Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Action Comics Annual #4 (July 1992)

I'm sure Superman's mouth is full of milk and not Billy Batson's spunk.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Action Comics Annual #4 (July 1992)
By Dan Vado, Chris Wozniak, Karl Altstaetter, Karl Kesel, Trevor Scott, Steve Mitchell, Albert De Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Dan Thorsland and Mike Carlin

The Cover
Being an art critic is so far beyond my capabilities that I'm completely stymied by the color palette. I guess there's an abundance of purple to indicate the Eclipso possession. But why the lime green background? Maybe they're fighting in a jelly mold? I do appreciate how Superman's muscles were drawn thick with sexy veins while Billy Batson retains his "I'm from a totally different comic book company universe and actually a child in a thick, veiny man's body" flat, clear, animation-style facial features. At least the sticky white residue in Superman's mouth has kept me from pondering how he's been Eclipsed being that he's full of sunlight and Eclipso's one weakness is sunlight and also he's full of somebody's semen. Not Billy's because that would be too wrong to even consider. I guess Superman's possession was pre-explained earlier when Eclipso pointed out how his power is magical in nature and we all know how susceptible Superman is to magic for some reason. Maybe they didn't have magic on Krypton? Man. Imagine a world without close-up magicians approaching your table during dinner? What a dream!

The Story So Far
A bunch of loser super heroes have been Eclipsed because they're losers. Yes, I know Wally West was Eclipsed. The king of losers. I didn't even like Barry Allen but Wally? What a piece of shit. All of you assholes who just love Wally West to death are fucking wrong. I mean, sure, I never read Flash so it's possible I'm wrong. Not likely but possible! I only know Wally West from Justice League Europe and that guy was a fucking idiotic sex pest who shouldn't have been allowed around women. The fact Power Girl never ripped his balls off is testament to how much power the Comics Code Authority had.

Also some people have started to go missing without being Eclipsed and we have to assume that Bruce Gordon has gone Ozymandias style. Bruce Gordon is missing and so is Blue Beetle. My guess is he's grabbing up all the heroes capable of making a gigantic fake sun to shine into the crater on the moon since the real sun isn't cutting the mustard. Stupid sun. Can't even shine into a fucking crater on the side of the moon that bare asses itself to it at least once a month. I don't know how space works so I'm assuming that's how often that happens.

The Story
Since Bruce, Mona, and Blue Beetle are all missing or Eclipsed, Superman and Fire's butt have gone to recruit Mona's dad for some reason. I guess he's also a solar scientist? Is that how Bruce and Mona met? Do I even care?

Even Mona's dad doesn't give a shit and it's his world that's in danger.

Every time I type "Mona's dad", I can't help thinking "Anna Madrigal". Stupid brain! You're a man and a girl!

Superman decides to leave this man alone which is great because who the fuck is he? Why is he suddenly a character in this story?! I barely know why Mona and Bruce Gordon are in this story let alone Anna Madrigal! I mean Mona's dad! Does he piss sunshine? Does he fart solar radiation? One fact about him: he's clinically depressed. At first I thought Booster was just exaggerating but Chris Wozniak made sure to draw a bottle of pills in the background of one panel. Plus that shot of him lying in bed with his knee up and his arm thrown over his face? Classic depression pose!

Booster talks like a eugenicist and Booster is from DC's future so, um, guess what, everybody? The racists apparently won!

I don't know if Booster means "them" as in academics or as in people with no powers or what but since Booster Gold is a working class guy whose whole schtick is based on stealing his gear, I suspect it's both? He's what rich racist elite Republicans would call a "real American". Which totally explains why he's also a sexist creep (as seen in the Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Justice League America Annual and pretty much every other Justice League America issue).

Superman's plan to save Mona and the people of Crater Bay (who were all Eclipsed in whatever series the last Superman annual was in. Man of Steel? Superman? Adventures of Superman?) is to give himself to Eclipso in exchange for freeing the regular people who always let Booster Gold down. Then it's up to the Justice League to stop Superman from doing whatever Eclipso wants to do with him. It seems like a bad plan in a number of ways but the worst way is that Superman must not remember the current roster of Justice League America. Who the fuck's going to stop him? Ice? Fire? Bloodwynd? Blue Beetle? Booster Gold? Doesn't he remember these are the people who couldn't even stop Doomsday from killing him? Oh wait. I guess he hasn't learned that lesson yet.

