E!TACT! #20
Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #6, Batman: White Knight #7, Justice League #42, Batman #44, The Curse of Brimstone #1, The Immortal Men #1, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, What Am I Currently Reading?, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
Comic Book Reviews!
Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #6, Batman: White Knight #7, Justice League #42, Batman #44, The Curse of Brimstone #1, The Immortal Men #1, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, What Am I Currently Reading?, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
Comic Book Reviews!
Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #6
By Isabella, Henry, Guichet, and Pantazis
Rating: With this issue, any continuity fans who were wondering if DC Comics Presents #16 was still in continuity have got their answer. Yes it is! I'm just going to use the scientific method and assume that every issue of DC Comics Presents has been returned to continuity since one has.
You might not find it surprising that I failed science. I certainly found it surprising that I couldn't cite comic books as proofs of my answers on tests. My physics teacher found it surprising that I couldn't tell the difference between reality and fantasy. I don't know why he was so surprised. One day for class, we went to the amusement park Great America to test physics theorems. So I was supposed to believe that everything in the park was regulated by physical laws but not believe that Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck were real? I had my picture taken with both of them! How was that not worth an A?!
Oh yeah. This comic is all about getting along with each other or something. Parts of it are based on The Twilight Zone episode where all the neighbors become paranoid and begin accusing each other of being aliens. I guess the lesson is not to listen to your gut instincts and your intuition because those things are ruled by superstition, paranoia, and systemic racism.
Batman: White Knight #7
By Murphy and Hollingsworth
Rating: After reading the first issue of this series, I thought, "Haven't we seen this multiple times already? Casting the villain as the hero who really shows Batman how to save Gotham?" So I started reading this encased in a hard, protective layer of cynicism. And yet it still somehow managed to break through that enamel and I've mostly enjoyed the story. Especially this issue.
In this issue, we learn that The Joker never killed Jason Todd. But Todd, completely broken by The Joker, believing his life was ruined by Batman, pretends to be dead after The Joker releases him. This is a way better version of Jason Todd's reappearance in the DC Universe. I especially like that Jason Todd has been convinced by The Joker that Bruce used and manipulated him. It gives Jason Todd a real reason to be hurt and angry at Batman, as opposed to the overly melodramatic teenage reason that everybody accepts: that Jason Todd is hurt and angry that Batman didn't avenge his death by killing Joker. I'm going to simply cut out the canonical part of the Jason Todd story that I don't like and replace it with this bit. How does one go about doing that? Home brain surgery couldn't be that hard, right?
The other part I really loved was Bruce's discussion with Dick and Babs about why he does what he does. It's always nice when a writer thinks up a better way to look at a character instead of relying on tons of past writers who simply accepted the traditional version. And it's not like Murphy's version changes Batman's motives much at all. Batman simply twists the perception of why he does what he does so that it's not contextualized by past events but based upon a vision of a better future.
Don't get me wrong, though. My cynicism continues to control most of my brain's functions. I'm still annoyed by yet another story where the big twist surprise is that Batman and The Joker team up to save the day (and right on top of Metal's version of this story too! Sheesh. Don't editors at DC talk with each other?).
Justice League #42
By Priest and Woods
Rating: The Justice League continues to learn that justice is much tougher to accomplish when Priest controls the narrative. The team has had debates like this before where Superman says, "We must stop all war and killing everywhere!" and Batman says, "We can't do that, you dum-dum Kryptonian!" and then Wonder Woman is all, "Bruce is right. We can't interfere in geopolitical whateverisms!" Then Superman says, "Oh poo," and kicks a rock so hard it kills a dictator of a small fake European country which causes a massive war where millions of people are killed in the subsequent conflict to exterminate half the population of the country who just happened to have the wrong common ancestor. Then Superman is all, "Oh. I get it now! Whoops!"
Luckily, Deathstork arrives on the scene to administer the justice that the Justice League can't administer because they all have to listen to Batman for some reason. By the end of this story arc, I'm guessing it'll answer the question as to why Superman or Batman or Wonder Woman have never grabbed Deathstork by the scruff and tossed him in jail. It's because they know they need somebody who doesn't mind killing when killing needs to be done. Plus it has to be somebody that they pretend they can't stand and also whom they pretend they can't catch. "Oh no," cries Batman over his tea as he reads the paper, "It looks like Deathstork was in Gotham killing those bad guys whose lawyer just lawyered them out of jail. If only you'd have told me about Slade being in town, Alfred. I could have stopped this!" Then Alfred winks at Bruce and Bruce winks back and they enjoy some nice waffles with homemade butter.
Batman #44
By King, Janin, Jones, Chung, and Bellaire
Catwoman shops for a wedding gown this issue. My guess is Tom King was at a bar sitting across from Scott Snyder and James Tynion IV fawning over each other. Eventually one of them broke eye contact (probably Snyder because Tynion IV's gaze can get unnecessarily probing) and glanced over at Tom King. Scott said, "We were just daring each other to write a story that readers should hate but we do it in such a way that they'll wind up loving it. I'm going to write a whole epic story where Plastic Man saves the day. James is going to write a story about a pansexual misogynist gender fluid monster from Pluto who attacks Earth in an attempt to get Pluto's status as a planet reinstated. It will mostly feature Batman being lectured by a bunch of young people. What about you?"
