Action Comics #967

Ah ha ha! What a crazy mix-up!

Look, my suspension of disbelief can take Clark Kent wearing his costume underneath his clothes. But I'm not buying that Lex pays for clothing fitted to hang over his armor! It's not like he's hiding his secret identity. Plus, he's smarter than Luke Fox so shouldn't he have one of those suits that puts itself on you when you dive out of a window? I'm probably not supposed to question the cover because it's just a joke. It's super funny too! Look at all the buttons flying everywhere! I bet Lois and Mercy are sick of sewing them back onto these guys's shirts.

Oh! I have an idea for showing our displeasure with Donald Trump! The day he takes office, everybody should Tweet him photos of their bowel movements every time they have one. Can you imagine how furious he'd be having to see millions of shits every day! I mean, he'll probably just have an assistant manage his Twitter when that begins to happen. But you know he'd ask, every day, if the shit pics were still coming in. How long before it would be a crime to send a picture of a shit, if that happened? Of course, we'd all still have to do it! It's not like anybody would take that law seriously! And just so we all get in the habit of doing it, from now until Trump's inauguration, we should tweet our bowel movements to Nigel Farage. I might buy a Smartphone just to do this! Who's with me?!

This is the first page! I knew Lois should have never been given her reporting job back!

L'call and Zade are the guys hunting Superman. They're Time Cops or something and they've come to kill Superman before he winds up destroying Earth and probably the Omniverse too. I mean, you don't hunt somebody through time if they're just going to jaywalk next week. I don't know if these guys are from the future or if they just heard a prophecy from a friend of a friend and are now acting on it. It's not like Superman has done anything horrible yet. I don't think. If this is time travel shenanigans, or alternate timeline knavery, then Superman can be blamed for practically anything and how can he defend himself?

The Time Cops might also be looking for somebody other than Superman. Especially since they sensed the "Annihilator" was nearby while in Metropolis and Superman is currently in the Amazon with Superboy tearing down trees. He discovers the Geneticron building there. I guess he figured out where it was with his Clark Kent investigative journalist skills. Once he finds it, he just leaves it there. He'll probably get Batman to figure out how to return it to Metropolis.

"Joshua Williamson takes a tired story--The Flash battles somebody faster than himself--and makes it more tireder!" -- Grunion Guy!

Lois Lane is busy interviewing Lex Luthor. She discovers that Lex's armor is linked to a Mother Box which makes him more dangerous than she already believed he was. But before she can get him to admit that he's still a big selfish jerk whose motivation to be Superman has nothing to do with keeping Metropolis safe, the Daily Planet is attacked!

Oh! Luthor does have the kind of armor that attaches itself after you fall out of a window!

Clark Kent uses his signal watch to summon Superman because nobody believes that whoever is attacking is a job for Lex Luthor. Especially when Lex Luthor is the job of the Time Cop attackers! Lex is destined to replace Darkseid and rule Apokolips which is why Godslayer and his buddy, Zade, have come to Earth to kill him. Idiots! Don't they know how time works? If Lex becomes Darkseid, he'll always become Darkseid! Going back in time to stop him is most assuredly the place he gets the idea to become Darkseid, along with the anger at Godslayer and the people Lex will eventually kill! "You all come back in time to kill me? Well, I'll kill you first!" Boom! Self-fulfilling time travel prophecy!

The Review
-1 Ranking. This comic books falls in the charts for two reasons: using time travel and motivation and introducing antagonists whose only reason for existing is to destroy the protagonists. Now the citizens of Metropolis who think Superman is more of a threat to Metropolis than a boon are justified in their beliefs! Because any collateral damage caused by this attack is absolutely Superman's fault. I mean, Lex Luthor Superman's fault, of course! But Superman is just lucky that this one time it isn't entirely his fault that aliens are attacking Metropolis.

Action Comics #966

Did Superman just get done fucking that cloud?

