Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #17 (Fifth Week of March 2018)

E!TACT! #17
"A Reminiscence", Justice League #40, Batman: White Knight #6, Shade the Changing Woman #1, Eternity Girl #1, Action Comics #999, Suicide Squad #37, Justice League of America #26, Detective Comics #976, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Grunion Guy's Movie Reviews!
By Grunion Guy

A Reminiscence
By Grunion Guy

My editor, Pickle Boy, was sniffing the hand he just used to scratch his crotch when he said to me, "You know what, Boss?"

He calls me boss because I told him he has to.

"Boss," he said, "Boss, I think you should begin the newsletter with some kind of prologue. Like an essay or a sexy picture of you and your cat or something. You can't just begin with a comic book review that nobody cares about."

"And yet they'll care about some stupid essay which won't have anything important to say because I don't really care about anything at all? I mean, sure, I get what you're saying about the sexy picture though."

"Maybe you should write a story! Everybody loves your stories! Remember how those three junior high school girls in St. Louis went nuts for 'A Really Scary Story' and practically died when you creepily began following them on Twitter?"

"That wasn't creepy! That was cool! I was a star touching them with greatness!"

"You shouldn't say you touched them. I know I dropped out of law school to make sandwiches but I think I remember touching underage girls isn't great," Pickle Boy replied as he put too many onions on my sandwich.

"Hey, can you guys hurry it along, please?" said an old bat waiting to order her sandwich. She was super annoying and probably the villain in this story. I'm sure after she left Subway, she wandered off to poison an orphanage.

"I metaphorically touched them!" I shouted so that everybody stopped eating their sandwiches and crunching their chips and smacking their stupid lips. One of them probably said, "I'll have what he said!" and the audience remembered it forever. "Besides," I continued in my defense against pedophilia, "They're all in college now."

Pickle Boy sighed. He always sighs when I mention college girls. I think it might be because, in college, he did it with one that looked like a 3-D misprint of the hot girl at the local coffee shop (or at least that's what he claims). This was before he went to law school. Most of the girls he asked out in law school would respond, "Are you wearing acid washed jeans?" and then he didn't date them.

"You probably shouldn't talk about it anyway," droned on Pickle Boy. "Why don't you ever talk about your adult male fans?"

"Gross!" I exclaimed! If this script gets turned into a movie and the director decides to place it in the 80s, you could have me say "Gay!" instead of "Gross!" It would probably resonate better with older audience members who will turn to each other and nod enthusiastically while saying, "That's right! We used that word for everything back then!" Then a millennial will shush them and give them some side-eye before subtweeting them in a twenty-six long tweet thread about problematic older people and how they've ruined everything with their talking too loud in Subway shops and anti-pedophilia stances that sound suspiciously like joking about pedophilia. As if they know anything! Maybe they should concentrate on those old women getting pushy in the queue at Subway! They're the real monsters!

"Anyway, Boss," Pickle Boy kept on going. "You should think about it."

And I did think about it! But I decided I didn't have anything to say so I wrote about comic books instead.

The End!

Comic Book Reviews!

Justice League #40
By Priest, Woods, and Sotomayor

In this issue, the Justice League will be battling the Justice League of America. The cover shows them matching up against each other and I thought I'd predict who might win each battle.

Superman vs. Batman: Batman will win because Superman can't use lethal force. He also won't want to hurt Batman by using non-lethal force. But Batman can do whatever he wants to Superman because he knows he can't kill him. So Batman wins simply because the two combatants are fighting using different rules of engagement. And Superman's rules of engagement are lame (no offense to cripples meant!).

Aquaman vs. Black Canary: Black Canary will win because Aquaman has sensitive ears for hearing underwater. So she'll just introduce herself and Aquaman will fall on his knees and yell, "I yield!"

Wonder Woman vs. Vixen: Wonder Woman will win. Although I don't think it's right to show a white woman beating down a woman of color. I just thought I'd say that so everybody knows I'm awakened. Also I truly believe it! Such bad form, DC!

Cyborg vs. The Ray: This is the most even match-up in the group because a white gay male is equal to a black heterosexual male in the world of identity politics. Unless that's both racist and homophobic and then I think The Ray will win because Cyborg is boring.

The Flash vs. The Atom: This could be an interesting battle. How can The Flash outrun what he can't see when The Atom goes subatomic? But how can The Atom get inside The Flash's urethra when The Flash is so quick? Now maybe you see why I'm so excited for this penis. I mean battle!

Both Green Lanterns vs. Killer Frost: This is the "Which characters do I still have to draw?" match-up. It doesn't make any sense to waste two Green Lanterns on Killer Frost. Are we supposed to think Killer Frost can only be contained by two Green Lantern bubble cages? Or are we supposed to think, "Oh yeah! Simon Bax and Jessica Cruz barely even equal one Guy Gardner!" Okay, that's what I'm supposed to think. All the real comic book fans thought Hal Jordan.

The issue begins with the Justice League arguing about how racist they are. In the time it takes for the first word of the first person who begins the debate, The Flash could have evacuated all of the poor people. But he doesn't because he's the biggest racist of them all.

It's still cool to think Lobo is cool, right?

Speaking of how cool Lobo is, does anybody remember that anonymous guy who kept replying to all of my Twat Lobo reviews as if I were the most serious and dedicated reviewer of all time? How could he read any of my reviews and think that I was being serious? I think commenting on the Internet gives you brain damage. He had to be one of Cullen Bunn's friends, right? Or even Cullen Bunn himself?

He responded to my review of Justice League of America Rebirth #1 with this:

[First quoting me] "Lobo, like Rorschach, transcended the authorial criticism inherent in his creation!"

Transcended, no. Becoming the very thing he was supposed to condemn? Definitely."

First off, I ended that quote with an exclamation point! That's the first clue that I'm being a hyperbolic fanboy! What's worse is that I don't think he read the next few lines: "Also he looks super cool and sexy, wears radical knee pads that don't make any fucking sense, rides a motorbike, looks like he's wearing clown make-up, has a butt-rocker sense of style, and is way into space dolphins. He's the fucking best ever." The idiot can't even see that I'm doing that thing where I'm defending how he transcended the criticism with evidence that exposes that I'm just a stupid fan that loves all the dumb, satiric stuff about him!

Man, that guy was an asshole. I'm sure glad he's not one of my E!TACT Newsletter readers!

Also, I love Lobo so much!

The two Justice Leagues never battle. Granted, the cover just says they "collide" so I guess it's technically not a great big fraud to sell more comic books. Instead of punching each other, they spend most of the issue shitting themselves as the Watchtower plummets out of orbit with them in it. For some reason, Cyborg isn't able to Boom Tube them out and nobody has Doctor Fate's phone number. The Green Lanterns could have saved the day but they went on that mission with Martian Manhunter. Do you remember that because the cover artist didn't.

Rating: This issue was a bit boring. It was mostly everybody arguing about who should get to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. For some reason when Aquaman proclaimed he should, nobody said, "Yeah, yeah. Sounds like a good idea!"


Batman: White Knight #6
By Murphy and Hollingsworth

Rating: I'm fairly certain I missed Issue #3 in this series and I didn't even notice until this week. That might be a critique of this story or a critique of comic books in general. I could probably miss an entire week of books and when I was confused reading the books the month after, I'd merely assume it was my own memory at fault. Every new comic book should come with a reprint of the previous month's book.


Shade the Changing Woman #1
By Castellucci, Zarcone, and Fitzpatrick

I decided to give this series a chance even though I didn't like the character of Shade the Changing Girl and the series is still being written by Castellucci. Maybe now that she's a woman, things will get interesting. If you're an adult, you know what I mean by interesting and I don't have to explain how the birds and the bees makes you feel so good that you can't tell kids about it or else they'll start doing it immediately. You have to say things like, "Do you want to ruin your life with a baby like I did?!" and that might not go over well on your child's mental health further down life's road. Also you don't want to have to hear your child say, "What does masturbation have to do with procreation?!" Then you have to pretend you're angry so you can stomp out of the room and into the kitchen where you keep the dictionary stuffed in the junk drawer. After you've read the definition and sighed with relief that "procreation" doesn't have anything to do with "pro-life" which probably means your masturbating teenager isn't a filthy, disgusting member of the illogical religious right, you can go back into their room and threaten to take the door off its hinges if they won't stop enjoying their bodies in the way you don't want to think about your kid enjoying their body! Then they'll probably say something smart like, "Oh, so you want to watch me?!"

After you finish cleaning up your vomit from the doorway, you decide to do what every adult in the history of adulthood eventually decides to do: live in denial while making your kid do their own laundry. That settles that!

If you're not an adult, you probably didn't understand anything I just wrote and probably shouldn't think about it for too long.

See? Much better!

Rating: I lied. The occasional drawing of a booby doesn't make it better at all. The main problem with this book is that it has too much to say and doesn't ever get around to saying any of it. It acknowledges as many problems with life and identity as it can but never says anything about the way humans deal with those problems. Shade just goes, "Beauty!" Then she sees herself in a mirror as an anorexic and also as somebody with lots of plastic surgery. Then she moves on to say, "War!" Cue the shot of protesters facing off against each other with signs that read "You're wrong!" and "We're right!" on them.

"Whoa!" I think. "I've never thought of it that way! Could you explain a bit more, Shade?"

"NO!" she screams and goes on to say how love can make you sad and happy without any context or emotion. But I'm sure a bunch of readers read that and thought, "Holy fuck! That's exactly what love is like! Man, such good stuff!"

But it isn't. It's trite. Unless I mean tripe. Maybe both?


Eternity Girl #1
By Visaggio, Liew, and Chuckry

This series seemed interesting based on the backup Eternity Girl stories in the Milk Wars saga. But as I typed the creators names, I realized Sonny Liew was doing the art and almost immediately lost all interest while also getting super angry about how terrible his and Paul Levitz's Doctor Fate was.