Tom King sucked on his hot dog for a long minute before saying, "I'll write an issue that's just Catwoman picking out a wedding dress." Scott's eyebrow shot up. He knocked James's hand away from his crotch as he asked, "And you think you can get Batman fan's to rave about it?"
Tom King tapped his hot dog on the bar, knocking loose the long line of ash that had accumulated over the long expanse of time he spent thinking about Scott's question. He took another sultry drag off his hot dog before saying, "Rave about it? They're going to fucking lose their minds over it." Tom winked ambiguously before stubbing out his hot dog and getting up from the bar. James Tynion IV watched him closely before turning back to Scott.
"So do you think he meant they'll lose their minds in a good way?" James reached out with a kerchief to wipe some mustard off the corner of Scott's lip. Scott thanked him before saying, "When has a Batman fan ever lost his mind in a good way? They're going to fucking hate it."
Rating: This was the best issue of Batman ever! You should seen the wedding dress Catwoman eventually picked out! She's going to look spectacular! There was also some writing crap about how characters change over the years but they don't really change unless they do really change but in ways that we don't notice since it takes so long for them to change and we, as fans, are too busy to notice because we're arguing about their costume changes.
The Curse of Brimstone #1
By Tan, Jordan, and Beredo
Rating: I hated this comic book from page one when it began "Everything burns." Because everything doesn't burn, Mr. Justin Jordan. The truth is that everything eventually stops burning. It's more true to say, "Everything freezes." At least on a cosmically ending note. Because it's more true than "Everything burns." Look, we all know everything isn't going to burn. I mean, a lot of stuff will as every sun in every solar system expands to consume most of the planets orbiting the star. But it won't expand enough to burn all of the planets! Unless all stars go nova when they die (which might be a thing smart people know for sure without checking up on Wikipedia. I suppose I could check and seem like a smart person but I'd rather not spend that time just to look up a simple fact all fifth graders know) and they consume everything everywhere. Maybe just before everything freezes, everything burns?
You know what? None of that even matters because I lied. I didn't hate this book from page one. I hated this book from the moment I picked it up off the shelf at the comic book store and thought, "Why am I buying this garbage?"
Oh! I just realized I was mistaken again! I didn't hate this comic book from the moment I knew I was going to buy it. I hated myself at that moment!
These new comics from the pages of Metal (and how they're supposed to be from that story, I still don't know) have been billed as comic books by the greatest artists working for DC Comics. You can tell that's true because these comics list the artist first in the credits. That's why I found it so surprising that the art in this comic book was terrible. I hated it more than I hated myself two weeks ago when I purchased this book. I suppose the argument can (and will) be made that the style fits the story. But I don't have time to be smart about stuff. I only have time to indulge my id. My ego and superego can go fuck each other.
The only good character in this comic book is killed within the first few pages. That's when I stopped reading because I had decided he was the protagonist. I don't care what happens to the rest of the small town characters just struggling to make ends meet while forces they have no control over threaten to destroy their humanity. I read enough of those stories in The New York Times.
In the end, the actual protagonist is somebody I have no sympathy for. He wants his small town that grew up around the coal industry to still exist in the same way it did before the coal was gone. He both wants his sister and himself to be able to leave the town but hates that everybody is leaving the town. He can't accept change unless that change means he's getting his. So he makes a deal with the devil to put himself in a position to help people. As if he couldn't have done that without the devil's special Brimstone powers. My guess is he'll eventually learn his lesson and use the powers to fight against the devil while using his normal abilities to help revitalize the town and help the old townsfolk who have no recourse but to stay in the dying, dead-end little town. I just won't be reading this comic book long enough to find out if that's what happens. I don't even know why I read this issue.
The Immortal Men #1
By Tynion IV, Lee, Benjamin, Williams, Friend, and Sinclair
Everything I said about hating myself for buying The Curse of Brimstone #1 goes triple for buying this book. But if I didn't buy this book, how was I going to finish the poster that comes on the backside of the fold-out cover?! Not that I can finish it anyway since I apparently didn't hate myself enough the week Silencer #1 came out. What was going on that day that I allowed myself to not buy a shitty comic book? I probably ate some vegetables that morning.
If you love comics about a chosen one who also happens to be a young person, you should pick up a dozen copies of this book. The young chosen one seems even more special since he's being hunted by all the world's immortals. Apparently their power and experience can't save the world. What they need is a fresh perspective! They need the wisdom of youth! The world is doomed unless young Caden Park can say, "But seriously, guys!" after which he'll proceed to youthsplain his plan to save the world. That plan will be full of heart which the immortals don't have enough of, being that they're old people who have constantly gotten everything wrong and that's why the kids must save the world.
Rating: Look, I knew I was going to hate this book when I saw Tynion IV's name on the cover so I can't pretend that the following is an unbiased review: this book was terrible. I've also admitted over and over again that I don't like Jim Lee's scribbled faces art, no matter how often DC tries to convince me that he's the greatest artist of all time. The only reason I bought this book is because I like Vandal Savage. But then I realized that I almost certainly won't like the character when he's written by Tynion. So not only will I not be purchasing The Immortal Men #2, I am going to discretely sneak this copy of #1 back on the shelves at my local comic book store. Reverse-shoplifting isn't a crime, right?