I'm not terribly excited about reading this issue because that header, "Lois Lane, Back at the Planet," doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. Last issue was about that and it had no action in it at all. Maybe that's why Superman is trying to obfuscate the title.

I don't know if the issue begins with Superman throwing Superboy toward the house at hundreds of miles per hour or Lois Lane imagining that her husband thinks that's a good idea. The stupid kid got a concussion falling out of a tree! Should Superman really be throwing Jon at high velocity and hoping his kid doesn't smash into the ground? I'm just going to assume that this is Lois's fantasy and not something that really happened.

Earlier, Preboot Lois broke into Lois's apartment and she was caught by Superwoman. Not Lois Lane Superwoman since she's dead. She was caught by Lana Lang Superwoman.

No, she admitted she is her! Why doesn't anybody listen anymore?! Thanks, Trump!

Before Preboot Lois and Lana get into a super hot fight, Superman shows up to throw cold water on me. I mean them. That's when Superwoman drops her disguise and says, "Surprise! It's me! Clark's first handjob!"

After Lana's revelation that she and Lois Lane received super powers when New 52 Superman died, Preboot Lois logs into Lois's computer and instantly finds a video message from Lois to Preboot Lois. I would complain about how computers don't work like that but I should probably be thankful I didn't have to read two pages of Lois searching through Lois's laptop for pertinent information.

Jeez, Lois! Who said you had the right to reveal Lana Lang's secret identity?! First she nearly destroys Superman by blabbing his secret identity, and now she could have ruined Lana too!

The rest of the message will probably be, "Now that I'm dead, you should take over being me! And when you do that, try to stop mentioning that there was ever another Lois. Pretty soon, everybody will completely forget this dual Lois and Clark nonsense!"

Before Lois gets to the part where Preboot Lois should take over her identity so that nobody is sad, she decides to freak them out by implying that her sickness brought on by her superpowers might be a sickness that could kill anybody with superpowers! Great reporting, Lois! Could you at least wait until you have some evidence or solid sources before you freak everybody out! You probably just got Super-Cancer from inhaling the cremated remains of a Kryptonian. It's probably a lot like inhaling asbestos. Those Superman bits in your lungs are just going to lodge in there forever, and probably just get stronger and bigger the longer you stay in the sun.

How?! I thought Lana was supposed to be a super genius!

Preboot Lois Lane takes over for dead Lois Lane and everything is one step closer to forgetting The New 52 ever happened! Now if Superman can just take care of that extra Clark Kent, he can get back to working for the Daily Planet too! Then in a few years, everybody will be all, "The New Fifty What?"

There's an epilogue that features that guy whose roommate is a miniature Apokolips with Superman's symbol burned onto it. He summons a big beast of a man named Zade. I think they're intergalactic police and they're hunting Superman because he's a murderer. I don't know which Superman they're hunting though. Probably the Lex Luthor one. He seems like the most murdery of them all.

The Review!
If I'm just a reader and I'm completely sick of these stories that are simply packing away any evidence of The New 52, imagine how tired the writers must be! This shit is boring. Dan Jurgens just had to expand the editorial mandate "Put Preboot Lois back at the Daily Planet" into forty pages! I suppose Dan Jurgens could have had fun with it and made some crazy, whimsical, nonsense story reminiscent of Action Comics in the sixties. But instead, he decided to treat it like work and trudge from Point A to Point B in the most boring and obvious way possible. Hopefully he comes up with a more enjoyable story about the death of Clark Kent and Preboot Superman's usurping of his life.

Detective Comics #945

I can't tell if this is going to be a Killer Croc issue or that face is just another member of the Victim Syndicate!