Why do you keep making me remember bad things, Brain? You're the worst. No wonder I love Penis so much more.

Eternity Girl is suicidal. She teams up with her dead arch-nemesis, Madame Atom, to destroy all space and time since it's the only way Eternity Girl can die. While she's making these plans, she hangs out with her therapist, lying about how she's doing better and she's ready to go back to work. So, you know, like every person who probably committed suicide after which their friends and family all said, "But she seemed so happy and successful!"

Rating: I like this book so far. My only hope is that they don't push the idea that Eternity Girl's sense of meaningless and purposelessness is the main reason she's suicidal. It was brought up a bit but, as we all know (at least, I think we all know if I imagine everybody is just like me in the way my therapist told me I must imagine if I'm to not seem like a sociopath everywhere I go), existential crises don't automatically end in suicide. In fact, embracing the meaningless of it all makes some people (should I say everybody or is that just me projecting myself onto others? What is empathy?!) into much better people. The knowledge that this is all there is and none of it matters can make you a monster or a saint.

I should write a comic book called Saint Monster! Dibs! Or Copyrights! Or Trademarks! Pickle Boy, get to lawyering!

Anyway, suicide often has no other reason than an imbalance of stupid brain chemicals. You hear that, Brain? Nobody ever committed suicide over an imbalance of stupid penis chemicals! And don't blame Penis for getting sexually transmitted diseases! It was Brain's responsibility to prevent those, you idiot. Um, so, you know. I hope the creators don't try to work through Eternity Girl's suicidal tendencies in some way that logically shows why she shouldn't be suicidal. Hopefully she doesn't find that she does matter and then decides she wants to live. I'm more than half hoping (possibly 95% hoping?) that she winds up killing herself and taking us all with her.


Action Comics #999
By Jurgens, Conrad, and Nunes

It took nine hundred and ninety nine comics but Superman finally realized that throwing criminals into the Phantom Zone was a dick move. His first (and possibly only?) step in correcting this attitude is letting Hank Henshaw out. After which Superman immediately imprisons him in an Inertron cell (unless it's Adamantium) and puts him into a hallucinatory state so he won't cause trouble. Jurgens seems to be telling this tale to show that Superman is too good to be corrupted like, in the other half of the story, Sam Lane fears. Instead, it simply shows that Sam Lane is correct. Superman does believe he's above the law. What gives Superman the right to hold a dangerous criminal in captivity without a trial? How is that not exactly what General Lane is talking about when he fears Superman might take control to keep Earth safe?

Although, to be fair, what's Superman supposed to do? He sees how Batman just leaves dangerous criminals to the system and they wind up inside Arkham Asylum's revolving door. If Superman were to let humans deal with the threats he takes care of, it would be irresponsible!

Although, to be fair in a fairer way, Superman's foes always seem to escape just like Batman's enemies. So Superman can either follow the law and the villains he captures will still escape, or he can imprison people illegally while they still manage to escape. Since nobody can keep a comic book villain locked up, Superman should at least choose the option that doesn't make him look like a fascist.

Rating: Most of the comic revolves around Lois and Sam measuring their dicks. That's why Superman and Hank Henshaw have to punch each other for a few pages even though Superman really just wanted to talk with Henshaw. It's weird how characters in comic books can't have a conversation without first punching each other in the face for a few pages. I was really surprised that General Lane didn't smack Lois a few times.

I suppose DC had to make this issue boring so that Issue #1000 will seem extra exciting!


Suicide Squad #37
By Williams, Luis, Tarragona, and Lucas

I keep thinking I'm going to take a few hours to read through all the comic books on the stack but then I read something like Suicide Squad #37 and think, "That was fucking painful. I'm exhausted. Why do I keep doing this to myself?"

Although looking at this cover, I know exactly why I did this to myself. I think in a few minutes, I'm going to do it to myself again.

Ranking: It's possible Captain Boomerang died again this issue. The problem is the "again" part of that statement. I think every person on this team has died and then come back. This isn't the Suicide Squad. It's the Resurrection Squad. This comic books is terrible. I wonder how quickly sales would drop if DC Comics removed Harley Quinn from the team?

Man, I wish they'd remove Harley Quinn from the team.


Justice League of America #26
By Orlando, Mendonça, Vines, Faucher, and Sotomayor

Ranking: Poor, poor Justice League of America. For 25 issues, it had a free pass to be the best comic book DC currently publishes. That time has passed. Lobo has left the team. Although he did keep his JLA teleporter token, so he'll probably make guest appearances when sales begin to dip. The other reason this comic book has just trespassed into terrible territory? The next story features Chronos and begins twenty years from now. If only I had any reason to be optimistic about comic book time travel stories, I would be on the verge of arousal. But comic books have a long history of telling the laziest time travel stories in creation. I bet even The Bible told at least one decent time travel story.


Detective Comics #976
By Tynion IV, Fernandez, and Kalisz

Tynion begins this issue with a character saying, "The future is such a strange concept." The character then goes on to spew shit from his mouth. I know it's shit because it isn't anything that I would have said. What I would have said is, "The future is exactly like the past except we can't remember it for some reason." That makes sense, right? Imagine sitting on a bus. You haven't yet shit yourself and you don't remember shitting yourself. In some sense, you actually think that you won't ever shit yourself on the bus. But after two minutes of thinking, "I won't shit myself on this bus," you shit yourself while on the bus. Most people might think, "I really should have avoided this situation. And I'm sure I could have if I'd taken the proper measures to not shit on the bus." But what they should be thinking is this: "Whelp. I guess I was always going to shit on the bus. It definitely was my fault that I shit on the bus because I shouldn't have done all that crack and eaten all of that three day old chicken vindaloo. But since I was always going to do all of that crack and eat all of that chicken vindaloo, I really had no choice but to shit on the bus."

Not that I believe in fate! I'm just a pragmatist! Unless I mean realist! Unless I really mean idiot. It's just that we can't change the past so we probably can't change the future either. Unless time is like cement. There's probably a window of time where things set and then your course is stuck. But past that window, the cement is still being mixed in the cement truck. That's when you can avoid shitting yourself while on the bus. But once you're on the bus, it's too fucking late, man! You really shouldn't have smoked all that crack vindaloo.

Look, I'm not smart enough to understand time! I can't even understand space! And I don't mean outer space. I mean my own living space! How does one go about creating a life out of these shitty raw materials?! Sometimes I think the only way to get by is to shrug your shoulders, hold your nose, and jump into the deep end of adulthood. There's a certain amount of confidence needed to pretend you're as adult as all the other people doing a really good job of pretending they’re adults. Sometimes I think I'm still in the changing room refusing to take off my underwear so I can get into my swimming trunks.

Does that prove that I don't understand space and time? The fact that I made it into a swimming metaphor? It might actually be pretty apt because I refuse to swim in a public pool. I also refuse to participate wholly in society. I think maybe there are parallels there. Although one of those mostly has to do with how I'm trying to avoid submerging my body in the piss of other people.

Rating: This comic book has too many characters I either don't care about or hate to the bottom of my bowels: Tim Drake, Jean-Paul Valley, Stephanie Cluemaster, Tim Drake, and Tim Drake. I've always considered him the worst Robin. At least when I forget about Jason Todd, I do.

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Memory by Concrete Blonde
Concrete Blonde might be my favorite band of all time. This song is from Group Therapy, an album which came out after I believed they had broken up forever. The Non-Certified Spouse saw it and bought it for me before I even knew it existed. Not long after that, we were having lunch at Marco's Subs on Hawthorne and I picked up a Willamette Week to scan the local clubs to see who was playing. That's when I saw Concrete Blonde was playing at Dante's that night. So that was how I first saw Concrete Blonde live. Apparently at that concert was a friend from high school who had no idea I was living in Portland. She didn't come up to say anything to me and I didn't know she was even there until some months later. A mutual friend on Facebook mentioned she'd seen me at the Concrete Blonde show. It was only then that I remember seeing somebody at the bar who I thought kept staring at me and even sort of thinking, "That looks like Lisa." Turns out it was!
   That was a memory I had while listening to the song Memory!
   None of that has anything to do with this song which is slower than maybe I'd like. But since it's still sung by Johnette, I can't not like it. Her voice is fucking incredible.
Grade: B+.

How You Get the Girl by Taylor Swift
This song begins with Taylor having the most mediocre orgasm. I would have added "I've ever heard" but it's the only one I've heard so far. I think. Anyway, Taylor Swift gives advice on getting girls in this song. The gist of it is this: lie to her a lot. Say stuff like, "I want to be with you all the time!" and "I would wait for you forever and ever, even if you're fucking all of my friends constantly" and "I would rather hold your hand for hours than play Fortnite Battle Royale" and "I'm sorry for having fun without you" and "It's not a chore to make you orgasm after I get mine almost immediately!"
   It's catchy in that way pop songs are catchy.
Grade: B.

Heaven on Their Minds by Carl Anderson
Possibly my favorite song from Jesus Christ Superstar! I just recently found a new Karaoke place that lists this song among their inventory. That means I'll be singing it soon in front of drunk strangers! I have no idea how many times I've seen this movie (at regular speed as well as fast forward while on LSD). I've seen the musical live twice: once with Ted Neely as Jesus and both times with Carl Anderson as Judas. He's my favorite so it makes me happy to have seen him perform before he died. I didn't watch the recent live version of this although I did look up Alice Cooper as Herod to watch his performance on YouTube. I wasn't thrilled about the way he sang the song but I enjoyed watching him play the part. He's my favorite too!
   It's possible I don't know what the word favorite means.
Grade: A+.

