Batman discovers a secret ruler of Gotham? More proof Grant invented the Court of Owls idea.
The Cover
Look, I might be wrong about that caption. I haven't read this comic book before. Not "I read it thirty years ago and don't remember it." I have never read this one. I just picked it up at my local comic book store (Excalibur! Hi Debbie! Hi Peter!) for basically cover price. Unless, of course, I already own it and it was stored — for some stupid reason that my brain thought was a good reason decades ago — separately from the other Shadow of the Bat comics. But none of that has anything to do with the cover though so, um, let's start again!
The Cover
Brian Stelfreeze depicts Batman as mostly shadow hovering and/or falling in a twisted Escheresque landscape. This suggests Batman is lost within Gotham which he should never be. He is the master of Gotham and knows every inch of it. So why has he lost a part of himself (lack of color!) and become trapped in this surreal hell without an obvious enemy in sight? It's an interesting and eye-catching cover which Stelfreeze desperately wants us to know was painted.
Look, I might be wrong about that caption. I haven't read this comic book before. Not "I read it thirty years ago and don't remember it." I have never read this one. I just picked it up at my local comic book store (Excalibur! Hi Debbie! Hi Peter!) for basically cover price. Unless, of course, I already own it and it was stored — for some stupid reason that my brain thought was a good reason decades ago — separately from the other Shadow of the Bat comics. But none of that has anything to do with the cover though so, um, let's start again!
The Cover
Brian Stelfreeze depicts Batman as mostly shadow hovering and/or falling in a twisted Escheresque landscape. This suggests Batman is lost within Gotham which he should never be. He is the master of Gotham and knows every inch of it. So why has he lost a part of himself (lack of color!) and become trapped in this surreal hell without an obvious enemy in sight? It's an interesting and eye-catching cover which Stelfreeze desperately wants us to know was painted.
I don't know art. Did he want this textured result? Or did he forget the painting in the boot of his car over a long, hot day?
The Story
I'm a little bit sick of reading Batman comic books since I've been doing it for about four months now. And yet I went and purchased another stack of them just when I was about to bid a fond farewell to my issues of the Caped Crusader. I'm hating myself a little bit right now. Or a little bit more? It's hard to tell at my age. I've become so comfortably numb with my self-loathing that it's like a second skin. Sometimes I can even convince myself that I don't hate what I've become and actually embrace who I pretend to be. But then I remember that I've been pretending to be so many different people for so long that I'm not sure there ever was a real me at the foundation of it all. Well, if there is, that asshole's going to have to read a few more issues of Batman this month. Get fucked, sucker!
The issue begins with Batman arriving at a castle overlooking Gotham City. The Narrator explains that it took thirty years to build but when were those thirty years? Eighty years ago? Fifty? Thirty years ago so it was just finished which is why this is the first I'm hearing about this castle. I know I'm not a Bat-Scholar and know precious little about the DC Universe so maybe the fucking castle has been there forever. This could be one of those Morrison or Johns things where Alan Grant has dredged up the memory of an old Batman comic he read when he was six about a ghost castle outside of Gotham.
Grant begins the story in media res (as many comics begin but I think he's doing it legitimately and not where they show an action shot on the first page and then restart the story from the beginning) so we're not sure what led Batman to the castle. But Batman hints that a case he's been working on has led him there and he states explicitly why he's come.
I'm a little bit sick of reading Batman comic books since I've been doing it for about four months now. And yet I went and purchased another stack of them just when I was about to bid a fond farewell to my issues of the Caped Crusader. I'm hating myself a little bit right now. Or a little bit more? It's hard to tell at my age. I've become so comfortably numb with my self-loathing that it's like a second skin. Sometimes I can even convince myself that I don't hate what I've become and actually embrace who I pretend to be. But then I remember that I've been pretending to be so many different people for so long that I'm not sure there ever was a real me at the foundation of it all. Well, if there is, that asshole's going to have to read a few more issues of Batman this month. Get fucked, sucker!
