Swamp Thing #24

Seeing a cover like this just makes me realize that I've really cut back on my crudity.

This cover leads me to two subjects which I could discuss: masturbation and eating salads. For the life of me, I don't have any stories that combine the two, thank The Lord. Although why would God have anything to do with me not having a masturbation with salad story? Did He somehow keep me from committing that sexy faux pas? Why do we capitalize the pronoun "I" but not "me"? Unless of course We're God (or German), then We get to capitalize Everything. When I think about it, I suppose every time somebody eats a salad, you could make a masturbation joke, depending on the dressing they use. That's why I always eat my salads without dressing. It took me nearly 25 years to realize that I didn't hate salad; I hated salad dressing! And since most adults thought the best way to convince me to eat a salad was to smother it in Man-made Goo (TM), I refused to eat that shit and got yelled at and punished many times across the years for not eating my salad. Fucking adults. If just once they set that shit in front of me without the Man-made Goo, I might have tried it.

No, no. I wouldn't have. Although if they'd put Tater Tots and cheese in it, I'd have been a fan. Although I'm not sure that really counts as a salad anymore. Tater Tot Salad. I think I'd have to forgo the lettuce though because that whole hot on top of cold thing would mess up the balance. Any food that arrives at a dead universe level of entropy before you can even get started is not food that I want sitting in front of me. So Tater Tot salad would probably consist of Tater Tots, Cheese, Chili, and, if you'd like because nothing is mandatory (except the tater tots), onions. Maybe some jalapenos since it really needs more vegetable!

This issue begins with The Seeder pouting because the Avatar of the Green did not congratulate him on his deeds. The opposite has taken place; he's been chastised (by word of mouth, even! He doesn't even get a personal meeting with Swampy). Now he refuses to help the people that Swamp Thing declared weren't deserving of The Seeder's help. Because it was not done correctly. It went against Nature. Fuck all, there are so many rules to keep in mind whenever you do anything at all in the DC Universe! It seems that everything is about balance which leads me to believe The Court of Owls are doing the greatest good!

I suppose the problems with doing or not doing their jobs is more of a philosophical problem than a real "this could potentially ruin the Earth" with most Super-heroes. What are they changing by interfering in the way events transpire? Captain Atom had that philosophical problem back in Captain Atom #3, the only issue I thought worked well. But Captain Atom was also dealing with severe trauma and survivor's guilt, so his belief that he was possibly interfering instead of helping made psychological sense. But taken to the extreme, everybody would be paralyzed by indecision if we had to worry about whether or not we were fucking up the natural order or the proper way of things or the integrity of the timestream. In smaller ways, Batman and Superman actually have to deal with these kinds of issues but mostly in diplomatic ways with police or other nations or Lex Luthor. I guess Uncle Ben had it right when he said that thing about great wrestlers come with great costumes or whatever. That's Marvel. I can't be held accountable for knowing Marvel quotes! But those are fairly normal heroes dealing with fairly mundane problems. I know I just described Superman as "fairly normal" and the end of Omnithing as a "fairly mundane problem." But stay with me as I start a new paragraph!

This is Swamp Thing. And in the realm of Swamp Thing and John Constantine and Justice League Dark, how things get done can have serious consequences. We can pretend that everything has serious consequences if, as in a Scott Lobdell comic or a J.T. Krul Captain Atom story, we are allowed to follow some fantasy timeline to the far future to see how just one decision brings the world to ruin. But that, again, is philosophical. What if Hitler has been trampled by stampeding warthogs when he was a child? Sure, a lot of shit would have turned out differently. But that's just how time and space and life works! But dealing with magic changes the essential parts of the whole so that everything changes. Arcane abusing his Rot Powers. John Constantine using the Books of Magic. Madame Xanadu...no, never mind. She never does anything. The Seeder is using short cuts in The Green to help people in need and those short cuts harm other parts of The Green which cause more suffering just in different places and different ways. Magic isn't free in the DCnU unlike in our world. If I want to summon a demon, who is that harming except the transient whose blood I used in the ritual? But if John Constantine were to summon a demon, he'd have to pay a cost in the lives of four or five of his friends. You know, people he actually knew! That's not something to fuck around with.