This issue begins with Batman trying to find out what the First Victim said to Spoiler. But Spoiler just points out that if Batman unmasks, nobody will be hurt by the Victim Syndicate. Oh, okay. Is that where we are? We're giving in to terrorist threats now? Because that always works so well! Batman is the answer to terrorist threats! Just like in the first episode of the first season of Black Mirror, nobody should be discussing giving in to the demands no matter what is being threatened! Like when a corporation threatens to move its business out of the country unless it gets a tax break, you can't give in or else it becomes a pattern of behavior that other corporations will exploit! I don't even have children and I understand how this shit works! If you give the stupid bastard a cookie because it won't eat dinner otherwise, it's always going to expect a fucking cookie! And if the kid is smart, the cookie demands will escalate!

Although now that I mentioned Black Mirror, I really wish the First Victim had demanded to see Batman fuck a pig.

Steph points out that the First Victim just wanted to make sure Spoiler was okay. Because they didn't really want to hurt her or anybody else for that matter. They're the good guys here! Anybody they hurt is because of Batman. It's because Batman won't do what they want. How dare Batman not view the world in the way that they view the world and take responsibility for being the terrible person they say he is! What a gross, disgusting, problematic jerko!

In other news, Steph has now been groomed by the Victim Syndicate and she's ready to join the movement! Probably.

Batman just drives around Gotham City in his Batmobile like he's going out on errands. I wonder what insurance company he uses? Does he even need insurance? I bet avoiding tickets from speed cameras, parking tickets, and damages from hit and run accidents are the main reason he has a secret identity. Why bother with insurance when nobody can find you?

Batman begins trying to figure out who The First Victim might be by going over all of the people hurt during his escapades. But so many people have been hurt, he can't remember them all! Unless he can't remember them because the Dionesium that cured his brain also cured his guilt over the victims who he couldn't save. But also, why would Batman want to unmask the First Victim? That seems hypocritical! If he won't unmask, shouldn't he let the First Victim's identity remain secret too?

All of the Batkids are about to have psych evaluations to make sure they're fit for the team. I imagine they only have to score higher than Batman scored on his psych evaluation, right? Do people get scores on these things or is it just a pass/fail kind of thing?

Not a lot of action taking place in this issue as the Bat-Team wait for the Victim Syndicate to attack again. While they're waiting around, everybody contemplates their psychological problems. Batman is guilty and feeling responsible for the collateral damage that takes place when he tries to stop villains from killing and hurting people. Spoiler avoids talking about Tim Drake's death. Clayface deals with his lack of morality caused by using his powers. And Batwoman is having the mother of all Daddy Issues. Kate is also super annoyed that Luke Fox doesn't seem to have any problems. But then she doesn't know about his sister who was fucked up by Ratcatcher. Unless it was something different caused by somebody else!

Meanwhile, The First Victim pays a visit to Thompkins Free Clinic. I hope Jean-Paul Valley gets killed! I've been waiting for that day for so long!

I'm so sick of Batman having to deal with teenagers who think they've got everything figured out!

I don't understand this whole thing about "everybody else's expense." When did Batman become the guy ruining everybody else's lives? If you don't want to work with him because he always lies and has an agenda (an terrible agenda to keep people as safe as possible!), maybe don't work with him! He's not thinking of himself when he takes in young people to try to focus their grief and anger at the world into something positive. If he were thinking of himself, he'd ditch them all. Who needs the headache?! He's not thinking of himself and feeling better by sacrificing his own possibility for a life of happiness just to feel better about himself! Although Spoiler's words might be hitting home a little bit since possibly the only reason Batman took in Tim Drake was to feel better. Because Tim was really the only stable kid who didn't actually need Batman's care and guidance. So why take him in? Probably because it made Batman feel good. So the one selfish act Batman has taken in the past decade or more resulted in Tim's death. That only proves that Batman needs to stop pursuing "feeling better" and get back to kicking the asses of assholes who want to make everybody feel worse.