All You Had to Do Was Stay by Taylor Swift
Fuck you, iTunes! Your random feature is the worst. Maybe I should just begin skipping songs when iTunes repeats an album in these short lists. Otherwise the list just gets shorter as I forget to talk about one of the songs because I'm too busy cussing at iTunes.
   Anyway, this song is another catchy pop song. Except this one has a bonus feature: every time Taylor Swift says the word "stay" in a high pitched voice, it's like getting an ice pick rammed into the front of your skull!
    I think this song is about a guy who broke up with Taylor Swift (I know all of her songs are about that! I haven't gotten to the bit that makes it different yet! At least I think it makes it different) but he wants to fuck her again. And she's all, "Dude. If you wanted to put your penis in my vagina, all you had to do was [ICE PICK IN MY SKULL]!"
Grade: C.

Interjections by Bob Dorough
This is that Schoolhouse Rock song that everybody my age remembers. I like to sing it as "Expletives."

He cured the infection,
With one small injection,
While Reginal uttered some expletives!
Asshole, that smarts!
Shit! That hurt!
Fuck! That's not fair!
Givin' a guy a shot down there!

But that isn't the best part of the song! The date rape part gets even better!

Though Geraldine played hard to get,
Geraldo knew he'd woo her yet.
He showed his affection
With a meat injection
While Geraldine hollered some expletives!

I guess it isn't as date rapey when I change it to my lyrics. The original song goes like this: "He showed his affection despite her objections while Geraldine hollered some interjections." I think a few of those interjections are "No means no!" and "Help! Rape!" and, of course the last one, "Hey! You're kind of cute!" This song might be Ground Zero for Rape Culture. Did I capitalize too many words in that last sentence? I might be edging into conspiracy theorist territory!
Grade: B- (it's not the best Schoolhouse Rock song but it certainly isn't any Busy Prepositions. Ugh! (Oh look! Interjections!)).

Grunion Guy's Movie Reviews!

Boy
This was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life up until a certain point that I'm going to spoil in the following sentences and possibly even this one. No wait. It wasn't that one. But soon, I'm sure!
   First off, everybody has New Zealand accents in this film by Taika Waititi. That already gives the movie +75 percentage points in my 1-100% rating system. How can you not love the New Zealand accent? I sometimes wonder how anybody in New Zealand can argue with anybody else in New Zealand. Wouldn't they all just start giggling and feeling good because they're listening to other New Zealand accents? I bet the only time anybody argues in New Zealand is when some stupid Australian steps foot on their island.
    Second off, the characters in this movie make me ashamed of my own personality. Why can't I be written as well as Rocky was written? Or Boy? Or Falcon Crest? Just a spectacular array of characters, with almost all of whom I fell in love, even if they didn't have any lines or much screen time.
   Third off, am I doing a movie review correctly? I feel like I should be smarterer. I mean, third off, Taika Waititi might be the most charming person in existence. The only person more charming is Taika Waititi when he's with either Jemaine Clement or Rhys Darby.
    Now is the part where I spoil the movie! This movie was pure joy and I was thinking, "This is my favorite movie! Do I even know what 'favorite' means? You know what? I don't care! This movie is my favorite." And then the goat was hit by the car and killed. Then all of my joy left me and I cried. I cried a lot. Then after the movie was over, I went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and sobbed. I don't think I sobbed as much as when my cat Judas died but I definitely sobbed more than after the finale of Mad Men. Also, I still don't know exactly why that made me weep snottily. Maybe I'm broken in that way Douglas Coupland warns in Generation X?
    I suppose even with the death of the goat, this movie was better than all the movies. I think maybe the goat was meant to get the viewer over the edge because there was so much low-level sadness in this thing but it was hard to tell it was sad because the accents and the cute characters. But then the goat died and you're left thinking, "Oh yeah. Some of this is really fucking terrible! Fuck you, life! You suck!" But then they all do the Maori dance to that super popular Maori song while dancing like Thriller and everybody is happy again. Also the goat doesn't really die. You have to stick around until the after credits scene to learn that.
Rating: 98%

What Am I Currently Reading?!

I just finished reading Piers Anthony's Apprentice Adept series. The last time I was in Seattle visiting my friend Xan (no relation to the land of Xanth, probably), we began talking about Piers Anthony for some reason. It's when I remembered this series. I told her it was where I first learned the word demesnes and I still didn't know how to pronounce it correctly. She also remembered the book where she learned that word but I don't remember what she said because I don't listen very well.
   Rereading the series was interesting because I'd forgotten how poorly the whole thing ties up (not that it's all tied up! I believe Anthony wrote more stories in this world later. I suppose I'll read those next). At the time we talked about the books, I remembered a couple of things. The main thing was that the characters compete in some elaborate game system where they pick categories to decide what they'll be playing. I didn't remember any of the games except the one where the main character competes against a person playing musical instruments. The other player is better but the main character shows the audience how to tap with their heel instead of their toe because that moves their whole leg. It's the only way white people know how to show excitement while listening to music, I guess. What a revelation though! Tap with your heel? Crazy!
   The main thing I learned from this series is that maybe I don't have enough life left in me to be reading books I've read before. Especially books I read when I was twelve. Why would I take advice from that smelly idiot?!


And that's a wrap on this week's newsletter! Goodbye, jerkos!

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #11 (April 1993)

Grant probably pitched "The Human Pubic Louse" and DC nixed it immediately.

The Cover
Stelfreeze tends to draw Batman a bit too glossy with way too many muscles and a smaller pee-pee than most artists (especially Simon Bisley). His covers are like a studio recording by a way-too-hands-on producer of a garage band that made it big with raw demos based on Satan worship. It's just too polished, man. Where's the blood and feces soaked front row audience? Also, I don't know what notes Brian received for this cover. "Batman has been reduced to the size of a flea so he decides to research fleas being that he's the size of one but isn't actually one. While researching fleas for no actual reason, somebody attempts to swat him and Batman raises his arms to defend himself. Or maybe Batman's casting a spell?" At a glance, this cover's great. I love it. I'm like, "Oh yeah! I'm all in on this comic book! Let's get to it!" But if I stop to look too closely, I begin to hate so many things about it. But mostly I hate the way my mind has convinced me that Batman's packing a razor sharp penis in that super tight underwear. Also the lack of Satan worship.

The Story
I'm about 900 pages into Mark Z. Danielewski's Tom's Crossing and it reminds me of Jordan Peele's Nope in that he seems to be defying critical expectations. We're a long way away from House of Leaves just as Nope was miles away from Get Out. Just as Jordan Peele decided to make a horror movie that wasn't explicitly about race relations in America, Danielewski seems to have decided to write a book that wasn't explicitly postmodern. Although a chicken's got to chicken (I grew up in the city so "chicken" is the only way I know how to explain what a chicken does). Obviously Nope had racial undercurrents, seen most effectually in the way non-white actors were seen by Hollywood, but the main horror of the aliens wasn't a metaphor. I don't think. Anyway, Danielewski's book is doing some weird fucking shit that's obviously right up his alley but it doesn't express itself as heftily as one might imagine. On the most shallowest of examinations, it's as if he's M. Night Shyamalan deciding to release a movie without a twist ending. Except, of course, it's not that at all and I should retract everything I've just written because Tom's Crossing isn't just a story about horses and freedom and the dead; it's also a story about audiences and how they retell stories and think about them and discuss them throughout their lives. Imprinted on the back cover of the hard-back book is the phrase "No one talks to the dead for free." What Mark's saying is that reading literature (the dead of the statement as most great literature was written by people long gone) does something to you; it changes you. And not just you. It changes every relationship you have. It expands the boundaries of our lives and thrusts us into a wider world, a larger narrative. Whereas Jordan Peele's first few movies were saying, "We need to discuss race in this country if we're going to come to grips with its history," Nope says, "Look, I told you what you need to know to understand this movie. We should be on the same page now." Tom's Crossing says, "I wrote House of Leaves 27 years ago and this is how it lives now: in the minds of its readers, constantly being chewed up and digested and regurgitated among fans. It still lives, growing and changing and remaking those who have read it." Is Nope commentary on Get Out? Is Tom's Crossing commentary on House of Leaves? I don't know! I don't even know if anything I just wrote makes sense! That's why I read comic books!

Alan Grant really can't be bothered to come up with creative names.

Last issue, the owner of the scary haunted castle was named Macabre. This issue begins with a guy with an axe in his head named Kadaver. I guess coming up with the name Zsasz burnt out Alan Grant's imagination for names. To top it off, his first name is Mortimer. You know! Morte? Death! Hmm, is this more clever than I'm giving Grant credit for? (Also, did Grant even come up with this character?!) Of course the big twist here is that Mort Kadaver isn't actually a cadaver; he's faking the whole axe in the head incident. He and his buddy, Jan Bodie (a Lennie Small type), have concocted this great prank to allow them to escape from prison disguised as a doctor and his patient. It works easily enough since Blackgate apparently only has one guard between the prison hospital and the exit. It's not long (four pages) before they're on the road in a prison van and speeding off to freedom. But they have nothing to do with The Human Flea. That's a whole second story happening in this issue. Two stories in one issue?! It doesn't seem plausible! Oh, that's because it isn't. "The Human Flea" is a two issue story!

Oh? Have people been hearing about this gross piece of shit? Is he the next big thing in Gotham villainy?

Sorry I'm being so judgmental about this guy's choice of persona but fleas are gross. Not as gross as Ticks but at least they're funny. I guess? God, I wish Alan Grant could have made this guy The Human Pubic Louse.

The Human Flea's weapon of choice is fleas. He just lobs a bunch of fleas at the bar owner and patrons who start screaming about being bit. Oh, come on! Flea bites don't hurt. Do they? If you're suddenly bit by dozens of fleas at once, what would it feel like? Maybe itchy? Like you're being tickled by a feather? I suspect it wouldn't hurt at all. This guy should have thrown a bottle of wasps at them. I get that his gimmick's good for escaping because he leaps at about the same size to distance ratio as an actual flea. But fleas as weapons is just pathetic. And kind of gross.

