this mess in the trade paperback? "Oh, hey, this scene was just repeated twice in two very different ways. That's a bit odd! I wonder what happ...oh. Rob Liefeld was plotting this fucker." One of Rob's tweets mentioned how editors work for the freelancers and they should be fired occasionally so that they know who is in charge. And I'm not big fan of editorial controlling what a writer's doing. But this is the kind of shit that happens when an artist that thinks he's a writer ignores editorial. Or maybe editorial didn't like the way you ended last issue and they wanted you to change the whole scene in this issue and ignore what happened before. If that was the case (it's not. No way in hell that's the case), then by all means your point about interference is well-founded! You stick it to the man!

And then I found something more interesting to read on the internet than this fecal matter disguised as a comic book: Rob Liefeld versus Scott Snyder on Twitter!

Rob Liefeld: It’s not you. It never has been. It’s Batman.
Scott Snyder:I can assure you batman doesn’t sell the way it does because it’s Batman. It sells that way because of me and Greg (Capullo).
Rob Liefeld: Get over yourself you pretentious prick @Ssnyder1835
Rob Liefeld: Been berated in DM’s by @Ssnyder1835 this morning. Excuse me if I don’t marvel at your amazing abilities to write Batman. Piss off.
Rob Liefeld: I’d like to think that if your going to wave your ego around on Batman you’d remember all that came before you. Holeee crap
Rob Liefeld: Average Batman book sells 80k. ‘Nuff said.
Scott Snyder: Nice! Your Twitter feeds the best thing you’ve written all year :-)
Rob Liefeld: Of course, because its not edited
Scott Snyder: Aw, I’ll give you credit Rob! :) Batman might sell inspite of me and @GregCapullo as u say, but deathstroke & Hawkman failed because of you!
Scott Snyder: Credit where it’s due, brother :-) and that’s all I’ll say on that. Ah, comics.
Rob Liefeld: my sales went up on those books @Ssnyder1835 sorry bud.
Scott Snyder: Lol. And you can put that in your pouch and keep it for later :-)
Rob Liefeld: one word, HAUNT. 2 words SWAMP THING – not all creations equal
Rob Liefeld: Batman is the number one selling character in the history of the biz. Period. End of story. Will endure beyond creator careers

Rob has a point about Batman titles selling since Dark Knight and Detective suck but they seem to be surviving just fine. But it sidesteps the real issue. The current run of Batman with Capullo and Snyder at the helm is a fucking fantastic book. It hasn't been number one on my ranking list since Issue #1 because I'm a Batman fanboy. The book is number one because it's being written so well.

Also, Snyder saying that Deathstroke and Hawkman failed because of Rob is harsh. Before Rob was even given Hawkman (by Tony Daniel) and Grifter (by Nathan Edmondson), they were either at the bottom of my rankings or very near. They were given to Rob because they sucked and DC wanted something to change. Now when Rob says the numbers jumped because of him, I have to agree. But not because he's doing better work than the previous writers. Oh fucking lord he's not. But because Liefeld has fans that like his shit. And comic book readers follow the writers and artists they like from book to book. So of course there was an initial jump and probably a round of Liefeld fans proclaiming the books are suddenly awesome. But they aren't. They are poorly written.

And in reference to that part where I say I'm not a Batman fanboy and somebody wants to go back through the shit I've written to find all of the times I proclaim "Batman could do that!" or "Batman could kick his ass!" or whatnot, that's fucking hyperbole. I say those things because of Rob's point about Batman. DC loves that fucker. He can do no wrong! If I were reading Marvel in the same way, I'd just replace "Batman" with "Wolverine." Same deal. I should probably get back to reading Hawkman now!

On the very next page, Hawkman is all better. He takes to the air in an effort to gain the advantage. But Pike is able to swing from wires and dance on rooftops and keep up with Hawkman who apparently doesn't want to fly too high. Oh yeah, Pike also shows more of his love for television as he calls Hawkman "Harvey Birdman" and "Tweety Bird." The wit on this guy is fucking huge. Women's jaws drop when they see this sucker.

Pike eventually climbs up to a rooftop where he's parked Lobo's space hog. He takes off on it and Hawkman pursues him. If I were Hawkman, I'd just let him go. Although I imagine Pike intends to turn around and fight him at some point. He seems to want Hawkman to fight with him at any rate.

Yes! Please stop with the internal monologue! Although I don't know how Pike can read it. Is Pike related to Deadpool?

Pike shoots a steel cable which wraps around Hawkman and constricts him.

It really is beginning to sound like a young romance novel!

And I add this caption just for grammar posterity.

I'm still thinking about Pike's pop culture references. I know I make a lot of old references but I'm not trying to sell a product to the young'ns! Love Boat. Gilligan's Island. Tweety Bird. I guess Harvey Birdman is the newest one he's thrown out their so far and that's still about five years old.

