Invasion! Book Three: World Without Heroes (December 1988)

Looks more like Heroes Without a World, amirite?!

The Cover
Somehow Bart Sears pulled a cover out of his ass that I appreciate. Did Bart Sears begin doing Artist Steroids in the early '90s? I don't know what they are but the symptoms are drawing all of your characters like they just took steroids and got done lifting at the gym. Here, they're all just regularly muscled and Wonder Woman isn't scaring my penis away. I think that's just because I'm old though. In 1988, I'm sure my penis was cowering inside me at the thought of a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and what she might want is for me to satisfy for her sexually. My penis, at 17, was definitely not up to that task and it knew it. I've heard from a comic book reading friend that Bart Sears got over his '90s fixation on drawing everybody like they were burly pieces of beef jerky but I'll have to take his word for it because I'm not in any hurry to hunt down any Bart Sears comic books. I'll never get the taste of early '90s Power Girl out of my mouth. Dammit. Now I'm horny.

The Story So Far
It doesn't matter! The first two Books told a complete and coherent story of the invasion of Earth by tall toothy bastards whose foreheads looked like they never missed a Wesley Willis concert! I once had the opportunity to headbutt Wesley Willis at his merch table when I went to see him decades ago in Portland but I was too nervous. How do you prepare yourself for meeting a man who beat Batman's ass? It's impossible.

I suppose the story so far is that the nerdiest Dominator of all time has developed a bomb that will disable the Meta-Gene in Earthlings. He's so hyped to stop getting Dominator Swirlies and Dominator Wedgies that he's going to break the terms of the Dominator's Unconditional Surrender to Earth and restore the Dominators to glory! In his mind, at least. Obviously he's going to wash out and wind up stuffed back in his Dominator locker.

The Story
Before I get to my little comic book, I want to post a quote from the book I'm currently reading, John Barth's The Sot-Weed Factor (1960). I've owned this book for about 27 years and am finally getting around to reading it which is fitting if you know anything about the main character in the book. Anyway, here's the quote:

"I fear me what Father would say, did he hear of't."

"My dear fellow," Burlingame said, "we sit here on a blind rock careening through space; we are all rushing headlong to the grave. Think you the worms will care, when anon they make a meal of you, whether you spent your moment sighing wigless in your chamber, or sacked the golden towns of Montezuma? Lookee, the day's nigh spent; 'tis gone careering into time forever. Not a tale's length past we lined our bowels with dinner, and already they growl for more. We are dying men, Ebeneezer: i'faith, there's time for naught but bold resolves!"

Sure, this is sort of a standard profound thought, a bit of the old seize the day mundanity. Barth was 30 when he wrote this and there's a weird twilight zone in a young person's life where the realization that you only have the one life hits you pretty hard and you wonder what the fuck you're doing with it. But I just love the way this is expressed. The concept of how fast everything goes remains the theme throughout, that and nobody else caring what you do with your life, even the worms who will eventually eat you. It's not just about life going by fast; it's about not living for other people as well. I don't mean in an isolated, uncaring and selfish way! I mean in a don't let the authoritarian control freaks make you think twice about doing something you long to do. Look, maybe it's simpler if I just let somebody who expresses things better than me say it. Somebody like Chris Onstad:

It's fake ideas all the way down, man!

Not only is the rock careening through space: the space is careening through space! Everything is careening, faster and faster. If the planet is revolving around the sun at X speed and the sun is moving through space at Y speed and the galaxy is moving through space at Z speed and, and, and, well, it's all additive, you know? That's reality! Making sure you're home at 10 PM because your parents proclaimed that was your curfew? How the fuck does that stand up to what's really happening out past the roof, the atmosphere, the edge of the solar system?! Just fucking go for it, man!

At the moment, I may be a little drunk on misfiring brain chemicals due to reading and possibly genetics and I did drink a Monster energy drink because I hate my kidneys. Let me calm down a bit and we could get back to reading about that Nerd Dominator. I also need to process the loss of Todd McFarlane on this series. Gone too soon, especially when replaced by Bart Sears.

This is fucking page one. I guess we're just getting right into it, eh?

Okay, great, Gene Bomb deployed. What exactly does that mean? Earth will still be protected by Superman, Green Lantern, Batman, Green Arrow, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, Starfire, Nightwing, Blue Devil, The Spectre, Jason Blood & Etrigan, Doctor Fate, Hawkman, Hawkwoman, Blue Beetle, Booster Gold, Guy Gardner, and so, so many others. The meta-gene explains maybe — and this is being generous — fifty percent of Earth's heroes? Of course I'm only on page one and I'm bringing logic to an irrational gun fight. I bet Aquaman loses his powers because the entire race of Atlanteans are based on a meta-gene. And the Amazons too. And maybe Martian's have a meta-gene being that they're part of the Sol system so J'onn will just turn into a big green powerless gumby dude. And maybe Batman's meta-gene runs his memory so he'll forget his PIN and not be able to access his money so he'll lose all of his wonderful toys?

It turns out the Gene-Bomb doesn't immediately shut down the powers of every superhero. First, it makes their powers spike so they go out of control. In Moscow, Firestorm begins transmuting everything into everything else. In Manhattan, Captain Atom almost causes a nuclear incident. At JLI Headquarters, Fire begins barfing up green flame everywhere.

In the Dibny home, Sue considers divorce on the grounds of "My husband is gross."

Most of the heroes I named earlier aren't affected and they're called in to help stop the out of control heroes. The one exception in my list is Doctor Fate. Why is he out of control? He's not even really human when he's got the helmet on, right? Is this evidence that the Lords of Order are humans super evolved from the Meta-Gene?! I suppose Kent Nelson could have a Meta-Gene that allowed him to use the helmet effectively. I guess. I might as well let comic book logic lead my thinking or else how am I going to understand any of this shit?

By the end of Chapter One, the crisis is over. The non-affected heroes didn't defeat the out-of-control super-powered heroes. The out-of-control super-powered heroes just wore themselves out and collapsed. Having them collapse immediately after their meta-genes were turned off by the Gene Bomb would have resulted in a comic book with far less than 80 pages. And probably a really boring comic book. Also, without the sudden burst of power, how could Terra have come back to life?

Far, far away, Deathstork feels a mysterious movement in his pants.

All of the downed heroes are gathered in a large Lex-Corp medical facility where they're strapped to beds, hooked up to monitors, and supplied super bedpans. But the one thing the doctors don't do is remove any of their masks. Because even if they're dying, they wouldn't want their identities exposed! Also I don't know what kind of pillow they gave Firestorm since his head is still on fire. Were we still consciously using asbestos in 1992?

That bit about asbestos reminds me: I grew up in the '70s! That's my excuse for being as stupid as I am. I was huffing lead gasoline exhaust! I should get a medal for never becoming a violent criminal with all the lead, asbestos, and nuclear fallout from weapons testing I sucked down during my youth! Fuck, why didn't my Meta-Gene ever kick in?!

Since the medical community has failed at finding a way to reverse the meta-gene meltdown taking place (even the greatest scientists in the DCU like Doc Magnus, The Chief, Lex Luthor, and Dr. Megala), Hal, Guy, J'onn, Starman, Robotman, and fucking Dmitri the Rocket Red travel across the universe to have a word with the Dominators. They're obviously the cause even though there's no evidence as to the cause. Batman probably figured it out.

