Batman: Gotham Nights #4 (April 1992)

"One order of doughnut holes coming up!"

The Cover
I always knew Batman was a peeper. Dirty fucking scuzzy peeper. Especially loves peeping people shooting other people. Secret gun lover, that guy. I, who am not a secret gun lover, have no idea if this is how you sight a shotgun. I figured you just sort of it pointed it in approximately the right direction and pulled the trigger. After that, you've probably hit the thing you were aiming at as well as everything else in your field of vision. On a side note, those cupcakes look disgusting. Probably because they're muffins. Gross. Muffins are an affront to the Cupcake God. Fucking waste of time.

The big problem with the cover only reveals itself after reading the issue. Rosemary goes up on the roof of the train station to threaten people with a rifle. Now, I'm not one of those people who needs the comic book cover to depict the actual story inside. I've been reading them for forty years! I know how it works. But am I naïve to think that Eduardo Barreto was just sent a note that read "Cover: Rosemary with a gun"? Maybe that's me just giving the benefit of the doubt to the artist when what I'm certain happened was that Eduardo was sent the script along with that note and, being an artist, he was all, "I'm not fucking reading all that!" That isn't a criticism of the literacy of artists! That's just the reality based on all the fucking artists I'm friends with!

The Story So Far
Don't worry about it. It's not like Rosemary, Jennifer, Jimmy, Dio, Migdalia, Joel, and Emma are going to remain in continuity after this. And Batman's mostly just been on the cover in some form or another.

The Story
This issue is called "Heart of the City" so I'm assuming we're going to learn what makes Gotham tick. It's probably not Batman because he's not really important to this story, remember? I just fucking mentioned that. My guess is we'll learn that violence is the heart of the Gotham City. Or maybe just crime in general. Corruption perhaps? Certainly not hope or love or brotherhood.

Fucking Ostrander's home library probably won a world record for most least interesting books in one place.

Some cities, particularly the ones with the huge Gothic cathedrals, also reflect mankind's sexual frustrations due to religious dogma. But I don't know what that (the Abrams' quote and my nonsense) has to do with this story. My guess is nothing specific. Ostrander just wants to remind the readers that Gotham figures large in the minds of its citizens. The city is shaped by the people and, recursively, shapes the people. And since the heart of the city is violence (according to some genius I read earlier), just about everybody introduced in this story so far has gotten their hands on a gun. Kojak bang bang!

Dio takes his gun and follows his wife around the city hoping that she'll meet with her ex-lover and he can blow up to three people's brains out. Most of his internal monologue revolves around which brains to blow out and in which order. Joel carries his gun to a meeting with his doctor because, well, I don't fucking know. I mean, I know why he does! Ostrander needed another point of tension and drama. But what's his motivation for carrying it to the doctor's appointment, Mr. Ostrander? I get that you want the reader to wonder if he's going to use it against somebody on the streets of Gotham because he's angry and they're rude and he's dying and they're having the times of their lives. Ultimately though, Joel's gun is just a red herring. He never uses and never really has any intention of using it. He's just sad and angry and depressed and afraid for his wife's future. The gun that does matter is the rifle that Rosemary brings to work.

In 1992, nobody was tricked by government propaganda into believing the snitch line "If you see something, say something."

Mamoud, Rosemary's co-worker, just chalks up her bringing a rifle to work as crazy white nonsense. He doesn't say it in so many words but you can tell that's what he went home to tell his friends later. I wish Mamoud was one of the main characters. He seems chill and likeable. Although, if I have to be honest with myself on this occasion, I suppose if Mamoud was the main character, I'd never shut up about how fucking boring the comic book was. "He's just making fucking doughnuts at his stupid job which some idiot stupidly called 'Dounuts'! Why can't he bring a gun to work and start shooting people?!"

Once all the main characters (excepting Rosemary) wind up on the streets outside the train terminal, Rosemary begins shooting from the observation deck. We'll eventually learn that she's not actively trying to hurt anybody and that she's a sharpshooter so nobody was ever in any danger at all. She's just trying to be a threat so that Batman will arrive and she can fuck him. The problem is, Batman has no idea what she's talking about when she calls him Frank and tells him that she loves him too. Batman, being the emotionless monster he is, simply passes her over to Gordon and the other cops after telling her he has no idea what the fuck she's going on about. Does she ever come back as a super villain? "The Dounut!"

Some of the other main characters I haven't mentioned: the taxi, the traffic signal, the car headlight.

