What wattage bulb are the fucking Kents using for their front room?
Most of my questions on this blog are rhetorical so I don't need anybody pointing out that the Kents probably use "as bright as a yellow sun" wattage on all of their bulbs. Also, did you notice this bit on the cover that keeps making me giggle because I'm a fucking monster?
Ha ha! What is he even doing?!
You might have forgotten that Superman died eight or so issues ago. That's what the whole funeral thing is about even if the funeral was over three or four issues ago. I don't like to deal with specifics because people on the Internet will just wind up clucking their tongues at me and correcting me. But if I say something like, "Superman died somewhere in the last ten issues," I can't be proven wrong because I'm not wrong even if I'm not accurate. It's how I've lived most of my life which is why I haven't been successful at anything except still being alive somehow. And even that doesn't have anything to do with my accomplishments! You can't say I somehow kept my mother from aborting me or that I willed the car not to be in the other lane of traffic when I flew around a blind corner while crossing the center line on my 10 speed bike coming down Highway 9 in the Santa Cruz Mountains at ridiculous speeds or didn't fall to my death while stealing a fire extinguisher from some grain factory in Los Banos while drunk or any other number of simple luck-based moments where I just happened to not die. I would add that I had nothing to do with surviving that time I got hit by a car but fuck that because the only reason I survived was because of my super acrobatic skills and stuntman-like reflexes!
For the record, I'd like to point out that I was hit by a car while crossing with the light in a crosswalk and it was entirely the driver's fault who was rushing to make a left-hand turn before more cars entered the intersection from the other direction and didn't see me although I, using my apparent spider-senses, did look over my shoulder just in time to see that she was about to plow into me and I leapt up off the ground so that my feet were in the air when she hit me saving me from serious injury as the car simply hit my calves and tilted me, sliding me across the hood where I bunched myself up to hit the windshield with my shoulder. I then bounced off the car, helicoptering around a few times before landing on my hip about five feet away to the side of the road. Fearing that the driver might attempt a hit and run, I sprung up immediately like a rabid raccoon and jumped back in front of the car to keep them from driving away. In the end, the driver probably shit herself thinking she had just killed somebody and I was all, "It's cool. No harm done." She really wanted to take me to a hospital but I knew every part of my body that had been hit and how much and I was all, "No, I'm good." Maybe it was lucky that I was all good but I knew I hadn't hit my head or torso so I wasn't worried about internal bleeding or brain injury. She gave me her card to call her in case anything cropped up and I needed to, I don't know, sue her? If I knew where her card was, I'd call her right now and transcribe our conversation! But that was like twenty-three years ago so she's probably dead now.
For the record, I'd like to point out that I was hit by a car while crossing with the light in a crosswalk and it was entirely the driver's fault who was rushing to make a left-hand turn before more cars entered the intersection from the other direction and didn't see me although I, using my apparent spider-senses, did look over my shoulder just in time to see that she was about to plow into me and I leapt up off the ground so that my feet were in the air when she hit me saving me from serious injury as the car simply hit my calves and tilted me, sliding me across the hood where I bunched myself up to hit the windshield with my shoulder. I then bounced off the car, helicoptering around a few times before landing on my hip about five feet away to the side of the road. Fearing that the driver might attempt a hit and run, I sprung up immediately like a rabid raccoon and jumped back in front of the car to keep them from driving away. In the end, the driver probably shit herself thinking she had just killed somebody and I was all, "It's cool. No harm done." She really wanted to take me to a hospital but I knew every part of my body that had been hit and how much and I was all, "No, I'm good." Maybe it was lucky that I was all good but I knew I hadn't hit my head or torso so I wasn't worried about internal bleeding or brain injury. She gave me her card to call her in case anything cropped up and I needed to, I don't know, sue her? If I knew where her card was, I'd call her right now and transcribe our conversation! But that was like twenty-three years ago so she's probably dead now.
Ha ha! Oh man. Get up, lazy!
Jon refuses to get up. But not Lois! She wakes up in a nipple-stiffening panic!
Wait. Is she waking up to an alarm? Or is she orgasming from her vibrator?
Sometimes comic books are confusing especially when you're a huge pervert (which, I'm assuming, everybody who reads comic books are so that probably didn't need to be added). I should also point out that her dream was about Superman drowning in a a whirlpool and if that isn't some serious female wet dream symbolism, I should probably re-read Memories, Dreams, Reflections by Jung.
Ha ha! I've never read that! What do you think I am? Somebody who reads books without nipples in? I'd never read something that talks about the weird fucking dreams Carl Jung had while growing up and his confusing thoughts about his budding sexuality! That's nerd shit!
The buzzing sound effect is neither alarm nor Lady's Private Time Bed Buddy; it's Perry White calling Lois to tell her that she's having prophetic dreams now. Metropolis is flooding! Stupid Cadmus. It's all their fault rigging the underground tunnels in the city with mines to keep people from finding out they stole Superman's corpse to do "experiments" on. I put experiments in quotes because I don't think sticking your penis in the butt of a dead alien contributes to the growth of our scientific knowledge. That's more something people do for "the kicks."
Meanwhile, in Kansas:
Ha ha! I've never read that! What do you think I am? Somebody who reads books without nipples in? I'd never read something that talks about the weird fucking dreams Carl Jung had while growing up and his confusing thoughts about his budding sexuality! That's nerd shit!