Batman just happens to be nearby and attempts to stop the Flea in mid-leap. It doesn't go so well for Batman as he's kicked in the chest by the Flea's super strong legs and winds up face planting on the roof of a nearby building. Thanks to the might of, um, resilin, The Flea manages to accelerate away too fast for Batman to follow. I'm not doing any extra research on "resilin"; I'm just taking The Flea's word that it's as super powerful and amazing as he keeps saying it is. If I was into doing research, I wouldn't be reading comic books. It's bad enough that I have to keep checking a dictionary while reading Tom's Crossing because Mark Z. Danielewski needs everybody to know that he's memorized the dictionary like Johnny Truant and Hal Incandenza.

I think Stelfreeze based the cover on this panel.

Oh! Remember there's a second story unfolding here! I guess Grant knew a story about a guy dressed as a flea wasn't going to fill much space so he added the story of Mort Cadaver escaping from prison with his forced accomplice Jan Bodie. They've fled to Mort Cadaver's secret lair: the de Vere mausoleum in the middle of a cemetery. Does "Vere" have something to do with "truth", as in "veritas"? I would know for sure if I had a friend who spoke French. But I don't know for sure because online translators, while never being great, have become utter garbage. Just tell me if "vere" means anything in the language I chose! Stop trying to detect other languages! Stop trying to autocomplete entirely new words! Why must every user interface experience assume that the user is a toddler with severe brain damage who's also extremely lazy and needs everything done for them?!

Anyway, here's Mort's office. Cozy!

Commissioner Gordon's truly gobsmacked at the idea of a Gotham villain being called The Human Flea. Did he recently get whacked in the head and forget about all the other villains in the city? Did he forget he works with a man in a bat costume? What's so fucking special about a guy dressing up like a flea?!

After coming to terms with the idea of a human flea, Gordon discusses the prison escapees with Batman. Apparently Kadaver was recently shot by The Penguin and discovered to have an inoperable brain tumor. He'll be dying any day. Gordon can't understand why a dying man would escape prison instead of spending his last awful shitty days behind bars. Um, is Gordon okay? How come he suddenly doesn't fucking understand anything about reality? A dying man wants to be free to die on his own terms? Shocking! A criminal dressing up as an insect? Unheard of!

Batman decides to let the cops handle Kadaver for now as he heads off to research The Flea.

So to be The Flea, he must know everything there is to know about them? Was Batman an expert on bats when he donned the costume? What about Robin?

Being that The Flea's using technology to allow him to leap all over the place, I'd guess an engineer would be a more likely culprit than a flea expert. It's not like you have to be a flea expert to gather fleas to throw at people you want to rob. You just have to be a filthy, disgusting person! In my mind, I keep replacing "flea" with "pubic louse" to make the story more entertaining. "The pubic louse isn't exactly bathed in glamour!" You're not kidding, Batman!

Also the main culprit on Batman's list is the owner of a Pubic Louse Circus. The main stage is a pudendum!

Meanwhile Kadaver begins preparations for his big death scene.

Was Kadaver the star of Dragonball Z?

Mort escaped with Jan Bodie because Jan Bodie was arrested for protesting for animal rights. That means he knows people who will be willing to break into a lab where they do experiments on animals without having to tell them his real plan of releasing a deadly plague across the city. And that, my friends, is why these two stories are being told together. Because fleas spread deadly diseases! So if Mort has got to die, so does everybody else in the world. It's a pretty logical psychosis, if you ask me. Why should history have any kind of continuity post me? Doesn't seem fair, really. I'm already angry that so much stuff happened before I existed. Seems rude when you get right down to it.

Batman investigates the owner of the flea circus and decides he can't be the flea because he's old and fat. But he sure does seem to be lying, thinks Batman as he swings away itching all over. The owner goes in the back room where his grandson is sleeping off his crime spree and yells at him to stop being The Flea or else Batman is going to fucking break all of the bones in their bodies. The grandson is all, "Oh, yeah, okay. Sure, grand dad. Just trying to help pay the bills around here seeing as how nobody fucking gives a shit about flea circuses, you old dope!"

There's still one more issue to go so I'm guessing the grandson will have to don the costume at least one more time. Maybe to help save Gotham from Kadaver's plague! Batman's going to need a flea expert to stop the spread of the disease. For, um, some reason. I mean, I guess it makes sense if you're a comic book.

The Ranking
I only have two serious problems with this story: 1. Batman believing that a guy dressing like a flea needs to actually know or be obsessed with fleas. Not all of his rogue's gallery have to be obsessive about shit. 2. No Satan worship. Parts come close, like how Kadaver's lair is a mausoleum and he's got the corpses uninterred and stacked up like his own private audience. But he doesn't cast any dark spells or perform any black masses or sacrifice any babies. It's probably unfair that I'm judging this comic and not every comic I've ever read for not being about Satanic worship but that's life, right? Sometimes you come so close to Satanism that you remind me it's a thing and then I'm disappointed that you didn't embrace that thing that you had no intention of embracing. But the mere reminder of its existence doomed you to fail in my eyes when I suddenly realized I wanted this to be about Satan worship. Sorry but I'm just as petty as every other person on the Internet who can't accept anything for what it is and judges it on what they thought it should be. We're all such fucking idiots who can't suffer whimsy or joy! I blame Republicans! Which, sure, isn't a surprise since they're vile and disgusting. Plus putrid. Also bloodthirsty. Did I say repugnant? Also smelly.

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #10 (March 1993)

Batman discovers a secret ruler of Gotham? More proof Grant invented the Court of Owls idea.

The Cover
Look, I might be wrong about that caption. I haven't read this comic book before. Not "I read it thirty years ago and don't remember it." I have never read this one. I just picked it up at my local comic book store (Excalibur! Hi Debbie! Hi Peter!) for basically cover price. Unless, of course, I already own it and it was stored — for some stupid reason that my brain thought was a good reason decades ago — separately from the other Shadow of the Bat comics. But none of that has anything to do with the cover though so, um, let's start again!

The Cover
Brian Stelfreeze depicts Batman as mostly shadow hovering and/or falling in a twisted Escheresque landscape. This suggests Batman is lost within Gotham which he should never be. He is the master of Gotham and knows every inch of it. So why has he lost a part of himself (lack of color!) and become trapped in this surreal hell without an obvious enemy in sight? It's an interesting and eye-catching cover which Stelfreeze desperately wants us to know was painted.

I don't know art. Did he want this textured result? Or did he forget the painting in the boot of his car over a long, hot day?

The Story
I'm a little bit sick of reading Batman comic books since I've been doing it for about four months now. And yet I went and purchased another stack of them just when I was about to bid a fond farewell to my issues of the Caped Crusader. I'm hating myself a little bit right now. Or a little bit more? It's hard to tell at my age. I've become so comfortably numb with my self-loathing that it's like a second skin. Sometimes I can even convince myself that I don't hate what I've become and actually embrace who I pretend to be. But then I remember that I've been pretending to be so many different people for so long that I'm not sure there ever was a real me at the foundation of it all. Well, if there is, that asshole's going to have to read a few more issues of Batman this month. Get fucked, sucker!

The issue begins with Batman arriving at a castle overlooking Gotham City. The Narrator explains that it took thirty years to build but when were those thirty years? Eighty years ago? Fifty? Thirty years ago so it was just finished which is why this is the first I'm hearing about this castle. I know I'm not a Bat-Scholar and know precious little about the DC Universe so maybe the fucking castle has been there forever. This could be one of those Morrison or Johns things where Alan Grant has dredged up the memory of an old Batman comic he read when he was six about a ghost castle outside of Gotham.

Grant begins the story in media res (as many comics begin but I think he's doing it legitimately and not where they show an action shot on the first page and then restart the story from the beginning) so we're not sure what led Batman to the castle. But Batman hints that a case he's been working on has led him there and he states explicitly why he's come.

To prevent murder!

As we can see, Batman lacks all respect for this thane. Of course he does. This guy doesn't own Gotham. He doesn't know Gotham like Batman knows Gotham. He's just a cheap John trying to purchase a quick thrill from Batman's lady. Well, a thrill that took thirty years so maybe not that quick. But the final act will probably be quick. Stupid men mostly being terrible at sex because they're selfish and they've trained themselves to ejaculate quickly before their mom walks in on them.

Dammit. How did I go from Batman to jerking off? Usually that train derails from that track when I'm discussing Robin. Not because I'm a pedo! Because he's a teenager whacking off all over Wayne Mansion and Alfred has to wash his disgusting sheets and socks and pretend he doesn't seen Robin's DNA all over everything.

Batman climbs onto the roof of the castle to find, as he explicitly states, an Escher-like landscape of stairs and multiple doors. He thinks, "The quickest way in," and then attempts one of the doors. How did he know that particular door was the quickest way in (also it wasn't)? Or does Batman just look at houses and think, "Aha! The quickest way in!" Then he walks in the door and nods knowingly at everybody who tried to get in through the chimney or the window. Although knowing Batman's history, isn't the quickest way in usually the skylight? Oh, that's probably why he went up to the roof! He was going to drop in via skylight! But it's a castle so he was foiled because castles almost never have skylights. Idiot.

After embarrassing himself by trying a false door, Batman gets down to some serious detective work.

Angus Macabre built this castle. He's now having a dinner party that will result in murder at 9:45 PM. Or so Batman believes. Maybe this is one of those House on Haunted Hill situations. You know. Some rich eccentric guy who wants to kill his wife hosts a party and fakes a haunting so a bunch of people are witnesses to how a ghost killed the guy's wife. Is that what happened in that movie? That's how I remember it!

