Bizarro: Year None #1 (April 2026)

I just wouldn't have, you know, included Bizarro's thumb on his left hand in that grip.

Bizarro: Year None #1 (April 2026)
By Kevin Smith, Eric Carrasco, Nick Pitarra, Dave Sharpe, and Michael Garland
Variant Cover by Fernando Pasarin, Oclair Albert, and Arif Prianto
Edited by Jillian Grant and Paul Kaminski

Being slightly back into comic books for as long as Lobo is being put out monthly means that I have to enter comic book stores again and scan the shelves looking for my precious baby space boy bounty hunter book. That means I have to see other comic books that pique my interest which means I'm also currently buying Deathstork and Batwoman. This month, I noticed this book and thought, "Fuck yes! Bizarro am the worst! Me not buy this at all immediately!" Then the Andy, owner of Cosmic Monkey, walked over from about twenty feet away where he'd been organizing comics, punched me in the throat, and yelled, "Get out!"

"But Debbie at Excalibur doesn't seem to ever get DC Comics in her shop!" I screamed as he grabbed a handful of my hair and began dragging me toward the door.

"Do you mean she does get DC Comics, Mr. Stupid Fucking Bizarro Impression?!" he yelled as he stomped on my midsection and hurled me through the window and into the middle of Sandy Boulevard.

So, anyway, I sent the Non-Certified Spouse in to get my comics this month and warned her not to speak like Bizarro. That's why I have a variant cover issue that costs a full dollar more! Man, I really need to teach the Non-Certified Spouse about comic books!

One thing I learned only after purchasing this comic book: it was written by Kevin Smith. Man, I hope he doesn't make it canon that Bizarro pisses himself. Or does that mean Bizarro doesn't piss himself. Goddamn it, I'm already confused. Why do I read Bizarro comics?!

Is the use of the plural form of "heaven" here the Mandela Effect¹?!

Look, I don't know which fucking translation of The Bible everybody seems to be using but I've got my King James Bible right here and it says "heaven" and not "heavens". But looking it up online to check turns up Smith's version of the quote, like, practically everywhere. Even the Genesis 1:1 Wikipedia page uses "heavens" even when they have a screenshot of a 1620 King James Bible which says "heaven". Am I going fucking crazy?! Have we, as a society, just decided that God made multiple heavens and not just the one? Why not just start saying "earths" as well?!²

I don't know how "heaven" reads in Hebrew or Aramaic or Greek or any other language that came before the King James' English translation but then I've also been assured that I don't have to because the King James translation is just as divinely inspired as The Bible in its original form. And if this shit is divinely transpired³, y'all are going to have to remember it exactly and not fudge it in every miniscule way possible because you shouldn't fucking be correcting God, you bastards!

Fucking Kevin Smith. I'm already angry at him and he just wrote one fucking line!

And now I'm in a whole "heaven" vs "heavens" rabbit hole! I figured "heavens and earth" came from more modern translations like the New International Version of The Bible and such. And, well, yeah, it has heavens, along with all the other more simplistic modern translations written to make sure dopes who can't abide the language in the King James Version can still get their daily dose of brainwashing. But this Bible site I'm reading has the opening line from all the various translations and, Holy God⁵, there are so many! The majority of them have decided on "heavens" although a few have just opted for the even more simplistic "sky" and a few even just decided on "universe", presumably to quash any Rabbinicalesque Gentile debate over the meaning of "heaven" or "heavens" (or even "sky"!).

So, fine, I guess Kevin Smith and all the dopes everywhere are partially correct. But I'll still fight for "heaven" as God's choice. Unless I've been lied to by religion my entire life and the King James translation is just another work by man and not divinely inspired at all! But what are the odds of that? So low!

Anyway I don't know what's going on in that first page because I've lost sight in one eye and my head really hurts now and I can't stop vomiting. I think this is a depiction of that moment that God jerked off while Krona watched? Or maybe, being that the orgasm is green, this is Krona attempting the same thing but only managing to ejaculate an old copy of The Daily Planet? At least my interpretation is more exciting than Kevin Smith's decision to "begin at the beginning" by misquoting the beginning of The Bible. So creative! Not at cliché! Me love totally!

