Superman: Up in the Sky #4

Best DC cover ever or greateast DC cover ever? Those are the only two choices.

You can joke about whatever you want. But what you choose to joke about and who you choose to laugh at reveals something about you. And after that revelation, some people are going to dislike you.

Here's a joke that I will always love even if some people would label me ableist or sexist because of it:

Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
Because she's a woman.

I think this is a good joke even if it's sexist because it takes a surprising turn. You think I'm being ableist and then BAM! I steer us over a sexist cliff with the punchline. I also understand that telling this joke says something about me that maybe others won't like. I'm fine with that and even if people shout at me about it, I'll still agree with those people on most social, economic, and political philosophies because I'm not a tantrum throwing idiot who uses other people as an excuse to be a terrible person.

Do I believe women are worse drivers than men? No. Does this joke rely on a systemic bias inherent in our social beliefs that is sexist at its core? Yes. Does that make it not funny? I don't think so! But while loving this joke, would I tell it to an audience that I didn't already know understands who I am? Definitely not.

My main issue with jokes which rely on systemic racism or sexism for the listener to understand the punch line is that they feed that systemic bias. The people who will laugh at the Helen Keller joke are probably mostly people I would disagree with in many other ways. They do believe women are worse drivers. Why would I want to be a part of that? And why would I feel sexism is less concerning than racism. I like the Helen Keller sexist joke but I don't like this joke and would never tell this joke (except as an example of a joke I wouldn't tell) because I feel it is, ultimately, harmful: What do you call a black man in a suit? Defendant. That "joke" says so much about our society that it fucking hurts. The only way that joke makes any sense is if we as a society assume black men are typically criminals. Every single joke made that assumes black men are dangerous or criminals makes the world a little bit unsafer for black men.

You can say you're just joking and feel good about yourself that you don't believe the biases needed to understand the humor of these jokes. But when a joke relies on racist or sexist tropes to be funny, you can't deny they're feeding those tropes. Kids learn those tropes through people just joking. They present the biased views of society in an easily digestible manner which, without introspection, simply become a paradigm of reality for people hearing them. To understand a joke with a racist punchline, you must have already incorporated those systemic racist biases into your personal ideology.

Yes. I get it. It's just a joke. But everything has consequences. And, anyway, the people who constantly claim you can't joke about anything anymore often continue to joke about whatever they want. As I think they should! But while you can joke about whatever you want, other people can judge you on your choice of jokes. It's called personal responsibility, the rallying cry of people who generally don't actually want to take any.

I'm getting back to the comic book now because I want to discuss this cover! I've always hated the fascination with the question "Who would win in a race between The Flash and Superman?" Because the answer is so obviously The Flash. It has to be The Flash. If it isn't The Flash then fuck The Flash. Who the fuck needs him? This cover reaches out to me and it says, "Grunion Guy? Or Tess? Or Jeff? What the fuck is your name, anyway? I have heard your lonely wails in the furious snowstorm covering the sparse tundra of existence and I have come to give you sustenance. I bring you life-giving potables to slake the existential dread dehydrating your confused and weary soul. More importantly, I bring you a mirror to reflect your thoughts back upon you so that you can look out into the universe and think, 'I am recognized. I am seen. And thus, I exist!'" If I were a writer at DC, my obsession would be with a race between Batman and Green Arrow. And on the day of the race, maybe Batman was a little bit hungover from a Bruce Wayne kegger the night before and Green Arrow had a black eye from a broken bowstring incident a few days previous. Just to make it more exciting! Also maybe Bruce still had a hard-on from the Viagra Alfred slipped in his tea. Most people wouldn't think Bruce needs Viagra but his constant ruminations on justice often interfere with his ability to get erect. Even when he's touching a woman's thingy and his finger parts the stuff and he suddenly encounters the smushy goop hidden within, he still can't get it up because he's thinking, "Is this a clue?"

I'm so good at romance talk!

Die Tasche. Die Tasche? DieTasche! Die Tasche. Shtop.

The story begins with somebody talking about a race for charity between Superman and The Flash. They say it was televised and that people bought tickets to sit along the route and watch it. Seems like a huge scam to me. How long could it actually take Flash to run around the Earth ten times? Like fifteen seconds? I could probably do the math on it but I don't want to show off. But this story assumes that Flash and Superman didn't run so fast that people couldn't at least see them blur by.

