Justice League Quarterly #5 (Winter 1991)

80 pages?! Dear God in Heaven, why? WHY DID YOU LET ME BUY THIS 33 YEARS AGO?!

I should probably do a little research into where the Justice League were in the winter of 1991. Judging by the cover, Silver Sorceress was still alive. Or was she? I don't know. Does it matter? Aren't these quarterlies just any old Justice League tale that never got told but some editor somewhere thought, "That's good enough to gouge readers for another $2.95 every three months!" That's barely hyperbole! Look at the roster down the side. A General Glory story? Who gives a shit? The Global Guardians? Nobody fucking cares! Fire and Ice? Well, okay, I'm here for that one. And also it reminds me I need to read their Smallville series that came out not too long ago that my friend JT keeps punching me in the balls about. That means he keeps telling me I need to read it because I will fucking love it and I believe him but I just haven't made it a priority in my life yet! Maybe in 2025! Life's goal in 2025: read a very specific comic book. I think I can do that!

The first story is by Mark Waid so it can't be too bad, can it? Not that I've read enough by Mark Waid to really have any opinion on his writing but I've heard good things! Although, to be fair, I've also heard people say good things about Scott Lobdell's writing. So I either have to admit that sometimes bad writers write something decent, or maybe other people aren't trustworthy enough to have their own opinions. Having never read anything decent by Scott Lobdell, I'm suspecting the latter half of the previous statement is true. Y'all just don't know what you're fucking talking about. Guys, maybe just leave the observations about reality to me, an expert. I don't want to hear about how you remember some of Lobdell's X-men run fondly. You were probably a stupid kid with an incomplete brain and a hot mom. Just try to forget those obviously false memories and listen to your Uncle (or Aunt? I don't know) Tess. I'll tell you just how terrible Lobdell is. And also how hot your mom is. Does she have an email?

Who is this kid? Why should I care about him? He's a robot, isn't he?

That's how the story begins. The mailman is definitely a robot. I saw the other half of his face and it's like a broken toaster. The cool thing about a broken toaster is that it's like every other mechanical device you can think of: they don't make toast. But there's a downside there somewhere. Also, I could be wrong. Can a Cybertruck make toast? I mean on purpose?

I know everybody is different but I've never had a conversation this long with my mailman. The longest conversation was probably some years back when my good feline buddy Judas was still alive. I had gone two houses down to bring him in from the yard he decided he loved to hang out in as an old man. As I was walking past the neighbor's house between, the mailman was coming down the walk. He saw me carrying Judas lovingly, smiled, and said, "Oh! He hissed at me!" I laughed and said, "Yeah, he doesn't like people." Re-telling that story, I probably should have just hissed at the mailman too.

Something Twilight Zone-esque is taking place in this town as those guys in the suits and crew cuts on the cover go marching down the street to remove somebody from the town. But that's all we get! Time to learn our days of the week! Thanks, Mark Waid! I've been having some trouble with Blurtsday!

Even if I could figure out the memory trick Waid is using to remember the days of the week, how do I remember Thursday?!

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday all collapse, falling into a coma after an encounter with one of the crew cutted men in suits. That's okay though because even by 1991, nobody gave a shit about Geoforce, Valor, and Red Star. Sure, Valor was about to start his own ongoing book that would last for two years. But nobody gave a shit about it. Double sure, I bought it too. But I didn't care about Valor! I was just into buying new comic books! Okay, maybe my assessment of Valor's popularity was wrong. But even if Geoforce wasn't universally regarded as the most boring member of The Outsiders, Red Star was definitely a three hour trip to Snoozeville. Even in Wolfman's Titans, Red Star was more boring than Cyborg when Cyborg lost his personality and was left a broken toaster.

Hey! I know a cool fact about broken toasters!

Back to Thursday, it stars Blue Beetle and Guy Gardner reading DC's version of Weekly World News until they discover the weekday mnemonic for Thursday.

Thursday: Rebis.

No wait. I stand corrected. This is from the Weekly World News (see? It's teaching us about the week!) so I bet Rebis was Sunday. Thursday actually turns out to be Starman who nearly crashes on top of Blue Beetle and Guy Gardner which totally would have killed Blue Beetle. They take him to J'onn so he can examine him and see if he can get his dick hard. Hmm, well, he does examine Starman but he doesn't do the thing where he tries to get his dick hard. Isn't that a standard part in a physical examination?

Oh no. I think I just had a breakthrough.

J'onn believes the culprit behind heroes having their powers stolen is Professor Ivo, the jerk who built Amazo. He calls together a team to investigate: Blue Beetle, Guy Gardner, Elongated Man, Silver Sorceress, Power Girl, Rocket Red, The Flash, Ice, and Metamorpho. So basically Justice League Europe, really. And Blue Beetle winds up being useless because the plan is to use their various super-powered members as bait to lure Amazo's power stealing, suit wearing robots.

Everybody partners up so that nobody gets taken unawares and poor Ice and Power Girl wind up with Guy Gardner. They walk right into one of Amazo's robots who instantly steals Power Girl's power. I guess he probably can't steal Guy's power since it comes from the ring and why would he want Ice's power?

You know what? I feel bad for saying that! One of the main themes of this story that I just skipped over because I thought it was Ice just feeling sorry for herself was how she's decided to head home because nobody respects her power. She's the Aquaman of the current League. J'onn tried to give her a pep talk that was actually a bit insulting because instead of saying, "No, no! Your powers are amazing!", he kept saying things like, "You give the League heart!" and "You give the League soul!" She's not the League's cheerleader, J'onn! I guess you can't expect a Martian to understand how to cheer up a human.

You definitely can't expect Guy Gardner to understand how to cheer up a human. What an asshole!