Since the actual story begins one year after God creating the "heavens" and the earth (unless it's one year after the green orgasm ending in media space debris), I don't know what the fuck is happening. I guess Bizarro World is just one year old is the point. It's weird that it would have been created by God though and not Dog. Or Satan. What's the opposite of God? A little girl?

The actual story begins with Jimmy Olsen buying doughnuts at a food cart with a terrible business model.

Even if I just want one doughnut, I'm buying two for $1 and throwing the extra one to the pigeons and rats and sewer dwellers.⁴

Some people (probably those who think The Bible begins with God making loads and loads of heavens) might argue with me about the food cart's sign. "It doesn't say 2 for $1! It says 2 for 1!" And if that's going to be their argument, good for them. Maybe a little pat on the head and an overly small sucker will chill them out since thinking doesn't seem to be working for them. What the fuck does "2 for 1" even mean in this context? Can I trade two doughnuts for one better, more sphincter-like doughnut?! I don't know!

Look! Now I'm arguing with imaginary strawmen⁶! Nobody would ever try to argue with me about that 2 for 1 sign! What a stupid idea! Who would even notice it when there's a guy rubbing his tongue all over the backside of a doughnut just beneath it!

While waiting for Jimmy Olsen to bring him his coffee (which is taking an inordinately long time because Jimmy seems to fetch coffee for everybody in Metropolis), Perry White explains the first page of this issue.

It has far less to do with masturbation than I expected. Especially with Kevin Smith writing this.⁷

So some guy named Professor Dalton invented a terrible duplication ray that barely worked. Except that it did work and much better than anybody could have believed. And also I guess, based on the first page Narration Boxes, Professor Dalton is God.

Oh, I was wrong. Perry White isn't waiting for Jimmy Olsen because he doesn't yet work for The Daily Planet. Superman's only been in town for a year and a half so we're close to the beginning of Supes' timeline. Clark, Lois, Cat, Ron, and Steve are all working at The Daily Planet though. And Bizarro World has been in existence for a year. And most of this first issue has been about Jimmy Olsen getting the job by capturing video of a gigantic Toy Man tin soldier attacking The Daily Planet with its bayonet, shoving it through the office window. Superman stopped it but couldn't clean up because Clark and Lois had to go honor the president at the stupid fucking White House Correspondents Dinner which Lois had better fucking shit and piss all over. Like Batman exploding a wall!

While Jimmy tries to convince Perry that the New York Times⁹ editorial section sounds like an old man yelling at kids for doing normal kid stuff, Professor Dalton sets up his duplication ray in Hob's Bay. He's still miffed that he once threw a copy of The Daily Planet inside and two copies of The Daily Planet didn't come out. So he sets up his Duplication Ray (which is actually a portal gun that makes a portal in which you throw something and, presumably, a bunch of elves on the other side duplicate it and throw the original and duplication back out), to see if The Daily Planet has finally been copied. When he does this, Bizarro comes out because Dalton's Duplication Ray is actually God and created an entire fucked-up world based on the Metropolis Newspaper and the word "heavens".

Speaking of the boring "heaven vs. heavens" debate I got inordinately angry about earlier, I just wandered off to shit all over the White House Correspondents Dinner¹⁰; and I fantasized a whole conversation¹¹ I would have with somebody accusing me of being ableist for holding the opinion that people who read the New International Version of The Bible are dolts. My defense amounted to this: Yes, I was rude in the way I phrased it. And, yes, it's perfectly fine for some dolt who reads the New International Version of The Bible to be offended by my comments. It would be perfectly valid for them to tell me to fuck off. But, also, that's not enough anymore? Because all that means is that they were insulted and they're angry at me for having insulted them and there's no real justice in that! So instead, they had to make my position seem bigoted and evil after which any venom they spewed at me was morally and ethically justified while I had no leg to stand on in my defense (which is, I reckon, an ableist statement in itself). I really think we've lost the value of a good "Fuck off, dickstain!" Now every person's anger needs to be righteous and holy!

Man. I really do like creating strawmen to fuck. I mean debate. Don't go away from this believing that I buy straw from the local farmer's market, rock t-shirts and short shorts from the local Goodwill, and make strawmen which I then bend over those haystacks in my backyard and have my way with them. That's fucking idiotic and, I believe, libelous.