During the shooting spree, Jimmy realizes he loves Jennifer. Joel realize he doesn't want to murder/suicide Emma. And Dio just wants to martyr himself for all the other citizens of Gotham because his wife's probably fucking somebody else and his kid probably isn't his. At least that's what he thinks. But he's wrong. Everybody's wrong, actually. I mean, sure, Joel's still dying of cancer. It's all the stuff each character believes that they didn't hear from their doctor that's wrong. Jennifer actually wants a stable relationship even at the risk of being hurt. Jimmy wants to get past his wife's death and try again. Dio is the father of Migdalia's child and Migdalia hasn't been cheating on him at all. She just had a job while he was in prison. And Batman isn't Frank and doesn't love Rosemary. Funny how all of those things could have been worked out through communication instead of guns. Although it was the guns that caused everybody to start communicating so, um, I guess guns are good? They're problem solvers? Is that the moral of this story?

The story ends not with Batman saving anybody (since nobody was actually in any danger anyway) but with Bruce Wayne saving the day with his money! Through Joel's doctor, Bruce heard about an elderly Black couple with money and mortality problems and he decided to offer them both jobs with $100,000 salaries! Could that be the end of every Batman story? He just goes to The Penguin and is all, "How about a job for $100,000 a year?" And then he tells The Riddler, "You can run my new kid's magazine company for $100,000 a year!" And then he hires The Joker for corporate events at $100,000 a year and puts Bane on the Wayne Foundation Wrestling Circuit for $100,000 a year and, well, you see the pattern, right?

The Ranking
Holy shit am I glad this was only four issues because I could not give a fuck about any of these people after two and a half! Except maybe Rosemary. I could read more comics starring Rosemary the Dounut Lady. She might as well be one of Batman's villains seeing as how she's already suffering from mental illness. I hope when I get to John Ostrander's Suicide Squad, it's as interesting as I remember and nothing like this! Not that this was bad. It was a well told story that kept me from thinking about my future non-existence for a good amount of time. It's just that I'm an adult now. I don't want to read a story about a woman who loves to fuck but then not get seven pages of detailed fucking pictures! Hmm, maybe I'd enjoy some Comicsgate comics on Kickstarter? I bet all of their comics are total perv shows! The only problem is I need some good story to my porn and I'm sure Comicsgaters can't fucking tell a story to sell a comic book without a bunch of angry incel fans worked up via slimy YouTube videos with links to their Patreons and Kickstarters.

Batman: Gotham Nights #3 (March 1992)

So much shit happening in Gotham and Batman's gotta hassle Joel and Emma for "sitting on a park bench at night while Black".

The Cover
When I saw this cover, I thought, "Did this inspire Alan Grant to name his series Shadow of the Bat?" Then I looked up the release dates of this issue and Shadow of the Bat #1 because I knew it would be close. This came out about three weeks before Shadow of the Bat #1 So that doesn't make a lot of sense. But Eduardo Barreto may have known about Grant's upcoming series and was all, "Yeah! The shadow of the bat! Iconic, right?!" Of course, the idea that the shadow of Batman is an iconic image that falls across the faces of unsuspecting criminals as they're doing their criming just means that Barreto and Grant didn't need any specific outside influences to come up with their covers and the names of their comic book series, respectively. In other words, I should just delete everything I just wrote since it ultimately comes to naught. Then I should replace it with something like, "Barreto's cover for this issue shows how the people of Gotham do not just live under the constant light of the Bat Signal signifying danger and chaos (or justice and order?) but also under the direct shadow of the man who will pass judgment on them." The Bat Signal from last issue is a light in the dark. It is the hope. It is for the dreams of the people to live in a safe city. Batman's shadow, the swathe of darkness passing across the city, signifies fear and danger. For the criminals, of course! Not for old dying men and their wives wondering where to buy a shotgun in the middle of the night sitting on a park bench.

The Story So Far
The stories of the people we were introduced to in Issue #1 advanced a little in Issue #2, some more than others. Jennifer and Dio had the most plot progression as they engaged in conflict with intimate partners. Jennifer finding out the guy she just met that day who told her how he lied for a living was lying to her. And Dio, a criminal on parole, engaging in more criminal behavior and accusing his wife of infidelity. Noel learned he had six months left to live but, being that he looks like he's eighty, it couldn't have come as too much of a shock. I understand that being given a fairly credible end date to your life must be shocking no matter when it happens. But don't eighty year olds live every day thinking, "Fucking Christ oh my God it could happen at any moment how do I fucking block out the thought holy shit holy shit holy shit"? I've been thinking that way since I was nineteen! And, yes, I know that isn't healthy! Obviously I wish my brain worked differently!

