Justice League Quarterly #5 (Winter 1991)

80 pages?! Dear God in Heaven, why? WHY DID YOU LET ME BUY THIS 33 YEARS AGO?!

I should probably do a little research into where the Justice League were in the winter of 1991. Judging by the cover, Silver Sorceress was still alive. Or was she? I don't know. Does it matter? Aren't these quarterlies just any old Justice League tale that never got told but some editor somewhere thought, "That's good enough to gouge readers for another $2.95 every three months!" That's barely hyperbole! Look at the roster down the side. A General Glory story? Who gives a shit? The Global Guardians? Nobody fucking cares! Fire and Ice? Well, okay, I'm here for that one. And also it reminds me I need to read their Smallville series that came out not too long ago that my friend JT keeps punching me in the balls about. That means he keeps telling me I need to read it because I will fucking love it and I believe him but I just haven't made it a priority in my life yet! Maybe in 2025! Life's goal in 2025: read a very specific comic book. I think I can do that!

The first story is by Mark Waid so it can't be too bad, can it? Not that I've read enough by Mark Waid to really have any opinion on his writing but I've heard good things! Although, to be fair, I've also heard people say good things about Scott Lobdell's writing. So I either have to admit that sometimes bad writers write something decent, or maybe other people aren't trustworthy enough to have their own opinions. Having never read anything decent by Scott Lobdell, I'm suspecting the latter half of the previous statement is true. Y'all just don't know what you're fucking talking about. Guys, maybe just leave the observations about reality to me, an expert. I don't want to hear about how you remember some of Lobdell's X-men run fondly. You were probably a stupid kid with an incomplete brain and a hot mom. Just try to forget those obviously false memories and listen to your Uncle (or Aunt? I don't know) Tess. I'll tell you just how terrible Lobdell is. And also how hot your mom is. Does she have an email?

Who is this kid? Why should I care about him? He's a robot, isn't he?

That's how the story begins. The mailman is definitely a robot. I saw the other half of his face and it's like a broken toaster. The cool thing about a broken toaster is that it's like every other mechanical device you can think of: they don't make toast. But there's a downside there somewhere. Also, I could be wrong. Can a Cybertruck make toast? I mean on purpose?

I know everybody is different but I've never had a conversation this long with my mailman. The longest conversation was probably some years back when my good feline buddy Judas was still alive. I had gone two houses down to bring him in from the yard he decided he loved to hang out in as an old man. As I was walking past the neighbor's house between, the mailman was coming down the walk. He saw me carrying Judas lovingly, smiled, and said, "Oh! He hissed at me!" I laughed and said, "Yeah, he doesn't like people." Re-telling that story, I probably should have just hissed at the mailman too.

Something Twilight Zone-esque is taking place in this town as those guys in the suits and crew cuts on the cover go marching down the street to remove somebody from the town. But that's all we get! Time to learn our days of the week! Thanks, Mark Waid! I've been having some trouble with Blurtsday!

Even if I could figure out the memory trick Waid is using to remember the days of the week, how do I remember Thursday?!

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday all collapse, falling into a coma after an encounter with one of the crew cutted men in suits. That's okay though because even by 1991, nobody gave a shit about Geoforce, Valor, and Red Star. Sure, Valor was about to start his own ongoing book that would last for two years. But nobody gave a shit about it. Double sure, I bought it too. But I didn't care about Valor! I was just into buying new comic books! Okay, maybe my assessment of Valor's popularity was wrong. But even if Geoforce wasn't universally regarded as the most boring member of The Outsiders, Red Star was definitely a three hour trip to Snoozeville. Even in Wolfman's Titans, Red Star was more boring than Cyborg when Cyborg lost his personality and was left a broken toaster.

Hey! I know a cool fact about broken toasters!

Back to Thursday, it stars Blue Beetle and Guy Gardner reading DC's version of Weekly World News until they discover the weekday mnemonic for Thursday.

Thursday: Rebis.

No wait. I stand corrected. This is from the Weekly World News (see? It's teaching us about the week!) so I bet Rebis was Sunday. Thursday actually turns out to be Starman who nearly crashes on top of Blue Beetle and Guy Gardner which totally would have killed Blue Beetle. They take him to J'onn so he can examine him and see if he can get his dick hard. Hmm, well, he does examine Starman but he doesn't do the thing where he tries to get his dick hard. Isn't that a standard part in a physical examination?

