Goddamn that Lobo logo makes me so happy.
Lobo #2 (April 2026)
By Skottie Young, Jorge Corona, Jean-Francois Beaulieu, and Nate Piekos
Cover by Jorge Corona and Jean-Francois Beaulieu
Edited by James Reid and Kathleen Wisneski. And I guess Paul Kaminski, too
I cannot believe that The New 52 decided to toss this logo into the trash in favor of that fucking nothing logo they used for "I paint French Girls" Lobo. Whoever was in charge of the redesign was all, "Our new Lobo is too much of a pansy ass cufflink wearer to ride a hog so his logo shouldn't look anything like a motorcycle at all. It should just be regular letters but with some spikes coming out of the letters! And the letters should get smaller as they approach the edge of the page to simulate that a child with no sense of space and perspective were drawing it because then readers will be prepared when they read the comic book and think, 'Did a fucking baby write this shit?!'" After seeing this logo, I needed to refresh myself with the awful experience of reading Twat Lobo #1, mostly so I could really appreciate having Lobo back in his proper form. While doing so, I noticed a comment on my review of Twat Lobo #1 that I hadn't responded to. It went a little something like this:
"This Lobo is more like how he was in Omega Men and Justice League International, back when he was a scary villain rather than the crap joke Simon Bisley made him out to be. I eat my own poo and find it delicious! P.S. This anonymous comment is not Cullen Bunn at all!"
An interesting take calling New 52 Lobo a "scary villain" when he was waifier than a Victorian girl with dysentery and had less testosterone. In the first issue of his series, he either shit or pissed his bed after having a nightmare. And yet I've never heard anybody complain about how Cullen Bunn made Lobo shit himself from a scary dream! How is that when I still, to this day, hear people moan about Kevin Smith saying a teeny tiny amount of pee dribbled out of Batman's peener after he stood too close to an explosion¹! You know another thing nobody talks about? Aquaman's priapism during Cullen Bunn's run of that loser! How does an artist not consciously incorporate a raging boner into a character's new look? It had to have been on purpose, right?! At least I already hated Aquaman when Cullen Bunn began writing him so that I wasn't disappointed at all. I was just all, "Hmm. This isn't Aquaman. Seems more like Cullen Bunn pulled an old John Carter of Mars script out of a drawer and replaced 'John Carter' with 'Aquaman'."
But enough about Cullen Bunn! Unless you want to see how much he hated me. Do you want to see how much he hated me? It makes me sad to think about it because I was having so much fun writing stupidly angry comic book reviews and he was all, "This hurts my feelings!" I probably owe him a beer or something. Maybe a Snickers.
By Skottie Young, Jorge Corona, Jean-Francois Beaulieu, and Nate Piekos
Cover by Jorge Corona and Jean-Francois Beaulieu
Edited by James Reid and Kathleen Wisneski. And I guess Paul Kaminski, too
I cannot believe that The New 52 decided to toss this logo into the trash in favor of that fucking nothing logo they used for "I paint French Girls" Lobo. Whoever was in charge of the redesign was all, "Our new Lobo is too much of a pansy ass cufflink wearer to ride a hog so his logo shouldn't look anything like a motorcycle at all. It should just be regular letters but with some spikes coming out of the letters! And the letters should get smaller as they approach the edge of the page to simulate that a child with no sense of space and perspective were drawing it because then readers will be prepared when they read the comic book and think, 'Did a fucking baby write this shit?!'" After seeing this logo, I needed to refresh myself with the awful experience of reading Twat Lobo #1, mostly so I could really appreciate having Lobo back in his proper form. While doing so, I noticed a comment on my review of Twat Lobo #1 that I hadn't responded to. It went a little something like this:
"This Lobo is more like how he was in Omega Men and Justice League International, back when he was a scary villain rather than the crap joke Simon Bisley made him out to be. I eat my own poo and find it delicious! P.S. This anonymous comment is not Cullen Bunn at all!"
An interesting take calling New 52 Lobo a "scary villain" when he was waifier than a Victorian girl with dysentery and had less testosterone. In the first issue of his series, he either shit or pissed his bed after having a nightmare. And yet I've never heard anybody complain about how Cullen Bunn made Lobo shit himself from a scary dream! How is that when I still, to this day, hear people moan about Kevin Smith saying a teeny tiny amount of pee dribbled out of Batman's peener after he stood too close to an explosion¹! You know another thing nobody talks about? Aquaman's priapism during Cullen Bunn's run of that loser! How does an artist not consciously incorporate a raging boner into a character's new look? It had to have been on purpose, right?! At least I already hated Aquaman when Cullen Bunn began writing him so that I wasn't disappointed at all. I was just all, "Hmm. This isn't Aquaman. Seems more like Cullen Bunn pulled an old John Carter of Mars script out of a drawer and replaced 'John Carter' with 'Aquaman'."
