E!TACT! #17
"A Reminiscence", Justice League #40, Batman: White Knight #6, Shade the Changing Woman #1, Eternity Girl #1, Action Comics #999, Suicide Squad #37, Justice League of America #26, Detective Comics #976, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Grunion Guy's Movie Reviews!
By Grunion Guy
"A Reminiscence", Justice League #40, Batman: White Knight #6, Shade the Changing Woman #1, Eternity Girl #1, Action Comics #999, Suicide Squad #37, Justice League of America #26, Detective Comics #976, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Grunion Guy's Movie Reviews!
By Grunion Guy
A Reminiscence
By Grunion Guy
By Grunion Guy
My editor, Pickle Boy, was sniffing the hand he just used to scratch his crotch when he said to me, "You know what, Boss?"
He calls me boss because I told him he has to.
"Boss," he said, "Boss, I think you should begin the newsletter with some kind of prologue. Like an essay or a sexy picture of you and your cat or something. You can't just begin with a comic book review that nobody cares about."
"And yet they'll care about some stupid essay which won't have anything important to say because I don't really care about anything at all? I mean, sure, I get what you're saying about the sexy picture though."
"Maybe you should write a story! Everybody loves your stories! Remember how those three junior high school girls in St. Louis went nuts for 'A Really Scary Story' and practically died when you creepily began following them on Twitter?"
"That wasn't creepy! That was cool! I was a star touching them with greatness!"
"You shouldn't say you touched them. I know I dropped out of law school to make sandwiches but I think I remember touching underage girls isn't great," Pickle Boy replied as he put too many onions on my sandwich.
"Hey, can you guys hurry it along, please?" said an old bat waiting to order her sandwich. She was super annoying and probably the villain in this story. I'm sure after she left Subway, she wandered off to poison an orphanage.
"I metaphorically touched them!" I shouted so that everybody stopped eating their sandwiches and crunching their chips and smacking their stupid lips. One of them probably said, "I'll have what he said!" and the audience remembered it forever. "Besides," I continued in my defense against pedophilia, "They're all in college now."
Pickle Boy sighed. He always sighs when I mention college girls. I think it might be because, in college, he did it with one that looked like a 3-D misprint of the hot girl at the local coffee shop (or at least that's what he claims). This was before he went to law school. Most of the girls he asked out in law school would respond, "Are you wearing acid washed jeans?" and then he didn't date them.
"You probably shouldn't talk about it anyway," droned on Pickle Boy. "Why don't you ever talk about your adult male fans?"
"Gross!" I exclaimed! If this script gets turned into a movie and the director decides to place it in the 80s, you could have me say "Gay!" instead of "Gross!" It would probably resonate better with older audience members who will turn to each other and nod enthusiastically while saying, "That's right! We used that word for everything back then!" Then a millennial will shush them and give them some side-eye before subtweeting them in a twenty-six long tweet thread about problematic older people and how they've ruined everything with their talking too loud in Subway shops and anti-pedophilia stances that sound suspiciously like joking about pedophilia. As if they know anything! Maybe they should concentrate on those old women getting pushy in the queue at Subway! They're the real monsters!
"Anyway, Boss," Pickle Boy kept on going. "You should think about it."
And I did think about it! But I decided I didn't have anything to say so I wrote about comic books instead.
It's still cool to think Lobo is cool, right?
See? Much better!
Although looking at this cover, I know exactly why I did this to myself. I think in a few minutes, I'm going to do it to myself again.
He calls me boss because I told him he has to.
"Boss," he said, "Boss, I think you should begin the newsletter with some kind of prologue. Like an essay or a sexy picture of you and your cat or something. You can't just begin with a comic book review that nobody cares about."
"And yet they'll care about some stupid essay which won't have anything important to say because I don't really care about anything at all? I mean, sure, I get what you're saying about the sexy picture though."
"Maybe you should write a story! Everybody loves your stories! Remember how those three junior high school girls in St. Louis went nuts for 'A Really Scary Story' and practically died when you creepily began following them on Twitter?"
"That wasn't creepy! That was cool! I was a star touching them with greatness!"
"You shouldn't say you touched them. I know I dropped out of law school to make sandwiches but I think I remember touching underage girls isn't great," Pickle Boy replied as he put too many onions on my sandwich.
"Hey, can you guys hurry it along, please?" said an old bat waiting to order her sandwich. She was super annoying and probably the villain in this story. I'm sure after she left Subway, she wandered off to poison an orphanage.
"I metaphorically touched them!" I shouted so that everybody stopped eating their sandwiches and crunching their chips and smacking their stupid lips. One of them probably said, "I'll have what he said!" and the audience remembered it forever. "Besides," I continued in my defense against pedophilia, "They're all in college now."
Pickle Boy sighed. He always sighs when I mention college girls. I think it might be because, in college, he did it with one that looked like a 3-D misprint of the hot girl at the local coffee shop (or at least that's what he claims). This was before he went to law school. Most of the girls he asked out in law school would respond, "Are you wearing acid washed jeans?" and then he didn't date them.
"You probably shouldn't talk about it anyway," droned on Pickle Boy. "Why don't you ever talk about your adult male fans?"
"Gross!" I exclaimed! If this script gets turned into a movie and the director decides to place it in the 80s, you could have me say "Gay!" instead of "Gross!" It would probably resonate better with older audience members who will turn to each other and nod enthusiastically while saying, "That's right! We used that word for everything back then!" Then a millennial will shush them and give them some side-eye before subtweeting them in a twenty-six long tweet thread about problematic older people and how they've ruined everything with their talking too loud in Subway shops and anti-pedophilia stances that sound suspiciously like joking about pedophilia. As if they know anything! Maybe they should concentrate on those old women getting pushy in the queue at Subway! They're the real monsters!
"Anyway, Boss," Pickle Boy kept on going. "You should think about it."
And I did think about it! But I decided I didn't have anything to say so I wrote about comic books instead.
