Aquaman #10

I think a jellyfish is stuck to her mouth.

Somebody named stickyshemale just began following my Tumblr account. I used to block porn accounts whenever I noticed them following me but then I had to think, "What if they're just really intelligent comic book fans who appreciate the hidden depths of my dick jokes?" And then I had to stop blocking them because I would hate it if I couldn't read the things that I wrote.

Mera is still putting up with the old lady tradition nonsense where they have to make sure she's fit to be the queen and also make sure she's a virgin, probably. Part of the tradition is to read her future to find out what kind of queen she'll be. It seems like maybe that's the only part that would matter! If they can really tell the future then what else does Mera have to learn? Just look at the seaweed leaves, makes sure the world isn't destroyed when Mera becomes queen, and then let her marry Arthur. So they look at her future and there's a hitch that makes it seem like maybe she shouldn't marry Arthur.

This story is called "Future Tide". Judging by this image and these Narration Boxes, I think I know what "tide" Abnett is talking about.

Apparently if Arthur marries Mera, he'll die and she'll go crazy and the world will end in something called The Deluge. I guess that's just the Atlantean equivalent of a Trump Presidency. I mean an apocalypse.

Mera is offended that the Widowhood think she's going to bring about the end of the world. She's all, "How can I be the bringer of destruction? Look at these fantastic tits! How could these cause any harm?!" I would also mention the full and tight ass. It's definitely not destroying anything in my pants. In fact, it's creating something!

The Widowhood decide that, based on the vision, maybe Mera isn't a good match for Arthur. That's dumb! Don't they know that prophecy always plays people for fools?! Obviously the prophecy means that because of the prophecy, the Widowhood do not allow Mera to marry Arthur, therefore he marries somebody who will wind up destroying the world. That's like Prophecy 101: Intro to Self-fulfilling Prophecies.

When she's told she can't marry Arthur, Mera wishes she were a land dweller so she could stomp her foot. Instead she has to be content with letting out a few bubbles of shock as she stares agape into her suddenly depressing and loveless future. It's also probably the future that will bring the Deluge, stupid prophets!

Mera decides to go hang out at the lighthouse in Amnesty Bay with Aquadog, a carton of Oreos, and a gallon of Earl Grey tea.

Why does she have to wring out her hair? Can't she just use her powers to remove the water?

The Prophet had a little more prophecy than the vision of the world drowning in menstrual blood. It said something about the name of the enemy being hidden in the lighthouse that howls, or something. So as Mera walks up to the lighthouse and hears Aquadog howling, she begins to feel the prophecy really did focus on her. But nobody cared about the Prophet's addendum! It was too abstruse. But I'm sure Mera will figure it out. I just hope she figures it out in this issue because I didn't buy Issue #11.

Mera finds a note from Stubbs, some woman she met in a previous story arc. She wants to meet with her so she can tell her about NEMO. Hey! They're Aquaman's real enemy! I just figured it out! Black Manta is going to disguise himself as a woman so he can marry Arthur and destroy the world! Boom. Now I don't have to worry about this story ending this issue because I guess what's going to happen. Even if I'm wrong, I'll never know because I'm not reading the next issue. And nobody reading this would be dickbag enough to destroy my delusion!

During the meeting, some NEMO operative named Broadsides tries to assassinate Mera and Stubbs. But he fails because he's terrible. Although he does get away. Afterward, Mera learns that Aquaman nearly died battling The Shaggy Man because she was off being tested to make sure she didn't pass on any sexually transmitted diseases on her wedding night with Aquaman.

The Ranking!
No change. I haven't really been interested in Aquaman since Issue #1 of The New 52 so it's off the pull list. It'll be hard to adjust to a comic book reading life of not making fun of Aquaman and sexually harassing fictional character Mera with my sexy words. I sort of hope the only Aquaman comics I ever read again are the ones by Peter David in the nineties. Mostly because I have those and I'll be rereading them at some point so I'd like to pretend that I want to.

Green Arrow #10

I've never before noticed that leg Green Arrow has coming out of his armpit.

Today was a disaster because my comic book store did not get new comics in and also they were closed. This is because I live in Portland, Oregon. You may have heard that we are experiencing the end of the world right now due to a foot of snow falling in one day. No other city in any other nation has ever had it as bad as we had it here the last two days. From now on, whenever I hear anybody mention Aleppo, I'd better hear somebody else say, "That's nothing! What about what happened in Portland?!" Then at the mention of Portland, everybody will lower their heads in respect and think of the poor hipsters who couldn't get any new records or be seen in line at ¿Por Qué No? I can only imagine these last two days was what John the Apostle saw in his vision that caused him to write Revelations. I did mention how I couldn't get my new comics today, right?

