Future Quest #6

The Quest Team about to be sucked into the Time Vagina's vortex.

This is probably he last issue of Future Quest I'm going to read. Not because I don't love Hanna-Barbera cartoons! It's just that I don't love most of the Hanna-Barbera cartoons that make up this comic book! Sure, the Herculoids were one of my favorites as a kid. But Birdfuckingman? Johnny Quest? The Impossibles? No thanks! Maybe if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt wind up in this issue, I'll reconsider adding it back to the pull list.

The human body is an incredible machine. Today, I farted, belched, and urinated all at the same time. And I have a mind capable of admiring that feat! At first I typed "burped" and "peed" but I figured I should probably smart it up a bit. I couldn't think of a good smart word for fart. I wish I had been spitting instead so I could have said expectorate!

This issue begins with the kid from the swamp who was deputized by Johnny Quest expressing glee after turning into a full grown man named Mightor with a saber-toothed cat as his sidekick. He also decides to nickname his saber-toothed cat friend "Snag" which means this must be Snagglepuss. I'll know for sure when I see which side of the panel he exits.

When I was about ten or twelve years old, I would have hated suddenly becoming a full grown man. It would have just made me feel even more awkward and uncomfortable than I already was. The transition from childhood to adult is supposed to be a long battle against puberty which every child eventually succumbs to through attrition and self-doubt. When they finally drag themselves into sixteen or seventeen, they just roll over and scream, "Enough already! ENOUGH! I accept it! I'm a stupid adult! Fine! Fuck everything!" Although maybe it would be better to just wake up one day and find you've easily slid into the transition overnight. Then you can just pop out of bed, run outside, and find somebody to fuck badly!

Another player in this story is Ug, the caveman. He speaks some kind of made up gobbledygook language that I can call gobbledygook because it's fictional. You can't call me disrespectful for that. It's why I only criticize comic books because anybody who screams at me for saying something they disagree with just looks like a petty asshole who takes their stupid comic books way too seriously. Ug is a fucking stupid caveman who sounds like his mouth is shitting when he speaks! There! I said it! He disgusts me!

I once had a growth spurt when somebody grabbed my club fossil! OH!

The kids know Mightor used to be Ty because he's the only black character in this comic book. I hope his introduction to the Quest team gives Hadji the confidence to start calling out all of the racist crap Dr. Quest and Race Bannon get up to. I'm fairly certain there as least one episode where Dr. Quest experiments on Hadji, and at least three episodes where Race Bannon said the N-word.

I'm glad I've forgotten all of the dinosaur names I knew as a kid because about 75% of those names probably aren't recognized by the scientific community anymore. Hell, when I was a kid, people still weren't sure what killed off the dinosaurs. One Dr. Larson thought maybe they died from smoke inhalation!

In the 70s, dinosaurs had names like Angry Sky Lizard, Terribly Fat Swamp Monster, and Long Necked Ducklodadopuss.

Mightor arrives with the unconscious body of Birdfuckingman and leaves him with Johnny Quest. Before he leaves, he says, "Told you Snag was a scrapper!" Oh, did you? When did you say that? In the time that doesn't exist where you hung out with Johnny and the others after transforming and before this moment? Fuck you, Ty. You're a fucking liar! You're worse than that guttermouthed Ug.

Meanwhile in another universe or timeline or reality, Space Ghost fights for his life against the evil monster whose name I've long forgotten. I do know it isn't Brak, unfortunately. Oh! It's Omnikron! I think that means "All of the weed." Space Ghost chases it through a Time Vagina, so he'll probably be on Earth soon too.

Race Bannon, master of anatomy!

Zin's dinosaur attack on the Quest's isn't proving sufficient to destroy them so he ties a bomb to a velociraptor and giggles maniacally. He might be the greatest evil scientist in the history of evil scientists!

Somehow, Birdfuckingman saves the kids from the velicoraptor bomb. He must have seen this trick before. Maybe Zin isn't as imaginative as I thought. I bet he pulls the old bomb on a dinosaur every time he needs to make a fast get away with a kidnapped scientist. Oh yeah, during the kerfuffle, Jade kidnapped Dr. Quest. Good. Dr. Quest probably made his career as a scientist thanks to Project Paperclip. He deserves whatever he gets.

That's the end of the Jonny Quest bit because the last half of the comic had to be used for something even more boring than a Jonny Quest story: The Impossibles! Also, I know I've been spelling "Jonny" wrong throughout this commentary but I'm too lazy to fix it. So if it was bothering you, you should realize that you might have a problem with being a know-it-all jerko and not some super chill awesome dude like somebody I know! Hint hint: it's me!

The Impossibles, who are giant Magic the Gathering playing nerd bro whinter babies, make a friend who is a girl. So, you know, they live up to their name! The end!

The Ranking!
You know what? I've always hated Jonny Quest. He's such a little prick. And his dog is an asshole too. I don't know why I even began reading this comic book. No wait! I do remember! Because the Herculoids were in it! But they're not in it enough for me to keep reading it. So I'm throwing you in the discard pile, Future Quest! Somebody let me know if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt ever turn up in this thing!

Deathstork #8

Shit, Adeline really got to Supes!

