Grant probably pitched "The Human Pubic Louse" and DC nixed it immediately.
The Cover
Stelfreeze tends to draw Batman a bit too glossy with way too many muscles and a smaller pee-pee than most artists (especially Simon Bisley). His covers are like a studio recording by a way-too-hands-on producer of a garage band that made it big with raw demos based on Satan worship. It's just too polished, man. Where's the blood and feces soaked front row audience? Also, I don't know what notes Brian received for this cover. "Batman has been reduced to the size of a flea so he decides to research fleas being that he's the size of one but isn't actually one. While researching fleas for no actual reason, somebody attempts to swat him and Batman raises his arms to defend himself. Or maybe Batman's casting a spell?" At a glance, this cover's great. I love it. I'm like, "Oh yeah! I'm all in on this comic book! Let's get to it!" But if I stop to look too closely, I begin to hate so many things about it. But mostly I hate the way my mind has convinced me that Batman's packing a razor sharp penis in that super tight underwear. Also the lack of Satan worship.
The Story
I'm about 900 pages into Mark Z. Danielewski's Tom's Crossing and it reminds me of Jordan Peele's Nope in that he seems to be defying critical expectations. We're a long way away from House of Leaves just as Nope was miles away from Get Out. Just as Jordan Peele decided to make a horror movie that wasn't explicitly about race relations in America, Danielewski seems to have decided to write a book that wasn't explicitly postmodern. Although a chicken's got to chicken (I grew up in the city so "chicken" is the only way I know how to explain what a chicken does). Obviously Nope had racial undercurrents, seen most effectually in the way non-white actors were seen by Hollywood, but the main horror of the aliens wasn't a metaphor. I don't think. Anyway, Danielewski's book is doing some weird fucking shit that's obviously right up his alley but it doesn't express itself as heftily as one might imagine. On the most shallowest of examinations, it's as if he's M. Night Shyamalan deciding to release a movie without a twist ending. Except, of course, it's not that at all and I should retract everything I've just written because Tom's Crossing isn't just a story about horses and freedom and the dead; it's also a story about audiences and how they retell stories and think about them and discuss them throughout their lives. Imprinted on the back cover of the hard-back book is the phrase "No one talks to the dead for free." What Mark's saying is that reading literature (the dead of the statement as most great literature was written by people long gone) does something to you; it changes you. And not just you. It changes every relationship you have. It expands the boundaries of our lives and thrusts us into a wider world, a larger narrative. Whereas Jordan Peele's first few movies were saying, "We need to discuss race in this country if we're going to come to grips with its history," Nope says, "Look, I told you what you need to know to understand this movie. We should be on the same page now." Tom's Crossing says, "I wrote House of Leaves 27 years ago and this is how it lives now: in the minds of its readers, constantly being chewed up and digested and regurgitated among fans. It still lives, growing and changing and remaking those who have read it." Is Nope commentary on Get Out? Is Tom's Crossing commentary on House of Leaves? I don't know! I don't even know if anything I just wrote makes sense! That's why I read comic books!
Stelfreeze tends to draw Batman a bit too glossy with way too many muscles and a smaller pee-pee than most artists (especially Simon Bisley). His covers are like a studio recording by a way-too-hands-on producer of a garage band that made it big with raw demos based on Satan worship. It's just too polished, man. Where's the blood and feces soaked front row audience? Also, I don't know what notes Brian received for this cover. "Batman has been reduced to the size of a flea so he decides to research fleas being that he's the size of one but isn't actually one. While researching fleas for no actual reason, somebody attempts to swat him and Batman raises his arms to defend himself. Or maybe Batman's casting a spell?" At a glance, this cover's great. I love it. I'm like, "Oh yeah! I'm all in on this comic book! Let's get to it!" But if I stop to look too closely, I begin to hate so many things about it. But mostly I hate the way my mind has convinced me that Batman's packing a razor sharp penis in that super tight underwear. Also the lack of Satan worship.