The End!
Comic Book Reviews!
Justice League #40
By Priest, Woods, and Sotomayor
In this issue, the Justice League will be battling the Justice League of America. The cover shows them matching up against each other and I thought I'd predict who might win each battle.
Superman vs. Batman: Batman will win because Superman can't use lethal force. He also won't want to hurt Batman by using non-lethal force. But Batman can do whatever he wants to Superman because he knows he can't kill him. So Batman wins simply because the two combatants are fighting using different rules of engagement. And Superman's rules of engagement are lame (no offense to cripples meant!).
Aquaman vs. Black Canary: Black Canary will win because Aquaman has sensitive ears for hearing underwater. So she'll just introduce herself and Aquaman will fall on his knees and yell, "I yield!"
Wonder Woman vs. Vixen: Wonder Woman will win. Although I don't think it's right to show a white woman beating down a woman of color. I just thought I'd say that so everybody knows I'm awakened. Also I truly believe it! Such bad form, DC!
Cyborg vs. The Ray: This is the most even match-up in the group because a white gay male is equal to a black heterosexual male in the world of identity politics. Unless that's both racist and homophobic and then I think The Ray will win because Cyborg is boring.
The Flash vs. The Atom: This could be an interesting battle. How can The Flash outrun what he can't see when The Atom goes subatomic? But how can The Atom get inside The Flash's urethra when The Flash is so quick? Now maybe you see why I'm so excited for this penis. I mean battle!
Both Green Lanterns vs. Killer Frost: This is the "Which characters do I still have to draw?" match-up. It doesn't make any sense to waste two Green Lanterns on Killer Frost. Are we supposed to think Killer Frost can only be contained by two Green Lantern bubble cages? Or are we supposed to think, "Oh yeah! Simon Bax and Jessica Cruz barely even equal one Guy Gardner!" Okay, that's what I'm supposed to think. All the real comic book fans thought Hal Jordan.
The issue begins with the Justice League arguing about how racist they are. In the time it takes for the first word of the first person who begins the debate, The Flash could have evacuated all of the poor people. But he doesn't because he's the biggest racist of them all.
By Priest, Woods, and Sotomayor
In this issue, the Justice League will be battling the Justice League of America. The cover shows them matching up against each other and I thought I'd predict who might win each battle.
Superman vs. Batman: Batman will win because Superman can't use lethal force. He also won't want to hurt Batman by using non-lethal force. But Batman can do whatever he wants to Superman because he knows he can't kill him. So Batman wins simply because the two combatants are fighting using different rules of engagement. And Superman's rules of engagement are lame (no offense to cripples meant!).
Aquaman vs. Black Canary: Black Canary will win because Aquaman has sensitive ears for hearing underwater. So she'll just introduce herself and Aquaman will fall on his knees and yell, "I yield!"
Wonder Woman vs. Vixen: Wonder Woman will win. Although I don't think it's right to show a white woman beating down a woman of color. I just thought I'd say that so everybody knows I'm awakened. Also I truly believe it! Such bad form, DC!
Cyborg vs. The Ray: This is the most even match-up in the group because a white gay male is equal to a black heterosexual male in the world of identity politics. Unless that's both racist and homophobic and then I think The Ray will win because Cyborg is boring.
The Flash vs. The Atom: This could be an interesting battle. How can The Flash outrun what he can't see when The Atom goes subatomic? But how can The Atom get inside The Flash's urethra when The Flash is so quick? Now maybe you see why I'm so excited for this penis. I mean battle!
Both Green Lanterns vs. Killer Frost: This is the "Which characters do I still have to draw?" match-up. It doesn't make any sense to waste two Green Lanterns on Killer Frost. Are we supposed to think Killer Frost can only be contained by two Green Lantern bubble cages? Or are we supposed to think, "Oh yeah! Simon Bax and Jessica Cruz barely even equal one Guy Gardner!" Okay, that's what I'm supposed to think. All the real comic book fans thought Hal Jordan.
The issue begins with the Justice League arguing about how racist they are. In the time it takes for the first word of the first person who begins the debate, The Flash could have evacuated all of the poor people. But he doesn't because he's the biggest racist of them all.
It's still cool to think Lobo is cool, right?
Speaking of how cool Lobo is, does anybody remember that anonymous guy who kept replying to all of my Twat Lobo reviews as if I were the most serious and dedicated reviewer of all time? How could he read any of my reviews and think that I was being serious? I think commenting on the Internet gives you brain damage. He had to be one of Cullen Bunn's friends, right? Or even Cullen Bunn himself?
He responded to my review of Justice League of America Rebirth #1 with this:
Man, that guy was an asshole. I'm sure glad he's not one of my E!TACT Newsletter readers!
Also, I love Lobo so much!
The two Justice Leagues never battle. Granted, the cover just says they "collide" so I guess it's technically not a great big fraud to sell more comic books. Instead of punching each other, they spend most of the issue shitting themselves as the Watchtower plummets out of orbit with them in it. For some reason, Cyborg isn't able to Boom Tube them out and nobody has Doctor Fate's phone number. The Green Lanterns could have saved the day but they went on that mission with Martian Manhunter. Do you remember that because the cover artist didn't.
Rating: This issue was a bit boring. It was mostly everybody arguing about who should get to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. For some reason when Aquaman proclaimed he should, nobody said, "Yeah, yeah. Sounds like a good idea!"
Batman: White Knight #6
By Murphy and Hollingsworth
Rating: I'm fairly certain I missed Issue #3 in this series and I didn't even notice until this week. That might be a critique of this story or a critique of comic books in general. I could probably miss an entire week of books and when I was confused reading the books the month after, I'd merely assume it was my own memory at fault. Every new comic book should come with a reprint of the previous month's book.
