Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #20 (Third Week of April 2018)

E!TACT! #20
Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #6, Batman: White Knight #7, Justice League #42, Batman #44, The Curse of Brimstone #1, The Immortal Men #1, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, What Am I Currently Reading?, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy


Comic Book Reviews!

Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #6
By Isabella, Henry, Guichet, and Pantazis

Rating: With this issue, any continuity fans who were wondering if DC Comics Presents #16 was still in continuity have got their answer. Yes it is! I'm just going to use the scientific method and assume that every issue of DC Comics Presents has been returned to continuity since one has.

You might not find it surprising that I failed science. I certainly found it surprising that I couldn't cite comic books as proofs of my answers on tests. My physics teacher found it surprising that I couldn't tell the difference between reality and fantasy. I don't know why he was so surprised. One day for class, we went to the amusement park Great America to test physics theorems. So I was supposed to believe that everything in the park was regulated by physical laws but not believe that Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck were real? I had my picture taken with both of them! How was that not worth an A?!

Oh yeah. This comic is all about getting along with each other or something. Parts of it are based on The Twilight Zone episode where all the neighbors become paranoid and begin accusing each other of being aliens. I guess the lesson is not to listen to your gut instincts and your intuition because those things are ruled by superstition, paranoia, and systemic racism.


Batman: White Knight #7
By Murphy and Hollingsworth

Rating: After reading the first issue of this series, I thought, "Haven't we seen this multiple times already? Casting the villain as the hero who really shows Batman how to save Gotham?" So I started reading this encased in a hard, protective layer of cynicism. And yet it still somehow managed to break through that enamel and I've mostly enjoyed the story. Especially this issue.

In this issue, we learn that The Joker never killed Jason Todd. But Todd, completely broken by The Joker, believing his life was ruined by Batman, pretends to be dead after The Joker releases him. This is a way better version of Jason Todd's reappearance in the DC Universe. I especially like that Jason Todd has been convinced by The Joker that Bruce used and manipulated him. It gives Jason Todd a real reason to be hurt and angry at Batman, as opposed to the overly melodramatic teenage reason that everybody accepts: that Jason Todd is hurt and angry that Batman didn't avenge his death by killing Joker. I'm going to simply cut out the canonical part of the Jason Todd story that I don't like and replace it with this bit. How does one go about doing that? Home brain surgery couldn't be that hard, right?

The other part I really loved was Bruce's discussion with Dick and Babs about why he does what he does. It's always nice when a writer thinks up a better way to look at a character instead of relying on tons of past writers who simply accepted the traditional version. And it's not like Murphy's version changes Batman's motives much at all. Batman simply twists the perception of why he does what he does so that it's not contextualized by past events but based upon a vision of a better future.

Don't get me wrong, though. My cynicism continues to control most of my brain's functions. I'm still annoyed by yet another story where the big twist surprise is that Batman and The Joker team up to save the day (and right on top of Metal's version of this story too! Sheesh. Don't editors at DC talk with each other?).


Justice League #42
By Priest and Woods

Rating: The Justice League continues to learn that justice is much tougher to accomplish when Priest controls the narrative. The team has had debates like this before where Superman says, "We must stop all war and killing everywhere!" and Batman says, "We can't do that, you dum-dum Kryptonian!" and then Wonder Woman is all, "Bruce is right. We can't interfere in geopolitical whateverisms!" Then Superman says, "Oh poo," and kicks a rock so hard it kills a dictator of a small fake European country which causes a massive war where millions of people are killed in the subsequent conflict to exterminate half the population of the country who just happened to have the wrong common ancestor. Then Superman is all, "Oh. I get it now! Whoops!"

Luckily, Deathstork arrives on the scene to administer the justice that the Justice League can't administer because they all have to listen to Batman for some reason. By the end of this story arc, I'm guessing it'll answer the question as to why Superman or Batman or Wonder Woman have never grabbed Deathstork by the scruff and tossed him in jail. It's because they know they need somebody who doesn't mind killing when killing needs to be done. Plus it has to be somebody that they pretend they can't stand and also whom they pretend they can't catch. "Oh no," cries Batman over his tea as he reads the paper, "It looks like Deathstork was in Gotham killing those bad guys whose lawyer just lawyered them out of jail. If only you'd have told me about Slade being in town, Alfred. I could have stopped this!" Then Alfred winks at Bruce and Bruce winks back and they enjoy some nice waffles with homemade butter.


Batman #44
By King, Janin, Jones, Chung, and Bellaire

Catwoman shops for a wedding gown this issue. My guess is Tom King was at a bar sitting across from Scott Snyder and James Tynion IV fawning over each other. Eventually one of them broke eye contact (probably Snyder because Tynion IV's gaze can get unnecessarily probing) and glanced over at Tom King. Scott said, "We were just daring each other to write a story that readers should hate but we do it in such a way that they'll wind up loving it. I'm going to write a whole epic story where Plastic Man saves the day. James is going to write a story about a pansexual misogynist gender fluid monster from Pluto who attacks Earth in an attempt to get Pluto's status as a planet reinstated. It will mostly feature Batman being lectured by a bunch of young people. What about you?"

Tom King sucked on his hot dog for a long minute before saying, "I'll write an issue that's just Catwoman picking out a wedding dress." Scott's eyebrow shot up. He knocked James's hand away from his crotch as he asked, "And you think you can get Batman fan's to rave about it?"

Tom King tapped his hot dog on the bar, knocking loose the long line of ash that had accumulated over the long expanse of time he spent thinking about Scott's question. He took another sultry drag off his hot dog before saying, "Rave about it? They're going to fucking lose their minds over it." Tom winked ambiguously before stubbing out his hot dog and getting up from the bar. James Tynion IV watched him closely before turning back to Scott.

"So do you think he meant they'll lose their minds in a good way?" James reached out with a kerchief to wipe some mustard off the corner of Scott's lip. Scott thanked him before saying, "When has a Batman fan ever lost his mind in a good way? They're going to fucking hate it."

Rating: This was the best issue of Batman ever! You should seen the wedding dress Catwoman eventually picked out! She's going to look spectacular! There was also some writing crap about how characters change over the years but they don't really change unless they do really change but in ways that we don't notice since it takes so long for them to change and we, as fans, are too busy to notice because we're arguing about their costume changes.


The Curse of Brimstone #1
By Tan, Jordan, and Beredo

Rating: I hated this comic book from page one when it began "Everything burns." Because everything doesn't burn, Mr. Justin Jordan. The truth is that everything eventually stops burning. It's more true to say, "Everything freezes." At least on a cosmically ending note. Because it's more true than "Everything burns." Look, we all know everything isn't going to burn. I mean, a lot of stuff will as every sun in every solar system expands to consume most of the planets orbiting the star. But it won't expand enough to burn all of the planets! Unless all stars go nova when they die (which might be a thing smart people know for sure without checking up on Wikipedia. I suppose I could check and seem like a smart person but I'd rather not spend that time just to look up a simple fact all fifth graders know) and they consume everything everywhere. Maybe just before everything freezes, everything burns?

You know what? None of that even matters because I lied. I didn't hate this book from page one. I hated this book from the moment I picked it up off the shelf at the comic book store and thought, "Why am I buying this garbage?"

Oh! I just realized I was mistaken again! I didn't hate this comic book from the moment I knew I was going to buy it. I hated myself at that moment!

These new comics from the pages of Metal (and how they're supposed to be from that story, I still don't know) have been billed as comic books by the greatest artists working for DC Comics. You can tell that's true because these comics list the artist first in the credits. That's why I found it so surprising that the art in this comic book was terrible. I hated it more than I hated myself two weeks ago when I purchased this book. I suppose the argument can (and will) be made that the style fits the story. But I don't have time to be smart about stuff. I only have time to indulge my id. My ego and superego can go fuck each other.

The only good character in this comic book is killed within the first few pages. That's when I stopped reading because I had decided he was the protagonist. I don't care what happens to the rest of the small town characters just struggling to make ends meet while forces they have no control over threaten to destroy their humanity. I read enough of those stories in The New York Times.

In the end, the actual protagonist is somebody I have no sympathy for. He wants his small town that grew up around the coal industry to still exist in the same way it did before the coal was gone. He both wants his sister and himself to be able to leave the town but hates that everybody is leaving the town. He can't accept change unless that change means he's getting his. So he makes a deal with the devil to put himself in a position to help people. As if he couldn't have done that without the devil's special Brimstone powers. My guess is he'll eventually learn his lesson and use the powers to fight against the devil while using his normal abilities to help revitalize the town and help the old townsfolk who have no recourse but to stay in the dying, dead-end little town. I just won't be reading this comic book long enough to find out if that's what happens. I don't even know why I read this issue.


The Immortal Men #1
By Tynion IV, Lee, Benjamin, Williams, Friend, and Sinclair

Everything I said about hating myself for buying The Curse of Brimstone #1 goes triple for buying this book. But if I didn't buy this book, how was I going to finish the poster that comes on the backside of the fold-out cover?! Not that I can finish it anyway since I apparently didn't hate myself enough the week Silencer #1 came out. What was going on that day that I allowed myself to not buy a shitty comic book? I probably ate some vegetables that morning.

If you love comics about a chosen one who also happens to be a young person, you should pick up a dozen copies of this book. The young chosen one seems even more special since he's being hunted by all the world's immortals. Apparently their power and experience can't save the world. What they need is a fresh perspective! They need the wisdom of youth! The world is doomed unless young Caden Park can say, "But seriously, guys!" after which he'll proceed to youthsplain his plan to save the world. That plan will be full of heart which the immortals don't have enough of, being that they're old people who have constantly gotten everything wrong and that's why the kids must save the world.

Rating: Look, I knew I was going to hate this book when I saw Tynion IV's name on the cover so I can't pretend that the following is an unbiased review: this book was terrible. I've also admitted over and over again that I don't like Jim Lee's scribbled faces art, no matter how often DC tries to convince me that he's the greatest artist of all time. The only reason I bought this book is because I like Vandal Savage. But then I realized that I almost certainly won't like the character when he's written by Tynion. So not only will I not be purchasing The Immortal Men #2, I am going to discretely sneak this copy of #1 back on the shelves at my local comic book store. Reverse-shoplifting isn't a crime, right?