So in the DC Universe, there exists a train which runs under the Pacific Ocean linking Seattle with Shanghai. Ollie compares it to some architectural marvels like the Great Wall of China or the Pyramid of Giza. Is he insane?! Those "architectural marvels" are no better than stacking blocks! Sure, they're big blocks! And over incredibly long distances and rugged terrain (in the case of the wall! The pyramid is like just sitting there in sand and shit). But if you want to talk about architectural marvels, how about all those fucking cathedrals and mosques and wherever Jewish people worship that sometimes took six hundred years to complete. Six hundred years! I don't start a project if I think it's going to take up my entire weekend, let alone thirty generations of my offspring! I know I mock religion incessantly on this blog but I can't begrudge it its power to compel people toward great achievements. I suppose if I believed I would have eternity to play video games after I died, I wouldn't begrudge a bit of daily housework.

Under Bear Fuck Island, Ollie, Diggle, and Dinah are preparing to catch the Trans-Pacific Railway as it speeds by without stopping. It does slow down a little bit as they're expecting a container of heroin to be dropped on board.

Oh forget the stupid fucking bow, you rich fucker. It's not like it's fucking Rosebud.

Look at the above scan. Diggle is either falling on his face or he's a champion fucking long jumper (with no technique). Diggle would have been better off just running aboard so I think he actually is tripping over his semen soaked, bear beshitted boots.

Ollie is all, "The bow is all I have left!" And Dinah is all, "You have like eighty secret hideouts all over Seattle full of trick arrows and pornography! You'll live!" Diggle falls out of the container as it drops onto the train but he's able to hang on with one hand. To a train going like six hundred miles per hour. Um, probably. I bet it's because his hands are still sticky from honey. You know, the honey he ate while cuddling with the bear he fucked on Bear Fuck Island. Oliver, on the other hand (the one not holding onto the train), misses the train completely. Except he's got one chance left! He fires a grapple arrow into the side of the train and doesn't rip both arms out of socket as he hangs on to the rope going taught at, probably, six hundred miles per hour. These are some bad-ass men! What was Dinah so fucking worried about?

Oliver boards the train through the back door and now has to walk up to the shipping container to reunite with Black Canary. Diggle is probably dead. On his way, Ollie passes through a train car full of luxury vehicles. He just happens to notice one of them had their trunk forced open even though they're all backed up against the wall and he's walking in front of them. I guess he does need a good eye for shooting arrows so accurately. He jumps to the conclusion that somebody was probably stowing away in the trunk but when he investigates, he just finds a bunch of bottles of an energy drink called "Oh!"

Oh shit. This is the maiden voyage? So no heroin has yet to reach Seattle from Bear Fuck Island? Ollie truly is better than Batman! Also, do you call train journeys voyages? I guess if they're under the ocean, right?

Black Canary shrugs her shoulders and leaves Diggle and Ollie to die. If the idiots couldn't board the carrier in time, that's their stupid problem. Instead of trying to help Diggle, she decides to crawl across the top of the train until she can find a way in. I imagine it must have been heartbreaking ignoring Diggle's screams for help.

Percy puts in a bit of Black Canary Narration Boxing so the reader knows she's confident that Ollie and Diggle are okay. I mean, there's no way she can really know that. But I guess she's just an optimist. She decides to go undercover because obviously there is something super suspicious happening on this train. It was being used to transport heroin, for Christ's sake! I mean it was going to be used for that purpose!

Of course Black Canary is right not to be worried because Diggle manages to save himself.

The Pacific Ocean isn't hot at all!

Diggle winds up in a fight with the bartender who is a mercenary that recognizes Diggle by reputation. But he'll be all right, I'm sure. Dinah certainly isn't worried as she steals a dress that conveniently has a black canary pattern on the front. As if anybody else in the world has ever heard of a black canary! Um, they're not really a thing, are they?

Dinah runs into some guy named Amin Mustafa who decides it's more important to try to get laid than to have a hot woman prove her identity to security. I totally get that!

Uh-oh! I bet I know what's going to happen!

Actually, I already knew something like that was going to happen because being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I made sure to contemplate and analyze the title of the story before reading the story. The title was "Murder on the Empire Express". I didn't say they're all hard to analyze.

Mustafa recognizes Dinah Lance as the lead singer of Black Canary but it doesn't seem to worry him. He does remember how every single venue Black Canary played would wind up trashed, right? And he does remember that they're a mile or two beneath the surface of the ocean, right?! This is going to be a disaster!