The issue begins with Batman arriving at a castle overlooking Gotham City. The Narrator explains that it took thirty years to build but when were those thirty years? Eighty years ago? Fifty? Thirty years ago so it was just finished which is why this is the first I'm hearing about this castle. I know I'm not a Bat-Scholar and know precious little about the DC Universe so maybe the fucking castle has been there forever. This could be one of those Morrison or Johns things where Alan Grant has dredged up the memory of an old Batman comic he read when he was six about a ghost castle outside of Gotham.
Grant begins the story in media res (as many comics begin but I think he's doing it legitimately and not where they show an action shot on the first page and then restart the story from the beginning) so we're not sure what led Batman to the castle. But Batman hints that a case he's been working on has led him there and he states explicitly why he's come.
To prevent murder!
As we can see, Batman lacks all respect for this thane. Of course he does. This guy doesn't own Gotham. He doesn't know Gotham like Batman knows Gotham. He's just a cheap John trying to purchase a quick thrill from Batman's lady. Well, a thrill that took thirty years so maybe not that quick. But the final act will probably be quick. Stupid men mostly being terrible at sex because they're selfish and they've trained themselves to ejaculate quickly before their mom walks in on them.
Dammit. How did I go from Batman to jerking off? Usually that train derails from that track when I'm discussing Robin. Not because I'm a pedo! Because he's a teenager whacking off all over Wayne Mansion and Alfred has to wash his disgusting sheets and socks and pretend he doesn't seen Robin's DNA all over everything.
Batman climbs onto the roof of the castle to find, as he explicitly states, an Escher-like landscape of stairs and multiple doors. He thinks, "The quickest way in," and then attempts one of the doors. How did he know that particular door was the quickest way in (also it wasn't)? Or does Batman just look at houses and think, "Aha! The quickest way in!" Then he walks in the door and nods knowingly at everybody who tried to get in through the chimney or the window. Although knowing Batman's history, isn't the quickest way in usually the skylight? Oh, that's probably why he went up to the roof! He was going to drop in via skylight! But it's a castle so he was foiled because castles almost never have skylights. Idiot.
Dammit. How did I go from Batman to jerking off? Usually that train derails from that track when I'm discussing Robin. Not because I'm a pedo! Because he's a teenager whacking off all over Wayne Mansion and Alfred has to wash his disgusting sheets and socks and pretend he doesn't seen Robin's DNA all over everything.
Batman climbs onto the roof of the castle to find, as he explicitly states, an Escher-like landscape of stairs and multiple doors. He thinks, "The quickest way in," and then attempts one of the doors. How did he know that particular door was the quickest way in (also it wasn't)? Or does Batman just look at houses and think, "Aha! The quickest way in!" Then he walks in the door and nods knowingly at everybody who tried to get in through the chimney or the window. Although knowing Batman's history, isn't the quickest way in usually the skylight? Oh, that's probably why he went up to the roof! He was going to drop in via skylight! But it's a castle so he was foiled because castles almost never have skylights. Idiot.
After embarrassing himself by trying a false door, Batman gets down to some serious detective work.
Angus Macabre built this castle. He's now having a dinner party that will result in murder at 9:45 PM. Or so Batman believes. Maybe this is one of those House on Haunted Hill situations. You know. Some rich eccentric guy who wants to kill his wife hosts a party and fakes a haunting so a bunch of people are witnesses to how a ghost killed the guy's wife. Is that what happened in that movie? That's how I remember it!
Angus Macabre explains to his guests, in a thick Scottish accent, that they were invited to this party because of some kind of history they have with him. One other person was supposed to be invited as well: Thomas Wayne. But Bruce sent Angus a note saying, "Sorry to tell you but Thomas Wayne was shot in the face with his wife nearly thirty years ago. Regards, Batm--Bruce Wayne." The invitation itself must have alerted Batman to Angus's plan since he seems to suspect that Angus wants to murder everybody invited to the party. Why his father? What did he do to Angus?! I bet Angus was totally into Martha.