So this kid telling the story says that Lex Luthor offered to double the money to charity if Superman loses. And Superman heard it with his super-hearing which meant Superman was going to just have to win no matter what! He'd just have to believe he was faster than The Flash and then be faster than The Flash. Because that's how comic books work. What makes a hero is the secret reserve of strength and will and confidence that only appears when the hero is about to be defeated. People who are defeated aren't heroes because they don't have that reserve. They are losers. Big stupid losers. Did you die from your cancer? Not a hero, jerk. Did you fail to get that promotion at work because you didn't complete the project a hero would have completed at the last minute? Total loser. Did one of your kids drown in the pool because you gave up on the CPR like a big jerko loser dumb-dumb? Yeah. Not a hero. Maybe even a villain!

But Superman, being a hero, now had to win the race for charity! And The Flash apparently isn't a hero because where were his secret reserves to beat Superman? What an idiotic failure.

Although I haven't finished the story yet! Maybe Superman is still going to lose just like the cover implies! I bet the point of this story is that Superman loses sometimes but nobody ever gives up hope in him! And he always tries his hardest! And maybe even before the race, he made a bet in Vegas that Lex Luthor would bet a billion dollars against him which would pay off like a billion to one!

Lame. Superman wins.

Superman wins but the dumb kid telling the story doesn't explain how. The kid just goes on and on about contradictions but totally uses the word incorrectly. Like saying "Superman is faster than a speeding bullet" is a contradiction. Is it? How? If Superman is faster than a speeding bullet than he's faster than a speeding bullet and that's not a contradiction! Stupid idiot kid. The kid is so dumb I bet the kid got the story wrong and just made it up to make herself feel better. Because the kid telling the story is the girl that Superman is looking for and she has to believe that Superman can do the impossible (like win a race against The Flash) or else she's just going to rot on whatever planet she's lost on.

So the story is about hope or something. Superman hopes and so Superman does. It's kind of like Oprah's Secret, I guess? It doesn't make any sense but since it's Superman, you always know he's going to win. Even that time he died, he won by killing Doomsday as well. So see? Blade was wrong. You should always bet on red! And blue!

The second story is also about hope. Hey! Are all these stories about the hope Superman gives people?! I've been duped! I thought this was going to be a bunch of stories about how hard Superman can punch bad guys! Stupid DC Comics hiring some intellectual namby-pamby like Tom King! Writing stories that are all, "Superman shows how faith and hope can inspire us to be better than we are!" Whatever! I hope the next issue is about Superman punching a gigantic space monster!

Superman: Up in the Sky #4 Rating: Oh yeah! The second story was about Superman interacting with Clark Kent because they were struck by magic space lightning and separated into two unique people. As if that's a thing! Somehow Superman's Kryptonian DNA makes him all logical and shit while his human upbringing makes him all emotional and valiant and sacrificial and awesome! Isn't that the way it always is? Humans are the greatest beings in the universe because they know how to cry while reading Shakespeare! Everybody else in the universe is a boring old rational Vulcan! If another alien species is allowed to be emotional, they only get one emotion. Like how Klingons are angry and Ferrengi are sneaky and Romulans have huge cocks and Guardians of the Universe are assholes. Only humans have mastered the spectrum of emotion and that makes them the best! Go Clark Kent! You teach that Superman a thing or two about hope! Now merge with him again for next issue and get to punching shit!

Superman: Up in the Sky #1

If Superman throws a single punch in this series, I'll quit writing comic book reviews forever. Or I'll call Tom King a hack. One of those!

If I were going to write a Superman series, I'd embrace the biggest problem everybody says they have with Superman: he's so powerful that he's boring. He would never encounter a threat to his physical safety. He would never say stupid shit like, "That actually hurt!" He would never fucking raise a fist to anyone! Why would he need to?! The story would never be about Superman getting his ass beat by the new biggest threat he's ever faced until the big climactic moment where he stands back up and finally knocks the crap out of the villain. I wouldn't even try to trick the readers into feeling some kind of tension that Superman might not be able to handle the big threat. He'd do it easily, issue after issue. Everybody would know that he was going to save the world. But would Superman be able to save Metropolis blindfolded with both hands tied behind his back because some sick kid requested he do it? Make all the drama happen in Clark's work life and his relationship. Will he be able to save the world and make it to Lois's big award ceremony? Can he plan Jimmy Olsen's bachelor party in such a way that Jimmy discovers his fiance is a demon from Hell on his own?! Get fucking imaginative, Superman writers!