Meanwhile, Ollie read the ingredients on Oh! and realized that the main ingredient is conotoxin. According to Google, I mean Ollie, it's "one of the deadliest and swiftest poisons in the world." But not only that! He also says, "If blended with phenol, you've got a toxic cocktail that would shut down your organs and jelly your brain." If it's so swift and deadly, why does it need to be made swifter and deadlier? And how come Oliver knows this stuff? Did he learn it while on The Island?

Oliver makes a Boxing Glove Arrow and fans are all, "Ugh. Really? That was cool and funny and retro like the first five thousand times it's been brought back. But this five thousandth and one time is just too much." Then he finds Diggle bleeding all over the place. Diggle warns him that there's an assassin on board! And Oliver is all, "Duh! I already figured that out. Totally way before you did. You've got no game, brother." Not long after that, Mustafa drinks some non-alcoholic champagne and drops dead. She's all, "There's an assassin on board! I just figured it out when this guy was assassinated!" She's the worst of the three!

The poison works too quickly because Mustafa dies almost immediately after taking a sip and now everybody knows the champagne is poisoned and nobody else is going to drink it. I mean, maybe a few people will because they're terribly thirsty and they don't believe bad things ever happen to them. But fuck those people. They were probably going to get hit by a car on a dark, rainy night anyway thinking, "That car has to stop for me because it's the law."

To make sure even those fuckwits don't die, Black Canary uses her Canary Cry to shatter all of the champagne flutes. And probably a bunch of ear drums too. And maybe one or two brain stems.

Green Arrow arrives as the assassin tries to flee the train car. Then he explains how his plan totally worked although he doesn't explain exactly why he wanted it to work. I guess he was just paid by somebody with an interest in keeping the Middle East and North Africa from forming some kind of peace treaty. Green Arrow figures it's the perfect time to be an annoying scold.

He's a murderer for hire! Do you think he fucking cares?!

Green Arrow is all, "You're disgusting! So gross! Problematic to the nth degree!" And the assassin is all, "Oh! I'm so ashamed now! I want people to like me and my pockets bulging with blood money!" The assassin gets away because Green Arrow wants to hear the answer to his riddle, "Ever heard of an Irish Goodbye?" Instead of saying "No" while knocking the guy out, Oliver is all, "What's that?!" Then the assassin shuts down the lights and sneaks away.

Then this happens and nobody says, "Oh no! It was this other guy who completely confessed to it and even said why he killed Amin. These two were trying to stop him!", because this is a stupid comic book and poorly written and desperate for some kind of shitty cliffhanger, no matter how fucking contrived it might be. Also, I think Black Canary may have broken her back at some point during the story.

The Rating!
-1! From now on, whenever a comic book ends like this where the heroes have just stopped the bad guy but then the everyday heroes come along and decide to arrest or beat up the good guys, I am dropping the stupid fucking comic book. It's the trope I hate the most and I'm currently incensed! I'm angrier about this than people thinking Trump is smart. How stupid do you have to be to listen to Trump speak and think, "That guy sure ain't dumb!"?

Green Lanterns #10

If this is what happens when you wear it, why isn't the Phantom Ring the Rainbow Ring?

Last issue was Issue #9. I don't think I read it because I can't remember anything interesting about it.

This issue begins with some guy I've never seen before threatening a woman in Dearborn, Michigan. I feel like if I turn the page, I'm going to completely forget everything about it because this guy is fucking boring. So nondescript! I guess I just described him as boring so he's semi-descript. But mostly, there's nothing remarkable about him and nothing much to say. Totally forgettable. I don't even know why he's in this comic book.

Nearby, Simon Baz has put on the Phantom Ring and now he's cycling from one emotion to the next. I just realized that Geoff Johns totally screwed up. Each emotion should begin with a letter of the word rainbow. I mean, he came close! But as it stands, it spells R-A-F-C-H-L-W! I bet he had planned on doing that which is why it starts out correctly. But then he just gave up because how many emotions begin with an "I"? Like none, probably! Is "itchy" an emotion?

Rami the Hobo Guardian explains to Simon Baz that nobody should ever wear the ring he created. Well maybe he shouldn't have created it then! Or maybe he should have destroyed it. He flew all the way across the universe to dump it on Hal Jordan. He couldn't think to toss it in a black hole on the way over? Oh wait. Black holes in the DC Universe tend to be portals to other DC Universes instead of just super dense points in space that lead nowhere but to destruction. I guess he had to bring it to Earth to cause trouble! Although he probably could have kept quiet about it so that every alien in the universe wasn't looking for it. I bet he couldn't help bragging about it down at the local bar because there was a cute server he had a crush on and he kept having to tell him how he was forging this super powerful cosmic ring and maybe he'd like to come round his apartment to check it out sometime?