The Review
No change. Even though technically this feels like an old school Detective Comics book, as I've been saying, it also has signs of bringing Batman closer to the 21st Century. I can feel James Tynion bringing the next generation's beliefs and ideals into the heart of this book. Some of it is super annoying because it's still just young people thinking they know the way of the world while really just being typical young people. But also, it just kind of goes about its business with fitting into a modern sensibility. I mean, sometimes it calls attention to itself like when the word "they" was typed in bold type when Dr. Thompkins references The First Victim, just so, you know, you realize she's using the correct pronoun for describing a person whose gender is unknown. But overall, I don't find myself rolling my eyes at anything other than the way teenagers act. Fucking Spoiler is really getting on my nerves! I don't care if she's mourning! She's making me like Jean-Paul Valley by comparison!

Here's a picture of me with my niece because I look like a fucking superhero here! This must have been taken with some kind of filter!

Detective Comics #944

Batman lurks in the baths of every citizen of Gotham.

Do you think it would be appropriate to write a sequel to The Diary of Anne Frank? Just asking for a friend! A really insensitive friend!

This issue begins with Harper Row revealing that she's into hover cars. I don't mean she wants to work on them and build them and drive them. Not unless all of those things are euphemisms for fucking! Then I totally meant that! Would that mean she's autosexual? That's probably a confusing term! I mean, I'm autosexual and it has nothing to do with cars!

Luke Fox's Me! Me! Me! Gala has gone tits up and sideways! I should probably have described it in some other fashion because now I have a boner.

The Victim Syndicate have attacked because they feel that's the best way to tell Gotham City that Batman isn't wanted anymore. He's a danger to the city and if people don't turn against him, they're going to be a danger to the City! And Batman will probably defeat them, proving that he's not a danger to the city at all but a help! I don't think they thought their plan through very well.

Since Luke Fox is Batwing, Batwing is going to help beat up the Victim Syndicate.

For fuck's sake. Just give everybody super powers because I'm sick of geniuses who can build any ridiculous gadget the writer can think of and the artist can draw. That's not how genius and technology works! If it were, my toaster would be a ray gun that transforms into a motorcycle slash dick sucking machine.

Also at the Gala are Renee Montoya and Harvey Bullock. Renee decides she should act like a cop and stop these jokers while Harvey decides they should wait around for Batman, maybe? But Renee pulls two of the craziest revolvers out of her ass and walks right up to the leader of the Victim Syndicate. You know how people do when they're wielding guns because they seem to think they work like knives and should be used by putting yourself within striking distance of the person you're trying to subdue with them.

I meant it literally when I said she pulled them out of her ass. Where else could she have been keeping them? Oh! I know! Her vagina!

Apparently those goofy guns are part of the new technology Luke Fox was trying to sell to the Gotham police at this gala. So this is actually some kind of Tupperware Party for weapons? That means Renee must have scooped up the display models. No way those will actually fire, right? If they do then I've got to think Luke Fox staged this attack to sell more guns! Of course he'd want to put Batman out of business. Batman doesn't buy his weapons from anywhere but Wayne Enterprises! Foxtech's only way to compete is to convince the police force that they need new fancy weapons like Batman's!

Batman arrives but finds he can't punch the leader of the Victim Syndicate. That's the guy's genius idea to defeating Batman. He created a suit that keeps Batman from punching him and, thus, Batman can't win! Because how does Batman defeat somebody he can't punch? I mean aside from the way he defeated Hugo Strange two issues ago when he couldn't punch him. Never mind that. Forget that story. This is new and interesting and not recycled from a story two months ago!

The leader of the Victim Syndicate introduces two of his cohorts, Mr. Noxious and The Mute. Mr. Noxious makes people sick by calling them gross and disgusting. And The Mute makes everybody shut up and listen. I'm starting to suspect that the leader's name might be Tumblr. Although I hope it's just Mister Victim! The Blame would also be acceptable!

Oh! I know who the leader is! It's Councilwoman Alderman from Marv Wolman's 80s New Teen Titans!

The two other people who remember Councilwoman Alderman will probably agree with me!