Shade the Changing Woman #1
By Castellucci, Zarcone, and Fitzpatrick
I decided to give this series a chance even though I didn't like the character of Shade the Changing Girl and the series is still being written by Castellucci. Maybe now that she's a woman, things will get interesting. If you're an adult, you know what I mean by interesting and I don't have to explain how the birds and the bees makes you feel so good that you can't tell kids about it or else they'll start doing it immediately. You have to say things like, "Do you want to ruin your life with a baby like I did?!" and that might not go over well on your child's mental health further down life's road. Also you don't want to have to hear your child say, "What does masturbation have to do with procreation?!" Then you have to pretend you're angry so you can stomp out of the room and into the kitchen where you keep the dictionary stuffed in the junk drawer. After you've read the definition and sighed with relief that "procreation" doesn't have anything to do with "pro-life" which probably means your masturbating teenager isn't a filthy, disgusting member of the illogical religious right, you can go back into their room and threaten to take the door off its hinges if they won't stop enjoying their bodies in the way you don't want to think about your kid enjoying their body! Then they'll probably say something smart like, "Oh, so you want to watch me?!"
After you finish cleaning up your vomit from the doorway, you decide to do what every adult in the history of adulthood eventually decides to do: live in denial while making your kid do their own laundry. That settles that!
If you're not an adult, you probably didn't understand anything I just wrote and probably shouldn't think about it for too long.
He responded to my review of Justice League of America Rebirth #1 with this:
[First quoting me] "Lobo, like Rorschach, transcended the authorial criticism inherent in his creation!"First off, I ended that quote with an exclamation point! That's the first clue that I'm being a hyperbolic fanboy! What's worse is that I don't think he read the next few lines: "Also he looks super cool and sexy, wears radical knee pads that don't make any fucking sense, rides a motorbike, looks like he's wearing clown make-up, has a butt-rocker sense of style, and is way into space dolphins. He's the fucking best ever." The idiot can't even see that I'm doing that thing where I'm defending how he transcended the criticism with evidence that exposes that I'm just a stupid fan that loves all the dumb, satiric stuff about him!
Transcended, no. Becoming the very thing he was supposed to condemn? Definitely."
Man, that guy was an asshole. I'm sure glad he's not one of my E!TACT Newsletter readers!
Also, I love Lobo so much!
The two Justice Leagues never battle. Granted, the cover just says they "collide" so I guess it's technically not a great big fraud to sell more comic books. Instead of punching each other, they spend most of the issue shitting themselves as the Watchtower plummets out of orbit with them in it. For some reason, Cyborg isn't able to Boom Tube them out and nobody has Doctor Fate's phone number. The Green Lanterns could have saved the day but they went on that mission with Martian Manhunter. Do you remember that because the cover artist didn't.
Rating: This issue was a bit boring. It was mostly everybody arguing about who should get to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. For some reason when Aquaman proclaimed he should, nobody said, "Yeah, yeah. Sounds like a good idea!"
Batman: White Knight #6
By Murphy and Hollingsworth
Rating: I'm fairly certain I missed Issue #3 in this series and I didn't even notice until this week. That might be a critique of this story or a critique of comic books in general. I could probably miss an entire week of books and when I was confused reading the books the month after, I'd merely assume it was my own memory at fault. Every new comic book should come with a reprint of the previous month's book.
Shade the Changing Woman #1
By Castellucci, Zarcone, and Fitzpatrick
I decided to give this series a chance even though I didn't like the character of Shade the Changing Girl and the series is still being written by Castellucci. Maybe now that she's a woman, things will get interesting. If you're an adult, you know what I mean by interesting and I don't have to explain how the birds and the bees makes you feel so good that you can't tell kids about it or else they'll start doing it immediately. You have to say things like, "Do you want to ruin your life with a baby like I did?!" and that might not go over well on your child's mental health further down life's road. Also you don't want to have to hear your child say, "What does masturbation have to do with procreation?!" Then you have to pretend you're angry so you can stomp out of the room and into the kitchen where you keep the dictionary stuffed in the junk drawer. After you've read the definition and sighed with relief that "procreation" doesn't have anything to do with "pro-life" which probably means your masturbating teenager isn't a filthy, disgusting member of the illogical religious right, you can go back into their room and threaten to take the door off its hinges if they won't stop enjoying their bodies in the way you don't want to think about your kid enjoying their body! Then they'll probably say something smart like, "Oh, so you want to watch me?!"
After you finish cleaning up your vomit from the doorway, you decide to do what every adult in the history of adulthood eventually decides to do: live in denial while making your kid do their own laundry. That settles that!
If you're not an adult, you probably didn't understand anything I just wrote and probably shouldn't think about it for too long.
See? Much better!
Rating: I lied. The occasional drawing of a booby doesn't make it better at all. The main problem with this book is that it has too much to say and doesn't ever get around to saying any of it. It acknowledges as many problems with life and identity as it can but never says anything about the way humans deal with those problems. Shade just goes, "Beauty!" Then she sees herself in a mirror as an anorexic and also as somebody with lots of plastic surgery. Then she moves on to say, "War!" Cue the shot of protesters facing off against each other with signs that read "You're wrong!" and "We're right!" on them.
"Whoa!" I think. "I've never thought of it that way! Could you explain a bit more, Shade?"
"NO!" she screams and goes on to say how love can make you sad and happy without any context or emotion. But I'm sure a bunch of readers read that and thought, "Holy fuck! That's exactly what love is like! Man, such good stuff!"
But it isn't. It's trite. Unless I mean tripe. Maybe both?
Eternity Girl #1
By Visaggio, Liew, and Chuckry
This series seemed interesting based on the backup Eternity Girl stories in the Milk Wars saga. But as I typed the creators names, I realized Sonny Liew was doing the art and almost immediately lost all interest while also getting super angry about how terrible his and Paul Levitz's Doctor Fate was.
Why do you keep making me remember bad things, Brain? You're the worst. No wonder I love Penis so much more.