The Story
I'm about 900 pages into Mark Z. Danielewski's Tom's Crossing and it reminds me of Jordan Peele's Nope in that he seems to be defying critical expectations. We're a long way away from House of Leaves just as Nope was miles away from Get Out. Just as Jordan Peele decided to make a horror movie that wasn't explicitly about race relations in America, Danielewski seems to have decided to write a book that wasn't explicitly postmodern. Although a chicken's got to chicken (I grew up in the city so "chicken" is the only way I know how to explain what a chicken does). Obviously Nope had racial undercurrents, seen most effectually in the way non-white actors were seen by Hollywood, but the main horror of the aliens wasn't a metaphor. I don't think. Anyway, Danielewski's book is doing some weird fucking shit that's obviously right up his alley but it doesn't express itself as heftily as one might imagine. On the most shallowest of examinations, it's as if he's M. Night Shyamalan deciding to release a movie without a twist ending. Except, of course, it's not that at all and I should retract everything I've just written because Tom's Crossing isn't just a story about horses and freedom and the dead; it's also a story about audiences and how they retell stories and think about them and discuss them throughout their lives. Imprinted on the back cover of the hard-back book is the phrase "No one talks to the dead for free." What Mark's saying is that reading literature (the dead of the statement as most great literature was written by people long gone) does something to you; it changes you. And not just you. It changes every relationship you have. It expands the boundaries of our lives and thrusts us into a wider world, a larger narrative. Whereas Jordan Peele's first few movies were saying, "We need to discuss race in this country if we're going to come to grips with its history," Nope says, "Look, I told you what you need to know to understand this movie. We should be on the same page now." Tom's Crossing says, "I wrote House of Leaves 27 years ago and this is how it lives now: in the minds of its readers, constantly being chewed up and digested and regurgitated among fans. It still lives, growing and changing and remaking those who have read it." Is Nope commentary on Get Out? Is Tom's Crossing commentary on House of Leaves? I don't know! I don't even know if anything I just wrote makes sense! That's why I read comic books!
Alan Grant really can't be bothered to come up with creative names.
Last issue, the owner of the scary haunted castle was named Macabre. This issue begins with a guy with an axe in his head named Kadaver. I guess coming up with the name Zsasz burnt out Alan Grant's imagination for names. To top it off, his first name is Mortimer. You know! Morte? Death! Hmm, is this more clever than I'm giving Grant credit for? (Also, did Grant even come up with this character?!) Of course the big twist here is that Mort Kadaver isn't actually a cadaver; he's faking the whole axe in the head incident. He and his buddy, Jan Bodie (a Lennie Small type), have concocted this great prank to allow them to escape from prison disguised as a doctor and his patient. It works easily enough since Blackgate apparently only has one guard between the prison hospital and the exit. It's not long (four pages) before they're on the road in a prison van and speeding off to freedom. But they have nothing to do with The Human Flea. That's a whole second story happening in this issue. Two stories in one issue?! It doesn't seem plausible! Oh, that's because it isn't. "The Human Flea" is a two issue story!
Oh? Have people been hearing about this gross piece of shit? Is he the next big thing in Gotham villainy?
Sorry I'm being so judgmental about this guy's choice of persona but fleas are gross. Not as gross as Ticks but at least they're funny. I guess? God, I wish Alan Grant could have made this guy The Human Pubic Louse.
The Human Flea's weapon of choice is fleas. He just lobs a bunch of fleas at the bar owner and patrons who start screaming about being bit. Oh, come on! Flea bites don't hurt. Do they? If you're suddenly bit by dozens of fleas at once, what would it feel like? Maybe itchy? Like you're being tickled by a feather? I suspect it wouldn't hurt at all. This guy should have thrown a bottle of wasps at them. I get that his gimmick's good for escaping because he leaps at about the same size to distance ratio as an actual flea. But fleas as weapons is just pathetic. And kind of gross.
Batman just happens to be nearby and attempts to stop the Flea in mid-leap. It doesn't go so well for Batman as he's kicked in the chest by the Flea's super strong legs and winds up face planting on the roof of a nearby building. Thanks to the might of, um, resilin, The Flea manages to accelerate away too fast for Batman to follow. I'm not doing any extra research on "resilin"; I'm just taking The Flea's word that it's as super powerful and amazing as he keeps saying it is. If I was into doing research, I wouldn't be reading comic books. It's bad enough that I have to keep checking a dictionary while reading Tom's Crossing because Mark Z. Danielewski needs everybody to know that he's memorized the dictionary like Johnny Truant and Hal Incandenza.