Rosemary's story didn't really advance much either. She had a wet dream about marrying Batman with Lobo in attendance (that's what made it wet) and then cried when she woke up to her normal life. And, finally, we learned Jimmy, Jennifer's not-gay-at-all friend, was wrestling with the demons of a past relationship. It's possible he killed her and Jennifer's fucking lucky she hasn't climbed into bed with that psycho. Maybe hooking up with Ray the Lying Liar was a lucky break!

Batman's story so far? He wasn't anywhere to be seen last issue. But then this comic book isn't about him so what did you expect?!

The Story
This issue is called "Organisms". Why? How the fuck should I know! The majority of my reading consists of pictures with words. You think I'm able to make intuitive leaps of logic based on a word I can barely spell?! It is a weird choice though after "Giants" and "Dreams". Giants purported to describe the people which I'm guessing the "Organisms" is also describing. Sure, "Giants" could have specifically meant the buildings but the quote by Frank Lloyd Wright made it pretty clear Ostrander was talking about the residents of Gotham. And then we learned about the huge dreams of the sleeping giants. Now, in the light of day, everybody is just reduced to the generic "Organisms"? Like rats in a maze? Like amoeba on lice on rats in a maze? Seems like a real drop in stature for the main characters of this book.

Oh look! Batman made the first page! I think. I suppose Alfred could be driving. You know what? Never mind.

There's a famous quote from Tennessee that I think about every time a comic book tries to trick me into believing a whole load of bullpucky: "Fool me once, shame on . . . shame on you. Fool me . . . you can't get fooled again." So very fucking wise.

The point of view follows the Batmobile as it drives home for the night as Ostrander, high as fuck on cough medicine, rambles about who can fucking tell?

This sounds suspiciously like an Ann Nocenti script.

I suspect what Ostrander's trying to say here in a super fancy "Look at the Professional Writer!" way is that the criminal element use their dreams of doing crime to steal the dreams of the people who don't do crime but the "dream hunters" (meaning Batman and the cops) make sure to drive their dreams right into the dirt and shit on them. But then Batman goes home to take a nap and dream about all the cash his cash makes without anybody having to do anything and also of coming on Catwoman's tits.

Ostrander gives birth to a few more Narration Boxes about dreams and the dreamers and dreams that dream and die and more dreams being born before he gets to the point: the dreamers are their dreams; they cannot be separated. After that, we get to see Jennifer in a towel fresh from a shower, as if this were a David Finch or Tony S. Daniels comic book.

Oh, sorry. Not like those perverts at all. Jennifer's actually wearing an appropriate length towel.

Jennifer's shocked to find lady products in Ray the Lying Liar's bathroom because she doesn't understand the concept of having a sister who sometimes visits her brother in the big city. Also Ray admitted that he lies about everything so maybe she should assume the worst: Ray has a vagina! Wait. Is that the worst? I think I misspoke because I'm getting super horny thinking about my new version of this story.

Jennifer acts a bit hurt and grumpy over breakfast because she realizes Ray loves to fuck. But she loves to fuck too! They have that in common! Shouldn't she be excited? Well, no, I guess not. She finds it kind of gross that Ray wined, dined, and fucked her and now he's all, "Casual sex is pretty awesome!" But Jennifer seems kind of down on it for some reason. Ray makes a great point about how he didn't promise anything more than the good time they had and Jennifer throws out a hypothetical situation that if he had promised more it would have been a lie anyway because he confessed to lying all the time so she has a right to be angry because he, theoretically, lied to her.

I'm confused. Maybe they should just fuck again?

I don't understand his point about how Jennifer uses sex to keep people at a distance when having sex with a person means you're closer to them than ever. Have I been doing sex wrong?! Am I supposed to fling my semen at them from across the room? Is the only actual sex I've ever seen that scene in the prison from The Silence of the Lambs?!

If that's how Ray makes sure a one-night stand stays a one-night stand, he's pretty cool. Unless that's just how Jennifer makes sure a one-night stand remains a one-night stand. Then she's pretty cool! Are they both cool? Did they both just use their one-night stand tricks on each other? Was that a successful night for both of them?

At the same time Ray and Jennifer are arguing, Dio and Migdalia, his wife, are arguing as well. Dio comes in the window after being out all night, tells Migdalia to not question his actions, tells her to divorce him, and then leaves by the window. Does the apartment not have a door? How cheap must the rent be there?

Later at the train station where everything important happens, Batman buys a doughnut from the crazy lady and checks out Jennifer's ass.

Okay, so that's not Batman. It's Frank. But Rosemary believes he's Batman.

