Where were most of these assholes while Superman was fighting for his life?!
Everybody at this memorial is completely judging Superman. It's easy to pretend heroes would be all, "If Superman couldn't defeat Doomsday, who could?!" But look at Batman back there just knowing he could have found a way to defeat Doomsday without killing him nor dying himself. And Hal Jordan must be thinking, "I'd've stopped him with the most powerful weapon in the universe which I know how to use properly unlike that anal prolapse Guy Gardner." And Captain Marvel's thinking, "I might only be a young boy but I've got the wisdom of Solomon and the strength of Hercules and the sexiness of Aphrodite and the quickness of a Zebra and more sexiness and then, I don't know, the visage of Medusa? Why are my powers so complicated? I should probably just introduce myself as magic Superman which is obviously better than non-magic Superman." And Wonder Woman is all, "Leave it to a man to think a problem this tough could be solved with his fists and/or dick." And The Flash knows he can beat anybody being that everybody else basically winds up in stasis when he's running full speed but, you know, writers and editors don't take advantage of that because how interesting would those stories be? Better to think he can be hit with a boomerang and majorly pranked and soaked in a rainstorm and trapped in a mirror. And Aquaman is thinking, "I wonder if Doomsday was part fish?" And Nightwing is thinking, "Damn I look good in my ponytail and disco collar!" And Fire is thinking, "Damn, who designed Nightwing's look? Some eighty year old nerd?" And Mister Miracle is thinking, "Darkseid is."
I don't care what Robin is thinking. Probably has his mind on his little Russian girlfriend's boobies. Which, now that I say that, does make me care about what he's thinking (meaning his little Russian girlfriend's boobies).
The issue begins with just another day-in-the-life scene of the unthanked blue collar workers who have to clean up Metropolis after every alien invasion.
I don't care what Robin is thinking. Probably has his mind on his little Russian girlfriend's boobies. Which, now that I say that, does make me care about what he's thinking (meaning his little Russian girlfriend's boobies).
The issue begins with just another day-in-the-life scene of the unthanked blue collar workers who have to clean up Metropolis after every alien invasion.
I'm going to believe The Daily Planet's headline simply reads, "Super Dead!"
Lex Luthor's still upset he didn't get to kill Superman so he decides he'll do the next best thing: bury Superman! He says it in a really vengeful and mean-spirited way but his actions show a man really putting a lot of loving thought into Superman's funeral arrangements, crypt, and memorial statue.
Back on the farm, Ma and Pa Kent sit around in the dark whining about how they can't be at Superman's funeral because everybody would be all, "Why are those two old poor people here? Who let them past security?!" They also seem to be concerned with exposing his secret identity but why should they care? They're Clark's only family. If they want to expose themselves to retaliation so they can mourn their son properly, why shouldn't they? I guess Lois could be put in danger too but she puts herself in enough danger already. No need to worry about Lois!
Speaking of Lois, she's super sad and shit but you know who isn't sad? You know who isn't sad because he's super mad? And the most fit? And the coolest?
Back on the farm, Ma and Pa Kent sit around in the dark whining about how they can't be at Superman's funeral because everybody would be all, "Why are those two old poor people here? Who let them past security?!" They also seem to be concerned with exposing his secret identity but why should they care? They're Clark's only family. If they want to expose themselves to retaliation so they can mourn their son properly, why shouldn't they? I guess Lois could be put in danger too but she puts herself in enough danger already. No need to worry about Lois!
Speaking of Lois, she's super sad and shit but you know who isn't sad? You know who isn't sad because he's super mad? And the most fit? And the coolest?
This is the way an Alpha villain treats Superman's death! You shove a guy's head in his own ass and smash another's face into the wall. You don't go purchasing flower arrangements and paying for a memorial statue like a beta cuck.
Unluckily for the all the readers of this comic book, Lobo's appearance only lasts one page. I love that Jon Bogdanove decided that Simon Bisley's Lobo is the canon Lobo. Just this monstrously-muscled, out-of-proportion beast with a massive head of unruly hair. Just the best Lobo. Of course I wouldn't kick Val Semeiks' Lobo out of bed.
Fine. I wouldn't even kick Charlie Adlard's Lobo out of bed because I want to fuck Lobo.
During the funeral procession, Batman stops an assassination attempt on the fascist leader of some little country who has come to mourn (or celebrate?) Superman's death. Out of respect for Superman and being in Superman's city, Batman doesn't break four of the man's four limbs. He just hands him from a flap pole and disappears.