Angus Macabre explains to his guests, in a thick Scottish accent, that they were invited to this party because of some kind of history they have with him. One other person was supposed to be invited as well: Thomas Wayne. But Bruce sent Angus a note saying, "Sorry to tell you but Thomas Wayne was shot in the face with his wife nearly thirty years ago. Regards, Batm--Bruce Wayne." The invitation itself must have alerted Batman to Angus's plan since he seems to suspect that Angus wants to murder everybody invited to the party. Why his father? What did he do to Angus?! I bet Angus was totally into Martha.

Eeek! That's almost as scary as the skeleton from House on Haunted Hill!

Angus Macabre tells a thirty year old tale which answers why they're all here. Thirty years previously, Angus's wife was about to have a baby. But the hospital was full to the brim with train crash victims and they had nobody who could deliver a baby. Thomas Wayne just happened to be nearby and declared he could deliver a baby even though that wasn't his specialty. Along with a nurse and an intern anesthetist, they were able to deliver Angus and his wife's baby.

Gross. I guess they did it wrong.

I guess Angus was upset that his baby was born so hairy and with buck teeth and also because his wife died while delivering it. Even thirty years before 1992, you couldn't just toss a baby in the trash can if it came out ugly after killing your wife. So Angus was now saddled with a disgusting baby and he blamed the doctor Thomas Wayne, the anesthetist Dale King, and the nurse Joan (now married to Dale) from so many years ago. He should have blamed his wife and either his dick or the caveman his wife fucked. Although maybe Batman's wrong? Maybe this dinner party is simply to celebrate his son's 30th birthday and he wants to thank the people who helped bring him into the world? I bet he's grown up to be a terribly disgusting yet successful man. Or a Batman villain!

After receiving the invite, Batman thought it was suspicious so he researched Angus Macabre. He discovered that Angus had tried to sue the city and everybody involved but eventually gave up and decided to build an insane castle instead. Obviously he's intent on revenge then, right? Or, and maybe I'm just an extreme optimist, celebration? This is just a cute little party for his horrid son, right?

At least there's cake.

Batman discovers the kitchen which seemingly hasn't been used for years, except maybe the cake pan and the rat poison. But while Batman investigates, he's ambushed by Lachlan the Monster Baby. I mean Lachlan the Monster Young Man of Thirty!

Another person at the party is some guy named Warren. I didn't mention him because I didn't know how he fit in but it turns out he was the lawyer who told Macabre he should drop his lawsuit because he didn't have a case. Okay, sure, he probably deserves to be killed. But not Dale and Joan! They did all they could and they didn't even throw up when they got a look at the hideous baby! You couldn't ask for more!

The lawyer slips up and says something about how Angus must know the truth which is why he brought them there to kill them. A-ha! So he does deserve to die! But Dale and Joan are just innocent victims who tried their best with 1960s medical technology!

Yes, Lachlan, yes! That is Baaaat-maaaaan!

Batman doesn't exactly beat the shit out of Lachlan but he does throw him to the ground and makes him cry. I'm used to Batman beating up mentally ill people but mentally handicapped people now? Come on, Bruce! Be better!

Apparently Joan and Dale did deserve to be sued for malpractice because they made some kind of deal with the lawyer to get the case dropped. But he's been blackmailing them ever since. Although wouldn't Thomas Wayne bear the brunt of the responsibility? He decided an intern was good enough for the procedure. And what would the nurse have done that went against Wayne's instructions that would cause her to be at fault? And since if anybody is to blame for the death of Macabre's wife it would be Thomas Wayne, then it was surely a tragic accident that could not have been avoided. Because we're not going to sully Thomas Wayne's name here. Are we?!

Batman realizes time is short so he teams up with Lachlan to save the day.

"I know you can't understand that I'm manipulating you to help me throw your father in jail but that's life, kid!"

After Angus winds up in jail for attempted murder, maybe Batman will hire Lachlan to help out Harold in the Batcave?

Batman winds up having to save everybody from the gun wielding lawyer who loses his mind at the thought that Angus might be trying to blackmail them. He learns that Angus was just trying to get everybody involved to show a little compassion for him and his son. Why after thirty years? I don't know. Maybe he ran out of money building the crazy castle for his son to play in and was hoping they'd feel bad for their part in his wife's death and give him a little charity. But in the end, they all just leave feeling a little sadder and maybe a little guilty. But I bet Bruce Wayne sent him a big fat check soon after! Maybe he even offered Lachlan a job for $100,000 a year!

The Ranking
I just love these Alan Grant one shots. I'd forgotten what it's like to read a mainstream comic book that doesn't spread the story out over six issues for future compilation considerations! Just a nice little story about Batman punching a mentally disabled person in the face and then bribing him to take him to his father so he can arrest him on suspicion of murder. Of course, the rat poison kept in the kitchen was actually meant for rats and didn't wind up in the cake at all so Batman felt pretty sheepish by the end of the story. Not only did he jump to a conclusion that could have seriously hurt an old man but he also knocked the shit out of his poor mentally disabled son! It truly wasn't one of Batman's better showings. But I'm glad the story was told so we could see one of Batman's rare fails! I mean, ultimately everything turned out okay. But Batman was fucking on the wrong track the entire time and was just lucky that a villain appeared in the lawyer that Batman could take out.

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #16 (Fourth Week of March 2018)

E!TACT! #16
The Terrifics #1, Strangers in Paradise XXV #2, Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles #3, Deathstroke #29, Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #5, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy

This week, let's start with a letter:

Upright: So why’d you leave the website and turn to newsletters?

My reply: I liked the idea of doing something that was more akin to a zine than a web page. I had been playing with the idea of doing a monthly roleplaying zine to publish digitally for a dollar. It was going to be a companion piece to my cribbage roleplaying game with lots of other features. I'd even designed most of the first issue but realized I was way too far ahead of myself. I still needed to get art for the cRPG (cribbage roleplaying game and not computer roleplaying game. Maybe I need different shorthand for it) and make some tweaks with the game world.

About the same time, I was drifting away from reading as many comic books as I had been and didn't feel like writing about most of the ones I kept reading (being that the worst comic books were the most fun to write about and those were the books I had stopped reading). Plus the comic book branding on the site was never as great as it should have been being that I didn't give a fuck. What the hell does the gibberish name "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea" have to do with comic books anyway? And what kind of review site barely reviews the comic books they're writing about due to constantly segueing into "made-up" stories like masturbating in the bathroom sink (which was totally made up and not just in the way that somebody insists that something embarrassing is made-up so that the person thinks it's true because they're protesting too much but in the way where a person protests just enough so the reader thinks, "Yeah, that totally can't be true. Gross.").

So I was looking for a change and thought that before I try to publish things on Amazon or whatever online publisher isn't akin to sucking the devil's cock, I thought this could be an interesting hybrid idea. I figured I could begin doing shorter comic book reviews by dropping most of the comic book review but keeping all the tangents. Then I thought I would add more features as I went along to make it more zine-like. It would be more like my original Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea blog idea than the comic book pseudo-review site it became.

One other thing before another thing and then a final thing: people who follow you on social media sites probably rarely see anything you post. When you see a person on Twitter or Tumblr and they follow more than a few dozen people, you realize that they may as well not be following anybody. They certainly aren't seeing everything every follower posts which says to me that they don't really give a shit about any of the people they follow. I mean, obviously they do or they wouldn't follow them. But when you follow your 968th person on Twitter, do you really think you're going to see much of anything that person posts? Maybe people are spending a lot more time on these social media sites than I give them credit for!

Anyway, I decided that anybody who still felt the things I write to entertain myself were still entertaining to them, they could follow me this way. And then when they wanted to stop following me because I hurt their stupid gun loving Republican feelings, they could unsubscribe. At the very least, I'd have a better gauge on how many people were, in some small way, feeling entertained by stuff that entertains me.

The other thing: most of the people on the Internet don't deserve most of the things on the Internet. So this is my velvet rope to keep out the morons.

That final thing I mentioned: in a future Newsletter, I will start trying to sell things. I just have to finish a few of them and find an artist. And then decide how to publish them. I'm really looking forward to selling everybody a copy of The Chicken by the Gate.

I still (rarely) post reviews on the website. But only to remind people that this is where I'm really spending my time. I mean the time I'm not spending playing Fortnite and Overwatch.

It's also possible that all of that is bullshit and a therapist would realize that the only reason I spent so much time working on the website previously was because it was also time spent hanging out with my cat Judas. Once he died, it just wasn't the same anymore. But that imagined therapist can go fuck herself for making me sad all over again. Stupid jerk!

Comic Book Reviews!

The Terrifics #1
By Reis, Lemire, Prado, and Maiolo

I don't know why I scanned the middle part of the triple sized vertical cover when the bottom part is the most interesting because it features Tom Strong.

There was a time when putting Plastic Man into your mainstream comic book meant you didn't give a fuck about your comic book. It screamed "This comic book is a silly piece of shit that nobody is going to take seriously." Which is weird because I've always thought that that was how comic books should always present themselves. Unless, of course, you're Chris Ware and then your comic book should scream, "You are going to weep harder than that time that life kicked you square in the crotch and then pissed on your face and recorded it to play back in front of all of your loved ones every time they almost thought perhaps they might be a little bit proud of you."

Writers should never fear putting whimsically silly characters into their comic books. But the problem with most writers is that they're writers. And writers often have this pressing need to seem profound and intellectual. If I were allowed to declare who could be a writer and who couldn't, I'd immediately disqualify all men with severe daddy issues who need to prove themselves to the world. I think we've had enough of those. Besides, why aren't they going into Wall Street with the other "Daddy! Daddy! My bank account proves I'm not a failure!" asshats? Then they'd have to pass my only test. I'd put them alone in a room with a covered easel (and hidden cameras, of course!). Then I'd press a button and the sheet would drop from the easel where a canvas would rest with simply the word "fart" on it. If they sneered or rolled their eyes or clutched their "I'm above this kind of juvenile bullshit" pearls, I'd announce that they couldn't be a writer. Right after I filled the room with my stored farts, of course.