I was disappointed with Batman's guest appearance a few issues ago because he just ignored Deathstork being in his city. I suppose that's the smart thing to do, really. If Batman isn't going to arrest Slade (and he never does!), why bother getting into a tussle with him? It'll just end with a whole bunch of broken walls and windows and skylights. Which, come to think of it, is exactly why Batman should bother! Wayne Wall, Window, and Skylight Repair would make a fortune!

I don't think I'm going to be disappointed with this confrontation though. Superman has a history of solving all of his problems by punching them in the face. Okay, so Batman does as well. But there's no way Priest can pull that "the hero acts reasonably and responsibly" bullshit twice in one story arc! Fans would riot! And Deathstork fans are the worst! They riot whenever somebody points out that Slade Wilson is an unethical, morally repugnant pedophile!

Slade decides to give up without a fight. But that doesn't mean he has to shut up.

Oh my god! He's a bigger nag than Adeline!

Adeline and Slade are really making Superman look like a lazy chump. But Superman just has to put up with it. He knows the crap Slade Wilson has done because Batman probably whines incessantly about Deathstork sometimes being called the Batman Who Kills. But what is he supposed to do about Alisante? Take Deathstork's word for it? Bring Alisante in without any evidence as to why? At least Adeline had warrants on Slade and evidence of his misdeeds. Superman can't just grab anybody off the street (or the ocean) and drop them off with the cops with a note saying, "Bad person. Do something about it." Although on pages two and three of the last issue, Superman was hauling the entire aircraft carrier to land. So maybe he'll use his x-ray vision to see all of the drugs inside the ship. Does Superman need a search warrant or can he use his x-ray vision for probable cause? Not that Superman has to follow the same procedures as police officers do. But I'm sure he probably tries to, for his own peace of mind.

Luckily for me and my need to see Deathstork beat up Superman, Slade fires a shot into Superman's face as he pretends to give up. Superman then begins to do that thing that makes all of his battles last so long. He hits Deathstork as hard as he thinks he can hit him without putting his fist clean through him. It's not hard enough because of Slade's Ikon Suit. So Superman recalculates and tries a little harder. And then a little harder. And then a little harder than that. See? This is why all of Superman's fights aren't just one punch and done. If Superman knew exactly how hard he could hit an opponent without killing them, then his fights would be short. But he has to be extra careful or else the next time he sees Batman, Batman will be all, "Everybody who hasn't killed anybody can sit by me!"

Pounding on Deathstork's Gravity Armor gives Superman a nosebleed from the shock waves bouncing back at him after each punch. Superman just got rope-a-doped! If you don't know what a rope-a-dope is, you should read Catwoman #15 where Ann Nocenti explains it to the idiots reading her garbage.

Meanwhile, Rose learns that Etienne, Joseph's fiance, works for HIVE. Just like Grant! Just like Adeline! Just like maybe not those two and maybe not HIVE but probably! Nobody is who anybody thinks they are in this thing! Even Superman isn't really Superman since he's Preboot Superman!

Apparently, the Ikon Suit isn't Adeline speaking to him. It's just the stupid suit talking. But it sounds like Wintergreen so that maybe Slade will finally let the real Wintergreen retire. Superman is given an earpiece to listen to Ikon Wintergreen because he's even better at philosophical bullshit and making a person feel guilty than both Adeline and Slade combined! He's all, "So what is justice? What laws do you follow? When do you punch a guy in the face and when do you kick him in the nuts? Who told you you could police the world and what Goddamned rulebook do you follow?!"

Through a bunch of legerdemain and distracting balderdash, Deathstork manages to kill his target while Superman flails around like a Magic the Gathering player trying to take off a bra. Sure, I'm assuming the Magic the Gathering player here is a male but I'm not clarifying whether the bra is on himself or a woman he's about to see naked. You know which one is most plausible.

It's as if Priest were given Deathstork to write and told, "Give people a reason to root for him other than the disgusting bloodlust of enjoying seeing baddies sent to Hell!" And he was like, "Sure! No problem! Easy peasy! Why has everybody found this so hard to do?"

In the DC Universe, if you want to show that your character is a huge bad-ass not to be trifled with, you have them kick Lobo's ass. If you want to show that your character has a conscious and possibly a heart and is actually trying to do the right thing even if maybe they go about it in a blood-soaked manner, you have them engage in a conversation with Superman. Deathstork understands that just because something is a law, it doesn't make it lawful. Sure, his morality also offers a chance to put a significant amount of money into his bank account but maybe there's a reason Batman didn't pursue him while he was in Gotham. Batman operates on the same assumption that sometimes doing things legally isn't enough to get the job done. It's just that Deathstork doesn't mind going whole hog into that line of reasoning. I've liked the character of Deathstork for a long time (it's why I have so many of his comic books!) but I've never really liked the way he's been written. There have been the rare exceptions and this series is one of those.

Also, can you imagine if Red Hood and Batman had basically this same kind of conversation? It would go a long way to fixing Red Hood and cementing why he does things the way he does, and why Batman allows him to. I know some people might have a problem with using the word "allow," but, come on! It's Batman! He's the fascist dictator of Gotham ruling from the shadows! What happens in Gotham only happens because he allows it to happen!