Batman decides that The Blame's deal isn't to his liking so he punches The Blame in the face instead. I'm not sure that was the best response. I mean, The Blame did challenge Batman to punch him by telling Batman that Batman would never be able to punch him! But The Blame also basically said that punching was all Batman could do, so does Batman really want to prove The Blame right? Also, The Blame's unpunchable suit was taken offline by Batwing because remember how Batwing can do fucking anything because he's so Goddamned smart? I can't wait until he's removed from the DCU by Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) too!

I suppose if I had to choose between Tim Drake and Luke Fox, I'll take Luke Fox every day of the week except Friday which is a day I refuse to make any decisions. But it's a little bit annoying that Tim Drake can be replaced so easily. I'm pretty sure Luke Fox could die horribly on the next page and Batman could still fill the position on his squad of Young Technological Genius. Just using characters currently in this story, he could still fill the slot with Harper Row!

Batman takes a huge gamble knocking out The Blame. After all, he did see how Mr. Noxious filled Spoiler with poison in the space of a few seconds seemingly by thought alone. Should he really risk the lives of everybody in the room? Oh wait! It's Batman! He probably instantly figured out how Mr. Noxious's powers work and then pulled some kind of gadget out of his bat-belt which negated them. Or he instantly threw dozens of tiny Batarangs with vaccines in them that inoculated everybody in the room against every disease known to the medical community! That one sounds like the most implausible and the coolest, so that's probably what he did.

The Orphan kicks Mr. Noxious in the back of the head, causing him to faceplant into the floor and probably lose most of his front teeth. Now he'll be an even better poster boy for the Victim Syndicate! "'Batman musht be shtopped!' says Mr. Baby Talk Noxious! Join the Revolution today!"

Even if she did talk, how is The Mute's muting power supposed to help in a physical confrontation?!

The short woman in the sunhat on the Victim Syndicate is named Mudface. Apparently Clayface ruined her life and she thought, "I know! I'll take on a name similar to his but worse!"

The Blame reveals that he or she was the first innocent victim whose life Batman ruined. So I guess The Blame actually goes by the name The First Victim? Is this that author who was dying of cancer who blamed the Justice League for the death of his family who died in Darkseid's attack? Or maybe it's the kid who was turned into Magog by Circe because he blamed heroes for not saving his family? I suppose it could also be Glorious Godfrey! I suppose it could also be Dick Grayson, right?

Edwina Hypodermic Needle Hands paralyzes Batman by injecting him with something that Batman isn't immune to for some reason. I thought he always planned ahead! At least it doesn't paralyze his diaphragm so that he suffocates standing in the middle of the room unable to move. Although how is he still standing if he's unable to move? I guess it's the rigid Bat-armor! After injecting Batman, Edwina Hypodermic Needle Hands has another trick up her wrist gadget!

How does Edwina know what the police are feeling?

Does it really make sense that Luke Fox littered the gala with operable versions of his new technology? Isn't that something that should have been tested in the safety and privacy of a police training center? And anyway, who cares if the police begin shooting the guns off like crazy people?! They're non-lethal technology, right? That's the whole point!

So the next page confirms that the police shot up the place like lunatics simply because they suddenly had no fear. It's weird because fear usually makes people do stupid things! But in this case, not being afraid made them do something stupid! Nobody is harmed though because Luke Fox's weapons only fired rubber bullets. I guess they can fire real bullets too if needed. They're like Star Trek phasers with different settings.

Later at The Belfry, Luke explains how he thinks the entire night was a win and Batman gets suspicious because the only real winner was Foxtech! They probably just sold a shitload of Smart Guns! Batman probably just heard WayneTech's stock fall through the floor.

Batwoman, Batman, and Batwing discuss the members of the Victim Syndicate so that the next time they appear, I'll know what to call them all. None of the other members of the team are invited to this debrief. I guess it's only for the members with Bat in their names.