By Isabella, Henry, Guichet, and Pantazis
Rating: With this issue, any continuity fans who were wondering if DC Comics Presents #16 was still in continuity have got their answer. Yes it is! I'm just going to use the scientific method and assume that every issue of DC Comics Presents has been returned to continuity since one has.
You might not find it surprising that I failed science. I certainly found it surprising that I couldn't cite comic books as proofs of my answers on tests. My physics teacher found it surprising that I couldn't tell the difference between reality and fantasy. I don't know why he was so surprised. One day for class, we went to the amusement park Great America to test physics theorems. So I was supposed to believe that everything in the park was regulated by physical laws but not believe that Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck were real? I had my picture taken with both of them! How was that not worth an A?!
Oh yeah. This comic is all about getting along with each other or something. Parts of it are based on The Twilight Zone episode where all the neighbors become paranoid and begin accusing each other of being aliens. I guess the lesson is not to listen to your gut instincts and your intuition because those things are ruled by superstition, paranoia, and systemic racism.
Batman: White Knight #7
By Murphy and Hollingsworth
Rating: After reading the first issue of this series, I thought, "Haven't we seen this multiple times already? Casting the villain as the hero who really shows Batman how to save Gotham?" So I started reading this encased in a hard, protective layer of cynicism. And yet it still somehow managed to break through that enamel and I've mostly enjoyed the story. Especially this issue.
In this issue, we learn that The Joker never killed Jason Todd. But Todd, completely broken by The Joker, believing his life was ruined by Batman, pretends to be dead after The Joker releases him. This is a way better version of Jason Todd's reappearance in the DC Universe. I especially like that Jason Todd has been convinced by The Joker that Bruce used and manipulated him. It gives Jason Todd a real reason to be hurt and angry at Batman, as opposed to the overly melodramatic teenage reason that everybody accepts: that Jason Todd is hurt and angry that Batman didn't avenge his death by killing Joker. I'm going to simply cut out the canonical part of the Jason Todd story that I don't like and replace it with this bit. How does one go about doing that? Home brain surgery couldn't be that hard, right?
The other part I really loved was Bruce's discussion with Dick and Babs about why he does what he does. It's always nice when a writer thinks up a better way to look at a character instead of relying on tons of past writers who simply accepted the traditional version. And it's not like Murphy's version changes Batman's motives much at all. Batman simply twists the perception of why he does what he does so that it's not contextualized by past events but based upon a vision of a better future.
Don't get me wrong, though. My cynicism continues to control most of my brain's functions. I'm still annoyed by yet another story where the big twist surprise is that Batman and The Joker team up to save the day (and right on top of Metal's version of this story too! Sheesh. Don't editors at DC talk with each other?).
Justice League #42
By Priest and Woods
Rating: The Justice League continues to learn that justice is much tougher to accomplish when Priest controls the narrative. The team has had debates like this before where Superman says, "We must stop all war and killing everywhere!" and Batman says, "We can't do that, you dum-dum Kryptonian!" and then Wonder Woman is all, "Bruce is right. We can't interfere in geopolitical whateverisms!" Then Superman says, "Oh poo," and kicks a rock so hard it kills a dictator of a small fake European country which causes a massive war where millions of people are killed in the subsequent conflict to exterminate half the population of the country who just happened to have the wrong common ancestor. Then Superman is all, "Oh. I get it now! Whoops!"
Luckily, Deathstork arrives on the scene to administer the justice that the Justice League can't administer because they all have to listen to Batman for some reason. By the end of this story arc, I'm guessing it'll answer the question as to why Superman or Batman or Wonder Woman have never grabbed Deathstork by the scruff and tossed him in jail. It's because they know they need somebody who doesn't mind killing when killing needs to be done. Plus it has to be somebody that they pretend they can't stand and also whom they pretend they can't catch. "Oh no," cries Batman over his tea as he reads the paper, "It looks like Deathstork was in Gotham killing those bad guys whose lawyer just lawyered them out of jail. If only you'd have told me about Slade being in town, Alfred. I could have stopped this!" Then Alfred winks at Bruce and Bruce winks back and they enjoy some nice waffles with homemade butter.
Batman #44
By King, Janin, Jones, Chung, and Bellaire
Catwoman shops for a wedding gown this issue. My guess is Tom King was at a bar sitting across from Scott Snyder and James Tynion IV fawning over each other. Eventually one of them broke eye contact (probably Snyder because Tynion IV's gaze can get unnecessarily probing) and glanced over at Tom King. Scott said, "We were just daring each other to write a story that readers should hate but we do it in such a way that they'll wind up loving it. I'm going to write a whole epic story where Plastic Man saves the day. James is going to write a story about a pansexual misogynist gender fluid monster from Pluto who attacks Earth in an attempt to get Pluto's status as a planet reinstated. It will mostly feature Batman being lectured by a bunch of young people. What about you?"
Tom King sucked on his hot dog for a long minute before saying, "I'll write an issue that's just Catwoman picking out a wedding dress." Scott's eyebrow shot up. He knocked James's hand away from his crotch as he asked, "And you think you can get Batman fan's to rave about it?"