But enough about Cullen Bunn! Unless you want to see how much he hated me. Do you want to see how much he hated me? It makes me sad to think about it because I was having so much fun writing stupidly angry comic book reviews and he was all, "This hurts my feelings!" I probably owe him a beer or something. Maybe a Snickers.
Is that a still from Boondock Saints? Because it would make sense that Cullen Bunn would like the shittiest movie ever made!
I don't know who asked that question on Bunn's tumblr because I maintained a policy to never interfere with artists and writers online while doing my reviews, especially if I disliked their stuff. Sure, I'd talk with various writers who would reach out to me with comments, like Gail Simone and Sterling Gates. Or if they were generally disturbed by something I wrote and I noticed, I would sometimes reach out and apologize, like when Marcus To found a post where I savaged a cover he drew. But I pointed out to him that, at the end of the review, I was all, "I generally really loved this art! There's obviously something seriously wrong with me!"
This issue begins with Lobo getting his hair did for his new bounty hunter reality series for Space HBO.
This issue begins with Lobo getting his hair did for his new bounty hunter reality series for Space HBO.
Is this how haircuts work? I haven't had one in six years and I've forgotten.
On one hand, I think they missed a trick by not having one of Lobo's hairstyles be the Twat Lobo style. But on the other, much better hand, I'm glad they didn't remind me a second time of Twat Lobo, especially since I've already made myself sick to my stomach by re-reading some of my old reviews of that series. Can you get cancer from reading about terrible comic book characters? I'm so scared.
Lobo really seems to like the pompadour upsweep thing in the fifth panel but judging by the back of his head on the cover, he's going to get the "Dragonball Z".
Glancing at the cover again to take in some more of that Lobo ass-crack, I noticed that the title on the television screen (that I'm assuming, possibly incorrectly, is the name of the reality show) ends in a period. That's so uncommon that I can't think of one television show that ends in a period that wasn't an acronym like S.W.A.T. or Trapper John, M.D.. Exclamation points like in Just Shoot Me! and question marks as in Wiseguy? are just fine. But a period?! Come on!
On the second page, getting right into the thick of things as Lobo makes his first appearance in costume with "All New Lobo" in the background (possibly the actual name of his show and "The Last Czarnian." was a 60 Minutes story? Did those use periods?!).
Lobo really seems to like the pompadour upsweep thing in the fifth panel but judging by the back of his head on the cover, he's going to get the "Dragonball Z".
Glancing at the cover again to take in some more of that Lobo ass-crack, I noticed that the title on the television screen (that I'm assuming, possibly incorrectly, is the name of the reality show) ends in a period. That's so uncommon that I can't think of one television show that ends in a period that wasn't an acronym like S.W.A.T. or Trapper John, M.D.. Exclamation points like in Just Shoot Me! and question marks as in Wiseguy? are just fine. But a period?! Come on!
On the second page, getting right into the thick of things as Lobo makes his first appearance in costume with "All New Lobo" in the background (possibly the actual name of his show and "The Last Czarnian." was a 60 Minutes story? Did those use periods?!).
Just like a television producer to remove everything great about a concept to put their own shit spin on it.
Lobo would rather wear his leather, jeans, and chains but a focus group suggested a superhero costume might work better. I don't understand why focus groups exist. I've come to the conclusion that anybody who would be willing to take part in a focus group doesn't know shit about anything. I guess the entire point is to get enough random opinions so that everything becomes sanitized and shoved into some median opinion that doesn't actually exist. If a few people say they love to see people die on camera, and a few people say they hate to see people die on camera, do you decide to just cripple people on camera which is something nobody said they liked? I think maybe I just don't understand focus groups. The only focus groups I've ever seen were either fictional like in Silicon Valley (was that one? I don't know!) or fucked up like in Impractical Jokers (again, are those focus groups?).²
A lot going on in the first panel of Lobo's new reality gig!