Superman brought along Jericho to help stop Deathstork and to convince himself that he's washed the blood from his hands over whatever the hell situation he got himself involved in. It's all Jericho's clusterfuck now! But in the end, Supes does get the satisfaction of punching Deathstork in the face and knocking him out. Clark and Bruce will later probably swap tales of beating up Deathstork over a beer.

In the end, Superman embarrasses the United States by exposing their ties to the drug lord Deathstork just assassinated right under Superman's nose. He does it to show Adeline and everybody else in the government who wants to keep using them to fight their ideological battles that he's not on anybody's side and he won't be manipulated. He's on the side of his own ideology which is, according to Superman, totally the right one. According to Batman, it's totally an infantile one! But hey, like Deathstork or Rose or somebody said earlier in this story arc, "Tomato, tomato."

Superman places Deathstork in the custody of the Coast Guard so that Slade will be able to free himself by next issue. And, finally, Rose Wilson leaves her dad in the present while she heads off to investigate her Hmong past. Also she's being followed by some white guy! Epilogue!

The Ranking!
No change. Isn't it nice to have a Deathstork comic book that's well done, Deathstork fans? Now you don't have to send me angry messages over the Internet every time I bash your precious anti-hero. You see, it's never been my goal to attack Deathstork. I don't have any personal vendetta against any character in popular fiction. What kind of an insane garbage hound do you think I am?! My goal is, to be precise, to attack horrible writing and terrible art! We might disagree on what those are but know that if we do, you're almost certainly wrong. Mostly because the majority of people can't get past their own internal desires that color the world with their bias, and so they defend awful and terrible things simply because they support their cuckoo world view. But I have a secret and it is this: I don't give a shit about anything except being entertained so that I can, for whatever length of time it gives me, be blissfully ignorant and unaware of my eventual descent into the grave. Just be fucking good and entertaining and, maybe on occasion, terribly, terribly smart and witty and so clever my envy will burn as fiery and hot as the interior of a thousand suns. If you're none of those things, my wrath and disgust will burn even hotter.

Deathstork #7

I think I've spent enough time this week Photoshopping covers.

This opening paragraph is for Anonymous: Trump is a stupid head!

Two issues ago, Batman failed to care about apprehending Deathstork. Although he did manage to make Rose Wilson feel guilty about her chosen profession. This issue, Adeline Kane tries to convince Superman to apprehend Deathstork. She makes a pretty good argument. At least I think it's good. She yells at him a lot and makes him feel like a piece of shit. According to Twitter, that's standard debate tactics which usually lead to winning the argument. Twitter defines "winning the argument" as being blocked by the person you were making feel like shit. Currently in America, a lot of people think they're master debaters when they are, in fact, simply assholes.

Superman decides he should bring in Deathstork just so Adeline gets off his case. Adeline needs to be careful. Superman could leave this meeting feeling sympathy for Deathstork.

The short stories in this issue take place all over the past few days. So the Superman thing was thirteen hours ago. Then he caught Deathstork on a battleship for a double page splash before shifting scenes to Joseph now using dead Uncle Dr. Ikon's super suit himself. That's the problem with secret identities. Anybody can kill you and take over, as long as they fit in the costume.

I suppose all of these stories are the final bits and pieces of backstory needed for the conclusion of this story where Superman and Deathstork have a heart-to-heart talk on the roof of the Daily Planet. Superman will learn that Deathstork is a killer but only of bad people. And Dathstork will learn that Superman will believe anything.

Eleven hours before Adeline convinces Superman to go after Deathstork, Slade Wilson pays Adeline a visit at her home in Georgetown. She's remarried but she still has at least one family picture including Slade on the mantle. Is that normal? I mean, I get having the picture. But she hasn't drawn devil horns or blacked out his eyes or anything!

Anyway, Slade has determined that Adeline is the person currently trying to get him killed. Just like I said! Remember how I said that? I totally did. At least, I think I did. Well, if I didn't, I'll just go back and add it into a past commentary so it looks like I had already said it.

While Slade explains what he's learned to Adeline, he remembers creepily watching Rose and Richard fuck.

I hope it doesn't turn out that Pat, Richard's mother and one-time Vigilante, isn't behind the plot to kill Slade because I'm not going back and changing my past commentaries again!

Apparently Adeline and Slade were made for each other because neither one of them can simply express their feelings or needs. Adeline set up all of these dominoes just to get Slade back into her kitchen so she can ask him to accept a contract for HIVE, or whatever organization she works for. Or maybe she just likes being a stinger in his ass. Whatever her reasons, she tells Slade she's going to keep after him. He decides to walk away because he somehow thinks he won't fall for any more of her intricate games in the future. He's got a surprise with a capital "S" in store for him!

At some point during the past day, Slade pays a visit to Pat the Ex-Vigilante.

Pat probably had a stroke from everybody constantly telling her how terrible her costume was.

Slade's current job to kill some rich person on a personal aircraft carrier goes tits up when his current — I don't know what to call him — you know, the guy who helps him on the radio while he's on a mission? Oh! His Oracle! Anyway, his Oracle gets a call from Joseph's fiance letting him know who he's really working for. Hosun, the Oracle, apparently didn't realize he was working for the guy who fucked his mother. Or killed his mother? I don't know but I guess Hosun is Rose's half-brother? Maybe? I'm fucking speculating like crazy here! Anyway, after Hosun cuts off his help, Deathstork has to finally activate the Ikon suit that he was forced to wear due to the initial bits of Adeline's Rube Goldbergian plan. And once he turns it on, Adeline is able to contact him and she's all, "Fucking Christ, you idiot. Why couldn't you have turned this thing on six issues ago?! Now look at what you made me do!" And that's when Superman tears open the side of the battleship to beat the shit out of Deathstork.