Bizarro kidnaps Perry White (and Jimmy Olsen who happens to be in the same elevator as Perry) and flies him back through the portal (destroying the Duplicator Ray as he goes). Perry and Jimmy wind up on Bizarro World hanging out with Bizarro who doesn't have a backwards "S" on his chest for some reason. Although he does have bad teeth. I can't tell if he's hideous because Nick Pitarra draws like Chris Burnham meaning all of his characters look like they've had lifelong weekly subdermal yogurt injections. Meaning they all look kind of hideous.

See? He looks as if Frank Quitely shoved his hand up Chris Burnham's ass and puppeted him while he drew Bizarro.

This Bizarro is a twelfth-level intellect (is that as much as Brainiac?) named, oh, something dumb. Like that guy who wears the bowler cap and fucks with Superman (in an '80s fucks with way and not in a modern young person fucks with way). He created Bizarro World and all the people in it as an homage to the world he read in The Daily Planet. He only talks like Bizarro once when Perry White says something about things being backwards but he quickly regains control of himself. Other things in Bizarro Metropolis aren't quite right. "Whole Donuts" is called "Donut Holes". Bibbo is a baby and runs the Deuce of Spades. Jimmy Olsen gets the job as editor of The Bizarro Daily Planet while Perry White has to run errands. Aside from a bunch of weirdness and maybe a couple of small hints that Bizarro might be an asshole, everything seems sort of chill. But Kevin Smith makes sure to end the issue by declaring that Bizarro is a jerk¹².

The Ranking!
I don't know if Bizarro is a jerk or a God or what but I know he's not Bizarro. Give me regular Bizarro! The confusing one and not the pompous one! I think Kevin Smith was worried that he wouldn't be able to write regular Bizarro because Smith can't help being loquacious. Why would he want to write somebody who shouts things like "Me am impotent with shrunken flaccid pussy!"? Oh wait. That's exactly something Kevin Smith would love to write. But I think he loves to write long-winded, multisyllabic worded diatribes more than short confusing backwards statements. I'm sure it will all work out eventually! Or won't. Whichever one of those is the way Bizarro would say it.


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¹ I don't mind believing in The Mandela Effect as long as you realize I'm using it in the way it should be used: an incorrect belief of the way something from the past was due to memory being what it is but seen through the eyes of narcissists who would rather believe the universe has changed than admit they misremembered something.
² Although, I mean, the DC Universe probably should be using the plural of earth.
³ Is that the correct word for an inspired translation or is it just simply another different word altogether? No, no! Don't tell me! I want to be surprised when I see my editor's head explode!
⁴ Yes I'm going to ignore that "Whole Donuts" mascot is a guy giving a rimjob to a donut.
⁵ Excuse my blasphemy.
⁶ The best kind to argue with because can you imagine how terrifying real strawmen would be? And itchy!
⁷ On the other hand, the two panels before this one contained a dick joke⁸!
⁸ Does the cigar count as another dick joke? Probably!
⁹ I know what I typed.
¹⁰ That's what I call my toilet bowl.
¹¹ As all normal people do, obvs.
¹² In a narration box so I think it has to be true.

Lobo #2 (April 2026)

Goddamn that Lobo logo makes me so happy.

Lobo #2 (April 2026)
By Skottie Young, Jorge Corona, Jean-Francois Beaulieu, and Nate Piekos
Cover by Jorge Corona and Jean-Francois Beaulieu
Edited by James Reid and Kathleen Wisneski. And I guess Paul Kaminski, too

I cannot believe that The New 52 decided to toss this logo into the trash in favor of that fucking nothing logo they used for "I paint French Girls" Lobo. Whoever was in charge of the redesign was all, "Our new Lobo is too much of a pansy ass cufflink wearer to ride a hog so his logo shouldn't look anything like a motorcycle at all. It should just be regular letters but with some spikes coming out of the letters! And the letters should get smaller as they approach the edge of the page to simulate that a child with no sense of space and perspective were drawing it because then readers will be prepared when they read the comic book and think, 'Did a fucking baby write this shit?!'" After seeing this logo, I needed to refresh myself with the awful experience of reading Twat Lobo #1, mostly so I could really appreciate having Lobo back in his proper form. While doing so, I noticed a comment on my review of Twat Lobo #1 that I hadn't responded to. It went a little something like this:

"This Lobo is more like how he was in Omega Men and Justice League International, back when he was a scary villain rather than the crap joke Simon Bisley made him out to be. I eat my own poo and find it delicious! P.S. This anonymous comment is not Cullen Bunn at all!"