Tom King tapped his hot dog on the bar, knocking loose the long line of ash that had accumulated over the long expanse of time he spent thinking about Scott's question. He took another sultry drag off his hot dog before saying, "Rave about it? They're going to fucking lose their minds over it." Tom winked ambiguously before stubbing out his hot dog and getting up from the bar. James Tynion IV watched him closely before turning back to Scott.
"So do you think he meant they'll lose their minds in a good way?" James reached out with a kerchief to wipe some mustard off the corner of Scott's lip. Scott thanked him before saying, "When has a Batman fan ever lost his mind in a good way? They're going to fucking hate it."
Rating: This was the best issue of Batman ever! You should seen the wedding dress Catwoman eventually picked out! She's going to look spectacular! There was also some writing crap about how characters change over the years but they don't really change unless they do really change but in ways that we don't notice since it takes so long for them to change and we, as fans, are too busy to notice because we're arguing about their costume changes.
The Curse of Brimstone #1
By Tan, Jordan, and Beredo
Rating: I hated this comic book from page one when it began "Everything burns." Because everything doesn't burn, Mr. Justin Jordan. The truth is that everything eventually stops burning. It's more true to say, "Everything freezes." At least on a cosmically ending note. Because it's more true than "Everything burns." Look, we all know everything isn't going to burn. I mean, a lot of stuff will as every sun in every solar system expands to consume most of the planets orbiting the star. But it won't expand enough to burn all of the planets! Unless all stars go nova when they die (which might be a thing smart people know for sure without checking up on Wikipedia. I suppose I could check and seem like a smart person but I'd rather not spend that time just to look up a simple fact all fifth graders know) and they consume everything everywhere. Maybe just before everything freezes, everything burns?
You know what? None of that even matters because I lied. I didn't hate this book from page one. I hated this book from the moment I picked it up off the shelf at the comic book store and thought, "Why am I buying this garbage?"
Oh! I just realized I was mistaken again! I didn't hate this comic book from the moment I knew I was going to buy it. I hated myself at that moment!
These new comics from the pages of Metal (and how they're supposed to be from that story, I still don't know) have been billed as comic books by the greatest artists working for DC Comics. You can tell that's true because these comics list the artist first in the credits. That's why I found it so surprising that the art in this comic book was terrible. I hated it more than I hated myself two weeks ago when I purchased this book. I suppose the argument can (and will) be made that the style fits the story. But I don't have time to be smart about stuff. I only have time to indulge my id. My ego and superego can go fuck each other.
The only good character in this comic book is killed within the first few pages. That's when I stopped reading because I had decided he was the protagonist. I don't care what happens to the rest of the small town characters just struggling to make ends meet while forces they have no control over threaten to destroy their humanity. I read enough of those stories in The New York Times.
In the end, the actual protagonist is somebody I have no sympathy for. He wants his small town that grew up around the coal industry to still exist in the same way it did before the coal was gone. He both wants his sister and himself to be able to leave the town but hates that everybody is leaving the town. He can't accept change unless that change means he's getting his. So he makes a deal with the devil to put himself in a position to help people. As if he couldn't have done that without the devil's special Brimstone powers. My guess is he'll eventually learn his lesson and use the powers to fight against the devil while using his normal abilities to help revitalize the town and help the old townsfolk who have no recourse but to stay in the dying, dead-end little town. I just won't be reading this comic book long enough to find out if that's what happens. I don't even know why I read this issue.
The Immortal Men #1
By Tynion IV, Lee, Benjamin, Williams, Friend, and Sinclair
Everything I said about hating myself for buying The Curse of Brimstone #1 goes triple for buying this book. But if I didn't buy this book, how was I going to finish the poster that comes on the backside of the fold-out cover?! Not that I can finish it anyway since I apparently didn't hate myself enough the week Silencer #1 came out. What was going on that day that I allowed myself to not buy a shitty comic book? I probably ate some vegetables that morning.
If you love comics about a chosen one who also happens to be a young person, you should pick up a dozen copies of this book. The young chosen one seems even more special since he's being hunted by all the world's immortals. Apparently their power and experience can't save the world. What they need is a fresh perspective! They need the wisdom of youth! The world is doomed unless young Caden Park can say, "But seriously, guys!" after which he'll proceed to youthsplain his plan to save the world. That plan will be full of heart which the immortals don't have enough of, being that they're old people who have constantly gotten everything wrong and that's why the kids must save the world.
Rating: Look, I knew I was going to hate this book when I saw Tynion IV's name on the cover so I can't pretend that the following is an unbiased review: this book was terrible. I've also admitted over and over again that I don't like Jim Lee's scribbled faces art, no matter how often DC tries to convince me that he's the greatest artist of all time. The only reason I bought this book is because I like Vandal Savage. But then I realized that I almost certainly won't like the character when he's written by Tynion. So not only will I not be purchasing The Immortal Men #2, I am going to discretely sneak this copy of #1 back on the shelves at my local comic book store. Reverse-shoplifting isn't a crime, right?
Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
Rain by Concrete Blonde
Does nobody care about regulating the power that musicians have to control and contort our emotions?! If hypnotism were real, I'm certain they wouldn't allow hypnotists twenty-four hour access to our minds via radio so that we all wind up acting like chickens. And yet musicians are allowed to manipulate our emotions on a near constant basis? It's insanity! I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if every song out there was uplifting bubble gum pop that simply perks you up or makes you smile. But what about songs like this one? How is it legal to musically recreate a loneliness and heartbreak so bleak that you want to kill yourself?! And has anybody done a study on how many mass killings were perpetrated by somebody who just heard a Rammstein song?