At least, I think it was Adeline talking to him over the Ikon Suit! This series doesn't like to easily reveal its secrets. That must make it hard for people who have to wait two weeks for each new issue to remember everything. But that's their own problem. They should start a blog to help them remember the plots of all the comic books they're reading!

The Ranking!
No change. I'm still loving this comic book even if I don't always know what's going on because I eventually discover what's going on! That's the way stories are supposed to work! I hate when comic books are confusing and then they stay confusing and they never explain themselves because the writer really never had a plan in the first place. But Priest seems to have like a dozen plans in place and they're all paying off!

Deathstork #6

Why is Slade making moose antlers?

Here's an anonymous message sent to me via Tumblr today:

Your reviews are actually kind of funny, but Jesus Christ lay off the Trump references. As a Clinton voter, I'm sick of the low lame jabs.

As anonymous messages go, it's pretty polite! Practically even a compliment! I mean, the "kind of funny" is sort of an off-hand slam that really hurt my feelings. But then everything else about the message seems like a lie, so I probably shouldn't care too much that the messenger didn't say my reviews are uproariously hilarious like they probably should have. I'm sure there are Clinton voters who still consider themselves "Clinton voters" who really hate people making fun of Trump because everybody has a right to be stupid, even Democrats (or people pretending to be Democrats!). But to categorize my slanderous comments about Trump as "low lame jabs"?! Come on! Those jabs were uppercuts! And right hooks! And they were intelligent and cutting! You know how else I know this person didn't actually vote for Clinton? Because they typed "Jesus Christ" with the appropriate capitalization! People who voted for Clinton were obviously atheists and Satanists who would never invoke the name of Christ! I'm too smart for you, Anon!

Look, Anon. If you want to read my stupid reviews, you might have to put up with me expressing opinions that will differ from yours. You can't go around being angry or annoyed every time somebody says something with which you don't agree. But you must realize that I was never going to take your suggestion seriously, right?! I mean, you'll probably never read another one of my reviews ever again! You stumbled upon them today, felt you needed to express yourself to the void of the Internet because nobody else will listen to your Magic Deck making strategies, and probably have already moved on! I would be as pathetic as Cullen Bunn thinks I am if I changed my ways for a disgruntled, anonymous drive-by commenter!

I take it you think I mention sucking dick and masturbating just the right amount though?

This issue begins with Deathstork back in Sub-Saharan Africa. I guess things there weren't completely resolved after he rescued Wintergreen and fucked over the president of the country. I guess he's there to save the president of the country after giving him ample time to think about how he tried to fuck over Slade. Being a villain is hard. You can't trust anybody. It must be nice to have a guy like Wintergreen in your corner who will do anything you say no matter how crazy because he loves you unapologetically.

The president's name is Matthew but he likes to be called Red Lion. But he doesn't matter. Also on the plane is Rose's boyfriend Richard. Apparently he was the one who put the hit out on Rose. I guess that's why all of the subterfuge last issue. It was Slade's way of telling Rose he loves her! By keeping her in the dark about how her boyfriend tried to have her killed. He's so sweet!

Meanwhile Rose is meeting with her brother Joseph to discuss Slade trying to kill her. Joseph isn't too sympathetic because Slade nearly got him killed a long time ago. Also, Slade killed Joseph in the Preboot Universe. But he did it because Joseph wanted him to and because the Wildebeest story had been dragging on for years with no end in sight. Even though I liked Jericho back then, I was glad to see that story arc end!

Oh, well that finally explains that! I was tired of being too stupid to understand what was going on! I mean, pretending I was too stupid! It was a joke! Ha ha! And you fell for it!

Okay! I think I finally understand what is going on! I sort of already understood though because Wintergreen explained it all to Rose about how her father doesn't know how to express affection. Look at what kind of trouble can happen when you don't just hug your parents? Not that the child should be blamed for lacking the ability to have close, intimate contact with their family members (not that kind of intimate contact, you pervert!). I can probably count on my fingers the number of times I hugged my grandparents and I loved the fuck out of them! Plus I have all my fingers! Just for, you know, clarification.

I saw this quote recently that may or may not have actually been said by F. Scott Fitzgerald: "An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke!" I added the exclamation point because I imagine he probably yelled this at somebody who used too many exclamation points. I use a lot of exclamation points but I assure you, I only use them when the sentence preceding the punctuation mark makes me laugh. Or I'm excited. Or angry. Sometimes all of those! See, I was excited there but not angry and I wasn't laughing. The point to this is that from now on, because he was so critical of the exclamation point which I love, I'm only going to refer to him as F! Scott Fitzgerald.

