Aquaman #9

Maybe the Shaggy Man just needs a Snickers?

Hey! That's an idea! Has anybody tried giving Donald Trump a Snickers? Maybe he's just really hungry! If somebody gives him a Snickers, maybe he'll go back to the Trump who was pro-abortion and thought universal healthcare was a right of the people!

How bored must Donald Trump already be with all of this pre-presidential shit? He's like the football player who runs for Student Body President simply for the extra adulation and pussy but then ditches every student council meeting and completely ignores every single one of his duties.

Donald Trump is missing a grand opportunity. How can he not fill every cabinet position with reality television stars and aging child celebrities?! I'm so fucking disappointed in the loss of this potential New World Order!

Shit. I just realized The Shaggy Man isn't Donald Trump! I thought I was writing about the comic book already! The Shaggy Man Aquaman is fighting was created by Professor Ivo and not by Satan's jizz squirted into a bag of Cheetos and crumpled up dollar bills.

Aquaman tries to explain The Shaggy Man to Tula.

Aquaman: "It's like Doomsday! But worse!"
Tula: "Wait. How is it worse than Doomsday? Doomsday killed Superman!"
Aquaman: "Yeah, but Doomsday has to die to become resistant to the thing that killed him. The Shaggy Man just needs to be hurt by it and he's resistant!"
Tula: "But isn't The Shaggy Man a robot? Isn't it just a machine? How does that work?!"
Aquaman: "I have no idea! You just have to accept these things and live with them! Stop questioning the logic of our universe!"
Tula: "If this Shaggy Man is a real thing, what the fuck? How are people not rioting in the streets over planned obsolescence?! Why am I continually having to buy a new iPhone...I mean, uSphere every other year? Can't Professor Ivo make one from Shaggy Man technology?"
Aquaman: "I told you to stop questioning these things! The next thing you'll want to know is how I exist when Atlanteans and Land Dwellers have evolved into such obviously different species that my parents shouldn't have been able to produce offspring!"

How is Aquaman going to defeat The Shaggy Man?! Is he going to have to research every single thing the Justice League has ever done to it so as not to waste time attacking it in that manner? Or will he just get a bunch of comedians together by offering a job to punch up a script and then have them brainstorm ways to hilariously defeat an unbeatable foe? I bet The Shaggy Man has never slipped on a banana peel before! Or been told who is on first! Cream pie to the face? What if Aquaman forges an out of date Shaggy Man warranty card and then shows it to him? Also, there's probably a whole line of ACME products that nobody has tried.

No wonder Aquaman rarely uses his fish talking powers anymore! He's still traumatized by what Swamp Thing did to the dugongs he recruited to stop him!

Instead of helping Arthur, Mera is stuck answering an old lady's questions. Apparently it's more important to establish Mera's fitness to be queen than to help save the city or Amnesty Bay from The Shaggy Man. What an apt metaphor for traditions! They simply slow down progress and positive change to appease the older generations!

Murk tries to convince Aquaman that he can't defeat The Shaggy Man without the help of the Justice League, especially since he won't summon any innocent fish to assist him. But Aquaman has a plan! It's a crazy plan but it just might work! You always have to say a plan just might work so the audience knows it's risky and exciting instead of realizing that whatever it is, no matter how lame, it'll work because that's a pretty standard comic book contrivance. The hero must win eventually! Except in the rare cases where the hero doesn't win. But they eventually do win! You just can't ever stop reading in the middle of the story.

What is Aquaman's plan, you're wondering? Oh, let me tell you! But first, remember when I said this in my Aquaman #7 review: "The Justice League Identity Card is also a key to use the Watchtower Teleport System. That’s probably an important plot point that readers should remember for later." Well, it's time to remember that plot point! Which is why I wondered if you remembered the time I reminded you to later remember that plot point! Because Aquaman takes out his stupid Justice League Blockbuster Card which was such a stupid idea that I knew it had to be important later, and he activates the Justice League Watchtower Teleportation System!

Sure, at the time, I predicted maybe Manta might steal it. But I still knew something so stupidly obvious was going to be important!

The Shaggy Man (along with Aquaman's Justice League Identity Card!) is teleported into space where I'm sure he'll eventually meet up with Brainiac. Until then, the world is saved! By Aquaman's CostCo Discount Club Card!

The Ranking!
+0! I wonder how much Batman is going to charge Aquaman to replace his Justice League Identity Card?