No you won't. What the fuck does the rest of this country think Portland looks like? A fucking Dr. Seuss book?!

I added Jessica's eyeballs because she looks creepy without them. Sometimes she has them and sometimes she doesn't. I guess it depends on how manipulative she's trying to be emotionally.

Simon and Jessica decide to spend a few pages on interior monologues while they rescue a neighbor from a house fire. I don't know how the fire started. Total mystery. Anyway, by the end of their monologues, both of them have decided that maybe they should trade out their Green Lantern ring for the Phantom Ring. What a great premise for a story! A ring that everybody must have and nobody is willing to destroy it even though it's too powerful!

While Jess and Si are out thinking stuff, some new guy sneaks into the house to steal the Phantom Ring.

I wonder what this guy's story is?

This guy Francis puts on the Phantom Ring and recites the second lamest Green Lantern Oath I've ever heard after the original. This guy is backed by Volthoom who taught him the rhyme. I guess the rhyme helps him control the Phantom Ring. Or else it's all the training he claims he's done to earn a regular Green Lantern ring. He seems really jump though so I guess that's why he was never chosen. Just to make sure readers realize he can't overcome great fear, he nearly jumps out of his skin when Simon's brother-in-law attacks him with an axe.

I'm not sure what happens but suddenly there's this guy in a Yellow Lantern costume in Nazir's kitchen. Where'd he come from?! He tortures Nazir with some scary light constructs before fleeing with Volthoom. Meanwhile, Sam Humphries does his part to show how representation totally matters. Especially when you write an example into your comic book.

No you can't. They don't recruit redheads.

I know Guy Gardner is a redhead! You don't think I don't know that?! It was a dumb joke! Sheesh. I can't be completely hilarious 5000% of the time! Sometimes I have to write some hacky material! It's just part of the process.

Simon and Jessica see a green streak race through the sky and wonder who it is.

I'm also wondering who it is. Where did this guy come from? And what's he doing with Rami?! Why spring him on the reader on the last page like this?!

The Ranking!
-1! I don't like the way this story is being told. It's just not for me. It's not my style! And so, I am dropping it from my reading list.

Batman #14

Batman? More like Fuckman, amirite?!

I wish Batman were alone in that alley so I could have written, "Batman? More like Masterbateman, amirite?!" Okay, fine. It doesn't really work! But I wanted to type it anyway!

I have never wanted children but lately I've been thinking about how nice it would be to have kids. Mostly because I know at a certain age, they'd find Dad's "writing" and maybe enjoy it as much as I do. And by certain age, I mean like 43 or something. This shit ain't for children!

Oh, yeah! By the way, young people reading this. It is inappropriate for you to be reading this because I might reveal that Santa Claus doesn't exist or that you came into this world because your dad put his penis in your mother's vagina, and subsequently disappointed her greatly.

This issue begins with Batman giving Catwoman the good news: she only has life without parole now instead of the death penalty! Hooray! Instead of ending her pain and suffering quickly, Batman has assured that she'll endure it for possibly fifty more years! What a sweetheart!

Catwoman doesn't care about Batman's revelation because she won't stay in prison for long anyhow. Plus, she just wants to bang the fuck out of him right now. The sex scene is on a double page spread so I can only scan part of it:

Sexay!

Before Catwoman will consent to fuck Batman, she demands that she be free for the night. It's not much to ask for somebody who is going to spend the rest of her life in Blackgate prison. Although it smells like a trap! Cats are tricky and sneaky and manipulative and picky! Don't trust her, Batman!

Batman's dick is all, "Trust her, Batman!" Stupid Bat-dick. Always saying the wrong thing.

Gordon is a fucking cockblocking son of a prick.

Batman has been alerted to The Clock King making trouble. But he's not making trouble for Gotham. No, he's got a plan to defeat Batman. I don't get it. Why poke the Batman with your Clock Stick? Criminals should be trying to avoid facing off against Batman. At the very least, by avoiding Batman, they can be assured their health insurance premiums won't be going up next month. But Clock King, being the king of clocks, has figured out how Batman will react to anything he does in the next four hours. Clock King could play chess with Batman and beat him! I know, it seems silly that a guy who is good with clocks somehow, suddenly, has the powers of that guy and his sci-fi science in The Foundation Trilogy. But little does Clock King know that he's already going to face his first Mule: Catwoman!

Nerds will get that reference. Bigger nerds will point out how the reference doesn't really make any sense. Give me a break! I haven't read The Foundation Trilogy in thirty years. THIRTY FUCKING YEARS!

Batman and Catwoman spend the rest of the night punching criminals in the face instead of fucking. Maybe they fuck between all the punching. Maybe every panel which shows the Bat-Signal going off in the sky is a metaphor for one of them having an orgasm. Maybe the punching is also a metaphor for Batman giving it to Catwoman good!