This issue is filled with editor's notes about other issues because this issue is beginning to tie up a lot of loose ends. The various short stories making up the narrative are beginning to meld into one coherent story in which Deathstork probably disovers Adelaide is behind kidnapping Wintergreen and getting Deathstork back in his suit and turning his children against him and getting him to team up with the Red Lion. Or it's totally different. I'm tired of being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Sometimes I'd just like to admit that I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Oh shit! Richard is that Luis! The one that got involved in gang activity in Gotham because his mother, Pat, put the maid in charge of him while she went out to fight crime as Vigilante!

Richard (aka Luis) hates Deathstork because Richard's mother, Pat, abandoned him to go be Vigilante at Deathstork's side. Also because she was on the run from the police but she really super wanted to be at Deathstork's side. And when he told her he works alone and wouldn't let her come with him, she made the worst cry face in the history of comic books. I think I have the scan around here somewhere.

I can't tell if she's crying or she's in shock due to her brains leaking out of her eyeballs.

Whoa. I'm starting to feel like a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader again! Self-doubt can stuff it!

Meanwhile, Joseph (not Jericho as the previous writer of Deathstork thought his actual name was) meets with Uncle Dr. Ikon to let him know that he's getting married to his sign translator. I know a few signs! I know helicopter and cookie and raccoon and boy and hungry and horny and vagina and cunt. I learned most of those from Signing Times on PBS. I learned the last two from Lee Mack's stand-up. What I'm trying to say is that I might not actually know any of those signs well at all. The ones from Lee Mack because he was a comedian on stage making jokes. Do I trust that?! And the ones from Signing Times because I learned them watching barely verbal toddlers do them while shaking from yet-to-be mastered motor control and flipping the fuck out from excitement.

Anyway, Uncle Dr. Ikon has the best response to a friend confiding their love for somebody that I've ever seen.

I highly doubt anybody who knows me at this point in my life will ever confide in me about their love for another but if they do, I'm not ashamed to say I'll be stealing this response.

Uncle Dr. Ikon has a bit more of a reason to say "I love my cat" to Joseph's declaration that he loves a woman than just being snarky. He's been in a relationship with Joseph for some time, so he's making a comment on the different kinds of love and that maybe Joseph's love for Etienne is like Uncle Dr. Ikon's love for his cat. I don't mean pure and unadulterated and the best kind of love ever in the world forever and ever! I mean the kind of love where you probably aren't going to engage in sex. But Joseph points out that he refuses to be labeled and he'll love and, probably, fuck whomever he wants to fuck. I should also probably stop calling him Uncle Dr. Ikon now because that's a level of creepy that I didn't realize was going to be reached when I began calling him that.

Uncle Dr. Ikon (I decdided not to stop) refuses to accept bisexuality, especially when he's losing his lover to it. Instead of gracefully staying Joseph's secret dick on the side, Uncle Dr. Ikon decides to tattle to Deathstork that his son is a big gay homo fucking his big gay homo uncle. Knowing Deathstork's sexual history, I imagine that will elicit little more than a shrug. But Joseph decides he can't take the chance and enters Uncle Dr. Ikon one last time (or maybe for the first time. Not all gay sexual relations result in sodomy, you know. Oral and hand jobs are quite satisfactory for satisfying certain disgusting urges (I don't mean those urges are only disgusting when gay people have them! Everybody's urges are totally disgusting. Mine resulted in performing a rimjob this morning!)). But this time, Joseph enters him as Jericho in the usual way: eye contact! He then turns off Uncle Dr. Ikon's suit and allows him to plummet to his death. Possibly. The issue ends before Uncle Dr. Ikon ends.

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! Christopher Priest reached back and plucked out Luis from Marv Wolfman's 90s Deathstork comic book! I mean, that's crazy! Maybe not Geoff Johns crazy or Alan Moore crazy. And because it's just Luis, it's a little bit boring. Also, I don't know that Luis didn't become some huge character during the Naughts! Maybe everybody reading this comic book knew right away who Richard was. Anyway, Luis is a good example of how this comic is really building a great foundation for the Rebirth Deathstork to be more than DC's Punisher with a worse costume. I'm enjoying the complexity of the entire story and how it's all coming together.

Deathstork #5

The worst thing about Deathstork is that he's probably a Trump supporter.

Deathstork has come to Gotham to get in a fight with Batman. Maybe he actually came to get Batman's help but he decided the best way to ask for help was to kidnap Damian. So, my first statement was correct. It also makes Deathstork a coward! How about fighting Batman in a comic book that doesn't have "Deathstork" on the cover?

Thanks to the inclusion of the last sentence of that paragraph, I had to go back and Photoshop the cover!

I'm going to lose all respect for Batman (not that I had much (or any?) left!) if he doesn't arrest Slade Wilson after he's done working with him. I suppose I have to give Rebirth Deathstork the benefit of the doubt that he isn't a child rapist. I suppose Deathstork hasn't been a child rapist since pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths, right? To be fair to myself and my bias and my inability to let that aspect of the character go, he did manipulate and sleep with an underage girl! I mean, the pre-Crisis Deathstork did! This Rebirth Deathstork might only have boners for appropriately aged women and Wintergreen. I suppose I should give him a chance.

Although what's up with this quote by George Pérez that I found while doing heavy duty research by typing "tara markov Judas Contract" into Google and deciding the Wikipedia entry would be the most educational link?