Grade: A.
Hang Wire by The Pixies
I came to The Pixies too late in life to really love them. I feel like they distilled the confused anger of a growing teen into potent two and a half minute doses. Maybe they were what I needed to break out of the years I spent crushing on someone not interested in me. Instead, fucking Robert Smith and The Cure coddled my pain and heartbreak and told me to live there, forever. Fucking assholes.
Grade: C.
Prettiest Cop on the Block by Alice Cooper
This song is from one of the albums that nobody ever talks about, Special Forces. It belongs to that run of late seventies, early eighties albums where Alice tried to incorporate a bit of new wave and punk into his sound. He was always a bit of a chameleon, tailoring many of his albums to the sound of the day. By the name of the song, you might guess that it's about a cross-dressing man in a role society often thinks of as masculine. What you might not guess, if you don't know a lot about Alice Cooper, is that he has a number of songs along this theme. He also has a song about an ex-football playing construction worker who loves Hollywood and dresses like a woman and a song about a transvestite truck driver (but then who doesn't have one of those? Weird Al has one too! And probably The Doors, right?). I like the driving bass line on this song but overall it's a bit of a dud. It's no surprise that most of Alice's late seventies songs aren't often played on the radio.
Grade: C-.
Interchangeable Knife by Electric Six
Sometimes I find myself thinking, "I don't have a headache and I really want one." On those days, I'm lucky to be an owner of this song! That might sound like a positive but it was actually a criticism couched in positive language! I'm a sneaky mother fapper! Although if you don't mind the headache from the first thirty seconds of this song, it slides into a sort of disco slash rave slash gay hiphop thing that won't cure the headache the first part gave you but might get you accidentally dancing. "Accidentally dancing" is the only way to describe how I dance.
It's not like the rhythm of the song changes at the thirty second mark. It's just that it sounds like somebody realized they were recording inside of a giant metal pan and quickly ushered the band outside of the pan to finish the song. They probably should have just rerecorded the first bit because now I have a fucking headache.
Grade: C+ (Lose the first thirty seconds and it's a solid B).
Been Down by Blue October
I suppose if I had to choose a song that gives me a headache and a song that makes me kill myself, I'd choose the headache. Of course when I'm down and out suffering from a migraine (which I just dealt with over the last 24 hours for the first time in a quite awhile, so I'm speaking from recent experience), I spend most of that time wishing I was dead. So maybe I'm wrong about choosing the headache and I'd rather listen to this song.
Actually, I would rather listen to this song because I love the way it sounds. If you can ignore the lyrics where the guy is telling the person he loves that she should understand why he's a big asshole, it might even make you feel good! I would probably sing this song at Karaoke but I still haven't found a place that has it. On the plus side, the new Karaoke place I'll be going to next seems to list "Hate Me" as one of their tracks! Maybe I'll record myself singing that so everybody can watch it and think, "What the fuck is going on here?"
Grade: A-.
This part isn't a review but it's still part of the musical corner! I still own the first mix tape I ever made (and it still plays (and I still have a vehicle with a tape deck!)). The first song on the tape is "Hello" by Lionel Richie which is a total stalker song and a weird way to begin a tape which was directly meant for a specific person although I never gave her the tape. So basically it begins, "Hey! I want to tell you that I love you! Now here are a bunch of other songs about how much I want to touch you!" The final song on the tape is "Like China" by Phil Collins which is a song about how careful Phil is going to be fucking the girl for her first time. So that's like not at all a weird song to stick on a mix tape for the girl you're crushing on, right? "Hello! I love you! Now we're going to fuck and I'll be super careful because I'm pretending it's your first time even though I'm sure it's not but it is my first time so I'm going to be really bad at it. Please love me anyway!"
Does nobody care about regulating the power that musicians have to control and contort our emotions?! If hypnotism were real, I'm certain they wouldn't allow hypnotists twenty-four hour access to our minds via radio so that we all wind up acting like chickens. And yet musicians are allowed to manipulate our emotions on a near constant basis? It's insanity! I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if every song out there was uplifting bubble gum pop that simply perks you up or makes you smile. But what about songs like this one? How is it legal to musically recreate a loneliness and heartbreak so bleak that you want to kill yourself?! And has anybody done a study on how many mass killings were perpetrated by somebody who just heard a Rammstein song?
Grade: A.
Hang Wire by The Pixies
I came to The Pixies too late in life to really love them. I feel like they distilled the confused anger of a growing teen into potent two and a half minute doses. Maybe they were what I needed to break out of the years I spent crushing on someone not interested in me. Instead, fucking Robert Smith and The Cure coddled my pain and heartbreak and told me to live there, forever. Fucking assholes.
Grade: C.