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Rain by Concrete Blonde
Does nobody care about regulating the power that musicians have to control and contort our emotions?! If hypnotism were real, I'm certain they wouldn't allow hypnotists twenty-four hour access to our minds via radio so that we all wind up acting like chickens. And yet musicians are allowed to manipulate our emotions on a near constant basis? It's insanity! I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if every song out there was uplifting bubble gum pop that simply perks you up or makes you smile. But what about songs like this one? How is it legal to musically recreate a loneliness and heartbreak so bleak that you want to kill yourself?! And has anybody done a study on how many mass killings were perpetrated by somebody who just heard a Rammstein song?
Grade: A.

Hang Wire by The Pixies
I came to The Pixies too late in life to really love them. I feel like they distilled the confused anger of a growing teen into potent two and a half minute doses. Maybe they were what I needed to break out of the years I spent crushing on someone not interested in me. Instead, fucking Robert Smith and The Cure coddled my pain and heartbreak and told me to live there, forever. Fucking assholes.
Grade: C.

Prettiest Cop on the Block by Alice Cooper
This song is from one of the albums that nobody ever talks about, Special Forces. It belongs to that run of late seventies, early eighties albums where Alice tried to incorporate a bit of new wave and punk into his sound. He was always a bit of a chameleon, tailoring many of his albums to the sound of the day. By the name of the song, you might guess that it's about a cross-dressing man in a role society often thinks of as masculine. What you might not guess, if you don't know a lot about Alice Cooper, is that he has a number of songs along this theme. He also has a song about an ex-football playing construction worker who loves Hollywood and dresses like a woman and a song about a transvestite truck driver (but then who doesn't have one of those? Weird Al has one too! And probably The Doors, right?). I like the driving bass line on this song but overall it's a bit of a dud. It's no surprise that most of Alice's late seventies songs aren't often played on the radio.
Grade: C-.

Interchangeable Knife by Electric Six
Sometimes I find myself thinking, "I don't have a headache and I really want one." On those days, I'm lucky to be an owner of this song! That might sound like a positive but it was actually a criticism couched in positive language! I'm a sneaky mother fapper! Although if you don't mind the headache from the first thirty seconds of this song, it slides into a sort of disco slash rave slash gay hiphop thing that won't cure the headache the first part gave you but might get you accidentally dancing. "Accidentally dancing" is the only way to describe how I dance.

It's not like the rhythm of the song changes at the thirty second mark. It's just that it sounds like somebody realized they were recording inside of a giant metal pan and quickly ushered the band outside of the pan to finish the song. They probably should have just rerecorded the first bit because now I have a fucking headache.
Grade: C+ (Lose the first thirty seconds and it's a solid B).

Been Down by Blue October
I suppose if I had to choose a song that gives me a headache and a song that makes me kill myself, I'd choose the headache. Of course when I'm down and out suffering from a migraine (which I just dealt with over the last 24 hours for the first time in a quite awhile, so I'm speaking from recent experience), I spend most of that time wishing I was dead. So maybe I'm wrong about choosing the headache and I'd rather listen to this song.

Actually, I would rather listen to this song because I love the way it sounds. If you can ignore the lyrics where the guy is telling the person he loves that she should understand why he's a big asshole, it might even make you feel good! I would probably sing this song at Karaoke but I still haven't found a place that has it. On the plus side, the new Karaoke place I'll be going to next seems to list "Hate Me" as one of their tracks! Maybe I'll record myself singing that so everybody can watch it and think, "What the fuck is going on here?"
Grade: A-.

This part isn't a review but it's still part of the musical corner! I still own the first mix tape I ever made (and it still plays (and I still have a vehicle with a tape deck!)). The first song on the tape is "Hello" by Lionel Richie which is a total stalker song and a weird way to begin a tape which was directly meant for a specific person although I never gave her the tape. So basically it begins, "Hey! I want to tell you that I love you! Now here are a bunch of other songs about how much I want to touch you!" The final song on the tape is "Like China" by Phil Collins which is a song about how careful Phil is going to be fucking the girl for her first time. So that's like not at all a weird song to stick on a mix tape for the girl you're crushing on, right? "Hello! I love you! Now we're going to fuck and I'll be super careful because I'm pretending it's your first time even though I'm sure it's not but it is my first time so I'm going to be really bad at it. Please love me anyway!"

What Am I Currently Reading?!

I just finished rereading Koji Suzuki's horror novel Ring. The reason I reread it is that, years after reading it, Powell's finally had a copy of the sequel, Spiral. Ring was a quick read so I knew I could breeze through it in a few days so the events would be fresh in my mind upon reading the sequel. It's a good thing I reread it because I certainly forgot a few major points, like how Sadako never actually crawled out of television sets like in the movie and how she had testicles and smallpox. The book was written in 1992 but seems to be commenting on modern Internet meme culture. I get that memes are just thought viruses and Ring's main plot point is that Sadako and Smallpox have a thought virus baby to enact vengeance on all the terrible people of the world (which are all the people). Maybe Koji had recently read Dawkins' The Selfish Gene which inspired this novel. Asakawa, the main character in the book, relies on a book about viruses and mankind to figure out how to break Sadako's curse (or, more accurately, to keep it going). Plus he and his cohort, Ryuji, discuss how viruses could be genes that have escaped our DNA to become free wheeling hippy genomes camping out on whatever gene couch will have them. Apparently there's a brand new fourth book in the series. My guess is that it will absolutely deal with the curse traveling along Internet memes.

Ring is one of those books I'd recommend for long flights. It's an easy read that holds your attention the entire way through. But if you're a young person who hates free speech, nazis, rape, and blunt assumptions of traditional gender based on sexual organs, you might have a couple of issues with this book. Those issues won't have anything to do with free speech or nazis though! You just have to wade through one main character occasionally bragging about raping women. But at least by the end, he gets his! That's a spoiler so try not to remember that if you're going to read this book. Also, it's unclear by the end whether or not he's actually ever raped anybody. I suppose that's not really the point though. The fact that he thinks he can make friends by admitting to having raped people probably makes him unlikable. You might also not like the main character since he knows about Ryuji's rapes since high school and has never turned him in nor stopped hanging out with him. Boy, if only I could have read this book in 1992 when everybody was totally cool with rape so that I wouldn't feel these conflicted feelings about the protagonist and his rapey friend.

The gender stuff just gets weird but I understand why Koji put it in there. He needed Sadako to think of herself as female so that she could long for a baby but also needed her to physically be male so that she couldn't have that baby. So Koji gave her Testicular Feminization Syndrome. It's almost as weird a beat as when the kids in It have a gang bang in the sewer so that they can lose their innocence and escape It's world. Sometimes writers shouldn't be allowed to come up with their own plot points.

I'm also up to Ogre, Ogre in my trudgingly trudging reread of Anthony's Xanth novels. I have to read them so I can finally discover what color her panties were in The Color of Her Panties which is where I stopped reading them because I couldn't be seen reading a book called The Color of Her Panties in high school! At least not if I wanted to get laid in high school! Not that I ever got laid in high school! But that certainly wouldn't have helped! Or maybe it would have? I bet some horny Xanth loving nerd girl would have totally been all, "Oh, you're into panties, are you?" Then I would have learned what finger banging was!

Letters to Me!

Anonymous Writes: (In response to me telling him, "You leave the worst comments! I can't believe how badly you misunderstand Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!") What's to misunderstand? It still doesn't change the fact about Lobo becoming the very thing he was supposed to condemn even before The New 52. Even worse, you are a reviewer who lets mediocre/below mediocre crap like the Rebirth Justice League of America get a pass all because it features a character you like.

My Reply: Oh man, Cullen Bunn...I mean Anonymous! You're so close to understanding the blog! But you're unable to realize the joke is the thing you describe because you always have to be the smartest guy in the room, don't you? I rarely quote people (unless I'm misquoting Shakespeare and attributing the quote to Yogi Bear) but I think this calls for a Patton Oswalt quote: "You will miss everything cool and die angry."

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KB Writes: (In response to me writing, "Most Americans think Bon Jovi was a huge punchline to the joke of '80s rock music.") 'Lost Highway' is my go-to song when it feels like life has stopped shitting on me and I can finally breathe again. I'm not necessarily about Bon Jovi all the time, but he has his moments.

My Reply: I don't know that song. I guess I don't know much Bon Jovi after Slippery When Wet. But I should rectify that because I know why Bon Jovi has been so successful for so long. You've seen his smile, right? That smile is his music. Sure, some of his songs shouldn't be sung with that smile. But deep down, we all love Bon Jovi because you know he's going to treat you like his best friend even if he just met you. Unless you just fucked his wife or daughter or Richie, of course. Then he'll probably be all, "Say goodbye to yesterday, bitch!" After which he'll get his ass kicked by you because — let's face it — we all know Jovi can't fight.

I found it interesting but not surprising that under the Wikipedia entry for Jovi's album, "Lost Highway," they listed his genre as "country rock." I bet my fifteen year old self would have been all, "You take that back! Jovi don't country rock! Jovi just rocks! 'Love is a social disease yeah yeah yeah!'" Then whoever just told my fifteen year old self that Jovi was country would be all, "Dude. Stop headbanging in my face. Your leather fringes almost put my eye out." But my forty-six year old self is all, "Oh yeah. I guess Jovi found his true calling after the Young Guns II soundtrack. Totally country rock."

What I'm trying to say is that I'd probably suck Jon's dick if he asked. Just to see that smile.

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KB Writes: (In response to me writing, "We also learn how Lister became a crew member and that his breaking of quarantine by smuggling the cat on board was done on purpose so he could be in stasis for the entire trip back to Earth.") Blasphemy! Cloister the Stupid was trying to protect The Holy Mother Frankenstein, not exploit her and possibly leave her to starve. What are you, one of the orange-hat wearers?"

My Reply: He didn't leave her to starve! He made sure she'd be locked safely away in the ventilation system where nobody would find her and where she'd have plenty of opportunities for stealing food from cargo. And that's not my orange-hat wearing speculation. It's all written down in perfectly serviceable smells in the holy book, Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers. You should try not to be so brainwashed.