Green Lanterns #9

The Phantom Ring logo looks like the Flying Nun.

The Ranking!
-2 Ranking! The last issue ended with some mysterious guy headed to Dearborn, Michigan to steal the Phantom Ring from the Green Lanterns. I mentioned how the person must be some boring nobody or else Sam Humphries would have revealed who it was to get readers excited about picking up the next issue. Well, guess what? The guy with the AK-47 on the hunt for the Phantom Ring is just a boring nobody! And this issue is his boring fucking story! He's an idiot named Frank who believed his entire adult life that one day he'd get a Green Lantern power ring. But it never happens. I mean, it almost happens, of course! Because that makes his super boring story more tragic and less boring (although it's still quite boring and possibly even more boring than that)! His story is so boring that it even steals a big heaping helping of Guy Gardner's life story! I mean, kind of, in that he was almost chosen to be a Green Lantern and then had to swallow the bitter resentment and anger that somebody else got the job. I didn't mean that he finally got a ring and then got fucked in a Power Battery accident that left him brain damaged and in a coma for years.

Speaking of Guy Gardner's brain damage, how dare people hate Guy Gardner for his attitude! He can't help it! He's suffered severe brain trauma! Shame on all the Guy Gardner haters! SHAME!

Anyway, this nobody nothing boring piece of shit, Frank, attracts the attention of Volthoom for some reason. I mean, why would Volthoom notice somebody as desperate and boring as Frank? The guy has been a nothing his entire life! A nobody! The whole point of the first eighteen pages is to let the reader know how boring Frank is! And also to remind the reader that Frank is the guy going after the Phantom Ring. Every few pages, I kept thinking, "What's going on? Who is this guy?" And then the next page would be all, "This is Frank! He's totally boring! But boy howdy does he want a Green Lantern ring!" Then I'd read a few more pages and think, "Wait. What's going on?" And so it goes until the end when Volthoom appears and tells Frank about a power ring that doesn't have to choose you!

Wait. Who is Volthoom talking to?

Green Arrow #9

Green Arrow offers Black Canary some protection as she perfumes her vagina.

According to the cover, Bear Fuck Island is also full of heroin poppies! That totally makes sense because when you're a bear, the greatest thing to do after eating a mouthful of poppies is to fuck whoever just washed up on shore. Also, the poppies are probably the reason the half-faced woman is building robots to guard the island! It's like how the Great and Terrible Oz decided to rule over Oz when he realized the street value of the heroin poppy fields surrounding the Emerald City. His hot air balloon basket was definitely lined with bags of heroin which is why he had to pretend to float off without Dorothy. The heroin just added too much weight to support a human female and her little dog too.

Last issue, I stated that Black Canary and Green Arrow were searching for Diggle by following bear tracks and semen. You probably thought I was joking, right? Well take a look at this, not true believers! I hope Stan Lee can't sue me for typing that.

Gross!

While tracking Diggle and a certain bear that isn't wild simply because it's a bear but also because it's not civilized enough to understand the meaning of consent, Dinah and Ollie stumble on the field of orchids. I mean poppies! Poppies are the ones that make heroin. Orchids are the ones that look sexually perturbing. While he and Dinah share a moment of silence for all of the lives ruined by heroin, somebody falls off of the cliff behind them. Mostly because Green Arrow shoots an arrow at the lip of the cliff, destroying it. I guess that's his Mountain Smashing Arrow that you all remember.

The man who fell off the cliff is Ata, a First Nations...um...First Nationer. He gets all snippy with Green Arrow because Green Arrow is a white man. Gah! It's so tiresome always getting called out on being a white male! It's like every time I take something that doesn't belong to me, or act like a woman in pain is just being dramatic, or call my retarded friends gay, people are always all, "Typical white guy!" How fair is that?! I mean, the guy has a point. Ollie is totes privved. That means "totally privileged" for all of you uncool readers out there. Also, I didn't want to spell privilege. But then I realized it might be confusing so I got out my word calculator and learned how to spell it correctly anyway.

Meanwhile, John Diggle is saying stupid things to his captor.

Don't admit to being enemies! Aren't you supposed to just be repeating your rank and serial number?!