First, Slixton Blind is probably some kind of joke about the names of British towns. Or a sex joke I'm missing because, well, you know what? Never mind why I don't get sex. I mean sex jokes! Second, "brutanium" is meant to invoke the stupidity of adamantium or inertron or unbreakablygen. Third, how can a galaxy be "southeastern"? Fourth, the Main Man makes a timely '80s "I ain't gay, bro" joke. Fifth, Dawg has ripped his cape to shreds like any good animal put in stupid fucking clothes. Sixth, "Space Crime Alley" is a shot at Batman and his dead parents. Seventh, the glory hole³ has a tongue. Eighth, on this planet, gum is adult oriented. Ninth, I think that's Orko in the lower left corner. Tenth and final comment, I don't know if the purple mohawked kid with the katana on their back is a reference to something because I haven't consumed all pop culture there is to consume.
We discover, in the next panel, that Lobo's quarry's name is Brummer Jip which I'm sure is at least three slurs in one name: Gyp, Jap, and Bummer (as in a man who has butt sex with another man). Maybe "Brummer" is also a slur for somebody from Birmingham. One thing I do know: it was all intentional! Fucking Skottie Young! You naughty boy!
The president of Space HBO soon learns that Lobo ain't too good at following scripts and directions. So he blows the factory to shit when he's supposed to knock and declare his bounty hunter intentions. So they retake the shot after Lobo picks up the door from the rubble and knocks on it. But then he adds too many violent threats to the warrant and they have to take the shot again⁴. On the next take, he uses the name of the wrong advertiser so he's forced to go again. But one thing everybody knows about Lobo aside from how thick his luscious cock⁵ is is his lack of patience.
We discover, in the next panel, that Lobo's quarry's name is Brummer Jip which I'm sure is at least three slurs in one name: Gyp, Jap, and Bummer (as in a man who has butt sex with another man). Maybe "Brummer" is also a slur for somebody from Birmingham. One thing I do know: it was all intentional! Fucking Skottie Young! You naughty boy!
The president of Space HBO soon learns that Lobo ain't too good at following scripts and directions. So he blows the factory to shit when he's supposed to knock and declare his bounty hunter intentions. So they retake the shot after Lobo picks up the door from the rubble and knocks on it. But then he adds too many violent threats to the warrant and they have to take the shot again⁴. On the next take, he uses the name of the wrong advertiser so he's forced to go again. But one thing everybody knows about Lobo aside from how thick his luscious cock⁵ is is his lack of patience.
With an offensive name like Brummer Jip, I'm glad they're dead!
On Lobo's second bounty, we learn that Space HBO doesn't have an actual limit in the number of times a character can say "frag" or "fucker" or "cocksucker" or "glory hole". The studio just wants to limit Lobo's use of the word because he's supposed to be an "antihero" and not just a villainous swearmonger like he was in Omega Men or Justice League International.
It seems like Lobo's show is going out live but the director keeps yelling "Cut!" when Lobo does something he doesn't like. Maybe that's all part of the fun of the show! It's the reality of making a reality television show. It gets so graphic that even Atrocitus vomits blood⁶ while watching it.
A few more focus groups later and Space HBO has determined that what the audience really wants (more so than Lobo shoving blenders up bounties' assholes) is for Lobo the anti-hero to go after an actual hero!
It seems like Lobo's show is going out live but the director keeps yelling "Cut!" when Lobo does something he doesn't like. Maybe that's all part of the fun of the show! It's the reality of making a reality television show. It gets so graphic that even Atrocitus vomits blood⁶ while watching it.
A few more focus groups later and Space HBO has determined that what the audience really wants (more so than Lobo shoving blenders up bounties' assholes) is for Lobo the anti-hero to go after an actual hero!
Oh shit. He's going after me!⁷
No, no. He's going after Aquaman. Specifically, Cullen Bunn's John Carter of Mars Aquaman. You can tell because Lobo acts as confused as I was reading Bunn's Aquaman. You could tell I was confused because I kept saying things like, "What's this funky fish sunnofova carp doing all the way out in space?"
Um, it's also possible, being that I haven't been reading DC Comics in many years, that Aquaman now lives in space. Why? Who the fuck knows why? I still don't know why Bunn thought he'd be good out there!
Aquaman laughs in Lobo's face when he realizes Lobo's the star of a new Space HBO show called The Main Man. I'm beginning to get the feeling that Skottie Young got the okay from corporate to kill Aquaman. Or at least to have one of his hands⁸ cut off again. No way he's going to get away with laughing at The Main Man in his own comic book!
Luckily for Aquaman, Lobo's show gets cancelled mid-fight. Sure, I know Lobo's chest had been pierced by Aquaman's trident and Lobo was missing a leg. But that's all foreplay for Lobo! Aquaman was just several seconds away from being in a position where he could give himself a rimjob.