Obviously the plan would be to call Batman and borrow his Kryptonite. But since that plan is too obviously obvious, I guess they'll drag Billy Batson out of class and remind him that he's an alternate member of the League.

Did Wozniak model this shot of Superman off the Thanksgiving Day Parade float of Supes?

I'm never going to get through a full annual if I keep scrutinizing every panel but I'm glad I am because I just noticed this tiny figure of Booster Gold in the background. You know how Booster Gold usually has no indication of genitalia? Well, well, my friends. Discover the truth!

Booster Gold has a massive schlong.

Booster Gold, Fire, and Ice decide they'd better find a way to defeat Superman before he gets himself Eclipsed for the good of a few dozen yokels (and Mona). Clark's an idiot! He might be able to negotiate a deal to save a few people for a little while. But at what cost? No, his best bet is to stay unEclipsed and help Crater Bay by defeating Eclipso. Why's he acting so dumb?!

Look, that was a rhetorical question. I know why he's acting so dumb: Dan Vado is writing this.

We, the readers, being smarter than Booster Gold, Fire, and Ice combined, know that they should contact Batman and get his help. Instead, they decide to ask Hairy Lex Luthor for some advice. He and his team have developed a Solar Trap based on Bruce Gordon's solar work. But he's not sure it will work because, um, Dan Vado is writing this, I guess? Is this the the short period of time when Lex Luthor was trying to act humble because he was supposed to be his own Australian son and he didn't want anybody realizing it by whipping out his brain-dick every time he was asked to help solve a problem? Now he's all, "Man, having hair really mellows a guy out! I'm barely angry anymore! Chicks want to fuck me and I can finally masturbate again without fear that my bionic hand will rip my manhood off!" I suppose Angry Lex could have built a solar trap that definitely works but Angry Lex was also always stressed out and screaming at people. Chill Lex can barely fucking care because he's thinking about all the puss that's going to be on his face later.

Ice contacted my dick. Did that joke work? Did it make sense? Fuck it, I'm with Chill Lex now. Who cares if shit works when you've got puss on your face!

And what I mean by puss on my face is, um, cookie crumbs. They're fucking everywhere! I probably shouldn't have learned to eat cookies from Cookie Monster.

Night falls on Crater Bay and Superman heads over to throw his (and everybody on Earth's) life away. Superman doesn't even make sure Eclipso lets the hostages go before he picks up the Black Diamond and tries to get angry. What the fuck? The whole point is to save people? Why would Eclipso let them go if Superman becomes Eclipsed first? Like I said, Clark's an idiot.

It's possible Superman's learned enough about the Black Diamond to get mad at Eclipso so that when he turns, he'll have to beat the shit out of Eclipso before Eclipso can manipulate him. But probably not because I've still got a whole pile of The Darkness Within annuals to get through. And the last Superman one has Superman Eclipsed on the cover fighting Guy Gardner and Lobo at the same time. I know! I came directly into my pants when I saw that!

Superman becomes Eclipsed but we never find out what made him so angry because Eclipso just starts manipulating him immediately. Did Dan Vado not read his editorial notes for the story? It's probably because . . . no, no. You know what? Dan Vado founded the Alternative Press Expo so I'm going to give him a free pass on this. It was probably editorial's fault anyway. I'm sure Vado was all, "Yeah but in all the other stories, the character had to enact vengeance on the thing that made them mad before Eclipso could properly control them?" And Editorial was all, "Shut up, Dan Vado. Did you read the Flash Annual? He didn't enact vengeance on anybody, did he?" And Dan Vado was all, "I don't know because I didn't read it. It hasn't been published yet. Nobody sent me the script." And Editorial was all, "You think you're so smart, don't you, Dan Vado? Well just make Superman angry and Eclipsed and we'll worry about any inconsistencies!"

Also, I'm only on page 17 so any "inconsistencies" will probably be explained away and I'll feel stupid for making this stink. Anyway, did I mention that even though Chris Wozniak has been drawing a fucking awful Superman, he does a cute Ice?

You know I think she's cute because I bypassed a dozen panels of Fire's ass to scan this panel.

It's possible Ice is cute here because the inker has changed between the terrible Superman panels and this panel. It's hard to tell because what the fuck do I know about how an inker's style changes a penciller's style?! I told you right at the beginning that I'm not an art critic! Besides, there are like eighteen inkers credited for this thing!