Oh, my mistake! Diggle must know what he's doing because after calling Half-Face here a Ninth Circle Employee, she flips the fuck out trying to point out how she isn't one of them. She proves this by explaining her whole Bear Fuck Island operation to Diggle. In practically no time at all, Ana (that's Half-Face's real name) and Diggle become business partners! Apparently the natives of Bear Fuck Island are just trying to bring green technology to the world and make a little cash doing it. The Ninth Circle provided them with a substantial business loan but to secure the loan, Ana's tribe also had to produce heroin. Diggle explains how the Inferno sank and the bank is dead. But Ana insists that they still probably have two more Bank Ships floating about, the Purgatorio and the Paradiso!

Green Arrow and Black Canary learn all about the Bear Fuck Islander natives' tech from Ata as he leads them to the Bear Creation Laboratory. Apparently all the fucking bears died off but he brought them back for perverted reasons. And now Bear Fuck Island wants to bring their Fucking Bear Technology to the mainland! Except those gosh darned Bankers and Businessmen won't let them! I don't mean the regular ones that are just normal evil and vile! I'm talking about the weirdo ones that burn their employees' skin off before giving them a promotion.

Somewhere in the last eight issues, Green Arrow and Black Canary fell head over heels in love. I'm not sure I can pinpoint the exact moment but I think it was either when they fucked or when Black Canary called Oliver a privileged white male cis piece of shit billionaire asshole who was ruining the world and should probably go hang himself. Now they can't stop kissing each other every time somebody mentions how one person wants to kill another one! They giggle at that and start getting sloppy!

Oh my. The romance is getting me so wet!

I fucking hate competitive couples. I hate when two people are bickering and somebody says, "Get a room already!" I always think, "Better yet. Just stay the fuck away from each other!" Not that I'm saying a really good hate fuck isn't called for now and again. It's just probably not the best thing to found a relationship on. I feel like maybe Black Canary is enjoying the hate more than the fuck.

Oliver, Dinah, and Diggle destroy everything Ana and Ata created while attempting to escape the island. When Ata and Ana get pissed, Oliver just grins and says, "Let's get going! Once again, everything worked out for good old Green Arrow and his crew!" Then a bunch of explosions happen in the background and a bunch of bears burn to death. Green Arrow's final thought is, "I'm not sure how much good we've done here!" Ugh! Typical white guy!

So after destroying another people's native land, Oliver Queen heads back to Seattle with his friends. He'll probably never spare another thought for Bear Fuck Island and how he shit, pissed, and vomited all over the poor place.

The Ranking!
+0! Some of the art was cute although it was weird that Black Canary was drawn almost exclusively with her legs spread in one way or another. I don't think that was the main point of the story though! I think the main point was how native people could totally bring about a green revolution if it weren't for having to live with all of those horny bears.

Batman #9

Batman falls for Bane's Skull and Marshmallow Fluff Trap. No wait! I should have made a toilet of skulls joke! Dammit!

Remember when Lex Luthor became president? Just sayin'!

That previous sentence wasn't about this comic book! I just wanted to be clear because I'm sure some people read it and thought, "That's Bane on the cover, dumb-dumb! Not Lex Luthor!" I even mentioned Bane in the caption but the imaginary people I imagined didn't read the caption that closely which is why they were probably confused. I should probably stop imagining imaginary people since the ones I imagine are always so unbelievable. Mostly because over half of them had huge cocks.

Hey! Are we all glad the Monster Men story is over? I'm talking to the adults here! I know you youngsters love a good monster story, especially if it contains a few scenes of Spoiler pining over her dead beau and a few panels of Nightwing's tight and probably puckered asshole. I bet he doesn't even have any hair down there. Which probably means no dingleberries unless he's using really cheap toilet paper that manages to split and ball up just from the texture of the sphincter! Anyway, the adults are probably glad that they aren't reading a stupid monster story that didn't have any references to Shakespeare at all. At least I don't think it did. I don't remember any Kaiju in any of Shakespeare's plays. Although I never read Richard III, so I can't be completely positive there weren't any. Also, the Monster Men story might have been a rewriting of that one play where that one guy with the tiny dick didn't like the other guy with the big dick and so he psychoanalyzed him to death. Was that the plot of Titus Andronicus?

Anyway! Now is the time for the story we have all been waiting on pins and eggshells for: Batman joins the Suicide Squad! Oh man! My dick would be so hard right now if that had been a sexual statement! Instead, I'm just really excited to read this story!

