Justice League Europe #2 (1989)

look elongated man has the bends har har

Metamorpho can turn into any element in the world so he chooses to make his fist into a hammer. I don't know. Maybe stick your dick in The Flash's mouth and turn it into a 40/60 Oxygen/Nitrogen mix? This has the added benefit of . . . well, I think you can guess the added benefit.

The issue begins with a silver-haired man overlooking a funeral in a cemetery (with the Eiffel Tower in the background, of course, because I wouldn't want to lose my bet about establishing shots of Paris in this comic book always including the metal erection. Ooh la la). It might be Captain Atom but maybe it's also possibly The Phantom Stranger! No, don't get too excited, Tess (yes, I'm back to pretending my name is Tess). This is only the second issue. Too many minds would be blown if The Phantom Stranger suddenly became integral to the plot. Not mine though. I would just clamp down on my pipe, scrunch up my eyebrows, take a few puffs, and say (out of the side of my mouth), "Tut tut. I see. This comic book is going to get existential." Unless it's going to get spiritual and then I'd say that.

This issue is called, "Somebody Up There Hates Us!" Oh, so maybe it is The Phantom Stranger! He's like God's debt collector. No wait. That's The Spectre. I have no fucking clue what The Phantom Stranger does. I believe it has something to do with never lifting a finger to help anybody at all.

Aside from Catherine's hair, nothing about this comic book page indicates it's from 1989. Everything about it looks so old school. I mean super duper old school. I forget the actual date is 2022.

Because the man who died in the Embassy's foyer was a Nazi, Captain Atom decides to investigate known Nazi organizations, especially those tied to meta-humans. Sue Dibny, showing off her computer skills, gets to work while Ralph's body sits far enough away that he can do his favorite thing: stretch his neck to twenty feet long and make me sick.

You might think Nazis in Santa Cruz sounds weird but, having been a Silicon Valley boy who would spend his summers at the beach, I guarantee you they had a lot of fascist surfers covering their town in fascist graffiti like "Locals Only!" and "Valleys Go Home!" Jerkos!

Sue eye fucks Captain Atom while she gags like everybody else at Ralph's nose twitching. It seems I was a little harsh on her in my last review when I expressed joy in her upcoming death because she loved the nose twitching. But she's just as grossed out by her husband as everybody else. Besides, Captain Atom is practically naked and standing right next to her all smooth and musky and dickless. The dickless part isn't something that would appeal to Sue so I should have left it out. My assumption is that in the actual Justice League Europe universe where they've never heard of the Comics Code Authority, you can see the outline of Captain Atom's dick through the leotard.

If I was trying to remind my wife that I was the one she loved fucking, I wouldn't do it while my neck was twenty feet long so she remembers that my body induces nausea.

My theory is that Sue Dibny was dying of vaginal cancer after fucking Captain Atom constantly during this gig and so she arranged her own murder so Ralph would never find out.

Animal Man and Captain Atom investigate the Nazi camp in Santa Cruz to discover it's been destroyed by some guy named The Wild Huntsman. He's anti-Nazi but he still battles Animal Man and Captain Atom because nobody takes a moment to ask, "Hey, are you antifa too?" I can't wait to read the letters about this issue. "Dear DC Comics, I am chagrined that you have chosen to portray all white people as Nazis. Shame on you for partaking in this kind of political nonsense. You should try to avoid politics or else you will lose half of your readers. The white half. Thank you. Brad Smith of Salinas, Kansas."

Captain Atom blasts The Wild Huntsman who goes down for good. So for good that Animal Man determines the man is in a coma. It looks like he's as mind-controlled as the rest of his Global Guardian buddies. Although if they're being mind-controlled to defeat Nazis, it can't be a bad thing, right? I guess the point is to make it seem like Justice League Europe are defending Nazis and Nazi groups by beating up the Global Guardians who were destroying them.

Whose idea was it to begin this entire series of a Justice League in Europe having to battle Nazis?! I'm yawning pretty hard over here.

Next it's a Power Girl and Rocket Red team-up! They head over to Frankfurt, Germany to question some Nazis where they find the Neo-Nazi headquarters already on fire. Whoever did it is a hero but Rocket Red is all, "I hope nobody is burning alive." Power Girl calls him a fucking Nazi sympathizer and he has to explain World War II history to her, being that she's an American. The only thing Americans know about World War II is that the Japanese sneak attacked us like sneaky motherfuckers and the Americans defeated Germany single-handedly.

I don't mean to sound racist and stereotypical but look at this motherfucking sneak attack!

I'm American so if I'm only slightly sounding racist and stereotypical, I'm doing pretty good!