Jennifer finds Jimmy and cries on his shoulder about how mean the man she fucked the night before was. Jimmy probably doesn't mind because he's still fucking a ghost. Hopefully it's the ghost of a woman he killed and he'll wind up killing Jennifer too. I don't mean "hopefully" in the way you think I do! I don't want Jennifer to get killed. But I do want to read an exciting comic book.

Luckily for me and my need for excitement, Joel gets his hands on a gun so that he and Emma can die as one. Doesn't seem super fair to Emma but if she finds it romantic, who am I to say otherwise? What do I know about romance? I only just realized that I've been doing sex wrong!

Jimmy tells Jennifer about his wife and how she was killed by The Joker's gas. He blames himself because they'd had a fight and he left her on the streets of Gotham. He should blame Batman for never killing The Joker! Jennifer gets super wet over the story and realizes it was Jimmy she's wanted to fuck all along. But Jimmy's kind of pissed at her now and he heads to work without any promise of seeing her later. Her eyes turn into hearts now that Jimmy has told a story where he showed a little passion and also because he sort of shit on her and the way she acted with Ray. She needs to have sex with him now to keep him at a distance so that he can't hurt her!

Dio also gets his hands on a gun because he's got a cheating wife and her lover to kill. And since I've seen the cover to Issue #4, I know Rosemary also winds up with a gun. I guess Issue #4 will just be a wild shootout at the train terminal!

The Ranking
I felt like nothing actually happened this issue but then I guess that's sort of the point of this series, isn't it? Life just goes on in the normal, mundane, boring way that it goes on with little ripples of emotion and passion. In those moments, unseen feelings build, tensions grow, and people get their hands on guns. Then Batman has to save everybody's day after which he shakes his head and crushes the guns in his hands. Then The Joker kills another 3% of the population while Batman shakes his fists and screams, "Why didn't I just save one of those guns?!"

Batman: Gotham Nights #2 (April 1992)

Please let the scene where Jennifer fucks this guy be six pages long.

The Cover
Eduardo Barreto fills this month's cover with signs of doom. The Pearl Necklace indicating the worst night of Batman's life. The Bat Signal signaling a violent night in Gotham. The red balloon about to cause a nuclear war. The admitted liar on the verge of manhandling Jennifer. The sidebar declaring mundane nobodies as the main characters of this series. Okay, that last one wasn't because of Barreto. But it's still an indicator of a bad time. I'll admit that whatever the actual focal point of the cover is (Jennifer's face? The Bat Signal? The lying dude's cowlick?), I can't stop staring at Jennifer rubbing her ass against the guy's stiffening member. If I had been the editor on this series, I would have asked Eduardo to shift the focus down and to the right, maybe even chopping Jenn and her man's head off at the chins.

Once again, the cover's a bit too on this side of realism for me to love it. But I enjoyed it and think it's well done and it almost has nipples. So great job, Ed!

The Story So Far
Batman hunts down a missing child in the background of a story centering six regular citizens of Gotham. One is a guy who loves a girl who loves to fuck but is too shy to admit he wants to fuck her. One is a gal working at a terribly named doughnut shop with a delusion that one of her customers is in love with her and probably Batman. One is a man with six months to live. One is the wife of the man with six months to live whose name is Emma and not Woman, although Ostrander took far too long to put it on paper. One is a man on parole whom Batman's watching carefully, believing he's got something to do with the missing kid. That man is also possibly an alcoholic and a terrible husband and father. Oh yeah, the last one is the woman who loves to fuck (as many women do so it's a weird thing to center her character on except that it allows Ostrander to put her in a precarious situation by wanting to fuck a lying liar scumbag). How all these stories will converge or what they'll say about Gotham in general, I'm not sure. Maybe they'll help save Batman at some point. Maybe they'll just struggle through their problems without Batman ever noticing. Maybe we'll see how even the citizens of Gotham can be heroes and villains on a smaller scale than we normally see. Earlier, before I sat down to read this comic and write about it, I had a thought about the direction this story would take and said to myself, "That's probably it!" But I've forgotten that thought since then because I was concentrating on something else in the forefront of my brain, like making breakfast or jerking off or both. I don't remember!

The Story
Last issue was called "Giants". The idea was based on a Frank Lloyd Wright comment about New York looking like it was built for giants (I guess? I'm trusting Ostrander and not looking it up myself and also that, in the DC Universe, Frank Lloyd Wright was talking about Gotham even though Gotham is in New Jersey. I think) and how the people who live there embraced that idea and think of themselves as giants, as the kind of people strong enough to live in such a scary and chaotic place. So this one is called "Dreams" because, I'm guessing, we'll see the kinds of lives these giants dream of living. I'm sure Ostrander will give us another quote from a famous person to get the ball rolling. Maybe one from Jung?