"The only thing that can quiet the screams now is...a blumpkin!"

Bane has traded Hugo Strange a bag of monster creating beans for Psycho Pirate. Although isn't it Poison Ivy and Mongul who are doing the Jack and the Beanstalk story over in Trinity? Anyway, Bane decided Psycho Pirate could be his human Xanax prescription. Also probably Viagra. But Batman also wants that prescription for Gotham Girl! And I don't think Batman is the kind of guy who goes into a meeting with Bane with peaceful negotiations in mind. So poor, miserable, depressed Bane, who is only a product of his environment and nurturing (which were both awful and/or non-existent), is going to get his ass beat by a rich, privileged white man who had every expense at his disposal to soothe the pains of his youth.

I haven't even gotten to the Batman part and I think I'm already resenting him! Leave poor Bane alone!

Batman tells Alfred that he's going to join the Suicide Squad for a few issues and Alfred pretends to be surprised that Bruce is making an awful decision. Then Bruce lifts up the bust of Shakespeare to open the television entrance to the Batcave (I guess the clock entrance to the Batcave was cemented over. That revelation will be in All-Star Batman! I just know it!) so he can go get changed. Man! This story is already one times better than the Monster Men story because Shakespeare! I told you this was going to be an adult story!

Batman's first stop in his quest to save Gotham Girl is Arkham Asylum. He needs to visit Arnold Weskler, the original Ventriloquist. He's given up his buddy Scarface and become a model inmate in the asylum. Which is probably why Batman needs him for his Suicide Squad! Everybody needs a balding, pudgy, middle-aged man who used to pretend he was in the mob with his puppet to fill the most important role on the team! That role is a balding, pudgy, middle-aged man who used to pretend he was in the mob with his puppet who can die. The Suicide Squad always needs hit-eaters!

Weskler agrees to be on the team. I wonder whose ass he's going to put his hand up? What else is he good for?!

As Batman, Jeremiah, and Gordon walk to the next cell to recruit the next member of the team, they pass by cells containing Kite Man, Calendar Man, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, and some guy named Mayo. I can't be bothered to remember the secret identities of all of Batman's foes! They also pass by a cell with a blonde woman who makes the Legion logo in the fog of her breath on the glass. So there's a Legionnaire lost in time inside Arkham? I guess that's where you stick people raving like lunatics that they've actually time traveled!

Another member of Batman's Suicide Squad is the clown girl who must be The Joker's Daughter since Harley Quinn is living in New York. Or on the real Suicide Squad. It's hard to tell sometimes! Another member is the spy and I guess that's Bronze Tiger! Not the stupid ass Bronze Tiger who appeared in Red Hood and the Outlaws and had the head of a real tiger! No! This is the good old fashioned Ben Turner from Ostrander's Squad! I keep wanting to call Ostrander's Suicide Squad the original Suicide Squad but then stop myself before nerds jump down my throat to correct me. But we all know Ostrander's Squad is the original modern Suicide Squad, right? He's in Arkham on vacation or something because Batman is glad to see him and he's happy to see Batman. Blumpkins all around!

Apparently the clown girl isn't The Joker's Daughter and I'm more relieved than you know! Unless you've read every single commentary I've written featuring The Joker's Daughter. Then you were probably thinking, "Oh boy! Tess sure is going to be relieved when he finds out he's wrong about The Joker's Daughter!" And I would then respond, "I wasn't wrong, jerk! I'm never wrong! I was just thinking out loud!" No, the clown girl is Jewlee! Of Punch and Jewlee fame! I've been hoping that they'd wind up on the Suicide Squad again! I'm so happy that Batman is recruiting them. He's way better at this than Amanda Waller! So far, two out of his three picks don't have popularity immunity to death!

And Punch as well! Another member who might die!

Punch drugged Gordon and took his place hoping to get his hands all over and up inside Jewlee. But Batman figured it out because he's a genius! And he needs Punch because Punch escaped from Santa Prisca prison to get back to Jewlee. So Punch can get them back in!

That leaves one more member of Batman's team! A member so dangerous that Jeremiah Arkham is shitting all over himself in an attempt to convince Batman that letting this inmate out would be a bureaucratic nightmare! Also possibly a bloodbath in Gotham if this inmate gets away from Batman's side. It's The Joker, right? It's got to be The Joker! I can't see how it's going to be anybody else! It has to be The Joker! I mean, it could be somebody like Amygdala or Sumo because they're big, muscular idiots who could help take on Bane. But everybody is being so mysterious, it has to be somebody way more shocking than those jerkos! Like the Joker! See how Joker is an anagram for Jerko! It's a sign!