All of the stuff I'd do, I'm expecting Tom King to do! Man, I'm really getting my hopes up, aren't I?! Tom King probably isn't even going to like the pedestal I've built for him!

Tom King is a hack!

Actually, that was page one and it's the moment after Superman threw that punch! So I don't think it counts as Superman throwing a punch in this series. King probably began the series like this on purpose! That's the last punch Superman is ever going to throw and we didn't get to see it in this series. Because it's all we've seen all the time always! And why?! It's especially galling when Superman punches a regular human. He could seriously injure somebody that way! If I were Superman, my main move would be picking up criminals by the scruff of their necks and wagging my finger in their faces.

Above Superman and the robot are narration boxes that say, "Clark. I need you." My guess is that they aren't the robot's thoughts. I bet it's Perry J. Jameson. No, that doesn't make sense since the statement doesn't end in five exclamation points and a swear word.

I guess the clue as to who is saying it lies in the gray coloring of the boxes and the little bat symbol inside them.

Batman is on a case that he can solve on his own and doesn't need Superman's help at all. What he needs from Superman is for him to tell a little girl that her foster parents and two of her siblings are dead. Obviously Batman can't do that because it would mean scaring the shit out of a little girl. Also it would sort of look like failing to save the girl's family was Batman's fault somehow which it definitely wasn't. Batman has failed to stop random violence for thirty years even though he vowed to. He probably would have if the medium of comic books wasn't stuck in a constant present. People sometimes think it's ridiculous that The Joker is always getting out of Arkham and murdering people. Sometimes they even suggest maybe Batman is at fault a little bit for not killing The Joker. But what they don't realize is that The Joker is always both in and out of Arkham. Batman never really catches The Joker but he also always catches The Joker and he may, in fact, have only caught The Joker the one time (but in a million different ways). If you want to take comic book canon seriously, might I suggest first getting a lobotomy?

I thought maybe Superman was going to comfort the girl because that's a job for Superman. But instead he grills her so he can get all of the details for a Clark Kent exclusive. Unless maybe he's just trying to get a lead. But why would he need a lead? Batman is on the case! Superman should just stick to doing the jobs meant for Superman, like making little girls feel better and writing complimentary articles about himself under a pseudonym.

Superman is nothing more than the journalistic version of an ambulance chaser. Also, um, what does "Kansas isn't in Kansas anymore" mean?

Superman's job for this issue is to find the missing girl. You might think that's Batman's job. But Batman's job is to punch the person who took the girl until that person is hospitalized with internal injuries that won't kill him (because that's wrong) but will force him to use a colostomy bag for the rest of his life. Hey, he knew the probable consequences of crime in Gotham!

Superman doesn't think of finding the girl as a job. His job is to easily dispatch dinosaurs in downtown and easily stop asteroids from colliding with Earth. His passion is saving little girls. It's all he thinks about while the comic book images portray him doing his job. Just as easily as I said I'd write Superman saving the world. I think maybe Tom King and I are on the same page.

Tom King is a hack!

I don't know. I guess it's okay to show Superman punching a guy with an atomic skull. Or is that the opposite of okay?! Shouldn't you handle nuclear material carefully? Punching Atomic Skull in the face could result in a nuclear catastrophe, couldn't it?! Why doesn't he just use his freeze breath for everything?! Except maybe saving crashing planes. And rescuing kidnapped children from space men.

Superman feels like he doesn't have time in his life to pursue his passions so he goes to speak with Pa Kent. Not zombie Pa Kent like you're probably thinking because remember how he died on Clark's prom night? I guess that didn't happen now. Rebirth and whatever stories I probably missed because I stopped reading every single DC comic book because DC kept insisting on hiring terrible writers like redactedell and redactedenti and J. T. redacted. Pa gives Clark some good advice full of guilt but it's no Uncle Ben advice. Every relative of every super hero is just out here trying to be as great as Uncle Ben. But I don't think people are going to be quoting this advice to Clark: "Who do you think is going to save that little girl, Clark? Batman? Wonder Woman? Guy fucking Gardner?! Stop worrying about how many people are going to die on Earth while you're in space and just go get that little girl already! Sheesh! You big pansy!" But Pa's a Midwest farmer so he used a word a little stronger than "pansy."