Angus Macabre explains to his guests, in a thick Scottish accent, that they were invited to this party because of some kind of history they have with him. One other person was supposed to be invited as well: Thomas Wayne. But Bruce sent Angus a note saying, "Sorry to tell you but Thomas Wayne was shot in the face with his wife nearly thirty years ago. Regards, Batm--Bruce Wayne." The invitation itself must have alerted Batman to Angus's plan since he seems to suspect that Angus wants to murder everybody invited to the party. Why his father? What did he do to Angus?! I bet Angus was totally into Martha.
Eeek! That's almost as scary as the skeleton from House on Haunted Hill!
Angus Macabre tells a thirty year old tale which answers why they're all here. Thirty years previously, Angus's wife was about to have a baby. But the hospital was full to the brim with train crash victims and they had nobody who could deliver a baby. Thomas Wayne just happened to be nearby and declared he could deliver a baby even though that wasn't his specialty. Along with a nurse and an intern anesthetist, they were able to deliver Angus and his wife's baby.
Gross. I guess they did it wrong.
I guess Angus was upset that his baby was born so hairy and with buck teeth and also because his wife died while delivering it. Even thirty years before 1992, you couldn't just toss a baby in the trash can if it came out ugly after killing your wife. So Angus was now saddled with a disgusting baby and he blamed the doctor Thomas Wayne, the anesthetist Dale King, and the nurse Joan (now married to Dale) from so many years ago. He should have blamed his wife and either his dick or the caveman his wife fucked. Although maybe Batman's wrong? Maybe this dinner party is simply to celebrate his son's 30th birthday and he wants to thank the people who helped bring him into the world? I bet he's grown up to be a terribly disgusting yet successful man. Or a Batman villain!
After receiving the invite, Batman thought it was suspicious so he researched Angus Macabre. He discovered that Angus had tried to sue the city and everybody involved but eventually gave up and decided to build an insane castle instead. Obviously he's intent on revenge then, right? Or, and maybe I'm just an extreme optimist, celebration? This is just a cute little party for his horrid son, right?
After receiving the invite, Batman thought it was suspicious so he researched Angus Macabre. He discovered that Angus had tried to sue the city and everybody involved but eventually gave up and decided to build an insane castle instead. Obviously he's intent on revenge then, right? Or, and maybe I'm just an extreme optimist, celebration? This is just a cute little party for his horrid son, right?
At least there's cake.
Batman discovers the kitchen which seemingly hasn't been used for years, except maybe the cake pan and the rat poison. But while Batman investigates, he's ambushed by Lachlan the Monster Baby. I mean Lachlan the Monster Young Man of Thirty!
Another person at the party is some guy named Warren. I didn't mention him because I didn't know how he fit in but it turns out he was the lawyer who told Macabre he should drop his lawsuit because he didn't have a case. Okay, sure, he probably deserves to be killed. But not Dale and Joan! They did all they could and they didn't even throw up when they got a look at the hideous baby! You couldn't ask for more!
The lawyer slips up and says something about how Angus must know the truth which is why he brought them there to kill them. A-ha! So he does deserve to die! But Dale and Joan are just innocent victims who tried their best with 1960s medical technology!
Another person at the party is some guy named Warren. I didn't mention him because I didn't know how he fit in but it turns out he was the lawyer who told Macabre he should drop his lawsuit because he didn't have a case. Okay, sure, he probably deserves to be killed. But not Dale and Joan! They did all they could and they didn't even throw up when they got a look at the hideous baby! You couldn't ask for more!
The lawyer slips up and says something about how Angus must know the truth which is why he brought them there to kill them. A-ha! So he does deserve to die! But Dale and Joan are just innocent victims who tried their best with 1960s medical technology!
Yes, Lachlan, yes! That is Baaaat-maaaaan!
Batman doesn't exactly beat the shit out of Lachlan but he does throw him to the ground and makes him cry. I'm used to Batman beating up mentally ill people but mentally handicapped people now? Come on, Bruce! Be better!