Eternity Girl is suicidal. She teams up with her dead arch-nemesis, Madame Atom, to destroy all space and time since it's the only way Eternity Girl can die. While she's making these plans, she hangs out with her therapist, lying about how she's doing better and she's ready to go back to work. So, you know, like every person who probably committed suicide after which their friends and family all said, "But she seemed so happy and successful!"
Rating: I like this book so far. My only hope is that they don't push the idea that Eternity Girl's sense of meaningless and purposelessness is the main reason she's suicidal. It was brought up a bit but, as we all know (at least, I think we all know if I imagine everybody is just like me in the way my therapist told me I must imagine if I'm to not seem like a sociopath everywhere I go), existential crises don't automatically end in suicide. In fact, embracing the meaningless of it all makes some people (should I say everybody or is that just me projecting myself onto others? What is empathy?!) into much better people. The knowledge that this is all there is and none of it matters can make you a monster or a saint.
I should write a comic book called Saint Monster! Dibs! Or Copyrights! Or Trademarks! Pickle Boy, get to lawyering!
Anyway, suicide often has no other reason than an imbalance of stupid brain chemicals. You hear that, Brain? Nobody ever committed suicide over an imbalance of stupid penis chemicals! And don't blame Penis for getting sexually transmitted diseases! It was Brain's responsibility to prevent those, you idiot. Um, so, you know. I hope the creators don't try to work through Eternity Girl's suicidal tendencies in some way that logically shows why she shouldn't be suicidal. Hopefully she doesn't find that she does matter and then decides she wants to live. I'm more than half hoping (possibly 95% hoping?) that she winds up killing herself and taking us all with her.
Action Comics #999
By Jurgens, Conrad, and Nunes
It took nine hundred and ninety nine comics but Superman finally realized that throwing criminals into the Phantom Zone was a dick move. His first (and possibly only?) step in correcting this attitude is letting Hank Henshaw out. After which Superman immediately imprisons him in an Inertron cell (unless it's Adamantium) and puts him into a hallucinatory state so he won't cause trouble. Jurgens seems to be telling this tale to show that Superman is too good to be corrupted like, in the other half of the story, Sam Lane fears. Instead, it simply shows that Sam Lane is correct. Superman does believe he's above the law. What gives Superman the right to hold a dangerous criminal in captivity without a trial? How is that not exactly what General Lane is talking about when he fears Superman might take control to keep Earth safe?
Although, to be fair, what's Superman supposed to do? He sees how Batman just leaves dangerous criminals to the system and they wind up inside Arkham Asylum's revolving door. If Superman were to let humans deal with the threats he takes care of, it would be irresponsible!
Although, to be fair in a fairer way, Superman's foes always seem to escape just like Batman's enemies. So Superman can either follow the law and the villains he captures will still escape, or he can imprison people illegally while they still manage to escape. Since nobody can keep a comic book villain locked up, Superman should at least choose the option that doesn't make him look like a fascist.
Rating: Most of the comic revolves around Lois and Sam measuring their dicks. That's why Superman and Hank Henshaw have to punch each other for a few pages even though Superman really just wanted to talk with Henshaw. It's weird how characters in comic books can't have a conversation without first punching each other in the face for a few pages. I was really surprised that General Lane didn't smack Lois a few times.
I suppose DC had to make this issue boring so that Issue #1000 will seem extra exciting!
Suicide Squad #37
By Williams, Luis, Tarragona, and Lucas
I keep thinking I'm going to take a few hours to read through all the comic books on the stack but then I read something like Suicide Squad #37 and think, "That was fucking painful. I'm exhausted. Why do I keep doing this to myself?"
"Whoa!" I think. "I've never thought of it that way! Could you explain a bit more, Shade?"
"NO!" she screams and goes on to say how love can make you sad and happy without any context or emotion. But I'm sure a bunch of readers read that and thought, "Holy fuck! That's exactly what love is like! Man, such good stuff!"
But it isn't. It's trite. Unless I mean tripe. Maybe both?
Eternity Girl #1
By Visaggio, Liew, and Chuckry
This series seemed interesting based on the backup Eternity Girl stories in the Milk Wars saga. But as I typed the creators names, I realized Sonny Liew was doing the art and almost immediately lost all interest while also getting super angry about how terrible his and Paul Levitz's Doctor Fate was.
Why do you keep making me remember bad things, Brain? You're the worst. No wonder I love Penis so much more.
Eternity Girl is suicidal. She teams up with her dead arch-nemesis, Madame Atom, to destroy all space and time since it's the only way Eternity Girl can die. While she's making these plans, she hangs out with her therapist, lying about how she's doing better and she's ready to go back to work. So, you know, like every person who probably committed suicide after which their friends and family all said, "But she seemed so happy and successful!"
Rating: I like this book so far. My only hope is that they don't push the idea that Eternity Girl's sense of meaningless and purposelessness is the main reason she's suicidal. It was brought up a bit but, as we all know (at least, I think we all know if I imagine everybody is just like me in the way my therapist told me I must imagine if I'm to not seem like a sociopath everywhere I go), existential crises don't automatically end in suicide. In fact, embracing the meaningless of it all makes some people (should I say everybody or is that just me projecting myself onto others? What is empathy?!) into much better people. The knowledge that this is all there is and none of it matters can make you a monster or a saint.
I should write a comic book called Saint Monster! Dibs! Or Copyrights! Or Trademarks! Pickle Boy, get to lawyering!
Anyway, suicide often has no other reason than an imbalance of stupid brain chemicals. You hear that, Brain? Nobody ever committed suicide over an imbalance of stupid penis chemicals! And don't blame Penis for getting sexually transmitted diseases! It was Brain's responsibility to prevent those, you idiot. Um, so, you know. I hope the creators don't try to work through Eternity Girl's suicidal tendencies in some way that logically shows why she shouldn't be suicidal. Hopefully she doesn't find that she does matter and then decides she wants to live. I'm more than half hoping (possibly 95% hoping?) that she winds up killing herself and taking us all with her.