The Human Flea's weapon of choice is fleas. He just lobs a bunch of fleas at the bar owner and patrons who start screaming about being bit. Oh, come on! Flea bites don't hurt. Do they? If you're suddenly bit by dozens of fleas at once, what would it feel like? Maybe itchy? Like you're being tickled by a feather? I suspect it wouldn't hurt at all. This guy should have thrown a bottle of wasps at them. I get that his gimmick's good for escaping because he leaps at about the same size to distance ratio as an actual flea. But fleas as weapons is just pathetic. And kind of gross.
Batman just happens to be nearby and attempts to stop the Flea in mid-leap. It doesn't go so well for Batman as he's kicked in the chest by the Flea's super strong legs and winds up face planting on the roof of a nearby building. Thanks to the might of, um, resilin, The Flea manages to accelerate away too fast for Batman to follow. I'm not doing any extra research on "resilin"; I'm just taking The Flea's word that it's as super powerful and amazing as he keeps saying it is. If I was into doing research, I wouldn't be reading comic books. It's bad enough that I have to keep checking a dictionary while reading Tom's Crossing because Mark Z. Danielewski needs everybody to know that he's memorized the dictionary like Johnny Truant and Hal Incandenza.
I think Stelfreeze based the cover on this panel.
Oh! Remember there's a second story unfolding here! I guess Grant knew a story about a guy dressed as a flea wasn't going to fill much space so he added the story of Mort Cadaver escaping from prison with his forced accomplice Jan Bodie. They've fled to Mort Cadaver's secret lair: the de Vere mausoleum in the middle of a cemetery. Does "Vere" have something to do with "truth", as in "veritas"? I would know for sure if I had a friend who spoke French. But I don't know for sure because online translators, while never being great, have become utter garbage. Just tell me if "vere" means anything in the language I chose! Stop trying to detect other languages! Stop trying to autocomplete entirely new words! Why must every user interface experience assume that the user is a toddler with severe brain damage who's also extremely lazy and needs everything done for them?!
Anyway, here's Mort's office. Cozy!
Commissioner Gordon's truly gobsmacked at the idea of a Gotham villain being called The Human Flea. Did he recently get whacked in the head and forget about all the other villains in the city? Did he forget he works with a man in a bat costume? What's so fucking special about a guy dressing up like a flea?!
After coming to terms with the idea of a human flea, Gordon discusses the prison escapees with Batman. Apparently Kadaver was recently shot by The Penguin and discovered to have an inoperable brain tumor. He'll be dying any day. Gordon can't understand why a dying man would escape prison instead of spending his last awful shitty days behind bars. Um, is Gordon okay? How come he suddenly doesn't fucking understand anything about reality? A dying man wants to be free to die on his own terms? Shocking! A criminal dressing up as an insect? Unheard of!
Batman decides to let the cops handle Kadaver for now as he heads off to research The Flea.
After coming to terms with the idea of a human flea, Gordon discusses the prison escapees with Batman. Apparently Kadaver was recently shot by The Penguin and discovered to have an inoperable brain tumor. He'll be dying any day. Gordon can't understand why a dying man would escape prison instead of spending his last awful shitty days behind bars. Um, is Gordon okay? How come he suddenly doesn't fucking understand anything about reality? A dying man wants to be free to die on his own terms? Shocking! A criminal dressing up as an insect? Unheard of!
Batman decides to let the cops handle Kadaver for now as he heads off to research The Flea.
So to be The Flea, he must know everything there is to know about them? Was Batman an expert on bats when he donned the costume? What about Robin?
Being that The Flea's using technology to allow him to leap all over the place, I'd guess an engineer would be a more likely culprit than a flea expert. It's not like you have to be a flea expert to gather fleas to throw at people you want to rob. You just have to be a filthy, disgusting person! In my mind, I keep replacing "flea" with "pubic louse" to make the story more entertaining. "The pubic louse isn't exactly bathed in glamour!" You're not kidding, Batman!
Also the main culprit on Batman's list is the owner of a Pubic Louse Circus. The main stage is a pudendum!
Meanwhile Kadaver begins preparations for his big death scene.
Also the main culprit on Batman's list is the owner of a Pubic Louse Circus. The main stage is a pudendum!
Meanwhile Kadaver begins preparations for his big death scene.
Was Kadaver the star of Dragonball Z?
