Batman: Shadow of the Bat #10 (March 1993)

Batman discovers a secret ruler of Gotham? More proof Grant invented the Court of Owls idea.

The Cover
Look, I might be wrong about that caption. I haven't read this comic book before. Not "I read it thirty years ago and don't remember it." I have never read this one. I just picked it up at my local comic book store (Excalibur! Hi Debbie! Hi Peter!) for basically cover price. Unless, of course, I already own it and it was stored — for some stupid reason that my brain thought was a good reason decades ago — separately from the other Shadow of the Bat comics. But none of that has anything to do with the cover though so, um, let's start again!

The Cover
Brian Stelfreeze depicts Batman as mostly shadow hovering and/or falling in a twisted Escheresque landscape. This suggests Batman is lost within Gotham which he should never be. He is the master of Gotham and knows every inch of it. So why has he lost a part of himself (lack of color!) and become trapped in this surreal hell without an obvious enemy in sight? It's an interesting and eye-catching cover which Stelfreeze desperately wants us to know was painted.

I don't know art. Did he want this textured result? Or did he forget the painting in the boot of his car over a long, hot day?

The Story
I'm a little bit sick of reading Batman comic books since I've been doing it for about four months now. And yet I went and purchased another stack of them just when I was about to bid a fond farewell to my issues of the Caped Crusader. I'm hating myself a little bit right now. Or a little bit more? It's hard to tell at my age. I've become so comfortably numb with my self-loathing that it's like a second skin. Sometimes I can even convince myself that I don't hate what I've become and actually embrace who I pretend to be. But then I remember that I've been pretending to be so many different people for so long that I'm not sure there ever was a real me at the foundation of it all. Well, if there is, that asshole's going to have to read a few more issues of Batman this month. Get fucked, sucker!

The issue begins with Batman arriving at a castle overlooking Gotham City. The Narrator explains that it took thirty years to build but when were those thirty years? Eighty years ago? Fifty? Thirty years ago so it was just finished which is why this is the first I'm hearing about this castle. I know I'm not a Bat-Scholar and know precious little about the DC Universe so maybe the fucking castle has been there forever. This could be one of those Morrison or Johns things where Alan Grant has dredged up the memory of an old Batman comic he read when he was six about a ghost castle outside of Gotham.

Grant begins the story in media res (as many comics begin but I think he's doing it legitimately and not where they show an action shot on the first page and then restart the story from the beginning) so we're not sure what led Batman to the castle. But Batman hints that a case he's been working on has led him there and he states explicitly why he's come.

To prevent murder!

As we can see, Batman lacks all respect for this thane. Of course he does. This guy doesn't own Gotham. He doesn't know Gotham like Batman knows Gotham. He's just a cheap John trying to purchase a quick thrill from Batman's lady. Well, a thrill that took thirty years so maybe not that quick. But the final act will probably be quick. Stupid men mostly being terrible at sex because they're selfish and they've trained themselves to ejaculate quickly before their mom walks in on them.

Dammit. How did I go from Batman to jerking off? Usually that train derails from that track when I'm discussing Robin. Not because I'm a pedo! Because he's a teenager whacking off all over Wayne Mansion and Alfred has to wash his disgusting sheets and socks and pretend he doesn't seen Robin's DNA all over everything.

Batman climbs onto the roof of the castle to find, as he explicitly states, an Escher-like landscape of stairs and multiple doors. He thinks, "The quickest way in," and then attempts one of the doors. How did he know that particular door was the quickest way in (also it wasn't)? Or does Batman just look at houses and think, "Aha! The quickest way in!" Then he walks in the door and nods knowingly at everybody who tried to get in through the chimney or the window. Although knowing Batman's history, isn't the quickest way in usually the skylight? Oh, that's probably why he went up to the roof! He was going to drop in via skylight! But it's a castle so he was foiled because castles almost never have skylights. Idiot.

After embarrassing himself by trying a false door, Batman gets down to some serious detective work.

Angus Macabre built this castle. He's now having a dinner party that will result in murder at 9:45 PM. Or so Batman believes. Maybe this is one of those House on Haunted Hill situations. You know. Some rich eccentric guy who wants to kill his wife hosts a party and fakes a haunting so a bunch of people are witnesses to how a ghost killed the guy's wife. Is that what happened in that movie? That's how I remember it!