Eventually Hawkman and Emma catch Pike and his smart-ass space hog (yes, it speaks and it's female). Using a GPS device Hawkman took off of the motorcycle, they find Pike's hidden spaceship floating over Tuscany. The subsequent conversation plays out like a discussion from one of Soy Rakelson's Warhammer games that he would take us through in high school.

And this is probably the best dialogue in the book so far!

After claiming that Hawkman can't touch him if he doesn't spill the beans, Pike spills the beans. The Kherubim pulled the Daemonites out of the Bleed (or something. I think this has been gone over in Stormwatch or Grifter or Voodoo or Superman) to work for them. But the Daemonites rebelled and destroyed the Kherubim. Then the Daemonites traveled to Thanagar to destroy it. Thanagar doesn't want to be destroyed though! So they have sent people in search of Hawkman and his Nth metal because they think he can save the day. I guess while Grifter is the Chosen One for Earth, Hawkman is the Chosen One for Thanagar.

Only one slight problem with Pike's explanation.

The Daemonites are not led by Helspont. He was a prisoner in Stormwatch's The Eye of the Storm until he escaped and ended up in Superman. In Superman, he told Supes how the other Daemonites became envious and fearful of Helspont, so they rose up against him and imprisoned him. Now Helspont is working with Grifter (sort of) and Voodoo (kind of) to take over Earth himself and wipe out the other Daemonites. So unless this story Pike is telling is ancient (and his verb tenses make it seem current), it's a bunch of continuity fucking hooey!

After story time, Pike sets off some kind of magic gas from The Bleed which incapacitates Emma and Carter. Pike then drags them outside to await the person (or bird maiden!) who hired Pike. The ship descends and out steps Hawkwoman! Maybe. I don't know since I haven't turned the page yet! But, come on! Pike basically just revealed that. And he said his boss was a woman.

Hawkwoman seems to have a terrific set of *error* *error* Memory overflow!

As soon as Hawkwoman speaks, Carter Hall remembers everything. He remembers being in love with her. He remembers being Katar Hol. He remembers that she vowed to kill him when last they saw each other. I wonder if he remembers why he was out in the woods trying to burn the Nth Metal when we first met him way back in Issue #1. Because I'd like to know all about that! Maybe it'll be explained in Issue #0. But I doubt it since that was part of Tony Daniel's story arc and not Rob Liefeld's.

The Savage Hawkman #12 Rating: It's at the fucking bottom of the heap! How much further can I drop this turd?

Legion of Super-heroes #12

I'm declaring Paul Levitz needs to give the inside scoop on Duplicate Damsel's powers immediately! Am I supposed to feel awful when one of her duplicates is killed? Can her duplicates be killed? Are they all driven off a single consciousness so that it doesn't matter if even the original dies? As long as one is left? If she were pregnant and she split into four Damsels, would they all be pregnant and capable of delivering a different child? Or am I supposed to just shut up and accept whatever Levitz gives me?

Last issue, a few members of Legion were on some planet and they were being rescued by some other members of Legion and then Comet Queen knocked out Brainiac and now they've all been captured. This issue, they'll rally and defeat the Dominators. But it's how they'll do it that remains a mystery! At least to me since I can barely remember any of their names or powers.

The captured Legionnaires have been trussed up and tied to platters. They're going to be served to the fattest Dominator of them all, Primus Dom. Somehow Dream Girl escapes her bonds first. Perhaps she took a nap and saw how she would escape in a few minutes and that dream showed her how to escape and so she does it in a few minutes. I would have guessed that Duplicate Damsel would have just made some duplicates of herself. Those duplicates wouldn't be tied up? It makes more sense than Dream Girl escaping! Unless she has some escape artist skills I don't know about.

Oh, well that explains that then!

Anyway, it kind of explains it. Apparently some Legionnaires can be held by junk locks. I would think Star Boy could have done something with his density powers. And Chunk or Chuck or Bouncing Boy or whatever could have probably expanded and popped the locks. But the best bet still would have been Duplicate Damsel simply making a bunch of herself and unlocking all the other locks. It is possible the locks somehow kept their powers in check. But with the variety of races and powers that make up Legion, that's just too much to believe even for a comic book that takes place 1000 years in the future! Okay, maybe it isn't. One thousand years is a long time.

Duplicate Damsel is the first person Dream Girl frees because, lo and behold, she makes a bunch of duplicates of herself and each one frees a different Legionnaire! When she frees Bouncing Boy, this takes place:

This is just weird. Do the Duplicate Damsels retain the same personality when created? So there is DD Prime and DD #1 and DD #2 and so on? Is the first duplicate created always #1? Or can she duplicate to make any of the personalities? Or do the personalities expire when the body goes away? If that is the case, this power is the most tragic power in the DCnU!

The general Dominators seem pretty useless. But they have created a Daxamite-Dominator hybrid which they let loose on Legion. From what I know of Legion of Super-heroes history (not much), a Daxamite can probably defeat this handful of Legion members unless they happen to have some lead on them. But if anyone of these idiots can figure out how to defeat it, I guess it'll be Brainiac 5.

Yes! Yes! I see where you're going with this!