Oh no. I think I just had a breakthrough.

J'onn believes the culprit behind heroes having their powers stolen is Professor Ivo, the jerk who built Amazo. He calls together a team to investigate: Blue Beetle, Guy Gardner, Elongated Man, Silver Sorceress, Power Girl, Rocket Red, The Flash, Ice, and Metamorpho. So basically Justice League Europe, really. And Blue Beetle winds up being useless because the plan is to use their various super-powered members as bait to lure Amazo's power stealing, suit wearing robots.

Everybody partners up so that nobody gets taken unawares and poor Ice and Power Girl wind up with Guy Gardner. They walk right into one of Amazo's robots who instantly steals Power Girl's power. I guess he probably can't steal Guy's power since it comes from the ring and why would he want Ice's power?

You know what? I feel bad for saying that! One of the main themes of this story that I just skipped over because I thought it was Ice just feeling sorry for herself was how she's decided to head home because nobody respects her power. She's the Aquaman of the current League. J'onn tried to give her a pep talk that was actually a bit insulting because instead of saying, "No, no! Your powers are amazing!", he kept saying things like, "You give the League heart!" and "You give the League soul!" She's not the League's cheerleader, J'onn! I guess you can't expect a Martian to understand how to cheer up a human.

You definitely can't expect Guy Gardner to understand how to cheer up a human. What an asshole!

Ice is the only person on the League who can stand you, you stupid fucking ragehole! Treat her with respect! How the hell did I ever like this guy?! No, no. Don't say that, me! I know exactly why I liked him: because comic books are written by various writers and they all write the characters in slightly different ways. You can't expect every writer to write a character in the manner that you would like! Some writers see Guy Gardner and treat him with respect, trying to understand his anger issues and his brain trauma, like when Charles Soule wrote Guy in Red Lanterns. And some writers see Guy as the raging fucking monster he is and turn him into an abusive boyfriend who should have had his dick torn off by Batman instead of just punched in the face. Like, um, Mark Waid here! When Dan Vado was writing him (that's in the future as far as this issue is concerned!), I hated it because he just made Guy a major sex pest who wouldn't leave any of the women alone. Later, it turned out it was a Guy Gardner robot but I think editorial was all, "Dude. That's not the way Guy is an asshole. Yes, he acts like a womanizer. But he doesn't go around grabbing pussies and hinting that he can't wait to do anal to an Amazon." (I just made that last one up. Don't go looking for it. Although, hell, it might be in there somewhere!) But this might be the worst Guy's ever been Guy'd! The way he shits on Ice here is pure domestic abuse! It's awful! It's so extreme! If Guy's various attitudes were data sets to determine just how much of a dick he is, this one would have to be ignored as an outlier. I'm going to forget I ever read it even!

Guy gets smashed in the back of the head by a hunk of ice when the Amazo robot breaks out of the block. Maybe he'll be nice again when he gains consciousness!

The robot ignores Ice because, well, you know. We don't have to keep saying it. She already feels as bad as she can feel about her shitty powers. Instead of trying to follow the robot by making an ice slide because DC might get sued by Marvel, Ice decides to steal Guy's ring and become a Green Lantern for the day. She can't outright steal it but she does wish she could use it and Guy hears her wish as he passes out and passes the ring on to her. See? Guy's nice again!

This might sound sexist because it is but does Ice really need to be useful with an ass like that? Um, asking for my super sexist friend.

Using the ring when she could have used an ice slide, Ice follows Ivo's robot to an island far off the coast. There she discovers Ivo's home: an idyllic little village full of robots trying to be human and not making any toast at all. Being that Ice has no willpower because she's full of self-loathing exacerbated by people like Guy and Beetle and Booster and even Fire (who is often patronizing), she can't do anything to stop Ivo or his robots. She does manage to make the ring disappear so that Ivo doesn't take it but that's probably because that's kind of a self-loathing power. She winds up getting thrown in a cell and forgotten about.

Meanwhile, Guy Gardner points out that he can track his ring with his power battery which enables the League to follow Ice to Ivo's hideout. See? Ice is helpful! Plus she psychoanalyzes Ivo while the rest of the League bumble around the island.

Ivo wants to kill himself?! But there wasn't a self-harm warning on the cover!