The buzzing sound effect is neither alarm nor Lady's Private Time Bed Buddy; it's Perry White calling Lois to tell her that she's having prophetic dreams now. Metropolis is flooding! Stupid Cadmus. It's all their fault rigging the underground tunnels in the city with mines to keep people from finding out they stole Superman's corpse to do "experiments" on. I put experiments in quotes because I don't think sticking your penis in the butt of a dead alien contributes to the growth of our scientific knowledge. That's more something people do for "the kicks."
Meanwhile, in Kansas:
Ha ha! No, no. Not yet! But it's coming!
Currently in Kansas, Bogdanove and Janke are drawing panels right out of Preacher, if'n they'd only left the word balloons off.
I removed the speech bubbles for maximum effect!
See? If Garth Ennis had written the story that went along with that panel, you'd be thinking, "Did Martha just catch Jon fucking that cow?"
Back at Cadmus, Dubbilex is all, "How do we even know Superman is dead? Haven't you noticed how his clothes healed and he's not bruised and bleeding anymore? That must mean something, right?" And The Guardian is all, "Shut the fuck up, Dubbilex." Then the Newsboy Legion simply walk right into the lab where Superman's corpse is being "experimented" on because I guess they're latchkey kids? How do they have top secret clearance? Are the readers supposed to like these little shits? I've only just met them and I want to cut off my leg, burn it to Baphomet, and ask for the boon of a quite specific Mandela Effect where these little fuckers no longer exist.
Back at Cadmus, Dubbilex is all, "How do we even know Superman is dead? Haven't you noticed how his clothes healed and he's not bruised and bleeding anymore? That must mean something, right?" And The Guardian is all, "Shut the fuck up, Dubbilex." Then the Newsboy Legion simply walk right into the lab where Superman's corpse is being "experimented" on because I guess they're latchkey kids? How do they have top secret clearance? Are the readers supposed to like these little shits? I've only just met them and I want to cut off my leg, burn it to Baphomet, and ask for the boon of a quite specific Mandela Effect where these little fuckers no longer exist.
Please tell me all you see is a blank panel here or else I crippled myself for nothing. Praise Baphomet!
I just want to say that it's really difficult to do something clever that you're fairly certain nobody is even going to ever notice. But I'm used to it because I have the dad that I've had. Thanks for preparing me for nobody ever noticing my accomplishments!
The Underworlders investigate the flooding and discover it was probably Cadmus who did it. The Guardian also learns of the flooded tunnels with help from, well, um, I guess maybe he just figured it out himself. On the topside, Lois has ventured into the city to do some of her reporting that she believes got Superman killed because she, um, didn't help Superman fight Doomsday and just observed? She's gone nuts if she thinks she could have helped save Superman!
Batman finally makes an appearance but not to express how he wishes he could have helped Superman. He just brags to Alfred that he could have killed Superman too, if he'd wanted.
The Underworlders investigate the flooding and discover it was probably Cadmus who did it. The Guardian also learns of the flooded tunnels with help from, well, um, I guess maybe he just figured it out himself. On the topside, Lois has ventured into the city to do some of her reporting that she believes got Superman killed because she, um, didn't help Superman fight Doomsday and just observed? She's gone nuts if she thinks she could have helped save Superman!
Batman finally makes an appearance but not to express how he wishes he could have helped Superman. He just brags to Alfred that he could have killed Superman too, if he'd wanted.
The Superman in Batman's memory is like ten times more fit than normal.
Lois, being the ace reporter that she is even when Superman isn't feeding her all the information, discovers in practically no time at all that Superman's body is missing and that Cadmus is probably behind the graverobbing and the flooding. Basically she slips past the idiot police guarding the crypt, runs into Maggie Sawyer who simply spills every bean she has, and then winds up in the right place at the right time to run into the Underworlders who have found evidence of Cadmus's bombs that caused the flooding. She's a genius!
Meanwhile back in Kansas:
Meanwhile back in Kansas:
Ha ha! Oh man. So funny!
Jonathan Kent has yet to collapse in a field actually. He's too busy constantly hallucinating moments with his son.
Holy shit! Superman is 10 times more fit in Jonathan's memory than in Batman's!
Lois teams up with the Underworlders to infiltrate Cadmus. She runs into the, um, some other, no wait, she and the Underworlders apparently find Superman's corpse without any help from, um, you know, nobody, I guess. Once she discovers Superman's corpse, she kicks motherfucking ass while looking super sexy as a hot frog.
I think my dick just said, "Ribbit."
Lois and her friends can't carry Superman's body out of there but she takes some pictures and flees when the alarms sound. She publishes a story about Cadmus stealing Superman's body so that they'll have to give it up or face mobs taking them down.
Meanwhile, in Kansas, as Jonathan learns about his son's corpse being "experimented" on:
Meanwhile, in Kansas, as Jonathan learns about his son's corpse being "experimented" on:
Dammit. This isn't as funny as the cover made it out to be.
Superman The Man of Steel #21 Rating: B+. Now that Jonathan has died (or has he?! Is he as dead as Superman is?!), do we need another 8 Part Epic, "Funeral For a Friend's Father"? Fuck, I hope not! Or, actually, I don't really care because I'm fairly certain the next issue of Superman I read will be the last Superman issue I read (until I discover where I've stored Superman #75, of course). Thankfully I won't be reading all the Superboy and Steel and Eradicator and Red/Blue Superman crap that followed this. I'm not sure how I even stayed interested enough to finish out this "Funeral For a Friend" story arc back in 1993. I mean, it's not terrible. But I've just never been that interested in Superman and his cast of characters.
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