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KB Writes: (In response to me writing, "I hate when people equate Jesus Christ Superstar with Godspell.") Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not equating the two at all! JCS good, GS bad. "Godspell" is way too precious and is an excuse for theater majors to embarrass themselves in a setting where nobody's allowed to mock them because that would be blasphemy. (And yet Jesus as a clown is neither blasphemy nor grounds for action from the Siegel and Shuster estates.)

My Reply: This is why I hate communicating on the Internet and why I have a rule of only responding to comments on my blog once (occasionally twice, if I'm feeling sassy and up to the mind-numbing drain of a discussion with an absolute moron (not that you, KB, are a moron! At least not an absolute one!)). Don't get ME wrong! I never thought you were equating Jesus Christ Superstar with Godspell! How could this conversation gone so far off the rails?!

Anyway, I do like your definition of Godspell.

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KB Writes: Boy wouldn't Superman feel stupid if he'd wiped out his powers "just in case", and then a meteor wiped out Metropolis.

My Reply: I guess that's why he never takes Batman seriously when Batman is all, "You're too powerful. You should cancel yourself." Superman is smart!

This doesn't remind me at all but I'm terrible at segues, I had a dream last week where my high school English teacher, Mr. Borror, was holding a class where we were discussing Jesus Christ Superstar and some poems I can't remember (Dammit! If I were better at segues, I would have introduced this during the replies about Jesus Christ Superstar! So dumb!). One of the people in the class was you, KB. I was really terrible at explicating the poem and couldn't even, in the dream, remember what it was about. So instead I decided to say some nice things about Mr. Borror and the people in the class. I said this about you, KB: "He's said some really sweet things in his emails." So there you go! Even my subconscious likes you! I think that means we're real boys now! I mean real friends!

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Anyway, that's all for now! I can't remember my sign off. I'm terrible at consistency. I think it had something to do with calling everybody twats or losers or something. Bye!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #16 (Fourth Week of March 2018)

E!TACT! #16
The Terrifics #1, Strangers in Paradise XXV #2, Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles #3, Deathstroke #29, Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #5, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy

This week, let's start with a letter:

Upright: So why’d you leave the website and turn to newsletters?

My reply: I liked the idea of doing something that was more akin to a zine than a web page. I had been playing with the idea of doing a monthly roleplaying zine to publish digitally for a dollar. It was going to be a companion piece to my cribbage roleplaying game with lots of other features. I'd even designed most of the first issue but realized I was way too far ahead of myself. I still needed to get art for the cRPG (cribbage roleplaying game and not computer roleplaying game. Maybe I need different shorthand for it) and make some tweaks with the game world.

About the same time, I was drifting away from reading as many comic books as I had been and didn't feel like writing about most of the ones I kept reading (being that the worst comic books were the most fun to write about and those were the books I had stopped reading). Plus the comic book branding on the site was never as great as it should have been being that I didn't give a fuck. What the hell does the gibberish name "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea" have to do with comic books anyway? And what kind of review site barely reviews the comic books they're writing about due to constantly segueing into "made-up" stories like masturbating in the bathroom sink (which was totally made up and not just in the way that somebody insists that something embarrassing is made-up so that the person thinks it's true because they're protesting too much but in the way where a person protests just enough so the reader thinks, "Yeah, that totally can't be true. Gross.").

So I was looking for a change and thought that before I try to publish things on Amazon or whatever online publisher isn't akin to sucking the devil's cock, I thought this could be an interesting hybrid idea. I figured I could begin doing shorter comic book reviews by dropping most of the comic book review but keeping all the tangents. Then I thought I would add more features as I went along to make it more zine-like. It would be more like my original Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea blog idea than the comic book pseudo-review site it became.

One other thing before another thing and then a final thing: people who follow you on social media sites probably rarely see anything you post. When you see a person on Twitter or Tumblr and they follow more than a few dozen people, you realize that they may as well not be following anybody. They certainly aren't seeing everything every follower posts which says to me that they don't really give a shit about any of the people they follow. I mean, obviously they do or they wouldn't follow them. But when you follow your 968th person on Twitter, do you really think you're going to see much of anything that person posts? Maybe people are spending a lot more time on these social media sites than I give them credit for!

Anyway, I decided that anybody who still felt the things I write to entertain myself were still entertaining to them, they could follow me this way. And then when they wanted to stop following me because I hurt their stupid gun loving Republican feelings, they could unsubscribe. At the very least, I'd have a better gauge on how many people were, in some small way, feeling entertained by stuff that entertains me.

The other thing: most of the people on the Internet don't deserve most of the things on the Internet. So this is my velvet rope to keep out the morons.

That final thing I mentioned: in a future Newsletter, I will start trying to sell things. I just have to finish a few of them and find an artist. And then decide how to publish them. I'm really looking forward to selling everybody a copy of The Chicken by the Gate.

I still (rarely) post reviews on the website. But only to remind people that this is where I'm really spending my time. I mean the time I'm not spending playing Fortnite and Overwatch.

It's also possible that all of that is bullshit and a therapist would realize that the only reason I spent so much time working on the website previously was because it was also time spent hanging out with my cat Judas. Once he died, it just wasn't the same anymore. But that imagined therapist can go fuck herself for making me sad all over again. Stupid jerk!

Comic Book Reviews!

The Terrifics #1
By Reis, Lemire, Prado, and Maiolo

I don't know why I scanned the middle part of the triple sized vertical cover when the bottom part is the most interesting because it features Tom Strong.

There was a time when putting Plastic Man into your mainstream comic book meant you didn't give a fuck about your comic book. It screamed "This comic book is a silly piece of shit that nobody is going to take seriously." Which is weird because I've always thought that that was how comic books should always present themselves. Unless, of course, you're Chris Ware and then your comic book should scream, "You are going to weep harder than that time that life kicked you square in the crotch and then pissed on your face and recorded it to play back in front of all of your loved ones every time they almost thought perhaps they might be a little bit proud of you."

Writers should never fear putting whimsically silly characters into their comic books. But the problem with most writers is that they're writers. And writers often have this pressing need to seem profound and intellectual. If I were allowed to declare who could be a writer and who couldn't, I'd immediately disqualify all men with severe daddy issues who need to prove themselves to the world. I think we've had enough of those. Besides, why aren't they going into Wall Street with the other "Daddy! Daddy! My bank account proves I'm not a failure!" asshats? Then they'd have to pass my only test. I'd put them alone in a room with a covered easel (and hidden cameras, of course!). Then I'd press a button and the sheet would drop from the easel where a canvas would rest with simply the word "fart" on it. If they sneered or rolled their eyes or clutched their "I'm above this kind of juvenile bullshit" pearls, I'd announce that they couldn't be a writer. Right after I filled the room with my stored farts, of course.

Maybe it's a good thing I'm not in charge of who gets to write. I suppose some highbrow bullshit that gets you thinking about stuff I never want to think about is good for somebody somewhere. But I'd rather read Vonnegut than Hemingway. I'd also rather force people to do what I would do.

But then maybe I should also remember that I'm re-reading a bunch of Piers Anthony books currently. I'm not sure I'd say he's a sexist writer but his works are definitely burdened by the male chauvinistic attitudes of mid to late twentieth century thinking. I know I'm supposed to be commenting on The Terrifics #1 but here's an excerpt from A Spell for Chameleon, a book written in 1977 which won the Novel of the Year from the British Fantasy Society. I meant to write some kind of essay on the sexist and gendered attitudes in the Xanth novels but I'm too lazy to get into that kind of structured bullshit. That stuff is written by people who don't smirk at the word "farts."

Excerpt from A Spell for Chameleon (for review purposes only or something. Stupid Pickle Boy was supposed to get his law degree to help me out with junk like this but did he? Nooooo! He decided he'd rather work at Subway):