Action Comics #999
By Jurgens, Conrad, and Nunes
It took nine hundred and ninety nine comics but Superman finally realized that throwing criminals into the Phantom Zone was a dick move. His first (and possibly only?) step in correcting this attitude is letting Hank Henshaw out. After which Superman immediately imprisons him in an Inertron cell (unless it's Adamantium) and puts him into a hallucinatory state so he won't cause trouble. Jurgens seems to be telling this tale to show that Superman is too good to be corrupted like, in the other half of the story, Sam Lane fears. Instead, it simply shows that Sam Lane is correct. Superman does believe he's above the law. What gives Superman the right to hold a dangerous criminal in captivity without a trial? How is that not exactly what General Lane is talking about when he fears Superman might take control to keep Earth safe?
Although, to be fair, what's Superman supposed to do? He sees how Batman just leaves dangerous criminals to the system and they wind up inside Arkham Asylum's revolving door. If Superman were to let humans deal with the threats he takes care of, it would be irresponsible!
Although, to be fair in a fairer way, Superman's foes always seem to escape just like Batman's enemies. So Superman can either follow the law and the villains he captures will still escape, or he can imprison people illegally while they still manage to escape. Since nobody can keep a comic book villain locked up, Superman should at least choose the option that doesn't make him look like a fascist.
Rating: Most of the comic revolves around Lois and Sam measuring their dicks. That's why Superman and Hank Henshaw have to punch each other for a few pages even though Superman really just wanted to talk with Henshaw. It's weird how characters in comic books can't have a conversation without first punching each other in the face for a few pages. I was really surprised that General Lane didn't smack Lois a few times.
I suppose DC had to make this issue boring so that Issue #1000 will seem extra exciting!
Suicide Squad #37
By Williams, Luis, Tarragona, and Lucas
I keep thinking I'm going to take a few hours to read through all the comic books on the stack but then I read something like Suicide Squad #37 and think, "That was fucking painful. I'm exhausted. Why do I keep doing this to myself?"
Although looking at this cover, I know exactly why I did this to myself. I think in a few minutes, I'm going to do it to myself again.
Ranking: It's possible Captain Boomerang died again this issue. The problem is the "again" part of that statement. I think every person on this team has died and then come back. This isn't the Suicide Squad. It's the Resurrection Squad. This comic books is terrible. I wonder how quickly sales would drop if DC Comics removed Harley Quinn from the team?
Man, I wish they'd remove Harley Quinn from the team.
Justice League of America #26
By Orlando, Mendonça, Vines, Faucher, and Sotomayor
Ranking: Poor, poor Justice League of America. For 25 issues, it had a free pass to be the best comic book DC currently publishes. That time has passed. Lobo has left the team. Although he did keep his JLA teleporter token, so he'll probably make guest appearances when sales begin to dip. The other reason this comic book has just trespassed into terrible territory? The next story features Chronos and begins twenty years from now. If only I had any reason to be optimistic about comic book time travel stories, I would be on the verge of arousal. But comic books have a long history of telling the laziest time travel stories in creation. I bet even The Bible told at least one decent time travel story.
Detective Comics #976
By Tynion IV, Fernandez, and Kalisz
Tynion begins this issue with a character saying, "The future is such a strange concept." The character then goes on to spew shit from his mouth. I know it's shit because it isn't anything that I would have said. What I would have said is, "The future is exactly like the past except we can't remember it for some reason." That makes sense, right? Imagine sitting on a bus. You haven't yet shit yourself and you don't remember shitting yourself. In some sense, you actually think that you won't ever shit yourself on the bus. But after two minutes of thinking, "I won't shit myself on this bus," you shit yourself while on the bus. Most people might think, "I really should have avoided this situation. And I'm sure I could have if I'd taken the proper measures to not shit on the bus." But what they should be thinking is this: "Whelp. I guess I was always going to shit on the bus. It definitely was my fault that I shit on the bus because I shouldn't have done all that crack and eaten all of that three day old chicken vindaloo. But since I was always going to do all of that crack and eat all of that chicken vindaloo, I really had no choice but to shit on the bus."
Not that I believe in fate! I'm just a pragmatist! Unless I mean realist! Unless I really mean idiot. It's just that we can't change the past so we probably can't change the future either. Unless time is like cement. There's probably a window of time where things set and then your course is stuck. But past that window, the cement is still being mixed in the cement truck. That's when you can avoid shitting yourself while on the bus. But once you're on the bus, it's too fucking late, man! You really shouldn't have smoked all that crack vindaloo.
Look, I'm not smart enough to understand time! I can't even understand space! And I don't mean outer space. I mean my own living space! How does one go about creating a life out of these shitty raw materials?! Sometimes I think the only way to get by is to shrug your shoulders, hold your nose, and jump into the deep end of adulthood. There's a certain amount of confidence needed to pretend you're as adult as all the other people doing a really good job of pretending they’re adults. Sometimes I think I'm still in the changing room refusing to take off my underwear so I can get into my swimming trunks.
Does that prove that I don't understand space and time? The fact that I made it into a swimming metaphor? It might actually be pretty apt because I refuse to swim in a public pool. I also refuse to participate wholly in society. I think maybe there are parallels there. Although one of those mostly has to do with how I'm trying to avoid submerging my body in the piss of other people.
Rating: This comic book has too many characters I either don't care about or hate to the bottom of my bowels: Tim Drake, Jean-Paul Valley, Stephanie Cluemaster, Tim Drake, and Tim Drake. I've always considered him the worst Robin. At least when I forget about Jason Todd, I do.
Man, I wish they'd remove Harley Quinn from the team.