Maybe it's a good thing I'm not in charge of who gets to write. I suppose some highbrow bullshit that gets you thinking about stuff I never want to think about is good for somebody somewhere. But I'd rather read Vonnegut than Hemingway. I'd also rather force people to do what I would do.

But then maybe I should also remember that I'm re-reading a bunch of Piers Anthony books currently. I'm not sure I'd say he's a sexist writer but his works are definitely burdened by the male chauvinistic attitudes of mid to late twentieth century thinking. I know I'm supposed to be commenting on The Terrifics #1 but here's an excerpt from A Spell for Chameleon, a book written in 1977 which won the Novel of the Year from the British Fantasy Society. I meant to write some kind of essay on the sexist and gendered attitudes in the Xanth novels but I'm too lazy to get into that kind of structured bullshit. That stuff is written by people who don't smirk at the word "farts."

Excerpt from A Spell for Chameleon (for review purposes only or something. Stupid Pickle Boy was supposed to get his law degree to help me out with junk like this but did he? Nooooo! He decided he'd rather work at Subway):

The others arrived: two men and three young women. The men were ordinary, bearded farmers, one young, one middle-aged; the girls ranged from indifferent to ravishing. Bink forced his eyes away from the prettiest one lest he stare. She was the most voluptuous, striking, black-haired beauty he had ever seen, a diamond in the mud of this region.
     "Now the six of you sit down across from each other at this table," the bailiff said in his official voice. "I'll do the talking when the judge comes. Mind you, this is a play—but it's secret. When I swear you in, it's for keeps—absolutely no blabbing about the details after you get out, understand?"
     They all nodded. Bink was becoming more perplexed. He now understood about playing opposite a sweet young thing—but what kind of play was this, with an audience of one, that no one was permitted to report on later? Well, so be it; maybe it was a kind of magic.
     The three men sat in a row on one side of the table, and the three girls faced them. Bink was opposite the beautiful one; her knees touched his, for the table was narrow. They were silky smooth, sending a shiver of appreciation up his legs. Remember Sabrina! he told himself. He was not ordinarily swayed by a pretty face, but this was an extraordinary face. It didn't help that she wore a tight sweater. What a figure!
     The judge entered—a portly man with impressive paunch and sideburns. "All stand," the bailiff said.
     They all stood respectfully.
     The judge took a seat at the end of the table and the bailiff moved to the far side. They all sat down.
     "Do you three ladies swear to tell no truth other than that presented in this hearing, any time, anywhere, and to shut up about that?" the bailiff demanded.
     "We do," the girls chorused.
     "And do you three louts swear the same?"
     "We do," Bink said with the others. If he was supposed to lie here, but never to talk about it outside, did that mean it wasn't really a lie? The bailiff knew what was true and what was false, presumably, so in effect—
     "Now this is the hearing for an alleged rape," the bailiff announced. Bink, shocked, tried to conceal his dismay. Were they supposed to act out a rape?
     "Among these present," the bailiff continued, "is the girl who says she was raped—and the man she charges. He says it happened but it was voluntary. That right, men?"
     Bink nodded vigorously along with the others. Brother! He would rather have chopped wood for his night's lodging. Here he was, possibly lying about a rape he never committed.
     "This is done anonymously to protect the reputation of those involved," the bailiff said. "So's to have an advisory opinion, in the presence of the first parties, without advertising it to the whole community."
     Bink was beginning to understand. A girl who had been raped could be ruined, though it was no fault of her own; many men would refuse to marry her for that reason alone. Thus she could win her case but lose her future. A man guilty of rape could be exiled, and a man accused of rape would be viewed with suspicion, complicating his own future. It was almost, he thought grimly, as serious a crime as having no magic. Getting at the truth could be a very delicate matter, not something either party would want to advertise in a pubic trial. Win or lose, reputations would suffer grievously. Yet how could justice be done if it never came to trial? Thus this private, semianonymous hearing. Would it suffice?
     "She says she was walking down by the Gap," the bailiff said, glancing at his notes. "He came up behind her, grabbed her, and raped her. Right, girls?"
      The three girls nodded, each looking hurt and angry. The vigorous head motion caused the knee of the girl facing Bink to shake, and another ripple of suggestion traveled up his leg. What an opposite lady, in what a play!
     "He says he was standing there and she came up and made a suggestion and he took her up on it. Right, men?"
     Bink nodded with the others. He hoped his side won; this was nervous business.
     Now the judge spoke. "Was it close to a house?"
     "'Bout a hundred feet," the bailiff said.
      "Then why did she not scream?"
     "He said he'd push her off the brink if she made a sound," the bailiff replied. "She was frozen in terror. Right, girls?"
     They nodded—and each looked momentarily terrified. Bink wondered which of the three had actually been raped. Then he corrected his thought hastily: which one had made the accusation? He hoped it wasn't the one opposite him.
     "Were the two known to each other prior to the occasion?"
     "Yes, Your Honor."
      "Then I presume she would have fled him at the outset, had she disliked him—and that he would not have forced her if she trusted him. In a small community like this, people get to know each other very well, and there are few actual surprises. This is not conclusive, but it strongly suggests she had no strong aversion to contact with him, and may have tempted him with consequence she later regretted. I would probably, were this case to come up in formal court, find the man not guilty of the charge, by virtue of reasonable doubt."
      The three men relaxed. Bink became aware of a trickle of sweat on his forehead, generated while he listened to the judge's potential decision.
      "Okay, you have the judge's ifso," said the bailiff. "You girls still want to bring it to open trial?"
      Grim-faced, looking betrayed, the three girls shook their heads, no. Bink felt sorry for his opposite. How could she avoid being seductive? She was a creature constructed for no other visible purpose than ra—than love.
     "Then take off," the bailiff said. "Remember—no talking outside, or we'll have a real trial, for contempt of court." The warning seemed superfluous; the girls would hardly be talking about this one. The guilty—uh, innocent—man would also shutup, and Bink himself just wanted to get clear of this village. That left only one man who might want to talk—but if he breathed a word, all the others would know who had blabbed. There would be silence.

That's...um...that's quite the scene, Piers. Maybe this was Mr. Anthony's Shakespeare moment where he got to put a play within a play. But what a weird fucking play in what is supposedly a light-hearted fantasy adventure. I suspect Piers thought he had figured out the way to deal with rape charges in a sensible fashion. Which makes it even more odd that, throughout the entire scene, Bink focuses on the erection he has over the woman sitting across from him. He even lets his mind wander to how she's made for rape! What the fuck, Piers?!

So in Mr. Anthony's world, the worst part about rape isn't the rape. It's that the rape trial ruins the reputation of both the accused and accuser, no matter the jury's decision. So it's best to hold the trial in front of a male judge who seems to believe that all rape cases should end in clearing the name of the accused due to reasonable doubt. Unless, I suppose, there was a witness. Although if there was a witness who was against rape, I would assume they would have stopped the rape. If the witness was pro-rape and probably jerking off while watching, why would that witness bother to come forward? Or would he be forced to come forward with two people who weren't him and they would all just shake their heads no when asked if they saw anything?

It's a weird fucking moment in this book that won best fantasy novel of the year. And while it seems to me that Piers Anthony really thought he was coming up with a sensitive way to deal with bringing rape to trial, he simply just reiterated how rape is dealt with at trial anyway! The guy is almost always protected and seen as innocent while the woman is blamed through questioning her actions. How is Piers rape justice any better than the reality? In fact, it's actually worse. What Piers seems to be suggesting is a way to bring rape to trial so that the man, who will not be found guilty anyway, gets to also keep his non-rape reputation intact!

And that part where Bink thinks about the woman across from him being made for rape and how she can't help seducing people? It's, unbelievably, not the worst part. Later when Bink asks the bailiff to give him directions, the bailiff explains that Wynne, the seductress that sat across from him, can help him. Bink is suddenly nervous that if he's alone with her, she'll accuse him of rape. The bailiff identifies her as, "Your opposite. The one you almost raped." He then pauses for a moment and then says, "Not that I blame you."

Jesus fucking Christ! I'd better just read The Terrifics #1 now before I mention how the males in the rest of the Xanth books think about women! It's fucking terrible. The Terribles!

Back to The Terrifics #1
By those guys I mentioned previously

Mister Terrific begins the book by calling all but three people on Earth sheep-like zombies without an ounce of curiosity or intellect. It's possible he's talking about less people than that but seeing as how he's the third smartest person on Earth (behind two other men who are men), I feel like he's rubbing his giant brain penis all over my face. It turns out I don't like it as much as I thought I would.

Mister Terrific's opening speech is probably meant to impress me. He refuses to be ignorant of any part of the mystery of the universe. He says, "I demand to know the answers. I seek out these mysteries and solve them. I wrangle the unknowable...and pin the impossible down." Aside from the titillating sexual imagery of this statement, I'm not a fan. It just shows he's as needy for meaning as the faithful! Let some of it go, man! You can't solve every mystery of the universe because you're a human being which means you're basically a narcissist which means your ultimate search for truth is a search for a reason for your personal existence. There isn't a reason, man! You're a cosmic accident and you're either lucky or unlucky to have been born into whatever this reality happens to be for. It exists because it exists and you exist because you exist and tautologies exist because sometimes there is no other reason for something than that thing's own being. Besides, you're an atheist in a world where gods and devils have been proven to exist. How smart can you actually be?!

Oh, Mister Terrific ends that sexy wrestling quote with "I guess that's why they call me Mr. Terrific." No. That's why you call yourself Mr. Terrific! You made up your own superhero nickname. You chose to be called Mr. Terrific and that's why people call you Mr. Terrific! I think we're back to tautologies!

I'm fairly certain saying that to a caveman is some kind of racist. Speciesest, maybe?