"I wanted her to be cute but not beautiful. She looked like a young girl. I gave her a substantial overbite, her eyes were wide, her body was slim, she wasn't particularly busty. I wanted her to look almost elven, so that when you see her for the first time wearing full-make up and dressed in a provocative outfit where you know she's just been in bed with Deathstroke that it does jab you a bit. 'Whoa, good God! This little girl is a slut!'"

George, you don't mind if I twist your words a little bit which, to be quite frank, don't really need much twisting! But you thought the best way to portray Tara was to make her look like a little girl so that when the readers discovered Deathstork was fucking her, they'd think, "Woah, good God! This little girl is a slut!"? I think this is the part of the conversation where the young people would say something like "I can't even!" But since I'm old, I totally fucking can. That's fucking messed up! I didn't read The Judas Contract when it came out because I didn't really get into DC Comics until Crisis on Infinite Earths. But if I had, I can tell you I wouldn't have thought Tara was a slut! And I was only twelve! I would have thought, "Why are they naked in bed together? Is that doing it?! Are they doing it!? Oh my god! Am I reading pornography?!"

Okay, so twelve year old me wasn't quite as sophisticated as forty-five year old me! Now I would read that and think, "Whoa! She's only like fifteen and she's doing it! Lucky!" I mean, I would be all, "Deathstork is obviously a pedophile and he's manipulating an emotionally wrecked child who desperately needs a father figure. Too bad she found one that doesn't understand boundaries and, apparently, the fucking law." Not that I know what the legal age of consent was in New York in 1984! I suppose I could do more hard-boiled investigating but I don't want to open another browser window. But even if it were sixteen and Slade didn't break the letter of the law, he certainly behaved poorly! But replace "poorly" with a stronger synonym! I'd look one up but, you know, browser window!

In other words, I'm going to give Christopher Priest's Rebirth Deathstork a clean slate! I mean, maybe not totally clean! I don't think you can ever totally wipe away the pedophilia.

Oh! They're using my plan! Except without a sniper rifle!

Just like I expected, Batman refuses to be sucked in. He doesn't negotiate with terrorists and child kidnappers! Besides, now he has the night free of Damian! Maybe not the whole night though because how long will Slade be able to handle Damian? Three, four hours tops?

Rose manages to follow Batman back to his Batmobile, impressing him, so he agrees to hang out with her for the night. Batman doesn't even know what he's agreeing to! I suppose when you're as overconfident and cocky as Batman, you can afford to go blindly into almost certain death. Or at least yet another fistfight with Deathstork.

That was the first short story. It was called "Lost". The second short story is called "In League". Like "In League with the Devil", right? But which one is the devil? Slade? Batman? Rose? Oh, I know! Damian, obviously!

Robin has been chained to the bottom of a water silo slowly filling up with water. It's a classic TV Batman cliffhanger! "Can the Robin swim to safety?! Or will the Boy Wonder go under...forever!" It's a typical cliffhanger situation so the scene changes after Robin points out how he defeated Deathstork in their last confrontation by throwing money at him.

The third short story is called "The Why". Rose tells Batman that they're trying to find the person who put out a hit on her. Batman tells Rose basically the same thing Wintergreen told Rose (minus the stuff about how he loves Slade's ass): "Slade Wilson is a manipulative bastard who uses everybody for his own ends and why are you looking at me like that I'm nothing like him!"

In the fifth short story, "Father's Day", Robin references Maude. How the hell does Robin know about that show? I know it's on those stations that play nothing but television from thirty or more years ago but when does Damian have time to watch television? Maybe he just has a bunch of MP3s of the worlds best television theme songs because Maude's theme song kicks ass. Although the line about Joan of Arc being a girl who really cooked might be crossing a problematic line.

Damian and Slade have a nice father-son chat while Rose and Bruce do the same (except for the son parts being daughter parts). I think in both situations, the Waynes have all the power. Although Slade might be trying to get Damian to reveal something Damian shouldn't reveal. Damian is cocky and inexperienced enough to understand he should just shut up. Meanwhile, Batman is just trying to point out to Rose that Slade is a dick and maybe she shouldn't be emulating him.

Batman just uses Rose as his sidekick for the night while he waits for Damian to escape from Slade's clutches. Robin eventually does by blowing up his head. I mean, not his entire head. Apparently Robin has a fake skullcap made of explosives that he can detonate. He only uses it right before he's about to drown because Damian was in power and he was the one trying to get information out of Slade. But he wasn't successful. Now he gets to flirt with Rose because she's totally into Batman's wards.

Remember what Wintergreen said, Rose! Slade just doesn't know how to say "I love you!" without it sounding like he put out a hit on you!

Meanwhile, Deathstork is still on the hunt for somebody. If he put out the hit on Rose, I don't know why he's still looking into it. But he is! So could Batman have been...wrong?!

The Ranking!
No change. Can you believe this shit? A Deathstork in Gotham story and he doesn't get into a physical confrontation with Batman! I feel so unfulfilled! My stomach hurts because there was no catharsis from the escalating tension waiting for the expected conflict! It's like The Blair Witch Project all over again! BLARG! That was me vomiting from being so wound up without any release! I think I need to go out in public and punch somebody in the face to feel better! They'll probably understand, right?

Justice League #10

Batman about to punch the fuck out of that giant fist.

Why is this story called "Outbreak"? It has yet to feature one diseased monkey who spreads the virus all over the...oh. Oh shit, Hitch. That's fucking racist, dude.