Justice League of America #26
By Orlando, Mendonça, Vines, Faucher, and Sotomayor
Ranking: Poor, poor Justice League of America. For 25 issues, it had a free pass to be the best comic book DC currently publishes. That time has passed. Lobo has left the team. Although he did keep his JLA teleporter token, so he'll probably make guest appearances when sales begin to dip. The other reason this comic book has just trespassed into terrible territory? The next story features Chronos and begins twenty years from now. If only I had any reason to be optimistic about comic book time travel stories, I would be on the verge of arousal. But comic books have a long history of telling the laziest time travel stories in creation. I bet even The Bible told at least one decent time travel story.
Detective Comics #976
By Tynion IV, Fernandez, and Kalisz
Tynion begins this issue with a character saying, "The future is such a strange concept." The character then goes on to spew shit from his mouth. I know it's shit because it isn't anything that I would have said. What I would have said is, "The future is exactly like the past except we can't remember it for some reason." That makes sense, right? Imagine sitting on a bus. You haven't yet shit yourself and you don't remember shitting yourself. In some sense, you actually think that you won't ever shit yourself on the bus. But after two minutes of thinking, "I won't shit myself on this bus," you shit yourself while on the bus. Most people might think, "I really should have avoided this situation. And I'm sure I could have if I'd taken the proper measures to not shit on the bus." But what they should be thinking is this: "Whelp. I guess I was always going to shit on the bus. It definitely was my fault that I shit on the bus because I shouldn't have done all that crack and eaten all of that three day old chicken vindaloo. But since I was always going to do all of that crack and eat all of that chicken vindaloo, I really had no choice but to shit on the bus."
Not that I believe in fate! I'm just a pragmatist! Unless I mean realist! Unless I really mean idiot. It's just that we can't change the past so we probably can't change the future either. Unless time is like cement. There's probably a window of time where things set and then your course is stuck. But past that window, the cement is still being mixed in the cement truck. That's when you can avoid shitting yourself while on the bus. But once you're on the bus, it's too fucking late, man! You really shouldn't have smoked all that crack vindaloo.
Look, I'm not smart enough to understand time! I can't even understand space! And I don't mean outer space. I mean my own living space! How does one go about creating a life out of these shitty raw materials?! Sometimes I think the only way to get by is to shrug your shoulders, hold your nose, and jump into the deep end of adulthood. There's a certain amount of confidence needed to pretend you're as adult as all the other people doing a really good job of pretending they’re adults. Sometimes I think I'm still in the changing room refusing to take off my underwear so I can get into my swimming trunks.
Does that prove that I don't understand space and time? The fact that I made it into a swimming metaphor? It might actually be pretty apt because I refuse to swim in a public pool. I also refuse to participate wholly in society. I think maybe there are parallels there. Although one of those mostly has to do with how I'm trying to avoid submerging my body in the piss of other people.
Rating: This comic book has too many characters I either don't care about or hate to the bottom of my bowels: Tim Drake, Jean-Paul Valley, Stephanie Cluemaster, Tim Drake, and Tim Drake. I've always considered him the worst Robin. At least when I forget about Jason Todd, I do.
Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
Memory by Concrete Blonde
Concrete Blonde might be my favorite band of all time. This song is from Group Therapy, an album which came out after I believed they had broken up forever. The Non-Certified Spouse saw it and bought it for me before I even knew it existed. Not long after that, we were having lunch at Marco's Subs on Hawthorne and I picked up a Willamette Week to scan the local clubs to see who was playing. That's when I saw Concrete Blonde was playing at Dante's that night. So that was how I first saw Concrete Blonde live. Apparently at that concert was a friend from high school who had no idea I was living in Portland. She didn't come up to say anything to me and I didn't know she was even there until some months later. A mutual friend on Facebook mentioned she'd seen me at the Concrete Blonde show. It was only then that I remember seeing somebody at the bar who I thought kept staring at me and even sort of thinking, "That looks like Lisa." Turns out it was!
That was a memory I had while listening to the song Memory!
None of that has anything to do with this song which is slower than maybe I'd like. But since it's still sung by Johnette, I can't not like it. Her voice is fucking incredible.
Grade: B+.
How You Get the Girl by Taylor Swift
This song begins with Taylor having the most mediocre orgasm. I would have added "I've ever heard" but it's the only one I've heard so far. I think. Anyway, Taylor Swift gives advice on getting girls in this song. The gist of it is this: lie to her a lot. Say stuff like, "I want to be with you all the time!" and "I would wait for you forever and ever, even if you're fucking all of my friends constantly" and "I would rather hold your hand for hours than play Fortnite Battle Royale" and "I'm sorry for having fun without you" and "It's not a chore to make you orgasm after I get mine almost immediately!"
It's catchy in that way pop songs are catchy.
Grade: B.
Heaven on Their Minds by Carl Anderson
Possibly my favorite song from Jesus Christ Superstar! I just recently found a new Karaoke place that lists this song among their inventory. That means I'll be singing it soon in front of drunk strangers! I have no idea how many times I've seen this movie (at regular speed as well as fast forward while on LSD). I've seen the musical live twice: once with Ted Neely as Jesus and both times with Carl Anderson as Judas. He's my favorite so it makes me happy to have seen him perform before he died. I didn't watch the recent live version of this although I did look up Alice Cooper as Herod to watch his performance on YouTube. I wasn't thrilled about the way he sang the song but I enjoyed watching him play the part. He's my favorite too!
It's possible I don't know what the word favorite means.
Grade: A+.
All You Had to Do Was Stay by Taylor Swift
Fuck you, iTunes! Your random feature is the worst. Maybe I should just begin skipping songs when iTunes repeats an album in these short lists. Otherwise the list just gets shorter as I forget to talk about one of the songs because I'm too busy cussing at iTunes.
Anyway, this song is another catchy pop song. Except this one has a bonus feature: every time Taylor Swift says the word "stay" in a high pitched voice, it's like getting an ice pick rammed into the front of your skull!