Meanwhile, during a scene that I'm positive was going to end in Lex Luthor and Professor Emil Hamilton fucking, Bruce Gordon's Ozymandias Plan claims two more victims. You know, the two who were definitely about to fuck: Emil and Lex.

Back in Crater Bay, Captain Marvel arrives to scold Superman and also hit him a lot. "Hey man! Golly Gee Whiz, dude! Why you being so gosh-darned mean?" They beat each other senseless for many, many pages. Neither one seems to have the upper hand even if Captain Marvel's power stems from magic and, well, that's Superman's main weakness! I guess the magic that makes Billy strong and invincible doesn't mean the strength itself is magical. At one point during the fight, I'm convinced that Captain Marvel is just Martian Manhunter disguised as Captain Marvel because, um, why would fire hurt Captain Marvel?

Is he just pretending the flames hurt so the reader feels a little bit of drama and tension during this pretty spectacularly boring battle?

The only reason I knew this couldn't be Martian Manhunter is because Martian Manhunter is pretending to be Bloodwynd right now. He's too busy to pretend to be other people.

By page 35, I begin wishing instead of discussing the story, I just went through and scanned pictures of Ice and Fire's asses. Because, oh boy, are there a lot of panels highlighting them!

I've got a pretty good idea for a coffee table book!

Yeah. I stopped caring about the story and just began scanning butts. Fucking sue me.

The Ranking!
Luthor and Hamilton's solar trap works but overheats almost immediately. So everybody in Crater Bay is saved but Superman manages to get away. And Mona is nowhere to be found. On the plus side, did you see all of those butts? I'm sure there's a moon joke to be made here but I'm way too horny to think of it. I think I just figured out what's in Superman's mouth on the cover. It's my own dried semen from 34 years ago!

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #15 (August 1993)

The design team decided Baby Diarrhea Green would be too off-putting. So they went with Baby Diarrhea Yellowish-Brown.

The Cover
I don't think I have any comments left in the tank for the technical proficiency of Brian Stelfreeze's painted covers. We get it. You can paint shiny abs and thighs. What most upsets me about this cover is how it doesn't relate to the first part of the story at all. Does it? Am I missing something? Did the brain damage I must have received as a child (which also caused me to forget that I was brain damaged) make me unable to understand the theme of the previous story? Was there a Hell and/or hors d'oeuvre theme that I didn't catch? How hard do you have to be hit in the head, and by what object, to cause you, later in life, to not understand simple plot developments in a fucking comic book? Also, in case that symptom is too vague to diagnose my issue, what injury also causes somebody to be able to spell "diarrhea" without looking it up but can never remember how to spell "hors d'oeuvre"? Can a doctor who reads my blog get back to me on this? I understand that by reading this blog it means you'll be a pretty average doctor who probably really only deals with feet. But I'll take the medical diagnosis anyway! Thanks!

The Story So Far
Batman has not pissed off a devil or a chef or a 17th Century witch-hunter so I'm not sure this issue continues the story from last time. The only reason I'm going to assume it does is that it says, right on the cover, "Gotham Freaks, Part Two". In that story that doesn't involve Batman battling a giant hungry for S'mores, Batman was patrolling the Black neighborhood in Gotham when he saw a white guy out after dark and thought, "He must be robbing bars because there's no other reason for him to be here at night!" If you're thinking Batman is racist because he profiled a white man, you're wrong. He's racist because he was patrolling the Black neighborhood. He followed the possible thief (who was the actual thief because he's The Fucking Dark Goddamned Knight Detective, you dumb bitch) to the Gotham Fun Fair where he immediately accused all of the Freaks of being criminals. Gina, the hot G-word Lady who runs the Freak Show, ran Batman off because she knew that her boyfriend who recently escaped prison was actually stealing from the bars and she was hiding him in her vardo. Batman, knowing his stuff and not trusting the woman (not because she was Romani but because she was so defensive and obviously lying and also a little bit because her ass was chef's kiss), decided to go undercover at the Gotham Fun Fair to catch the petty thief. Yeah, I know, Batman's wasting all of his time and resources to catch a guy who had been robbing bars. Who fucking cares?! It's not like at eight years old, Bruce Wayne's bar was once robbed. He really should leave this kind of shit to the police. Anyway, he discovered Gina's secret but she once again drove him off using the law which made Batman go, "How the fuck does a woman with that nice of an ass know so much about the law?" Did I say Batman was racist earlier? I meant he's racist and sexist.