After the punching and Bat-Signals, Catwoman decides it's time for her to get some pleasure.

Oh yeah. These are metaphors alright!

The place Catwoman is breaking into is a place she owns. She steals her own stuffed cat full of diamonds to give to Batman. When she's gone, she won't need them. She wants Batman to build a fuck palace. I mean an orphanage. I don't know how I confused the two types of places, especially since one of them doesn't really exist.

After Catwoman tosses the diamonds all over the roof, the actual fuck scene takes place. It's only one page so I could scan it if I wanted to. But I'll just scan a small part of it so that you can really concentrate on the finer details.

I was going to scan the Bat-Signal because I established earlier what that was a metaphor for. But then I thought, "I want to see these two fucking close up and my scanner will magnify the scene!"

The Ranking!
+1! How can I keep giving this comic book +1 Rankings every issue?! It's going to be my favorite comic book soon and I'm not sure that's true! I like it a lot. A FUCKING LOT! And I suppose if I eventually declare this comic book better than The Sheriff of Babylon, Tom King probably won't get his feelings hurt. But can I declare it's better than The Flintstones by Mark Russell which I truly adore in so many ways?! Well, thankfully I don't have to worry about that just yet!

Speaking of The Sheriff of Babylon, Mitch Gerads did the art on this story! I bet Tom King was all, "This story is about a cat. Those cats in Sheriff were pretty fantastic! I should try to remember what lowly shit artist worked on that with me and get him for this!" And then he did! Great job, Mitch! I appreciate you even if Tom King treats you like garbage which he probably does even outside of my imaginings.

Batman #13

Bane looks like he just popped a boner and he's worried Batman's going to feel it.

Since DC has been putting the name of the story arc at the top of each comic book, I should just leave the comics in the stack until I've got a full arc to read. It makes it so much easier to follow the action. And to remember what Catwoman said in her letter while reading Batman's letter instead of reading Batman's letter a month later and thinking, "Didn't I just read a Batman comic book with a letter in it? Was that this story?" Being old is like an adventure in a haunted wood! You can't remember which way you came or where you're going or if you pissed yourself. Also there are ghosts or something. I just realized I needed to make the 'haunted' part make sense.

Batman has finally entered Bane's water closet to confront him. All the pieces of Batman's plan are in place so it's time to set it in action and break Bane's back. Not that Batman necessarily needs to get that violent but he did tell Bane he would break Bane's back if Bane didn't give up Psycho Pirate. And I didn't watch eight seasons of Super Nanny without learning that you must enforce punishments.

Meanwhile, Amanda Waller has taken this opportunity to sneak into the Batcave and steal a bunch of Batman's files. Batman mentioned this in the Justice League vs. Suicide Squad as part of his reasons why Amanda Waller is so terrible and corrupt. Surprisingly, Alfred doesn't shoot Amanda in the face with his shotgun. That seems like a mistake. She's more definitely more dangerous than The Joker.

I probably shouldn't be aroused right now.

Bane begins to beat the shit out of Batman while also psychoanalyzing Batman. Doesn't Batman get tired of people thinking they know him so deeply? The Joker. Hugo Strange. Bane. Alfred Pennyworth. It has to be tiresome. While Batman lets Bane beat him up, The Ventriloquist waits for his moment. Bronze Tiger shoots up with venom. Punch and Jewlee pretend to be incinerated in the Crematorium. And Catwoman masturbates furiously as she watches a naked Bane suplexes Batman. That could be me just projecting. Catwoman might just be watching casually.

Bane decides to help Batman relieve his suicidal thoughts by sharing his Xanax with him. His Xanax goes by the name Roger Hayden aka Psycho Pirate. I've decided to no longer care if it's Psycho-Pirate or Psycho Pirate. I'm just going to choose to go dash free.

So who is The Ventriloquist going to pretend to be when he finally starts talking? Since this is DC, it would make sense that he'd be Bane's Daddy. But since Bane's Daddy was like the evil cum of a million murdering psychopaths or something, he'll probably do Bane's Mother. I probably could have phrased that better.

But just before that happens (it must happen soon because these comic books are only twenty pages!), Bane has a tender moment with Batman. It's not the tender moment I was expecting that usually ends with somebody spitting into the sink and grabbing the mouthwash, but it's still a tender moment.

Which Batman totally kills! Jerko!