An interesting take calling New 52 Lobo a "scary villain" when he was waifier than a Victorian girl with dysentery and had less testosterone. In the first issue of his series, he either shit or pissed his bed after having a nightmare. And yet I've never heard anybody complain about how Cullen Bunn made Lobo shit himself from a scary dream! How is that when I still, to this day, hear people moan about Kevin Smith saying a teeny tiny amount of pee dribbled out of Batman's peener after he stood too close to an explosion¹! You know another thing nobody talks about? Aquaman's priapism during Cullen Bunn's run of that loser! How does an artist not consciously incorporate a raging boner into a character's new look? It had to have been on purpose, right?! At least I already hated Aquaman when Cullen Bunn began writing him so that I wasn't disappointed at all. I was just all, "Hmm. This isn't Aquaman. Seems more like Cullen Bunn pulled an old John Carter of Mars script out of a drawer and replaced 'John Carter' with 'Aquaman'."

But enough about Cullen Bunn! Unless you want to see how much he hated me. Do you want to see how much he hated me? It makes me sad to think about it because I was having so much fun writing stupidly angry comic book reviews and he was all, "This hurts my feelings!" I probably owe him a beer or something. Maybe a Snickers.

Is that a still from Boondock Saints? Because it would make sense that Cullen Bunn would like the shittiest movie ever made!

I don't know who asked that question on Bunn's tumblr because I maintained a policy to never interfere with artists and writers online while doing my reviews, especially if I disliked their stuff. Sure, I'd talk with various writers who would reach out to me with comments, like Gail Simone and Sterling Gates. Or if they were generally disturbed by something I wrote and I noticed, I would sometimes reach out and apologize, like when Marcus To found a post where I savaged a cover he drew. But I pointed out to him that, at the end of the review, I was all, "I generally really loved this art! There's obviously something seriously wrong with me!"

This issue begins with Lobo getting his hair did for his new bounty hunter reality series for Space HBO.

Is this how haircuts work? I haven't had one in six years and I've forgotten.

On one hand, I think they missed a trick by not having one of Lobo's hairstyles be the Twat Lobo style. But on the other, much better hand, I'm glad they didn't remind me a second time of Twat Lobo, especially since I've already made myself sick to my stomach by re-reading some of my old reviews of that series. Can you get cancer from reading about terrible comic book characters? I'm so scared.

Lobo really seems to like the pompadour upsweep thing in the fifth panel but judging by the back of his head on the cover, he's going to get the "Dragonball Z".

Glancing at the cover again to take in some more of that Lobo ass-crack, I noticed that the title on the television screen (that I'm assuming, possibly incorrectly, is the name of the reality show) ends in a period. That's so uncommon that I can't think of one television show that ends in a period that wasn't an acronym like S.W.A.T. or Trapper John, M.D.. Exclamation points like in Just Shoot Me! and question marks as in Wiseguy? are just fine. But a period?! Come on!

On the second page, getting right into the thick of things as Lobo makes his first appearance in costume with "All New Lobo" in the background (possibly the actual name of his show and "The Last Czarnian." was a 60 Minutes story? Did those use periods?!).

Just like a television producer to remove everything great about a concept to put their own shit spin on it.

Lobo would rather wear his leather, jeans, and chains but a focus group suggested a superhero costume might work better. I don't understand why focus groups exist. I've come to the conclusion that anybody who would be willing to take part in a focus group doesn't know shit about anything. I guess the entire point is to get enough random opinions so that everything becomes sanitized and shoved into some median opinion that doesn't actually exist. If a few people say they love to see people die on camera, and a few people say they hate to see people die on camera, do you decide to just cripple people on camera which is something nobody said they liked? I think maybe I just don't understand focus groups. The only focus groups I've ever seen were either fictional like in Silicon Valley (was that one? I don't know!) or fucked up like in Impractical Jokers (again, are those focus groups?).²

A lot going on in the first panel of Lobo's new reality gig!