Angus Macabre explains to his guests, in a thick Scottish accent, that they were invited to this party because of some kind of history they have with him. One other person was supposed to be invited as well: Thomas Wayne. But Bruce sent Angus a note saying, "Sorry to tell you but Thomas Wayne was shot in the face with his wife nearly thirty years ago. Regards, Batm--Bruce Wayne." The invitation itself must have alerted Batman to Angus's plan since he seems to suspect that Angus wants to murder everybody invited to the party. Why his father? What did he do to Angus?! I bet Angus was totally into Martha.

Eeek! That's almost as scary as the skeleton from House on Haunted Hill!

Angus Macabre tells a thirty year old tale which answers why they're all here. Thirty years previously, Angus's wife was about to have a baby. But the hospital was full to the brim with train crash victims and they had nobody who could deliver a baby. Thomas Wayne just happened to be nearby and declared he could deliver a baby even though that wasn't his specialty. Along with a nurse and an intern anesthetist, they were able to deliver Angus and his wife's baby.

Gross. I guess they did it wrong.

I guess Angus was upset that his baby was born so hairy and with buck teeth and also because his wife died while delivering it. Even thirty years before 1992, you couldn't just toss a baby in the trash can if it came out ugly after killing your wife. So Angus was now saddled with a disgusting baby and he blamed the doctor Thomas Wayne, the anesthetist Dale King, and the nurse Joan (now married to Dale) from so many years ago. He should have blamed his wife and either his dick or the caveman his wife fucked. Although maybe Batman's wrong? Maybe this dinner party is simply to celebrate his son's 30th birthday and he wants to thank the people who helped bring him into the world? I bet he's grown up to be a terribly disgusting yet successful man. Or a Batman villain!

After receiving the invite, Batman thought it was suspicious so he researched Angus Macabre. He discovered that Angus had tried to sue the city and everybody involved but eventually gave up and decided to build an insane castle instead. Obviously he's intent on revenge then, right? Or, and maybe I'm just an extreme optimist, celebration? This is just a cute little party for his horrid son, right?

At least there's cake.

Batman discovers the kitchen which seemingly hasn't been used for years, except maybe the cake pan and the rat poison. But while Batman investigates, he's ambushed by Lachlan the Monster Baby. I mean Lachlan the Monster Young Man of Thirty!

Another person at the party is some guy named Warren. I didn't mention him because I didn't know how he fit in but it turns out he was the lawyer who told Macabre he should drop his lawsuit because he didn't have a case. Okay, sure, he probably deserves to be killed. But not Dale and Joan! They did all they could and they didn't even throw up when they got a look at the hideous baby! You couldn't ask for more!

The lawyer slips up and says something about how Angus must know the truth which is why he brought them there to kill them. A-ha! So he does deserve to die! But Dale and Joan are just innocent victims who tried their best with 1960s medical technology!

Yes, Lachlan, yes! That is Baaaat-maaaaan!

Batman doesn't exactly beat the shit out of Lachlan but he does throw him to the ground and makes him cry. I'm used to Batman beating up mentally ill people but mentally handicapped people now? Come on, Bruce! Be better!

Apparently Joan and Dale did deserve to be sued for malpractice because they made some kind of deal with the lawyer to get the case dropped. But he's been blackmailing them ever since. Although wouldn't Thomas Wayne bear the brunt of the responsibility? He decided an intern was good enough for the procedure. And what would the nurse have done that went against Wayne's instructions that would cause her to be at fault? And since if anybody is to blame for the death of Macabre's wife it would be Thomas Wayne, then it was surely a tragic accident that could not have been avoided. Because we're not going to sully Thomas Wayne's name here. Are we?!

Batman realizes time is short so he teams up with Lachlan to save the day.

"I know you can't understand that I'm manipulating you to help me throw your father in jail but that's life, kid!"

After Angus winds up in jail for attempted murder, maybe Batman will hire Lachlan to help out Harold in the Batcave?