Actually, unless his next sentence is "And then we'll hit him with a lead pipe!", I've got nothing. Brainiac 5 instructs Star Boy to increase the gravity around the Daxinator. It's beyond his powers but being that it's their only chance and Dream Girl tells him, "If you dream it, you can do it!", he does it! But that's only the first Daxinator to hatch. Several others are about to hatch and the Legionnaires don't have any back up. But Mon El has a plan back on Earth to get the proof they need to send reinforcements.

Mon El and Ultra Boy produce an ex-Legion Member who can project images from far away. She shows the council that Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl are fighting for their lives against the Dominators. Mon El and Ultra Boy fly off to the Dominator's home world. I'm sure they'll arrive months later to find their friends have all been eaten.

Nevermind. They arrive in just a few minutes.

And everyone is rescued and head back to Earth. Comet Queen returns as a prisoner for betraying everyone and acting like an asshole. That's another boring issue down! And a boring commentary as well. I just can't get excited to read about all of these Damsels and Lads!

Legion of Super-heroes #12 Rating: -1 Ranking. This was simply a big fight scene with no innovation at all. The bureaucratic mess on Earth finally gets solved long after it should have been. I think this proves that Brainiac 5 should be leader and not Mon El who just sat back repeating that the Legion's hands were tied. Until this issue when he finally decided to come up with his idea. I was so bored I dug up and reread the first comic book I ever made. I searched for some web pages about Shuteye Town. I took a break to play some Call of Duty. And I talked with my cat Judas in-between the four or five panels I could string together while reading before becoming absolutely bored. Screw you, Legion! If you can't be exciting, at least be stupid!

All Star Western #12

I wonder if they meant for Jonah Hex and Arkham to be the headlining characters in this comic from the start or if DC just realized it was really working, so they left them as the stars. I like the format although I've enjoyed less than half the back-up stories so far.

Last month, Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham were still strung up in a steampunk trap set up by the Crime Bible Society. Tallulah had managed to escape before the Crime Bible leaders arrived to watch the execution. Why are villains constantly over-estimating their abilities?

I suppose they've over-estimated their abilities since they have over a dozen old timey Gotham police men acting as security. They all split up and begin searching the house for her. Now, I understand that they want to find her. And they're not going to wander around the house in big groups. But I would think the best bet to capture her is when she comes back for Arkham and Hex. And if she doesn't do that, well, at least those two guys are out of the picture. But I'm viewing this situation through the lenses of a reader that knows which side is going to win. I suppose if you're on the side of the police and a ruthless organization like The Crime Bible Cult, you might think you're the good guy as well! And Tallulah and Hex are so scarred and disfigured, they must be evil.

"Do you think I stand a chance with her after her skin is burnt off and she's on the verge of dying?"

Tallulah manages to kill all of the police utilizing her endless supply of sass and wits. Also a hatchet and bullets too. The only person left upstairs to face her is Lorna Kyle, the Lord of Thieves. Is she supposed to be an ancestor of Catwoman's?

Come on, DC! Her original outfit two pages ago with the long dress was so much better! How dare you insult us fans by changing her outfit and disrespecting us! I'm never reading another Lorna Kyle comic again! She deserves better!

Tallulah manages to gouge out the Lord of Thieves eyes after taking a few daggers to the shoulders. If she is a relation to Selina Kyle, here's hoping she's already had the children! Or at least is just a great aunt.

Tallulah seems to be taking her time getting to the rescue bit so Hex tells the other Crime Lords how he already spoke with Mister Wayne and how Wayne and a posse should be there soon to rescue them. But Amadeus can't sit idly by while he dies any longer. He's just got to get something off of his chest.

He could just as easily be talking about Sean Hannity!

Before the steam switch can be thrown to roast Hex and Arkham, Tallulah and Wayne with his men come smashing down the stairs shooting off people's fingers. Well, just Tallulah does that. Everyone is rescued! And the Crime Bible jerks are caught!

Charlotte the Harlotte, Lord Duggar and Lord Charles are all executed a few days later. If I missed any of them (because there were five!), Tallulah must have killed him and I didn't notice. He might have been the one to get his head chopped off earlier.

After the hanging, Wayne offers to help Arkham expand Arkham's manor into an asylum when a man named Reginald pulls up to speak with Hex and Arkham. He needs their help concerning his the man he works for, Dr. Jekyll.

That's the end of this story. Not a lot going on to really comment on. They're in a trap. They're rescued. The bad guys are hanged. A new lead appears. The end!

The last part of The Haunted Highwayman with Dr. Thirteen reads like an episode of Scooby Doo or a Nancy Drew book. I suppose the first part did as well but my focus was on learning about Dr. Thirteen and I missed all the fake ghost crap. Through science and logic and knowing that the enemy is never actually a ghost or a monster, Dr. Thirteen catches the bad guy. The bad guy curses Dr. Thirteen and his descendants before being hanged (he also murders a detective) but Dr. Thirteen does not believe in curses! Ha ha! Foiled your last wishes, you superstitious imbecile!