Ice is the only person on the League who can stand you, you stupid fucking ragehole! Treat her with respect! How the hell did I ever like this guy?! No, no. Don't say that, me! I know exactly why I liked him: because comic books are written by various writers and they all write the characters in slightly different ways. You can't expect every writer to write a character in the manner that you would like! Some writers see Guy Gardner and treat him with respect, trying to understand his anger issues and his brain trauma, like when Charles Soule wrote Guy in Red Lanterns. And some writers see Guy as the raging fucking monster he is and turn him into an abusive boyfriend who should have had his dick torn off by Batman instead of just punched in the face. Like, um, Mark Waid here! When Dan Vado was writing him (that's in the future as far as this issue is concerned!), I hated it because he just made Guy a major sex pest who wouldn't leave any of the women alone. Later, it turned out it was a Guy Gardner robot but I think editorial was all, "Dude. That's not the way Guy is an asshole. Yes, he acts like a womanizer. But he doesn't go around grabbing pussies and hinting that he can't wait to do anal to an Amazon." (I just made that last one up. Don't go looking for it. Although, hell, it might be in there somewhere!) But this might be the worst Guy's ever been Guy'd! The way he shits on Ice here is pure domestic abuse! It's awful! It's so extreme! If Guy's various attitudes were data sets to determine just how much of a dick he is, this one would have to be ignored as an outlier. I'm going to forget I ever read it even!

Guy gets smashed in the back of the head by a hunk of ice when the Amazo robot breaks out of the block. Maybe he'll be nice again when he gains consciousness!

The robot ignores Ice because, well, you know. We don't have to keep saying it. She already feels as bad as she can feel about her shitty powers. Instead of trying to follow the robot by making an ice slide because DC might get sued by Marvel, Ice decides to steal Guy's ring and become a Green Lantern for the day. She can't outright steal it but she does wish she could use it and Guy hears her wish as he passes out and passes the ring on to her. See? Guy's nice again!

This might sound sexist because it is but does Ice really need to be useful with an ass like that? Um, asking for my super sexist friend.

Using the ring when she could have used an ice slide, Ice follows Ivo's robot to an island far off the coast. There she discovers Ivo's home: an idyllic little village full of robots trying to be human and not making any toast at all. Being that Ice has no willpower because she's full of self-loathing exacerbated by people like Guy and Beetle and Booster and even Fire (who is often patronizing), she can't do anything to stop Ivo or his robots. She does manage to make the ring disappear so that Ivo doesn't take it but that's probably because that's kind of a self-loathing power. She winds up getting thrown in a cell and forgotten about.

Meanwhile, Guy Gardner points out that he can track his ring with his power battery which enables the League to follow Ice to Ivo's hideout. See? Ice is helpful! Plus she psychoanalyzes Ivo while the rest of the League bumble around the island.

Ivo wants to kill himself?! But there wasn't a self-harm warning on the cover!

I hope this story ends with J'onn J'onzz speaking directly to the reader and saying, "If you or anybody you know feels like eating a shotgun, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at the following number! Remember, it gets slightly better! Sometimes."

Basically, if the League hadn't gotten involved, Ivo's robots would simply kill him and nobody would have to worry about Ivo ever again. But I guess the world would lose Geoforce, Red Star, Valor, Rebis, Starman, and Power Girl as well. I'd like to say it's worth it but I can't accept the loss of Rebis. So I guess this story did need to be told and the League did need to get involved. So that Rebis can live! Also so that Ice can gain some self-confidence when she saves the day and everybody exclaims, "Yay! Ice's ass is super fantastic!"

The huge battle depicted on the cover finally breaks out which I almost praised as being a cover that didn't lie about the story inside. But I can't do that, can I, friends? Can you see where the cover artist made a mistake? Hmm? Can you? That's right. Guy has his ring on the cover and is using it! Shame on you, DC! Lying to your fans once again. I only purchased this comic book to see Guy use his ring like on the cover and he doesn't even have it.

During the battle, Silver Sorceress and Elongated Man share a joke that I actually enjoy. But then immediately following that humorous moment, Professor Ivo tells Ice all about how his mother died when he was in college and he never visited her because he was afraid of death and now he was so more afraid of death than the average everybody, he became immortal but now because he looks ugly and his organs hurt, he's not afraid of death anymore and he wants mommy. Who hurt you, Mark Waid? Was it your mother? When you were in college? And she died? And you became immortal?

That was my impression of a reader who doesn't understand how fiction writing works! Thank you, thank you! Instead of throwing roses, you can just send cash!

During the fight, Martian Manhunter takes the absolute piss out of Blue Beetle for no fucking reason at all.

Cut to Blue Beetle watching on a monitor in the Bug, tears silently filling up his goggles.

Why would Ivo's Man-in-Black Amazo want to go after Blue Beetle in particular? He has no powers to steal so why focus on him? Martian Manhunter going this hard on a ploy that shouldn't have actually worked just seems cruel. My guess is that Blue Beetle ate so many of J'onn's Oreos when Ted was fat that J'onn still resents him for it.

This story only has seven pages left so I'm going to assume that smashing Ivo's robot with a train destroyed it. Another one gets taken out in an even weaker way by Silver Sorceress, Elongated Man, and Guy Gardner.

Since when does Guy aim to please? Have I been reading the wrong Guy Gardner appearances?

Silver Sorceress could have sent the robot to her old homeworld but I guess she's trying to be more responsible about sending automata to different worlds. So she just teleports it a dozen meters away so that it crashes through a power line and, I guess, shorts out. That's two down! I hope the third one gets taken out by Blue Beetle scrunching up his face and hunching up his back and slicing his dick down the middle while yelling, "Look at me! I'm a Martian freak! Don't you want my power to beat everything except a Bic Lighter and a Toaster Oven!"

I'm assuming J'onn's Martian penis is bifurcated. I don't have any proof of it. It doesn't explicitly describe J'onn's penis in the Who's Who for some reason.

Meanwhile, Immortan Ivo continues his tale of woe to Ice. He explains that he's becoming a living statue and that scares him more than becoming a decaying corpse. Weird. Neither seems ideal but I think I'd try the statue thing for a few million years, see how it pans out.

Ivo jams a screwdriver into his urethra to prove he's hard as iron. Ice fails her Sanity saving throw and now she has a new kink.