Batman winds up having to save everybody from the gun wielding lawyer who loses his mind at the thought that Angus might be trying to blackmail them. He learns that Angus was just trying to get everybody involved to show a little compassion for him and his son. Why after thirty years? I don't know. Maybe he ran out of money building the crazy castle for his son to play in and was hoping they'd feel bad for their part in his wife's death and give him a little charity. But in the end, they all just leave feeling a little sadder and maybe a little guilty. But I bet Bruce Wayne sent him a big fat check soon after! Maybe he even offered Lachlan a job for $100,000 a year!

The Ranking
I just love these Alan Grant one shots. I'd forgotten what it's like to read a mainstream comic book that doesn't spread the story out over six issues for future compilation considerations! Just a nice little story about Batman punching a mentally disabled person in the face and then bribing him to take him to his father so he can arrest him on suspicion of murder. Of course, the rat poison kept in the kitchen was actually meant for rats and didn't wind up in the cake at all so Batman felt pretty sheepish by the end of the story. Not only did he jump to a conclusion that could have seriously hurt an old man but he also knocked the shit out of his poor mentally disabled son! It truly wasn't one of Batman's better showings. But I'm glad the story was told so we could see one of Batman's rare fails! I mean, ultimately everything turned out okay. But Batman was fucking on the wrong track the entire time and was just lucky that a villain appeared in the lawyer that Batman could take out.

Justice League America #79 (Late August 1993)

"These don't look like The Extremists." "Oh, they're the NEW Extremists. They don't look so tough." "OH! They're deadly! Now I'm hooked!"

I don't know who any of these Deadly New Extremists are but historically super villain groups love to recruit one-to-one match-ups for existing super hero teams. My evidence that this is happening here is how every character is fighting one other character and also that Dreamslayer and Bloodwynd are not depicted, meaning the two magick guys are off fighting each other because that's a good match-up. Based on that huge assumption, I'm going to guess the powers and names of the New Deadly Extremists!

First off, the guy battling Guy Gardner. Guy Gardner's super power is to make constructs out of light, or light constructs. So I bet this guy makes heavy constructs out of solids! Like that big duffel bag gun he's carrying. His super name is Gym Break-in. Because breaking into something is the opposite of guarding something. And Jim is a first name like Guy but the play on words is that he works out with really heavy equipment, like the constructs he makes!

The big galoot battling Wonder Woman must be the opposite of a wonder and the opposite of a woman. Something like Mundane Man would be getting us on the right track. But let's go a little further. If he's a regular, boring, non-wondrous man, that means he's probably a chauvinistic bore. His name is probably Toxic Masculinity. Wonder Woman doesn't look tough but she's super powerful so Toxic Masculinity must be super weak since he looks so tough. That's a super power because once Wonder Woman beats his ass, he cries out how feminism has destroyed heterosexual relationships, gaining the pity of any pawns of the patriarchy standing around nearby (or sitting over their keyboards putting their credit card information into X so they can jerk off to the number of views they have on every boring post but no other engagement at all. Then they hide the Blue Checkmark so they don't like Elon's cuck).

The sexy woman about to do the Crane Kick on Maxima has to have powers opposite of Maxima's. I don't know Maxima that well but I think she can manipulate metal and blast people with her mind. This woman has a glowing knife and a bustier. Don't think I'm jumping to conclusions that half-naked sexy women are vacuous imbeciles when I say this woman is probably a vacuous imbecile. That's just the opposite of being able to blast people with thoughts. This woman has no thoughts and thus she can suck people toward her. Then she stabs them with her plastic knife because she can manipulate plastic because that's totally the opposite of metal. Her name is Suckyoubustier. She also loves anal because that's the opposite of constantly trying to suck Superman's dick.

Jay Garrick is super old and runs fast so his nemesis is super young and walks slow. She uses youthful slang and doesn't know anything about World War II. She has gorgeous hair which I'm totally in love with because that's the exact opposite of wearing a pot on your head. Her name is Strip Tease because that's the opposite of getting flashed. You might think the opposite of getting flashed is putting your clothes on really slowly but that's just because you were raised by normal parents in a mediocre educational system that never taught you to really examine how opposites work. Also don't you want to see her get naked really slowly because I can't stop thinking about it now that I thought about it.