Or he'll go even more mainstream and choose this old gem we've all heard way too many times to count. It's practically "The Second Coming" it gets quoted so much.

The first thing that came to mind when I read that quote was the feeling the first time someone you've just met puts their hand down the front of your pants. Those are my favorite people to let into my bubble of territoriality. Is there anything better in life? I'm going to say, "Almost certainly not." If I had to forget one great work of literature that I read and thought often about every time some new person stuck a hand down the front of my pants, I'd make that deal in a heartbeat! "Pynchon who?" I'd respond to the librarian whom I was praying would put her hand down the front of my pants so I could forget Of Mice and Men. I think the loss of a memory of a book would have to be random because the deal would be too good to be true if you were able to choose which book you'd forget and the book didn't have to be a great work of literature. Off the top of my head, I already have sixteen free hands-down-the-front-of-my-jeans moments as I desperately attempted to forget every Piers Anthony book I'd ever read. Losing my memory of The Color of Her Panties while getting a hand job? Two birds with one ecstatic grip, that one!

Jenny and Mr. Lies-a-Lot continue their day with a stroll through the park. They pass Joel and Emma who sit on a bench discussing how Emma will live her life after Joel's dead. Turns out Joel's an incurable romantic.

"With all that's left after I'm dead, you might just be able to afford a shotgun."

Jimmy managed to catch the train back to the suburbs even though he nearly missed it waiting for Jennifer. Apparently he hasn't tried to get between Jenny's legs not because he's gay but because he's wrestling with the ghost of his last relationship.

I'd say literally but that word has been ruined by the kinds of people who spell lose with two "o"s. Also he's not technically wrestling with it so saying literally would feel wrong.

I picked up some more Shadow of the Bat issues at my local comic book store's year end sale! But I can't read them until I get through with this comic book about regular people. I hope they all wind up victims of The Joker by the end. Not because I'm a monster! Because Ostrander wants us to see the kinds of everyday people who suffer for Batman's choice to not kill! All their deaths should be on Batman's head!

Dio decides to get back into crime because his girl didn't have any beer waiting for him when he got home from seeing his parole officer. Man, I know exactly what that's like! Except for being on parole. And getting back into crime. And drinking a beer when I get home. But that part about having a girl! Man, I totally know what that's like! You other comic book nerds might not know what it's like but let me tell you: it's probably so sweet! I mean, it is sweet! Super sweet!

I have a philosophical question. If I were to rate all of my sexual experiences across my lifetime, should I include the time that girl with the huge tits draped herself across my back at the skating rink? Probably, right? It's not like I could stand up anytime soon after that seeing that I chose to wear sweat pants that night. And I was like fourteen. Also, if I'd come in my pants (which I assure you I did not do that time!), could I mark that as the night I lost my virginity? Probably, right?

The guy whom Dio punched in the face earlier that day is heading up the crew about to do some crime. He allows Dio to join because Dio teaches them how to defeat Batman: run like hell. The crime leader finds it so amusing that he pretends to forget that Dio punched him. I say "pretends" because he's probably setting Dio up to take the fall for whatever crime they're doing. Wouldn't you?! The jerk punched him in the face earlier! And all he did to deserve it was call his wife a whore! Is that fair?

While Dio's fucking up his life, Rosemary has a sexy dream about Batman.

According to Herr Horndog Freud, penetrating somebody with a spear in a dream is totally a sex dream.

See that? Ostrander himself understands why I want to see all of these people dead at the hands of The Joker by the end of this comic book! I'm not a monster at all! Although the woman having this dream might very well be a monster (though not through any fault of her own (what monsters are monsters through faults of their own? We're living in the 21st Century! We understand that the real monsters are Beowulf and The Wizard of Oz and cops (well, cops were always seen as the bad guy until the '80s began a thirty-year trend of Copaganda)!). She's probably dealing with untreated schizophrenia) and she's having the same thoughts that I had thus by the associative property, I will now stop thinking about it and once again declare: I am not a monster!

One of Rosemary's issues is that she's suffering from a form of body dysmorphia. She views herself as the only thin woman in the world. This is best exemplified by the dream of her wedding with Batman (in which Lobo and Halo attend because Rosemary and I are basically the same person, I think).

Even the Helm of Nabu is chubby!