The others arrived: two men and three young women. The men were ordinary, bearded farmers, one young, one middle-aged; the girls ranged from indifferent to ravishing. Bink forced his eyes away from the prettiest one lest he stare. She was the most voluptuous, striking, black-haired beauty he had ever seen, a diamond in the mud of this region.
     "Now the six of you sit down across from each other at this table," the bailiff said in his official voice. "I'll do the talking when the judge comes. Mind you, this is a play—but it's secret. When I swear you in, it's for keeps—absolutely no blabbing about the details after you get out, understand?"
     They all nodded. Bink was becoming more perplexed. He now understood about playing opposite a sweet young thing—but what kind of play was this, with an audience of one, that no one was permitted to report on later? Well, so be it; maybe it was a kind of magic.
     The three men sat in a row on one side of the table, and the three girls faced them. Bink was opposite the beautiful one; her knees touched his, for the table was narrow. They were silky smooth, sending a shiver of appreciation up his legs. Remember Sabrina! he told himself. He was not ordinarily swayed by a pretty face, but this was an extraordinary face. It didn't help that she wore a tight sweater. What a figure!
     The judge entered—a portly man with impressive paunch and sideburns. "All stand," the bailiff said.
     They all stood respectfully.
     The judge took a seat at the end of the table and the bailiff moved to the far side. They all sat down.
     "Do you three ladies swear to tell no truth other than that presented in this hearing, any time, anywhere, and to shut up about that?" the bailiff demanded.
     "We do," the girls chorused.
     "And do you three louts swear the same?"
     "We do," Bink said with the others. If he was supposed to lie here, but never to talk about it outside, did that mean it wasn't really a lie? The bailiff knew what was true and what was false, presumably, so in effect—
     "Now this is the hearing for an alleged rape," the bailiff announced. Bink, shocked, tried to conceal his dismay. Were they supposed to act out a rape?
     "Among these present," the bailiff continued, "is the girl who says she was raped—and the man she charges. He says it happened but it was voluntary. That right, men?"
     Bink nodded vigorously along with the others. Brother! He would rather have chopped wood for his night's lodging. Here he was, possibly lying about a rape he never committed.
     "This is done anonymously to protect the reputation of those involved," the bailiff said. "So's to have an advisory opinion, in the presence of the first parties, without advertising it to the whole community."
     Bink was beginning to understand. A girl who had been raped could be ruined, though it was no fault of her own; many men would refuse to marry her for that reason alone. Thus she could win her case but lose her future. A man guilty of rape could be exiled, and a man accused of rape would be viewed with suspicion, complicating his own future. It was almost, he thought grimly, as serious a crime as having no magic. Getting at the truth could be a very delicate matter, not something either party would want to advertise in a pubic trial. Win or lose, reputations would suffer grievously. Yet how could justice be done if it never came to trial? Thus this private, semianonymous hearing. Would it suffice?
     "She says she was walking down by the Gap," the bailiff said, glancing at his notes. "He came up behind her, grabbed her, and raped her. Right, girls?"
      The three girls nodded, each looking hurt and angry. The vigorous head motion caused the knee of the girl facing Bink to shake, and another ripple of suggestion traveled up his leg. What an opposite lady, in what a play!
     "He says he was standing there and she came up and made a suggestion and he took her up on it. Right, men?"
     Bink nodded with the others. He hoped his side won; this was nervous business.
     Now the judge spoke. "Was it close to a house?"
     "'Bout a hundred feet," the bailiff said.
      "Then why did she not scream?"
     "He said he'd push her off the brink if she made a sound," the bailiff replied. "She was frozen in terror. Right, girls?"
     They nodded—and each looked momentarily terrified. Bink wondered which of the three had actually been raped. Then he corrected his thought hastily: which one had made the accusation? He hoped it wasn't the one opposite him.
     "Were the two known to each other prior to the occasion?"
     "Yes, Your Honor."
      "Then I presume she would have fled him at the outset, had she disliked him—and that he would not have forced her if she trusted him. In a small community like this, people get to know each other very well, and there are few actual surprises. This is not conclusive, but it strongly suggests she had no strong aversion to contact with him, and may have tempted him with consequence she later regretted. I would probably, were this case to come up in formal court, find the man not guilty of the charge, by virtue of reasonable doubt."
      The three men relaxed. Bink became aware of a trickle of sweat on his forehead, generated while he listened to the judge's potential decision.
      "Okay, you have the judge's ifso," said the bailiff. "You girls still want to bring it to open trial?"
      Grim-faced, looking betrayed, the three girls shook their heads, no. Bink felt sorry for his opposite. How could she avoid being seductive? She was a creature constructed for no other visible purpose than ra—than love.
     "Then take off," the bailiff said. "Remember—no talking outside, or we'll have a real trial, for contempt of court." The warning seemed superfluous; the girls would hardly be talking about this one. The guilty—uh, innocent—man would also shutup, and Bink himself just wanted to get clear of this village. That left only one man who might want to talk—but if he breathed a word, all the others would know who had blabbed. There would be silence.

That's...um...that's quite the scene, Piers. Maybe this was Mr. Anthony's Shakespeare moment where he got to put a play within a play. But what a weird fucking play in what is supposedly a light-hearted fantasy adventure. I suspect Piers thought he had figured out the way to deal with rape charges in a sensible fashion. Which makes it even more odd that, throughout the entire scene, Bink focuses on the erection he has over the woman sitting across from him. He even lets his mind wander to how she's made for rape! What the fuck, Piers?!

So in Mr. Anthony's world, the worst part about rape isn't the rape. It's that the rape trial ruins the reputation of both the accused and accuser, no matter the jury's decision. So it's best to hold the trial in front of a male judge who seems to believe that all rape cases should end in clearing the name of the accused due to reasonable doubt. Unless, I suppose, there was a witness. Although if there was a witness who was against rape, I would assume they would have stopped the rape. If the witness was pro-rape and probably jerking off while watching, why would that witness bother to come forward? Or would he be forced to come forward with two people who weren't him and they would all just shake their heads no when asked if they saw anything?

It's a weird fucking moment in this book that won best fantasy novel of the year. And while it seems to me that Piers Anthony really thought he was coming up with a sensitive way to deal with bringing rape to trial, he simply just reiterated how rape is dealt with at trial anyway! The guy is almost always protected and seen as innocent while the woman is blamed through questioning her actions. How is Piers rape justice any better than the reality? In fact, it's actually worse. What Piers seems to be suggesting is a way to bring rape to trial so that the man, who will not be found guilty anyway, gets to also keep his non-rape reputation intact!

And that part where Bink thinks about the woman across from him being made for rape and how she can't help seducing people? It's, unbelievably, not the worst part. Later when Bink asks the bailiff to give him directions, the bailiff explains that Wynne, the seductress that sat across from him, can help him. Bink is suddenly nervous that if he's alone with her, she'll accuse him of rape. The bailiff identifies her as, "Your opposite. The one you almost raped." He then pauses for a moment and then says, "Not that I blame you."

Jesus fucking Christ! I'd better just read The Terrifics #1 now before I mention how the males in the rest of the Xanth books think about women! It's fucking terrible. The Terribles!

Back to The Terrifics #1
By those guys I mentioned previously

Mister Terrific begins the book by calling all but three people on Earth sheep-like zombies without an ounce of curiosity or intellect. It's possible he's talking about less people than that but seeing as how he's the third smartest person on Earth (behind two other men who are men), I feel like he's rubbing his giant brain penis all over my face. It turns out I don't like it as much as I thought I would.

Mister Terrific's opening speech is probably meant to impress me. He refuses to be ignorant of any part of the mystery of the universe. He says, "I demand to know the answers. I seek out these mysteries and solve them. I wrangle the unknowable...and pin the impossible down." Aside from the titillating sexual imagery of this statement, I'm not a fan. It just shows he's as needy for meaning as the faithful! Let some of it go, man! You can't solve every mystery of the universe because you're a human being which means you're basically a narcissist which means your ultimate search for truth is a search for a reason for your personal existence. There isn't a reason, man! You're a cosmic accident and you're either lucky or unlucky to have been born into whatever this reality happens to be for. It exists because it exists and you exist because you exist and tautologies exist because sometimes there is no other reason for something than that thing's own being. Besides, you're an atheist in a world where gods and devils have been proven to exist. How smart can you actually be?!

Oh, Mister Terrific ends that sexy wrestling quote with "I guess that's why they call me Mr. Terrific." No. That's why you call yourself Mr. Terrific! You made up your own superhero nickname. You chose to be called Mr. Terrific and that's why people call you Mr. Terrific! I think we're back to tautologies!

I'm fairly certain saying that to a caveman is some kind of racist. Speciesest, maybe?

Mr. Terrific, Metamorpho, and Plastic Man all wind up in the Dark Multiverse so they can find the fourth member of The Terrifics, Linnya Wazzo. It's not as funny as Tiny Wazoo but I'm still chuckling. She's one of them Phantom Girls from that comic book about teenagers fucking each other constantly. They also meet a hologram of Tom Strong which declares Tom Strong is probably dead and the people who found the hologram had better be some kind of godlike hero because it's now up to them to save the universe.

The Terrifics #1 Rating: Didn't the universe just get saved in Metal? How many times is this stupid universe going to need saving? The worst conceit of comic books is that humans (or humanoid alien equivalents) need to act as property managers for the universe. I'm pretty sure it's doing fine. And if somebody comes along to destroy it because they're a super-villain with a really terrible plan (I mean, why would you want to destroy the reality in which you live? I guess they must all be super depressed. Maybe I should re-read Crisis on Infinite Earths keeping in mind that the Anti-Monitor is just mentally ill), isn't that just part of the universe taking care of itself (poorly, I admit)?

Anyway, I hope Tom Strong isn't really dead or else this comic book is terrible. Although Tom Strong not written by Alan Moore is probably better off dead, right?


Strangers in Paradise XXV #2
By Moore

I don't know how to feel about this. I already did my last of my lifetime re-read of the complete Strangers in Paradise and now Terry Moore is adding another chapter to the story? (This is where everybody reading thinks, "Now here comes the "more/Moore" joke!" This is also where I say, "Fuck you! I'm no hack!" Then I think, "See, Brain? You don't know everything, do you?! I knew that more/Moore joke was way too easy! I'm glad I listen to you, Penis.")

I suppose I could have refused to purchase it. But then where would I get my fill of sort-of-lesbian stories that don't devolve into complete pornography? Nowhere on the Internet, that's certain. Although now that I've described Strangers in Paradise as "sort-of-lesbian stories that don't devolve into complete pornography," I'm beginning to wonder what the appeal was. Perhaps the appeal was that, while reading it, I was anticipating the devolving into complete pornography which is what kept me hooked. Only now, after the series was finished, do I realize it was the biggest blue balls of my life. At least Elfquest finished up with a huge elf orgy!

Maybe that's why I didn't continue to read all the Elfquest stories after "Kings of the Broken Wheel." Because I already nutted! Although it probably has more to do with Wendy and Richard Pini setting up an Elfquest fan-fiction publication and brought Marv Wolfman into the mix in some way. I don't remember if he actually did anything. I just remember him being at the Elfquest Movie panel at San Diego Comic-con which caused me to think, "I guess some elves are going to be raped in the movie?"

Mentioning rape reminds me that I should get around to finishing my Places and Predators Hero Text Adventure. For one of the puzzles, there was going to be a magic wand that removes the first letter of any object to turn it into a new object. I thought about having a grape in the game so if somebody used the wand on it, the response would just be, "NO." Or maybe, since the object of the game is to buy the perfect present for the Hero's girlfriend, the Virgin, I could allow the player to make the most horrible choice they could ever make in a game. I wonder if I can program an EMP to go off via Inform?

Although I guess I already did that in my webcomic, Dwarf Lover (not the EMP! The part where the reader chooses to rape somebody!). Part of the series was in Choose Your Own Adventure format and one of the choices led the reader to attempt rape. The choices weren't "Do you rape Sheila?" and "Do you not do something terrible even though you're chaotic evil?" It was a little more ambiguous. Maybe I should have put a Content Warning on the rapey choice.

This quote is from Picasso at age five arguing with a playmate at a friend's birthday party.

Katchoo finds herself in the town of Manson as she searches for the missing Parker Girl, Stephanie. It reminds me that I need to finish reading my Rachel Rising omnibus. I hope I can remember what was happening when I left off. I also hope my forearms are still strong enough to lift that thing.