Oh, maybe you didn't notice I was stereotyping because you had no way of knowing that the person attacking Power Girl and Rocket Red was Rising Sun of the Global Guardians. As everybody but Americans would know by his name, he's Japanese. I'm not usually this self-hating as an American but you wouldn't understand unless you had to live among all these stupid fucking assholes who don't fucking care about kids getting shot up in school. Every gun owner is complicit in every death. It's like if there were suddenly a rash of people entering schools and cutting off kids' heads with comic books and I refused to stop reading comic books. I'd be complicit because I'd care more about my stupid hobby than the lives of kids. Maybe that's not a fair comparison because my life would be so much better if I stopped reading comic books. I'm just looking for an excuse!

Rising Sun's power is to glow really bright and blow up. Is that irony? Is his power darkly ironic?! Anyway, he's brainwashed too and believes the Justice League are modern day Nazis. I'm pretty sure they aren't but we're only two issues in so I'm not going to jump to any conclusions.

Fast is right. According to The New 52's Worlds' Finest, Power Girl loves to stick her finger up the asses of her dates.


See?

Seeing these scans of comic books thirty years apart makes me think comics are worth five to six times more today.

Ha ha no not really.

Power Girl nearly takes Rising Sun's head off. She claims she "pulled her punch" but how much would she know to pull her punch? She and Rocket Red knew nothing about this guy. She could have beheaded him! Although we, the readers, know he was mind controlled and now he's basically in a coma like The Wild Huntsman.

Metamorpho, Elongated Man, and The Flash head to Dover, England, to look into a Neo-Nazi group. This superhero team up gets three members because two are basically redundant. Yes, I know "elongation" powers are way different than "can transform into any element" power but Metamorpho mostly just uses his power like he's a stretchy shapechanger.

Ralph could pass as normal if he didn't insist on keeping his neck three to twenty feet longer than normal.

Metamorpho was killed at the end of The Outsiders comic book when Doctor Jace turned out to be a Manhunter. But he's back because a meta(l)-gene bomb blew up in Invasion! recently and somehow brought him back. But he doesn't remember anything from the previous five years of his life. This being a comic book, that could mean he doesn't remember anywhere from 2 to 25 years of continuity.

Wally and Ralph go off to get snacks while Metamorpho hangs about to be attacked by a Savage Dragon look-a-like named Tuatara. I mean, Savage Dragon obviously stole his look because Image didn't exist yet. Tuatara knocks everybody overboard because it was on the cover. And then things get weird and disturbing.

What element naturally takes the shape of a giant penis and scrotum?

Metamorpho hardly cares about his elemental power at all. He just uses it as an excuse to become huge swimming dicks and flapping vaginas (I didn't scan the panel where he engulfs Tuatara in a huge labia trap).

Tuatara eventually falls unconscious like the other Guardians. Apparently the brainwashing to make them see every hero as a Nazi takes a heavy toll on them. On the way to shore, Ralph begins twitching his nose and everybody tells him to stop before they throw up on everything.

Man, I'm really sorry I got on your case, Sue. You're obviously super intelligent and don't love your husband at all.

The issue ends with Jack o' Lantern and Owl Woman discussing how they (along with their "queen" who I'm assuming is Queen Bee of Bialya doing all the mind control) and the Dome are back in business. Bad business!

Letters this issue are from Jack Cyclone of Albuquerque, New Mexico; Casey Gallagher of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Don Lambert Junior of Mechanicsville, Iowa; Marco Gonzales Ambriz of Old Mexico; T.A.P. of Burnaby, British Columbia; Tim Dunnahoo of Temple, Texas; John Egnew of Champaign, Illinois; and Mike Norris of Milpitas, California. Nobody mentions the Letterer. Or any of the other artists, really. All the letters this month are people writing in to say why they disagree or agree with the roster of Justice League Europe. All these letter writers must have creamed their jeans when the Internet became mainstream so they could spew all of their boring opinions straight out into the ether for free!

Don't you dare say I resemble that remark, you jerks!

Justice League Europe #2 Rating: C. I would have given this issue a better grade if The Elongated Man had refrained from stretching his disgusting neck. But since he did it right on the cover, I already knew this issue was going to be a huge loser. I wish he'd drowned.

Justice League America #26 (1989)

This issue has a hidden naughty word on it!

It would be easier to find the hidden word if this issue were called "Duck Hunt" but it's not. Here's a hint: the naughty word is a synonym of "barn owl."

Imagine if, in 1989, The Huntress had shot Batman in the face with a crossbow bolt. That shit would have sold more issues than when Superman couldn't even win a fist fight. I would have purchased multiple copies and wallpapered my room with that disastrous panel (except the one section of wall where my Poison poster hung).

I wonder why The Huntress was about to shoot Batman in the face in this scene. What was Batman doing to Blue Beetle passed out in trash? Do you think Batman is a sleep creeper? The correct answer to that question is "Obviously." You don't live in the same mansion as Dick Grayson and not caress that sweet butt at least once while pretending to tuck him in.