Also, Bruce wants to fuck Gina.

The Story
Batman does some investigating but in plain clothes because if he gets caught as Batman, Gina will have him arrested for trespassing, breaking & entering, harassment, stalking, and threatening her with violence. Although if he gets caught snooping around as Bruce Wayne, wouldn't that be worse? He should at least be wearing his Matches Malone disguise!

While snooping, Batman discovers that the Gotham Fun Fair is 50 thousand dollars in debt and Gina's about to lose it to foreclosure. Also, Gina and Mike, the prison escapee boyfriend who's been robbing bars, had a double act where they would hypnotize audience members. Bruce didn't recognize Mike earlier even when Mike opened his huge stupid mouth and told Batman that Batman had apprehended him years earlier, but Bruce recognizes him in old photos because of a gem he's wearing in the act.

Well you can't not do crimes with a magic rock like that while living in Gotham!

Batman finally remembers this Mike character: Mirage! A character nobody but Alan Grant probably remembered in 1993! Other than Alan Moore and Grant Morrison, I mean. An old foe like this appearing makes me think I need to resurrect my Who's Who posts from my time on tumblr! Because I definitely have plenty of free time to shoehorn that in along with all the other stupid shit I'm doing! I can probably pet my cat less, right?

Discovering the thief is Mirage, a man who can make people see illusions with the power of his magic gem eye contacts, Batman knows where he's hiding: the freak show! Hmm. Either Batman's detective skills and instincts are far better than I realized or he just really fucking hates people with disabilities.

Spray him with mace! Beat his criminal ass!

Look, we all knew Texas was somehow involved as soon as he was introduced as a "new member" of the Freak Show. What a perfect disguise, right? A guy with no limbs robbing bars? Preposterous! Although in Tod Browning's movie, I'm pretty sure the guy with no arms and no legs knifes a guy.

Mike stops the illusion and all of his freak friends discover he's not one of us. Meaning he's one of Them! They'll no longer help harbor his ass on their turf. Mike flees, leaving Batman trapped in an illusion of being strangled. But the freaks (and Gina!), recognizing Batman is more one of us than Mike ever was, help break the illusion and set him free. Instead of rushing directly after Mike, he takes a few panels to scold Gina for harboring a felon. Justice!

Or should I say "just ass"? No? Whatever. You just don't appreciate hot comic book asses. Not like me and Dwarf Dave!

Batman gives chase and winds up in an illusion of Hell. So the cover makes sense. So what? I was wrong to criticize it? Fucking sue me. I don't care!

Oh, also Batman catches the guy and sends him off with the cops without ripping his contacts out. So, you know, he's going to escape while the cops wind up in a massive orgy back at the precinct. And just like so many other endings where Batman solves a crime where the money from the crimes was going to help regular people, Bruce Wayne buys up the Gotham Fun Fair to make sure the freaks don't try to fit into normal society. So typical of a rich guy. He could have just paid to bail out the Gotham Fun Fair with an anonymous donation. But instead he buys it for himself. Bastard.

The Ranking
Well that's it for my Batman comic books! I highly doubt I own any older comics starring Batman that aren't ensemble casts. Sure, I have tons of The New 52 Batman comic books. But I've already done reviews on those. I'm not going to re-read anything I already wrote about! What a waste of my not-very-precious-at-all time! I'd like to thank Alan Grant (if he can read this from Hell (or heaven, I suppose!)) for some pretty decent Batman stories, most of which ran only one or two issues at most. I don't think that's possible these days! It's definitely not editorially possible since editorial demands six issue stories so they can be collected and more money can be made from them. Although why they can't collect a bunch of shorter stories, I don't know. It's not like I know how to run a business! I mean, yeah, sure. I own my own business. But I never said I know how to run it!

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #14 (July 1993)

Was DC contractually obligated to do a story called "Freaks" once a year? If so, to who?! Tod Browning?

Once again, Brian Stelfreeze manages to capture Batman's expression at the exact moment he shit cums. If I could give a standing ovation over the Internet, I wouldn't do it because I'm lazy. That expresses how much I appreciate Stelfreeze's ability though, right? While I'm still sitting? Good.

The issue begins with Batman investigating a crime. Several bars were robbed in a concentrated area in Gotham (probably an are of the town that Batman's been ignoring so that real estate prices drop from the crime so Bruce Wayne can purchase all the property cheaply before Batman begins patrolling there again). As he thinks about the case, he puts on display his master detective and/or Graduate English Lit skills.