All Star Western #12 Rating: No change. Since this issue really just concludes the two ongoing stories and I didn't have much to say about either of them, I should just delete all of this text and replace it with, "Read it. Wayne saves the day. Dr. Thirteen doesn't buy into bullshit. The end."

Captain Atom #12

Let me guess the plot: Captain Atom has an existential crisis while the world nears destruction.

Last issue was some kind of commentary on wish fulfillment. Be careful what you wish for and all that what not. And it was all Captain Atom's fault because he's just not smart. He wants a normal life so that he can be with Ranita. So he creates a normal version of himself. But his mind is not linked to that person. It's a completely new person entirely. Unless J.T. Krul changed his mind about that because it was never stated outright, so he's free to do anything he wants I guess. But it makes sense if that's what happened. Because then Captain Atom went back to the lab to pout in silence while his subconscious mind began fulfilling the wishes of everyone else in the lab. But all of those wishes went badly too because Captain Atom is a fucking asshole.

As I begin reading this issue, J.T. Krul have a philosophical discussion. Krul begins thusly:

My response is: "Oh fuck me!"

My first year of college, I took a course at Portland State University called "The Philosophy of Science." I thought it would be interesting. I like science! I like philosophy! Jolly good then! Philosophically, I figured I'd love this class. The first day of class, the professor and one single student argued the nature of reality for nearly the entire class. At one point, the student said, "How do I know that what I see out the window actually exists outside the window?" I was thinking, "Jump the fuck out of it and find out, asshole." I dropped the course after attending that single class. Philosophy isn't merely spiraling down deeper and deeper into "what is reality?" or "what can I believe?" Those questions are important and part of it but if you're going to spend all of your time debating experience instead of enjoying experiences, you might have missed the point of life. If you really wanted to know what lie outside that window, go find out. But if you jump out the window and end up lying on the ground with two broken legs but still find yourself wondering, "Is this pain real or just a manifestation of electronic signals shooting off in the right place in my brain creating the illusion of pain?", then you might have a philosophical problem. I mean, a problem with philosophy, like an addiction, and not an existential quandary about the true nature of reality. Or, I guess, both! Philosophy pun for the win!

Back to Captain Atom, the fictitious character wondering about the true nature of reality (boy, would he be surprised that he's just ink on paper! (or do the images created by that ink on paper exist objectively since it's only being interpreted by my eye and brain in tandem with each other?)): he's just sitting in his globe of green fluid and jizz pouting and masturbating away. No, seriously! Look at that picture! I think I just figured it out. Maybe he still has a link of some kind to the Nathaniel he created, kind of like a spy camera in the back of the brain. So he's watching the date and watching them kiss from his ocean of lotion. And he's masturbating to the images. Each time he has an orgasm, he's fulfilling the wish of another person inside the lab. But then he loses the link to that wish as he falls away from the peak of pleasure and the wish deteriorates and becomes sour.

I think I like that explanation. Perhaps I should just put the comic book away and believe that's how Captain Atom ended! Sitting lonely in a sphere and masturbating cursed wishes on everyone! Stop reading now if you also want to believe this! You sicko perv.

Oh wait! Page Two supports my theory as well!

After having ignored her cell phone all night because she wasn't sure if it was real or not, Ranita finally accepts it as an actual object in her space and answers it. Scott Alexander Alexander Scott "Scotander" Scott Alexander Alexander Scott Scott Alexander has left a bunch of voice mails and texts for her. It's a good thing this comic has been cancelled or Scott Alexander's name was going to eventually consume entire blog posts because I can't stop making it longer and longer! He was trying to find Ranita because they're having problems at the lab. Except that doesn't actually make sense, does it? What can she do to help? Oh! That's right. She can flirt with Captain Atom and get him to stop pulling this shit!

The lab worker, Ben, that suddenly found his old box of toys that exploded into flames when he opened it has been running around the lab on fire. The other workers try to put him out but he thinks about his past when he burned down the family home as a child because he was angry that his father took away his toys and Ben erupts into flames again. He's become one of those trick candles unfunny assholes put on your cake on your birthday. "Ha ha! You couldn't blow out your candles!" "Ha ha, you don't get any of my cake, bitch." That might be the exact exchange between me and my mom on my eighth birthday. Or it might be a complete lie. Reality! Objective! Subjective!

While Ben is running around the lab catching everything on fire, Captain Atom is flying through space in Dr. Megala's mind. And it causes the universe to crack open and candy to fall out because there's an actual page in this comic that I find interesting!

I like the idea of the Big Bang taking place inside an already established Universe because how would we know otherwise? But then the moment is ruined by Dr. Megala's reaction. Up until now, the Dr. Megala that has been written would think this was fascinating and not horrible. But I guess he has to react this way to fit the theme of the issue.