Guy stole my favorite line when I'm visiting the bath houses down on Castro in San Francisco.

The group run into Superman in orbit around Earth who claims he won't set foot back on Earth for some reason. He'll think twice when he's about to run out of oxygen. Why he needs oxygen when the yellow sun basically gives him everything he needs, I can't say. Maybe he just needs to keep some kind of gas in his lungs so they don't collapse in the vacuum of space? No wait. That's like backwards! Oh, never mind! I keep forgetting I'm reading a comic book and not a scientific journal!

While trying to find out while Superman won't go back to Earth, the Omega Men arrive in a star ship. They were headed to Earth to join the battle but it's over. So they agree to transport everybody to the Dominator's homeworld using their ship's hyperdrive.

Tigorr's an intelligent man. Err, cat. Um, man-cat?

Back on Earth, the heroes begin dying.

"Who's that?" you're probably thinking. That's Scott Fisher. "Who's that?" you're probably thinking.

It feels wrong that I used the whole "Who the fuck is that hero?" joke for two members of the Doom Patrol. But let's face it: it wasn't exactly the greatest run for those guys. And they needed to really start building up some solid wreckage so that Grant Morrison could crawl them out of it.

Apparently the person coming back to life in Markovia was Metamorpho and not Terra. That's too bad. Not that I'm not happy for Metamorpho. I just wanted more Terra. I guess I have to wait for fake Terra from the future (unless she wasn't fake?) in Team Titans! No wait. I already re-read Team Titans. I guess I'll never again have any Terra in my life!

The mission to the Dominator's home planet takes two seconds. Snapper Carr (who now has a super power because his Meta-Gene was activated by the Dominators in Book One and who is now a member of a superhero team named The Blasters) has the power of teleportation. He teleports J'onn to the surface of the planet where J'onn disguises himself as a Dominator (luckily one with a huge red spot). J'onn then infiltrates the locker where the Nerd Dominator has been stuffed, reads his mind, learns the antidote, and he leaves. That's it! They've got the cure! Story over!

Oh, right. They needed to fill 80 pages.

So all that's left is a bit of a space battle so that Superman and the Green Lanterns can have an excuse for being here (although Robotman, Starman, and Rocket Red really weren't needed in this entire plan). And we meet Frag who, I'm assuming, is one of Carr's Blaster buddies? But that's pretty much it. J'onn makes the cure, the team hyperspace back to Earth, Superman acts weird, and they explode the antidote in the atmosphere, curing everybody immediately!

Okay. Not everybody.

The Ranking!
If you don't take into account that Book Three was used as a launchpad for the whole "super powers are caused by a meta-gene" shit that DC will use to empty my pocketbooks with Bloodline a few years later, this really should have just been a two 80-page book series. This was an unnecessary third chapter! Maybe editorial also felt they needed to highlight the Earthlings that would become The Blasters since The Blasters was an new series about to hit the shelves that I'm positive absolutely nobody was interested in. Finally, the back cover proclaims, "We have no idea what we're doing! Did we need this third Book? Do we need a fourth?! Who wants more Meta-Gene stuff! DC! We're Putting the Meta-Gene Back Into Comics!"

Um. Yes?

Justice League America #31 (1989)

Why is Ice so intrigued? And why is Wally, super horndog, so repulsed? And what has happened that was so inappropriate that Beetle is losing his shit? And what is coming out of Dr. Fate's asshole?

Don't worry, I know why Wally is so repulsed. This comic is from 1989. It's only ten Reagan-years removed from the 1979 movie Phantasm which made one of its big horror moments a, in the parlance of the time, "tranny trick." And if you're thinking, "Well, 10 years should have improved people's attitudes," there's a reason I noted they were "Reagan-years." They're like regular years where prices increase and technology gets better but society moves backwards. That's why, on this cover, it's just a big joke that Wally, who wants to fuck every person with a nice set of tits and a great ass, is suddenly grossed out by this fantastic pair of tits and, I'm assuming, a superb ass. Is he grossed out because Doctor Fate is usually a man? Is he freaked that Nabu, a male God of Order, is inhabiting the body of a woman? I'm not sure. Maybe it's because Doctor Fate is both a man and a woman at one time?

You know what? I shouldn't blame the times. Grant Morrison was beginning his run on Doom Patrol in 1989 which would push all kinds of boundaries and celebrate all manner and types of people. If I need to put any blame on backwards attitudes, I guess that blame will go to Giffen and DeMatteis. Although I shouldn't make assumptions based on the reactions of some of the characters on this cover. Wally could be acting that way because Doctor Fate just blew a huge mystic fart. There's evidence for that as well! And that's probably why Blue Beetle is laughing so hard! I'm sure he's not laughing because Wally just hit on Doctor Fate and Nabu spoke in a manly voice and then Wally was all, "Oh God I'm gay!" Actually I'm not sure of that at all. In fact, I feel almost certain that's exactly what just happened prior to this scene.

Blue Beetle also just might be laughing at whatever is going on with Captain Atom's crotch.

"Wish there's something I could have done about it," thinks the nearly Godlike being. The Spectre is a fucking centrist.

"Oh, but I'm not allowed to interfere and save people from evil! I only punish evil after the fact!" The Spectre farts out of his asshole of his mouth. Well, might-as-well-be-a-cop godlike being if you can't even stop anything horrible from happening, maybe if the rules suck, you shouldn't follow the rules? Maybe use your powers to interfere in evil's plans as they're happening instead of waiting for the victims and then asking the spirits of the victims, "Hey, are you angry that happened to you? If so, check 'Seek Vengeance.' If no, why the fuck not, you weirdo?!"

The Spectre encounters The Gray Man in this destroyed place with no dead bodies. The Gray Man works for the Lords of Order collecting dream essence from the heads of corpses. We've seen a version of him before in Justice League International #2-7. But that guy hated the job and killed himself or something. I can't remember. It's been a long time! This one seems like he loves his job and can't wait to follow the repercussions of whatever just transpired in this destroyed town because it's going to create a lot of dead people. The Spectre was "compelled" here to meet The Gray Man, I guess, and maybe so he can warn the Justice League that some cosmic and/or heavenly tragedy is about to transpire. If I were the Justice League, I wouldn't wait around for some jerk like The Spectre to appear and threaten me into doing his bidding. I'd just get Madame Xanadu on the payroll so every other day she can be all, "The end of the world is nigh unless you get me some chocolate milk from the corner store!"

Meanwhile, unaware that they're about to face an actual threat to the world for once, Booster Gold, Mister Miracle, and Blue Beetle are reconditioning a Justice League Shuttle in the old cave headquarters outside Metropolis (recently rented out to the Doom Patrol as they begin their best adventures under Grant Morrison's authorship). They're also involved in a conversation that I'm sure eighteen year old me thought was fantastically postmodern.

Now I'm just confused. Am I reading the comic book version of the team? Or is this the real version (in a comic book) and they're somehow even more ridiculous in the comic book's comic book version?