Only a reader of Derrida, Lacan, and Foucault would understand how "nondescript white male" and "Invisible Man" are precisely the same thing. In America, I mean.

Why does Batman look so smug and satisfied in that panel? He must be thinking how clever it was to equate a nondescript white male to the Invisible Man, especially while thinking about how the image was used for reverse effect by Ralph Ellison. Also, can using the eraser on the image to create glare be any more obvious here? It looks like I did it myself just now!

Dammit. Now my brain wants me to find an eraser and see what it would look like if I used it on this comic book. Bad brain! Stop being even dumber and more chaotic than usual! I need to shove some opiates into it to calm it down.

Batman begins stopping and frisking nondescript white males. Since this story is called "Gotham Freaks", my guess is that the nondescript white male is going to have a really fucking horrendously descript twin coming out of his belly.

Batman only encounters one nondescript white male while patrolling because, as Batman acknowledges, "they stick out like a sore thumb" in that part of town. Oh? What part of town are you patrolling, Batman? Hmm. Why do white men stick out there? Hunh? Explain yourself, you gentrifying racist billionaire!

Idiot! Don't give Batman clues as to your identity while you kick him in the chin!

Batman chases this guy down to the "fun fair". It's a place called "Gotham Fun Fair". It's a carnival or a theme park. Probably run by The Joker. When I think of a "fun fair", I think of some shitty little elementary school charity fiasco where they raise money by setting up stupid games, do Cake Walks, and send a metric ton of goldfish to their doom. The "Gotham Fun Fair" has a Ferris wheel and a roller coaster so I'm pretty sure it's more like a boardwalk, especially since it's on Gotham Bay. It also has an old-fashioned freak show where people say words that the kids today would rather throw themselves off of a cliff than ever say out loud.

I hope there aren't any gypsies on display!

Just so you know: I didn't type that word! I copied and pasted it from a racist government account on Twitter! I didn't even think it! I thought "the g-word" the entire time! So get off my fucking back!

The stupid M-word is offended by the guy calling him stupid but not because he called him stupid! It's because he called him a stupid M-word when he's actually a stupid D-word! Wait. I can say dwarf, right? Back in 1992, nobody cared about respecting what a little person wanted to be called because they were too busy debating the differences between a "midget" and a "dwarf". Seriously. I'm not being facetious. That was like a huge debate when adults got together over wine for more than an hour. Once people ran out of things to talk about, 100% of them would suddenly be all, "What's the difference between a dwarf and a midget?"

The three men hassling the little person threaten physical violence when he outwits them with the insults. But then the tall freak comes out and threatens to beat the shit out of them. Since they don't have an even taller friend to back them up, they skedaddle. That's the law of physical violence. The tallest person is always the strongest. This is where a young person would add "no cap" but I respect myself too much to use the lingo of the new generation. For shizzle.

Batman loses the nondescript white male in the sea of nondescript white males enjoying the fun fair. Being the great detective that I described him as earlier, he decides to go hassle the freaks in the freak show. Surely they're up to no good even if they're very descript white males (and some females).

I don't know why that middle lady is a freak. Because she loves to sit in carbonated water? Who doesn't?!

Imagine if Rob Liefeld had been asked to draw the lady in the tank. You'd definitely have to assume she was a freak for sitting in carbonated water because who would be able to tell Liefeld's deformed feet from his regular old boring feet?

The woman running the freak show, Gina Corolla, looks a little like a G-word so I'd like to move on quickly before the young people reading this get overly anxious about practically nothing. She yells at Batman for assuming her employees were criminals and drives him out. Her freak employees defend Batman's actions and she's all, "Yeah, I guess I'm just a little on edge because I'm horny."

"And I can't fuck any of you! Not because you're all weird! HR reasons! Power dynamics! It would be inappropriate!"

Just like the Flea Circus previously, the freak show's been losing money and almost insolvent. Of course it is! Just like the Flea Circus, nobody fucking wants to pay money for this stuff anymore! It's the late 20th Century! We're, if not better people, more apt to get an eyeful of weird shit on the television. And pretty soon the Internet! Nobody ponying up the bucks to see a fucking flea pull a wagon or to see a lady with a little extra skin between her toes. Although she is in a bikini and sitting in a tank of bubbly water. I suppose in 1992, I'd've paid to stare at that.

