Doomsday? More like Gonna-Put-A-Baby-In-Your-Wombsday!
No? Was I trying too hard with that one? Because to me, it looks like they're about to kiss and also they're both currently nutting hard. Doomsday's nut looks more painful but that's probably because his erection is trapped inside a cock cage of pure bone. Plus he probably cums bone. Also his boner is a literal bone.
Other interpretations of the cover: Doomsday just sneezed black snot all over Superman's face. Superman just sharted and Doomsday is reacting to the incredibly putrescent smell. Doomsday just burped and Superman is reacting to the incredibly putrescent smell. Lois just shoved a three foot dildo up Superman's ass and Doomsday's shocked that he could take that much. Superman just tore off all of Doomsday's testicles (I'm assuming he has eight). Or maybe they're headbutting each other?
If I were in my younger, more energetic days (like when I was in my youthful forties!), I would have photoshopped the blood on Superman's face to look like semen. But I'm lazy and in my fifties and psychically wrestling with my mortality on a near-constant basis so instead, I'll just point out that Doomsday's semen is probably blackish red. Whew! So much easier! So much of my precious little time left saved!
I suppose I could have asked some artificial intelligence site to do it for me but then I'd have to kill myself and probably all of my neighbors too, just to be sure they weren't looking in a window and watching as I wrote out my idiotic AI prompt because I'm a fart-sniffing loser who believes not in artistic expression but only in final (and shitty) products. Imagine if Joseph Heller had been too lazy to write Catch-22 and had, at the time, access to a machine that sharts words in pseudo-non-random order after you half-heartedly tell it your idea. "Hey, Protégé [which is something it probably would have been called]. Write me a story about a guy in the military who doesn't want to be in the military because he's afraid to die for no reason especially since the war is basically over and he keeps going up in bombers to risk his life when there's actually no need but he can't get out because to get out you have to be crazy but if you want to get out that proves you're not crazy because only a sane person wouldn't want to throw their lives away in battles that mean absolutely nothing at this point in the war and so he keeps flying missions until he sees this one guy's guts blown out while muttering how cold he is and he realizes people are so fucking fragile and why are lives so freely thrown away by powerful people over nothing at all? Also make sure a whore hits a guy over the head with a shoe repeatedly, a guy with a funny name buys Egyptian cotton and sells it for less than he buys it but somehow still makes a bunch of money somehow by selling eggs maybe?, a pipe smoking guy kills a whore, a young kid gets blended by a plane's propellers (after which the pilot just crashes the plane because fuck man how do you live with accidentally doing that to a friend and compatriot?), and another guy with apples in his cheeks keeps crashing so nobody wants to fly with him but he keeps trying to get people to fly with him but everybody is all 'you're crazy you crash every time' but then we find out that he was practicing crashing to escape and the main guy is all 'holy shit that's how you get out of this mess that you can't control and you have no power over getting beaten down constantly and will eventually be killed by these maniacs! you fly with the guy crashing planes and then sail to Finland or you get the Native American to throw the sink out the window one of those!'" That would totally have worked to get the exact piece of mind-blowing literature that Heller came up with the hard way, right?
I should re-read Catch-22! Although do I need to? Seems like I remember all the salient bits!
This issue begins with Doomsday popping heads and cracking necks which immediately gets the interest of my penis. No wait. I'm just getting word from my penis that the violence isn't what got it interested. It was Doomsday's nipples.
Other interpretations of the cover: Doomsday just sneezed black snot all over Superman's face. Superman just sharted and Doomsday is reacting to the incredibly putrescent smell. Doomsday just burped and Superman is reacting to the incredibly putrescent smell. Lois just shoved a three foot dildo up Superman's ass and Doomsday's shocked that he could take that much. Superman just tore off all of Doomsday's testicles (I'm assuming he has eight). Or maybe they're headbutting each other?
If I were in my younger, more energetic days (like when I was in my youthful forties!), I would have photoshopped the blood on Superman's face to look like semen. But I'm lazy and in my fifties and psychically wrestling with my mortality on a near-constant basis so instead, I'll just point out that Doomsday's semen is probably blackish red. Whew! So much easier! So much of my precious little time left saved!