What?! This doesn't even make sense! Those Watchmen really screwed up this timeline!

After thinking about it for three seconds longer than it took me to write the above caption, which would I rather have? A Selina Kyle who has killed 237 people or a Selina Kyle who had been written by Ann Nocenti for a number of years? I mean, let's face it. The one who's into murder is way less tainted.

The Ranking!
+1! Let's face it: Selina Kyle hasn't killed anybody. This is just one of those "Let's Shock the Shit Out of the Bat-Cat Shippers!" moments. Seriously, Batman could never justify fucking a murderer, especially one of that magnitude! I mean, he can justify fucking her once and then pretending that he didn't know she was a murderer! But Bruce and Selina have one of those relationships that DC will never totally abandon. I mean, they might have for a few years where they seemed to be suffering from a stroke because what else explains giving Ann Nocenti full control of Catwoman?! But this is Rebirth! Rebirth is all about giving shippers what they want! It's right there in the title: Rebirgiveshipperswhattheywantth! See? You probably didn't notice but now that I told you, you'll never not see it again! Anyway, Batman probably barely even needs her to help break into Santa Prisca prison! This is just a good excuse to get her out of Arkham where she doesn't belong because Batman knows she didn't murder all of those people. It was probably just Cat Tuberculosis or something! And once she's out of Arkham and the mission is over, Batman will be all, "Whoops! She got away! Darn it! Poo! I'm so disappointed with myself! No that isn't a boner in my pants and I'm sorry but I really have to go meet somebody on a rooftop now!"

Superman #9

Titano lives on Dinosaur Island? Now I'm interested!

My biggest question about a Donald Trump presidency is this: how are foreign leaders going to keep from laughing in his face, rolling their eyes, and pointing at him while looking at their assistants and saying, "Seriously? This guy?" Of course they'll probably say "Seriously? This guy?" in a different language! I mean, he'll probably get along with Theresa May. But I can't see any other foreign leaders taking him seriously! Although I don't really know any other foreign leaders being that I have the attention span and interests of a typical American. I have a vague suspicion that there must be other leaders of other countries but I can't be bothered to look into the matter. And now that Donald Trump is going to be our president, I'm too embarrassed to even Google any other leaders. As soon as I see their faces, I will simply imagine how disappointed they are in my country and I'll feel really embarrassed.

Thankfully I read comic books to help me forget about all of the terrible actions that a Republican controlled government will take to ruin the economy and social welfare of the people! Although I'm not sure a comic book about an island where dinosaurs run loose devouring anybody who can't defend themselves will be much of a help in that regard.

Superman and Superboy have discovered the home of The Losers on Dinosaur Island. Most of The Losers are dead (including Pooch as Pet Killers Tomasi and Gleason gleefully pointed out last issue). But one still lives! A one-eyed, one-legged maniac who shoots first and second and probably third and almost certainly doesn't ask questions because corpses can't talk. Although he'll have to come up with some questions this time because he's shooting first at Superman. I don't know which Loser this guy is because I don't know The Losers at all. Why would I read a comic book about losers?! I pointed out earlier that I read comic books to help me forget about my life!

The man's name is Captain Storm and he's probably going to tell a story about The Losers. If he does, it had better have Superman in it because I bought a comic book about Superman. I'll feel ripped off if the comic book is about Superman listening to a story about the actual stars of the comic book. I might even think poorly of DC Comics for about ten seconds.

Captain Storm's story doesn't take too long to tell. That's a relief! Although, to be completely transparent, I already thought the bad thoughts about DC Comics! Storm simply points out that The Loser were all killed. Although they also thought he was dead and had a grave for him already set up. So maybe they're all still alive somewhere on the island! Even if they just buried a skeleton that had been wearing Johnny Cloud's dog tags! Maybe even Pooch! Although Goldie is still dead. Assholes.

Captain Storm has a trained pterodactyl. I can already imagine Gleason and Tomasi chomping at the bit to kill it!

Captain Storm says he knows where Superman's Plot Device is. Superman needs the Plot Device to get him and Jon back to reality. In this case, reality is not a world where dinosaurs and World War II fighting men share an island. Reality is wear grown men dress up in tights, wear masks, and assume stupid monikers.