First, Slixton Blind is probably some kind of joke about the names of British towns. Or a sex joke I'm missing because, well, you know what? Never mind why I don't get sex. I mean sex jokes! Second, "brutanium" is meant to invoke the stupidity of adamantium or inertron or unbreakablygen. Third, how can a galaxy be "southeastern"? Fourth, the Main Man makes a timely '80s "I ain't gay, bro" joke. Fifth, Dawg has ripped his cape to shreds like any good animal put in stupid fucking clothes. Sixth, "Space Crime Alley" is a shot at Batman and his dead parents. Seventh, the glory hole³ has a tongue. Eighth, on this planet, gum is adult oriented. Ninth, I think that's Orko in the lower left corner. Tenth and final comment, I don't know if the purple mohawked kid with the katana on their back is a reference to something because I haven't consumed all pop culture there is to consume.

We discover, in the next panel, that Lobo's quarry's name is Brummer Jip which I'm sure is at least three slurs in one name: Gyp, Jap, and Bummer (as in a man who has butt sex with another man). Maybe "Brummer" is also a slur for somebody from Birmingham. One thing I do know: it was all intentional! Fucking Skottie Young! You naughty boy!

The president of Space HBO soon learns that Lobo ain't too good at following scripts and directions. So he blows the factory to shit when he's supposed to knock and declare his bounty hunter intentions. So they retake the shot after Lobo picks up the door from the rubble and knocks on it. But then he adds too many violent threats to the warrant and they have to take the shot again⁴. On the next take, he uses the name of the wrong advertiser so he's forced to go again. But one thing everybody knows about Lobo aside from how thick his luscious cock⁵ is is his lack of patience.

With an offensive name like Brummer Jip, I'm glad they're dead!

On Lobo's second bounty, we learn that Space HBO doesn't have an actual limit in the number of times a character can say "frag" or "fucker" or "cocksucker" or "glory hole". The studio just wants to limit Lobo's use of the word because he's supposed to be an "antihero" and not just a villainous swearmonger like he was in Omega Men or Justice League International.

It seems like Lobo's show is going out live but the director keeps yelling "Cut!" when Lobo does something he doesn't like. Maybe that's all part of the fun of the show! It's the reality of making a reality television show. It gets so graphic that even Atrocitus vomits blood⁶ while watching it.

A few more focus groups later and Space HBO has determined that what the audience really wants (more so than Lobo shoving blenders up bounties' assholes) is for Lobo the anti-hero to go after an actual hero!

Oh shit. He's going after me!⁷

No, no. He's going after Aquaman. Specifically, Cullen Bunn's John Carter of Mars Aquaman. You can tell because Lobo acts as confused as I was reading Bunn's Aquaman. You could tell I was confused because I kept saying things like, "What's this funky fish sunnofova carp doing all the way out in space?"

Um, it's also possible, being that I haven't been reading DC Comics in many years, that Aquaman now lives in space. Why? Who the fuck knows why? I still don't know why Bunn thought he'd be good out there!

Aquaman laughs in Lobo's face when he realizes Lobo's the star of a new Space HBO show called The Main Man. I'm beginning to get the feeling that Skottie Young got the okay from corporate to kill Aquaman. Or at least to have one of his hands⁸ cut off again. No way he's going to get away with laughing at The Main Man in his own comic book!

Luckily for Aquaman, Lobo's show gets cancelled mid-fight. Sure, I know Lobo's chest had been pierced by Aquaman's trident and Lobo was missing a leg. But that's all foreplay for Lobo! Aquaman was just several seconds away from being in a position where he could give himself a rimjob.

Back at Space HBO studios, Lobo learns a lesson about studios and their execs and how they'd seemingly rather fail than succeed because, somehow, it makes them more money. He throws the guy out the window, threatens the rest of the studio if they don't pay him what they promised, and walks out of the studio naked. I'd scan naked Lobo but, in all earnestness, I just don't want anybody else to drool over him. Go buy your own copy if you want to flick your Bic over my Main Man.

The Ranking!
Is this the best comic book to hit shelves in nearly thirty years? Um, yes? Duh!