Prettiest Cop on the Block by Alice Cooper
This song is from one of the albums that nobody ever talks about, Special Forces. It belongs to that run of late seventies, early eighties albums where Alice tried to incorporate a bit of new wave and punk into his sound. He was always a bit of a chameleon, tailoring many of his albums to the sound of the day. By the name of the song, you might guess that it's about a cross-dressing man in a role society often thinks of as masculine. What you might not guess, if you don't know a lot about Alice Cooper, is that he has a number of songs along this theme. He also has a song about an ex-football playing construction worker who loves Hollywood and dresses like a woman and a song about a transvestite truck driver (but then who doesn't have one of those? Weird Al has one too! And probably The Doors, right?). I like the driving bass line on this song but overall it's a bit of a dud. It's no surprise that most of Alice's late seventies songs aren't often played on the radio.
Grade: C-.
Interchangeable Knife by Electric Six
Sometimes I find myself thinking, "I don't have a headache and I really want one." On those days, I'm lucky to be an owner of this song! That might sound like a positive but it was actually a criticism couched in positive language! I'm a sneaky mother fapper! Although if you don't mind the headache from the first thirty seconds of this song, it slides into a sort of disco slash rave slash gay hiphop thing that won't cure the headache the first part gave you but might get you accidentally dancing. "Accidentally dancing" is the only way to describe how I dance.
It's not like the rhythm of the song changes at the thirty second mark. It's just that it sounds like somebody realized they were recording inside of a giant metal pan and quickly ushered the band outside of the pan to finish the song. They probably should have just rerecorded the first bit because now I have a fucking headache.
Grade: C+ (Lose the first thirty seconds and it's a solid B).
Been Down by Blue October
I suppose if I had to choose a song that gives me a headache and a song that makes me kill myself, I'd choose the headache. Of course when I'm down and out suffering from a migraine (which I just dealt with over the last 24 hours for the first time in a quite awhile, so I'm speaking from recent experience), I spend most of that time wishing I was dead. So maybe I'm wrong about choosing the headache and I'd rather listen to this song.
Actually, I would rather listen to this song because I love the way it sounds. If you can ignore the lyrics where the guy is telling the person he loves that she should understand why he's a big asshole, it might even make you feel good! I would probably sing this song at Karaoke but I still haven't found a place that has it. On the plus side, the new Karaoke place I'll be going to next seems to list "Hate Me" as one of their tracks! Maybe I'll record myself singing that so everybody can watch it and think, "What the fuck is going on here?"
Grade: A-.
This part isn't a review but it's still part of the musical corner! I still own the first mix tape I ever made (and it still plays (and I still have a vehicle with a tape deck!)). The first song on the tape is "Hello" by Lionel Richie which is a total stalker song and a weird way to begin a tape which was directly meant for a specific person although I never gave her the tape. So basically it begins, "Hey! I want to tell you that I love you! Now here are a bunch of other songs about how much I want to touch you!" The final song on the tape is "Like China" by Phil Collins which is a song about how careful Phil is going to be fucking the girl for her first time. So that's like not at all a weird song to stick on a mix tape for the girl you're crushing on, right? "Hello! I love you! Now we're going to fuck and I'll be super careful because I'm pretending it's your first time even though I'm sure it's not but it is my first time so I'm going to be really bad at it. Please love me anyway!"
What Am I Currently Reading?!
I just finished rereading Koji Suzuki's horror novel Ring. The reason I reread it is that, years after reading it, Powell's finally had a copy of the sequel, Spiral. Ring was a quick read so I knew I could breeze through it in a few days so the events would be fresh in my mind upon reading the sequel. It's a good thing I reread it because I certainly forgot a few major points, like how Sadako never actually crawled out of television sets like in the movie and how she had testicles and smallpox. The book was written in 1992 but seems to be commenting on modern Internet meme culture. I get that memes are just thought viruses and Ring's main plot point is that Sadako and Smallpox have a thought virus baby to enact vengeance on all the terrible people of the world (which are all the people). Maybe Koji had recently read Dawkins' The Selfish Gene which inspired this novel. Asakawa, the main character in the book, relies on a book about viruses and mankind to figure out how to break Sadako's curse (or, more accurately, to keep it going). Plus he and his cohort, Ryuji, discuss how viruses could be genes that have escaped our DNA to become free wheeling hippy genomes camping out on whatever gene couch will have them. Apparently there's a brand new fourth book in the series. My guess is that it will absolutely deal with the curse traveling along Internet memes.
Ring is one of those books I'd recommend for long flights. It's an easy read that holds your attention the entire way through. But if you're a young person who hates free speech, nazis, rape, and blunt assumptions of traditional gender based on sexual organs, you might have a couple of issues with this book. Those issues won't have anything to do with free speech or nazis though! You just have to wade through one main character occasionally bragging about raping women. But at least by the end, he gets his! That's a spoiler so try not to remember that if you're going to read this book. Also, it's unclear by the end whether or not he's actually ever raped anybody. I suppose that's not really the point though. The fact that he thinks he can make friends by admitting to having raped people probably makes him unlikable. You might also not like the main character since he knows about Ryuji's rapes since high school and has never turned him in nor stopped hanging out with him. Boy, if only I could have read this book in 1992 when everybody was totally cool with rape so that I wouldn't feel these conflicted feelings about the protagonist and his rapey friend.