Ranita and Nate arrive at the Continuum to help out because Dr. Scott Scott Scott Alexander Alex Scott Xander Scotty Scott Alexander Scott Scott SCOOOOOOTTTTTTT texted "I tilled you so!" and "Captain Adam is running emery boards!" Which brings us to another philosophical reality question: what is the nature of reality when autocorrect has its fingers in everything you type? How do we know that your mother didn't actually want you to bring five dildos back from the store? Maybe your friend didn't make it to the party because his car really did run out of ass. And how do you know that the chimera didn't spank the martian's monkey in the middle of the llama's lymphatic train? Yeah! Chew on that one!

Hmm, I was getting to some point in that last paragraph but I took a right turn at Albuquerque. Oh yeah. It was that Krul does provide a panel with the proof that this human Nate really is completely separate from Captain Atom.

Proof that Captain Atom is the stupidest piece of shit in the universe. "I'm totally crushing on this chick. I know! I'll make an autonomous being that looks and acts the way I used to look and fuck her with it!" New being goes off with woman. Captain Atom watches jealously and sits and stews and wonders if he's kissing his woman. Except for the part where the guy creates another lifeform, this is like every single day in junior high for me!

Normal Nate runs into the lab and confronts Captain Atom. He wants to be angry. He wants to know why he ruined this for himself. But that's the problem with creating clones. They aren't you!

Nerd alert: This whole cloning thing was a huge problem for me when I played Auto Duel on the Apple IIe. In the game, you could create a clone of yourself at a shop so that if you died, the clone would activate and you'd continue the game. It was basically the save game file but it disturbed me that the clone wasn't really you. The actual you died. Just because there is another body out there with all of your memories, it doesn't mean you still didn't die. The universe ended for you and it doesn't matter that another being is walking around thinking it's you! Sure, for the clone, every thing is grand! It thinks it is you. All of its friends think it's you. But what do you care? Your consciousness winked out when the bandits machine gunned your gas tank and blew your body all over Route 285.

This same thing comes up with the work scientists are doing on teleportation. A Nova program was recently detailing how they're teleporting particles by using entanglement. They were showing how two particles are entangled then pulled apart across a large distance. Then a third particle is introduced to the first particle. Another particle is introduced to the second particle. Then the third particle is destroyed as its information is transferred to the fourth particle. Voila! Teleportation!

Well, not exactly. Information may have been teleported and that's good for some things. But then they speculated that this is how human teleportation might work and I nearly shit my pants. They showed how a booth would be set up in the same way, sending the information from New York to Paris. You'd enter a booth in New York, get scanned, disintegrate, and then you'd appear in the booth in Paris. I just thought, "That's not a teleportation booth! That's a suicide booth!" One very theoretical scientist said something like, "Sure it's you. It's all the same information." Then another guy whose name I wish I could remember said, "I wouldn't get in it!"

So, you know, that's what's going on here. Although now that Nate has arrived to stop Captain Atom, it looks like they're going to merge. So that may have been the point all along. Captain Atom was recording the experience and memory of human contact on this other Nate so that he could absorb him later and have the memories for himself.

This also supports my masturbation theory!

In the end, Captain Atom misses the point and moves to Mars the moon. But you can't blame him for missing the point. He's not very smart. I mean, even the smart people in this comic miss the point. Like that part where Dr. Megala should have said, "It's fascinating!" because that's what Dr. Megala would have done. They all miss the point. I should probably try to explain it.

When Captain Atom fixes everything, he says, "I tried to give them what they wanted, but they seemed determined to get what they felt they deserved." Later, just before moving to the moon, he says, "Maybe that was my big mistake. Living in my own fantasy. Ignoring my new reality since the day of the accident." So he decides what he deserves is to be apart from everyone by moving to the moon. But he just pointed out that the fantasies didn't work because the fantasies couldn't work. They failed because the people couldn't allow themselves to have what they wanted. And now he's doing the same thing. He's not allowing himself to have what he wants. And yet he's been discussing subjective and objective reality this whole time. Dude. Stop pouting and removing yourself further and further from other people. If that's what you want, be near people. Maybe meet a nice Firestorm with which you can have intimate relations. Keep trying. I guess the moral of Captain Atom is "Fuck it! I give up!"

Captain Atom #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Both because it's finally over and because this issue does what the rest of the series has been trying to say really, really poorly.

There were two moments during this entire 12 issue run that I think would have made for great Captain Atom stories but ended up just being big misses by the creative team. I think the beginning of Issue Three when he's dealing with survivor's guilt and getting a little religious and/or schizophrenic could have made for a fascinating take on this character. He went through big trauma perhaps he should act like a trauma victim! That could have been wonderful. And now at the end, this issue could have been the first issue of the entire series! It's like this issue did everything in one shot that the rest of the series has been fumbling and stuttering and not knowing how to say. But the problem is I don't think the creative team realizes Captain Atom missed the point of his whole experience. If they did realize it and this was an early issue, Captain Atom could have grown into a really interesting tragic character. But instead it just comes across as "I quit!" and a retelling of Watchman's Jon removing himself to Mars. Too bad.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #12

I don't think Lobdell's science fiction is even good enough for Star Wars fiction.