In other news, eighteen year old me definitely got a boner from the next scene. And not the kind of joke boner where you say, "Boooooing!", and pretend that you got a boner. I mean an actual erection.

I'm probably wrong about the boner thing. At eighteen, I was actually more into Warhammer than boners.

Some people don't understand the difference between text and subtext so let me point out that me being a virgin at eighteen is subtext and also just speculation on your part! You don't know that a lot of Warhammer players fuck! You think some sweaty nerd has never swung a phalanx of Space Marines around the back side of a legion of Nurgle's minions in a surprise charge that absolutely obliterated them while a woman stood nearby watching and ruining her underwear? You think wrong, my friend!

Doctor Fate arrives on the scene. She's currently made up of one Linda Strauss and not one Kent Nelson. She, a grown woman, usually merges with Eric Strauss, a ten year old boy, her stepson, to become Doctor Fate. That might sound gross but you also haven't heard about the part where Eric's body was rapidly matured to be that of a man while still being a ten year old child. You also might think that's gross but you haven't heard the part where Linda begins to have romantic feelings for Eric. You might think that's gross but I haven't even gotten to the part where Eric reciprocates. I have no idea what was going on in the Doctor Fate comic book in the late 80s but I fucking wish I had been reading it! It sounds fantastic! Oh, and Kent Nelson is a corpse but his body has been possessed by Nabu so Kent Nelson's corpse is still walking around and hanging out. You saw him recently in that issue where Blue Beetle had been turned into a Bialyan Candidate.

Doctor Fate was advised by Nabu to see if the Justice League could use her help and maybe offer her some training and experience. So she uses her magic to slip through the roof of the JLA Embassy and surprise the Justice League.

Either Doctor Fate emerged inside Martian Manhunter, exploding him into green paste, or G'nort just threw up. Oh! Maybe Fire exploded into a fireball! And I guess that other sound effect is an alarm?

Batman drops by so that Oberon can spend a page explaining to him what just happened in the panel with the split pea soup flying out of the window. Obviously it was Fire being surprised by Doctor Fate and, not being in total control of her powers yet, blowing up. But the alarm needed explaining and, well, Oberon explained it but I don't know why it had to be a part of this comic. Maybe the new JLA security which identifies members of the group by costume and whether or not they usually have tits and if it doesn't recognize them, an alarm goes off will be an important plot point later in this story.

Batman, like me, doesn't give a shit about Oberon's explanation. But I, unlike Batman, don't disappear immediately because I have no respect for myself or my time.

Batman misses out on Max Lord meeting the new Doctor Fate. But not me! Because I'm still here! 33 years later! Reading it all over again! Oh joy!

I wish Doctor Fate hadn't interrupted Max Lord because I wanted to hear why he couldn't not stare at her tits. Mostly because I need a good excuse for all the times I get caught staring at tits.

Doctor Fate wants to come off the reserve list and be put on the "I can't promise I'll be here every time you call" list which is somehow different than the reserve list. My bet is that she doesn't last past this four issue crossover story. And yes, I can bet even though I've read this comic book multiple times because my memory is for shit.

I don't remember discussing the art by Adam Hughes with friends back in the day but, fuck me, his shit is amazing.

Looking up Adam Hughes, I see he hasn't done a lot that I would have come into contact with: this JLA stuff, a few odds and ends during The New 52, and Before Watchmen. It's a shame because I'm already loving his style and his panel choices. In the scene where Max Lord has a staring contest with Fate's tits, Hughes ads a lot of reflective surfaces and offers camera angles to show the reflections off of these surfaces: Fate's helmet, Lord's desk, several mirrors in the office. It's nice to see a lot of variety and flair in the layouts. Even the scene I hated where Oberon is explaining what happened to a fireman, Hughes lays it out so that the camera angle is over the fireman's head looking down at Oberon, shifting the fireman so that he's standing outside the panel. It's really an impressive choice (and maybe necessary based on how many words DeMatteis wrote for that scene. SO MANY!).

Just go back to that previous scan and look at Ice's and Fire's faces in that first panel. Kevin Maguire who?

I also like that female Doctor Fate's helmet has strong cheekbones. And that her shirt has those shapely lumps. The cape covers her ass so I'm guessing it's not her best feature. Although she knows magic so why isn't it? Is she lazy?

Fuck you, Batman!

That's it! The straw that finally broke the Dark Knight's back for me! I was okay with Batman carrying water for authority figures and the rich! I was just fine with Batman beating the shit out of the mentally ill and the impoverished who had no choice but to work for the mentally ill. I didn't give a shit that Bruce Wayne used crime and The Batman's suppression of it to gentrify different Gotham neighborhoods and make even more money in real estate. Never gave a second thought to the way he broke skylights on a constant basis to make a pretty penny on the side with Wayne Skylight Repair. But now I feel personally attacked! How fucking boring must monitor duty be? And it isn't like it's not entirely automated! Some light is going to blink and some siren is going to blare to let Guy know something is wrong somewhere in the world. He can't play some stupid browser game while he's waiting around?! I mean, I guess they didn't have browser games in 1989. But this is state of the art equipment! It definitely came with a few games to tool around with, like Minesweeper and Solitaire. Fuck Batman! He's like a fucking middle manager who just wants to see people keeping busy rather than letting them spend their time as they see fit while also doing the job intended. Let Guy play his stupid game, you asshole!

Hmm. Maybe I already hated Batman because of all the things I said I never cared about. I mean, I did fall in love with The Titans television show the instant Dick Grayson said, "Fuck Batman." Imagine if Marv Wolfman had chosen to do that early on in his memorable run on The Titans! But no! Instead, we got about 100 issues of Dick moping and pouting and living in the shadow of Batman when all he had to do was decide to be his own man. Becoming Nightwing should have been a metaphoric "Fuck you, Batman," but instead it was just a chance for Dick to feel like Batman forgot all about him. Sometimes writing to create drama ruins the fucking story. Think about how in The New 52, Batman saw Dick as his only real peer in the superhero community, and he expressed it, and he showed how proud he was of him? (All of that may have begun earlier in the stories where Dick took over the Batman role with Damian as Robin but I still haven't gotten to those yet. I hear they are terrific.)

Poor Guy Gardner. Batman really has it out for him, doesn't he? I guess I shouldn't expect a man who loves to cause brain damage to understand what a peer with brain damage is going through.

Of course the writers and editors are on Batman's side! But just think how shitty the JLA computer system is if some stupid game makes it so they can't get emergency alerts! Um, fuck Batman!

I don't know who that is on the other end of the emergency line but I'm guessing it's Catherine or Sue from Justice League Europe. The reason I can't tell isn't because she's green; it's because Adam Hughes draws attractive human beings while Bart Sears has been drawing pieces of beef jerky in wigs.

Oberon is giving The Huntress and Doctor Fate a tour of the embassy when J'onn J'onzz walks out of the teleporter fully nude. Does Justice League America have a head of human resources? Or did they quit because of Guy Gardner? And Batman! Probably more so Batman. Who would want to tell Batman that he needs to maybe stop punching team members in the face, even if those team members are misogynistic assholes with raging tempers who are also severely disabled? By adding the "severely disabled" bit, did it sound like I felt it was okay to punch team members in the face if they were disabled? Because I didn't mean that. But if they were disabled assholes, then, um, yes, I did mean it. But only if those two things go together! Like a terrible Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

I wonder what a Martian ding-dong even looks like? Maybe The Huntress and Doctor Fate didn't realize what they were looking at. "Why the fuck did J'onn have a dead squirrel dangling between his legs?" is probably what The Huntress said. Unless she said, "Meow! Kitty like!" I know she's not Catwoman. But her mother was! And also that was The Huntress talking as if her vagina were talking.