Dio and his buddies don't get busted by Batman because the Gotham Police show up at their crime. I'd be more descriptive about their crime but nobody has actually said which crime they were committing. Probably burglary. While running from the cops, Dio asks Crime Leader Facepunchy why he called his wife a whore. He tells Dio he was just talking shit and he didn't mean nothing by it but Dio heard some things while he was in jail and some of his anger isn't just from not having any beer. He's begun to suspect the baby isn't his which means Dio's wife and child are in serious danger. Know who else is probably in some serious danger? You guessed correctly! Jennifer!

Uh oh. Is Ostrander getting a little preachy here about a woman enjoying a vibrant sexual life?

Why's she gotta wake up thinking fucking yet another guy was a mistake? She shouldn't think this was a mistake until the guy begins dismembering her. Hopefully she's just kind of regretful because the sex was bad. "I didn't . . . not again. . .!" just means she picked another jerk who couldn't make her orgasm. Meanwhile, he's not in bed because he had to go make a phone call.

He's telling all his friends that he just got laid. You know, the way men do.

I wish I was being facetious about men having to tell their friends how much sex they're getting but, in my experience, it's sadly true. The number of times I've met up with friends after long periods of absence and they have to tell me all about how much pussy they were getting. Instead of tuning out until they're done wiping their dick across my face, I should come up with healthy ways to handle this sort of thing. Maybe mirroring their stories but slowly revealing that all the sex I was having was with sheep. Or beginning a story, "Speaking of sex, remember that time you came home and I was waiting for you with your sweaty and satisfied mom in your living room?"

Jennifer accuses Ray the Expert Liar of being on the phone with another woman because she doesn't seem to know that thing about how men need to tell another man that they got laid or else it doesn't really count.

He's probably talking with his associates who helped kidnap the kid Batman's looking for. Or not. Maybe these stories don't tie together at all!

Dio arrives home from failing to crime correctly only to find his wife just hanging up the phone. He knows how men only call people to tell them that they just got laid so he rips the phone out of the wall and accuses his wife of cheating on him. At least he doesn't hit her. Is not hitting a woman whom you think cheated on you because your self-esteem is in the toilet due to your criminal past and your failure to make anything of yourself a noble trait? His wife seems to know he isn't abusive because she says right to his face that she should be sleeping around just to have a man around when she needs one. Sure, his hand is balled into a fist and maybe he was thinking of hitting her before he heard the sirens on the cop car pulling up outside. But his wife seems genuinely concerned for him so I think he's probably been a decent husband until his doubts and failures and Batman accusing him of kidnapping a child started him spiraling. Yeah, I'm making excuses for him! But mostly because of the way his wife reacts to him. She doesn't seem afraid of him; she seems incredibly worried for his mental health and well being.

The Ranking
What was Batman up to this night in Gotham?! We don't know because he didn't make an appearance. But the Bat Signal was in the sky all night, seen several times over the course of the issue. He was probably dreaming like everybody else. Dreaming of Catwoman's fat . . . um, you know what, that's a private thought. I need to learn not to type out private thoughts! "Keep your fat pussy lips discourse to yourself, you old pervert" is what I should continue to repeat over and over again in my head until main has been scrubbed of the horny. Also by "fat pussy lips", I meant Catwoman's recent lip fillers. It's, um, part of her disguise since her lips are the main thing you can see so she gets them filled before a job so that she's less recognizable when the mask comes off and the puffiness subsides. Um, anyway, this was a good issue that could have used a lot more Catwoman, preferably seen from the back while she's bending over.

Christ, I'm so glad my mother doesn't read this blog!

Batman: Gotham Nights #1 (March 1992)

Three disparate fonts in one comic book title might be a Guinness world record.

The Cover
The sidebar on this cover gives Batman second billing to the people of Gotham. But the comic book isn't called The People of Gotham: Gotham Nights for some reason. That season probably has something to do with DC wanting to sell as many issues of this comic book as possible. The art, by Eduardo Barreto, isn't a style that makes my morning wood become "midday wood standing in the middle of a comic book store looking at the new releases rack." It's definitely not bad art! It's that kind of raw and gritty and realistic art that I can appreciate as being well done but remains too far from the cartoony, animated, whimsical, loads of boobies style that I can really get behind. I love that Batman, who gets second billing no matter what the top of the comic book is trying to sell readers, lurks in the background behind the citizen of Gotham. It's a perfect encapsulation for what I think Ostrander's going for in this series (having not read it since 1992 basically means I've never read it, memory (especially my own) being what it is). "This is not a Batman story," the cover states. Sort of. I mean, we've all seen Batman covers like this. But I think those generally try to make Batman at least somewhat a focus of the cover. The focus of this cover is obviously the gun. Then you glance at the guy. And if you're not bored by then because you're thinking, "Why the fuck do I want to read a comic book about ordinary people who just happen to live in Gotham? Dumb!", you might notice Batman, his features hidden by being backlit by the moon. It's a really good fucking cover and I'd like to say I purchased this comic book because the cover was as intriguing as it was even though it claims to be about Gotham citizens. But I know for a fact that I only bought it because John Ostrander was writing it. Sorry, Eduardo! You did so much work and yet I'm that comic book reading asshole who really only cares about three things: 1. Who wrote this? 2. Is Lobo in this? 3. Is Ambush Bug in this?