Blue Beetle fails to stop a robot which isn't surprising and I'm not even sure why I mentioned it. At least he doesn't die. But I shouldn't be too hard on Beetle because, actually, everybody failed to stop the robots. Hitting them with a train didn't do it. Teleporting them into a power line didn't do it. Capturing them in a lead ball didn't do it. Screaming like a dying rabbit while one pushes a house on top of you didn't do it. They're as immortal as Professor Ivo!

Ivo decides he's had enough explaining why he wants to die and he orders the robots back to him to kill him. The Justice League have to watch them walk away because now they need to save the powerless Blue Beetle and Guy Gardner from the civilian robots about to slaughter them.

The doctors told his mother that? As she was killed by six super-powered robots?!

When somebody's dying of cancer, do people often glibly point out to them that nobody should have to die like that? It's true, I guess. But it presupposes there are ways that people should have to die. But wait! Hear me out! What if nobody ever had to die? Has anybody thought of that yet (aside from Professor Ivo and Victor Frankenstein)?! I bet death already has been cured but probably by racists. So they're all, "If we put this out on the market, we can't just sell it to white people! Every race will become immortal!" And all the racists were all, "We'd rather die." Jerks!

Ivo's plan doesn't work. The robots just wind up killing themselves while he still lives. Ice's prison is destroyed in the blast and she comes out to comfort the man. That's when she accidentally cures him of his immortality with the Green Lantern ring. She doesn't kill him! She just releases him from the pain of his organs hardening. Guy Gardner assures everybody that what she did was impossible and he's never been able to make his ring heal afflictions. Maybe he should let Ice keep the ring? The team needs a Green Lantern bashing heads far less than somebody who could constantly provide medical aid during a fight!

Professor Ivo gladly goes to prison where he'll probably die before getting out again. How is that better than living forever?! Ivo really is nuts. Although I am ignoring the massive amount of pain that he's constantly in. I hear that'll drive people to wish for death. It would drive me to wish for a way to stop feeling pain that also kept me alive though. Like Ice making a wish on a Green Lantern ring. Then I'd be all, "I didn't cause all the trouble! My robots did that on their own! See this community I made? It's gentle and loving and idyllic! Those stupid business robots went crazy the way business people do! I'm innocent!" Then J'onn would have read my mind and been all, "You're coming with me, you monster."

The next story is a Fire and Ice story and it looks like, um, it might be about suicide as well? What the fuck, Justice League Quarterly?!

Or misogynist incel murder. But that probably ends in suicide anyway.

This story asks the burning question of our time: can an old man become a spree killing incel? Bill Loebs seems to think the answer is "Of course! Who wouldn't go nuts with a pistol if Ice refused to fuck you?!"

This issue is really going hard on the idea that Ice has to support everybody emotionally. Stop trauma dumping on my girl!

In this story, we learn that Fire flames on when she orgasms.

I guess editor Brian Augustyn doesn't perform oral sex on women or he never would have let this joke through.

We also learn that Ice's main super power is stopping people from killing themselves.

Are the winter issues always this dark?

What we don't learn is that Ice is irritatingly nice because we already knew that. We aren't reminded that she has a great ass because she's wearing big old shorts the entire time.

Do I even need to mention the final two stories and what we learned from them? Does anybody even want to learn anything more about General Glory and the Global Guardians? Maybe I should just pretend that I read them and scan a few panels and bullshit my way through explaining them! No, no! That wouldn't be right. I'm certainly not going to do that at all.

The main conflict in the Global Guardians is Godiva's front wedgie.

Why would she shave her pubic hair and deny herself the extra fighting power?

After Tuatara helps Godiva pull out the front wedgie, disaster strikes!

A wild back wedgie appears!

Realizing she can't tackle this problem along, Godiva forms a group for Constant Wedgie Sufferers.

With the help of a woman in loose clothing and conversation bashing males, Godiva's wedgies are cured! The End!

I mean Godiva's problem is cured later! She's still suffering from wedgies at that first meeting depicted above.

Does anybody even care about the General Glory story? No? You all hate him too? Okay, good, because he was killed in this story.

Is there any reason I can't adopt "Heil Hitler, suckers!" as my new catch phrase when I cropdust somebody at a Con?

Justice League Quarterly #5 Rating: --. When I was younger, I loved getting an 80 page comic book! But now I pick one up and sigh. They're too long. They're usually some kind of collection of throwaway stories that don't matter at all to canon or the characters themselves. Often they're full of stories written or drawn by newbies to the company and it shows. And these quarterlies always feel they need to highlight characters that don't get as much attention in the pages of Justice League, or were just side characters in various stories that nobody needed a chance to catch up with. I guess they can be fun and these probably were fun the first time I read them when I was eager to read as much comic book shit as possible. But now I just want to pretend I don't have five more Quarterlies to go! I think I'll space them out so I don't completely burn out and stop reading, writing, thinking, and enjoying stuff for the next few years. It's happened before! Why do you think I barely wrote anything on and off for the last few years? I was burned out and also I got addicted to watching gambling streams on Twitch. I guess that's better than being addicted to gambling itself but thinking about the time I spent watching hurts my soul. Man, just mentioning them makes me want to go check some out! Maybe just for a few minutes!

Justice League Europe #12 (March 1990)

Does making the word "son" bold and bright green change the meaning of this adage in a way that my genius blinds me to?

Sometimes in life, you might feel stupid but never admit that it's caused by your own ignorance and stupidity. Instead, try saying, "My genius often blinds me to more mundane or exoteric ideas!" Then you sound really smart because you used a word like "exoteric"! Except most people only know it's opposite, "esoteric," so they'll probably think you meant that and continue to believe you're an idiot, both because you said "esoteric" wrong and used it incorrectly! But really they're the dumbies! Although there's little satisfaction in knowing the person who thinks you're dumb is really the dumb one because they're too dumb to ever appreciate the irony.

