look elongated man has the bends har har
Metamorpho can turn into any element in the world so he chooses to make his fist into a hammer. I don't know. Maybe stick your dick in The Flash's mouth and turn it into a 40/60 Oxygen/Nitrogen mix? This has the added benefit of . . . well, I think you can guess the added benefit.
The issue begins with a silver-haired man overlooking a funeral in a cemetery (with the Eiffel Tower in the background, of course, because I wouldn't want to lose my bet about establishing shots of Paris in this comic book always including the metal erection. Ooh la la). It might be Captain Atom but maybe it's also possibly The Phantom Stranger! No, don't get too excited, Tess (yes, I'm back to pretending my name is Tess). This is only the second issue. Too many minds would be blown if The Phantom Stranger suddenly became integral to the plot. Not mine though. I would just clamp down on my pipe, scrunch up my eyebrows, take a few puffs, and say (out of the side of my mouth), "Tut tut. I see. This comic book is going to get existential." Unless it's going to get spiritual and then I'd say that.
This issue is called, "Somebody Up There Hates Us!" Oh, so maybe it is The Phantom Stranger! He's like God's debt collector. No wait. That's The Spectre. I have no fucking clue what The Phantom Stranger does. I believe it has something to do with never lifting a finger to help anybody at all.
The issue begins with a silver-haired man overlooking a funeral in a cemetery (with the Eiffel Tower in the background, of course, because I wouldn't want to lose my bet about establishing shots of Paris in this comic book always including the metal erection. Ooh la la). It might be Captain Atom but maybe it's also possibly The Phantom Stranger! No, don't get too excited, Tess (yes, I'm back to pretending my name is Tess). This is only the second issue. Too many minds would be blown if The Phantom Stranger suddenly became integral to the plot. Not mine though. I would just clamp down on my pipe, scrunch up my eyebrows, take a few puffs, and say (out of the side of my mouth), "Tut tut. I see. This comic book is going to get existential." Unless it's going to get spiritual and then I'd say that.
This issue is called, "Somebody Up There Hates Us!" Oh, so maybe it is The Phantom Stranger! He's like God's debt collector. No wait. That's The Spectre. I have no fucking clue what The Phantom Stranger does. I believe it has something to do with never lifting a finger to help anybody at all.
Aside from Catherine's hair, nothing about this comic book page indicates it's from 1989. Everything about it looks so old school. I mean super duper old school. I forget the actual date is 2022.
Because the man who died in the Embassy's foyer was a Nazi, Captain Atom decides to investigate known Nazi organizations, especially those tied to meta-humans. Sue Dibny, showing off her computer skills, gets to work while Ralph's body sits far enough away that he can do his favorite thing: stretch his neck to twenty feet long and make me sick.
You might think Nazis in Santa Cruz sounds weird but, having been a Silicon Valley boy who would spend his summers at the beach, I guarantee you they had a lot of fascist surfers covering their town in fascist graffiti like "Locals Only!" and "Valleys Go Home!" Jerkos!
Sue eye fucks Captain Atom while she gags like everybody else at Ralph's nose twitching. It seems I was a little harsh on her in my last review when I expressed joy in her upcoming death because she loved the nose twitching. But she's just as grossed out by her husband as everybody else. Besides, Captain Atom is practically naked and standing right next to her all smooth and musky and dickless. The dickless part isn't something that would appeal to Sue so I should have left it out. My assumption is that in the actual Justice League Europe universe where they've never heard of the Comics Code Authority, you can see the outline of Captain Atom's dick through the leotard.
If I was trying to remind my wife that I was the one she loved fucking, I wouldn't do it while my neck was twenty feet long so she remembers that my body induces nausea.
My theory is that Sue Dibny was dying of vaginal cancer after fucking Captain Atom constantly during this gig and so she arranged her own murder so Ralph would never find out.
Animal Man and Captain Atom investigate the Nazi camp in Santa Cruz to discover it's been destroyed by some guy named The Wild Huntsman. He's anti-Nazi but he still battles Animal Man and Captain Atom because nobody takes a moment to ask, "Hey, are you antifa too?" I can't wait to read the letters about this issue. "Dear DC Comics, I am chagrined that you have chosen to portray all white people as Nazis. Shame on you for partaking in this kind of political nonsense. You should try to avoid politics or else you will lose half of your readers. The white half. Thank you. Brad Smith of Salinas, Kansas."
Captain Atom blasts The Wild Huntsman who goes down for good. So for good that Animal Man determines the man is in a coma. It looks like he's as mind-controlled as the rest of his Global Guardian buddies. Although if they're being mind-controlled to defeat Nazis, it can't be a bad thing, right? I guess the point is to make it seem like Justice League Europe are defending Nazis and Nazi groups by beating up the Global Guardians who were destroying them.