For the youngsters out there, that weird gray rectangle near Batman's foot is something called an "audio cassette." It was the MP3 of the late 70s and the early 80s. Maybe even later because CDs could never be trusted if you needed music while walking or running or biking.

This issue is called "Slice and Dice! or 'There's something very wrong with Blue Beetle!'" I don't know where the convention of naming a story like this comes from. Like at the end of The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, the narrator would be all, "Be here next week for Slice and Dice! or 'There's Something Very Wrong With The Blue Beetle!'" Except, in that case, both titles would be some dumb pun about how the current episode ended. I'd come up with some examples but I'm terrible at puns.

Currently, Guy Gardner is reading porn and yelling at the phone. No wonder Ice is going to fall hard for him. What a man!

Blue Beetle winds up picking up the phone because Guy Gardner was too manly to answer it. When he does, he winds up in some kind of post-hypnotic trance, leading him to stab Oberon and trying to kill Max Lord. Hmm, no wonder Max Lord eventually shoots him in the face.

See? This is why I like Guy! Instead of constantly harassing the women in the League the way Beetle and The Flash do, he simply compliments them on their attractive bums. Like a gentleman!

Before Guy Gardner can chase after Blue Beetle to figure out why he stabbed Oberon and what he may have done to Max, Fire explodes into green flames. It's not shown on panel but I know what's going on! My memory might be terrible but you don't forget when a superhero goes from wearing practically nothing to wearing absolutely nothing.

Turns out, Beetle stabbed Max as well. But Max went running out into the public because nobody would ever do anything crazy in public, right? There are witnesses in public! Witnesses who will witness your shame. It's the main reason I don't go out in public and I'm not even violent. I'm just very ashamed.

I bet Blue Beetle's final thought before he died was, "Hunh. This must be irony."

I've discussed this before but I bet mind control being an actual (and fairly common) thing in the DC Universe was just a boon to defense attorneys. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. Have you ever heard of . . . MIND CONTROL!" Acquitted!

The Huntress arrives because she's on the cover. She decides to try to save Max for some reason. I guess that's what makes her a hero. She'll risk her life to save people she doesn't even know whereas I'll risk my life to save maybe 30% of the people I know.

Max Lord passes out in an alley from loss of blood. Then The Huntress knocks out Blue Beetle before he can finish murdering Max. That means it's time for another hero to wander on the scene and jump to some inaccurate conclusions.

Oh good. It's Batman. He never jumps to inaccurate conclusions!

Do you like how I pretended to have forgotten about the cover? That's called acting!

Batman's outfit is way too high-waisted to be a man's outfit. I think he accidentally put on Batwoman's costume.

Batman begins wrestling with The Huntress because Catwoman isn't around. While they're engaged in frottage play, Blue Beetle regains consciousness and starts muttering about doing a murder for the Queen. So I guess he's been hypnotized by Queen Bee, current ruler of Bialya. I'm not sure how "hypnotizing a person over the phone" is a power a bee-themed villain would have. A bee has never convinced me to do anything except run around screaming.

This is Beetle's head and shoulder but, for a second, my penis thought it was The Huntress's butt.

Batman knocks out Blue Beetle (but softly so that he doesn't become a completely different person for thirteen issues) while Huntress pulls a Batman on Batman and disappears. Everybody winds up back at the Embassy (rather than the hospital where Batman might have to explain some things and Beetle might get in trouble with the law) to discover that Oberon is in the hospital and Fire has been calmed down. What happened to her, people who read this comic book back in 1989 were probably wondering like crazy. Although Guy Gardner paints a pretty sexy picture of what happened to her.

Oh yeah! Fire and Ice and a dump!

I wonder if I can commission Frank Cho to draw the image that's burned into my brain right now? Probably!

The letters this month were from Steven Robinson of Chicago, Illinois; Jim Kelly of Freeport, New York; Derek VanDeweighe of Ontonagon, Michigan; Robert Knuist of Mountain View, California; Eugene Hoyle of Middletown, New York; Jeffrey B. Sparkman of Tracy, California; Jody Hamby of Robbins, Tennessee; and Binky. Robert almost acknowledges Bob Lappan the Letterer when he lists everybody by name until he gets to Bob and just fizzles out with "the rest of the crew." Which, Robert, took longer to type than "Lappan" (as he was using only last names). What a jerk.

Justice League America #26 Rating: B-. Batman didn't recognize The Huntress so I suspect this was her first post-Crisis appearance (other than maybe her self-titled series). Is she going to become a member of the team?! Well, I mean, why else bring her into it? Oh yeah! To sell issues of her own series! Man, now I feel manipulated! I'm dropping the rating on this comic book! Or did I? You'll never know if I was too lazy to actually change the rating! I hope to see more of The Huntress, if only to get better shots of her butt and clear my head of the Beetle's head and shoulders "butt" that kind of turns me on every time I picture it.