The Ray looks like he's fighting some guy who would be named Serpent Dude or Ye Olde Robin Hood. But he's wearing shades which gets us into seeing how he's the opposite of The Ray. He's totally into darkness and being cool instead of lightness and being a huge nerd. The Ray shoots beams or "rays" of light so this guy throws blobs of plasma. His name is The Squirt. I don't know why he wears a chain across his chest. Is that part of being a cool dude?

Here we go! Just a matter of pages before all my speculation is confirmed!

Wonder Woman freaks out because she realizes the team isn't ready for this kind of fight. She just thought they were going to beat the shit out of a bunch of no-power civilians which is why she let that old fogey Jay Garrick come up with the plan. But now the team has to scatter because she doesn't want them fighting on the airstrip and destroying it. Now that's leadership! You know how rare it is for a super hero to be concerned with the property damage that will result in their huge super brawl?! Max Lord must have put stipulations into their contract with the League that each hero is responsible for any property damage they cause and liable for any injuries sustained by onlookers.

Toxic Masculinity, whose name actually turns out to be Brute, meaning I was fucking close enough to score a point on this one, attacks Wonder Woman.

Pretty sure "UUHHH EAT HUHHH!" translates into "Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich."

I don't know what Wonder Woman's "GAAAFFF!" translates into unless I read it backwards and then I'm fucking upset. Wonder Woman! Saying slurs backwards doesn't make them okay!

Jay Garrick battles Strip Tease whose actual name is Death Angel. That makes sense! Even though I pointed out the villains should be the opposite of the heroes, you know that includes villains who have powers which exploit the weaknesses of the hero. So Green Lantern winds up having, as an opposite, the foe Sinestro. Jay Garrick's main weakness is being old so you'd expect he'd have a hard time against a villain who was basically the angel of death. I may have missed the mark on this one but now I'm picturing the angel of death stripping slowly.

You know what? Seeing your wife young again is basically watching a strip tease to an old person. I get another point for this one!

I just realized another reason why Strip Tease would be a great nemesis for Jay Garrick! You can't run fast with a hard-on! This is why I was never good at football on downs after I'd tackled somebody.

Bloodwynd blasts the vampire off of Jay Garrick but then he's blasted into another dimension by Dreamslayer. It can't be the real Dreamslayer because the real Dreamslayer is dead. If it is the real Dreamslayer, I won't write it but I will think this: I hate you, Dan Vado.

Dreamslayer helpfully explains how he "survived" being killed by Silver Sorceress. So I guess I don't hate you, Dan Vado. I just thought maybe I did while I looked at you out of the sides of my eyes. Then after reading Dreamslayer's explanation about how he really is dead and trying to resurrect himself, I was all, "Okay, that explains everything. I now have no problem with him appearing over the airstrip and blasting Bloodwynd because he was actually dead and not really there at all. Totally makes sense."

Oh, I get it! Dreamslayer wants to marry Bloodwynd.

Dreamslayer explains how he was killed but that Silver Sorceress didn't account for life after death. Being that Bloodwynd has now been pulled into The Realm of the Dead (coincidentally it's where Bloodwynd gets his power), I'm surprised he doesn't tell Dreamslayer to shut the fuck up as he goes racing off to find Superman. Or had Superman already returned by August '93? I really didn't pay much attention to all the Reign of the Supermen shit at the time.

The Extremist Guy Gardner winds up fighting is called Gunshot which totally makes sense because he wields a gigantic vibro-axe. He talks more shit than Guy Gardner.

Maxima's rival is called Meanstreak. I guess her theme is dominatrix? She throws psychic knives while having to constantly pull up on her bustier so her boobs don't pop out. I think she's my favorite deadly New Extremist.

The guy Ray matches up with is called Cloudburst. Or Bad Weather. He needs some practice revealing his name.