Just like the Flea Circus owner's grandson was robbing bars to pay for his granddad's debts, it looks like some nondescript white male might be robbing bars to pay for the Freak Show's debts. Come on, Alan Grant! You can't keep telling the same stories by replacing the nouns like some Comic Script Mad Lib! Although I don't actually know if the nondescript white male has been stealing for the Freak Show yet. That's me speculating and assuming again! Making an ass out of you and me and the speculum!

Just like in "The Human Flea", Batman suspects the person he spoke to while investigating the robberies isn't telling him everything they know. So he circles back to keep a close eye on the Gotham Fun Fair and maybe get a little more hassling in on the freaks.

Bruce goes undercover to stake out the Gotham Fun Fair from the inside. He's really staking all his chips on the freaks being behind this rash of robberies. He could patrol the neighborhood where the robberies keep happening and maybe run into the same guy he chased but why do that when he can pretend to be a day laborer and flirt with the hot freak show lady?

As an added perk, he gets to punch a guy just looking for some work right in the face. And his violence pays off!

Batman makes sure to think in one of his narration boxes about how he slipped the guy he punched in the face $100 to make up for it. Just like a rich guy. Thinks money excuses any behavior.

I suspect Bruce doesn't actually care too much about solving this case. I think he heard how horny this hot Gina lady was and decided he's pretty hot and horny as well. Why can't his detective work benefit his penis now and then, you know?

Bruce learns that one of the freaks, the guy with no arms and no legs whom they call Texas, hasn't been with the show long. Also, he's about the right size to fit in the duffel bag of the guy Batman encountered on the street. Also a guy with no arms and no legs is the perfect person to slip into a bar, crawl across the floor, climb the bar with their teeth and tongue and lips, pop open the register with their nose, hoover up all the cash into their mouth, and roll back out again without tripping any alarms. Or maybe he just unlocks the door from the inside after being shoved in a barely open window?

It's also possible that Texas is just Gina's ex-boyfriend with his head sticking out of a box with a fake torso on top. The perfect and not-at-all problematic disguise for a criminal!

Except now I'm just like Batman! Blaming the freaks for the crimes of just another nondescript white male! Because it turns out, Mike, Gina's "boyfriend", just walks into bars when somebody's got the safe open, commands them to give him the money, then makes them forget anything happened. He's got mind powers! No wonder Batman can't remember who he is! Or maybe simply because Batman threw him in jail five years ago and he was just a nobody back then.

Batman notices Gina sneak back to her trailer when the cops arrive to investigate some petty crimes at the Fun Fair. He follows her for one of two reasons. Either he suspects she's working with the bar robber . . .

. . . or he just can't get enough of that ass.

I was pretty sure it was the ass but then if he was following her to get a whiff of that tight caboose, he probably wouldn't be doing shit like this once he caught up to it:

Whelp, he's not getting any of that ass now.

Being an expert knife thrower, Gina manages to stop Batman from chasing down her boyfriend by pinning his cape to a wall. He points out she's just become an accessory to a crime and she's all, "You're trespassing, breaking and entering, assaulting me, threatening me, and you have no proof that anybody stole anything. Get the fuck out of my fun fair." And just like that, Batman slinks away, chastised. Is she Batman's most powerful nemesis?!

The Ranking
What a great story! It was so good the first time I read an Alan Grant story about an obsolete entertainment needing to turn to crime to finance its existence that I was all, "I hope he does another story just like it!" And oh lordy did he! But I didn't realize at the time that what the story was missing was a hot woman in tight pants who was so horny she was in emotional distress! I think I have a new type!

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #10 (March 1993)

Batman discovers a secret ruler of Gotham? More proof Grant invented the Court of Owls idea.

The Cover
Look, I might be wrong about that caption. I haven't read this comic book before. Not "I read it thirty years ago and don't remember it." I have never read this one. I just picked it up at my local comic book store (Excalibur! Hi Debbie! Hi Peter!) for basically cover price. Unless, of course, I already own it and it was stored — for some stupid reason that my brain thought was a good reason decades ago — separately from the other Shadow of the Bat comics. But none of that has anything to do with the cover though so, um, let's start again!

The Cover
Brian Stelfreeze depicts Batman as mostly shadow hovering and/or falling in a twisted Escheresque landscape. This suggests Batman is lost within Gotham which he should never be. He is the master of Gotham and knows every inch of it. So why has he lost a part of himself (lack of color!) and become trapped in this surreal hell without an obvious enemy in sight? It's an interesting and eye-catching cover which Stelfreeze desperately wants us to know was painted.