Whose idea was it to begin this entire series of a Justice League in Europe having to battle Nazis?! I'm yawning pretty hard over here.
Next it's a Power Girl and Rocket Red team-up! They head over to Frankfurt, Germany to question some Nazis where they find the Neo-Nazi headquarters already on fire. Whoever did it is a hero but Rocket Red is all, "I hope nobody is burning alive." Power Girl calls him a fucking Nazi sympathizer and he has to explain World War II history to her, being that she's an American. The only thing Americans know about World War II is that the Japanese sneak attacked us like sneaky motherfuckers and the Americans defeated Germany single-handedly.
Animal Man and Captain Atom investigate the Nazi camp in Santa Cruz to discover it's been destroyed by some guy named The Wild Huntsman. He's anti-Nazi but he still battles Animal Man and Captain Atom because nobody takes a moment to ask, "Hey, are you antifa too?" I can't wait to read the letters about this issue. "Dear DC Comics, I am chagrined that you have chosen to portray all white people as Nazis. Shame on you for partaking in this kind of political nonsense. You should try to avoid politics or else you will lose half of your readers. The white half. Thank you. Brad Smith of Salinas, Kansas."
Captain Atom blasts The Wild Huntsman who goes down for good. So for good that Animal Man determines the man is in a coma. It looks like he's as mind-controlled as the rest of his Global Guardian buddies. Although if they're being mind-controlled to defeat Nazis, it can't be a bad thing, right? I guess the point is to make it seem like Justice League Europe are defending Nazis and Nazi groups by beating up the Global Guardians who were destroying them.
Whose idea was it to begin this entire series of a Justice League in Europe having to battle Nazis?! I'm yawning pretty hard over here.
Next it's a Power Girl and Rocket Red team-up! They head over to Frankfurt, Germany to question some Nazis where they find the Neo-Nazi headquarters already on fire. Whoever did it is a hero but Rocket Red is all, "I hope nobody is burning alive." Power Girl calls him a fucking Nazi sympathizer and he has to explain World War II history to her, being that she's an American. The only thing Americans know about World War II is that the Japanese sneak attacked us like sneaky motherfuckers and the Americans defeated Germany single-handedly.
I don't mean to sound racist and stereotypical but look at this motherfucking sneak attack!
I'm American so if I'm only slightly sounding racist and stereotypical, I'm doing pretty good!
Oh, maybe you didn't notice I was stereotyping because you had no way of knowing that the person attacking Power Girl and Rocket Red was Rising Sun of the Global Guardians. As everybody but Americans would know by his name, he's Japanese. I'm not usually this self-hating as an American but you wouldn't understand unless you had to live among all these stupid fucking assholes who don't fucking care about kids getting shot up in school. Every gun owner is complicit in every death. It's like if there were suddenly a rash of people entering schools and cutting off kids' heads with comic books and I refused to stop reading comic books. I'd be complicit because I'd care more about my stupid hobby than the lives of kids. Maybe that's not a fair comparison because my life would be so much better if I stopped reading comic books. I'm just looking for an excuse!
Rising Sun's power is to glow really bright and blow up. Is that irony? Is his power darkly ironic?! Anyway, he's brainwashed too and believes the Justice League are modern day Nazis. I'm pretty sure they aren't but we're only two issues in so I'm not going to jump to any conclusions.
Oh, maybe you didn't notice I was stereotyping because you had no way of knowing that the person attacking Power Girl and Rocket Red was Rising Sun of the Global Guardians. As everybody but Americans would know by his name, he's Japanese. I'm not usually this self-hating as an American but you wouldn't understand unless you had to live among all these stupid fucking assholes who don't fucking care about kids getting shot up in school. Every gun owner is complicit in every death. It's like if there were suddenly a rash of people entering schools and cutting off kids' heads with comic books and I refused to stop reading comic books. I'd be complicit because I'd care more about my stupid hobby than the lives of kids. Maybe that's not a fair comparison because my life would be so much better if I stopped reading comic books. I'm just looking for an excuse!
Rising Sun's power is to glow really bright and blow up. Is that irony? Is his power darkly ironic?! Anyway, he's brainwashed too and believes the Justice League are modern day Nazis. I'm pretty sure they aren't but we're only two issues in so I'm not going to jump to any conclusions.
Fast is right. According to The New 52's Worlds' Finest, Power Girl loves to stick her finger up the asses of her dates.
See?
Seeing these scans of comic books thirty years apart makes me think comics are worth five to six times more today.
Ha ha no not really.
Power Girl nearly takes Rising Sun's head off. She claims she "pulled her punch" but how much would she know to pull her punch? She and Rocket Red knew nothing about this guy. She could have beheaded him! Although we, the readers, know he was mind controlled and now he's basically in a coma like The Wild Huntsman.