"I want to break your damn back" is apparently the code for everybody on Batman's Suicide Squad to get moving. It's not as efficient or alienating as "I will blow the fucking bomb in your head, you miserable pieces of shit!" but it works well in its own way. Bronze Tiger rips a grate from the floor (either for escape or for Punch and Jewlee to return). The Ventriloquist does some vocal exercises. Punch and Jewlee discuss having children (which is way tamer than what I thought they would be doing on their way to incineration). And Catwoman stands up and says, "Bat?" Oh yeah! That seems pretty vital to the plan. Good job, Selina!

Bronze Tiger fetches The Ventriloquist while Punch and Jewlee cover themselves in fireproof bubble gum and escape the prison via the incinerator outflow system. And then Batman gives Catwoman permission to break Bane's damn back. Which she totally does and Batman comes in his pants. Probably. No, not probably. Almost certainly.

And Wesker's role is finally revealed.

I really wish Batman had let him bring his doll.

I know The Ventriloquist has usually been portrayed as having some kind of dissociative personality disorder but he really fits being way out on the autism spectrum, right?

Before leaving through the hole in the wall Catwoman blows with the explosives in the handle of her whip where Punch and Jewlee wait for them in a bubble gum boat, Batman decides to make sure that Bane comes looking for him later.

Batman's just fucking taunting him now!

Batman rewards his Suicide Squad in not much the same way Amanda never rewards hers. The Ventriloquist will be sent to a place where he can get compassionate care. Punch and Jewlee will go back to Arkham but with a monthly fuck pass. And Catwoman gets a kiss. And maybe more. I think her reward comes next issue.

There's an epilogue where Bane cries out for Venom. So, you know, he's going to be a huge problem later. I hope he also calls out for his suit next because I've seen enough of Bane's ass.

The Ranking!
+1! I should apologize to the Suicide Squad for suggesting a few issues ago that Batman's Suicide Squad was better at getting its members killed than the real one. I just wanted to denigrate Amanda's Squad and remind people how nobody ever dies on it and it really doesn't deserve the Suicide moniker. I knew at the time Catwoman didn't really kill Punch and Jewlee! I know, I know! I sound like an Internet nerd backpedaling on things they've previously said. But I pointed out right from the start that Catwoman was, in no way, going to wind up being an actual murderer. Batman also doesn't think she is and he's the World's Greatest Detective. I will stake my Grandmaster Comic Book Reader reputation on it, just like I staked it on Harvest being a vampiric Red Robin returned from the 30th Century to do the Teen Titans right by starting NOWHERE. And you all know how that turned out! I was right about it, right? Pretty sure I was.

Batman #12

For some reason, this cover seems particularly apt tonight.

For people reading this in the future, I should probably explain that caption. For people reading it tonight, stop tittering over people deriving pleasure from being pissed on! Trump isn't that kind of pervert! He derived sexual pleasure from watching prostitutes pissing on a bed which somebody he hated slept in! That's a totally different and way more specific kind of fetish! Oh, so my explanation to the people reading this in the future where we've stopped pledging allegiance on the flag and instead piss into the mouth of an idol of our God Emperor: tonight was the night Trump Supporters finally began demanding that news be verified.

Last issue ended with Catwoman flying off the fucking handle and apparently going against Batman's plan to institute a plan of her own. One minor goal of Batman's plan was to possibly enable Catwoman to escape the death penalty. The main and only goal of Catwoman's plan is to make sure Catwoman escapes the death penalty and life imprisonment as well. So who can fault her with going out on her own limb? Plus she's a cat. Going out on dangerous limbs is something they tend to do. Tom King's Catwoman is way more cat-like than Ann Nocenti's Catwoman who, like, owned a cat or something.

This issue begins with a letter from Bruce to Selina. Or, more probably, from Alfred pretending to be Bruce to Selina. I can't stand how these comic books keep tricking me into reading letters! This is supposed to be a post-epistle modern age! Batman's letter begins by hinting at an intimacy that The New 52 tried to deny for five years. But we all knew it was there, just under the surface, bubbling with seminal and vaginal juices.

I want to say it's weird that seminal means relating to semen and also strongly influencing later developments but, I mean, that's what semen does. So it makes sense even if everybody titters whenever they hear the word used earnestly.

Before continuing this comic book, I should probably apologize to Trump supporters. It must be so hard for them to hear me bash Trump when they thought that I was a clearheaded, logical, totally hilarious writer. Obviously their opinions on me have to completely change when I'm suddenly so biased by the lamestream media. As opposed to, you know, the other option. Which is that I'm still a clearheaded, logical, totally hilarious writer and that maybe they've made a huge mistake. So, you know, sorry about that.

This is definitely written by Alfred. He still thinks of Bruce as being fourteen years old. Plus, Bruce probably would have written "would of laughed and laughed."