I'm sorry, Star Wars fiction, for implying that you're at the bottom of the heap when it comes to science fiction novels. It was just a joke! Sure, sure. I loved Zahn's trilogy about Admiral Thrawn. And I head all of Brian Daley's Han Solo books in high school! But, come one, you see why I said it, right? You're more about the fandom and the shared universe than the actual hard science fiction and philosophical questions raised by the best sci-fi. Come on now. No hard feelings?

Yeah, well fuck you too! I always liked Star Trek better anyway!

Oh man, now look! You know I didn't mean that! Seriously, have you seen some of the original Star Trek episodes written by Roddenberry himself? Laughable! Just silly beyond comprehension. There it is! That smile I love! Yeah, we're okay, right Star Wars?

Back to Starfire's space battle. Speedy was captured by the Blight (the fungus beasts from some unknown yet very diseased star system (they might not be fungus!)) and was forced to tell them his terrifically meta story about the space battle that happened in-between Issues #10 and #11. At the end of the last issue, his audience had grown to include Blackfire, Starfire's evil yet equally sexy sister.

Before Speedy was captured, he was on the bridge of the Starfire complimenting Starfire and her crew on their looks.

No. NO! Do not get me talking about Fifty Shades of Grey. I will not be adding it to my crappy books to read list. That book should win a medal for showing how far women need to come to be equal to men. I thought we were all free wheeling individuals in this day and age. But if this is the best porn that women can find which other women will find acceptable, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, females. Since i haven't read it, I wonder if there are any slash scenes between Jacob and Edward (or their equivalents in FSoG).

Meanwhile in the elevator, Jason Todd and Isabel have sex. Or at least I think they have sex since it doesn't show them have sex. Also, since Roy is telling the story and he wasn't anywhere near the elevator, they may not actually have been in the elevator having the conversation which led to them maybe having sex. They probably did have sex and since I have Fifty Shades of Grey on the mind, I'm going to let Grunion Guy fan-fic the fuck out of this scene!

The Elevator Scene from Red Hood & The Outlaws #12
By Grunion Guy

"Space?" I say, licking the drool from my lips in a seductive way that says, "I have never had sex in a space elevator." Jason Todd brushes his black hair from his black eyes in a way that says, "This isn't actually a space elevator. It's just an elevator on a ship in space." I swoon a little bit and feel something naughty happen in my underwear.

"You can't know this..." Jason begins and I imagine what he's about to say: "But I'm packing a really long thingy in my underwear and I'm going to put it right next to your girl thingy until you can't take it anymore and then we'll do that thing that grown-ups do to not be virgins anymore!" You know that thing. I totally know that thing. I could probably write an essay about doing that thing. A really long essay, if you get my meaning! I hope you do! If you do, you should tell me what I mean because that would probably be really sexy and informative.

"That smile," I say, having missed the rest of his speech but I'm pretty sure it was close to that thing I thought. I wonder how he's going to tear my space suit off? I wonder if that'll be dangerous? Oh who cares! "I could do worse than dying here with you!" I scream in gasps which show he's fulfilled my every need several times over!

"Oh, that's the other thing I have no experience with," he begins and I suddenly lose complete interest in him. He's just a boy! Maybe it's not too late to find that hot red-headed Tamarind! I'm pretty sure there is a way that women can do it to each other as well!

The End!

Okay, get out of here, Grunion Guy. Go work on your Roller Playing Game and stop bugging me.
After the fight, the life support on the Starfire is malfunctioning. Roy and Kitten fix it but at the expense of the shields. The Blight then teleport on board and begin attacking.

After having seen zero transporter guns in his life, Roy recognizes this one and jumps in the way knowing he'll simply teleport somewhere else instead of being disintegrated.

And that finally catches the story up to the present. Roy Harper aka Speedy although not really anymore so aka Arsenal captured by the Blight and just interrogated by Blackfire. Although Blackfire is also a prisoner on The Blight's ship. But she just gets free reign to wander around it no matter how dangerous she is. And then Roy's plan comes together even though it relies on some pretty preposterous things. Like Blackfire, a prisoner, being able to wander freely about the Blight ship. And knowing that Roy would end up teleported near Blackfire. And...and...and why do I care? It's Scott Lobdell! What am I expecting? The Grapes of Wrath of Khan?

As Rob Liefeld's Deathstroke quoting Hannibal from The A-Team and slightly modified by me, "I love it when a ridiculous plan comes together!"

Blackfire is happy to have been saved by her sister and they head off for a private chat. They cry and hug and all is forgiven. That's okay. It's believable. Kori hated Blackfire and didn't care about her planet but really she did but she was just being hard and stubborn in case Blackfire was still a total bitch. Starfire is really changeable in her moods. Remember when she was an amnesiac nymphomaniac? But then the fans were angry and Scott Lobdell said, "Wait! Wait! You haven't gotten to the part of the story where I begin writing her completely different so everyone just gets off of my back!" And now she's sweet and loving and having feelings for Roy Harper. Oh, isn't she cute?!