Justice League Europe #1 (1989)

Sorry to be pedantic but it's not really déjà vu when you're holding the thing that's obviously the source of the thing you have an overwhelming feeling has happened before.

This team is going to be so fantastic! They've got all the super-hero stereotypes: the guy in armor, the funny guy who can change shape, the other funny guy who can change shape, the reluctant hero, the woman with the big tits, the other woman with the big tits, and the new guy who's still trying to shake the reputation of how boring the old guy was. Oh, and Captain Atom. I think he's the guy with the atomic stick up his butt. Guaranteed he will be making zero jokes.

I've also just noticed this team has two brunettes (or would that be a brunet and a brunette? Does anybody fucking care?), two blondes, two gingers, and two guys with silver heads. Also Power Girl's hair is scaring me. In a different way than her tits are scaring me.

I dare you to find an opening shot of Paris in a DC comic book that doesn't include the Eiffel Tower. I'll fucking buy that comic off you for fifty bucks if you find one.

Captain Atom has taken on the mantle of leader of the European division of the Justice League. To remind everybody that their headquarters is in Paris, Captain Atom thinks, "In Paris yet!", while looking at the Eiffel Tower through the window. I can already tell I'm going to be fucking sick of seeing the Eiffel Tower in this comic book. I know he's the leader and all (because he just told me) but I hope I don't have to look at Captain Atom too much while reading this comic book. He's so disturbing! He's just a mass of too much muscle with a small little testicular shaped bulge in front and a bare if silver ass. By the look of him, I'm fairly certain he's either naked or covered in a thin layer of plutonium. Which means he's lost his dick somewhere. I'm not saying I want to see him walking around with his cock hanging out like Doctor Manhattan but I do think it would be far less disturbing than not having one.

Captain Atom meets Catherine Cobert, the Paris Embassy Chief. That means she's the equivalent of either Max Lord or Oberon. She's French which means she's super sexy and horny. All Parisian women are constantly horny because no matter where they look, they see the giant metal erection that's a symbol of their city.

Ralph and Sue Dibny arrive and I'm sorry to see Captain Atom's disturbing crotch and muscular ass leave the page as I'm forced to watch Ralph Dibny's disgusting six foot long neck wrap about Sue like an outtake from a Hentai cartoon. Ralph is grossing me out so badly that I'm going to go read Identity Crisis right now just to make him super sad.

I'm surprised Power Girl and Wonder Woman didn't rip off more dicks back in the day.

My joke about Wonder Woman and Power Girl simply being the big tits on the team was satire attacking the way comic books often depict women as simply male fantasies so stop calling my a hypocrite! As you can see from the way The Flash is portrayed, I was spot on with my satiric critique. And while you might just want to get angry at everything you read without actually thinking about it, blaming the writer for not make their statement clear, maybe try not being such a lazy reader! Or such an angry reader! You don't have to be instantly angry at something! That's what those asshole Comicsgaters do! I know you're full of youthful passions but maybe, just maybe, you can rein those passions in a bit before flying off the handle at everybody, just in case. I know there's a lot of clout to exposing allies on the Internet! But that's why all y'all angry youths get it wrong so often. Because you've got to be the first to "deconstruct" some ally's beliefs, causing you to miss subtle and hilarious critiques of pop culture like when I said Wonder Woman was just a pair of big tits!

Anyway, my main point is leave me alone! If you think I said something terrible, just re-read it while thinking, "This isn't so terrible. It's actually the opposite of terrible!" See? Now you understand me!

Animal Man and Rocket Red get to know each other on the way to the Embassy. They're both family men with wives and kids. How come Ralph gets to bring Sue to stay in the Embassy but they don't get to bring their families? I mean, other than Dmitri's family is stuck in the USSR and Buddy's wife probably has a job back in California. Isn't she a photographer or something? Been way too long since I read my Animal Man comics.

I think I had a caption for this but my cat, Gravy, is sitting four inches from my face and staring at me and it's freaking me out a bit..

The first meeting of the Justice League Europe and notice anything weird about the group (other than Animal Man trying to stare down Power Girl's top)? That's right! None of them feel like they need to use their powers in the meeting except for that disgusting Ralph Dibny! Nobody wants to see a five foot long neck! It's fucking gross!

Am I the only one who has an issue with Ralph's neck constantly elongated? It might be the childhood trauma I suffered from this picture:

I used to slowly flip through an old hardcover copy we had of Carroll's book until the pages would flop to this page. It would freak me out and I'd close the book and drop it quickly. But sooner or later, I'd be compelled to pick it up and have another look.

Another thing I used to do as a kid that would scare the shit out of me but I felt compelled to engage in the behavior anyway: I would stand out in the family driveway after dark with a flashlight and shine the light into the starry sky. I assumed something somewhere out in space could see the light and might follow it back to its source. My arms would erupt in gooseflesh and I'd flick the flashlight off and run inside before I could be abducted. But eventually, I'd find myself out in the driveway again, shining the flashlight into the sky while nearly shitting myself.