The gender stuff just gets weird but I understand why Koji put it in there. He needed Sadako to think of herself as female so that she could long for a baby but also needed her to physically be male so that she couldn't have that baby. So Koji gave her Testicular Feminization Syndrome. It's almost as weird a beat as when the kids in It have a gang bang in the sewer so that they can lose their innocence and escape It's world. Sometimes writers shouldn't be allowed to come up with their own plot points.
I'm also up to Ogre, Ogre in my trudgingly trudging reread of Anthony's Xanth novels. I have to read them so I can finally discover what color her panties were in The Color of Her Panties which is where I stopped reading them because I couldn't be seen reading a book called The Color of Her Panties in high school! At least not if I wanted to get laid in high school! Not that I ever got laid in high school! But that certainly wouldn't have helped! Or maybe it would have? I bet some horny Xanth loving nerd girl would have totally been all, "Oh, you're into panties, are you?" Then I would have learned what finger banging was!
Ring is one of those books I'd recommend for long flights. It's an easy read that holds your attention the entire way through. But if you're a young person who hates free speech, nazis, rape, and blunt assumptions of traditional gender based on sexual organs, you might have a couple of issues with this book. Those issues won't have anything to do with free speech or nazis though! You just have to wade through one main character occasionally bragging about raping women. But at least by the end, he gets his! That's a spoiler so try not to remember that if you're going to read this book. Also, it's unclear by the end whether or not he's actually ever raped anybody. I suppose that's not really the point though. The fact that he thinks he can make friends by admitting to having raped people probably makes him unlikable. You might also not like the main character since he knows about Ryuji's rapes since high school and has never turned him in nor stopped hanging out with him. Boy, if only I could have read this book in 1992 when everybody was totally cool with rape so that I wouldn't feel these conflicted feelings about the protagonist and his rapey friend.
The gender stuff just gets weird but I understand why Koji put it in there. He needed Sadako to think of herself as female so that she could long for a baby but also needed her to physically be male so that she couldn't have that baby. So Koji gave her Testicular Feminization Syndrome. It's almost as weird a beat as when the kids in It have a gang bang in the sewer so that they can lose their innocence and escape It's world. Sometimes writers shouldn't be allowed to come up with their own plot points.
I'm also up to Ogre, Ogre in my trudgingly trudging reread of Anthony's Xanth novels. I have to read them so I can finally discover what color her panties were in The Color of Her Panties which is where I stopped reading them because I couldn't be seen reading a book called The Color of Her Panties in high school! At least not if I wanted to get laid in high school! Not that I ever got laid in high school! But that certainly wouldn't have helped! Or maybe it would have? I bet some horny Xanth loving nerd girl would have totally been all, "Oh, you're into panties, are you?" Then I would have learned what finger banging was!
Letters to Me!
Anonymous Writes: (In response to me telling him, "You leave the worst comments! I can't believe how badly you misunderstand Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!") What's to misunderstand? It still doesn't change the fact about Lobo becoming the very thing he was supposed to condemn even before The New 52. Even worse, you are a reviewer who lets mediocre/below mediocre crap like the Rebirth Justice League of America get a pass all because it features a character you like.
My Reply: Oh man, Cullen Bunn...I mean Anonymous! You're so close to understanding the blog! But you're unable to realize the joke is the thing you describe because you always have to be the smartest guy in the room, don't you? I rarely quote people (unless I'm misquoting Shakespeare and attributing the quote to Yogi Bear) but I think this calls for a Patton Oswalt quote: "You will miss everything cool and die angry."
My Reply: Oh man, Cullen Bunn...I mean Anonymous! You're so close to understanding the blog! But you're unable to realize the joke is the thing you describe because you always have to be the smartest guy in the room, don't you? I rarely quote people (unless I'm misquoting Shakespeare and attributing the quote to Yogi Bear) but I think this calls for a Patton Oswalt quote: "You will miss everything cool and die angry."
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KB Writes: (In response to me writing, "Most Americans think Bon Jovi was a huge punchline to the joke of '80s rock music.") 'Lost Highway' is my go-to song when it feels like life has stopped shitting on me and I can finally breathe again. I'm not necessarily about Bon Jovi all the time, but he has his moments.
My Reply: I don't know that song. I guess I don't know much Bon Jovi after Slippery When Wet. But I should rectify that because I know why Bon Jovi has been so successful for so long. You've seen his smile, right? That smile is his music. Sure, some of his songs shouldn't be sung with that smile. But deep down, we all love Bon Jovi because you know he's going to treat you like his best friend even if he just met you. Unless you just fucked his wife or daughter or Richie, of course. Then he'll probably be all, "Say goodbye to yesterday, bitch!" After which he'll get his ass kicked by you because — let's face it — we all know Jovi can't fight.
I found it interesting but not surprising that under the Wikipedia entry for Jovi's album, "Lost Highway," they listed his genre as "country rock." I bet my fifteen year old self would have been all, "You take that back! Jovi don't country rock! Jovi just rocks! 'Love is a social disease yeah yeah yeah!'" Then whoever just told my fifteen year old self that Jovi was country would be all, "Dude. Stop headbanging in my face. Your leather fringes almost put my eye out." But my forty-six year old self is all, "Oh yeah. I guess Jovi found his true calling after the Young Guns II soundtrack. Totally country rock."
What I'm trying to say is that I'd probably suck Jon's dick if he asked. Just to see that smile.