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¹ Or something. Fuck if I know what happened. Do you think I read whatever comic book that was in?!
² The Merriam-Webster definition of focus group: "a small group of people whose response to something (such as a new product or a politician's image) is studied to determine the response that can be expected from a larger population." How do people still buy into this shit? Why can't people be content for things to fail or succeed in the rigors of actual life? We hardly ever get anything surprising thanks to these Goddamned focus groups!
³ The term "glory hole" will get this review put behind a warning label on Blogger until I can request a human to review it. Then they'll hesitantly take a look at it knowing the phrase "glory hole" was used, click over, breathe a sigh of relief, and reply to me, "Okay, nerd, this is cool. I guess."
⁴ Also he says "Frag" too many times. I guess "frag" is space swearing and Space HBO isn't quite like Earth HBO. Unless, since this is the reality TV division, this guy is head of Space Discovery.
⁵ The focus group is suggesting I don't reference Lobo's cock, especially with the earlier use of "glory hole". I had to fire them. Into the sun.
⁶ I think that means he loves the graphic violence because doesn't he love to vomit blood on stuff?
⁷ Me! Grunion Guy! Beloved funky-shit-filled-ass hero! Son of a tuna! Sometimes in spa. . . oh wait. He said "son of a carp". Whew. I'm going to be okay!
⁸ On my first run at this thought, I typed "nads" instead of "hands".

Lobo #1 (March 2026)

I got the special edition which comes with lotion, a box of tissues, and a change of underpants.

Lobo #1 (March 2026)
By Skottie Young, Jorge Corona, Jean Francois Beaulieu, and Nate Piekos
Cover by KyuYong Eom
Edited by James Reid, Kathleen Wisneski and Paul Kaminski

• I excitedly walked down to my local comic book shop to pick up Lobo #1 and then sadly looked at the shelves empty of Lobo #1s for what seemed the saddest eternity. So I went up to the owner who shall remain anonymous¹ and said, "I was looking for Lobo #1 because Lobo's about the only thing that could get me back into buying new comics!" And then she kicked me in the balls, tackled me to the ground, and yanked my arm up behind my back and growled, "Say you like big dicks, nerd. Say it! Say, 'I like big dicks!'" So between my sobs when I could catch my breath, I cried, "I like big dicks! I can't get enough of them! Mmm, mmm!" And she was all, "Yeah, I though so. I like them too." And then she helped me up, dusted me off, and we high-fived over big dicks. But, sadly, she then said, "Our DC shipment was delayed." Diplomatically, I did not say, "That's why I stopped buying comics here back in 2020! Because you never got your DC shipments!" And while, intellectually, I know, at the time, that was Diamond's problem which led to Diamond losing their stranglehold on the comic book distribution market, I still felt like maybe it's not totally the distributor's fault if this is still happening six years later? And at such a crucial time as the day the first issue of the new Lobo series shipped?!

• So later I went to Cosmic Monkey Comics and they had fifteen thousand copies of every Lobo variant on the shelves next to fifteen thousand copies of every other new comic that came out that day and also they didn't tackle me to the ground or force me to declare my love of big dicks. On the other hand, the clerk seemed to want to get rid of me as soon as possible and while normally I would attribute that to my terrible social skills, it's possible that she was just rude. Also it might have been the "I like big dicks" written in Sharpie across my forehead by Debbie. I mean the owner of that unnamed comic book store.

• Peter never treated me so roughly when he ran the store! He would always gently take my hand and wink and say, "Man, I bet you like big dicks, don't you?" And then I'd blush and I'd giggle and I'd say, "PETER!" Then he'd give me my 25% discount which I thought was for having a subscription box but it might also have been because I liked big dicks. Who can say?

• Anyway, look at this! Lobo's back! I mean, yeah, I know he's been around this whole time. But he's back with a monthly series that doesn't star a fake Lobo written by a guy who hates DC characters! I hope Alan Grant is rolling over in his grave! I mean in a happy way because he's gotten a huge boner and he's trying to get more comfortable. If Val Semeiks were dead, he'd probably have a big angel boner too. But he's alive so his boner is pure flesh and blood like mine. And he must have one because he once said, about drawing Alan Grant's Lobo, that it was "about as much fun as anyone can have drawing comics." I stole that from his Wikipedia which I went to to find out if he was still alive.

• Speaking of Val Semeiks, I should constantly praise him to the ends of the Earth because while he was having as much fun as anybody could have drawing comics, I was having the best time of my comic book reading life because of his work on Lobo and The Demon. I can't thank him and Alan Grant enough. I should also throw Keith Giffen's name into the ring while I'm at it because, well, Lobo but also Ambush Bug. And his and DeMatteis's Justice League was the League I grew up on. Thankfully! Can you imagine if you grew up on the League before that and were nostalgic about Aquaman, Gypsy, Vibe, and Commander Steel?! How embarrassing for you!