Man I hope I used irony correctly there! I knew I was going to have trouble in life taking English 101 from Professor Morissette.

The last issue of Justice League Europe ended with The Metal Men confronting Metamorpho, probably because that's just the kind of idea you'd expect from editors at a DC pitch meeting. "What if Metamorpho, who can change into any element at all, battled Will Magnus's butt inserts, the masters of being specific elements?!" "Boy, that sounds super exciting, Dooley! Just the kind of genius idea that has kept DC the second biggest comics publisher in America! Way to go!"

That second line of dialogue sounded sarcastic but the speaker was really just being earnest and naïve. Earnest because the speaker is absolutely thrilled to be the second biggest publisher and naïve because there really were just two publishers to speak of in 1990. Oh, and also because he thought the idea sounded great!

I just spent about five minutes searching for naked pictures of Metamorpho on the Internet because I wanted to see what's going on down there under the Speedo. Either I have suddenly become terrible at Internet searches or Metamorpho's dong just doesn't exist, even in the deviant imagination of the entire planet's collective unconscious.

I suppose I could have just Googled "Metamorpho fucking Sapphire" but I have some class, Sir. I was looking for a non-sexualized image of his junk!

This is probably one of those images that got Fredric Wertham's mid-century underwear in a twist. But since it's Guy Gardner who has been thrashed to a pulp with some obvious injuries to his eyes, I'm going to side with Wertham on this one. This image should be illegal!

Mostly the previous image should be illegal because how dare Loebs, Giffen, and Sears depict Guy Gardner as somebody who gets his ass beat! He should be doing the beating of asses! Do you think DC often gets letters about thirty year old comic book issues because I'm about to vent my spleen so hard right now!

The Metal Men apparently approach every situation the way American cops do: they approach an individual with massive numbers, declare that they don't want to be violent but will if provoked, and then spit out a bunch of conflicting directions and attitudes. Iron is all, "We don't like violence but will defend ourselves if need be!" And Mercury is all, "Let's kick his ass!" And Gold is all, "Move away from the baby or we'll see that as us being provoked." And Lead is all, "We're going to beat the shit out of you but this is a Comics Code approved comic so I had to say sulfur instead of shit!" Platinum just looks on in horror as she no doubt is thinking about the way Will Magnus created several extra orifices on her alone.

I don't remember what Tin was doing because fuck Tin. Nobody cares about Tin. He's skinny, ugly, and less useful than aluminum. How had Will Magnus not scrapped him by 1990?!

See? American cops! "We don't want violence!" and "Don't provoke us!" simply means "Respect us no matter what we do and any sign of a rebellious nature will be seen as a provocation. Plus sometimes we don't even need a sign because we can tell if you're probably going to disrespect us."

Metamorpho and the Metal Men fight for a bit during which I'm fairly certain Metamorpho murders Tin.

That's definitely a robot corpse.

Meanwhile in Russia, Silver Sorceress uses her powers to escape the Russian gulag she and Blue Jay have been imprisoned in. She opens a portal to their devastated home world and leaves Earth. Blue Jay elects to stay because this Earth hasn't been destroyed and still has things like food and water. He escapes using his lame power to turn into a bird-sized man with wings. No way the Russians will catch somebody that powerful!

The currently emotionally crippled Animal Man and the perky if dim Rocket Red were knocked out by Guy last issue which is why they aren't helping Metamorpho. But Sapphire brings them around with her desperate whining for them to save Rex. But after they come to, and Animal Man does some serious whinging on about his dead kids, Java arrives. Being a caveman, he only knows one way to interact with others: club them to death. So a new battle begins just outside the observation window to Rex's son's room which is housing its own battle royale.

In the chaos, the baby's mechanical babysitter tentacle arms go haywire and toss the baby across the room. Java catches it and discovers just why the baby has been locked away from everyone: it has the power to transform other things into different elements. Java is fucked. But it's only a baby! It doesn't know what elements are! So Java's arms are now some kind of primordial slop.

Maybe it isn't as bad as it looks.

Everybody stops fighting because Java can't throw any more punches and the Metal Men are all, "Oh that's your baby? Um, uh, whoops?"

Simon Stagg appears to threaten everybody with law suits when Rex shoves the baby into his arms. Stagg screams in terror and his underwear fills up with slop but the baby has nothing to do with it. He, along with Sapphire and Rex, is immune to the baby's power. He holds his grandson and falls in love with it (which is the most unbelievable part of the entire comic book). Everybody celebrates Rex for being a hero and saving the day with compassion while Rex mutters and pouts because the kid had no effect on Stagg. So I guess everything turned out fine! Especially since Will Magnus made some robot arms for Java. Hopefully they don't have their own personalities. Plus I think Tin is definitely dead since that panel I scanned was the last time he's seen in the comic book.

And, yes, Tin being dead is part of "everything turned out fine."

Animal Man decides to take a leave of absence since he's dealing with a whole Grant Morrison plot over in his own comic book. And Rocket Red's family arrives from Russia. So now there's a couple of kids running around the embassy for Wally to play with.

Justice League Europe #12 Rating: A. Not a bad issue although—and I'd hate to say I hate belaboring a point seeing as how much I really love to belabor points—the only problem the Justice League actually deals with, like Wolfman's Titans, is family issues. But at least there's a big battle which includes Platinum yelling at Metamorpho for touching her tits. And the ultimate goal of the story was to give Simon Stagg a Grinch's change of heart. So now he wants to help humanity because he loves his grandson so much! Are you puking at the sentiment as much as I am? Probably not. I bet you think it's wonderful, you loser. And for the beta (cuck) story arc, Buddy Baker leaves the team for family reasons and Dmitri gains his family back. Oh, if only I had a heart to truly appreciate this nonsense!

Justice League Europe #11 (February 1990)

Can somebody explain to the characters of the DC Universe that Guy Gardner has brain damage so they'll stop beating the shit out of him for his abrasive personality which stems from the brain damage?! I'm really getting anxious about all this violence against a disabled person!