Strangers in Paradise XXV #2 Rating: This comic book has a completely black back cover. Why do publishers still allow comic books to be made with black covers? I can't say for sure because I never wash my hands but even if I had just washed and dried my hands, I'm confident they'd leave greasy prints all over the stupid thing anyway. Not that it matters since most of my comic books will almost certainly wind up in a landfill somewhere after I die and my current cat at the time of death partially eats my face. But it's still annoying. Aside from that criticism, it was a typical Strangers in Paradise book except for the absence of Francine. Although the way Terry Moore draws most women so similarly (also maybe I'm comic book face blind), I could have been reading Motor Girl or Echo or Rachel Rising. But I don't think I was. I'm pretty sure it was Katchoo stuck on the edge of the cliff for the entirety of the story.


Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles #3
By Russell, Stilwell, Feehan, Vazquez, Morales, Mounts, and Campbell

Rating: Do I have to give this a rating? It's written by Mark Russell and when has he ever failed to pack a whole lot of philosophical and social commentary into the most unlikely franchises? Well, two of them, anyway (meaning The Flinstones and Prez, for those not in the know). This isn't just a comic book about a gay playwright heading for a precipitous fall thanks to Joseph McCarthy's Communist witch-hunt. It's also about patriotism and acting and immigration and love and family and cartoon characters and pretty much anything else Russell feels like discussing. And it's all done so well that I don't have to comment on it because I'd just be repeating what he said but with dick jokes in. Just like with The Flintstones! And Prez! And probably that Bible thing he wrote that I won't read even though I'm sure it's nothing like my Bible thing being that his rewrites the entire Bible in a fairly short amount of space and I'm dissecting The Bible so thoroughly that I've already got 300 pages on Genesis and I'm only to Joseph's international work in Egypt.

What I'm saying is this book gets the highest rating in whatever rating format I should probably be using. Lots of stars or thumbs or buttholes or something.


Deathstork #29
By Priest, Neves, Scott, and Cox

Rating: I remember praising Priest for this book and the way he was telling the stories. But it doesn't work anymore. The book began as a bimonthly book (twice a month not every two months. Stupid English) so his multiple story lines and quick scenes to establish character worked well. But now that it's monthly, I can't remember all of these tangled story threads. The book is just too confusing. Maybe Priest forgot that he was writing comic books. He does know that we're a much dumber audience than actual book readers, doesn't he? I guess he doesn't because I have no idea what's going on in this book anymore. Except that Deathstork statutory raped Terra and now in this issue, he's simply mocking her for being his victim. I may not be a young teenager on Tumblr who is constantly amazed when they experience any kind of media from before they were born in which people are decent and socially progressive but I think what Deathstork is doing is probably wrong? I mean, sure, exes can be super annoying. I get that part! But I think when you've been in a relationship with a minor and later the police show up at your door, you probably aren't supposed to roll your eyes and say, "Exes, amirite?!"

I would watch this show.

Black Lightning: Cold Dead Hands #5
By Isabela, Henry, Guichet, and Pantazis

Rating: This is the penultimate issue. That means Black Lightning gets his ass severely beaten while Tobias Whale tells him his entire super villain plan. Next issue, Black Lightning's heart or will or belief in himself will grow ten sizes bigger and he'll summon the power to not be killed by Tobias Whale. Then he'll be all, "Thank goodness I now know Whale's plan so I can stop it efficiently in twenty short pages!" Or nineteen pages, anyway, because he needs to stick his dick in the principal of the school where he works on page twenty.

Letters to Me!

KBwrites: Harrumph! Still didn't get the newsletter via email. Oh well, I'm a bright boy, I just looked at it online.

"At one time in my life, I would have scoffed at that. I really did think, at some point in the past, that comic book readers were less likely to be prejudiced and racist assholes. I have no idea why I thought that. We've had plenty of evidence to the contrary to wake me from my naïve stupor. Every time some white male character gets traded out for a minority character, a large percentage of fanboys simply lose their shit."

Yeah, you'd think that people who enjoyed comic books might cleave to the ideals of their favorite characters. Even I am that most embarrassing type of comic readers, the Hal Jordan fan, exactly because I'd like to foster his virtues in myself: he knows right from wrong and cannot be intimidated into doing the wrong thing. (In theory every superhero has a healthy serving of those virtues, but they're what Hal excels at.) I'd be really disappointed in myself if what I liked about Hal was that he makes big green things and there are lots of explosions.

"Duke Thomas"

Agreed. The correct thing to do is present the character to the readers, and if they warm to the character, keep using him. If they aren't into the character, work on the concept or the execution -- but don't keep shoving the character at us in hopes that we will eventually give in and like him. This isn't a romantic comedy and we aren't the woman with the jerk boyfriend (Damien).

"it seems the plot dealt with Thomas Wayne being a monster who worked with Carmine Falcone."

Another story I would have passed on. While there might be good stories to tell about Thomas and Martha Wayne, giving one or the other a dark backstory doesn't rise to the level of "good". It introduces a conceptual problem as well. The deal with Batman is, Bruce Wayne learned at an early age that anyone can be taken from you for absolutely no reason, and he makes it his mission to protect people from being killed. Except, if Thomas Wayne was himself a criminal with a heinous list of misdeeds to his name, then his being killed by a criminal isn't random tragedy; it's poetic justice at a minimum, and (depending on the details) possibly even a direct consequence of his own actions. He who lives by the sword dies by the sword; he who lives by carpentry dies by carpentry (cough Jesus cough); and he who lives by crime dies by crime. It doesn't change the value of Batman's mission but it does ruin the thematic foundations.

"So how does that relate to Batman? Well, he began his journey just like a bill to stop another dog from dying on an airline. His parents were killed senselessly so he passed the Batman Law to prevent something like that from ever happening again. It's purely selfish. And while I agree that it could be a move to increase the greater good, it seems most Batman writers don't approach it that way."

Yes. I would further argue that it's not that Bruce Wayne wants to beat crime specifically, but the thousand ways human beings can suffer. Batman is just his way of dealing with crime that is beyond the scope of the Gotham PD.

"Like Tynion in this issue. Batman is less concerned with the fact that Batwoman probably saved hundreds of lives by killing an out of control Clayface. All Batman cares about is that she broke his rules. Batman has decided to embrace his system more than the reason that system exists. It's to save people."

Adults have to deal with competing principles pretty often. It shouldn't be that difficult for an adult to write a Batman who wrestles with competing principles. Though to Tynion's credit, it sounds like he had other characters express the various perspectives, so it's not like he hasn't thought this through. He just makes Batman sound like a moron.

Go Hommlet!

My reply:

"Yeah, you'd think that people who enjoyed comic books might cleave to the ideals of their favorite characters."

Maybe this is where my naiveté comes from. When I (and you!) began reading comic books, super heroes were actually heroic (even if not long after I started reading, many of them became bumbling). The generations of comic book readers after us grew up on dark Batman and dark Daredevil and depressing everything else (most of it published by 90s Image (which should be no reflection on current Image!)). They didn't give a shit about Hal's code. They just wanted to see some aliens pay with their lives. Things became less about saving people and making the world a better place to focus more on punishing bad guys. That's a hugely warped view of what seemed to be, at one time, the essential nature of comic books.

I don't know if you were ever into computer games but I often think back to Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar and how truly groundbreaking it was. Instead of questing to kill some terrible monster or stop evil from taking over the land, the entire premise was to make yourself a shining example for the people of Britannia. Imagine playing a game that refuses to let you win not just because you stole and murdered but also because you lied or refused to give to the needy or slaughtered monsters who were fleeing from combat? I imagine there are a lot of gamers today who couldn't even comprehend how Ultima IV was entertainment.

"Another story I would have passed on. While there might be good stories to tell about Thomas and Martha Wayne, giving one or the other a dark backstory doesn't rise to the level of 'good'."

You're right in how it changes Batman's entire philosophy. He'd be a different sort of dark knight if he grew up with the knowledge that his father was a criminal who most likely got what he deserved. Just finding out the premise of the Telltale Game made me glad I never picked it up (not that there was any chance of that; I played the first chapter of their Walking Dead game (because it was free) and grew bored fairly quickly). But I did appreciate the way this story was told in the aftermath of the one I'm going to assume was shitty and terrible.

"[Tynion] just makes Batman sound like a moron."

I don't think James Tynion IV likes Batman at all. I believe he's writing Detective Comics with the view that Batman is all that is wrong with the patriarchy and the kids are going to teach him what's right. But he also knows that he can't get too crazy with this idea because Batman fans read Detective Comics. So he introduced into the mix the super patriarchal figure that also happens to be a patriarch: Batwoman's dad. I suspect we're going to see Batwoman become an example of a woman being manipulated by the Patriarchy into believing its lies. That's a story that I don't mind seeing. But I just don't get why Batman should be seen as the enemy when he's way more progressive than just about everybody else in Gotham. Except maybe Alfred Pennyworth. And when he's visiting, Dick Grayson, of course.

"Go Hommlet!"

Yeah. Straight to hell! I was so mad when I bought that module and discovered it was all about roleplaying with hardly any hacking or slashing. And then they made me wait years for The Temple of Elemental Evil where all the good stuff was located!

And that's a wrap! Goodbye, jerkos!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #12 (Fourth Week of February 2018)

 

E!TACT! #12
Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #4, Kick-Ass #1, Milk Wars, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy

Black Lightning: Cold Dead Hands #4
By Isabella, Henry, Guichet, and Pantazis

Why does the United States of America have to suffer so much tragedy simply because the founders of this country made a mistake by including the 2nd Amendment? Are we not allowed to think of them as flawed human beings? Also, it's a fucking amendment. That word proves that the constitution is not an infallible God from on high teaching us how to live our lives! The document has been amended! It can be again! Some people are just too stupid to own guns.