The teleporters in the Paris Embassy aren't working and they wind up frying Animal Man's luggage. At least I hope it was his luggage and not his little girl on a surprise visit. I bet Morrison suggested that so he could have some really great drama in his Animal Man series but editorial was all, "Are you fucking crazy?! We can't kill his daughter! Maybe his wife?"

In no time, the League has a mystery: a man drops dead in their lobby while looking for their help.

Goddammit Ralph! Just fucking walk around to the other side of the body like everybody else, you fucking freak!

I need to remind myself not to eat before reading another issue of this because my stomach seriously can't take all of this long neck business.

Power Girl quickly becomes my favorite member when she speaks truth to power:

Sue Dibny deserves to die for finding this shit cute.

Look, I like Sue Dibny! But she is going to die and there's nothing I can do about that! So I'm trying to come to terms with her death by convincing myself that she deserved it! And if loving Ralph Dibny isn't a sin, then what is?!

Oh, that's right. Wally West's attitude toward women is definitely one.

Was Wally's "I'm going to try as hard as I can to get into Wonder Woman's leotard" attitude funny in 1989? I don't have any memory of it so I'm thinking it was probably just a mundane comment. Just part of the normal workplace dialogue which women had to suffer through every single day. And if a woman said, "Hey, I don't appreciate that shit, buddy?", they were labeled uptight or a snob or frigid or a bitch. Because, of course, the guy didn't think of himself as a creep so how could his comment have been creepy? It was just some light-hearted flirtatious banter, you know?! Lighten up!

One thing I have noticed is that both Wonder Woman and Power Girl seem to simply ignore his lewd come-ons. I'm sure they've learned that to speak out is to face the passive-aggressive wrath of male coworkers who, limiting the ability for self-reflection, simply label them a humorless woman.

I can't scan every panel after the one with The Flash hitting on Wonder Woman but I assure you that nobody tells The Flash he's being a fucking lech.

Meanwhile, a mysterious man in a trench coat stands outside the Embassy and pushes the button on a small device. The device is a rectangular piece of metal with one red button and an antenna. If he's not opening a garage door, he's up to something terrible.

Not long after the button is pushed, an angry French mob rushes the Embassy, screaming something about Nazi pigs. Maybe they heard The Flash's comments and, even in France, they were just too sexist.

Captain Atom's first reaction is to irradiate (or disintegrate!) the mob.

The head on the end of the thirty foot neck yells to its teammates to not hurt anybody because they're civilians. Metamorpho complains that they might hurt him instead of, you know, turning into some kind of harmless gas that would put them all to sleep. He must know how to do that, right?! He's the element man! You'd have to be an expert on elements to have that job. Unlike me who would panic and think, "I don't know! Does krypton put people to sleep?!" Then I'd probably turn into boron and bleach everybody's hair.

I just pointed out that I wouldn't know what I'm doing as The Element Man so don't bother sending me a message about how boron wouldn't do that! How the fuck would I know?!

Shit. I might have accidentally poisoned them all but at least I'd be trying to do something!

Metamorpho has the power to subdue them chemically or to change into a cage to keep them from hurting themselves or others. Instead, he just decides to take a nap on their heads. At least Ralph is subduing people even if he's making me sick with his fifty foot long neck.

I guess Wonder Woman lost her lasso because she needs to use something else she just found lying around the place.

Oh god. That's Ralph's dick, isn't it?

Some of you might be thinking, "Why would you think that's a dick?" To which I'd answer, "Never you fucking mind."

Eventually, the civilians simply top being mind-controlled and confusedly go back to wherever they came from. Probably a café or a brothel. What else is there in Paris?

Captain Atom learns that the man who died in their lobby croaking out his last word of "Braces!" was a Nazi. And the French hate Nazis! Which means they should love the Justice League because the Nazi died in their embassy! But instead, they hate the Justice League because the Nazi went to them for help? I don't know exactly how it all works but the point, I think, is that somebody is trying to make the Justice League uncomfortable in Paris! How rude!

If I knew what super-villains were known for being rude and inconvenient, I'd take a guess at who was responsible. Maybe Mr. Nobody and the Brotherhood of Dada?! No, that would make this series way too interesting.

This first issue has some letters from people who decided to respond simply to the announcement that this comic book was coming out. They are from Buddy Ingram of Trussville, Alabama; Bill Froberg of Easton, Pennsylvania; and Michael Pickens of Newark, Ohio. I'd be surprised if any of them praise the letterer since they haven't even read this first issue. Although I wished that they had. Froberg takes comic books way too seriously and is all, "If you don't listen to my suggestions, I will not read more than three of your comics." And then Pickens is all, "You will have to come to terms with the point I am making in my letter or else nobody will read your book." Christ, chill out, my dudes! You might think you have reasonable and rational arguments but just remember that the subject of those arguments are people who absolutely defy reality and are illogical arguments all in themselves!