On the planet's surface, one of the Blight (which might not be fungi at all but some sort of super evolved virus (which is probably why they're called the Blight, amirite?)) finds a human on Tamaran and interrogates him!

Oh no! Not the Thirteen! That's just a billions years old universe of a universe of an omniverse of a friend story!

Just before Starfire and Blackfire head to the planet's surface to rescue the entire world by themselves, Jason Todd and Roy Harper have a little chat about feels. Jason says it's okay to have them. Roy Harper says he stopped having them after his best friend was beaten to a bloody green pulp. Who is that? Who was Roy Harper's best friend that was also green and/or had green blood? Mr. Spock? It couldn't have been Beast Boy since he's now red. Unless he was green at some point before coming back as some sort of avatar for The Red. Maybe he means Aqualad! Or Connor Hawke. I sure as hell don't know what he's talking about.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #12 Rating: No change. Except for the bad escape plan, the unbearable voice of Roy Harper narration boxing everything, the silly foreshadowing about a legend as old as the universe, and the plan for Starfire and Blackfire to defeat The Bligh on their own, the book wasn't too bad!

Nightwing #12

I just can't believe that in Gotham City, this moment won't end with Paragon getting some other Bat-person's aboriginal weapon to the face.

Dick Grayson has been having problems. He wants to build an amusement park in Gotham City but the bank won't lend him any money because he's too big a risk. I don't know why Dick Grayson is a risk. Possibly because he owns Hady's Circus and it just recently exploded into flames and then fell into a sinkhole at its big Grayson Family Celebratory Event. That would probably make money lenders hesitant. He also isn't married to Starfire anymore although maybe that marriage never actually happened now. Plus he's down to one eczema stick because he gave one to Damian in Batman and Robin. His love life currently sucks because his childhood sweetheart tried to kill him, Batgirl is a bit too competitive for his tastes, and Batwoman is a lesbian. Those are his only choices because he only likes redheads and I can't be bothered to think of any more redheads in the DCnU.

Another thing I forgot to mention because that last paragraph was getting a bit long for my tastes was that Officer Nie is trying to frame Nightwing for murdering some gang members who were actually murdered by Paragon. Officer Nie's love life is all fucked up too because the cop he was in love with was killed by Saiko who was searching for Nightwing to murder.

I just realized this comic book has a lot of daytime drama happening in it. And I like this comic book! Maybe I should have been watching soap operas all these years. I did really love Degrassi Junior High so maybe I shouldn't be so surprised by my penchant for melodrama.

Now, Officer Nie and Nightwing have been led to the sewers where Paragon had murdered his own soldiers. Guess what? It's a trap!

I hope Paragon turns out to be Saiko! One issue after disappearing into a sinkhole, he's returned with a new back story to once again kill Dick Grayson!

This guy Paragon has a serious jones to murder Nightwing. It's almost uncomfortable to watch, as if I've walked in on a really creepy couple about to consummate their wedding night.

I don't know how he plans to slit his throat with his whip made of electricity.

Paragon doesn't finish his thought in that speech bubble up there because Nightwing forces him to dismount. Of course if he'd simply gotten to the throat slitting, this comic could be over. Or it would have at least spent 10 or so issues watching Nightwing recover from a coma and then going through therapy.

The trap also trapped a dozen Gotham Cops in the sewers along with Officer Nie. Nie knows Nightwing is on the other side of the rubble battling Paragon and Nie also knows that Paragon is the real killer they're looking for. I also think he might have found a new love interest.

Look at the tender hug. The intense eye contact. The thoughtfulness and care. Aww!

Turns out Nightwing hates fighting in a small space. He hates it so much that he decides to have a conversation with Paragon that explains this story arc instead of fighting each other to the death. Turns out that the Strayhorns and Paragon were in the car from Issue #2 which Saiko caused to catch fire. This was the same time Saiko killed Officer Nie's boyfriend. Nightwing saved the Strayhorns and Paragon that day. This caused the Strayhorns to rethink being in the Republic of Tomorrow since the guy they were supposed to hate just saved their asses. And as shown last issue, Paragon doesn't like people rethinking being a member of his club. He killed them and framed Nightwing.

That's too bad. I really wanted Paragon to be Saiko. I know I'm the only one and I knew it wasn't going to happen! I can just hear the collective snort of all the fanboys if that actually happened. The snort! And the the aghast, incomprehensible sputtering as they fire up their intense hatred and cynicism drives.

Comic Reader That Can Suspend His Disbelief Only So Much: "But...but...but...! INCREDIBLE! You don't bring a villain back as a newly cowled villain in back to back story arcs! This is just too incredible to believe! DC Editors, on this day, I am ashamed to call myself a fan! I weep for the future! Why don't you just have Tony Daniel begin writing this comic book?! This is as much a betrayal as when Dave Sim found Allah! *sputter* I just...I don't...I mean...Really?!"
His Friend: "Hey, do you think the Pinis will ever get an Elfquest movie made?"
Comic Reader: "*snort* Maybe after the third part of Mage is released!"
His Friend: "Spot on, Sir! Spot on! Oh, I tap my mountain and lightning bolt you for three points of damage."
Comic Reader: "By Odin! You shall pay for this aggression!"