Besides, have they not been living in the United States their entire lives? This is a country that bans everything in an effort to appease the friends and relatives of people who die in accidents! One person's daughter got a lawn dart in the throat? Ban those fuckers! Some kids might possibly choke on the toy inside a plastic egg covered in chocolate because they're obviously gluttonous little assholes who inhale sweets? Ban fucking Kinder Eggs! We ban toys that shoot tiny missiles that can get lodged down the throats of children that will probably die in some other stupid way anyway so now I don't own an awesome Boba Fett action figure from my childhood! How is that fair?! Although I did own the Shogun Warrior Gaiking who shot rockets from his nipples so I guess I didn't miss out that much. I bet it was Gaiking that caused the loss of rocket shooting Boba Fett. How many kids were pretending to suck on Gaiking's nipples when they accidentally triggered those rockets and died in the second most embarrassing way after autoerotic asphyxiation? (I don't need to be "actually'd" about Battlestar Galactica toys. Thanks!)

What I'm trying to say is that Portland now has stupid green bike areas at every stupid intersection where bikes can gather while preventing cars from turning right on a red (which is actually the safest time to turn right to avoid mowing down bicyclists) because lawmakers are constantly trying to prove that they're doing something to prevent sadness and tragedy. Except, of course, when it comes to guns. I suppose if the people who want to turn right on red lights had a huge lobby with loads of money, we'd have fewer green streets in Portland. Politicians only seem to care about issues when the issue either provides them with a lot of money by choosing the side which has the money behind it or will get them a lot of press and adulation for creating a law that wouldn't have even have saved the dead person who caused their family to lobby for change.

None of that has anything to do with Black Lightning. It's also just three paragraphs of probably incoherent ranting that almost certainly could be made into an intelligent essay if I were intelligent. Instead, I'm now going to hop on eBay and see if I can find a replacement for my childhood Gaiking toy. Maybe I'll replace Rodan while I'm at it!

Actually I just read the comic book and all of that had a lot to do with Black Lightning since it's all about Tobias Whale trying to ramp up people's fears to sell his alien technology weapons. I wonder what 2nd Amendment loving conspiracy nuts would think of this story. Why do they think the best argument to use is that people want to get rid of guns for profit and power when it is so obviously the other way around? I mean, I know the answer. Shitty dumb selfish evil people with power and influence know that accusing their opponents of all the terrible things they themselves do works because most people are idiots.

Here's the difference between most liberals and most conservatives. Liberals are liberal because of the things they believe. Conservatives believe the things they believe because they're conservative. When an argument is made, a person should weigh the rationality of the argument. They should not agree with a particular side simply because they think of themselves as belonging to that side. I suppose conservatives think they're the ones being logical and liberals only think what they think to continue some kind of liberal agenda. It's weird that that "liberal agenda" tends toward things like peace and love and health insurance for everybody and less poverty and burning effigies of Ayn Rand and being pro-masturbation and equality and fields full of kittens. I guess that's where the scads and scads of profit come in.

Black Lightning: Cold Dead Hands #4 Rating: Once again, I probably could have been smarter and less facetious and stream of conscious in my argument against the easily befuddled strawman caricature of a conservative but why? Intelligent people get what I'm saying! Nobody with an ounce of integrity thinks the world would truly be better with more Jesus and more guns. I can say what kinds of attributes they probably do have (other than integrity) but I hate metaphorically beating dead horses.


Kick-Ass #1
By Millar and Romita Jr.

Maybe I should start seeing a therapist because the majority of my comic book "reviews" begin with "Why the fuck am I even reading this?" I suppose the answer is a heady mix of curiosity and a collector's compulsion. If I were to see a therapist, I might learn that I also want to fuck my mother which would just screw me up more than the "I definitely don't want to fuck my mother" version of me that really wants to change the subject now.

Me buying comics: "Oh? What's this? A comic book with a name I recognize that I've purchased in the past? I must see how the story continues even though I can't remember anything about the previous comic book! Plus it will distract me from my mother fucking fantasies."

If Kick-Ass were really about what would happen if some kid decided to become a vigilante in the real world, it would just be a series of first issues where the protagonist dies in some horribly tragic but preventable way in just a few pages. Instead, Millar infuses Kick-Ass with a sense of reality by having Kick-Ass get his ass kicked constantly while never actually being shot in the face. At least I don't think he ever gets shot in the face. Maybe he did eventually get shot in the face since this appears to be a new Kick-Ass. In fact, seeing as how I haven't even read the issue yet, maybe it will be a whole series of copycat Kick-Asses who wind up getting murdered in their pursuit of justice and YouTube subscribers.

After just a few pages, I'm more impressed with Romita's art than I've been with his work at DC. It might simply be because this is the first issue and he's had a good amount of time to work on it. It will probably degrade as deadlines for later issues begin to compress. Thankfully, Millar will probably need some delays to get his scripts done giving Romita time to catch up. Although it's possible that even by the end of this issue, I'll start seeing Romita's rushed work which is quite similar to my "spent way too long trying to make it look passable" art style.

It's at this point in any given narrative where I begin to dislike the protagonist.

I'm getting a bit tired of protagonists who only manage to survive because their enemies choose not to kill them when they have the chance. But the "good guys," at the first opportunity, begin slaughtering the guys who gave them a chance to live. The "bad guys" offer to let the "good guys" live if they do what they're told. If they're the bad guys, why not just instantly kill them? Maybe I'm being naïve but it seems they could have killed her immediately and still gotten whatever information they needed from Coop. Instead, the "bad guys" all get slaughtered for restraining themselves from violent action. The "good guys" never exercise that kind of restraint. Which is why these kinds of scenes really ruin my connection to the protagonists. The Walking Dead television series is a good example of this. Rick and company should have been dead dozens of times over because the "bad guys" rarely shoot first. They're always trying to do some namby-pamby negotiating of some kind and wind up dead because Rick knows that a dead motherfucker isn't a threat. I mean, literally they are because, um, you know, zombies. But they aren't as big a threat as when they were alive.

I guess that's why Carl had to die. So that Rick could regain his humanity and the audience can maybe stop wishing Negan was the protagonist of the show. Although I'd rather the show just continued to show Rick as the real monster, thus making audiences extremely uncomfortable as they realized they'd been rooting for the bad guy the entire show. Then the final episode of the series could just be three hours of Frank Darabont explaining how the series was a metaphor for American patriotism.

I'm pretty sure the writers on The Walking Dead expected viewers to be shocked and hurt by the revelation that Carl had been bitten in the stomach. But my reaction was, "Who cares?!" It's possible they realized that was the reaction of most viewers because Carl didn't really have much of a character arc. So they began the mid-season premiere with a music montage of Carl doing things so the viewer could gain some kind of empathetic bond with him.

The Walking Dead Producers: "Carl is a boring shit. How are we supposed to make people care about him?! Can we play 'Hallelujah' as we show past clips of him growing older? We can't afford that?! Well fuck. Find another song that can produce melancholy and heartache in the listener which they'll transfer to Carl as we show him doing kind and sad things! Maybe we can trick them into thinking they felt that way about him all along!"

Anyway, back to Kick-Ass, you'll be happy to know that the three Americans survived by slaughtering dozens of Afghans whom I'm certain were terrorists who all had a hand in the World Trade Center attack. They were living in a village where an American soldier was being held hostage so even if they weren't involved in terrorism, they weren't actively involved in helping get the American to safety. What monsters.

The new Kick-Ass's name is Patience. That's probably supposed to make the reader think.

Upon coming back from America's imperialist, vindictive bullshit war, Patience learns that her husband has left her for another woman.

So he's Hitler in his own analogy?

Millar makes an attempt at political commentary by theorizing that Trump became president because some states were mocked as flyover states, specifically New Mexico. After studying geography, he might need to come up with a better argument. And I don't mean his argument about those "flyover states" being ignored by the government since it's those states in particular which gain the most benefit from taxes.

Patience decides to become the Robin Hood of Albuquerque by dressing up as Kick-Ass and stealing money from gang members. She'll donate some and pay for her kids to go to college with the rest. I don't see why drug dealers should have to pay for her lifestyle! First she makes a living on taxpayer money and now she expects drug dealers to pay her way? What a fucking parasite.

Oh, and for the history books (you know the future ones where Grunion Guy is proclaimed a god): Romita's art goes steeply downhill as the issue goes along. He finally got tired of drawing actual guns and decided the drug dealers should have weapons from the Halo franchise.

Kick-Ass #1 Rating: It's much better than I made it sound. Not "Shakespeare much better" unless you thought Shakespeare was a hack who thought up premises for stories that he immediately abandoned. Premises like "What would happen if a teenager became a hero in the real world?" abandoned for "What would happen if a teenager in a comic book thought he was in the real world and became a comic book superhero and everything worked out how you would expect it to work out in a comic book but with a few more bruises and lacerations?" At least this Kick-Ass has military training. But then, that's the twist! The bad guys in this book think, "Oh! Look! Some kid in the real world pretending to be a hero! We'll destroy this person!" And then they're all, "Ow! She poked me in the eye with a military move! We can't fight against American military training! We can't even pull the trigger on our guns before she pokes six guys in the eye! This is not like a comic book at all!"


Milk Wars
By lots of people

I enjoyed one-half of this Young Animal/DC Comics crossover. The other half of this crossover was a dud hardly worth reading. Somebody thought up the idea that milk is homogenized and so are mainstream comics. That thought was then expanded into a five issue series that doesn't say a whole lot more than that. Okay, that's not completely true. It's the commentary on the retconning of characters that makes three of the five issues entertaining. The first issue was decent because it was the introduction of the idea. After that, the Cave Carson/Swamp Thing issue was the only one of the three middle chapters that was necessary for the plot (as well as being the only interesting middle chapter). At the end of every issue is a two page comic about the history of "Eternity Girl" and ALPHA 13. The only reason to have purchased the Mother Panic and Shade the Changing Girl issues was pretty much for the way this story ties in to the main story. Also good is this moment where it boldly proclaims, "Here's a more interesting way to say what the rest of this series doesn't quite know how to say."

I think it might also answer my question about why I keep buying and reading this shit.

Possibly my favorite part was presenting Rita Farr as a comic book Christ figure, dying for perceived effect in comic book continuity only to have a number of half-hearted second comings that never really took. Until now, I guess.

The final issue brings me this image that I probably would have loved to see as a poster and had hanging on my bedroom wall until I was thirty-six.

Could I have used a funnier age than thirty-six? Perhaps thirty-three?