I've never been any good at seeing the relationship between the penciller and the inker in comic books. But this might be a good example for me of how other people do notice the differences when certain artists are inked by other artists. Based on Animal Man's mouth, I'd say Kevin Maguire was the penciller of this cover. But the overall finish isn't up to Maguire's standards (which can be a bit on the cartoonish side (which I love!)). It looks like Bart Sears came in and knocked the cartoon out of Maguire's art in favor of his more rough-edged style. Of course, it could be the other way around too! But I'm pretty sure if Sears penciled this, it would feel more like Sears with a bit of Maguire's cartoony edge tacked on. What I'm trying to say is I used to never understand how anybody could tell what the fuck an inker added to a project. But now I understand! If your penciller is really good and the inker is terrible, the art is worse! But if the penciller is really bad and the inker is great, the art is somewhat better than you'd expect! So simple!

This issue begins with Metamorpho deciding he's going to go see his kid no matter what Simon Stagg thinks. And he also wants to "see" Sapphire no matter what her caveman husband thinks. He doesn't care what Sapphire thinks because he basically calls her a dumb blonde while working himself up into a raging mixture of frothy chemicals. The reader is probably thinking, "Poor Rex! Being kept away from his child! This is absolutely the story to concentrate on!" And then the scene changes and Dmitri is all, "Hey, Animal Man, why are you at work when your wife and kids were so recently killed?" Holy fucking shit! How am I supposed to concentrate on Rex's story now that I know Buddy Baker has come to work to forget about his dead kids for awhile?! Hey, writer and editors! Maybe don't mention that shit! Or, at the very least, stick an editor's note that says, "The following story takes place before Animal Man's entire family was slaughtered and he has a mental breakdown in which he meets some guy named Grant Morrison!"

Metamorpho makes a big show in front of Animal Man, Rocket Red, and Captain Atom about how he's going to go see his very much still alive and kicking child. He also more than hints at the amount of violence he's going to do to the child's grandfather as he storms out. This leads Captain Atom's brain to slowly whir into motion as it puzzles out who that might be. When he realizes Metamorpho might be about to kill Simon Stagg, he freaks out at how much bad press that will bring to the Justice League. So Animal Man volunteers to keep an eye on him and Rocket Red volunteers to keep an eye on Animal Man. Man, I hope Rocket Red doesn't get some tragic news about his family in a few pages.

Ugh. Confirmed that Guy Gardner voted for Donald Trump. Twice.

There is no way an ex-social worker and teacher of kids with disabilities would simp for Simon Stagg. No wonder Guy was rebooted in The New 52 to be an ex-police officer! I don't like Guy Gardner being an ex-cop because cops suck dirty buttholes but it fits his abrasive, aggressive personality better than "a really decent but boring guy who suffered some serious brain trauma."

Guy volunteers to protect Stagg from Metamorpho for two reasons: he gets to punch somebody in the face while feeling heroic and also he gets to punch somebody in the face. No wait! Three reasons: he wants to eat Simon Stagg's man cream.

Now I'm suddenly hungry for a Ding Dong.

Meanwhile in Moscow, a Russian guy named Joseph with actual emotions (something we were just discovering Russians had in 1990 thanks to the fall of the Berlin Wall and Billy Joel's song about meeting that clown. Before that, we just had Sting hoping the Russians loved their kids too) has decided to help Blue Jay and the Silver Sorceress escape the metahuman gulag they've been imprisoned in since they tried to save the world from nuclear Armageddon (because, as I noted, nobody was sure the Russians loved their kids enough not to start World War III). He's arrested but he drops some magic potion that will help the heroes of Earth-Marvel-Parody escape their cell.

Speak of the Russian devils! This issue is called "Family Ties" so that's probably Dmitri's family headed for Paris!

Now I'm suddenly hungry for Mallory Keaton!

Simon Stagg, according to the headline on a newspaper Captain Atom was reading, has recently produced a new super fuel that can change the world. But little does anybody know, the fuel is just Metamorpho's baby's shit. And to keep the baby shitting out profits, Simon Stagg has hired the responsometer boofing scientist, Will Magnus. And as we all know, scientists are completely amoral when it comes to science so keeping a baby locked up in an experimental box which maintain the correct conditions for it to shit super fuel is not a problem! Especially when you've got Platinum's responsometer whirring away eight inches up your rectum.

Guy Gardner busts in on Stagg and Magnus's nefarious business meeting to warn them that Metamorpho is on the way.

"I'd prefer not to remove the responsometers from my anal cavity but am willing if it becomes necessary."

To Guy's credit, he doesn't defend Simon Stagg's kidnapping a child; Guy simply doesn't believe Stagg would even do that. So, you know, typical conservative: conveniently ignore reality, create excuses and defenses for terrible people, and ready to believe the worst of those who speak the truth about their heroes.

First Rex visits Sapphire because how should he know the baby is kept in an Imipolex egg? He knocks out Java because good and then Sapphire points out what a jerk he was to wait so long to come see her and the baby. They make it seem like she's being emotional and unreasonable but I'm on Sapphire's side! Rex knows how she feels manipulated by her father and he just let Simon Stagg take her away and lock her back up with the caveman. Instead Rex decided to pity himself and pout about it for weeks. He forgave Batman faster than he forgave Sapphire! It's possible the image of Sapphire willingly sucking down fat caveman cock put him off a bit. Although that's kind fo the point, right?! I don't think it was all that willing! Fucking Rex should have stood up for Sapphire as soon as she sought him out!

Sapphire takes Rex to the factory where his son is being kept and learns that his son has the ability to transform anything he touches into any element. So technically he really does need to be isolated because he's a danger to everybody and everything. But technically he doesn't have to be helping to make Simon Stagg even richer. Metamorpho, who is already every element, isn't afraid to hold his baby so he decides to break the kid out of isolation. Dmitri and Buddy try to stop him so he knocks them unconscious before running into Guy Gardner.

Everybody goes on and on about the the ring being the most powerful weapon in the universe and yet you could beat Guy senseless with a whiffle ball bat.