I'm really fucking mind-melding with Guy Gardner this issue! *swoon*

I discovered while doing this review that I can send my comic book panel scans over Xbox Live messenger. Now I have a new tool to bother everybody I know. "Hey guys I don't want to play Halo I just wanted to show you Fire's tits!"

No, really. Look at Fire's tits:

If I cropped this differently, you'd think it was Fire's ass. Or the inside crook of her elbow.

The group heading to Europe to help out the JLE with whatever problem they're having is composed of Blue Beetle, Booster Gold, Mister Miracle, Fire, Ice, Martian Manhunter, Guy Gardner, Doctor Fate, and Batman. I don't know what happened to The Huntress. Did Adam Hughes just forget to draw her? Did she remain back with Oberon? Did everybody conveniently forget she was a part of the team already like so many other heroes before her?

But boy those tits, right? Whew!

Nobody knows what's happening in Europe because Sue Dibny doesn't know either. Justice League Europe went off to battle some mystery army and nobody has heard from them since. The only people who seem to know what's happening are two shadowy figures in a dark room shown in one panel.

I guess I could have said "Java and Simon Stagg" instead of "two shadowy figures."

Justice League America discovers a small village in some place in Europe under attack by unknown forces. They figure Justice League Europe are involved in the melee somewhere and so fly down to rescue them. Meanwhile The Gray Man and The Spectre stand around pseudo-philosophizing about metaphysical mumbo-jumbo or something. They don't know what they're up to so there's no reason I should even speculate! The Spectre knows he's super powerful though and can't wait to find out who he gets to punch in the face. Even if it's the Justice League!

Justice League America #31 Rating: B+. Man, why are DeMatteis and Giffen trying to make me hate The Spectre?! I want to like him but I can't like him if even he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. He's supposed to be super powerful and God's buddy but here he is just acting like that idiot Pariah, lured to some catastrophe but having no idea what he's doing there. But that terrible Spectre stuff was only like the first couple of pages and the last page. The other stuff was actually pretty good! It's the way I remember this comic book! I laughed in several places which I haven't been doing at all lately reading this thing. It's as if this issue were the issue that remained in the forefront of my mind all of these years. The characters weren't overly silly but they engaged in some wacky things while being more or less characters rather than caricatures. Plus the art is magnificent. I imagine back in 1989, I loved when this series came out and then moaned picking up the Bart Sears' Justice League Europe. It's like night and day if night were overly muscled characters with big hair and small faces and day were super hot looking men and women in unique poses and exciting camera angles!

Justice League Europe #4 (1989)

And Power Girl.

When The Elongated Man is knocked unconscious, his neck should recoil into his body like pressing the pedal on the vacuum cleaner to recoil the power cord. SHWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIP-CRACK!

I've been watching Marvel's She-Hulk: Attorney-at-Law and it has confirmed my belief that Comicsgaters hate themselves because they simply can't allow themselves to enjoy enjoyable things. That show is motherfucking charming and a lot of fun. It's probably my favorite of the Marvel television shows (which, if I'm remembering correctly, I've liked them all). Plus in the most recent episode, the DC Universe became a canonical part of the Marvel Universe. It's when Jen says, "Am I being fridged?" And while, yes, it's probably true, that "being fridged" has become common comic book lingo, you can't ignore the origin of it from Gail Simone's Women in Refrigerators. Yes, Gail's essay dealt with both universes. But the whole saying stems from a Kyle Rayner story! You can't discuss "Women in Refrigerators" without understanding that the entire idea was sparked by the absolutely over-the-top death of Kyle's girlfriend being stuffed into a fridge. You might also argue that She-Hulk's moments where she breaks the 4th wall don't count in the canon but at that point I've stopped listening to you and gone on with my life.

Anyway, it's a great fucking show and Comicsgaters are fucking losers who can't fucking simply enjoy something enjoyable! Loosen up, bastiches! Get laid! Oh, whoops! Sorry! I think that's part of the problem. This is why I'm such a staunch proponent of legalizing sex work. Because men who can't get laid need an option where they can get laid. And women need an option where they can get laid by a guy who knows what he's doing. Picking up a guy at a nightclub when you're a horny woman is a fucking crap shoot. Sure, the guy might be super sexy but you never know what his skills are going to be. But if you pay for sex? The guy had better know how to close!

Also we need to stop letting old men and Christians define sexuality. Those fucking cretins wouldn't enjoy a finger up the ass unless it was OH NO I'm not finishing this thought because I absolutely frown on the amount of pedophilia happening in the Catholic Church and even if my brain wanted to turn it into a punchline, I have control over my brain and I just told my brain, "NO! YOU STOP RIGHT THERE, YOU NASTY ASS EDGELORD!"

Pointing out an error like this could be a critique on how little anybody working in the medium of comics cares about the job or it could just mean I'm a petty asshole.

If anybody reading this series was still wondering who was fucking with the Justice League Europe across the last few issues, beginning the story in Bialya should clear that right up. I mean if they somehow didn't look at the cover!

This issue is called "Bialya Burning!" which kind of implies that the Justice League are going to firebomb an entire country. Unless it's more metaphorical like when Midnight Oil said their beds were burning. Unless that wasn't metaphorical at all and somebody should have really rushed in with a hose to help them.

Queen Bee softly chides Jack O'Lantern (I hate that name. Am I typing it correctly? I have no idea) for revealing himself to Justice League Europe. Now they know who is behind the disinformation campaign to make them look like white supremacist Nazi lovers. The campaign mostly relies on mind control though so it's not much of a campaign. What can't you do if you had mind control at your disposal?! I suppose find somebody to truly love you. But forcing them to love you truly through mind control is a satisfying enough illusion if you cultivate an exceptionally strong sense of denial.

See? Just as satisfying!

Jack O'Lantern calls Queen Bee "lady" twice and she reminds him that he owes her everything which I think is also a threat that means she can take everything away from him at any moment. Like his life. Was that too obvious to explain? Sometimes it's hard to tell. I often think things I read are obvious which is why my college professors were constantly writing "Expand on this" on my papers.

Animal Man and Power Girl are heading into Bialya undercover because it worked so well when they took the tour of the Global Guardians' headquarters in Paris. They were recognized instantly out of uniform even thought Wally West's hair color was completely wrong! Oh yeah, it was Wally there and not Buddy Baker. I was confused because of that hair color error I just mentioned. Anyway, Power Girl is totally recognizable due to her huge hair and also her tits.

Hey, remember the last time a member of the Justice League entered Bialya undercover? They were turned into a Manchurian Candidate! I'm not sure sending Power Girl into that situation is a good idea. Especially since Jack can identify her out of costume.

Sure, they aren't spying or listening through any shadowy devices but don't you think consuming every item in the mini-bar in under ten seconds might set off some alarms?!