At the park where Superman's body will be interred beneath the memorial statue set up for him by Luthor, the crowd grows so huge that a few people are shoved around a bit. Green Lantern and Wonder Woman go full cop on the situation and begin restraining large groups of people. Wonder Woman is all, "We were worried things might get out of hand!" Just like a fucking cop. The only thing that got out of hand were some criminals with guns who tried to force Jimmy Olsen into selling his snuff pic of Superman. But Robin took care of them and then the crowd, who were angry that some mafia thugs were disrespecting Superman, joined Robin in beating the shit out of them. And then the forces of justice swept in and treated every person, even those standing by, as if they were causing trouble. But it ends just as quickly as it began because there's really nowhere for that plot thread to go. It was just there for some dramatic tension before everybody calms down and the funeral gets back on track.
Fine. I wouldn't even kick Charlie Adlard's Lobo out of bed because I want to fuck Lobo.
During the funeral procession, Batman stops an assassination attempt on the fascist leader of some little country who has come to mourn (or celebrate?) Superman's death. Out of respect for Superman and being in Superman's city, Batman doesn't break four of the man's four limbs. He just hands him from a flap pole and disappears.
At the park where Superman's body will be interred beneath the memorial statue set up for him by Luthor, the crowd grows so huge that a few people are shoved around a bit. Green Lantern and Wonder Woman go full cop on the situation and begin restraining large groups of people. Wonder Woman is all, "We were worried things might get out of hand!" Just like a fucking cop. The only thing that got out of hand were some criminals with guns who tried to force Jimmy Olsen into selling his snuff pic of Superman. But Robin took care of them and then the crowd, who were angry that some mafia thugs were disrespecting Superman, joined Robin in beating the shit out of them. And then the forces of justice swept in and treated every person, even those standing by, as if they were causing trouble. But it ends just as quickly as it began because there's really nowhere for that plot thread to go. It was just there for some dramatic tension before everybody calms down and the funeral gets back on track.
Meanwhile in Smallville, Ma and Pa Kent about to take part in one of them murder-suicide things..
Just as Ma and Pa get back to the house so Pa can get his shotgun, the phone rings. Lois is on the other end, full of guilt at simply reporting the news as Superman fought for his life and died. Ma and Pa are ecstatic! Somebody does still need them! They have a daughter! They tell Lois they'll be headed to Metropolis to take care of her.
Superman: The Man of Steel #20 Rating: B. Bill and Hillary Clinton speak at Superman's funeral which was awkward and terrible. I don't mind seeing characters in-universe discuss how sad they are that the Man of Steel has died. But I certainly don't want to see a couple of real life politicians just saying what they know they're expected to say. It's also weird when a comic book uses the actual president in story arcs. But then again, it's also weird when they don't and the president of the United States is just a sort of vague white male. I guess this is one of those "Kobayashi Maru" situations for the comic book companies, at least if they're trying to make me happy. Maybe just leave the president out entirely. Because now I have to read this comic book and think about fucking Neo-Liberals and how their shit campaign style gave us Trump two times. And probably for the rest of our lives unless Donald Trump hears the squeak sometime soon! Please let him hear the squeak. Please oh please oh please!
Superman: The Man of Steel #20 Rating: B. Bill and Hillary Clinton speak at Superman's funeral which was awkward and terrible. I don't mind seeing characters in-universe discuss how sad they are that the Man of Steel has died. But I certainly don't want to see a couple of real life politicians just saying what they know they're expected to say. It's also weird when a comic book uses the actual president in story arcs. But then again, it's also weird when they don't and the president of the United States is just a sort of vague white male. I guess this is one of those "Kobayashi Maru" situations for the comic book companies, at least if they're trying to make me happy. Maybe just leave the president out entirely. Because now I have to read this comic book and think about fucking Neo-Liberals and how their shit campaign style gave us Trump two times. And probably for the rest of our lives unless Donald Trump hears the squeak sometime soon! Please let him hear the squeak. Please oh please oh please!
"Hear the squeak" is from Infinite Jest. If I say it any clearer, I might get deported!
Remember when the first arc of Ultimate X-Men had George W Bush on panel and everyone was like “why can’t the real George W. Bush be this cool?”
ReplyDeleteAnd then he retired and now I guess he’s cooler because his actions don’t repercuss over billions of lives