Mr. Terrific, Metamorpho, and Plastic Man all wind up in the Dark Multiverse so they can find the fourth member of The Terrifics, Linnya Wazzo. It's not as funny as Tiny Wazoo but I'm still chuckling. She's one of them Phantom Girls from that comic book about teenagers fucking each other constantly. They also meet a hologram of Tom Strong which declares Tom Strong is probably dead and the people who found the hologram had better be some kind of godlike hero because it's now up to them to save the universe.

The Terrifics #1 Rating: Didn't the universe just get saved in Metal? How many times is this stupid universe going to need saving? The worst conceit of comic books is that humans (or humanoid alien equivalents) need to act as property managers for the universe. I'm pretty sure it's doing fine. And if somebody comes along to destroy it because they're a super-villain with a really terrible plan (I mean, why would you want to destroy the reality in which you live? I guess they must all be super depressed. Maybe I should re-read Crisis on Infinite Earths keeping in mind that the Anti-Monitor is just mentally ill), isn't that just part of the universe taking care of itself (poorly, I admit)?

Anyway, I hope Tom Strong isn't really dead or else this comic book is terrible. Although Tom Strong not written by Alan Moore is probably better off dead, right?


Strangers in Paradise XXV #2
By Moore

I don't know how to feel about this. I already did my last of my lifetime re-read of the complete Strangers in Paradise and now Terry Moore is adding another chapter to the story? (This is where everybody reading thinks, "Now here comes the "more/Moore" joke!" This is also where I say, "Fuck you! I'm no hack!" Then I think, "See, Brain? You don't know everything, do you?! I knew that more/Moore joke was way too easy! I'm glad I listen to you, Penis.")

I suppose I could have refused to purchase it. But then where would I get my fill of sort-of-lesbian stories that don't devolve into complete pornography? Nowhere on the Internet, that's certain. Although now that I've described Strangers in Paradise as "sort-of-lesbian stories that don't devolve into complete pornography," I'm beginning to wonder what the appeal was. Perhaps the appeal was that, while reading it, I was anticipating the devolving into complete pornography which is what kept me hooked. Only now, after the series was finished, do I realize it was the biggest blue balls of my life. At least Elfquest finished up with a huge elf orgy!

Maybe that's why I didn't continue to read all the Elfquest stories after "Kings of the Broken Wheel." Because I already nutted! Although it probably has more to do with Wendy and Richard Pini setting up an Elfquest fan-fiction publication and brought Marv Wolfman into the mix in some way. I don't remember if he actually did anything. I just remember him being at the Elfquest Movie panel at San Diego Comic-con which caused me to think, "I guess some elves are going to be raped in the movie?"

Mentioning rape reminds me that I should get around to finishing my Places and Predators Hero Text Adventure. For one of the puzzles, there was going to be a magic wand that removes the first letter of any object to turn it into a new object. I thought about having a grape in the game so if somebody used the wand on it, the response would just be, "NO." Or maybe, since the object of the game is to buy the perfect present for the Hero's girlfriend, the Virgin, I could allow the player to make the most horrible choice they could ever make in a game. I wonder if I can program an EMP to go off via Inform?

Although I guess I already did that in my webcomic, Dwarf Lover (not the EMP! The part where the reader chooses to rape somebody!). Part of the series was in Choose Your Own Adventure format and one of the choices led the reader to attempt rape. The choices weren't "Do you rape Sheila?" and "Do you not do something terrible even though you're chaotic evil?" It was a little more ambiguous. Maybe I should have put a Content Warning on the rapey choice.

This quote is from Picasso at age five arguing with a playmate at a friend's birthday party.

Katchoo finds herself in the town of Manson as she searches for the missing Parker Girl, Stephanie. It reminds me that I need to finish reading my Rachel Rising omnibus. I hope I can remember what was happening when I left off. I also hope my forearms are still strong enough to lift that thing.

Strangers in Paradise XXV #2 Rating: This comic book has a completely black back cover. Why do publishers still allow comic books to be made with black covers? I can't say for sure because I never wash my hands but even if I had just washed and dried my hands, I'm confident they'd leave greasy prints all over the stupid thing anyway. Not that it matters since most of my comic books will almost certainly wind up in a landfill somewhere after I die and my current cat at the time of death partially eats my face. But it's still annoying. Aside from that criticism, it was a typical Strangers in Paradise book except for the absence of Francine. Although the way Terry Moore draws most women so similarly (also maybe I'm comic book face blind), I could have been reading Motor Girl or Echo or Rachel Rising. But I don't think I was. I'm pretty sure it was Katchoo stuck on the edge of the cliff for the entirety of the story.


Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles #3
By Russell, Stilwell, Feehan, Vazquez, Morales, Mounts, and Campbell

Rating: Do I have to give this a rating? It's written by Mark Russell and when has he ever failed to pack a whole lot of philosophical and social commentary into the most unlikely franchises? Well, two of them, anyway (meaning The Flinstones and Prez, for those not in the know). This isn't just a comic book about a gay playwright heading for a precipitous fall thanks to Joseph McCarthy's Communist witch-hunt. It's also about patriotism and acting and immigration and love and family and cartoon characters and pretty much anything else Russell feels like discussing. And it's all done so well that I don't have to comment on it because I'd just be repeating what he said but with dick jokes in. Just like with The Flintstones! And Prez! And probably that Bible thing he wrote that I won't read even though I'm sure it's nothing like my Bible thing being that his rewrites the entire Bible in a fairly short amount of space and I'm dissecting The Bible so thoroughly that I've already got 300 pages on Genesis and I'm only to Joseph's international work in Egypt.

What I'm saying is this book gets the highest rating in whatever rating format I should probably be using. Lots of stars or thumbs or buttholes or something.


Deathstork #29
By Priest, Neves, Scott, and Cox

Rating: I remember praising Priest for this book and the way he was telling the stories. But it doesn't work anymore. The book began as a bimonthly book (twice a month not every two months. Stupid English) so his multiple story lines and quick scenes to establish character worked well. But now that it's monthly, I can't remember all of these tangled story threads. The book is just too confusing. Maybe Priest forgot that he was writing comic books. He does know that we're a much dumber audience than actual book readers, doesn't he? I guess he doesn't because I have no idea what's going on in this book anymore. Except that Deathstork statutory raped Terra and now in this issue, he's simply mocking her for being his victim. I may not be a young teenager on Tumblr who is constantly amazed when they experience any kind of media from before they were born in which people are decent and socially progressive but I think what Deathstork is doing is probably wrong? I mean, sure, exes can be super annoying. I get that part! But I think when you've been in a relationship with a minor and later the police show up at your door, you probably aren't supposed to roll your eyes and say, "Exes, amirite?!"

I would watch this show.

Black Lightning: Cold Dead Hands #5
By Isabela, Henry, Guichet, and Pantazis

Rating: This is the penultimate issue. That means Black Lightning gets his ass severely beaten while Tobias Whale tells him his entire super villain plan. Next issue, Black Lightning's heart or will or belief in himself will grow ten sizes bigger and he'll summon the power to not be killed by Tobias Whale. Then he'll be all, "Thank goodness I now know Whale's plan so I can stop it efficiently in twenty short pages!" Or nineteen pages, anyway, because he needs to stick his dick in the principal of the school where he works on page twenty.

Letters to Me!

KBwrites: Harrumph! Still didn't get the newsletter via email. Oh well, I'm a bright boy, I just looked at it online.

"At one time in my life, I would have scoffed at that. I really did think, at some point in the past, that comic book readers were less likely to be prejudiced and racist assholes. I have no idea why I thought that. We've had plenty of evidence to the contrary to wake me from my naïve stupor. Every time some white male character gets traded out for a minority character, a large percentage of fanboys simply lose their shit."

Yeah, you'd think that people who enjoyed comic books might cleave to the ideals of their favorite characters. Even I am that most embarrassing type of comic readers, the Hal Jordan fan, exactly because I'd like to foster his virtues in myself: he knows right from wrong and cannot be intimidated into doing the wrong thing. (In theory every superhero has a healthy serving of those virtues, but they're what Hal excels at.) I'd be really disappointed in myself if what I liked about Hal was that he makes big green things and there are lots of explosions.

"Duke Thomas"

Agreed. The correct thing to do is present the character to the readers, and if they warm to the character, keep using him. If they aren't into the character, work on the concept or the execution -- but don't keep shoving the character at us in hopes that we will eventually give in and like him. This isn't a romantic comedy and we aren't the woman with the jerk boyfriend (Damien).

"it seems the plot dealt with Thomas Wayne being a monster who worked with Carmine Falcone."

Another story I would have passed on. While there might be good stories to tell about Thomas and Martha Wayne, giving one or the other a dark backstory doesn't rise to the level of "good". It introduces a conceptual problem as well. The deal with Batman is, Bruce Wayne learned at an early age that anyone can be taken from you for absolutely no reason, and he makes it his mission to protect people from being killed. Except, if Thomas Wayne was himself a criminal with a heinous list of misdeeds to his name, then his being killed by a criminal isn't random tragedy; it's poetic justice at a minimum, and (depending on the details) possibly even a direct consequence of his own actions. He who lives by the sword dies by the sword; he who lives by carpentry dies by carpentry (cough Jesus cough); and he who lives by crime dies by crime. It doesn't change the value of Batman's mission but it does ruin the thematic foundations.

"So how does that relate to Batman? Well, he began his journey just like a bill to stop another dog from dying on an airline. His parents were killed senselessly so he passed the Batman Law to prevent something like that from ever happening again. It's purely selfish. And while I agree that it could be a move to increase the greater good, it seems most Batman writers don't approach it that way."

Yes. I would further argue that it's not that Bruce Wayne wants to beat crime specifically, but the thousand ways human beings can suffer. Batman is just his way of dealing with crime that is beyond the scope of the Gotham PD.

"Like Tynion in this issue. Batman is less concerned with the fact that Batwoman probably saved hundreds of lives by killing an out of control Clayface. All Batman cares about is that she broke his rules. Batman has decided to embrace his system more than the reason that system exists. It's to save people."