This was 1989 so maybe the mini-bar was assessed manually when staff came to service the room. Back in 1997 when I was in Japan, I checked into a little place and walked up to what I thought was my room. The door was open as it was currently being cleaned and the first thing I did was grab a Coke out of the mini-bar. It alerted the desk that somebody was somewhere they shouldn't have been and they sent somebody up to politely scold me for breaking a rule. What I'm trying to say is I got a free Coke out of being a dopey tourist.

I don't know what Justice League Europe's plan is. It seems like maybe it's going completely against the whole United Nations backing of the League? They're just infiltrating a sovereign country to . . . what?! Overthrow the leader? Because the leader may have, at worst, pranked them? Aren't they stepping on Amanda Waller's toes here?! This feels like Suicide Squad shit.

Metamorpho sneaks into the country disguised as a stain on the bottom of a plane. He then transforms into a fart and makes a The Prisoner reference about the surveillance in Bialya. Oh, come on, Rex! They're just ahead of their time! Reagan's America and Thatcher's Britain are currently figuring out how to make the same kind of surveillance state palatable to their populaces! If only he could see the future and how so many people would embrace having cameras on their doorbells, CCTV on every street corner, and personal tracking devices right in their own pockets!

J'onn is also (meaning like me!) a bit disturbed about Captain Atom's plan to basically invade Bialya.

This is what happens when you put a military guy in charge. They make stupid military decisions.

The worst word to a military leader is "diplomacy." Talk?! What the fuck kind of tactic is that?! The only real tactics are violent invasion or stealthy infiltration, both of which ultimately lead to regime change and the installation of an American puppet as leader.

Meanwhile in Bialya, Jack begs Queen Bee to fuck him and she's all, "Um, no. Fuck somebody else if you need it so badly." And he's all, "Your mind control makes it so that I can't get it up with anybody else!" And Queen Bee basically just laughs in his face. Man, I wish I could mind control people. You don't have to compromise on anything and you can humiliate other people sexually! Can you even imagine that kind of power?! I'm only talking to the other fugly people reading this! We all know you hotties already do this constantly!

Jack is concerned for Owlwoman who is undergoing the process that gave Jack so many new superpowers. It was developed by some guy named The Doctor which was probably supposed to give everybody Nazi vibes so that the twiste will hit even harder: The Doctor is a Dominator!

I was going to scan the panel where the Doctor first appears to remind everybody who those big-toothed, Japan-flag-foreheaded aliens were. But this panel had Owlwoman's butt in it.

Metamorpho spies on Queen Bee and her pets before meeting up with Power Girl, Animal Man, and The Flash. He's found a way to infiltrate Queen Bee's base and he believes they can take her out. What does that mean?! They can't just beat up and kidnap the leader of a foreign nation, can they?! At least the Suicide Squad would kill her so that something had to change without any knowledge of American involvement (although everybody would totally know the CIA was involved anyway). What can the Justice League do?! Threaten her to play nice?

I suppose if it were my plan, I'd send my team in, destroy all of Queen Bee's technology, murder her Dominator (because he's an alien and I think even Batman and Superman wouldn't flinch at killing an alien for some reason), and deprogram her Global Guardian cohorts. All without letting her know who was doing it. Which probably means maybe Metamorpho should have just did all of that while he was a fart? He probably could have destroyed the machines by turning into some wet chemical and then killed the Dominator by turning into whatever chemical is a poison to them and then deprogrammed Jack and Owlwoman by some other chemical means that probably exists but I don't have time nor the inclination to research! But bringing in Power Girl, Flash, and Animal Man is going to kind of give the whole game away, isn't it? Or is Queen Bee supposed to just shrug after being defeated and say, "Good job! You guys win. I won't turn this into an international incident at all! Good luck on all of your future endeavors!"

Like usual, if I'd just waited to read ahead a few pages, I would have found out the plan.

So I guess my final guess as to their plan in the previous paragraph was pretty much spot on. You know it's not a good plan when my sarcastic plan winds up being the plan.

The Dominator's plan for Owlwoman's metamorphosis is to "push the 'meta(l) gene' past accepted limits." Do I not know the definition of words? Doesn't "accepted limits" mean "we've realized this is the limit and we've accepted that" and not "everybody has accepted and agreed that this will be the limit where we push the gene"? I guess I'm like Jack who the Dominator says has "limited intellect" which "cannot fathom" his science. I'm not even sure what Owlwoman's powers are and how pushing those powers past their limits would make her more powerful. Maybe I should look her up in the trusty Who's Who?

According to the Global Guardian entry in Who's Who (because Owlwoman doesn't get her own entry (which you'll realize makes sense when I copy down verbatim all that Who's Who has to say about her)), "Owlwoman (Wenonah Littlebird, a full-blooded Indian of Oklahoma) can fly and see in pitch darkness." Note how "a full-blooded Indian of Oklahoma" is so much longer than actually just giving us her tribe's name. They didn't have the Internet back then so you can choose to forgive the editors and writers for not knowing what tribes lived in Oklahoma or you can not forgive them because how hard would it have been to find out?!

This means that pushing her meta(l) gene past accepted limits will allow her to super fly and to super see in the dark. Wow! She's going to be awesome!

Metamorpho's plan is to sneak in through the sewers. He's surprised when Animal Man notices a camera in the sewers even though he pointed out all of the surveillance on his way into the city.

Either that was an itsy-bitsy camera in 1989 or Animal Man is being really sarcastic to point out what a dumb jerk Metamorpho is.

You might think calling Metamorpho a dumb jerk because he missed a camera is a bit rough but two seconds after they find the camera, they all blow up. They don't die, of course, although Animal Man probably should have died. Maybe he takes on the toughness of a cockroach just before he explodes. After the smoke clears, the Justice League find they've been ambushed by Jack O'Lantern.

Buddy Baker is a very sarcastic man.

What's the most sarcastic animal? I bet it's a dolphin. Imagine how much sass and eye rolling Aquaman has to put up with.

During the fight (which Jack continuously tries to flee almost immediately even though he started it), Jack blows a hole in the ceiling and kills a bystander walking on the street above. The mind control keeps him from worrying about everything except what Queen Bee is going to think. But I bet if he weren't mind controlled, he'd be feeling pretty remorseful right now. He's still a hero underneath his mind-control need to fuck Queen Bee.

The Flash punches Jack at super speed so Jack is probably dead. I'm surprised his head is still on his shoulders. Queen Bee, watching via the itsy-bitsy camera, decides to send reinforcements: a whole army of soldiers with pumpkin weapons. Looks like Jack is probably out of a job. I guess The Doctor is also making an army of soldiers who can super fly and super see in the dark too!

Before Queen Bee can dispatch her army, the Justice League arrives in her command center.

Nobody gets nothin' past Queen Bee!

According to the last four issues of Justice League Europe, Wally West is a total sex pest.