I suppose I could have asked some artificial intelligence site to do it for me but then I'd have to kill myself and probably all of my neighbors too, just to be sure they weren't looking in a window and watching as I wrote out my idiotic AI prompt because I'm a fart-sniffing loser who believes not in artistic expression but only in final (and shitty) products. Imagine if Joseph Heller had been too lazy to write Catch-22 and had, at the time, access to a machine that sharts words in pseudo-non-random order after you half-heartedly tell it your idea. "Hey, Protégé [which is something it probably would have been called]. Write me a story about a guy in the military who doesn't want to be in the military because he's afraid to die for no reason especially since the war is basically over and he keeps going up in bombers to risk his life when there's actually no need but he can't get out because to get out you have to be crazy but if you want to get out that proves you're not crazy because only a sane person wouldn't want to throw their lives away in battles that mean absolutely nothing at this point in the war and so he keeps flying missions until he sees this one guy's guts blown out while muttering how cold he is and he realizes people are so fucking fragile and why are lives so freely thrown away by powerful people over nothing at all? Also make sure a whore hits a guy over the head with a shoe repeatedly, a guy with a funny name buys Egyptian cotton and sells it for less than he buys it but somehow still makes a bunch of money somehow by selling eggs maybe?, a pipe smoking guy kills a whore, a young kid gets blended by a plane's propellers (after which the pilot just crashes the plane because fuck man how do you live with accidentally doing that to a friend and compatriot?), and another guy with apples in his cheeks keeps crashing so nobody wants to fly with him but he keeps trying to get people to fly with him but everybody is all 'you're crazy you crash every time' but then we find out that he was practicing crashing to escape and the main guy is all 'holy shit that's how you get out of this mess that you can't control and you have no power over getting beaten down constantly and will eventually be killed by these maniacs! you fly with the guy crashing planes and then sail to Finland or you get the Native American to throw the sink out the window one of those!'" That would totally have worked to get the exact piece of mind-blowing literature that Heller came up with the hard way, right?
I should re-read Catch-22! Although do I need to? Seems like I remember all the salient bits!
This issue begins with Doomsday popping heads and cracking necks which immediately gets the interest of my penis. No wait. I'm just getting word from my penis that the violence isn't what got it interested. It was Doomsday's nipples.
I'd be so embarrassed if my last words were translating a rampaging monster's words incorrectly. He's saying, "Mother please!", my dead dude.
Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen try to follow the battle across the country in their news chopper but it's just not fast enough. Lois keeps dictating the story she's going to win a Pulitzer with as they go even though they've fallen way behind the fight. "Superman probably punches Doomsday in his weak spot which . . . Jimmy, where do you think Doomsday's weak spot would be? The butthole? Jimmy! I'm sorry I asked. Just keep taking pictures." Meanwhile Jimmy mumbles, "I know it's my weak spot," and Lois pretends not to hear that. Lois is in a panic not because Superman might be fighting for his life but because Cat Grant's news chopper is also in the air trying to get the story! That fucking bitch! Hopefully her chopper's blades will catch some shrapnel and it'll John Landis into a playground.
Superman decides he's been holding back for too many issues now, mostly due to editorial mandates. But since he's going to die next issue, he has to give his all one great big final try! So he smashes full speed into Doomsday's weak spot.
Superman decides he's been holding back for too many issues now, mostly due to editorial mandates. But since he's going to die next issue, he has to give his all one great big final try! So he smashes full speed into Doomsday's weak spot.
Jimmy's a genius! That actually looks like it hurt Doomsday! It definitely surprised him!
Superman grabs hold of Doomsday by the prostate and flies him up into the sky to toss him into space. But Doomsday's like a lizard and his prostate easily comes away in Superman's grip, allowing Doomsday to get away and fall back to Earth while Superman is left pondering if ripping out an alien's prostate is gay, this being the 90s and all. I think it's definitely not gay to stick your hand in an alien's asshole and tear out its prostate. But sniffing and licking it after might be? Or is that just regular old human curiosity?
Meanwhile, The Guardian has a telepathic conversation with some creature with tits on its forehead. Dubbilex? More like Dubbil-D!
The alien works for Cadmus and suspects that Doomsday migth be a Cadmus creation. That means he's full of gooey caramel? The Guardian, afraid to get sued at the end of this, asks the alien to mindread Doomsday to make sure he's not one of Cadmus's "D.N.Alien" experiments, and if he is, maybe put in a call to their lawyers toot sweet.
Ma Kent worriedly watches the news coverage at home in Smallville while trying to fight off Pa's sexual advances.
Ma Kent worriedly watches the news coverage at home in Smallville while trying to fight off Pa's sexual advances.
"Oh, he'll be fine, Ma! Please, just touch it! We've only get ten minutes until Wheel!"
While leaping into Metropolis, Doomsday doesn't account for the years of failing to keep the infrastructure up-to-date and crashes through the street and into the underworld. He lands on top of those weird underworlders who live in the Metropolis sewers and have recently been arresting refugees from WarWorld. Doomsday frees the War World criminals to help make more trouble but then kills them on the next page when they try to suck his dick for his help. I'm suffering narrative whiplash! I totally expected Doomsday's rescue to start causing chaos like in Knightfall but instead I guess he just dropped in to tie up some loose ends. Who needs these WarWorld pricks causing trouble now that Doomsday's arrived? Small beans, these guys.