Metamorpho, Elongated Man, and The Flash head to Dover, England, to look into a Neo-Nazi group. This superhero team up gets three members because two are basically redundant. Yes, I know "elongation" powers are way different than "can transform into any element" power but Metamorpho mostly just uses his power like he's a stretchy shapechanger.
Ha ha no not really.
Power Girl nearly takes Rising Sun's head off. She claims she "pulled her punch" but how much would she know to pull her punch? She and Rocket Red knew nothing about this guy. She could have beheaded him! Although we, the readers, know he was mind controlled and now he's basically in a coma like The Wild Huntsman.
Metamorpho, Elongated Man, and The Flash head to Dover, England, to look into a Neo-Nazi group. This superhero team up gets three members because two are basically redundant. Yes, I know "elongation" powers are way different than "can transform into any element" power but Metamorpho mostly just uses his power like he's a stretchy shapechanger.
Ralph could pass as normal if he didn't insist on keeping his neck three to twenty feet longer than normal.
Metamorpho was killed at the end of The Outsiders comic book when Doctor Jace turned out to be a Manhunter. But he's back because a meta(l)-gene bomb blew up in Invasion! recently and somehow brought him back. But he doesn't remember anything from the previous five years of his life. This being a comic book, that could mean he doesn't remember anywhere from 2 to 25 years of continuity.
Wally and Ralph go off to get snacks while Metamorpho hangs about to be attacked by a Savage Dragon look-a-like named Tuatara. I mean, Savage Dragon obviously stole his look because Image didn't exist yet. Tuatara knocks everybody overboard because it was on the cover. And then things get weird and disturbing.
Wally and Ralph go off to get snacks while Metamorpho hangs about to be attacked by a Savage Dragon look-a-like named Tuatara. I mean, Savage Dragon obviously stole his look because Image didn't exist yet. Tuatara knocks everybody overboard because it was on the cover. And then things get weird and disturbing.
What element naturally takes the shape of a giant penis and scrotum?
Metamorpho hardly cares about his elemental power at all. He just uses it as an excuse to become huge swimming dicks and flapping vaginas (I didn't scan the panel where he engulfs Tuatara in a huge labia trap).
Tuatara eventually falls unconscious like the other Guardians. Apparently the brainwashing to make them see every hero as a Nazi takes a heavy toll on them. On the way to shore, Ralph begins twitching his nose and everybody tells him to stop before they throw up on everything.
Tuatara eventually falls unconscious like the other Guardians. Apparently the brainwashing to make them see every hero as a Nazi takes a heavy toll on them. On the way to shore, Ralph begins twitching his nose and everybody tells him to stop before they throw up on everything.
Man, I'm really sorry I got on your case, Sue. You're obviously super intelligent and don't love your husband at all.
The issue ends with Jack o' Lantern and Owl Woman discussing how they (along with their "queen" who I'm assuming is Queen Bee of Bialya doing all the mind control) and the Dome are back in business. Bad business!
Letters this issue are from Jack Cyclone of Albuquerque, New Mexico; Casey Gallagher of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Don Lambert Junior of Mechanicsville, Iowa; Marco Gonzales Ambriz of Old Mexico; T.A.P. of Burnaby, British Columbia; Tim Dunnahoo of Temple, Texas; John Egnew of Champaign, Illinois; and Mike Norris of Milpitas, California. Nobody mentions the Letterer. Or any of the other artists, really. All the letters this month are people writing in to say why they disagree or agree with the roster of Justice League Europe. All these letter writers must have creamed their jeans when the Internet became mainstream so they could spew all of their boring opinions straight out into the ether for free!
Don't you dare say I resemble that remark, you jerks!
Justice League Europe #2 Rating: C. I would have given this issue a better grade if The Elongated Man had refrained from stretching his disgusting neck. But since he did it right on the cover, I already knew this issue was going to be a huge loser. I wish he'd drowned.
Letters this issue are from Jack Cyclone of Albuquerque, New Mexico; Casey Gallagher of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Don Lambert Junior of Mechanicsville, Iowa; Marco Gonzales Ambriz of Old Mexico; T.A.P. of Burnaby, British Columbia; Tim Dunnahoo of Temple, Texas; John Egnew of Champaign, Illinois; and Mike Norris of Milpitas, California. Nobody mentions the Letterer. Or any of the other artists, really. All the letters this month are people writing in to say why they disagree or agree with the roster of Justice League Europe. All these letter writers must have creamed their jeans when the Internet became mainstream so they could spew all of their boring opinions straight out into the ether for free!
Don't you dare say I resemble that remark, you jerks!
Justice League Europe #2 Rating: C. I would have given this issue a better grade if The Elongated Man had refrained from stretching his disgusting neck. But since he did it right on the cover, I already knew this issue was going to be a huge loser. I wish he'd drowned.
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