My Reply: I don't know that song. I guess I don't know much Bon Jovi after Slippery When Wet. But I should rectify that because I know why Bon Jovi has been so successful for so long. You've seen his smile, right? That smile is his music. Sure, some of his songs shouldn't be sung with that smile. But deep down, we all love Bon Jovi because you know he's going to treat you like his best friend even if he just met you. Unless you just fucked his wife or daughter or Richie, of course. Then he'll probably be all, "Say goodbye to yesterday, bitch!" After which he'll get his ass kicked by you because — let's face it — we all know Jovi can't fight.
I found it interesting but not surprising that under the Wikipedia entry for Jovi's album, "Lost Highway," they listed his genre as "country rock." I bet my fifteen year old self would have been all, "You take that back! Jovi don't country rock! Jovi just rocks! 'Love is a social disease yeah yeah yeah!'" Then whoever just told my fifteen year old self that Jovi was country would be all, "Dude. Stop headbanging in my face. Your leather fringes almost put my eye out." But my forty-six year old self is all, "Oh yeah. I guess Jovi found his true calling after the Young Guns II soundtrack. Totally country rock."
What I'm trying to say is that I'd probably suck Jon's dick if he asked. Just to see that smile.
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KB Writes: (In response to me writing, "We also learn how Lister became a crew member and that his breaking of quarantine by smuggling the cat on board was done on purpose so he could be in stasis for the entire trip back to Earth.") Blasphemy! Cloister the Stupid was trying to protect The Holy Mother Frankenstein, not exploit her and possibly leave her to starve. What are you, one of the orange-hat wearers?"
My Reply: He didn't leave her to starve! He made sure she'd be locked safely away in the ventilation system where nobody would find her and where she'd have plenty of opportunities for stealing food from cargo. And that's not my orange-hat wearing speculation. It's all written down in perfectly serviceable smells in the holy book, Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers. You should try not to be so brainwashed.
My Reply: He didn't leave her to starve! He made sure she'd be locked safely away in the ventilation system where nobody would find her and where she'd have plenty of opportunities for stealing food from cargo. And that's not my orange-hat wearing speculation. It's all written down in perfectly serviceable smells in the holy book, Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers. You should try not to be so brainwashed.
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KB Writes: (In response to me writing, "I hate when people equate Jesus Christ Superstar with Godspell.") Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not equating the two at all! JCS good, GS bad. "Godspell" is way too precious and is an excuse for theater majors to embarrass themselves in a setting where nobody's allowed to mock them because that would be blasphemy. (And yet Jesus as a clown is neither blasphemy nor grounds for action from the Siegel and Shuster estates.)
My Reply: This is why I hate communicating on the Internet and why I have a rule of only responding to comments on my blog once (occasionally twice, if I'm feeling sassy and up to the mind-numbing drain of a discussion with an absolute moron (not that you, KB, are a moron! At least not an absolute one!)). Don't get ME wrong! I never thought you were equating Jesus Christ Superstar with Godspell! How could this conversation gone so far off the rails?!
Anyway, I do like your definition of Godspell.
My Reply: This is why I hate communicating on the Internet and why I have a rule of only responding to comments on my blog once (occasionally twice, if I'm feeling sassy and up to the mind-numbing drain of a discussion with an absolute moron (not that you, KB, are a moron! At least not an absolute one!)). Don't get ME wrong! I never thought you were equating Jesus Christ Superstar with Godspell! How could this conversation gone so far off the rails?!
Anyway, I do like your definition of Godspell.
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KB Writes: Boy wouldn't Superman feel stupid if he'd wiped out his powers "just in case", and then a meteor wiped out Metropolis.
My Reply: I guess that's why he never takes Batman seriously when Batman is all, "You're too powerful. You should cancel yourself." Superman is smart!
This doesn't remind me at all but I'm terrible at segues, I had a dream last week where my high school English teacher, Mr. Borror, was holding a class where we were discussing Jesus Christ Superstar and some poems I can't remember (Dammit! If I were better at segues, I would have introduced this during the replies about Jesus Christ Superstar! So dumb!). One of the people in the class was you, KB. I was really terrible at explicating the poem and couldn't even, in the dream, remember what it was about. So instead I decided to say some nice things about Mr. Borror and the people in the class. I said this about you, KB: "He's said some really sweet things in his emails." So there you go! Even my subconscious likes you! I think that means we're real boys now! I mean real friends!
My Reply: I guess that's why he never takes Batman seriously when Batman is all, "You're too powerful. You should cancel yourself." Superman is smart!
This doesn't remind me at all but I'm terrible at segues, I had a dream last week where my high school English teacher, Mr. Borror, was holding a class where we were discussing Jesus Christ Superstar and some poems I can't remember (Dammit! If I were better at segues, I would have introduced this during the replies about Jesus Christ Superstar! So dumb!). One of the people in the class was you, KB. I was really terrible at explicating the poem and couldn't even, in the dream, remember what it was about. So instead I decided to say some nice things about Mr. Borror and the people in the class. I said this about you, KB: "He's said some really sweet things in his emails." So there you go! Even my subconscious likes you! I think that means we're real boys now! I mean real friends!
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Anyway, that's all for now! I can't remember my sign off. I'm terrible at consistency. I think it had something to do with calling everybody twats or losers or something. Bye!