I think this song is about a guy who broke up with Taylor Swift (I know all of her songs are about that! I haven't gotten to the bit that makes it different yet! At least I think it makes it different) but he wants to fuck her again. And she's all, "Dude. If you wanted to put your penis in my vagina, all you had to do was [ICE PICK IN MY SKULL]!"
Grade: C.
Interjections by Bob Dorough
This is that Schoolhouse Rock song that everybody my age remembers. I like to sing it as "Expletives."
He cured the infection,
With one small injection,
While Reginal uttered some expletives!
Asshole, that smarts!
Shit! That hurt!
Fuck! That's not fair!
Givin' a guy a shot down there!
But that isn't the best part of the song! The date rape part gets even better!
Though Geraldine played hard to get,
Geraldo knew he'd woo her yet.
He showed his affection
With a meat injection
While Geraldine hollered some expletives!
I guess it isn't as date rapey when I change it to my lyrics. The original song goes like this: "He showed his affection despite her objections while Geraldine hollered some interjections." I think a few of those interjections are "No means no!" and "Help! Rape!" and, of course the last one, "Hey! You're kind of cute!" This song might be Ground Zero for Rape Culture. Did I capitalize too many words in that last sentence? I might be edging into conspiracy theorist territory!
Grade: B- (it's not the best Schoolhouse Rock song but it certainly isn't any Busy Prepositions. Ugh! (Oh look! Interjections!)).
Concrete Blonde might be my favorite band of all time. This song is from Group Therapy, an album which came out after I believed they had broken up forever. The Non-Certified Spouse saw it and bought it for me before I even knew it existed. Not long after that, we were having lunch at Marco's Subs on Hawthorne and I picked up a Willamette Week to scan the local clubs to see who was playing. That's when I saw Concrete Blonde was playing at Dante's that night. So that was how I first saw Concrete Blonde live. Apparently at that concert was a friend from high school who had no idea I was living in Portland. She didn't come up to say anything to me and I didn't know she was even there until some months later. A mutual friend on Facebook mentioned she'd seen me at the Concrete Blonde show. It was only then that I remember seeing somebody at the bar who I thought kept staring at me and even sort of thinking, "That looks like Lisa." Turns out it was!
That was a memory I had while listening to the song Memory!
None of that has anything to do with this song which is slower than maybe I'd like. But since it's still sung by Johnette, I can't not like it. Her voice is fucking incredible.
Grade: B+.
How You Get the Girl by Taylor Swift
This song begins with Taylor having the most mediocre orgasm. I would have added "I've ever heard" but it's the only one I've heard so far. I think. Anyway, Taylor Swift gives advice on getting girls in this song. The gist of it is this: lie to her a lot. Say stuff like, "I want to be with you all the time!" and "I would wait for you forever and ever, even if you're fucking all of my friends constantly" and "I would rather hold your hand for hours than play Fortnite Battle Royale" and "I'm sorry for having fun without you" and "It's not a chore to make you orgasm after I get mine almost immediately!"
It's catchy in that way pop songs are catchy.
Grade: B.
Heaven on Their Minds by Carl Anderson
Possibly my favorite song from Jesus Christ Superstar! I just recently found a new Karaoke place that lists this song among their inventory. That means I'll be singing it soon in front of drunk strangers! I have no idea how many times I've seen this movie (at regular speed as well as fast forward while on LSD). I've seen the musical live twice: once with Ted Neely as Jesus and both times with Carl Anderson as Judas. He's my favorite so it makes me happy to have seen him perform before he died. I didn't watch the recent live version of this although I did look up Alice Cooper as Herod to watch his performance on YouTube. I wasn't thrilled about the way he sang the song but I enjoyed watching him play the part. He's my favorite too!
It's possible I don't know what the word favorite means.
Grade: A+.
All You Had to Do Was Stay by Taylor Swift
Fuck you, iTunes! Your random feature is the worst. Maybe I should just begin skipping songs when iTunes repeats an album in these short lists. Otherwise the list just gets shorter as I forget to talk about one of the songs because I'm too busy cussing at iTunes.
Anyway, this song is another catchy pop song. Except this one has a bonus feature: every time Taylor Swift says the word "stay" in a high pitched voice, it's like getting an ice pick rammed into the front of your skull!
I think this song is about a guy who broke up with Taylor Swift (I know all of her songs are about that! I haven't gotten to the bit that makes it different yet! At least I think it makes it different) but he wants to fuck her again. And she's all, "Dude. If you wanted to put your penis in my vagina, all you had to do was [ICE PICK IN MY SKULL]!"
Grade: C.
Interjections by Bob Dorough
This is that Schoolhouse Rock song that everybody my age remembers. I like to sing it as "Expletives."
He cured the infection,
With one small injection,
While Reginal uttered some expletives!
Asshole, that smarts!
Shit! That hurt!
Fuck! That's not fair!
Givin' a guy a shot down there!
But that isn't the best part of the song! The date rape part gets even better!
Though Geraldine played hard to get,
Geraldo knew he'd woo her yet.
He showed his affection
With a meat injection
While Geraldine hollered some expletives!
I guess it isn't as date rapey when I change it to my lyrics. The original song goes like this: "He showed his affection despite her objections while Geraldine hollered some interjections." I think a few of those interjections are "No means no!" and "Help! Rape!" and, of course the last one, "Hey! You're kind of cute!" This song might be Ground Zero for Rape Culture. Did I capitalize too many words in that last sentence? I might be edging into conspiracy theorist territory!
Grade: B- (it's not the best Schoolhouse Rock song but it certainly isn't any Busy Prepositions. Ugh! (Oh look! Interjections!)).
Grunion Guy's Movie Reviews!
Boy
This was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life up until a certain point that I'm going to spoil in the following sentences and possibly even this one. No wait. It wasn't that one. But soon, I'm sure!
First off, everybody has New Zealand accents in this film by Taika Waititi. That already gives the movie +75 percentage points in my 1-100% rating system. How can you not love the New Zealand accent? I sometimes wonder how anybody in New Zealand can argue with anybody else in New Zealand. Wouldn't they all just start giggling and feeling good because they're listening to other New Zealand accents? I bet the only time anybody argues in New Zealand is when some stupid Australian steps foot on their island.