I hope this story ends with J'onn J'onzz speaking directly to the reader and saying, "If you or anybody you know feels like eating a shotgun, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at the following number! Remember, it gets slightly better! Sometimes."

Basically, if the League hadn't gotten involved, Ivo's robots would simply kill him and nobody would have to worry about Ivo ever again. But I guess the world would lose Geoforce, Red Star, Valor, Rebis, Starman, and Power Girl as well. I'd like to say it's worth it but I can't accept the loss of Rebis. So I guess this story did need to be told and the League did need to get involved. So that Rebis can live! Also so that Ice can gain some self-confidence when she saves the day and everybody exclaims, "Yay! Ice's ass is super fantastic!"

The huge battle depicted on the cover finally breaks out which I almost praised as being a cover that didn't lie about the story inside. But I can't do that, can I, friends? Can you see where the cover artist made a mistake? Hmm? Can you? That's right. Guy has his ring on the cover and is using it! Shame on you, DC! Lying to your fans once again. I only purchased this comic book to see Guy use his ring like on the cover and he doesn't even have it.

During the battle, Silver Sorceress and Elongated Man share a joke that I actually enjoy. But then immediately following that humorous moment, Professor Ivo tells Ice all about how his mother died when he was in college and he never visited her because he was afraid of death and now he was so more afraid of death than the average everybody, he became immortal but now because he looks ugly and his organs hurt, he's not afraid of death anymore and he wants mommy. Who hurt you, Mark Waid? Was it your mother? When you were in college? And she died? And you became immortal?

That was my impression of a reader who doesn't understand how fiction writing works! Thank you, thank you! Instead of throwing roses, you can just send cash!

During the fight, Martian Manhunter takes the absolute piss out of Blue Beetle for no fucking reason at all.

Cut to Blue Beetle watching on a monitor in the Bug, tears silently filling up his goggles.

Why would Ivo's Man-in-Black Amazo want to go after Blue Beetle in particular? He has no powers to steal so why focus on him? Martian Manhunter going this hard on a ploy that shouldn't have actually worked just seems cruel. My guess is that Blue Beetle ate so many of J'onn's Oreos when Ted was fat that J'onn still resents him for it.

This story only has seven pages left so I'm going to assume that smashing Ivo's robot with a train destroyed it. Another one gets taken out in an even weaker way by Silver Sorceress, Elongated Man, and Guy Gardner.

Since when does Guy aim to please? Have I been reading the wrong Guy Gardner appearances?

Silver Sorceress could have sent the robot to her old homeworld but I guess she's trying to be more responsible about sending automata to different worlds. So she just teleports it a dozen meters away so that it crashes through a power line and, I guess, shorts out. That's two down! I hope the third one gets taken out by Blue Beetle scrunching up his face and hunching up his back and slicing his dick down the middle while yelling, "Look at me! I'm a Martian freak! Don't you want my power to beat everything except a Bic Lighter and a Toaster Oven!"

I'm assuming J'onn's Martian penis is bifurcated. I don't have any proof of it. It doesn't explicitly describe J'onn's penis in the Who's Who for some reason.

Meanwhile, Immortan Ivo continues his tale of woe to Ice. He explains that he's becoming a living statue and that scares him more than becoming a decaying corpse. Weird. Neither seems ideal but I think I'd try the statue thing for a few million years, see how it pans out.

Ivo jams a screwdriver into his urethra to prove he's hard as iron. Ice fails her Sanity saving throw and now she has a new kink.

Blue Beetle fails to stop a robot which isn't surprising and I'm not even sure why I mentioned it. At least he doesn't die. But I shouldn't be too hard on Beetle because, actually, everybody failed to stop the robots. Hitting them with a train didn't do it. Teleporting them into a power line didn't do it. Capturing them in a lead ball didn't do it. Screaming like a dying rabbit while one pushes a house on top of you didn't do it. They're as immortal as Professor Ivo!

Ivo decides he's had enough explaining why he wants to die and he orders the robots back to him to kill him. The Justice League have to watch them walk away because now they need to save the powerless Blue Beetle and Guy Gardner from the civilian robots about to slaughter them.

The doctors told his mother that? As she was killed by six super-powered robots?!