Justice League Europe #1 Rating: B. Not a bad start although it felt a little bit like the introductory paragraph in a high school essay that always explains that the writer is about to write an essay and could easily be dropped without changing the essay in any way. This issue was lots of moving into the Embassy and members meeting for the first time and The Flash nearly taking his dick out of his pants (or maybe he did but it was just too quick for anybody to see?). Their first encounter with a villain happens to be exactly the thing I hate about superhero comic books: the villain is targeting the heroes themselves. Which means the heroes, so far, aren't needed! If the villains are targeting the heroes then the heroes don't exist to save the world. They simply exist to save themselves. That bothers me way more than Ralph Dibny's elongated neck (which fucking bothers me to hell and back).

Justice League International #20 (1988)

Hopefully Manga Khan's deal begins with "We've recovered one of your stolen goods and are returning it to you in good faith to open up future trade negotiations."

Mister Miracle has one super power: escaping. So he's either faking or he's as useless as Batman or Aquaman in space. Sure, he could have escaped Manga Khan but then he'd just be left floating in space.

This is a great comic book cover, by the way. In 1988, DC still had a problem with attribution for its covers but this one is signed "the guy." I'm guessing guest artist Ty Templeton went by "Ty the Guy" since the art on the cover matches the art on the inside pages. No wait! No need to guess at all! I just noticed, if you bend the cover so you can see the art that trickles onto the slim spine, there's a tiny "ty" in front of "the guy"! Anyway, my point was I love this cover. Full of personality and has that animation slash cartoon quality that I really love.

Small bit of trivia probably nobody cares about but me: this is the first of like 5000 comic books I've reviewed which has Ty Templeton as the artist. But I think he got his start at DC on Booster Gold which I re-read within the last couple of years. But it looks like I didn't review them? What the fuck is wrong with me?! Here's my mini-review from what I can remember: "Booster Gold is basically Inspector Gadget from the future and Skeets is his Penny. I think he battles advertising and corporations or something. Skeets is full of his semen (which probably explains 52)."

This issue is called "If It's Tuesday, This Must Be — APOKOLIPS!" Knowing Giffen and DeMatteis, that's probably a reference to pop culture that was already old by 1988. Consulting Lord Google, If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium was a movie from 1969. Granted, there was a TV Movie "sequel" from 1987, If It's Tuesday, It Still Must Be Belgium, which means older people in 1988 still had it in their collective memories. Not that Giffen and DeMatteis were "old" in 1988. But they were older than me! My guess is that next issue will be called, "If It's Tuesday, It Still Must Be — APOKOLIPS!" Ian McShane was in the 1969 movie so maybe I'll give it a watch to see how many people he calls a cunt in it.

The movie was "based on" (inspired by?) a New Yorker cartoon. Hollywood pitch men are fucking shameless. "Man, did you see that cartoon in The New Yorker last week? The one about traveling through Europe? That could be a movie, right? Maybe a Herbie the Love Bug film?!" The title song was written by Donovan and sung by J.P. Rags. It's actually pretty fucking fantastic. Especially the version by Bojoura.

How did we ever understand people from other generations in a world without the Internet?! Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis were only about 20 years older than me and, at sixteen, their references as 36 year olds were completely lost on me! I used to say that I couldn't really get along with or understand anybody born after Empire Strikes Back. But the Internet changed all of that. Now kids know everything I know now by the time they're twelve.

Are you really a doctor if your PhD is in "excruciating torture"?

That was a joke! I don't care what your PhD was in. I'll call anybody a Doctor. Except for Gene Simmons. I'm going to first need proof that you got a degree, "Doctor" Love.

Hopefully Apokolips has a sex offender registry and Granny's name is at the top of the list in big bold block letters.

Manga Khan wants to trade Mister Miracle for Boom Tube technology. My guess is that he'll wind up trading Mister Miracle for his own life when Darkseid shows interest in the bartering. Although I'm sure it will never get that far as Martian Manhunter, Barda, G'nort, and Rocket Red have crashed on Apokolips in their terrible attempt to save Scott Free.

Don't worry, J'onn. I've been wondering that for you this entire time.

The Justice League have crashed in a part of Apokolips called the "Armagetto" which just seems implausible. Although I suppose everybody speaking English across the majority of the universe is also implausible. I guess the Green Lantern ring on G'nort's fist accounts for the ability of everyone to understand everyone else. But that just shunts the implausibility off to the Green Lantern ring! Luckily it's at this moment that I remember I have the facility to suspend my disbelief and I eagerly do so.

Luckily the Armagetto is full of rebellious citizens of Apokolips ready to help them save Scott Free. I think that means Darkseid isn't as scary as I thought he was. I would expect them all to be snitching immediately to the closest Parademon. But instead, they spend the few minutes or so since the Justice League arrived to build Rocket Red a new suit made with Fourth World technology.