I get the feeling the Deadly New Extremists have made a few mistakes in their match-ups against the Justice League. A bunch of them are using powers that help to power the Justice League members themselves. So Dreamslayer lives in the Realm of the Dead and uses its power to attack Bloodwynd whose power comes from the Realm of the Dead. Bad Weather/Cloudburst uses lightning to blast The Ray who is master of light which, if you pay close attention, is part of the word "lightning." Meanstreak uses psychic knives on a woman who has mastered psychic powers (and also manipulating metal which *gasp* knives our made out of!). Gunshot talks more shit than Guy Gardner so Guy can't get a word in meaning he can concentrate on making some light constructs that can easily defeat a guy with a terrible name and an axe. Brute is as symbolic a character you can get of the patriarchy and Wonder Woman fucking smashes that shit before seven in the morning daily. And Jay Garrick's prostate hasn't worked for years and some vampiric succubus thinks she's going to tempt him into her poison arms?! I think the deadly New Extremists might be fucked.

See? Marriage. If there's one thing I instantly recognize, it's a twink trying to fuck me. I mean somebody.

Bloodwynd rejects Dreamslayer and he takes it well, pointing out that he usually doesn't take rejection well. Normally he'd burn down the person's flat or end them if he catches them with another man or any of those other John Lennon songs about doing the most vile shit when a woman rejects you. Bloodwynd winds up back on the airstrip while Dreamslayer says, "Ta ta! See you later! Kissies!"

Except for Brute because Wonder Woman didn't need any help beating his ass.

I'd argue Wonder Woman's point about the deadly New Extremists being perfectly suited to battle each Justice League member one on one and, oh yeah, I did already! Maybe Wonder Woman would have lost if that little kid she rescued last issue hadn't run at Brute screaming, "No! No! No! No! No!" It's the only English he knew. Also Brute comes back because he needs to be put down by somebody other than Wonder Woman. Those are the rules! So Maxima takes out Brute, Jay Garrick takes out Gunshot, Wonder Woman takes out Death Angel and Meanstreak, Guy Gardner takes out nobody (although he finishes off Gunshot, I guess), and The Ray takes out Bad Weather/Cloudburst. Oh wait. How did he do that? That was against the rules!

Oh well, the deadly New Extremists were not deadly at all. Dreamslayer teleports them all away after being defeated, leaving the local warlord to face justice at the hands of Justice League America. The United States' news is all, "Justice League America are international heroes!" The rest of the world is probably all, "How soon before they begin imposing American beliefs on the rest of the world?! This is a crisis like none we've ever seen before! Maybe we should get Justice League International to put a stop to this imperialism!"

Justice League America #79 Rating: B. Just a standard, by the book bad guy team versus good guy team. Wonder Woman even takes a moment to explain how it works to readers in that panel I scanned where she's all, "The team was meant to match up to us equally!" It's such a standard trope that I went off on it at the beginning before even opening the stupid comic book! But you know what? I also enjoyed it! I guess there's a reason why this shit is such a common trope. Although I still don't know if The Ray's rival was named Cloudburst or Bad Weather.

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Justice League America #78 (Early August 1993)

Do all women throwing cars look this sexy?

I don't believe I've ever made a woman angry enough to throw a car. Maybe I have and there just weren't any cars close enough to throw. That's probably what happened. Imagine being a man and not believing you've ever made a woman angry enough to throw a car! I probably do it on a daily basis without even trying! Definitely gonna think twice before getting into an argument with a woman in a parking garage.

The issue begins with a plane carrying food and medicine being shot down. One of the pilots says, "I'd hate to dump our load," which are some pretty good last words. They're better than the other guy's last words which are kind of racist. He's all, "Why do we even bother helping these people when the supplies we bring just get stolen by other people and relief workers are murdered because they're animals!" He doesn't say the animals bit but you can tell it was implied, being that I called him racist already. Maybe he wasn't racist but I judged him and, well, that's that. Everything he said after I looked at his smug pilot's face and bright blonde hair and thought, "Racist," can't be read any other way. I'm glad he fucking smashed his face into the side of that mountain. Good riddance!

Due to the violence on the island with the mountains now covered in pilot jelly, the United Nations has asked the Justice League for help securing the island and protecting the civilians from all the warlords trying to secure power by stealing the food and medical supplies being flown in. Guy Gardner seems upset by not only this mission but the time of the meeting, the nationality of the United Nations representative, the temporary recruitment of Jay Garrick, Beetle working on a new suit for Booster, doing the military's job for them, and just about every other thing mentioned in any panel for the first few pages. It seems Dan Vado's version of Guy Gardner is just a whiny, contrarian piece of shit. I won't deny Guy often comes off as whiny or contrarian or a piece of shit, but he often doesn't pull off all three multiple times across only a couple of pages.