In other words, go Court of Owls! You guys know the score!

Sometimes I wonder if I ever get around to making any kind of a coherent point at all ever.

This is an example of wasting power. Just imagine how many Loquat Trees died because The Seeder doesn't carry around a pen.

Once again, The Swamp Thing begins to deal with Cappuccino so he knows why she's here and what he's supposed to do about it. But the Swamp Thing makes like history and repeats himself by ditching her before she has a chance to explain. But he ditches her for a good reason! He has to go see The Seeder's face and find out which old colleague is fucking with him now. Alec Holland must have been a huge dick botanist. Not a botanist with a huge dick since I can't argue the veracity of that. It just seems like he made an awful lot of enemies. Is there usually a lot of drama in botanist circles?

The Seeder is a much better name than The Florionic Man but I'm not totally convinced this is Jason Woodrue. I believe he's been mentioned somewhere. Possibly just Rotworld though!

Instead of talking with The Seeder, Swamp Thing grabs him about the facial area and smashes him to the ground. It's a bit of Alec being frustrated with this guy and his Whisky Tree experiment and a bit of the Mean Green Voice trying to get him to lose control and fuck the world by filling it with grass pollen and lemon trees. The Swamp Thing luckily doesn't kill The Seeder but he does manage to knock his hood off.

Swamp Thing needs to stop shoving pieces of himself in people's mouths.

According to an Editor's Note, Jason and Alec have met before. Here's my bit about it in Swamp Thing Annual #1:

The Parliamentary Swamp Thing manages to deliver Alec to Jason Woodrue so that Woodrue can transport him back to Louisiana. In exchange for his service to The Green, Woodrue will be rewarded. I think he’ll be turned into the Floronic Man or something crazy like that.

Too bad I couldn't remember that shit when The Seeder first appeared! There's just too much to remember to make educated guesses at these plot points! The only reason I finally thought he might be Jason Woodrue was when it was revealed he was a fellow scientist that probably knew Alec. But the clues were already there! Stupid comic books and failing memory!

Jason Woodrue wants to team up with Alec Holland because the Swamp Thing needs a fucking sidekick! Jason Woodrue can wear short pants and a short cape and little booties and say things like, "Fucked up Ferns, Swamp Thing!" and "Holy Oaks!" I can't wait because I know that's what Charles Soule is going to do! Plus some horror or something scary.

No! Wait! That's the opposite of what I want!

The Parliament of Trees is the cutest parliament I've ever seen! Be on the lookout for my new web comic about them! It'll probably begin in 2021 after I catch up on my backlog of projects.

The Seeder decides to fight for his rightful place and hurls some seeds into Swamp Thing. The end result is Swamp Thing's eye pops out which probably doesn't really mean much since he's a plant and what do plants need eyes for? Luckily the Swamp Thing still has his protector, Cappuccino. In the end, the Parliament simply takes away Jason Woodrue's powers for now. When The Swamp Thing has more experience under his belt, the Parliament of Trees will return Woodrue's power to him and host a death match in the swamps. It looks like that will take place in Swamp Thing Annual #2 available on Halloweeneen.

Swamp Thing #24 Rating: No change. The Parliament of Trees sure did get back to their old, manipulative, bastard selves quickly enough. They had to act submissive and helpful while they were tiny little saplings that needed Swamp Thing's protection, but now they're nice and teenaged which explains why they've gotten their mean streak back. As for the coming death match, my money is on the Swamp Thing because I'm a Master Comic Book Reader and I know how these things work. As long as the title isn't being cancelled, the title character will win! Unless the title character is somebody like Swamp Thing who is an avatar and can actually be anybody. It's not like the title is Alec Holland, Swamp Thing!