Metamorpho gasses all the guards and Buddy Baker stops the Dominator from pulling a pistol on the rest of them. Really? A vampire looking space alien monster that dominates other races and it reaches for a pistol? Useless! And that's where the scene ends! But later that night, Queen Bee explains to The Doctor the deal she made with the League. As long as she stops trying to ruin their reputation, they won't tell the rest of the world that Bialya is a terrorist nation bent on controlling the world. Seems like a fair compromise! Also, they tell Queen Bee she must stop working with a Dominator. So Queen Bee kills the Dominator. Which I'm guessing the League probably should have known would happen and, like Batman, just choose not to give a shit about anything that happens after they leave their enemies alive. Anybody who dies after they leave the scene, no matter how battered, bloodied, or maimed, isn't the fault of the hero! It's the fault of, well, doctors, probably.

The team return to Paris and not too far behind, also on her way to the Embassy, is Sapphire Stagg, Metamorpho's wife. Not only is he going to be surprised to discover he's married, he's going to be ecstatic to find out how hot his wife is!

The issue ends with Catherine Coulson possibly flirting with Captain Atom. Doesn't Catherine know Sue Dibny has dibs on him?

All this time I've been wondering where Captain Atom's cock was through his skin-tight uniform and wouldn't you know? It's been on his face the entire time!

Oh yeah, and apparently Jack O'Lantern was killed by The Doctor at Queen Bee's orders. Although I'm sure he was lying, probably saving him to experiment on, not realizing he was about to die himself.

Letters this month were from S.T. Cooper of Dublin, Ireland; Rene Stoops of The Netherlands; Pete Sidebotham of Cheshire, England; Mark T. of Houston, Texas; Jan C. Childress of Brooklyn, New York; Thom E. Lake of Pinole, California; Chris Hiebert of Hutchinson, Kansas; Mike Morrone of Midlothian, Illinois; and Russ Bedell of Glen Rock, Pennsylvania. Mark T. of Houston declares he only bought the comic book because of Bart Sears art which means I'm not sure I can take Mark seriously. I guess Mike is a huge fan of cock faces.

Justice League Europe #4 Rating: B. This was a decent superheroes infiltrating a foreign country story that just fell apart on the basis of Captain Atom's entire plan. The Justice League risked an international incident gambling on the fact that Queen Bee would stop picking on them when she realized they could beat her up any time they wanted to. Plus she's a terrorist loose cannon! The Justice League's whole plan was like putting The Club on your car's steering wheel: criminals could still steal your car but why not move on to an easier target?! So good luck, the rest of the world! At least Queen Bee won't be fucking with the JLE!

Justice League Europe #2 (1989)

look elongated man has the bends har har

Metamorpho can turn into any element in the world so he chooses to make his fist into a hammer. I don't know. Maybe stick your dick in The Flash's mouth and turn it into a 40/60 Oxygen/Nitrogen mix? This has the added benefit of . . . well, I think you can guess the added benefit.

The issue begins with a silver-haired man overlooking a funeral in a cemetery (with the Eiffel Tower in the background, of course, because I wouldn't want to lose my bet about establishing shots of Paris in this comic book always including the metal erection. Ooh la la). It might be Captain Atom but maybe it's also possibly The Phantom Stranger! No, don't get too excited, Tess (yes, I'm back to pretending my name is Tess). This is only the second issue. Too many minds would be blown if The Phantom Stranger suddenly became integral to the plot. Not mine though. I would just clamp down on my pipe, scrunch up my eyebrows, take a few puffs, and say (out of the side of my mouth), "Tut tut. I see. This comic book is going to get existential." Unless it's going to get spiritual and then I'd say that.

This issue is called, "Somebody Up There Hates Us!" Oh, so maybe it is The Phantom Stranger! He's like God's debt collector. No wait. That's The Spectre. I have no fucking clue what The Phantom Stranger does. I believe it has something to do with never lifting a finger to help anybody at all.

Aside from Catherine's hair, nothing about this comic book page indicates it's from 1989. Everything about it looks so old school. I mean super duper old school. I forget the actual date is 2022.

Because the man who died in the Embassy's foyer was a Nazi, Captain Atom decides to investigate known Nazi organizations, especially those tied to meta-humans. Sue Dibny, showing off her computer skills, gets to work while Ralph's body sits far enough away that he can do his favorite thing: stretch his neck to twenty feet long and make me sick.

You might think Nazis in Santa Cruz sounds weird but, having been a Silicon Valley boy who would spend his summers at the beach, I guarantee you they had a lot of fascist surfers covering their town in fascist graffiti like "Locals Only!" and "Valleys Go Home!" Jerkos!

Sue eye fucks Captain Atom while she gags like everybody else at Ralph's nose twitching. It seems I was a little harsh on her in my last review when I expressed joy in her upcoming death because she loved the nose twitching. But she's just as grossed out by her husband as everybody else. Besides, Captain Atom is practically naked and standing right next to her all smooth and musky and dickless. The dickless part isn't something that would appeal to Sue so I should have left it out. My assumption is that in the actual Justice League Europe universe where they've never heard of the Comics Code Authority, you can see the outline of Captain Atom's dick through the leotard.

If I was trying to remind my wife that I was the one she loved fucking, I wouldn't do it while my neck was twenty feet long so she remembers that my body induces nausea.

My theory is that Sue Dibny was dying of vaginal cancer after fucking Captain Atom constantly during this gig and so she arranged her own murder so Ralph would never find out.

Animal Man and Captain Atom investigate the Nazi camp in Santa Cruz to discover it's been destroyed by some guy named The Wild Huntsman. He's anti-Nazi but he still battles Animal Man and Captain Atom because nobody takes a moment to ask, "Hey, are you antifa too?" I can't wait to read the letters about this issue. "Dear DC Comics, I am chagrined that you have chosen to portray all white people as Nazis. Shame on you for partaking in this kind of political nonsense. You should try to avoid politics or else you will lose half of your readers. The white half. Thank you. Brad Smith of Salinas, Kansas."

Captain Atom blasts The Wild Huntsman who goes down for good. So for good that Animal Man determines the man is in a coma. It looks like he's as mind-controlled as the rest of his Global Guardian buddies. Although if they're being mind-controlled to defeat Nazis, it can't be a bad thing, right? I guess the point is to make it seem like Justice League Europe are defending Nazis and Nazi groups by beating up the Global Guardians who were destroying them.

Whose idea was it to begin this entire series of a Justice League in Europe having to battle Nazis?! I'm yawning pretty hard over here.

Next it's a Power Girl and Rocket Red team-up! They head over to Frankfurt, Germany to question some Nazis where they find the Neo-Nazi headquarters already on fire. Whoever did it is a hero but Rocket Red is all, "I hope nobody is burning alive." Power Girl calls him a fucking Nazi sympathizer and he has to explain World War II history to her, being that she's an American. The only thing Americans know about World War II is that the Japanese sneak attacked us like sneaky motherfuckers and the Americans defeated Germany single-handedly.

I don't mean to sound racist and stereotypical but look at this motherfucking sneak attack!

I'm American so if I'm only slightly sounding racist and stereotypical, I'm doing pretty good!