Superman discovers that the creature guarding the Plot Device is a gigantic white ape with a cybernetic eye like the one Cave Carson has. I mean, like the one the giant squid that attacked them in Issue #2 had! It probably ties in to the Watchmen, right? Creatures watching the world? It sounds like something Ozymandias would come up with.

I hope when the Watchmen do turn up (you know, after Didio and Johns can come up with an interesting and believable story about why they fucked up the DC Universe and how it is absolutely the fault of the DC readership), Rorschach is back to life. He and the Comedian were the only interesting ones and they were both killed! But the Comedian was a rapist so he can't come back to life. But what did Rorschach ever do to deserve death except stand by his ideals! Bring back Rorschach! Bring back Rorschach! Down with Trump! Down with...whoops! My chanting got out of control!

An upsetting number of pages are used for a fight with dinosaurs and monsters. I'm sure they don't upset most people because it's a comic book! What do I expect? Intellectual literature and high-minded philosophy?! Well, yeah! Didn't DC fill their quota on boring monster fights with that Monster Men story? It's possible I've outgrown comic books. It's also possible it took me twenty five years too many to come to that realization.

Superman and Jon recover the Plot Device and Superman also takes Titano's eye before the Plot Device kicks in and begins returning them to the real world. Captain Storm decides to stay behind because he knows the world has changed too much for an old soldier like him. He's much wiser than Steve Rogers! Not that Steve Rogers had a choice about joining the modern world, I guess.

After transporting back to the Fortress of Solitude, Superman discovers that the gorilla's eye and Captain Storm's wooden leg he was hanging onto have disappeared. He doesn't know where they've gone but the reader sort of gets to know! Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) filched them! And he's standing in his out-of-continuity lair staring at his next creation: the New York Alien Monster Octopus Times One Million! Is he going to crash it into Earth-New-Earth so that all of the universes in the multiverse put aside their differences to face a common enemy?! Probably not. He's probably just going to give it the mind of Doomsday, strap Tim Drake to its back, and send it to Earth-New-Earth simply to cause death and destruction.

The Ranking!
0! I'm beginning to wish that this issue had been a story about The Losers! Stupid DC! Give me what I don't know I want even when I think I want the opposite of what I want and you give me what I thought I wanted! Jerks!

Bitch Planet #9

Why is Bitch Planet advocating voting for Donald Trump?!

On the day after America decided to stop pretending it wasn't sexist (even though it wasn't pretending very hard to begin with), I'm not sure I should be allowed to comment on a comic book called Bitch Planet. I am far too flippant to discuss serious topics like imprisoning non-compliant women on planets located on the far end of the solar system! I don't think now is the time for jokes about women being disrespected! Okay, I'm guessing some of you immediately thought, "You fucking think there's a time for those kinds of jokes?!" Well, yeah! I do! The ultimate goal of equality is for everybody to be the butt of a joke without it feeling like an attempt to dehumanize and take away somebody's power! The ultimate goal of an equal society isn't that nobody is ever made fun of! It's that anybody can be made fun of in the current way almost nobody cares when white hetero men are the butt of a joke! I say "almost" because there will always be a few hugely butthurt white nerds tsk-tsking from the back of the room. I don't mean this next part in a mean or condescending way but in a way that needs to be addressed because it's important to why they feel picked on: they're usually non-teenage (and sometimes late teenage) virgins. Being an older virgin can make a person feel useless and unwanted, and the feeling compounds weekly. The anxiety of not getting laid turns into resentment, bitterness, and anger. They begin to feel they are somehow owed this right of passage. Women no longer become friends or coworkers or possible romantic companions. They become the enemy, withholding the most sacred of all life experiences. Not that I'm speaking from experience! Women have been totally throwing their vaginas at me my whole life, and sometimes their buttholes too! My teenage years were like a waterfall of poontang! I was always having to tell women, "No, no! Not now! The Birds and the Bugs will have to wait! I'm trying to eat my pizza rolls right now!" And they were always, "But my place aches! You know the place! The place where the doing it happens! Do the thing to that place!" And I'd be all, "Oh my god! I just totally burnt the roof of my mouth!" And they'd be all, "Oh yeah! Yeah! Say more of that dirty stuff!"