After writing that, I face palmed, snickered a little, and muttered, "Shit." Is that what my life amounts to? Making Magic, Elfquest, and Matt Wagner references? Maybe I need to cleanse my mental palate by reading some real literature. Let's see. I could read the new book by my friend I've mentioned on this blog before, Soy Rakelson (name still changed to protect his innocence although if he's put out a children's book, maybe it's time to stop being so elusive with my codename!). Or maybe I should really dive into Philip K Dick's Exegesis once and for all. No, I don't think either of those choices would actually cleanse anything. They both might just make me go a little bonkers. Perhaps I should just drink some alcohol and lose myself in the foggy haze of ego ablution.

By the way, that's probably the best metaphor for drunkenness you'll get: "the foggy haze of ego ablution." Maybe that's what I'll name my book of poetry that I'll never write because I really don't care about writing poems! Don't steal it! Eww! I'll sue you!

Where was I? Oh yeah! Nightwing just told Paragon the tale of Paragon to prove that Dick Grayson can do detective work too! It just takes a little bit longer than Batman. Dick must feel pretty proud of himself to have figured this all out because Paragon instantly gets the jump on him as Grayson puffs out his chest and blows on his fingernails. The next thing Dick knows, he finds himself being drowned in sewer water. But at least Nightwing doesn't think about his grocery list the way Batgirl did when she was almost drowned. Or whatever she was thinking about. I think it was her grocery list. A loaf of bread. A container of milk. A stick of butter.

I asked earlier if Paragon understood the irony of his mission statement. Question answered!

I wonder if Gail Simone and Kyle Higgins have been riffing off of each other in the DC offices. I didn't mean for that to sound as sexy as it does. It's just that Batgirl is currently fighting Knightfell who thinks she'll protect Gotham by destroying both the bad guys and the heroes that won't kill. And now Paragon is doing virtually the same thing. Perhaps Knightfell and Paragon are siblings!

For the second time in one day, Paragon talks way too much instead of just getting to the job of killing Nightwing. Thus, Paragon misses another chance to finish Dick. Instead of drowning, Dick drags Paragon into the sewer outflow and they wash up in Gotham Bay just outside the old dilapidated amusement park. Waiting for them are Officer Nie (who escaped through a sewer tunnel) and about two dozen cops with weapons drawn. And, for once, they seem to know who to train their guns on. Good thing Batgirl's Detective Melody isn't here or she'd be shooting at Nightwing for "not capturing Paragon fast enough!"

Even with all of the guns drawn on him, Paragon decides to make one last stand. But, once again, he speechifies to try to get the appropriate amount of tension before pulling his plasma blade electric whip thing, thus ruining his chances for victory.

Those Gotham Police have nerves of steel. A Portland cop would have blasted him as soon as he said his first word.

Officer Nie allows Nightwing to leave the scene so I guess they're square. Dick then heads home to recover. He also calls Lucius Fox to tell Lucius that he wants every cent of his trust fund put into buying and renovating the amusement park. Nightwing is going to become a pauper! Or just another Gotham business man. I also wondered, if Dick buys the amusement park, how long before The Penguin is running it? And guess what! The Penguin finally gets a page in this comic book. It's going to happen! Nightwing is going to butt heads with The Penguin on turf issues!

Penguin's scene has nothing to do with Dick yet (hee hee! How do people seriously live with that name their entire lives? They must live in a world where people giggle randomly all the fucking time). It appears Lady Shiva is coming to Gotham and The Penguin wants to be prepared before she begins killing all of the crime lords. I'm not familiar with Lady Shiva so I look her up in my Who's Who Binder.

First Appearance: Richard Dragon, Kung Fu Fighter #5 (January, 1976).

Shiva is a master martial artist. In the old DC Universe, she often fought alongside Ben Turner before he became Bronze Tiger. Perhaps Bronze Tiger will wander into the pages of Suicide Squad soon and then some world building will happen and Nightwing will crossover with Suicide Squad. She also seemed to have been a big influence in Tim Drake's training. I'm not sure how much of an impact she's had in comics in the 2000s though. I guess she's known for taking down crime lords and criminal organizations though.

Finally, Dick meets with Tony Zucco's daughter, Sonia, about the loan for the Amusement Park. Her board agreed to it if Dick put up most of the money and took care of the insurance. She didn't want the deal to happen because he reminds her of a life she barely escaped from. But since she's now stuck in this huge deal with him, she decides to make the best of it. She kisses him and walks off. Now she's really going to be disappointed if she's interested in having a relationship with Dick! She doesn't have red hair!

Nightwing #12 Rating: No change. I'm glad Nightwing will be getting his amusement park though. I wonder what he's going to call it? He'll probably leave the place known as Amusement Mile.