Lord Manga Khan and Mister Nebula also make an appearance. Only 80s kids will understand that!

Milk Wars Rating: Overall, a fun story that remembers it's a comic book and plays to those strengths. I believe it also brought the Doom Patrol back into the regular DC Universe while turning Robotman into Old Man Man and bringing back Rita Farr. The other Young Animal characters wind up in new realities which will be the basis of their next books. Plus Eternity Girl managed to sneak her way out of comic book's comic books and into comic books themselves. So that'll be a new brand that all the kids can get behind and throw their lawn mowing and baby sitting money at.


Letters to Me!

First up, KB! As usual! And probably last up too.

KB writes: Aaaand we're back in the junk folder!

Yeah, I think you nailed it with Deathstork: there were a bunch of last-minute editorial fixes as DC suddenly realized that killing people with sniper rifles is no longer cool. Can I applaud DC for doing the right thing for once without having to be shamed into it?

I predict that DC is going to have Deathstork return to being a killer soon -- just a killer who doesn't use guns. Maybe he'll start carrying Deathstorkarangs? Perhaps he'll make comments about how people who use guns are losers who couldn't seduce a teenage girl even if they tried.

I've been watching a ton of WILTY lately, and yes, you've got good taste. Lee Mack is a devious liar; when he has to sell a "true" story as a lie, he stalls VERY convincingly. I was especially surprised to learn that Lee Mack is a master of darts (hereafter to be known as "Leemackarangs").

My reply: I believe Deathstork retrieved his sword in the issue immediately following the issue where he declares he's killing people again. He also mentions something about his gun's bullets still being of the Ich Luger variety when he shoots New Super-man in the head. So it looks like DC has decided maybe guns shouldn't be solving problems in the DC Universe for awhile. And boy do I hope he makes that comment about losers seducing teenage girls!

If you like WILTY, I also recommend 8 Out of 10 Cats and 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, if you haven't seen those. I believe we've spoken about QI which I still enjoy but do miss Stephen Fry interacting with Alan Davies on a regular basis.


Nobody writes: Oh. I guess that's it. I wish I would get more mail. I'm so lonely.

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #7 (Fourth Week of January 2018)

E!TACT! #7
Black Lightning: Cold Dead Hands #3, Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles #1, Batman and the Signal #1, Deathstork #27, Justice League #36, Batman #38, Suicide Squad #33, Action Comics #995, and Letters!
By Grunion Guy

Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #3
By Isabella, Henry, and Pantazis

I feel like a shitty fangender because I missed the premiere episode of Black Lightning on CW. Now when people see me wearing my Black Lightning shirt, they're going to ask me what I thought of the show. Maybe I should just say "meh" so they'll stop talking to me because doesn't everybody stop talking to anybody who responds with "meh"? It would make the world a much better place if we all just shunned those people. Responding to somebody with "meh" is equivalent to injecting them with Propofol, trussing them up like a rodeo calf, shitting down their throat (after swallowing a full box of Ex-lax and waiting the appropriate amount of time), and then setting the oxygen in the air on fire to destroy the world in a massive firestorm. I'm sure the people who say "meh" want it to mean "I don't have the will, energy, or inclination to respond to your vapidity." Which is just the other side's perspective on my analogy, I suppose. The bottom line is this, kids: don't fucking respond to anybody with "meh" ever because it's fucking rude. It's almost as rude as responding with "tl;dr." Anybody responding with that should be round up immediately by the Secret Internet Death Squad which is totally not a thing but only because I haven't quite figured out how to fund it. If your only response is "meh" or "tl;dr," consider just not responding at all. Or respond and then go fuck yourself. Either works.

Rating: Tony Isabella is commenting on a lot of shit our society is currently dealing with and I can't say it's all bad (the writing! Not the shit society is dealing with. Almost all of that is bad!). I really want to say his writing is all bad because it's much easier to write horrible insults than to admit that I sort of maybe like something that somebody other than me wrote. I can't even say the story is morally heavy handed although it's a bit verbose setting up the "cops might shoot first because the people they're after are children who happen to be black and presumed armed" situation. And the cops do shoot first but Black Lightning is there to save them while the police Captain is all, "Thanks for preventing a tragedy! I guess we could have prevented a tragedy with proper training and actually disciplining knight errant cops who are constantly tilting at black windmills. But that means confronting hard questions and doing serious work and who has the time or the money for that?!" Tobias Whale doesn't make much of an appearance in this issue except in a scene where Isabella gets to comment a bit on social media and the NRA stirring up fear among the common (and I mean really, really common) people.

Later Edit: So I watched the show and it is extremely watchable. I like the characters and I like the situation they've set up and I even like the white guy. It's so much better than the comic book in that way that all television shows about comic book characters should be better than the comic books because they have so much more room for dialogue. Forty minutes of story per week is greater than twenty pages of story per month. Even when the show is only on for like a third of all the weeks.


Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles #1
By Russell, Feehan, Morales, and Mounts

Sometimes you buy a comic book written by a terrible writer because you've loved the characters for ages and because your optimism constantly causes you pain and disappointment. Other times you buy a comic book about a character you can't give a fuck about because the series is written by one of your favorite writers. But on the rarest of occasions, you get a book about a character you've identified with since childhood written by a writer you just can't get enough of. This is that book for me.

One thing I admire about Russell's work is that he doesn't start with an idea and then force the main character into the story he wants to tell. He begins with the main character and extends outward. He took The Flintstones, being a "modern stone age family," and used everything audiences already knew about them to discuss philosophical, theological, social, and political matters that affect the modern reader of the comic book. And with Snagglepuss, he's placed him into McCarthy era paranoia. Can it get more perfect than that? Snagglepuss is not only an effeminate sounding (and thus expressly gay in the series) stage actor but one of his main catch phrases is "Exit stage left!" Pegging him as a target of McCarthy is believable before you even open the book. And don't think Russell is simply using the story to express his opinions on something that happened over half a century ago. He explicitly makes this a story about living in Trump's America through the voice of Snagglepuss's Cuban lover, Pablo.

Rating: Mark Russell does not disappoint. He uses the familiarity of a Hanna-Barbera character to instantly thrust the reader into his social and political satire. I wonder if his experience with Prez led him to pursue characters like The Flintstones because it meant he'd have a much bigger audience at his disposal? Because he's doing in The Snagglepuss Chronicles exactly what he did in The Flintstones and Prez. He's telling fictional stories that have more to say in one issue than a decades worth of most superhero titles. Plus they're entertaining! So if you don't like smartly written crap because you're a dum-dum, you might like this comic book because it makes fun of broad audiences who must be seen enjoying all the things everybody seems to be talking about. No wait. You might hate it for that. If you understood that bit, anyway. Maybe you should go read the new Incredible Hulk. Is there a new one of those? I'm just assuming the dialogue is on par with a dum-dum's mental capacity.


Batman and the Signal #1
By Snyder, Patrick, Hamner, and Martin

Finally! A three issue mini-series about the Batsignal! I hope. It's possible this comic book is about to disappoint me just as much as Doomsday's Cock did because I've, once again, projected my desires onto a funny book.

This book should be an internal monologue of the Batsignal and how it thinks of itself as the hero of Gotham. You're probably thinking, "But where's the drama? Where's the action? It'll just be a stupid light thinking about how it's saving the day by being turned on!" But I'm thinking that when it's turned off, it will have to cope with Bullock jerking off on it and Batgirl jerking off on it and The Joker jerking off on it! Then it'll worry about whether or not the signal will look like a bat with all the jerk off juices all over it. It'll probably wind up summoning Rorschach to save the day.

It turns out Duke Thomas has taken on the name "Signal." It also turns out that the book is an internal monologue of his thoughts and how he thinks of himself as a hero of Gotham! Man, I hope I get three out of three right and Batgirl jerks off on him.

Duke has super powers but they're not worth discussing because I don't understand them. He sees light or something. It's probably clever because Snyder helped come up with the idea and we all know how clever he is. Nobody needs any proof of that anymore. Certainly nobody is getting any proof anymore, anyway.

This is a Metal Tie-in so I'm assuming the sudden rash of teenagers gaining powers in The Narrows has to do with the Metal Gene. It also, according to Commissioner Gordon, has to do with the "gnomon connection." A gnomon is the part of the sundial that casts the shadow. I learned that from the Infocom game, Trinity (which I beat on my own without any clues, by the way. Still my favorite of all the Infocom games). This story has already been less than subtle that it will be dealing with the cycle of the day. Also a bad guy kept mentioning "the dial." Remember, it's all very clever. Even if Snyder only gets a story credit and not the actual writing credit. That's typical of him. He farts out an idea or two and then makes somebody else do the actual work.

Whatever happened to All Star Batman? Did that end? Was it cancelled? Did I just forget about it?!

Rating: The Signal is Batman by daylight. That's about the entire concept! Sure, the story was told with a bunch of clever allusions to how day is different from night and how sundials exist and how bats are night creatures and how bad guys in Gotham only attack at night and how day has the sun and maybe Duke is kind of a son and...did I go to far? I think the main reason for this comic book is to use up all the yellow ink in the Bat offices. Somebody was all, "How are we going to use up all this yellow ink?! Maybe a double page spread of Batman's eyes? Maybe add more streetlights to the backgrounds?! It's getting insane how much yellow ink we have!" And Snyder was all, "Hey! Let's make a new Bat sidekick whose costume is yellow and then we'll make him work in the daylight where we can use lots more yellow ink!" Then Dan DiDio was all, "You've saved the day again with cleverness! See, Giffen? Why can't you be more like Snyder?! Treat your fucking job with respect, you asshat!"


Deathstork #27
By Priest, Neves, Scott, and Cox

DC loves retcons. So it's weird that the one retcon they should be murdering their own grandchildren to make happen is the one where Deathstork never slept with an underage girl. But apparently that's never going to happen because this issue is all about Slade fucking Terra. Well, not all about that. In fact, it seems to go a long ways toward making it ambiguous whether or not they've fucked. But if they're leaving a bit of ambiguity, I have to think that means Terra and Slade fucked. You don't write a comic book to prove Slade didn't fuck an underage girl by making it unclear if he fucked her or not. You take one panel where Slade tells Wintergreen, "Yes, I'm using her so I can murder a bunch of children. But at least I didn't fuck her!"