The Story
This is a story about not Batman. I know it says "BATMAN" right there at the top of the comic book (a fact I've already pointed out about eight times in about seventeen sentences (that's almost half of them!)) but it's not. Did you not read the sidebar? Okay, it's sort of about Batman. But if you purchased it because you wanted to read a story where Batman commits violent acts of extreme justice, you're going to be super sad (I mean angry. If you bought it for those reasons, you're probably one of those people who think "emotions" means "anger").

One of the exciting things about publishing comic books when they cost about a dollar is that you could take chances on weird shit like this (especially if you slap "BATMAN" at the top). Publishing comic books this cheaply meant DC could experiment and people would purchase those experiments because why not? It's just a dollar! And don't think a dollar in 1992 was equal to five dollars today. It absolutely was not which is why I bought this in 1992 but I haven't purchased any new comic books in five years. And comic book shops would buy whatever the two main publishers put out because they were paying, at most, fifty to sixty cents per issue. And if nobody bought the copy new, they could still throw them in the quarter or fifty cent bins and either recoup their initial investment or minimize their loss.

Also, did I mention John Ostrander wrote this? That probably held a lot of weight on if somebody would buy it. I'm not familiar with Mary Mitchell so fingers crossed that she loved drawing women getting out of showers in towels and that a lot of scenes take place in locker rooms, saunas, and showers!

I'm not familiar enough yet with Mary Mitchell's style to know if this character is gay or if she just draws everybody running like that.

One page into Mary Mitchell's art and I'm, tentatively, a believer. Has Batman's chest logo ever been more adorable? It's got little feet! And Batman's cowl has tear ducts! So he can cry at the injustice of it all, I suppose. And the Gotham citizen running from Batman looks like he's just as afraid of the gun in his hands as he is of Batman.

I guess the main takeaway from page one though is that maybe this is a story about Batman. Maybe I shouldn't have judged the cover by the cover. Maybe the "BATMAN" at the top should have been more believable than the shit in the sidebar that really seemed to be added because editorial read the script and was all, "Batman isn't really the focus of this, is he, John?" And John Ostrander was all, "No, of course not. How interesting is that? Who can write a Batman story in this day and age with any new and interesting facets?! It can't be done!" And editorial was all, "Well, it had better be done because people aren't going to buy a Batman book without Batman." And John Ostrander was all, "I mean, look. This is obviously a Batman story! I'm just going to focus on how he interacts with the people he's obsessed with keeping out of harm's way! And their confusing relationship with the city, knowing that one desperate move by any of them could wind up in two broken arms, a broken leg, and a fractured spine. This guy's like Javert on a constant overdose of amphetamines!" Then editorial was all, "Whatever. Just make sure it's got enough Batman that nobody complains. We want zero letters from angry dorks over this, understand?!"

Batman chases Pack onto the subway tracks where a speeding train nearly kills them both and allows for Pack to escape (probably!). That's the prologue. That's the stuff that's supposed to get the reader excited. Now, I suppose, we'll discover what child fucking Batman is talking about and why Pack's involved. You know he's not involved in the way Batman thinks he is. You can tell by how scared he is of that fucking gun.

The real story begins with several pages describing Gotham City, it's architecture, and how it has affected and shaped the people living there.

The story of the stories of the people of Gotham begins with Rosemary Hayes. You might wonder, "Is she going to be important? Is this just a brief glimpse at one of the small lives in the big city? Will her story entangle itself in the stories of the other people? Will there be a hidden story about Batman saving the day off-stage but, if with a close reading, you can put all of the pieces together to see what actually happened? Have I read too much Infinite Jest?" A person picking up this comic book for the first time might think that. But a person who currently has all four issues in a stack and has looked at the cover of Issue #4 which shows Rosemary aiming down the barrel of a shotgun at somebody or something off-screen knows she'll tie in a bit more later.

People can argue about the spelling of doughnut all day long and the only thing they'll ever agree on is that it isn't spelled like Rosemary's place of work spells it.