Apparently Joan and Dale did deserve to be sued for malpractice because they made some kind of deal with the lawyer to get the case dropped. But he's been blackmailing them ever since. Although wouldn't Thomas Wayne bear the brunt of the responsibility? He decided an intern was good enough for the procedure. And what would the nurse have done that went against Wayne's instructions that would cause her to be at fault? And since if anybody is to blame for the death of Macabre's wife it would be Thomas Wayne, then it was surely a tragic accident that could not have been avoided. Because we're not going to sully Thomas Wayne's name here. Are we?!
Batman realizes time is short so he teams up with Lachlan to save the day.
Apparently Joan and Dale did deserve to be sued for malpractice because they made some kind of deal with the lawyer to get the case dropped. But he's been blackmailing them ever since. Although wouldn't Thomas Wayne bear the brunt of the responsibility? He decided an intern was good enough for the procedure. And what would the nurse have done that went against Wayne's instructions that would cause her to be at fault? And since if anybody is to blame for the death of Macabre's wife it would be Thomas Wayne, then it was surely a tragic accident that could not have been avoided. Because we're not going to sully Thomas Wayne's name here. Are we?!
Batman realizes time is short so he teams up with Lachlan to save the day.
"I know you can't understand that I'm manipulating you to help me throw your father in jail but that's life, kid!"
After Angus winds up in jail for attempted murder, maybe Batman will hire Lachlan to help out Harold in the Batcave?
Batman winds up having to save everybody from the gun wielding lawyer who loses his mind at the thought that Angus might be trying to blackmail them. He learns that Angus was just trying to get everybody involved to show a little compassion for him and his son. Why after thirty years? I don't know. Maybe he ran out of money building the crazy castle for his son to play in and was hoping they'd feel bad for their part in his wife's death and give him a little charity. But in the end, they all just leave feeling a little sadder and maybe a little guilty. But I bet Bruce Wayne sent him a big fat check soon after! Maybe he even offered Lachlan a job for $100,000 a year!
The Ranking
I just love these Alan Grant one shots. I'd forgotten what it's like to read a mainstream comic book that doesn't spread the story out over six issues for future compilation considerations! Just a nice little story about Batman punching a mentally disabled person in the face and then bribing him to take him to his father so he can arrest him on suspicion of murder. Of course, the rat poison kept in the kitchen was actually meant for rats and didn't wind up in the cake at all so Batman felt pretty sheepish by the end of the story. Not only did he jump to a conclusion that could have seriously hurt an old man but he also knocked the shit out of his poor mentally disabled son! It truly wasn't one of Batman's better showings. But I'm glad the story was told so we could see one of Batman's rare fails! I mean, ultimately everything turned out okay. But Batman was fucking on the wrong track the entire time and was just lucky that a villain appeared in the lawyer that Batman could take out.
Batman winds up having to save everybody from the gun wielding lawyer who loses his mind at the thought that Angus might be trying to blackmail them. He learns that Angus was just trying to get everybody involved to show a little compassion for him and his son. Why after thirty years? I don't know. Maybe he ran out of money building the crazy castle for his son to play in and was hoping they'd feel bad for their part in his wife's death and give him a little charity. But in the end, they all just leave feeling a little sadder and maybe a little guilty. But I bet Bruce Wayne sent him a big fat check soon after! Maybe he even offered Lachlan a job for $100,000 a year!
The Ranking
I just love these Alan Grant one shots. I'd forgotten what it's like to read a mainstream comic book that doesn't spread the story out over six issues for future compilation considerations! Just a nice little story about Batman punching a mentally disabled person in the face and then bribing him to take him to his father so he can arrest him on suspicion of murder. Of course, the rat poison kept in the kitchen was actually meant for rats and didn't wind up in the cake at all so Batman felt pretty sheepish by the end of the story. Not only did he jump to a conclusion that could have seriously hurt an old man but he also knocked the shit out of his poor mentally disabled son! It truly wasn't one of Batman's better showings. But I'm glad the story was told so we could see one of Batman's rare fails! I mean, ultimately everything turned out okay. But Batman was fucking on the wrong track the entire time and was just lucky that a villain appeared in the lawyer that Batman could take out.
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