Obviously by "stronger word," I mean "pustule-ridden horse cock." I know a lot of Midwest farmers and they're disgusting!

Superman learns that the girl he met in the hospital died from her injuries and/or the incompetence of the doctors. So that's another person Batman failed to save! So now Superman turns his anger to the state of the America's health care so that this never happens again! No, no! He actually gets so mad that he throws a train off of a trestle.

What a piece of shit.

Why is Superman so nervous about leaving Earth? Isn't that exactly the thing every single other DC hero says is happening whenever they're stuck with saving the world from some threat that's far beyond their power to deal with? "The Justice League are on a mission in space! I'm all that's keeping the world from sliding into Hell!" yells Green Arrow every month. Because, seriously, the only reason you rely on Green Arrow is because all the other heroes are in space. All of them.

Didn't Superman used to have a clone of himself or a robot that he used for when he was away? Also for when somebody thinks Clark is Superman? Also for when Lois is super horny?

Superman heads to Rann to sort through the Zeta Beam data so he can find the bastard who kidnapped the little girl. Her name, by the way, is obviously Alice. There's a lot of literary capital in that name.

To sort through the Zeta Beam data, Superman must be hooked up to what I can only describe as a suicide machine.

If Superman can't survive this then who can?! Why does this machine even exist?! Except to kill?

I was reading this as some sort of device to compute Zeta Beam data but it's possible Superman is just staring down the pipe of the regular old Zeta Beam machine. But anybody can be transferred by a Zeta Beam, right? You don't have to be special. But then, maybe this scientist is just finally telling the truth! What if the Zeta Beam really is a suicide machine, destroying the individual zapped by it only to reconfigure a clone on the other end. Sure, the clone has all the same memories and feelings and attitudes of the original body. But the mind in that original body is fucking gone, man! How many times has Adam Strange killed himself in DC continuity?!

In the machine, Superman remembers some kid pretending to be Superman who threw himself off of the roof of his house and killed himself. Unless it's not a memory and the machine is just expressing, in an analogy (unless it's a metaphor?), how Superman has just killed himself. It's also possible it's part of the reasons behind Superman needing to save Alice. It's also possible Tom King fucked up his script and forgot what story he was writing.

In this new story, Superman wants to quit being Superman because he's too inspiring! But Wonder Woman is all, "So a few kids are going to hurl themselves from rooftops? So what?! You wanting to take responsibility for that is what makes you Superman, and what makes you Superman is what is going to keep driving kids to jump to their deaths! Imagine if Batman were to take responsibility for all the deaths on his watch instead of plugging his hears and going, 'Na na na na na na na na na na na na na?!' That's the guy who should fucking quit!" Maybe she didn't say it in those exact words but why would I repeat the exact words from the comic book? Go fucking buy it yourself!

Superman also remembers fighting with Doomsday and Magog and his father, Jor-el. Oh? Hey! Has Jor-el decided to remain on Earth as Pa Kent? Is that the story I missed recently?!

In Superman's hallucination, he meets Alice who is super wise but that's only because she's also Superman. It's like when you're in a dream and somebody who isn't you says something really smart or funny. I usually wake up and get angry at my brain. "Why did you give somebody else those lines?!" But then I calm down and remember that my brain came up with those lines all by itself. Then I pat myself in the groin for a few minutes and think, "That'll do, pig. That'll do."

Superman: Up in the Sky #1 Rating: A. That bit by Alice at the end is particularly well done. That's why I couldn't comment on it and barely mentioned it. If I could comment on intelligent and wise stuff, do you think I'd be doing comic book commentaries?! I'd be fucking with Shakespeare and Langston Hughes! I'd be commenting on Yeats and Cervantes and Danielewski! Sometimes you just have to accept what height of brow you are and live there like a mud scrabbling land fish. I know I don't have wings! I'mma just slop around down here in the filth while occasionally pretending to understand stuff written by Tom King and Mark Russell.