Jay Garrick gives the new League a little pep talk, mostly so he can point out he's not just old but experienced as well. That's the line I use at the club every weekend!

Good thing there weren't any cars in the conference room.

Wonder Woman, realizing that the main thing any old man wants is to still feel useful, allows Jay Garrick to come up with the plan to invade, I mean defend, the island in the Indian Ocean. Shouldn't this be a job for Justice League International? I'm not sure why the American version of the team, the one with "America" in the name, probably because they're supposed to be defending America, was pulled for this mission. No wait, I am sure why. Even down a bunch of members, they're more powerful than the European group.

Speaking of being down a few members, readers already knew the team was down Superman, Fire, and Booster Gold. But it seems Black Condor and Agent Liberty have skedaddled as well. That makes sense because neither one belonged on the team. Black Condor didn't want to be a hero and Agent Liberty was a murderer who thought he was a good guy with a gun.

Jay's plan is to split the League into two groups. Blue team consists of Wonder Woman, Guy Gardner, and The Ray. Their mission is to destroy all of the warlords' fighter jets and missile sites. Red Team consists of Maxima, Bloodwynd, and Jay Garrick. Their mission is to secure the airport. That's the extent of his plan. See how simple the plan was? Exactly the type of job you give to the old man to feel useful. Plus the opponents are mostly young men forced to fight for the local warlords, so they surrender quickly when they realize they're outmatched by all the heroes. Finally, an easy win for the Justice League!

At least until the final page.

Justice League America #78 Rating: C-. This issue (which felt like a rejected Suicide Squad script) was 1/2 prologue leading up to the last page encounter with the real villains, The New Extremists, and 1/2 portraying Guy Gardner as a murderous, violent asshole. At one point while fighting basically young men who almost certainly were forced into fighting for the local warlord, Guy says, "If I don't kill something soon, I'm going to die of boredom." Has killing ever been an aspect of Guy's personality? I don't think he would have been chosen as a Green Lantern with murder in his heart. Sure, he loves to rough people up to prove how masculine he is. But craving killing something? Was Dan Vado's portrayal of Guy Gardner the reason I quickly dropped this book after he became the writer? The final issue I own is Part One of a multi-part story about Guy Gardner which speaks to how uninterested I was in Dan Vado shitting all over Guy. I get that writers often have different takes on various characters but isn't keeping them somewhat recognizable the job of the editors? That's my main complaint. My minor squabble is that Maxima never really overdrove anywhere! She just smashed a jeep or two and was all, "Boy, that Jay Garrick is a pretty good warrior for an old as fuck old guy."

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The New Teen Titans Annual #4 (1988)

I read this a few months ago and it left no impression on me. Some guy uses the Titans’ low self-esteem against them and they almost lose because they all pretty much hate themselves. But I think Dick is all, “I’m banging Starfire! I’m fucking DICK GRAYSON, bitches!” and then he saves the day. That’s probably what happens.

I do remember there are a few panels where Donna Troy’s ass is looking smokin’, brah!

The New Teen Titans #44 (June 1988)

Beset by mechanical dogs, Changeling chooses the form of a bird as opposed to something helpful, like an elephant or a hippo or a gorilla.

The Titans get beaten by mechanical dogs, they fail to save a British spy, they drive on the wrong side of the road, and they accept congratulations of a job well done after fucking up the entire thing. The New Teen Titans are the worst.

In this issue, we meet Danny Chase's mom. Probably because, like every other family member of every single Titan, she's going to be a major foe of the Titans soon. Maybe she's Wildebeest?

Danny Chase's mom is more annoying than Danny Chase.


Let the British artist draw Dick driving in North Dakota, they said. What could go wrong, they said! "They" are the stupid fucking editors who didn't catch this gaff.

These panels sum up the previous 43 issues better than all of my reviews combined:

Typical of The New Teen Titans of the '80s. Survive through blind luck, allow some non-Titan to die, and return the secret government information to the government like the government tools they are. Jerkos.

Number of Issues In Which The Titans Act Competently: 6 out of 44.