Metamorpho beats the shit out of Guy Gardner because Guy is often written as being overly reliant on his muscles and aggression even though he's not actually an idiot. So once his ring's power can't touch Metamorpho, he decides to just brawl with a guy made out of metal and pays the price. But before Metamorpho can rescue his kid, he smells Magnus ass behind him. The Metal Men have come to stop him!

Justice League Europe #11 Rating: B. Metamorpho and Guy Gardner are two of my favorite characters so even though this issue had next to nothing to do with the Justice League Europe or saving the world, I enjoyed it. And I don't mind seeing Guy get his ass kicked if it's by one of my other favorite characters! What I don't like is how Rex acted toward Sapphire though. He could maybe be a bit more sympathetic to her plight! She's practically a prisoner of her father Stagg. It's not like Sapphire chose to marry Java; it's just another way for Stagg to control her. When Simon sees Rex breaking into the lab, one of the first things he does is kill Sapphire's access to her bank account. Hopefully Metamorpho will realize how huge an ass he's been and they'll all live happily together in the European embassy with Rocket Red's kids and Buddy Baker's memories of his kids.

Justice League Europe #10 (1990)

Judging by Power Girl's nipple, she's got tiny areolas.

After noticing Power Girl's nipple, I then realized Bart Sears draws The Golden Girls version of Power Girl and now I can't stop thinking about Bea Arthur's tits. I often think about how much I hate my body because it's only there to provide a home for my consciousness but I know one day it will betray me and fail to provide adequate living conditions for the essential me. And then I realize, "Wait a second. What has my body ever done to me? It's my fucking brain that treats me like shit! I never asked to think about Bea Arthur's nipples!" In much the same way I eventually matured and realized that I shouldn't hold any grudges with my mother because the reason my mother and I had such a tempestuous relationship was that she actually stuck around to raise me, doing all of the hard work to keep me alive, and my father, whom I had a friendly relationship with, ditched me when I was two and should actually have all the fucking grudges, I think I've finally realized I should have loved my body way more than my brain all along! Fucking tratior. Piece of shit asshole. I'm no longer feeding you literature, you gray douche! I'm going to hang out with my dick all day from now on!

I just realized the cover says "Story by Giffen and DeMatteis" but really the story is by "Giffen and Loebs" and I wonder how angry Bill Loebs was when he saw the cover of this...oh, you know what? I bet he didn't give a fuck. Look at how shit this cover is? I'd want somebody else's name on it too. Did somebody pitch this as the cover or did Bart Sears have carte blanche to do what he wanted?

Rocket Red: "What is stuff falling from sky?"
Power Girl: "I don't know! What is this?!"
Captain Atom: "Look at my posture! How would I know?!"
Rocket Red: "Picture me looking at butterfly and saying, 'Is this money?' Because being from 80s Russia, I am broke."

I know the cover of this comic book says "Jan 90" but remember that the date on the cover of the comic was always a few months ahead of reality. So this comic book probably came out before the Berlin Wall fell! Oh, maybe that's why all that money is falling from the sky! Some kind of metaphor about capitalism raining down on the rest of the world! Also our puritanical Christian bullshit which is why the Comics Code Authority logo is also raining down from the sky.

Okay, Loeb, I get it! You'd rather be writing crime novels instead of comic books!

None of that opening narration makes any real sense. "A warm, moist Parisian evening" just makes me think I'm having sex with a prostitute three days past her last shower. And the scent of money like a thrilling drug? Have you ever smelled money? It's fucking disgusting! I once found a rolled up one dollar bill and sniffed it hoping there were some residual coke particles on it and all I did was inhale the smell of the paper and ink of it and had a fucking migraine for five hours after. Unless that was from the residual PCP on the bill. Or maybe the dollar had been rolled up to easily slide up somebody's asshole earlier that day? Anyway, that's all speculation! What is not speculation is that I smelled money and I fucking paid the price. Not thrilling. Besides, "the scent of money is like a thrilling drug" makes the least sense of anything I've read today and I've read at least three Elon Musk tweets from The Last of Dying Twitter's Twitter account. So you know this makes no sense at all! I suppose Loeb is trying to say the lure of the money, or the possibility of large sums of cash, is a thrilling prospect, so much so that it's like an addictive drug, pulling and luring you into what will definitely be future trouble.

This issue is called "After the Fox" so I guess we're finally going to get a sexy member for Justice League Europe! I know, I know: that's Animal Man erasure.

Bruce Wayne is in Paris to attend a World Food Organization event to raise money for, well, food, I guess. The host is a mysterious woman named Vivian D'Aramis whom we learn so much about in two pages that you'd have a railroad spike through your head not to realize she's Crimson Fox (or Red Fox or Le Renard Roux or whatever). I hope the ancestors of that guy who got the railroad spike through his head which completely changed his personality aren't reading this because I don't want to offend anybody! The whole point of using the railroad spike through the head metaphor was to avoid using the R-slur and offending everybody!

Maybe in much the way I use the phrase "barn owl" as a secret wink to readers in the know that I'm using an offensive term, I should use "railroad spike through the head" to replace that other word but in a way where I'm winking in a really fast and distracting way to indicate what I really mean but also so that anybody watching me would think, "What's wrong with that spaz?" But they'd probably have to replace "spaz" with something like "guy acting like he just took the six foot drop with a noose around his neck" so nobody online tsk-tsks them for offensive word choices.

A bomb goes off, knocking the gigantic globe filled with money off the stage and sending it careening into the crowd! People will be killed! This is a job for Batman! But Batman is all, "I don't know. I could save them but at the cost of my identity? I don't know. If they're crushed, it's not like me not saving them is equivalent to me killing them, no matter how many Parisian philosophers point out that, yes, actually, it is."

Just in case anybody reading this comic book didn't know Bruce Wayne was Batman, Bart Sears shits out this terrible panel. Thanks, Bart!