Oh, they didn't build this. This is just an old suit they had lying around that looks remarkably like it was built for Rocket Red personally.

Darkseid is too busy to oversee the trade with Manga Khan which means Granny and Lord Manga have to sit around chatting until Darkseid gets back. Or until the Justice League rescue Scott Free. Or until Scott Free rescues himself. I don't remember which of those will happen first people only remember things in far back in their life if they were either terribly tragic or had Lobo in them.

Is the architecture on Apokolips boring and blocky because that's what Jack Kirby thought authoritarian architecture looked like or because Jack Kirby hated drawing buildings?

I know Jack Kirby didn't draw this issue but I'm assuming Ty Templeton is being as accurate as possible in his depiction of the original Apokolips.

The Justice League devise a plan to infiltrate Granny's orphanage unnoticed. It fails immediately. J'onn realizes that one angry wife, a dog with the most powerful weapon in the universe, a Russian in armor who's mostly just there for terrible translation jokes, and a Martian with every single super power in the DC Universe can't defeat all of Apokolips.

What they need to defeat all of Apokolips are a bug-man with no powers, an idiot from the future, and a brain-damaged simp with the most powerful weapon in the universe, apparently.

Granny Goodness and the other one with the stupid German name take Lord Manga Khan prisoner because the Justice League followed him to Apokolips (mostly the Big Barda part of the Justice League). He escapes the prison by taking off his armor and revealing that he's sentient pink gas. Well, that's a surprise even though I've read this before. Remember, I only really remember moments in my life that involved Lobo.

Back on Earth, Lobo and Guy Gardner arm wrestle while Hawkman walks around telling everybody why everything they do that's any fun is wrong.

Exhibit #4,332,226 of my up and coming trial to prove that comic books have always been full of social justice and heavily weighted against conservative modes of thought. Sorry, I don't accept evidence from Frank Miller comics.

You thought I was going to comment on their asses, right? Well, yeah, of course. Look at those asses!

Barda Boom Tubes into the room and takes Blue Beetle, Guy Gardner, Booster Gold, Fire, Ice, Hawkman, Hawkwoman, Oberon, and Lobo back to Apokolips with her. She forgets to get Captain Atom who actually may have been some help. Oh, sure, Lobo would be great help if he was actually one of them and not looking to kill the entire Justice League himself.

I forgot to acknowledge the letter writers in some of my previous posts. I will rectify that now. Not by going back and looking up those I missed! But by continuing to do it from this issue forward! Until I forget again.

Letters this month were from Charles J. Sperling of Flushing, New York; Simon Del Monte of Forest Hills, New York; J.C., Somewhere in Readerland (um, vague!); Elvis Orten of Dawson Springs, Kentucky; Dennis Anfuso from the mountains of New Hampshire; Logan Force IV of Brantford, Ontario; David "Captain Marvel Fan Club" Clarke of Arlington, Texas; Randy Daward of Dixon, California; and Nelson Fox of Oxnard, California.

Charles J. Sperling makes the great point that "Fire has never looked sexier." I would probably have called him chauvinistic at best but then I'd look like the hypocrite I know I am for having pointed out how fine her ass was earlier.

J.C. is a woman who refuses to use her real name because she doesn't want to "become the object of further ridicule by my friends and family." Hey, J.C. You have terrible friends and family. She also writes, "What woman wouldn't want to have a sonic scream when she's being verbally harassed by construction workers?" See, young people? Some of us (I include myself because it makes me seem kinder and more thoughtful about the world and I already pointed out that I am a hypocrite if you read that previous paragraph), even way back in the dark ages of 1988, were concerned about objectifying women and harassing them in public! I don't think this can be an exhibit in the future trial I'm presiding over because the sentiment wasn't by a comic book writer. Although later in the letter she concedes a point made by a sexist letter writer in a previous issue that "Black Canary sometimes comes off as a 'female chauvinist.'" I don't see this as a fault in J.C. at all. This is just part of the problem of Social Justice and Social Awareness in 1988. You didn't want to seem irrational by being too extreme and often conceded terrible points to awful people. Especially if you were a woman harangued by men who simply believed anything that came out of their mouth was rational by the mere fact they're a man.

Justice League International #20 Rating: A+. Remember, I mentioned Lobo was in a scene. That's a Godsend when coming up with a rating because it means an automatic A+. And, yes, I know I didn't rate the previous issue with Lobo battling Guy so high. But you can't sue me because I already admitted to being a hypocrite. Suck it, faithful reader!

Justice League International #19 (1988)

This is probably the original cover that caused me, whenever I saw similar covers, to simply think, "Now kiss!"

Even for the late 80s, Lobo and Guy Gardner both had fucked up haircuts.