Oh, maybe you didn't notice I was stereotyping because you had no way of knowing that the person attacking Power Girl and Rocket Red was Rising Sun of the Global Guardians. As everybody but Americans would know by his name, he's Japanese. I'm not usually this self-hating as an American but you wouldn't understand unless you had to live among all these stupid fucking assholes who don't fucking care about kids getting shot up in school. Every gun owner is complicit in every death. It's like if there were suddenly a rash of people entering schools and cutting off kids' heads with comic books and I refused to stop reading comic books. I'd be complicit because I'd care more about my stupid hobby than the lives of kids. Maybe that's not a fair comparison because my life would be so much better if I stopped reading comic books. I'm just looking for an excuse!

Rising Sun's power is to glow really bright and blow up. Is that irony? Is his power darkly ironic?! Anyway, he's brainwashed too and believes the Justice League are modern day Nazis. I'm pretty sure they aren't but we're only two issues in so I'm not going to jump to any conclusions.

Fast is right. According to The New 52's Worlds' Finest, Power Girl loves to stick her finger up the asses of her dates.


See?

Seeing these scans of comic books thirty years apart makes me think comics are worth five to six times more today.

Ha ha no not really.

Power Girl nearly takes Rising Sun's head off. She claims she "pulled her punch" but how much would she know to pull her punch? She and Rocket Red knew nothing about this guy. She could have beheaded him! Although we, the readers, know he was mind controlled and now he's basically in a coma like The Wild Huntsman.

Metamorpho, Elongated Man, and The Flash head to Dover, England, to look into a Neo-Nazi group. This superhero team up gets three members because two are basically redundant. Yes, I know "elongation" powers are way different than "can transform into any element" power but Metamorpho mostly just uses his power like he's a stretchy shapechanger.

Ralph could pass as normal if he didn't insist on keeping his neck three to twenty feet longer than normal.

Metamorpho was killed at the end of The Outsiders comic book when Doctor Jace turned out to be a Manhunter. But he's back because a meta(l)-gene bomb blew up in Invasion! recently and somehow brought him back. But he doesn't remember anything from the previous five years of his life. This being a comic book, that could mean he doesn't remember anywhere from 2 to 25 years of continuity.

Wally and Ralph go off to get snacks while Metamorpho hangs about to be attacked by a Savage Dragon look-a-like named Tuatara. I mean, Savage Dragon obviously stole his look because Image didn't exist yet. Tuatara knocks everybody overboard because it was on the cover. And then things get weird and disturbing.

What element naturally takes the shape of a giant penis and scrotum?

Metamorpho hardly cares about his elemental power at all. He just uses it as an excuse to become huge swimming dicks and flapping vaginas (I didn't scan the panel where he engulfs Tuatara in a huge labia trap).

Tuatara eventually falls unconscious like the other Guardians. Apparently the brainwashing to make them see every hero as a Nazi takes a heavy toll on them. On the way to shore, Ralph begins twitching his nose and everybody tells him to stop before they throw up on everything.

Man, I'm really sorry I got on your case, Sue. You're obviously super intelligent and don't love your husband at all.

The issue ends with Jack o' Lantern and Owl Woman discussing how they (along with their "queen" who I'm assuming is Queen Bee of Bialya doing all the mind control) and the Dome are back in business. Bad business!

Letters this issue are from Jack Cyclone of Albuquerque, New Mexico; Casey Gallagher of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Don Lambert Junior of Mechanicsville, Iowa; Marco Gonzales Ambriz of Old Mexico; T.A.P. of Burnaby, British Columbia; Tim Dunnahoo of Temple, Texas; John Egnew of Champaign, Illinois; and Mike Norris of Milpitas, California. Nobody mentions the Letterer. Or any of the other artists, really. All the letters this month are people writing in to say why they disagree or agree with the roster of Justice League Europe. All these letter writers must have creamed their jeans when the Internet became mainstream so they could spew all of their boring opinions straight out into the ether for free!

Don't you dare say I resemble that remark, you jerks!

Justice League Europe #2 Rating: C. I would have given this issue a better grade if The Elongated Man had refrained from stretching his disgusting neck. But since he did it right on the cover, I already knew this issue was going to be a huge loser. I wish he'd drowned.

Justice League Europe #1 (1989)

Sorry to be pedantic but it's not really déjà vu when you're holding the thing that's obviously the source of the thing you have an overwhelming feeling has happened before.

This team is going to be so fantastic! They've got all the super-hero stereotypes: the guy in armor, the funny guy who can change shape, the other funny guy who can change shape, the reluctant hero, the woman with the big tits, the other woman with the big tits, and the new guy who's still trying to shake the reputation of how boring the old guy was. Oh, and Captain Atom. I think he's the guy with the atomic stick up his butt. Guaranteed he will be making zero jokes.

I've also just noticed this team has two brunettes (or would that be a brunet and a brunette? Does anybody fucking care?), two blondes, two gingers, and two guys with silver heads. Also Power Girl's hair is scaring me. In a different way than her tits are scaring me.

I dare you to find an opening shot of Paris in a DC comic book that doesn't include the Eiffel Tower. I'll fucking buy that comic off you for fifty bucks if you find one.

Captain Atom has taken on the mantle of leader of the European division of the Justice League. To remind everybody that their headquarters is in Paris, Captain Atom thinks, "In Paris yet!", while looking at the Eiffel Tower through the window. I can already tell I'm going to be fucking sick of seeing the Eiffel Tower in this comic book. I know he's the leader and all (because he just told me) but I hope I don't have to look at Captain Atom too much while reading this comic book. He's so disturbing! He's just a mass of too much muscle with a small little testicular shaped bulge in front and a bare if silver ass. By the look of him, I'm fairly certain he's either naked or covered in a thin layer of plutonium. Which means he's lost his dick somewhere. I'm not saying I want to see him walking around with his cock hanging out like Doctor Manhattan but I do think it would be far less disturbing than not having one.

Captain Atom meets Catherine Cobert, the Paris Embassy Chief. That means she's the equivalent of either Max Lord or Oberon. She's French which means she's super sexy and horny. All Parisian women are constantly horny because no matter where they look, they see the giant metal erection that's a symbol of their city.

Ralph and Sue Dibny arrive and I'm sorry to see Captain Atom's disturbing crotch and muscular ass leave the page as I'm forced to watch Ralph Dibny's disgusting six foot long neck wrap about Sue like an outtake from a Hentai cartoon. Ralph is grossing me out so badly that I'm going to go read Identity Crisis right now just to make him super sad.

I'm surprised Power Girl and Wonder Woman didn't rip off more dicks back in the day.

My joke about Wonder Woman and Power Girl simply being the big tits on the team was satire attacking the way comic books often depict women as simply male fantasies so stop calling my a hypocrite! As you can see from the way The Flash is portrayed, I was spot on with my satiric critique. And while you might just want to get angry at everything you read without actually thinking about it, blaming the writer for not make their statement clear, maybe try not being such a lazy reader! Or such an angry reader! You don't have to be instantly angry at something! That's what those asshole Comicsgaters do! I know you're full of youthful passions but maybe, just maybe, you can rein those passions in a bit before flying off the handle at everybody, just in case. I know there's a lot of clout to exposing allies on the Internet! But that's why all y'all angry youths get it wrong so often. Because you've got to be the first to "deconstruct" some ally's beliefs, causing you to miss subtle and hilarious critiques of pop culture like when I said Wonder Woman was just a pair of big tits!