Bruce chickens out and decides not to blow his cover while wondering where that fucking barn owl Vivian ran off to. Obviously she's no coward and went to get into her sexy fox costume to save the day, even at the risk of her secret identity being blown. Because, Bruce, some things are more important than your little set of stupid hero rules. I wonder if her parents were killed in a dark alley so that trauma ruled her life until the day a red fox smashed through her sitting room window and she yelled, "Sacre bleu! I shall become a fox because criminals are a cowardly lot and foxes are scary to like 5% of the population!"

The enormous glass ball smashes its way out of the building without breaking because who wouldn't use a bullet proof globe if you were going to fill it with money? That's like "Big Dumb Displays of Wealthy Charity 101"! After the globe crashes onto a car in the street and comes to a stop, a helicopter swoops in and grabs it with a crane on the first try! I bet that pilot owns like five thousand cheaply made Bart Simpsons dolls. But not to worry! Crimson Fox is on the scene to re-save all the starving people of the world! You know, first by collecting all the donations as her secret identity and second by recovering all the donations as Crimson Fox! She's a true billionaire philanthropist with severe trauma expressing itself in an ostentatiously public death wish display. Not like that cowardly Bruce Wayne!

Maybe it's just me, being an American and needing everything to smash me over the head because I don't understand subtlety, but she doesn't remind me of a fox nor is she crimson.

The helicopter pilot's name is Gaston which is funny because Beauty and the Beast wasn't out yet! Obviously I don't know the definition of the word 'funny.'

Bruce Wayne, feeling more impotent than when The Joker smashed Jason Todd in the face with a crowbar, watches as Crimson Fox tries to save the day. He eventually resorts to alerting Justice League Europe about the theft which is pretty telling that that's basically his last option. I keep thinking that I've bottomed out on how much I can despise Bruce Wayne/Batman and yet almost every time I read or re-read something where the writers obviously believe they're nailing his personality and character, I hate him a little bit more. I love terrible characters too but at least the terrible characters I love know they're terrible! Like Lobo and The Demon! The Batman is a fucking self-righteous, judgmental piece of shit. The only way I can cope with Batman existing as he does in the DC Universe is to believe that Alfred Pennyworth sticks his junk in every meal he makes for Bruce.

Before Batman's signal can reach the Justice League, Loeb and Sears provide the reader with a few pages of Power Girl's tits and ass. I mean a few pages of Power Girl and Captain Atom sparring as Dmitri and Ralph monitor her power levels. It's basically a couple pages to let the reader know how Power Girl's powers have changed. And also how hot she is.

Cool, cool. Good to know. But her tits are just as big, right? Oh yeah! Thanks!

Batman alerting them doesn't even matter because as they're getting the details from Catherine, the Justice League hear an explosion overhead, go outside, and see money raining down from a helicopter with a woman dangling from it. Imagine if Batman knew he was in this comic book how annoyed he be at the uselessness of his appearance in it.

Crimson Fox breaches the cab of the helicopter, slashes the pilot in the face, and the heli crashes into the JLE embassy, specifically Captain Atom's room.

How toxic is Max Lord that Captain Atom thinks the blame for this accident will be placed squarely on him by that asshole?

I really feel bad for Captain Atom. This is the reaction of a victim of abuse! If I were Captain Atom, being that I'm also a toxic asshole, I would blame this on Power Girl's recent loss of her powers. "We didn't have time to think up new drills! This was supposed to be where Power Girl, who used to be able to fly, would catch it in midair, when she was strong enough to catch helicopters, and fly it into the air where it would explode, when she could withstand that kind of explosion!" Then Power Girl would glare at me and I'd be all, "Ha ha! You lost your vision powers so I didn't just now erupt into flames! You loser!"

The criminals are captured, Justice League Europe makes the acquaintance of Crimson Fox, and Bruce Wayne finally gets away from the bodyguards long enough to change after the whole ordeal has ended. Crimson Fox is offered a spot on the team but she refuses. But only at first because Captain Atom embarrassed her by not getting aroused while she basically sticks her tongue up his ass. Orally, of course! I mean, you know, through speech! But later she rescinds her refusal after she sends Captain Atom a new bed with a note basically saying she's going to fuck him in it. Poor Sue and Catherine! More competition!

Justice League Europe #10 Rating: A. This was a good issue! A crime happened! A crime was foiled! Nobody got hurt! And it all happened so organically! Geez, who knew I was into comic books that basically amount to vanilla sex! I'm so boring! In relation to comic books, I mean! Sexually, I can't cum unless I have something shoved into my butthole!

Justice League Europe #9 (1989)

If this is what it takes to operate on Power Girl, just imagine what her vibrator looks like.

If you're wondering why Power Girl looks so different while Sears is still on the job, it's because Sears is now doing the tracing while Art Nichols is doing the drawing. To me, the art is better in a way that doesn't mean I'm happy with it. It's just the style appeals to me quite a bit more. Although in many places, it feels a bit flat and amateurish. Just look at Superman's square-cut John Romita Jr fingers! And look at how nicely manicured he is. How does Superman clip his nails?

Power Girl is dying because she got the shit slapped out of her by The Grey Man's gigantic magic hand. Now she needs an operation for vague reasons or she's going to die! But the doctor is all, "I can't operate on this woman! She is my son!" No wait, that's a dumb riddle. I think this doctor can't operate on her because she is invulnerable. I know I didn't have to explain that to 98% of you! But my mom reads this blog and the only thing she knows about Power Girl is that she would sometimes find Power Girl comics under my bathroom sink growing up. Because that's where I kept them, okay?!

If magic wounded her, magic can save her! Too bad Doctor Fate's title is only academic!

Christ how dumb are these people? If Batman has contingency plans for killing every hero in the DC Universe, surely he must also know how to save their lives! He's probably got a kryptonite guillotine that could be modded for surgery! At the very least, he'd know what to do. Is he too busy trying to assure Dick Grayson he isn't a total failure to help out this month?