• Am I stalling? I'm so excited but I'm also scared! I'm basically an old man now. Can my heart handle this much Lobo?!

There he is! There's my sweet, sweet boy! Singing about shoving a gun up somebody's hoo-ha²!

• Lobo begins his adventure by parking his space hawg in a No Parking zone at a space dive bar. An alien parking attendant³ points out that Lobo's breaking a rule. Lobo points out that the guy should go get medical help before he dies after he rips his arm off.

• Often, Lobo avoids killing people if he's not being paid to kill them. Not because he's "honorable" but because he doesn't like providing free labor. But ripping off some guy's arm isn't killing them. Just ask Batman! If the guy doesn't seek adequate medical attention before he bleeds out, that isn't Lobo or Batman's fault, is it?! It's the carelessness of the person who carelessly lost their arm without taken precautions against dying from severe blood loss.

• Also the guy called Lobo "a rejected wannabe Kiss member" and if there's a better reason for ripping off an arm than that, I can't think of one. Unless it's telling somebody they're a Bon Jovi fan. But that should result in the loss of two arms so technically I was right in my first sentence where I said "a better reason for ripping off AN arm."

Ha ha! Lobo's so funny and clever and hot and sexy and, um, good thing this issue came with these extra underpants!

• I'm only on page three and I've already had to use the free underpants. I'd better got get some more before I continue.

• While having a drink at the bar before he murders whomever he's been hired to murder, Lobo accidentally learns a little something about himself.

So is Lobo "Murder Mouth"? Are they watching a bootleg movie about Lobo's Paramilitary Christmas Special?

• Judging by the film, Murder Mouth is more Wolverine than Lobo. But also, is there really much difference? Except that Wolverine isn't hot and sexy or funny or charming or tall or interesting in any way at all? And Fisty Claus is some kind of robot Steve Urkel with guns.

• And then I come to a part of the comic where, well . . . I don't want to say I cursed God and threw my comic book against the wall. I also don't want to say I went for a long walk in the rain while kicking rocks and sad Charlie Brown music played. I don't want to say any of that because I don't want anybody to know that that's what I did after Lobo called his readers, "mindless guppies". The readers who made Lobo the #1 all-time greatest comic book character to ever exist! The readers who couldn't get it up for regular sex anymore once they saw his physique and charming smile and his way with the sex workers without having to picture Lobo naked and aroused. The readers who spent most of their youth punching random nerds because it's what the 'Bo would do! I mean, I wasn't one of those readers! Oh, I also wasn't one of the ones who couldn't get a boner from regular sex either (unless you count "coming in your pants and then not having a boner anymore when the pants were off and it was time to actually do it" We're not counting that, right? Whew!).

• I don't know why Skottie Young would put those words in the Main Man's mouth and try to hurt his fans. Especially the "me" part Lobo's fans! But then a purple pig-faced orc says what all the awesome, cool, smart, sexy Lobo fans were already thinking which is why they didn't curse God or go for a sad walk or search "how to make a noose" on YouTube.

That's right, Grimlak the Pustulent! Exactly what I was going to say!

• When Lobo calls his readers the '80s F-word (that's not a literal reading of what he said; it's a postmodern critique!), he's reacting to the bartender's definition of an anti-hero which is "a villain that kills and frags and various other nefarious stuff, but they make jokes while they're doing it. Then they shoehorn in some kinda honorable reason for why they're doing said nefarious stuff." And that right there rules out Lobo anyway! Because he never gets a reason shoehorned in for doing his nefarious stuff! That definition of anti-hero should have been saved for Deathstork #1⁴. That ladyfingers always needs an honorable reason for murdering and pedophiling! But not Lobo! Unless you call "fixing a typo" honorable?

• As Lobo beats up all the mindless guppies who liked Rorschach for all the wrong, dumb reasons and not all the smart, postmodern reasons, he tells his secret origin story. From the first mini-series to The New 52 and beyond. I guess that's part of the whole "All-in" thing? Everything that happened, happened? No more Post Zero Hour Continuity? No more Rebirth? No more Superboy punch? No more Doctor Manhattan, um, doing, um, what was he doing again?

Oh, come on, you metro twat! Explain yourself!