The Mute was a victim of The Joker's toxin. So, obviously Batman is to blame. Madame Crow, aka Edwina Hypodermic Needle Hands, was experimented on by The Scarecrow. Again, obviously Batman's fault. Mr. Noxious was poisoned by Poison Ivy. Again, Batman. And Mudface we already know about. All totally Batman's fault for existing. Also totally the writers of Batman's fault for being lazy and writing so many stories where the only reason the criminals were up to no good was to defeat Batman. I've always been vocal about my dislike of superhero stories where the villain's sole purpose is to destroy the hero. It's why I have such a strong dislike of Marv Wolfman's 80s New Teen Titans. But what I hate even more than that are stories like this that are a reaction to that. Now people hurt by villains actually have a reason to blame the heroes because the villains do nothing but try to kill heroes. Heroes in the DC Universe apparently only exist to get beaten up by villains who dislike them for some reason. The reason has long since passed "the hero keeps stopping them from committing crime" because no villain in the DC Universe ever tries to commit crime anymore. They do one of two things: try to kill the hero or try to take over and/or destroy the Omniverse. Nobody robs a fucking bank anymore. Probably because that's boring!

Later, as Leslie Thompkins scolds Batman for putting children in danger but doesn't do anything about it, The First Victim visits Spoiler. I guess Spoiler is about to take on the name The Last Victim!

The Review!
-1 Ranking! I think I made my feelings clear in the commentary section! While I sort of like the vibe of this comic because it just feels like classic Detective Comic stuff, I'm annoyed by the entire premise. Enough with the victims of supervillain attacks becoming supervillains themselves because they blame the heroes. And what that means is enough with DC superheroes only existing to protect themselves from supervillains! They have no purpose and no need to exist if all they are doing is fending off attacks by people who want them dead. They're now in the Second Wave of those attacks where people who almost died because of the people who want the heroes dead now want the heroes dead! It's all getting a bit too meta for me!

Detective Comics #943

"Decades after Batman's secret identity was revealed, scholars would say, 'I mean, were we all fucking idiots? The Wayne Building was shaped like fucking Batman, for Christ's sake!'" -- Excerpt from Clark Kent Was Superman and Other Facts That Will Make You Feel Stupid.

Last week, Clyde Lewis, ex-Portland's own ex-Sunday night paranormal radio show host turned asshat right-wing conspiracy theorist (although don't call him right-wing if you call in or he'll lose his fucking mind and scream until he hangs up on you) did a show on whether or not Google as achieved consciousness and can now read our minds. Right now, if you've never heard Clyde Lewis, you might be thinking, "Come on! It was definitely some kind of metaphor or analogy, right?" No. According to the definition of consciousness he kept using and forcing the way Google works into that definition, he had already laid to rest in the premise of the show that Google was sentient. His main question was whether or not it can read minds.

Before I finish this anecdote, I'd like to tell you this one. When I visited the Great Wall of China back in the late nineties, I purchased a long, thick communist style jacket to keep me warm. As I walked about the dozens and dozens of vendors crushed around the base of the wall which you never see in travel shows, other vendors would ask me how much I paid for the jacket. When I told them, they would then offer me two of the jackets for the same price! Apparently whatever trendy book about marketing swept through China in the seventies or eighties, its main tenet was your biggest customer was the one that already owned what you were trying to sell. I don't know if it actually works on other people but I did not come back from China with dozens of Communist coats. Just the five. No, no! Just kidding! I only bought one! I would have ended this paragraph on the joke normally but I just remembered it's an anecdote to help out another anecdote and I shouldn't embellish it with false details added because they make me laugh.

Back to Clyde Lewis and his mind-reading Google robot! My only response to his belief that Google was so good at predicting what you were looking for that the only explanation was that it could read minds was that Clyde Lewis is an idiot. Google can't fucking read minds! Google is a Chinese vendor at the base of the Great Wall of China! All Google fucking does is show me ads of things I've already shopped for on Amazon or searched for on Google itself! "Oh, hey! Remember when you searched for Freudian Slippers because you thought of them and then realized there's no way they didn't already exist? And they did exist? Did you want to buy those? I'm going to show them in Google ads for you for the next five months!" "Oh, hey! Tess! I saw you were checking on what issue of Shade the Changing Man a certain plot point occurred in. Did you want to read that comic book again? I mean, you just read it but maybe you want to buy it! How about buying it and then reading it in these comfy Freudian Slippers?!"