Mary is either optimistically hopeful or seriously delusional. Perhaps those are just two expressions of the same attribute. But also I saw the cover to Issue #4 so probably delusional. She believes a man that orders from her every day is secretly in love with her. In her internal fantasy of his eventual declaration of love for her, she looks nothing like she actually looks. So, again, delusional. Although I'd still argue, quite emphatically, actually, that being optimistically hopeful is just a kind way of calling somebody seriously delusional.

Other characters who make the cover of Issues #2 and #3 begin their stories after Rosemary's. I guess this series isn't going to be as complicated as Infinite Jest. Probably less suicide too. Although maybe the same amount of obsession and addiction. Definitely zero tennis though. Who wants to read a comic book about tennis? I picked this up to read about Gotham nobodies!

The next two "main" characters: Joel and Woman.

After Joel and Woman, we're introduced to Jennifer and Jimmy. They're so much fun! Jennifer is all, "I love fucking guys but they're always terrible guys!" And Jimmy is all, "I'll buy you breakfast if you promise not to drop it when you think I've got AIDS!" And Jennifer is all, "Whoops!"

That pearl necklace she's wearing doesn't bode well for her avoiding being shot in an alley.

Jennifer assumes Jimmy's gay because he hasn't tried to fuck her even though every story she tells him begins and ends with her saying, "I just love dick!" He assures her that she isn't gay but I think what he's really doing is assuring the Comics Code Authority that he isn't gay while the readers are all, "Oh yeah. He's gay. Cool. Sad he can't embrace it though. He should also be telling stories where he begins and ends with 'I just love dick!'"

Jimmy assures Jennifer that they're friends because he wants to be her friend and not friends because he wants to fuck her. Jennifer is all, "Are you speaking English?" They agree to meet up at the end of the work day to take the same train back home like they do every day. While they're discussing this, an ominous looking man walks past them. He's ominous because he's got a dour look on his face and not because he looks like a Native American. Also because the "camera" focuses on him as he walks past.

It's at this point that Batman and Pack come running into the station. I guess this is the same chase from the night before? Batman finally catches pack by punching him in the face. Pack's jaw shatters in four places and causes him to drop the gun which lands at the feet of the ominous man. Pack acts like he knows this man.

Is that an attempted murder charge? Telling somebody else to murder somebody with the gun you just dropped? If it is, I wouldn't convict on it on the basis of "Jokes, man!"

Batman threatens Dio simply because the man he's been chasing all night knew him by name. When people say ACAB includes Batman, that ain't no joke. It doesn't help that Batman recognizes the guy as somebody he once put in prison. Batman says, "You were working for The Riddler." But the guy is all, "Naw, the Penguin." I bet Batman got that wrong on purpose to test the man's honesty. He claims he's on parole and going to see his parole officer and only knows Pack from the hood. But Batman is all, "I'm looking for a kidnapped child and this guy knows something and he knows you so I'm going to assume you know something. So look out, scuzzball." And Dio walks off thinking, "What the fuck? Am I in a Judge Dredd comic book?"

All the characters we met so far go about their boring days after the excitement of their morning commute. Dio gets in a fight with another parolee in the police station. Jennifer meets a guy she wants to fuck and stands up Jimmy. Joel learns he only has, at best, six months to live. Just a bunch of normal, boring everyday shit. Oh, we also learn Dio's an abusive asshole with a wife and baby. Maybe Batman will teach him a lesson about not being an abusive asshole and his family will live happily ever after. And maybe Joel will try to rob a bank to set up his wife, Woman, with money after he's dead. And maybe Jennifer will get The AIDS from all the guys she loves to fuck. And maybe Jimmy will learn he loves Jenny and come up with boring shit to say to strangers about boxes of chocolate. Oh, and Rosemary will murder the guy she believes loves her. And all while Batman tries to find some missing child, so obsessed with this one case that he misses all of these other cases happening all around him!

The Ranking
Ostrander tells a compelling story with just enough Batman to pull readers into the mundane peoples' lives. Plus it's the perfect length for a series like this. Four issues is the sweet spot. It's too bad that six became standard so companies could collect them in a standard sized graphic novel. Six is often way too many issues. I bet comic book companies would be able to sell more experimental projects if they just cut them down in length. I'm also a big proponent of lowering the prices on certain comics that might not be huge sellers. Sell them for two bucks and let the popular titles subsidize their existence. Open up the kinds of stories that can be told in these superhero universes! Especially if Lobo's involved somehow. Need way more Lobo. I'll probably start buying some new comics again in March because a new Lobo series is coming out. Might give Deathstroke a chance as well. But probably not another Citizens of Gotham series if DC ever does one. Well, it depends on who's writing it, I guess!