When somebody's dying of cancer, do people often glibly point out to them that nobody should have to die like that? It's true, I guess. But it presupposes there are ways that people should have to die. But wait! Hear me out! What if nobody ever had to die? Has anybody thought of that yet (aside from Professor Ivo and Victor Frankenstein)?! I bet death already has been cured but probably by racists. So they're all, "If we put this out on the market, we can't just sell it to white people! Every race will become immortal!" And all the racists were all, "We'd rather die." Jerks!

Ivo's plan doesn't work. The robots just wind up killing themselves while he still lives. Ice's prison is destroyed in the blast and she comes out to comfort the man. That's when she accidentally cures him of his immortality with the Green Lantern ring. She doesn't kill him! She just releases him from the pain of his organs hardening. Guy Gardner assures everybody that what she did was impossible and he's never been able to make his ring heal afflictions. Maybe he should let Ice keep the ring? The team needs a Green Lantern bashing heads far less than somebody who could constantly provide medical aid during a fight!

Professor Ivo gladly goes to prison where he'll probably die before getting out again. How is that better than living forever?! Ivo really is nuts. Although I am ignoring the massive amount of pain that he's constantly in. I hear that'll drive people to wish for death. It would drive me to wish for a way to stop feeling pain that also kept me alive though. Like Ice making a wish on a Green Lantern ring. Then I'd be all, "I didn't cause all the trouble! My robots did that on their own! See this community I made? It's gentle and loving and idyllic! Those stupid business robots went crazy the way business people do! I'm innocent!" Then J'onn would have read my mind and been all, "You're coming with me, you monster."

The next story is a Fire and Ice story and it looks like, um, it might be about suicide as well? What the fuck, Justice League Quarterly?!

Or misogynist incel murder. But that probably ends in suicide anyway.

This story asks the burning question of our time: can an old man become a spree killing incel? Bill Loebs seems to think the answer is "Of course! Who wouldn't go nuts with a pistol if Ice refused to fuck you?!"

This issue is really going hard on the idea that Ice has to support everybody emotionally. Stop trauma dumping on my girl!

In this story, we learn that Fire flames on when she orgasms.

I guess editor Brian Augustyn doesn't perform oral sex on women or he never would have let this joke through.

We also learn that Ice's main super power is stopping people from killing themselves.

Are the winter issues always this dark?

What we don't learn is that Ice is irritatingly nice because we already knew that. We aren't reminded that she has a great ass because she's wearing big old shorts the entire time.

Do I even need to mention the final two stories and what we learned from them? Does anybody even want to learn anything more about General Glory and the Global Guardians? Maybe I should just pretend that I read them and scan a few panels and bullshit my way through explaining them! No, no! That wouldn't be right. I'm certainly not going to do that at all.

The main conflict in the Global Guardians is Godiva's front wedgie.

Why would she shave her pubic hair and deny herself the extra fighting power?

After Tuatara helps Godiva pull out the front wedgie, disaster strikes!

A wild back wedgie appears!

Realizing she can't tackle this problem along, Godiva forms a group for Constant Wedgie Sufferers.

With the help of a woman in loose clothing and conversation bashing males, Godiva's wedgies are cured! The End!

I mean Godiva's problem is cured later! She's still suffering from wedgies at that first meeting depicted above.

Does anybody even care about the General Glory story? No? You all hate him too? Okay, good, because he was killed in this story.

Is there any reason I can't adopt "Heil Hitler, suckers!" as my new catch phrase when I cropdust somebody at a Con?

Justice League Quarterly #5 Rating: --. When I was younger, I loved getting an 80 page comic book! But now I pick one up and sigh. They're too long. They're usually some kind of collection of throwaway stories that don't matter at all to canon or the characters themselves. Often they're full of stories written or drawn by newbies to the company and it shows. And these quarterlies always feel they need to highlight characters that don't get as much attention in the pages of Justice League, or were just side characters in various stories that nobody needed a chance to catch up with. I guess they can be fun and these probably were fun the first time I read them when I was eager to read as much comic book shit as possible. But now I just want to pretend I don't have five more Quarterlies to go! I think I'll space them out so I don't completely burn out and stop reading, writing, thinking, and enjoying stuff for the next few years. It's happened before! Why do you think I barely wrote anything on and off for the last few years? I was burned out and also I got addicted to watching gambling streams on Twitch. I guess that's better than being addicted to gambling itself but thinking about the time I spent watching hurts my soul. Man, just mentioning them makes me want to go check some out! Maybe just for a few minutes!