Superman arrives and thinking back to his younger days spending all day watching wrestling with his dad, he throws a Swinging Neckbreaker on Doomsday.
Superman arrives and thinking back to his younger days spending all day watching wrestling with his dad, he throws a Swinging Neckbreaker on Doomsday.
Being Superman, he has the added benefit of not just picking Doomsday up from the ground but himself as well!
Doomsday quickly taps out and Superman saves the world! Again! The End! is probably what Lois wish would have happened. But instead, Doomsday's foot catches on a power line, tearing it from the wall. It sparks and ignites the gas that's either from a broken gas line or Doomsday's butthole, and everybody blows up in a massive explosion. By everybody, I think I just mean Superman and Doomsday because Superman warned all the underworld losers to get to safety. Unless the writers of the four monthly Superman titles met up for tacos and story arc discussions and all agreed the whole underworld people of Metropolis story was getting fucking old. Then all the underworld people blew up too, cross my fingers.
Oh! I guess crossing your fingers works! I should do it more often. Let's see, cross my fingers and, "I hope I get a massive blow job from like four women and/or feminine guys!"
I'll let you know if my crossed finger wish comes true! Although you can never rule out that it didn't come true until I'm dead. Or maybe buried because who knows what might happen to my body in the morgue.
While Superman and Doomsday blow up the entirety of the suburb known as Newtown and cause several news helicopters to crash into each other from the shock waves (probably not Cat's or Lois's), Alexander Luthor's giving a press conference to explain how what's about to happen to Metropolis is Superman's fault. It's the same old chicken and egg smear campaign used by every other demagogue villain before Luthor, like Glorious Godfrey and Councilwoman Alderman and every Republican that can't get Hilary Clinton's name out of their mouths even though everybody else never even thinks about her anymore and every centrist who suddenly has decided that the definition of antisemitism is not wanting a country to bomb hospitals and kill children and murder journalists and generally just decide every civilian of a certain ethnicity is a terrorist: is Metropolis less safe because Superman lives there?! It's the kind of speech that, by now, everybody should understand that the person giving it is always the baddie. If you spend all of your time trying to get the press to spread terrible gossip about a generally accepted good person, or hell, even a neutral person who nobody has really thought about much, you're almost certainly a piece of shit with an agenda that leads directly into your bank account.
Supergirl rushes off to help Superman as Superman and Doomsday continue to buttfuck across the Metropolis skyline.
While Superman and Doomsday blow up the entirety of the suburb known as Newtown and cause several news helicopters to crash into each other from the shock waves (probably not Cat's or Lois's), Alexander Luthor's giving a press conference to explain how what's about to happen to Metropolis is Superman's fault. It's the same old chicken and egg smear campaign used by every other demagogue villain before Luthor, like Glorious Godfrey and Councilwoman Alderman and every Republican that can't get Hilary Clinton's name out of their mouths even though everybody else never even thinks about her anymore and every centrist who suddenly has decided that the definition of antisemitism is not wanting a country to bomb hospitals and kill children and murder journalists and generally just decide every civilian of a certain ethnicity is a terrorist: is Metropolis less safe because Superman lives there?! It's the kind of speech that, by now, everybody should understand that the person giving it is always the baddie. If you spend all of your time trying to get the press to spread terrible gossip about a generally accepted good person, or hell, even a neutral person who nobody has really thought about much, you're almost certainly a piece of shit with an agenda that leads directly into your bank account.
Supergirl rushes off to help Superman as Superman and Doomsday continue to buttfuck across the Metropolis skyline.
I mean battle. They're battling, not buttfucking. Right?
One of Doomsday's bones penetrates Superman before Supergirl can arrive with a hose. She manages to get Doomsday off Superman and Doomsday turns on her. Doomsday punches the smile right off her face. Also her nose and one of her eyes. And her chin and cheeks too? Gross.
I still wouldn't throw her out of bed.
Hell, why would I throw anybody out of bed? Once you've got them in your bed, you're practically doing it! Sometimes when a woman gets in my bed, I've already done it in pants several times just thinking about it! I suppose if she was all, "Oh no! I'm about to spray diarrhea everywhere!", I might throw her out of the bed. But more likely, I'd simply run out of the room trying not to throw up at the thought of all that terrible liquid foulness coming out of the spot I really want to put my mouth.
Supergirl loses consciousness and turns into some gray alien that I absolutely would throw out of my bed.
Supergirl loses consciousness and turns into some gray alien that I absolutely would throw out of my bed.
It doesn't even have the spot where I want to put my mouth! Useless!