Back at Space HBO studios, Lobo learns a lesson about studios and their execs and how they'd seemingly rather fail than succeed because, somehow, it makes them more money. He throws the guy out the window, threatens the rest of the studio if they don't pay him what they promised, and walks out of the studio naked. I'd scan naked Lobo but, in all earnestness, I just don't want anybody else to drool over him. Go buy your own copy if you want to flick your Bic over my Main Man.
The Ranking!
Is this the best comic book to hit shelves in nearly thirty years? Um, yes? Duh!
__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Or something. Fuck if I know what happened. Do you think I read whatever comic book that was in?!
² The Merriam-Webster definition of focus group: "a small group of people whose response to something (such as a new product or a politician's image) is studied to determine the response that can be expected from a larger population." How do people still buy into this shit? Why can't people be content for things to fail or succeed in the rigors of actual life? We hardly ever get anything surprising thanks to these Goddamned focus groups!
³ The term "glory hole" will get this review put behind a warning label on Blogger until I can request a human to review it. Then they'll hesitantly take a look at it knowing the phrase "glory hole" was used, click over, breathe a sigh of relief, and reply to me, "Okay, nerd, this is cool. I guess."
⁴ Also he says "Frag" too many times. I guess "frag" is space swearing and Space HBO isn't quite like Earth HBO. Unless, since this is the reality TV division, this guy is head of Space Discovery.
⁵ The focus group is suggesting I don't reference Lobo's cock, especially with the earlier use of "glory hole". I had to fire them. Into the sun.
⁶ I think that means he loves the graphic violence because doesn't he love to vomit blood on stuff?
⁷ Me! Grunion Guy! Beloved funky-shit-filled-ass hero! Son of a tuna! Sometimes in spa. . . oh wait. He said "son of a carp". Whew. I'm going to be okay!
⁸ On my first run at this thought, I typed "nads" instead of "hands".
Um, it's also possible, being that I haven't been reading DC Comics in many years, that Aquaman now lives in space. Why? Who the fuck knows why? I still don't know why Bunn thought he'd be good out there!
Aquaman laughs in Lobo's face when he realizes Lobo's the star of a new Space HBO show called The Main Man. I'm beginning to get the feeling that Skottie Young got the okay from corporate to kill Aquaman. Or at least to have one of his hands⁸ cut off again. No way he's going to get away with laughing at The Main Man in his own comic book!
Luckily for Aquaman, Lobo's show gets cancelled mid-fight. Sure, I know Lobo's chest had been pierced by Aquaman's trident and Lobo was missing a leg. But that's all foreplay for Lobo! Aquaman was just several seconds away from being in a position where he could give himself a rimjob.
Back at Space HBO studios, Lobo learns a lesson about studios and their execs and how they'd seemingly rather fail than succeed because, somehow, it makes them more money. He throws the guy out the window, threatens the rest of the studio if they don't pay him what they promised, and walks out of the studio naked. I'd scan naked Lobo but, in all earnestness, I just don't want anybody else to drool over him. Go buy your own copy if you want to flick your Bic over my Main Man.
The Ranking!
Is this the best comic book to hit shelves in nearly thirty years? Um, yes? Duh!
__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Or something. Fuck if I know what happened. Do you think I read whatever comic book that was in?!
² The Merriam-Webster definition of focus group: "a small group of people whose response to something (such as a new product or a politician's image) is studied to determine the response that can be expected from a larger population." How do people still buy into this shit? Why can't people be content for things to fail or succeed in the rigors of actual life? We hardly ever get anything surprising thanks to these Goddamned focus groups!
³ The term "glory hole" will get this review put behind a warning label on Blogger until I can request a human to review it. Then they'll hesitantly take a look at it knowing the phrase "glory hole" was used, click over, breathe a sigh of relief, and reply to me, "Okay, nerd, this is cool. I guess."
⁴ Also he says "Frag" too many times. I guess "frag" is space swearing and Space HBO isn't quite like Earth HBO. Unless, since this is the reality TV division, this guy is head of Space Discovery.
⁵ The focus group is suggesting I don't reference Lobo's cock, especially with the earlier use of "glory hole". I had to fire them. Into the sun.
⁶ I think that means he loves the graphic violence because doesn't he love to vomit blood on stuff?
⁷ Me! Grunion Guy! Beloved funky-shit-filled-ass hero! Son of a tuna! Sometimes in spa. . . oh wait. He said "son of a carp". Whew. I'm going to be okay!
⁸ On my first run at this thought, I typed "nads" instead of "hands".
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