Adults have to deal with competing principles pretty often. It shouldn't be that difficult for an adult to write a Batman who wrestles with competing principles. Though to Tynion's credit, it sounds like he had other characters express the various perspectives, so it's not like he hasn't thought this through. He just makes Batman sound like a moron.

Go Hommlet!

My reply:

"Yeah, you'd think that people who enjoyed comic books might cleave to the ideals of their favorite characters."

Maybe this is where my naiveté comes from. When I (and you!) began reading comic books, super heroes were actually heroic (even if not long after I started reading, many of them became bumbling). The generations of comic book readers after us grew up on dark Batman and dark Daredevil and depressing everything else (most of it published by 90s Image (which should be no reflection on current Image!)). They didn't give a shit about Hal's code. They just wanted to see some aliens pay with their lives. Things became less about saving people and making the world a better place to focus more on punishing bad guys. That's a hugely warped view of what seemed to be, at one time, the essential nature of comic books.

I don't know if you were ever into computer games but I often think back to Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar and how truly groundbreaking it was. Instead of questing to kill some terrible monster or stop evil from taking over the land, the entire premise was to make yourself a shining example for the people of Britannia. Imagine playing a game that refuses to let you win not just because you stole and murdered but also because you lied or refused to give to the needy or slaughtered monsters who were fleeing from combat? I imagine there are a lot of gamers today who couldn't even comprehend how Ultima IV was entertainment.

"Another story I would have passed on. While there might be good stories to tell about Thomas and Martha Wayne, giving one or the other a dark backstory doesn't rise to the level of 'good'."

You're right in how it changes Batman's entire philosophy. He'd be a different sort of dark knight if he grew up with the knowledge that his father was a criminal who most likely got what he deserved. Just finding out the premise of the Telltale Game made me glad I never picked it up (not that there was any chance of that; I played the first chapter of their Walking Dead game (because it was free) and grew bored fairly quickly). But I did appreciate the way this story was told in the aftermath of the one I'm going to assume was shitty and terrible.

"[Tynion] just makes Batman sound like a moron."

I don't think James Tynion IV likes Batman at all. I believe he's writing Detective Comics with the view that Batman is all that is wrong with the patriarchy and the kids are going to teach him what's right. But he also knows that he can't get too crazy with this idea because Batman fans read Detective Comics. So he introduced into the mix the super patriarchal figure that also happens to be a patriarch: Batwoman's dad. I suspect we're going to see Batwoman become an example of a woman being manipulated by the Patriarchy into believing its lies. That's a story that I don't mind seeing. But I just don't get why Batman should be seen as the enemy when he's way more progressive than just about everybody else in Gotham. Except maybe Alfred Pennyworth. And when he's visiting, Dick Grayson, of course.

"Go Hommlet!"

Yeah. Straight to hell! I was so mad when I bought that module and discovered it was all about roleplaying with hardly any hacking or slashing. And then they made me wait years for The Temple of Elemental Evil where all the good stuff was located!

And that's a wrap! Goodbye, jerkos!

Batman: Gotham Nights #4 (April 1992)

"One order of doughnut holes coming up!"

The Cover
I always knew Batman was a peeper. Dirty fucking scuzzy peeper. Especially loves peeping people shooting other people. Secret gun lover, that guy. I, who am not a secret gun lover, have no idea if this is how you sight a shotgun. I figured you just sort of it pointed it in approximately the right direction and pulled the trigger. After that, you've probably hit the thing you were aiming at as well as everything else in your field of vision. On a side note, those cupcakes look disgusting. Probably because they're muffins. Gross. Muffins are an affront to the Cupcake God. Fucking waste of time.

The big problem with the cover only reveals itself after reading the issue. Rosemary goes up on the roof of the train station to threaten people with a rifle. Now, I'm not one of those people who needs the comic book cover to depict the actual story inside. I've been reading them for forty years! I know how it works. But am I naïve to think that Eduardo Barreto was just sent a note that read "Cover: Rosemary with a gun"? Maybe that's me just giving the benefit of the doubt to the artist when what I'm certain happened was that Eduardo was sent the script along with that note and, being an artist, he was all, "I'm not fucking reading all that!" That isn't a criticism of the literacy of artists! That's just the reality based on all the fucking artists I'm friends with!

The Story So Far
Don't worry about it. It's not like Rosemary, Jennifer, Jimmy, Dio, Migdalia, Joel, and Emma are going to remain in continuity after this. And Batman's mostly just been on the cover in some form or another.

The Story
This issue is called "Heart of the City" so I'm assuming we're going to learn what makes Gotham tick. It's probably not Batman because he's not really important to this story, remember? I just fucking mentioned that. My guess is we'll learn that violence is the heart of the Gotham City. Or maybe just crime in general. Corruption perhaps? Certainly not hope or love or brotherhood.

Fucking Ostrander's home library probably won a world record for most least interesting books in one place.

Some cities, particularly the ones with the huge Gothic cathedrals, also reflect mankind's sexual frustrations due to religious dogma. But I don't know what that (the Abrams' quote and my nonsense) has to do with this story. My guess is nothing specific. Ostrander just wants to remind the readers that Gotham figures large in the minds of its citizens. The city is shaped by the people and, recursively, shapes the people. And since the heart of the city is violence (according to some genius I read earlier), just about everybody introduced in this story so far has gotten their hands on a gun. Kojak bang bang!

Dio takes his gun and follows his wife around the city hoping that she'll meet with her ex-lover and he can blow up to three people's brains out. Most of his internal monologue revolves around which brains to blow out and in which order. Joel carries his gun to a meeting with his doctor because, well, I don't fucking know. I mean, I know why he does! Ostrander needed another point of tension and drama. But what's his motivation for carrying it to the doctor's appointment, Mr. Ostrander? I get that you want the reader to wonder if he's going to use it against somebody on the streets of Gotham because he's angry and they're rude and he's dying and they're having the times of their lives. Ultimately though, Joel's gun is just a red herring. He never uses and never really has any intention of using it. He's just sad and angry and depressed and afraid for his wife's future. The gun that does matter is the rifle that Rosemary brings to work.

In 1992, nobody was tricked by government propaganda into believing the snitch line "If you see something, say something."

Mamoud, Rosemary's co-worker, just chalks up her bringing a rifle to work as crazy white nonsense. He doesn't say it in so many words but you can tell that's what he went home to tell his friends later. I wish Mamoud was one of the main characters. He seems chill and likeable. Although, if I have to be honest with myself on this occasion, I suppose if Mamoud was the main character, I'd never shut up about how fucking boring the comic book was. "He's just making fucking doughnuts at his stupid job which some idiot stupidly called 'Dounuts'! Why can't he bring a gun to work and start shooting people?!"

Once all the main characters (excepting Rosemary) wind up on the streets outside the train terminal, Rosemary begins shooting from the observation deck. We'll eventually learn that she's not actively trying to hurt anybody and that she's a sharpshooter so nobody was ever in any danger at all. She's just trying to be a threat so that Batman will arrive and she can fuck him. The problem is, Batman has no idea what she's talking about when she calls him Frank and tells him that she loves him too. Batman, being the emotionless monster he is, simply passes her over to Gordon and the other cops after telling her he has no idea what the fuck she's going on about. Does she ever come back as a super villain? "The Dounut!"

Some of the other main characters I haven't mentioned: the taxi, the traffic signal, the car headlight.

During the shooting spree, Jimmy realizes he loves Jennifer. Joel realize he doesn't want to murder/suicide Emma. And Dio just wants to martyr himself for all the other citizens of Gotham because his wife's probably fucking somebody else and his kid probably isn't his. At least that's what he thinks. But he's wrong. Everybody's wrong, actually. I mean, sure, Joel's still dying of cancer. It's all the stuff each character believes that they didn't hear from their doctor that's wrong. Jennifer actually wants a stable relationship even at the risk of being hurt. Jimmy wants to get past his wife's death and try again. Dio is the father of Migdalia's child and Migdalia hasn't been cheating on him at all. She just had a job while he was in prison. And Batman isn't Frank and doesn't love Rosemary. Funny how all of those things could have been worked out through communication instead of guns. Although it was the guns that caused everybody to start communicating so, um, I guess guns are good? They're problem solvers? Is that the moral of this story?

The story ends not with Batman saving anybody (since nobody was actually in any danger anyway) but with Bruce Wayne saving the day with his money! Through Joel's doctor, Bruce heard about an elderly Black couple with money and mortality problems and he decided to offer them both jobs with $100,000 salaries! Could that be the end of every Batman story? He just goes to The Penguin and is all, "How about a job for $100,000 a year?" And then he tells The Riddler, "You can run my new kid's magazine company for $100,000 a year!" And then he hires The Joker for corporate events at $100,000 a year and puts Bane on the Wayne Foundation Wrestling Circuit for $100,000 a year and, well, you see the pattern, right?

The Ranking
Holy shit am I glad this was only four issues because I could not give a fuck about any of these people after two and a half! Except maybe Rosemary. I could read more comics starring Rosemary the Dounut Lady. She might as well be one of Batman's villains seeing as how she's already suffering from mental illness. I hope when I get to John Ostrander's Suicide Squad, it's as interesting as I remember and nothing like this! Not that this was bad. It was a well told story that kept me from thinking about my future non-existence for a good amount of time. It's just that I'm an adult now. I don't want to read a story about a woman who loves to fuck but then not get seven pages of detailed fucking pictures! Hmm, maybe I'd enjoy some Comicsgate comics on Kickstarter? I bet all of their comics are total perv shows! The only problem is I need some good story to my porn and I'm sure Comicsgaters can't fucking tell a story to sell a comic book without a bunch of angry incel fans worked up via slimy YouTube videos with links to their Patreons and Kickstarters.