• I still like to believe that New 52 Twat Lobo was just one of Lobo's drops of blood that fell into a vat of mineral water as it sprouted into a clone. That's a pop culture reference to Heathers because I'm a mindless guppy!

• Lobo also describes a brief love affair that's pretty much the one part of his story I didn't read because even though I was going to read DC's Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, I wound up not doing it. Probably because Debbie kicked me in the balls and made me admit that I wanted to be pegged when I went in to buy it.

He's just like me! I also get a crush on every woman I see in their underwear!

• The guy Lobo tells his life story to winds up being his bounty. But before he can say something witty and pop cultury like "Smell ya later!", his dawg barges in and interrupts his bounty hunting.

So what I'm hearing, Lobo, is that I can hire you to kill everybody who ever said that Boondock Saints was their favorite movie? For free?!

• I wonder how many times Jason Momoa, while in his Lobo make-up on the set of Supergirl, did the Pennywise dance?

• Now's the part where we find out why Lobo has a new series! What's changed in his life that's made it so he can have monthly adventures full of over-the-top violence and pop culture references? Full of space dolphins and space hawgs and space clown make-up? I hope he doesn't get roped into doing honorable things like that part of his life he forgot to mention where he was forced to do goody-two-shoes shit for Vril Dox. I guess if I were beaten in a one-on-one physical contest against Space Bill Gates, I wouldn't tell people about it either. Just like how I never told anybody about that time I went camping with my friend Soy Rakelson and woke up with Vaseline on my ass.

• Lobo makes a reference to Guardians of the Galaxy and I almost missed it because Lobo mentioned trash pandas and I — against every fiber of my being, every particle of my non-existent soul — squeeeeed.

• Just try to remember how most of what I say happened to me is a lie so that you won't embarrass yourself when you spread the gossip that I squeeeeed like I grew up on tumblr or cried every afternoon in college while watching Sailor Moon or, one or more times, masturbated into a sink. I say those things for comic effect! If you believe I was sobbing when I first heard "Rainy Day Man", you're certifiable! I'm super cool and tough and macho in real life. But that doesn't make for interesting or entertaining reading! It only makes for banging loads and loads of hot ladies! So if you need to spread rumors about me, spread that one! How I banged loads of hot ladies!

• Lobo goes after the bounty he's owed for the kill he didn't commit and learns that he's now an employee of HBO MAX.

• Why does it smell so bad behind my left ear but not my right ear? Do spiders shit behind people's ears? Can ears fart? Did I accidentally fling some shit up behind my ear while wiping my ass earlier?

• Whoops! Wrong window. I'd better close my journal and write in it later so that doesn't happen again. I'm just glad I wasn't talking about how wide my urethra is! Now that would have been embarrassing!

• As Lobo's finding out that Space HBO MAX wants him to star in an anti-hero reality show, he decides to have a double splash page where he pretends his hook on a chain is his dick and he's fucking the guys he's about to kill.

Simon Bisley would have hid like fifteen dicks in this art. I only count three in Jorge's.

• After Lobo kills all the security guards, the president of Space HBO MAX⁵ offers Lobo a deal to star in the biggest bounty hunting reality show since that one where that guy did bounty hunting but which I never saw. His name was Mongoose or Polar Bear or something.

• Wait. It was Dog? Just plain old Dog? Was it at least spelled cool? Or did he need it to read as "god" backwards? You know what? Never mind. I don't care. I've avoided knowing about that guy for five decades. I'll be fine never knowing about him at all.

The Ranking!
Best comic of 2026? Sure! By a mile! By five miles! By however many miles your weensy brain can imagine! Twelve, probably. If a better comic than this has been published in 2026, I'd probably have heard about it. I mean I've had heard about it and not told you to go fuck yourself because Lobo #1 was better. And since that didn't happen, quid pro ipso facto, this is the best comic book of 2026! Suck it!


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¹ I wouldn't want to embarrass Debbie or Excalibur Comics, would I?
² Okay, maybe I'm misinterpreting the term "jammie" here. He's probably just talking about loading a gun and not doing the most misogynist thing he can think of immediately on the first page of his new series.
³ Or some other kind of hall monitor nerd. Maybe he just loves rules and hates seeing cool people break them. Loser.
⁴ Which I'll be reviewing next!
⁵ As big a douche as the president of Earth HBO MAX.