Hmm. After typing that last bit of fictional Slade dialogue, I'm beginning to question whether it matters that he fucked an underage girl. Is consensual sex with a teenager worse than trying to murder children? I know neither of those things are as bad as killing a dog which Slade did in a previous issue, so I'm not sure why I care!

I'm dreaming this page, right?

Rating: I fucking hate that this comic book is monthly and I've stopped doing monthly write-ups on it because it has too much story for me to remember each month. I can't follow it and I'm too lazy to go back and reread all the Defiance issues so I can understand the subtleties in the story. Like why did Willow/Rose take a bite out of a sandwich as she threatened Forgotten? Is that an ancient Hmong death threat? I also have to wonder if the cover which shows Terra crushing Deathstork in stone while the words "LOVE ME" are etched into that stone is supposed to depict the reason why Deathstork slept with Terra. I guess he had no choice? He really just wanted to be a loving father figure to her after she'd lost her royal Markovian family but she forced him to cross a line that should never be crossed. It wasn't his fault he slept with an underage girl! She was the one with all the power. I guess I feel bad for Deathstork now? Poor guy! Forced to fuck a young woman! It's terrible!

If you thought I typed that sarcastically then you're a monster! How dare you?!


Justice League #36
By Priest and Woods

Another comic book by Priest? I wonder if Batman will threaten somebody and then take a bite out of a sandwich?

The Justice League deals with philosophical political issues. Can I say "real-world philosophical issues"? Because I don't think any philosophical issue is ever about the real world. Philosophy is always about asking some nearly unanswerable question, taking a puff off your clove cigarette, and nodding sagely, right?

Usually I'm against comic book stories that ask the question, "What kind of problems would the Justice League experience if they were operating in the world today?" And, well, I feel that way about this story too! That's why I said usually! There was always a high-percentage chance that I wouldn't like this story.

Although I only dislike the story in a philosophical way! That doesn't mean I'm not finding it entertaining. Two totally different things!

What I'm getting from Wonder Woman is that if I commit a crime while wearing a mask and gloves, I can't be convicted? Well, well, well! Amazon.com hear I come!

That Amazon.com bit wasn't a Wonder Woman joke. It's not my fault the most popular place to shop online is named after a warrior race of females. Or is it named after the jungle?

The political stuff has always been an underlying issue with the Justice League running about the world doing whatever they wanted. Some writers just try to ignore it and I appreciate those writers! The kind of questions where the writer asks "What if this superhero were actually in a world which hadn't been built around superheroes existing for decades?" should be saved for Elseworld stories. I'd rather assume that superheroes, having been part of the cultural and political landscape for nearly a century, would simply be accepted. And any issues they create would have already been worked out. It shouldn't be that the Justice League has been around for sixty years and then somebody in power finally goes, "Hey! Has anybody considered how dangerous this is?! We should register them or something!" Let's just pretend that shit was worked out years ago and we're all cool with them flying around hoarding technology and wealth that could actually be used to help shape the world for the better rather than just being used to keep Despero locked up somewhere.

The best part about this story is how the Justice League seems about to be coming into conflict with a group of Justice League Cosplayers. They're some kind of legion, probably.

Rating: Priest has most everybody questioning Batman's tactics in this issue which is a bit weird. Batman is the guy who catches criminals and leaves them to the police so that the law can take care of them. Sure, he may beat some of them pretty badly but they're usually guys who are spraying bullets all over downtown Gotham. But he still makes sure they get their day in court. It's Superman who simply tosses people into the Phantom Zone when he decides they're dangerous. Maybe everybody should be questioning that dick.


Batman #38
By King, Moore, and Brusco

In this issue, we learn that Bruce Wayne is a sick kid with dead parents. Fine. I'll admit it. Even Tom King can write a bad issue every now and again! At least it showed Batman doing detective work. I mean, it wound up that his detective work was more like Dr. House's medical detective work. Batman works through the situation logically and rationally and winds up with a wrong answer that seems right. But then somebody says something mundane to him and he has an epiphany where the actual answer to the mystery drops into his lap. So it's kind of good detective work in that, at least, his mind kept working on the problem. He could have been like a criminal prosecutor and refused to listen to any more evidence because he'd already arrested somebody for the crime.


Suicide Squad #33
By Spurrier, Pasarin, Albert, and Blond

Oh look! The Suicide Squad is trying to get me back in their good graces by bringing on a new writer and using a cover that's a throwback to Ostrander's first issue on the series! Too bad that new writer is Si Spurrier and he's decided — against all that is decent (although possibly agreeing with many things I've said in the past (which we're ignoring in this specific situation because, without proper context, all things said are fluid (in other words, don't use my own words against me, you rat bastards))) — to continue using the same basic characteristics Williams was using for each character. Typically, I like new writers to at least acknowledge the work of the previous writer before heading down the path they've chosen to take the characters. But in cases where the previous work was annoying and irritating garbage, I'd prefer that they just pretend none of the previous issues existed. Spurrier doesn't seem to share my ideology. So now I'm stuck reading another shit Suicide Squad comic book. Thanks a lot, Si!

This is the poorly written metaphor for the entire issue.

I could have chosen a more worser image that included some of Pasarin's art but I think you can all picture how terrible that is. You've all seen the too tiny eyes, the elongated torsos, and the body parts that twist and turn in incomprehensible ways.

I get the feeling that DC really doesn't give a fuck about making this book quality. They're using their usual business model: if it's a popular title that will sell by name and Harley Quinn alone, just put the C-list artists and writers on it. The idiotic, drooling, virginal (not by choice) fangenders will continue to buy the shit out of it.

Goddammit. I just hurt my own feelings.

Christ. Even the letterer and the editors don't give a shit about this comic book.

Rating: Killer Croc continues to act like an illiterate moron. Harley Quinn continues to say things that, I'm assuming, the writer thinks are hilariously whimsical and violent. Enchantress continues to spew over-the-top demands full of dark imagery and medieval pronouns. Captain Boomerang continues to be a coward. And Amanda Waller continues to...well, actually, she's even worse than usual in this issue. She sends along a bunch of no-name super villains and explicitly tells the Squad that they're entirely disposable. I was surprised when Killer Croc didn't immediately eat half of them. Instead, he actually waits until they're killed.

In the end, even the guy who the story keeps telling us is going to die doesn't die. Fucking stupid Attempted Suicide For Attention Squad! Kill somebody important already! I mean, hell, just kill somebody unimportant to get the ball rolling! Next issue continues this loser nobody's story and my prediction? He makes it through alive. But then he like dies on the return to Belle Reve. I mean Belle Rev? Whatever. I hate this comic.


Action Comics #995
By Jurgens, Booth, Rapmund, and Dalhouse

Ugh. I'd forgotten how much I hate Brett Booth's art.

In this issue, Superman acts like a dolt and Booster Gold becomes a surfer from the 80s. While reading this issue, I pretended I was a responsible adult who fit into society's norms and thus never felt the need to pick up my first comic book to escape the anxiety of real life interactions.

I mentioned Dan Jurgens doesn't understand time travel. I don't think he understands Superman either. Jurgens' Superman apparently doesn't mind changing the past and screwing up the entire multiverse but he's against stealing a time bubble. I mean, he eventually relents and steals the time bubble. But he made a big fuss about how terrible it was. Plus I think he only did it because otherwise, to get the spare parts to fix their time bubble, he would have had to dismantle Flash's cosmic treadmill. Which he stole.

Rating: Dan Jurgens continues to write stories as if he's stuck in the mid-80s. Booster Gold even makes a "Rock the Casbah" joke. I used the term "joke" incorrectly there, by the way.


Letters to Me!
I don't know why Doom Bunny hasn't sent me a letter yet. I think he's too busy hating his job. But at least I got another message from KB! He's my new best friend and Doom Bunny is nothing to me. NOTHING! Although I wish KB's name were easier to spell. I don't even know if I'm spelling it correctly right now!

KB writes: No junk filter this time!

KB's super secret weight loss tips over here:
[URL REDACTED]

Short answer: aim for 1500 calories a day (rather than the 2500 or so an adult male should be getting), and consume lots of protein to keep hunger away. Pretty soon, I think, your body gets comfortable with supplementing its energy needs by drawing from fat reserves.

Me: I was with your web page's tips right up until you said eating fifteen egg whites was ridiculous. Now I'm offended.

KB: I seem to recall you're vegan, so good news: wheat gluten and TVP are pretty good options for taking the pounds off. They're both high protein, inexpensive, and versatile.

Me: I was vegetarian for a good portion of my thirties. The main rule I came up with when I went veggie was that I would eat anything (that wasn't meat. Duh!), even the things I'd decided up until that point in my life were like eating dog poo. So now I eat almost everything. I definitely eat far less meat than I did before I went veggie but that increased when the Non-Certified Spouse was borderline anemic. We introduced more meat into home cooking. As of yesterday, she's apparently not anemic at all anymore and full of Vitamin D (not a dick joke. I'm talking serious medical stuff here, you perverts). Oh, I still won't eat sauerkraut though. That's worse than dog poo.

KB: I've lost on the order of four inches in two months. "Inches" isn't a particularly scientific measure, but that's where my belt is.

Me: Congratulations! My belt doesn't have notches. Maybe I can mark it with a Sharpie!

KB: So, has Spoiler forgotten that she nearly destroyed Gotham because she tried running one of Batman's schemes and fucked the whole thing up? Turns out the patriarchs and the Establishment often know what they're doing. Yeah, the old can be corrupt, but the young can be motivated every bit as much by greed; they just dress it in egalitarian platitudes. And I'm going to trust experienced professionals over kids who invented the word "adulting", as if it's a special and noteworthy accomplishment for them to perform the most basic tasks that adults need to. "Look everybody, I wiped, all by myself! Take THAT, centrist Democrats!"

Me: Man, you're ruthless! I thought I was the jerko! Speaking of using the term "adulting," I was at Starbucks the other day and the order was six dollars and some change. So I gave the clerk six dollars. She said, "I need another dollar." My response was "I math!" I'm so charming!