It seemed like the story was winding down last issue because Batman figured out the source of the virus and it was just some guy named James Palmer whose wife was killed in the Kindred's attack on Earth. Thankfully, she was the only victim of that attack or else the Justice League would be battling hundreds or thousands of angry widows and widowers. But since he's just some hacker, I would have thought the Justice League showing up at his door to arrest him would be the end of the story. Since it wasn't, I figured this issue would be about the Justice League apologizing to him and getting him to see things from their point of view and hopefully arresting him anyway and calling child services to remove the kids from the house. But since this cover shows a giant fist trying to crush the shit out of the Justice League, it looks like James Palmer isn't going down that easy. He also goes by the nickname Jesse James (or James Jesse?) so maybe he's the Rebirthed Trickster. Or Team Rocket.

James Palmer acts like he doesn't know what's going on so maybe this whole widower's revenge thing has been a red herring. Maybe somebody just stole his code and used him as a patsy to get even with the Justice League. Maybe James Palmer should be throwing his daughter under the bus because she probably stole her father's code and manipulated it to destroy the Justice League using her iPad! I mean her uSphere! uPad? I know it seems implausible (like, you know, the rest of the story) but DC loves its super genius young people! Typically, young people are running around smoking to show off in front of their peers and finger banging each other in the snack bar at the roller rink. But not in the DC Universe! Here they're solving unsolvable math problems and building impossible technology in their basements!

If it does turn out James Palmer didn't release the malicious code into the world on photons, then he definitely was jerking off to violent porn in the garage.

Need somebody to gossip? How about an unflattering drawing of some women?

James Palmer asks the Justice League why they're visiting him and none of them say, "We just wanted to offer our condolences and apologize (even though we shouldn't have to) for not being able to save your wife. I mean, we saved over six billion people so, mathematically, we saved 100% of the people on Earth, you know?" Instead, Batman says, "We were attacked and we're not going to stand for it!"

James Palmer admits that he was going to engage in cyber-crime and steal from LexCorps and Wayne Industries so he'd have money to help the victims of the Kindred attack. Wonder Woman is all, "He's telling the truth. Just look at him. You think this jerk could have programmed photons? No fucking way. We're looking for somebody from Apocalypse! Probably."

Half of the Justice League is truly perplexed that James Palmer isn't angry at the Justice League for the death of his wife. They really have a skewed perception of the world, thanks to terrible writers. Hell, even generally good writers fall for that bullshit. Check out the ending of Gail Simone's New 52 Batgirl #1 for some really stupid blaming the hero bullshit.

I guess Lily isn't into being finger banged down at the roller rink.

I bet the more Lily talked about her genius, the bigger Batman's sidekick boner grew.

I don't want a program like Genie. I want a site where you simply enter in the object you want and it mysteriously gets delivered to your house, no questions asked. I'd call it Monkey's Paw and nothing could possibly go wrong at all!

The Genie App was on Lily's uPad and being used by her little brother because it was his only friend. Has this story just been some kind of Freudian parable? James Palmer is the superego, Lily is the ego, and Bobby is the id? The Genie App is the body acting out the wishes of the subconscious which causes a lot of trouble since it's acting out on the id's wishes. Not that the id knows what it's asking Genie to do, of course. It's just hurt and angry and overriding the social mores of the superego and the common sense of the ego. And Lily obviously stole the code from her father due to her raging penis envy.

Genie is still playing the game so somebody needs to teach it Tic Tac Toe before it sends Amazo or the Shaggy Man to destroy them all.

Instead of just hacking some of Professor Ivo's robots, Genie offers the combined fortunes of Luthor and Wayne to any villain that can destroy the Justice League. Most villains know they can't destroy the Justice League but the dumber ones will probably respond to this challenge. At least the ones that aren't in jail after having responded to Two-Face's challenge to kill just Batman for a ton of money.

Double Down attacks first which is super exciting because who? I mean, I remember, vaguely, making fun of his name in some previous comic book. I think he pulls cards out of his skin or something just as gross. Next up is Giganta which means this neighborhood is fucked. That's what happens when superheroes come to your neighborhood in the DC Universe. They simply make it more dangerous! They're like guns. They offer the illusion of safety but are rarely needed and actually just increase the chances of somebody getting hurt or killed.

Giganta is knocked down and the Justice League begin fighting the new assailants from the safety of her crotch.

The villains who are willing to throw their freedom away for the chance at 750 billion dollars are Double Down, Giganta, Count Vertigo, Gizmo, Plastique, Girder, Psimon, Coldsnap and Heatstroke, Jinx, Mammoth, Major Disaster, and Shimmer. I suppose I could have shortened part of that list by just saying The Fearsome Five and part of the Masters of Disaster.

Batman takes the family inside the house to keep them safe and promptly fails because the Scarecrow was waiting inside for them. How the Scarecrow got here so quickly, I can only guess. Maybe he has a Scarecrow Plane called The Raven? Or the Fear Jet? Oh, and that whole list of villains I mentioned who received a double splash page to make things seem exciting and tense? They're defeated off-panel immediately because there's only one page left and the real threat needs to be introduced for the next issue: Amazo!

This neighborhood is fucked. It looks like there will be more civilians looking to get revenge on the Justice League soon!