Man, I hope people believe my sexy teenage life stories! I mean, because they are true and they should totally be believed! Unless they were sexist and I shouldn't have told them! I told you I shouldn't be commenting on this comic book!

But how can I not comment on this comic book! It's so good! And totally tells it like it is but in a secret fictional way that makes some people think, "Can you imagine if the world were really like this?!" And other people are nudge-nudging each other behind the person's back and whispering, "How cute! They think this is an allegory and not reality!"

Ha ha! It's true! Men never lie! It's like they don't know how! Or are too stupid to!

It's been nine issues and so far the Bitch Planet Megaton Team hasn't even played a real game! I thought this book was going to be an exciting underdog sports tale! If The Bad News Bears had taken this long to get into the baseball action, nobody would have said things like, "The best baseball movie ever made that featured a drunk man driving around a car full of kids hanging out of his convertible!" Or this great review of the movie, "Never has a team full of spics, niggers, women, and Jews wormed its way into America's heart like the Bad News Bears!" That part with all the racial epithets is practically a direct quote from Tanner from the movie, so don't get mad at me! Get mad at the twelve year old white kid with the filthy mouth! Also, now that I'm thinking back to that movie, it took an awful long time to really get to the baseball. It really dragged on with that whole relationship plot between Buttermaker and Amanda! Why was that even in the movie?! So boring!

Oh! What I was going to point out was that it's almost time for a real game! All of the contracts have been signed and now they just have to build a stadium on Bitch Planet. And that probably won't take more than six or seven issues, right?! I wonder what the Bitch Planet team mascot is going to be? Probably a huge cock and balls with Band-aids all over it and a big black eye! Not to be confused with a big black guy's cock and balls! Although that would work too! Also it should probably be circumcised! Otherwise people might think it's just a big sea cucumber. Although it could wear a turtleneck with the team's logo on the front if it's supposed to be uncircumcised!

On Bitch Planet, things are going a bit upside-down. Makoto Maki, Meiko's father, has discovered she's been killed and has now taken over central command of the prison. He's also the guy who's supposed to design the stadium, so I hope he calms down and stops trying to upset the prison status quo! I want to see some Sportsgames!

Everybody is freed from their cells and a riot ensues. Meanwhile, Whitney and Kam have found President Eleanor Doane's cell. I don't know how much I'm supposed to know about Madame President since this comic book has some really long intervals between issues and my memory is terrible (although I still totally remember all of that doing it I did as a teenager! Except I did so much, I don't remember the names of all of my partners! Like the one from camp! Or the one on my vacation to Canada! Or the one you never heard about because she was a new kid who got suspended almost immediately! Or the one I met at the beach that summer who had to go back to Australia!). Was Madame President the president who was changing things that caused a white male backlash (some CNN reporters might call it a "white-lash" even though that doesn't make sense. It might make sense if backlash were actually "black-lash" (which maybe it is since pundits are always making up stupid words! Although usually those words just have gate on the end)) which created a world where women couldn't speak their mind without risking a jail sentence?

Poop is going down fast now! The prisoners in Facility One are going to mix with the prisoners in Facility Two and apparently that's bad news. Why? I don't know! Does the atmosphere combust when women and trans women enter the same room? That seems improbable! Maybe the "explosion" is just a metaphorical one!

Oh. That's the problem! Bigotry! Or misogyny? Anti-gender politics?! I don't know the right phrase for this kind of prejudice!

As the women begin fighting among themselves, Kam arrives and finds her sister Mo. Mo, having no idea Kam was incarcerated on Bitch Planet as well, flips the fuck out. But it brings everybody together and they stop fighting because of some speech about everybody being sisters or something. It's probably touching if you're into emotions and stuff. Plus Madame President shows up to unite everybody for rebellion! I hope the takeover of the prison doesn't mean there won't be any Megaton matches where the Bitch Planet team kick ass and take the title!

That's the end of the comic book section. But that's only half of the comic! The next half is full of words in different sections. It's the part of the comic book that makes you think even more than the comic book part of the comic book! And even though I hate thinking because it hardly ever leads to shots of women taking showers, I'm still going to read it all! The first part is where Kelly Sue makes a statement. This one is called "Content Advisory: I'm going to talk about Donald Trump."

Kelly Sue says some things about Donald Trump's "Grab them by the pussy!" statement and the way the news reacted to it. It's all very smartly said and expresses some of the problems I had with it too! I totally had all the same proper reactions. But she also mentions that sexy lamp she's always talking about. Where can I get one of those?