Anyway, my main point is leave me alone! If you think I said something terrible, just re-read it while thinking, "This isn't so terrible. It's actually the opposite of terrible!" See? Now you understand me!

Animal Man and Rocket Red get to know each other on the way to the Embassy. They're both family men with wives and kids. How come Ralph gets to bring Sue to stay in the Embassy but they don't get to bring their families? I mean, other than Dmitri's family is stuck in the USSR and Buddy's wife probably has a job back in California. Isn't she a photographer or something? Been way too long since I read my Animal Man comics.

I think I had a caption for this but my cat, Gravy, is sitting four inches from my face and staring at me and it's freaking me out a bit..

The first meeting of the Justice League Europe and notice anything weird about the group (other than Animal Man trying to stare down Power Girl's top)? That's right! None of them feel like they need to use their powers in the meeting except for that disgusting Ralph Dibny! Nobody wants to see a five foot long neck! It's fucking gross!

Am I the only one who has an issue with Ralph's neck constantly elongated? It might be the childhood trauma I suffered from this picture:

I used to slowly flip through an old hardcover copy we had of Carroll's book until the pages would flop to this page. It would freak me out and I'd close the book and drop it quickly. But sooner or later, I'd be compelled to pick it up and have another look.

Another thing I used to do as a kid that would scare the shit out of me but I felt compelled to engage in the behavior anyway: I would stand out in the family driveway after dark with a flashlight and shine the light into the starry sky. I assumed something somewhere out in space could see the light and might follow it back to its source. My arms would erupt in gooseflesh and I'd flick the flashlight off and run inside before I could be abducted. But eventually, I'd find myself out in the driveway again, shining the flashlight into the sky while nearly shitting myself.

The teleporters in the Paris Embassy aren't working and they wind up frying Animal Man's luggage. At least I hope it was his luggage and not his little girl on a surprise visit. I bet Morrison suggested that so he could have some really great drama in his Animal Man series but editorial was all, "Are you fucking crazy?! We can't kill his daughter! Maybe his wife?"

In no time, the League has a mystery: a man drops dead in their lobby while looking for their help.

Goddammit Ralph! Just fucking walk around to the other side of the body like everybody else, you fucking freak!

I need to remind myself not to eat before reading another issue of this because my stomach seriously can't take all of this long neck business.

Power Girl quickly becomes my favorite member when she speaks truth to power:

Sue Dibny deserves to die for finding this shit cute.

Look, I like Sue Dibny! But she is going to die and there's nothing I can do about that! So I'm trying to come to terms with her death by convincing myself that she deserved it! And if loving Ralph Dibny isn't a sin, then what is?!

Oh, that's right. Wally West's attitude toward women is definitely one.

Was Wally's "I'm going to try as hard as I can to get into Wonder Woman's leotard" attitude funny in 1989? I don't have any memory of it so I'm thinking it was probably just a mundane comment. Just part of the normal workplace dialogue which women had to suffer through every single day. And if a woman said, "Hey, I don't appreciate that shit, buddy?", they were labeled uptight or a snob or frigid or a bitch. Because, of course, the guy didn't think of himself as a creep so how could his comment have been creepy? It was just some light-hearted flirtatious banter, you know?! Lighten up!

One thing I have noticed is that both Wonder Woman and Power Girl seem to simply ignore his lewd come-ons. I'm sure they've learned that to speak out is to face the passive-aggressive wrath of male coworkers who, limiting the ability for self-reflection, simply label them a humorless woman.

I can't scan every panel after the one with The Flash hitting on Wonder Woman but I assure you that nobody tells The Flash he's being a fucking lech.

Meanwhile, a mysterious man in a trench coat stands outside the Embassy and pushes the button on a small device. The device is a rectangular piece of metal with one red button and an antenna. If he's not opening a garage door, he's up to something terrible.

Not long after the button is pushed, an angry French mob rushes the Embassy, screaming something about Nazi pigs. Maybe they heard The Flash's comments and, even in France, they were just too sexist.

Captain Atom's first reaction is to irradiate (or disintegrate!) the mob.

The head on the end of the thirty foot neck yells to its teammates to not hurt anybody because they're civilians. Metamorpho complains that they might hurt him instead of, you know, turning into some kind of harmless gas that would put them all to sleep. He must know how to do that, right?! He's the element man! You'd have to be an expert on elements to have that job. Unlike me who would panic and think, "I don't know! Does krypton put people to sleep?!" Then I'd probably turn into boron and bleach everybody's hair.

I just pointed out that I wouldn't know what I'm doing as The Element Man so don't bother sending me a message about how boron wouldn't do that! How the fuck would I know?!

Shit. I might have accidentally poisoned them all but at least I'd be trying to do something!

Metamorpho has the power to subdue them chemically or to change into a cage to keep them from hurting themselves or others. Instead, he just decides to take a nap on their heads. At least Ralph is subduing people even if he's making me sick with his fifty foot long neck.

I guess Wonder Woman lost her lasso because she needs to use something else she just found lying around the place.

Oh god. That's Ralph's dick, isn't it?

Some of you might be thinking, "Why would you think that's a dick?" To which I'd answer, "Never you fucking mind."

Eventually, the civilians simply top being mind-controlled and confusedly go back to wherever they came from. Probably a café or a brothel. What else is there in Paris?

Captain Atom learns that the man who died in their lobby croaking out his last word of "Braces!" was a Nazi. And the French hate Nazis! Which means they should love the Justice League because the Nazi died in their embassy! But instead, they hate the Justice League because the Nazi went to them for help? I don't know exactly how it all works but the point, I think, is that somebody is trying to make the Justice League uncomfortable in Paris! How rude!

If I knew what super-villains were known for being rude and inconvenient, I'd take a guess at who was responsible. Maybe Mr. Nobody and the Brotherhood of Dada?! No, that would make this series way too interesting.

This first issue has some letters from people who decided to respond simply to the announcement that this comic book was coming out. They are from Buddy Ingram of Trussville, Alabama; Bill Froberg of Easton, Pennsylvania; and Michael Pickens of Newark, Ohio. I'd be surprised if any of them praise the letterer since they haven't even read this first issue. Although I wished that they had. Froberg takes comic books way too seriously and is all, "If you don't listen to my suggestions, I will not read more than three of your comics." And then Pickens is all, "You will have to come to terms with the point I am making in my letter or else nobody will read your book." Christ, chill out, my dudes! You might think you have reasonable and rational arguments but just remember that the subject of those arguments are people who absolutely defy reality and are illogical arguments all in themselves!

Justice League Europe #1 Rating: B. Not a bad start although it felt a little bit like the introductory paragraph in a high school essay that always explains that the writer is about to write an essay and could easily be dropped without changing the essay in any way. This issue was lots of moving into the Embassy and members meeting for the first time and The Flash nearly taking his dick out of his pants (or maybe he did but it was just too quick for anybody to see?). Their first encounter with a villain happens to be exactly the thing I hate about superhero comic books: the villain is targeting the heroes themselves. Which means the heroes, so far, aren't needed! If the villains are targeting the heroes then the heroes don't exist to save the world. They simply exist to save themselves. That bothers me way more than Ralph Dibny's elongated neck (which fucking bothers me to hell and back).