Second off, the characters in this movie make me ashamed of my own personality. Why can't I be written as well as Rocky was written? Or Boy? Or Falcon Crest? Just a spectacular array of characters, with almost all of whom I fell in love, even if they didn't have any lines or much screen time.
Third off, am I doing a movie review correctly? I feel like I should be smarterer. I mean, third off, Taika Waititi might be the most charming person in existence. The only person more charming is Taika Waititi when he's with either Jemaine Clement or Rhys Darby.
Now is the part where I spoil the movie! This movie was pure joy and I was thinking, "This is my favorite movie! Do I even know what 'favorite' means? You know what? I don't care! This movie is my favorite." And then the goat was hit by the car and killed. Then all of my joy left me and I cried. I cried a lot. Then after the movie was over, I went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and sobbed. I don't think I sobbed as much as when my cat Judas died but I definitely sobbed more than after the finale of Mad Men. Also, I still don't know exactly why that made me weep snottily. Maybe I'm broken in that way Douglas Coupland warns in Generation X?
I suppose even with the death of the goat, this movie was better than all the movies. I think maybe the goat was meant to get the viewer over the edge because there was so much low-level sadness in this thing but it was hard to tell it was sad because the accents and the cute characters. But then the goat died and you're left thinking, "Oh yeah. Some of this is really fucking terrible! Fuck you, life! You suck!" But then they all do the Maori dance to that super popular Maori song while dancing like Thriller and everybody is happy again. Also the goat doesn't really die. You have to stick around until the after credits scene to learn that.
Rating: 98%
This was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life up until a certain point that I'm going to spoil in the following sentences and possibly even this one. No wait. It wasn't that one. But soon, I'm sure!
First off, everybody has New Zealand accents in this film by Taika Waititi. That already gives the movie +75 percentage points in my 1-100% rating system. How can you not love the New Zealand accent? I sometimes wonder how anybody in New Zealand can argue with anybody else in New Zealand. Wouldn't they all just start giggling and feeling good because they're listening to other New Zealand accents? I bet the only time anybody argues in New Zealand is when some stupid Australian steps foot on their island.
Second off, the characters in this movie make me ashamed of my own personality. Why can't I be written as well as Rocky was written? Or Boy? Or Falcon Crest? Just a spectacular array of characters, with almost all of whom I fell in love, even if they didn't have any lines or much screen time.
Third off, am I doing a movie review correctly? I feel like I should be smarterer. I mean, third off, Taika Waititi might be the most charming person in existence. The only person more charming is Taika Waititi when he's with either Jemaine Clement or Rhys Darby.
Now is the part where I spoil the movie! This movie was pure joy and I was thinking, "This is my favorite movie! Do I even know what 'favorite' means? You know what? I don't care! This movie is my favorite." And then the goat was hit by the car and killed. Then all of my joy left me and I cried. I cried a lot. Then after the movie was over, I went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and sobbed. I don't think I sobbed as much as when my cat Judas died but I definitely sobbed more than after the finale of Mad Men. Also, I still don't know exactly why that made me weep snottily. Maybe I'm broken in that way Douglas Coupland warns in Generation X?
I suppose even with the death of the goat, this movie was better than all the movies. I think maybe the goat was meant to get the viewer over the edge because there was so much low-level sadness in this thing but it was hard to tell it was sad because the accents and the cute characters. But then the goat died and you're left thinking, "Oh yeah. Some of this is really fucking terrible! Fuck you, life! You suck!" But then they all do the Maori dance to that super popular Maori song while dancing like Thriller and everybody is happy again. Also the goat doesn't really die. You have to stick around until the after credits scene to learn that.
Rating: 98%
What Am I Currently Reading?!
I just finished reading Piers Anthony's Apprentice Adept series. The last time I was in Seattle visiting my friend Xan (no relation to the land of Xanth, probably), we began talking about Piers Anthony for some reason. It's when I remembered this series. I told her it was where I first learned the word demesnes and I still didn't know how to pronounce it correctly. She also remembered the book where she learned that word but I don't remember what she said because I don't listen very well.
Rereading the series was interesting because I'd forgotten how poorly the whole thing ties up (not that it's all tied up! I believe Anthony wrote more stories in this world later. I suppose I'll read those next). At the time we talked about the books, I remembered a couple of things. The main thing was that the characters compete in some elaborate game system where they pick categories to decide what they'll be playing. I didn't remember any of the games except the one where the main character competes against a person playing musical instruments. The other player is better but the main character shows the audience how to tap with their heel instead of their toe because that moves their whole leg. It's the only way white people know how to show excitement while listening to music, I guess. What a revelation though! Tap with your heel? Crazy!
The main thing I learned from this series is that maybe I don't have enough life left in me to be reading books I've read before. Especially books I read when I was twelve. Why would I take advice from that smelly idiot?!
And that's a wrap on this week's newsletter! Goodbye, jerkos!
Rereading the series was interesting because I'd forgotten how poorly the whole thing ties up (not that it's all tied up! I believe Anthony wrote more stories in this world later. I suppose I'll read those next). At the time we talked about the books, I remembered a couple of things. The main thing was that the characters compete in some elaborate game system where they pick categories to decide what they'll be playing. I didn't remember any of the games except the one where the main character competes against a person playing musical instruments. The other player is better but the main character shows the audience how to tap with their heel instead of their toe because that moves their whole leg. It's the only way white people know how to show excitement while listening to music, I guess. What a revelation though! Tap with your heel? Crazy!
The main thing I learned from this series is that maybe I don't have enough life left in me to be reading books I've read before. Especially books I read when I was twelve. Why would I take advice from that smelly idiot?!
And that's a wrap on this week's newsletter! Goodbye, jerkos!
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