Bibbo happens to be nearby on a roof with two much smarter people. They've hauled up a massive laser and were just waiting for Supergirl's sexy behind to get out of the way before firing it at Doomsday. They must have consulted with Jimmy Olsen because they blast Doomsday right in the place I'd put my mouth if I was attracted to Doomsday but I'm not because he's gross and angry and I do not find angry, gross people attractive. Hell, I don't even find angry attractive people attractive.
Pow! Right in the kisser!
In my special view of the world, Ralph Kramden was always threatening to anally fist Alice. You probably don't want to hear what I think Ralph was constantly doing to Ed. Don't worry! In my mind, Ed loved it and everything was consensual. Alice getting anally fisted by Ralph was something Alice loved and Ralph threatened her with it because it made her come so hard she'd become docile and subservient in her overloaded pleasure sensors state of ecstasy. That's way better than the actual version of The Honeymooners where we just had to believe that threatening domestic violence against your wife was the height of hilarity. I mean, it sort of was but the threatened violence wasn't the funny bit. The funny bit was how Alice (and the audience) knew exactly how broken and impotent Ralph was and how she scoffed in his face because she knew he could never go through with it.
Superman picks himself back up as Doomsday shakes off the blast from Bibbo. The two combatants meet back up and begin punching each other in the face. It's now an outright brawl until one of them drops! Or, you know, both of them at the exact same time like in Rocky II.
The Man of Steel #19 Rating: C+. Loads and loads of destruction this issue, mostly due to gas lines breaking and blowing up large parts of the city. During these chaotic events, various citizens of Metropolis philosophize on the nature of Doomsday. This allows the reader to realize Doomsday isn't just another gigantic space monster that Superman has a tough time beating up. Lois says, "Doomsday is probably the deadliest foe Superman has ever faced," and I was all, "Oh no! That can't be good!" Then The Guardian says, "I'm afraid Doomsday is too big for Superman to handle alone," and I was all, "Are these goosebumps or rapid onset adult arm pimples?!" The alien Dubbilex mind-speaks, "We'll have to work to stop him in any case. If anyone can stop him," and I was all, "This doesn't look good at all!" (Because I had shit myself from the tension.) Then Superman himself thinks, "Better finish this quick, if I'm gonna live to finish it at all," and I passed out for about ten minutes from worry and anxiety. Then I almost saw up Supergirl's skirt in that one panel and I got my second wind and a boner. Then some other character whom I don't recognize says this about Doomsday, "From the way he's behavin', I'd say he's the devil incarnate usherin' in the end of the world!" By then, I was sort of spiraling not from my worry about Superman but my worry that my boner got even harder after I saw that Supergirl was actually an ugly skinny gray androgynous creature with bug eyes. But then the comic book was basically over and Superman had survived and I don't remember where I've stored my Superman #75 issue so now I'll never know how this fight turns out! Although the next issue in my stack has the header "Funeral for a Friend" and the advert square reads "World Without a Superman!" so, you know, it doesn't look good.
Superman picks himself back up as Doomsday shakes off the blast from Bibbo. The two combatants meet back up and begin punching each other in the face. It's now an outright brawl until one of them drops! Or, you know, both of them at the exact same time like in Rocky II.
The Man of Steel #19 Rating: C+. Loads and loads of destruction this issue, mostly due to gas lines breaking and blowing up large parts of the city. During these chaotic events, various citizens of Metropolis philosophize on the nature of Doomsday. This allows the reader to realize Doomsday isn't just another gigantic space monster that Superman has a tough time beating up. Lois says, "Doomsday is probably the deadliest foe Superman has ever faced," and I was all, "Oh no! That can't be good!" Then The Guardian says, "I'm afraid Doomsday is too big for Superman to handle alone," and I was all, "Are these goosebumps or rapid onset adult arm pimples?!" The alien Dubbilex mind-speaks, "We'll have to work to stop him in any case. If anyone can stop him," and I was all, "This doesn't look good at all!" (Because I had shit myself from the tension.) Then Superman himself thinks, "Better finish this quick, if I'm gonna live to finish it at all," and I passed out for about ten minutes from worry and anxiety. Then I almost saw up Supergirl's skirt in that one panel and I got my second wind and a boner. Then some other character whom I don't recognize says this about Doomsday, "From the way he's behavin', I'd say he's the devil incarnate usherin' in the end of the world!" By then, I was sort of spiraling not from my worry about Superman but my worry that my boner got even harder after I saw that Supergirl was actually an ugly skinny gray androgynous creature with bug eyes. But then the comic book was basically over and Superman had survived and I don't remember where I've stored my Superman #75 issue so now I'll never know how this fight turns out! Although the next issue in my stack has the header "Funeral for a Friend" and the advert square reads "World Without a Superman!" so, you know, it doesn't look good.
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