I don't know art. Did he want this textured result? Or did he forget the painting in the boot of his car over a long, hot day?

The Story
I'm a little bit sick of reading Batman comic books since I've been doing it for about four months now. And yet I went and purchased another stack of them just when I was about to bid a fond farewell to my issues of the Caped Crusader. I'm hating myself a little bit right now. Or a little bit more? It's hard to tell at my age. I've become so comfortably numb with my self-loathing that it's like a second skin. Sometimes I can even convince myself that I don't hate what I've become and actually embrace who I pretend to be. But then I remember that I've been pretending to be so many different people for so long that I'm not sure there ever was a real me at the foundation of it all. Well, if there is, that asshole's going to have to read a few more issues of Batman this month. Get fucked, sucker!

The issue begins with Batman arriving at a castle overlooking Gotham City. The Narrator explains that it took thirty years to build but when were those thirty years? Eighty years ago? Fifty? Thirty years ago so it was just finished which is why this is the first I'm hearing about this castle. I know I'm not a Bat-Scholar and know precious little about the DC Universe so maybe the fucking castle has been there forever. This could be one of those Morrison or Johns things where Alan Grant has dredged up the memory of an old Batman comic he read when he was six about a ghost castle outside of Gotham.

Grant begins the story in media res (as many comics begin but I think he's doing it legitimately and not where they show an action shot on the first page and then restart the story from the beginning) so we're not sure what led Batman to the castle. But Batman hints that a case he's been working on has led him there and he states explicitly why he's come.

To prevent murder!

As we can see, Batman lacks all respect for this thane. Of course he does. This guy doesn't own Gotham. He doesn't know Gotham like Batman knows Gotham. He's just a cheap John trying to purchase a quick thrill from Batman's lady. Well, a thrill that took thirty years so maybe not that quick. But the final act will probably be quick. Stupid men mostly being terrible at sex because they're selfish and they've trained themselves to ejaculate quickly before their mom walks in on them.

Dammit. How did I go from Batman to jerking off? Usually that train derails from that track when I'm discussing Robin. Not because I'm a pedo! Because he's a teenager whacking off all over Wayne Mansion and Alfred has to wash his disgusting sheets and socks and pretend he doesn't seen Robin's DNA all over everything.

Batman climbs onto the roof of the castle to find, as he explicitly states, an Escher-like landscape of stairs and multiple doors. He thinks, "The quickest way in," and then attempts one of the doors. How did he know that particular door was the quickest way in (also it wasn't)? Or does Batman just look at houses and think, "Aha! The quickest way in!" Then he walks in the door and nods knowingly at everybody who tried to get in through the chimney or the window. Although knowing Batman's history, isn't the quickest way in usually the skylight? Oh, that's probably why he went up to the roof! He was going to drop in via skylight! But it's a castle so he was foiled because castles almost never have skylights. Idiot.

After embarrassing himself by trying a false door, Batman gets down to some serious detective work.

Angus Macabre built this castle. He's now having a dinner party that will result in murder at 9:45 PM. Or so Batman believes. Maybe this is one of those House on Haunted Hill situations. You know. Some rich eccentric guy who wants to kill his wife hosts a party and fakes a haunting so a bunch of people are witnesses to how a ghost killed the guy's wife. Is that what happened in that movie? That's how I remember it!

Angus Macabre explains to his guests, in a thick Scottish accent, that they were invited to this party because of some kind of history they have with him. One other person was supposed to be invited as well: Thomas Wayne. But Bruce sent Angus a note saying, "Sorry to tell you but Thomas Wayne was shot in the face with his wife nearly thirty years ago. Regards, Batm--Bruce Wayne." The invitation itself must have alerted Batman to Angus's plan since he seems to suspect that Angus wants to murder everybody invited to the party. Why his father? What did he do to Angus?! I bet Angus was totally into Martha.

Eeek! That's almost as scary as the skeleton from House on Haunted Hill!

Angus Macabre tells a thirty year old tale which answers why they're all here. Thirty years previously, Angus's wife was about to have a baby. But the hospital was full to the brim with train crash victims and they had nobody who could deliver a baby. Thomas Wayne just happened to be nearby and declared he could deliver a baby even though that wasn't his specialty. Along with a nurse and an intern anesthetist, they were able to deliver Angus and his wife's baby.