Batman describes his parents as stuffed shirts who only laughed at things like hobos slipping on banana peels and small business owners. They were keen on the ridiculous because they lived life surrounded by order and societal rules. I guess that's why they would have found Batman so funny. "Look at him, Darling! Thinking he can change things without power and money! He's so cute beating on the symptoms of the problems instead of tackling the actual problems themselves! He's almost as funny as that broken-necked hobo we saw last week!"

Who does Batman think he is? The Comedian?!

This story arc is completely disappointing me! I thought it was going to be all about Batman's Suicide Squad. Instead it's a Harlequin Romance told in letters! I guess that's my mistake for thinking the title, "I am Suicide," was about the Squad instead of love. Fool me once!

In his letter, Batman acknowledges how stupid and immature his life as the Batman is. He says he wants to laugh too but his laughter died all those years ago when Alfred didn't get him the therapy he needed and instead enabled him to pursue this ridiculous crime-fighting course of action. Unless this is Alfred writing the letter like I forgot that I was pretending to think. Then it also makes sense that Alfred just slipped into writing in his own voice when he says, "I want to laugh too. Do you know how much I want to laugh?"

Then the letter really starts getting mushy!

Meanwhile, the story underneath the letters, is just Batman beating up Bane's guards as he climbs to the top of the prison and then dives into the bay and then swims with sharks. I don't know where he's going! I guess this is all part of the plan! Maybe Wesker is going to start throwing his voice and pretending to be Bane. Then he'll tell all of Bane's guards to kill themselves and they'll all be, "Sure thing, boss!" Because henchmen are dumbies.

I should probably describe the mushy part of Batman's letter. He says that he and Catwoman share something between them which keeps them from laughing at the ridiculousness of their adult choices. Then Batman goes on to really seduce Catwoman by describing his suicide attempt at ten years old. It's pretty hot and sexy if you're into that kind of thing. I mean, I'm not! But I am into the part where he points out God is a dick so the world needs a Batman. I would say Batman confessed to being an atheist but being an atheist in the DC Universe isn't logical. There's too much evidence that there is a God. Batman's even been to heaven!

Also, Batman's suicide attempt? He admits that it's still an ongoing project.

See?! Catwoman's not a murderer! She's a fucking liar! And Batman is the World's Greatest Detective! And I'm the world's Grandmasteriest Comic Book Reader!

In the letter, Batman states he's going to set Catwoman free because he always finds the truth. He sees in Catwoman the same pain that drives him toward death and realizes she's eager enough to lie about 237 murders in exchange for death's embrace and an end to her pain. So instead of giving her that, he's going to force her to keep living with the pain because it's what he wants and what he needs! And Bruce Wayne always fucking gets what he wants!

For some reason, Batman was fighting his way to Bane's "throne" room when I thought he was hiding just behind a vent. I guess he was elsewhere when Catwoman went crazy and betrayed him. Probably setting up the real plan that relied on Catwoman going crazy and pretending to kill Punch and Jewlee. See, the other reason Punch and Jewlee were critical to Batman's Suicide Squad was that they're jesters and clowns and tricksters. Which means they're pretty good at legerdemain and making it look like blood spurts from their neck when Catwoman attacks them.

The main reason the reader can assume that the plan hasn't gone tits up is because The Ventriloquist has yet to be crucial to the plot. And yet Batman pointed out he's the most crucial bit. Bane has spent years underestimating Batman. You'd think he'd, just this once, realize that he's underestimated him yet again! I think Bane suffered some brain damage from all the years he spent on Venom. Or maybe all the years he spent having his head smashed into bricks by Batman.

The Ranking!
+1! This story about suicide is so romantic!

Batman Annual #1

Holy fuck a lot of people got paid for working on this issue!

Has anybody reading this ever tried reporting a picture on Facebook? I'm going to assume not because if you enjoy my blog posts, you probably have a similar temperament to me which, I think, the kids call chill as fuck. I'm sure it's something different now like maybe cool as penguin testes. But anyway, I actually clicked on the report link today — not because I actually wanted to report something but just because I was curious — and I can't fucking believe the options they give you for wanting to report a photo.

Are you fucking kidding me? "It's annoying or not interesting"?! Who the fuck is the arbiter of interesting and annoying on Facebook? No wait. Don't answer that question because it will seriously depress me.