Mort escaped with Jan Bodie because Jan Bodie was arrested for protesting for animal rights. That means he knows people who will be willing to break into a lab where they do experiments on animals without having to tell them his real plan of releasing a deadly plague across the city. And that, my friends, is why these two stories are being told together. Because fleas spread deadly diseases! So if Mort has got to die, so does everybody else in the world. It's a pretty logical psychosis, if you ask me. Why should history have any kind of continuity post me? Doesn't seem fair, really. I'm already angry that so much stuff happened before I existed. Seems rude when you get right down to it.
Batman investigates the owner of the flea circus and decides he can't be the flea because he's old and fat. But he sure does seem to be lying, thinks Batman as he swings away itching all over. The owner goes in the back room where his grandson is sleeping off his crime spree and yells at him to stop being The Flea or else Batman is going to fucking break all of the bones in their bodies. The grandson is all, "Oh, yeah, okay. Sure, grand dad. Just trying to help pay the bills around here seeing as how nobody fucking gives a shit about flea circuses, you old dope!"
There's still one more issue to go so I'm guessing the grandson will have to don the costume at least one more time. Maybe to help save Gotham from Kadaver's plague! Batman's going to need a flea expert to stop the spread of the disease. For, um, some reason. I mean, I guess it makes sense if you're a comic book.
The Ranking
I only have two serious problems with this story: 1. Batman believing that a guy dressing like a flea needs to actually know or be obsessed with fleas. Not all of his rogue's gallery have to be obsessive about shit. 2. No Satan worship. Parts come close, like how Kadaver's lair is a mausoleum and he's got the corpses uninterred and stacked up like his own private audience. But he doesn't cast any dark spells or perform any black masses or sacrifice any babies. It's probably unfair that I'm judging this comic and not every comic I've ever read for not being about Satanic worship but that's life, right? Sometimes you come so close to Satanism that you remind me it's a thing and then I'm disappointed that you didn't embrace that thing that you had no intention of embracing. But the mere reminder of its existence doomed you to fail in my eyes when I suddenly realized I wanted this to be about Satan worship. Sorry but I'm just as petty as every other person on the Internet who can't accept anything for what it is and judges it on what they thought it should be. We're all such fucking idiots who can't suffer whimsy or joy! I blame Republicans! Which, sure, isn't a surprise since they're vile and disgusting. Plus putrid. Also bloodthirsty. Did I say repugnant? Also smelly.
Batman investigates the owner of the flea circus and decides he can't be the flea because he's old and fat. But he sure does seem to be lying, thinks Batman as he swings away itching all over. The owner goes in the back room where his grandson is sleeping off his crime spree and yells at him to stop being The Flea or else Batman is going to fucking break all of the bones in their bodies. The grandson is all, "Oh, yeah, okay. Sure, grand dad. Just trying to help pay the bills around here seeing as how nobody fucking gives a shit about flea circuses, you old dope!"
There's still one more issue to go so I'm guessing the grandson will have to don the costume at least one more time. Maybe to help save Gotham from Kadaver's plague! Batman's going to need a flea expert to stop the spread of the disease. For, um, some reason. I mean, I guess it makes sense if you're a comic book.
The Ranking
I only have two serious problems with this story: 1. Batman believing that a guy dressing like a flea needs to actually know or be obsessed with fleas. Not all of his rogue's gallery have to be obsessive about shit. 2. No Satan worship. Parts come close, like how Kadaver's lair is a mausoleum and he's got the corpses uninterred and stacked up like his own private audience. But he doesn't cast any dark spells or perform any black masses or sacrifice any babies. It's probably unfair that I'm judging this comic and not every comic I've ever read for not being about Satanic worship but that's life, right? Sometimes you come so close to Satanism that you remind me it's a thing and then I'm disappointed that you didn't embrace that thing that you had no intention of embracing. But the mere reminder of its existence doomed you to fail in my eyes when I suddenly realized I wanted this to be about Satan worship. Sorry but I'm just as petty as every other person on the Internet who can't accept anything for what it is and judges it on what they thought it should be. We're all such fucking idiots who can't suffer whimsy or joy! I blame Republicans! Which, sure, isn't a surprise since they're vile and disgusting. Plus putrid. Also bloodthirsty. Did I say repugnant? Also smelly.
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