Gross. I guess they did it wrong.

I guess Angus was upset that his baby was born so hairy and with buck teeth and also because his wife died while delivering it. Even thirty years before 1992, you couldn't just toss a baby in the trash can if it came out ugly after killing your wife. So Angus was now saddled with a disgusting baby and he blamed the doctor Thomas Wayne, the anesthetist Dale King, and the nurse Joan (now married to Dale) from so many years ago. He should have blamed his wife and either his dick or the caveman his wife fucked. Although maybe Batman's wrong? Maybe this dinner party is simply to celebrate his son's 30th birthday and he wants to thank the people who helped bring him into the world? I bet he's grown up to be a terribly disgusting yet successful man. Or a Batman villain!

After receiving the invite, Batman thought it was suspicious so he researched Angus Macabre. He discovered that Angus had tried to sue the city and everybody involved but eventually gave up and decided to build an insane castle instead. Obviously he's intent on revenge then, right? Or, and maybe I'm just an extreme optimist, celebration? This is just a cute little party for his horrid son, right?

At least there's cake.

Batman discovers the kitchen which seemingly hasn't been used for years, except maybe the cake pan and the rat poison. But while Batman investigates, he's ambushed by Lachlan the Monster Baby. I mean Lachlan the Monster Young Man of Thirty!

Another person at the party is some guy named Warren. I didn't mention him because I didn't know how he fit in but it turns out he was the lawyer who told Macabre he should drop his lawsuit because he didn't have a case. Okay, sure, he probably deserves to be killed. But not Dale and Joan! They did all they could and they didn't even throw up when they got a look at the hideous baby! You couldn't ask for more!

The lawyer slips up and says something about how Angus must know the truth which is why he brought them there to kill them. A-ha! So he does deserve to die! But Dale and Joan are just innocent victims who tried their best with 1960s medical technology!

Yes, Lachlan, yes! That is Baaaat-maaaaan!

Batman doesn't exactly beat the shit out of Lachlan but he does throw him to the ground and makes him cry. I'm used to Batman beating up mentally ill people but mentally handicapped people now? Come on, Bruce! Be better!

Apparently Joan and Dale did deserve to be sued for malpractice because they made some kind of deal with the lawyer to get the case dropped. But he's been blackmailing them ever since. Although wouldn't Thomas Wayne bear the brunt of the responsibility? He decided an intern was good enough for the procedure. And what would the nurse have done that went against Wayne's instructions that would cause her to be at fault? And since if anybody is to blame for the death of Macabre's wife it would be Thomas Wayne, then it was surely a tragic accident that could not have been avoided. Because we're not going to sully Thomas Wayne's name here. Are we?!

Batman realizes time is short so he teams up with Lachlan to save the day.

"I know you can't understand that I'm manipulating you to help me throw your father in jail but that's life, kid!"

After Angus winds up in jail for attempted murder, maybe Batman will hire Lachlan to help out Harold in the Batcave?

Batman winds up having to save everybody from the gun wielding lawyer who loses his mind at the thought that Angus might be trying to blackmail them. He learns that Angus was just trying to get everybody involved to show a little compassion for him and his son. Why after thirty years? I don't know. Maybe he ran out of money building the crazy castle for his son to play in and was hoping they'd feel bad for their part in his wife's death and give him a little charity. But in the end, they all just leave feeling a little sadder and maybe a little guilty. But I bet Bruce Wayne sent him a big fat check soon after! Maybe he even offered Lachlan a job for $100,000 a year!

The Ranking
I just love these Alan Grant one shots. I'd forgotten what it's like to read a mainstream comic book that doesn't spread the story out over six issues for future compilation considerations! Just a nice little story about Batman punching a mentally disabled person in the face and then bribing him to take him to his father so he can arrest him on suspicion of murder. Of course, the rat poison kept in the kitchen was actually meant for rats and didn't wind up in the cake at all so Batman felt pretty sheepish by the end of the story. Not only did he jump to a conclusion that could have seriously hurt an old man but he also knocked the shit out of his poor mentally disabled son! It truly wasn't one of Batman's better showings. But I'm glad the story was told so we could see one of Batman's rare fails! I mean, ultimately everything turned out okay. But Batman was fucking on the wrong track the entire time and was just lucky that a villain appeared in the lawyer that Batman could take out.