The only reason given here that makes any sense is the second one. Even the spam one is bullshit because users on Facebook have a lot of options to avoid spam. Well, they have one really great option: unfriend the fucker who keeps spamming you! But the other reasons? My God, what kind of touchy fucking society are we living in that people need this kind of power and control over other people? "I think it shouldn't be on Facebook." Fuck off, you annoying prick! Anybody who has ever clicked that bubble can suck shit out of my asshole. Unless they have a shit fetish and then they can't do that. These options for reporting a photo aren't to make Facebook a better place; these options are to allow petty assholes to exert some kind of power over somebody they dislike. Even if I think the other options (like unfollowing or unfriending a person) are better, I wouldn't even mind if one of the options was "Overtly sexual." At least it's a more defensible reason (you know, for prudes) than "It's not interesting." Another option should be "Too gorey," like when your oversharing friend posts pictures of some organ they had removed. Although, yet again, I still maintain that the other options are better than declaring some picture shouldn't be posted by some person on their own fucking timeline. You have control over your own fucking Facebook environment, assholes. Stop trying to control everybody else's too.

This issue begins with Batman's throat being torn out by Ace the Bathound. Or it's a different Ace who's the mascot for the Royal Flush Gang. The title of the story is "Good Boy" which means it's going to be fucking melancholy and depressing. I guess there will be multiple stories since "Good Boy" doesn't list the same amount of artists in the credits as there are on the cover.

This already has me thinking of the end of Cujo which goes something like this: "He had always tried to be a good dog and do what his master said and never wanted to kill anybody but something about a degenerative nerve disease called rabies or something."

I suck at remembering quotes. I can't even remember my own quotes and I truly love and adore most of everything I say or write. So here's the actual quote:

“It would perhaps not be amiss to point out that he had always tried to be a good dog. He had tried to do all the things his MAN and his WOMAN, and most of all his BOY, had asked or expected of him. He would have died for them, if that had been required. He had never wanted to kill anybody. He had been struck by something, possibly destiny, or fate, or only a degenerative nerve disease called rabies. Free will was not a factor.”

When I first read Cujo in Junior High, I don't think the book touched me at all. Until that fucking paragraph. I think Stephen King wrote that entire fucking book simply so he could stick in that final paragraph and rip the fucking heart out of everybody reading it. I'm crying thinking about it now! Stupid Cujo!

Batman's throat was torn out by Ace of Spades the Cardhound on September 2nd. I bet the rest of this story is just panels of Batman getting rabies shots across the next few weeks.

Whew. I don't have to be sad! This is about the adoption of Ace the Bathound! Although now I'm suddenly tearing up out of happiness. Good boy!

Why do our stupid bodies cry when we're extremely happy or extremely sad? Doesn't it know they're vastly different emotions that should really call for vastly different reactions? If I were one to believe that some omnipotent God created the human body, I wouldn't be impressed by Their workmanship. God could imagine every vastly different and crazy thing in the Universe but They couldn't think up two different reactions to emotions on the opposite ends of the spectrum? Now is probably the time I should reassess this whole happy versus sad thing and try to reconcile why people cry from both emotions. But I don't want to. I'd rather point out God is a terrible artisan.

Ace is sent to a kill shelter because The Joker has made Ace into a monster. But Alfred donates a shit-bunch of Bruce's money to the pound so that the kid at the front desk could illegally adopt the dangerous animal out. Alfred also demands that the Gotham Pound be renamed the Martha and Thomas Wayne Humane Society." Why would the Gotham Pound use another organization's name, the Human Society, in their new name?!

Oh! I've also just realized something! Every building or organization in Gotham that is named after Martha and Thomas Wayne accepted a bribe from Bruce or Alfred for engaging in some illegal activity that helped out Batman! For shame on them all!

This scene takes place on my birthday!

Titus might not be too happy about Bruce adopting a dog with cannibalistic tendencies.

Bruce is all, "Knock it off, Alfred. Just kill the dog. Put it down like it deserves because it has a wound that can't be healed." Then he walks off oblivious to the irony.

By Christmas, Alfred has trained Ace to be a good boy.

He then somehow travels back to when Bruce was thirteen years old to give it to Bruce's younger self.

I don't know what the next story is called because I've only read the first page so far.

If it isn't called "Dragnet", I'm going to be sorely disappointed.

The story is called "Silent Night" and makes no reference to Dragnet so I'll just assume Scott Snyder and Ray Fawkes subconsciously stole the style of the beginning of every single episode of Dragnet ever.

The next story is called "The Not So Silent Night of the Harley Quinn." I'm sensing a theme here! Was I supposed to read this comic book around Christmas?

There's this other story about Minister Blizzard and somebody named The Stag who is going to be a huge threat in 2017 or else why even introduce her here and end the story with "End? The Stag is coming in 2017..."? See how it ends in three dots and not four? That means it's open-ended! She will be back!

Then there's a final story about some woman or something or whatever. Happy Holy Days, suckers!

The Rating!
I guess Ace the Bathound is back! Wayne Mansion is fucking infested with animals now. I hope they get some more!