The next essay I won't have an intelligent reaction to is Rebecca Wanzo's "Superhero: Feminist; Superpower: Killer of Joy, Destroyer of Worlds". I probably got the punctuation wrong on that title because it's actually two lines and I didn't feel like making it two lines in this commentary, so I just threw in a semicolon. That's good enough, right?

The essay totally sums up everything I should probably be feeling and almost certainly do, especially right now after having read it. Although she says this one bit about not laughing at racist or sexist jokes and I couldn't help but get my feelings hurt and tsk-tsk from the back of the room. Also, why am I standing back here with all of these white male virgins?

The next session is a dialogue between Rebecca Henderson and Kit Cox called "An Empire of Tears: Male Fragility and Weird Capitalism". I can already feel my ego shattering!

In the dialogue, Rebecca says, "Being able to say 'No,' and not suffer for it, is basically the vision I want for the world." Can we get a Hallelujah? Also, her Male Tears pin is absolutely lovely.

After that is the letters! I hope there's one from a guy who doesn't get it!

There wasn't! Also, letters pages take a long time to read! After the letters is the lip glossary which defines intersectionality. I didn't read it because I already know all about different types of couches. So instead, I moved right on to my favorite part of the comic book: the back cover!

The back cover is worth the price of the comic alone! And you can read it right there in the comic book store! They give it away for free! Like a slut!

The Ranking!
+2! This comic is always good. It has so many opportunities to be good what with the cover and the inner pages and the back cover. That's a lot of stuff! Oh, and the essays too! And sometimes it even has naked women in it! But your Male Gaze isn't supposed to be titillated by it! So avoid getting a boner (or whatever the female equivalent to a boner is. A reverse boner?) or you're not a good feminist!

Catwoman: Election Night #1 (Take Two!)

Come save us, Corndog Girl!

After yesterday's election fiasco, here's the problem with Meredith Finch's Catwoman story that I completely ignored. She's part of the media (only a comic book writer, sure, but still part of the media! Just, you know, a tiny part!) who decided to spread a dangerous message which completely worked. That message is that both candidates are terrible. But not only are they both terrible! The one that everybody knows isn't even fit for the office is only terrible because he's a swindler and a real estate scammer. Finch portrays the female candidate, the obviously more electable candidate as not just being a crook but a murderer. The media portrayed Hillary as a criminal and Trump as electable. Why is anybody surprised the anti-intellectual base of our stupid fucking country believed that shit? How do we impeach the media?

Thinking about this story a little bit more as well, why the fuck would one secret murder ruin the female candidate's chances of winning when everybody already knows that The Penguin has committed dozens or hundreds of murders himself! His umbrella fires bullets, for God's sake! I guess it's okay if a man does it but a woman committing murder, and when she's underage and not yet fully formed? That cannot stand!

Man, I knew Meredith Finch's story was going to be sexist before even reading it, I just didn't realize where it was on my first pass through the story because, as a dumb guy with no issues at all, it wasn't on my radar. It took seeing that the majority of Americans would rather elect as president an unfit Oompa-Loompa who, based solely on the way he speaks, is not an intelligent man than an experienced woman who would easily have kept this country prosperous.

Even white women failed to do the right thing in this election. It looks like we've got a bigger fundamentalist religious problem in this country than I would have thought.

We also have a whiny bitchy problem on the left. Conservatives go out and vote for their candidate no matter how shitty the candidate is. Liberals apparently take their Primary ball and go the fuck home. The left is full of entitled assholes who pout and scream when they don't get their way. I voted for Bernie Sanders because I want to see the Democratic Party move further to the left than it is (not so far as the Republicans have moved right. Although at this point, the two-party system is like a fat kid on one end of a see-saw while a skinny kid sits nearly on top of the crossbar on the other side. We need a fat kid on both sides at this point). But I still voted for Hillary because she was the candidate that made sense out of all of the stupid candidates on the stupid ballot. Hell, I could have voted for anybody I wanted to, being in Oregon, and I still voted for Hillary because it was the right thing to do for this country.

I'm less concerned about Trump being president than I am about both halves of Congress being majority Republican. If y'all were gonna go out and protest vote the president, you could have at least been responsible enough to not give the Republicans the entire fucking game board.