Sue Dibny calls Superman to let him know his cousin-from-another-mother-Earth is dying. Hopefully somebody smarter than Superman will explain to him how he's going to save Power Girl or else he's probably just going to repeatedly punch her in the gut until he breaks through. I read the Death of Superman. I know he never has any better plans than punching things really hard.

Batman does show up but not to help out Kara, of course. If he gives them any ideas and she dies, it could count as his having killed somebody! Can't chance that!

I hope Batman has come to talk Outsiders' business! Maybe Halo is in a coma in the room next door!

Meanwhile Wally and Ralph have it out over Ralph always mentioning how Barry Allen was a much better Flash than Wally is. I know a lot of people thought Barry was boring and Wally ended up filling his shoes so well that fans hated it when Barry was brought back. But I never followed The Flash in any form so all I've got to go on is Wally West in this comic (and some appearances in Titans) and I have to say: he's a sexist pig and a fucking jerk. Maybe that's just the way DeMatteis was writing him and I'll like Wally better now that Loeb is writing this book. He's already begun his stint by having Wally confront Ralph so that maybe all that "You're not as good as The Flash I remember reading while growing up" shit DeMatteis constantly harps on is now in the past. Although while Barry really seems hurt and angry, Elongated Man just kind of shines him on with more Barry stories, ignoring the earnest and serious conversation Wally was trying to have. I guess that's just Ralph! He's demonstrating that he can't ever be serious which is why he won't stop making his fucking neck twelve feet long and twitching that disgusting nose.

Back at the hospital, Power Girl and Superman have been strapped into some medical torture devices to begin the operation.

"Okay, start punching away, Superman!"

Do you think Power Girl had to be shaved for this operation? How lush must Kryptonian pubic hair be if nothing can trim it? Do they even have pubic hair?! Oh my god! I just realized there's no reason their genitals shouldn't be something completely alien to humans! I bet it's a fucking M.C. Escher print down there!

Kilowog, having just recently been remembered by Keith Giffen while plotting the last Justice League America issue, makes an appearance in order to build the Superman-heat-vision-head-stabilizer. I'm not sure how it's supposed to hold his head steady when he's the strongest man in the universe and just moving his head slightly probably produces more kinetic energy than when Power Girl orgasms but then I'm not a genius at building machines like Kilowog. My only genius ability is knowing how much potential energy resides in Power Girl's clit. The answer is a shit-ton.

Batman takes Metamorpho onto the roof to explain to him that Metamorpho might have brain damage after his near death and bout of amnesia. Metamorpho thinks Batman has come by because he felt guilty when he heard Metamorpho regained his memory and was all, "Oh Betsy! I better get in there and spin the fact that I didn't give a shit about him while he was lying in a coma! The same way I still haven't given a shit about Halo!" But really, I think Batman is just checking to see if Rex remembers that Batman's secret identity is Bruce Wayne.

"Also, do you like the eyebrows I drew on my cowl? Too much, you think?"

Metamorpho gets pissed at Batman, turns into a fart, and leaves before Batman can ask him, "Hey, do you remember that scumbag billionaire, um, Bruce Wayans I think it was, from Gotham? What a dumb jerk, right? So dumb! Although I hear he has a huge cock. So huge. I wonder if Clark Kent would do a story on it? Maybe I'll ask him after he's done punching Power Girl's stomach open. I mean, um, when I'm next in Metropolis!"

After Superman punches open Power Girl, the doctor goes in to, um, I don't know. Unsuccessfully try to move her organs around? Break a punch of needles trying to sew up her guts? Look confusedly at her alien insides even though the big fat liar said they x-rayed her earlier?

Yep, the third one. I also think this is proof that her vagina looks like a recursive stairway.

I wonder what text book the doctor is talking about? The Physiology of Atlanteans Who Are, SPOILER ALERT, Still Actually Kryptonians?

The surgery takes six hours after which the doctor emerges to explain how he's a garbage doctor and a total hack and how he was lying about there being any kind of text book at all.

"How much of her we salvaged"?! Are the words for "hospital" and "auto shop" nearly identical in French and the JLE seriously fucked up on this one?

When the doctor says "we," does he mean him and Superman or him and the nurses? Shouldn't Superman have been some help in identifying Kryptonian organs? Maybe that's why the doctor uses the word "salvage"? Superman was probably all, "You can lose that bumpy green thing and maybe throw out half of the leathery thing that keeps trying to bite you. And that bit that seems to have exploded from magic? Just get rid of it although I think it might be the 'super powers' organ. Oh well!"

Maybe the French doctor just messed up his English and didn't mean to use the word "salvage." But then again, judging by Catherine's expression in that final panel, I think she just realized they've been sitting in a Jiffy Lube waiting room.

A week later, Power Girl sits in the auto parts lunch room thinking about how many of her powers she's lost. She's snuck out a few times to test them and found that she still has her super speed and super strength. But she's lost her "cosmic" powers. I don't know what those entail other than the exploding vagina thing.

Justice League Europe #9 Rating: B-. This comic dealt with a bunch of down time issues in the group and, when done well, I usually enjoy those installments. And I did enjoy this one! I think Ralph and Barry working out their issues was resolved nicely, so now Ralph can still tease Barry but Barry knows it's coming from a loving place where they can both bond over their old, dead friend. Metamorpho was able to deal with trauma resulting from his old team not giving a fuck about him after he came back from death. Not that he really dealt with it. He just sat on a church, felt some self-pity (which he's a master of), and then went off to apologize to Batman for calling him a jerk and turning into a fart in front of him. I like that Rex is the bigger man because I like Rex better than Batman but I still think he should just punch him in the face and be done with him. And finally, the main story, Power Girl went through all of this to have some of her powers taken away. That's always pretty weak but I'm glad that handled the science and medicine so realistically! I'm pretty sure when most doctors operate, they simply shove their hand in your guts and root around with the other hand over their eyes like they're fishing out a ticket for a prize at the fair. The issue loses a full grade because you can't have a doctor exclaim, "Is that her liver?!", and then not show what he's looking at! I bet it was fucking sexy.