First, let's take a look at the inside cover advert from our delicious corporate overlords, M & M's:

I'm sorry if this truth is a little too raw for the post-physical-bullying generation but if this guy showed up like this to Winchester Skate Park, he would have gotten his ass handed to him.

I know, I know! Nowadays, we're all just dying to get our hands on a free M & M's painter's cap and an M & M's custom designed shirt (not to mention the weird modern art covered skateboard). But this was the late 80s! If you didn't have the style of Lobo or Guy Gardner, your head was destined for the bottom of a toilet bowl. Which, ironically, would give you both Lobo and Guy Gardner's haircuts.

This issue is called "No More Mr. Nice-Guy" which is almost the title of an Alice Cooper song except Alice had the sense not to put a stupid dash between "nice" and "guy."

Guy Gardner suffered brain damage from an accident with Hal Jordan's power lantern. Then he suffered brain damage from Batman's fist. Last issue, he suffered more brain damage by being at direct center of a Boom Tube opening. Now he's fighting Lobo and he flies head first at full speed into a lamppost. That can only mean one thing!

Oh wait. Guy's fine this time. Batman must punch really hard.

I probably didn't know much about Lobo when I picked up this comic book in 1988, having never been even close to tempted into reading The Omega Men, which means this is probably when I fell in love with Lobo, even if he is nowhere close to looking his sexiest. Maybe this is also when I fell in love with Guy Gardner. Is this why I modeled my adult persona around being an abrasive asshole?

The fight between Guy Gardner and Lobo reminds me of the fight between Superman and Doomsday except it's far less serious and way more bad-ass. I really don't know why DC had to create a whole new character to kill Superman when Lobo was just sitting right there on his space hog looking hot and sexy. We all know Lobo could have done it if he'd really wanted to. Or, you know, if the writer had decided Lobo could kill Superman. But no! The writer had to be Dan Jurgens and Dan Jurgens was all, "Duh! I'm going to make a huge mistake and not have Lobo kill Superman! Duh! I'm a dummy!"

I hope Dan Jurgens doesn't search the Internet for his own name because I'd feel really bad if he read that and started to cry. I'm sorry, Dan. I don't really think you're a big dummy. It's just that I get really passionate about two things: Lobo and comic book writers who make huge mistakes by not having Lobo kill Superman. Those are my two biggest pet peeves.

The Justice League break up the fight and invite Lobo in for coffee and doughnuts. Lobo, not having signed anything that would make sure he gets paid for killing these guys, decides to stop killing these guys. That makes sense because who wants to do their job if they're not getting paid for it? Only sociopaths! Which means Lobo is a completely rational and reasonable dude. Which means every citizen of Czarnia must have been a complete and utter shite-head.

Through an unfortunate mishap called "conversation," Lobo learns that he was Boom Tubed right into Justice League headquarters. He decides to wait around for the jerks he fought in space to return before he kills them all and earns himself ten years worth of space dolphin chow. I wonder how long ten years is in Lobo's junkyard home? I suppose everybody in the DC Universe simply reverts to using Earth measurements because Earth is the only place where humans exist and they're special because they fall in love and have willpower and, I don't know, are based on the writers of the comic book universe, I guess? Humans rock!

Max decides Lobo should be granted temporary admittance to the League which just shows what a terrible leader Max Lord is. I guess he got confused because Guy and Lobo just met and instantly got in a big fight which must mean this was one of those comic book misunderstandings where two good guys wind up fighting. Therefore Lobo is a good guy who must be hired without any kind of background check. Batman arrives and instantly shits all over the idea. But then Batman shits on every idea, making the meaning of "shitting on ideas" completely worthless. Which is more proof that Lobo should be on the team, I think. Plus Batman doesn't already know about Lobo?! What kind of super detective is he?! Oh yeah, that's right. The kind who bases his whole career on a confused bat crashing through his window in the middle of the night.

The rest of the issue turns into a recruitment drive which seems like a huge double cross after that cover of Lobo about to kiss Guy Gardner. And it's a terrible recruitment drive! They hire the cosmic assassin Lobo. Black Canary quits. Captain Atom talks Max out of hiring Major Force. The Flash misses his invite. Superman turns down Batman. And Batman convinces Hawkman and Hawkwoman to join (yes, convincing Hawkman to join is worse than him refusing to). This team sounds like they're in huge trouble without even needing to find any enemies to battle.

Meanwhile in space, Barda realizes where The Cluster must be going with Scott: to Apokolips to trade him to Darkseid. So they're off to the most dangerous place in the DC Universe in 1988!

Justice League International #19 Rating: C-. Normally, if an issue features Lobo, it gets an A+. But Lobo just sits around in the dark getting flirted at by Fire. He barely does anything! He doesn't even kill Guy Gardner! And, of course, he's not really all that attractive here. He doesn't really become a super hot hunk of killer love until Simon Bisley gets his pencil on him.