The Ranking
No change. On the page opposite the Amazo reveal is an advert for the Rebirth Justice League trade by Bryan Hitch. The first review blurb by IGN says, "Some really thrilling artwork that establishes incredible scope and danger." You know what that's code for: "We couldn't think of anything positive to say about Bryan Hitch's terrible writing but the art is well done!" And since the art is by Tony S. Daniel, I imagine "establishes incredible scope and danger" is actually code for "two or three huge double splash pages!"

Justice League #9

Barry and Diana take in the sites in San Francisco.

My favorite place to visit in San Francisco is the Ripley's Believe It or Not! Museum. Where else in the world can you wander musty halls looking at newspaper clippings stapled to the wall that describe the most fantastic people and events and ask you, without any more proof, to believe it or not! I think some people treat places like Natural History Museums this same way! Hell, they treat reality this way! "Let's see. I'll believe the article from a fringe conspiracy site which, if I look around the web, has been copy and pasted with all of the same exact typos to dozens of different 'news' sites but I'm not going to believe an article with references and sources because it's totally biased and shit." Fuck you.

Batman and Alfred begin working on identifying where the malicious code came from. I don't want to criticize Batman but there's surely an easier way to figure out who has attacked the Justice League without rooting through computer code. You know that the last tragedy the Justice League prevented from destroying the world resulted in one death. And you know how people always blame the person who didn't save their dead family member instead of blaming the thing that caused the death, right? Well shit! It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes' stupid, younger, rarely heard of brother to figure this case out! Go to Denver and start beating the shit out of Diane Palmer's husband! Or daughter, maybe? One of them, for sure though!

Meanwhile in San Francisco, Simon Baz's ring is kicking everybody's ass. While Aquaman is being killed by it, he mutters, "Never would have happened to Jordan." I'm not going to do the research on this but I'm willing to bet it, and worse, has happened to Jordan! He's been around for too long not to have had some shitty ass writer write this same exact story previously! Plus, Jordan is so cocky that he probably once dared some evil mastermind to hack his ring and then his ring was hacked and he was all, "Oops!" And Barry was probably in the background muttering, "Never would have happened to Guy Gardner."

These assholes were more destructive than the Kindred!

The damage in the above scan is just the beginning. Simon's ring knocks him the fuck out with one punch from a light construct boxing glove and the ring begins flipping the fuck out again. Aquaman's big suggestion is to run because...well, because he's Aquaman and he sucks.

How cute. Look at Bryan Hitch trying to do the science!

While The Flash outraces the light construct Omega Beams, Aquaman goes underwater to make the sea life battle for him. They probably win or something because who cares? Aquaman is the worst.

I guess Superman is on vacation with Lois at the Hoover Dam? I suppose nobody has contacted him for help. It's not like Batman would call him. And Batman isn't even worried about the rest of the team having to battle a Green Lantern ring. He's too busy trying to trace the source of the code.

Batman figures out the source of the code before Alfred can even finish making tea. You'll be completely surprised by the culprit: Diane Palmer's husband, James!

It isn't logical at all! Not at all! FUCK YOU!

How fucking sad is it that I knew who the culprit was after reading the first page of this story arc? Fuck you idiot writers with this whole blame the heroes for not saving somebody killed by a villain. Just eat a dick. Unless you enjoy eating dick and then eat some dog shit.

I suppose there might be a few writers at DC who enjoy eating both dick and dog shit but I figure those two choices probably cover a substantial amount of them.

Cyborg kills himself which allows him to reboot without the malicious code. Because that totally works on other machines. Sometimes when my computer is running super slow because I've looked at so much Dark Net Porn that it's absolutely riddled with viruses, I just reboot and everything is okay. Maybe what Cyborg did was more akin to reinstalling the operating system? It's the same thing that happens to the Green Lantern ring although I don't know why. Flash's idea to stop the ring is to attack Simon with deadly force so that the ring would reboot to factory settings which destroys the code and saves Simon's life! Somehow.

Now I want to read a murder mystery written by Bryan Hitch because he seemingly has no idea how to write a story using cause and effect. I think he just gets an idea for a bad thing to happen and then makes up a stupid way for that bad thing to be introduced. Then he writes some dramatic action scenes until the page count is almost over and then he comes up with a stupid thing which saves the day but makes no sense and can be explained by an analogy that has no relationship to the event. Then he has a self-congratulatory jerk off while lying on his back and tries to catch his load in his own mouth.

After Simon's ring is defeated by nonsense, the Justice League head to Denver to have a word with James Palmer. Maybe two words! Two words and six middle fingers!

The Ranking!
-1 Ranking! Bryan Hitch is terrible and this story is his worst so far. Maybe his editors are worse because it really isn't Bryan Hitch's responsibility to know how many times the Justice League has had to battle a family member of a victim who blame the Justice League! But somebody should have been, "You know. We really already had this story in the last five years with the David Graves story. And then there was the Superman and Wonder Woman story with Magog that nobody probably remembers. And, I mean, even if you have Batman saying that blaming the heroes who failed to save a loved one is logical, it very fucking well isn't at all. So stop this stupid bullshit and write something original and interesting! Plus get off of that glory hole; you've been bogarting it for like ever, Bryan!"