It's possible I just don't use the Internet correctly and Google has a hard time reading my mind with its algorithms. It probably feeds in the data and begins trying to work out what it all has in common so that it can figure out what to sell me. "Let's see. Tess used Google to find the Tumblr about Montana and skinny dipping after which he spent about two minutes before entering a bunch of random letters and numbers, as if he were wiping down his keyboard. Then he looked up Bat Penis and wound up on YouTube for about an hour. Then he searched for statutes on walking around in public with an obvious erection under clothing. Then he looked up Howard Mackie and I think his computer speaker picked up crying for the next five hours. Later he searched for back pain caused by kidney stones. What the fuck can I try to sell him? Do we have any thick pants with built in back braces that feature patterns in bat penis motifs in stock?" Currently on my Facebook sidebar are ads for something called Yeti Butting, Hyatt Motel, and Hallmark cards. If Google is reading a mind, it certainly isn't mine! Although that Yeti Butting seems intriguing! Especially since there's a half-naked woman in the advert!

I was just about done with this anecdote when my Xbox friend BigWeesel posted to Facebook that he checked out the Battleship game on Amazon and now he's getting loads of emails asking if he wants to buy the game! Goddammit Google! Stop reading our minds!

The new story in Detective Comics is called "The Victim Syndicate. Part One: I Saw the Devil." It begins with a couple of lesbians looking at some street art.

Is it still street art if it's in the lobby of an office building?

The graffiti is the only evidence left of a group of Doom Patrolesque villains who exited Wayne Tower that morning after killing a bunch of cops with some kind of poison power and freaking the fuck out of Lucius Fox and the woman at the front desk. They're probably the Victim Syndicate! I think they're wannabe Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse come to judge Gotham City! One guy causes disease so he's probably Pestilence. And another one looks like the Devil so he's probably War. And one is death because his throat is slit and he has a hollow, vacant stare! And one of them has a hand composed of hypodermic needles so she's probably Drugs. And the last one is short and wears a sun hat so that's probably the other one.

Renee tries to find out why Kate won't fuck her but Kate is all, "I can't talk about my father being captured by Batman right now!" Then there's a scene where Batman fails to interrogate Batwoman's father. I hope that means that the next scene is Renee in a bathtub getting out some sexual frustrations!

Dammit! The next scene isn't that! Instead it's a reminder that Tim Drake died and that doesn't do anything for my libido! I mean, maybe I'm a little bit hornier than I was before remembering that Tim Drake died but that could have been caused by anything! A breeze. A picture of a peach. The magazine called Women Who Eat Cum sitting open next to me.

Spoiler has gone missing because Tim Drake selfishly got himself killed. Why is she hiding away? This is her opportunity! You know how many male superheroes would kill to get a chance at fridge characterization?! Dead loved ones is practically 90% of what makes Batman Batman! Spoiler is on the road to super stardom with the death of her love interest and now she's hiding out in Thompkins Free Clinic! I wonder if they do abortions?

I thought Harper was off at some smarty pants elitist college?! Maybe making beds at a shelter is part of one of her socially responsible classes, like Be the Change 101 or Calculus.

It looks like James Tynion IV feels the same way about Harper Row as my Sensei Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, King Beauregard: Harper Row should be Batman's citizen on the street who doesn't wind up in a costume. I mean, it's a bit late for that! The genie is out of the bong on that one. But I guess James has decided to rectify the situation.

Hee hee. Rectify!

Apparently Harper is going to school. She just decided to go to a shitty state school in Gotham because Bruce wouldn't pony up the cash to go to an Ivy League school. Not that Harper would be caught dead at an Ivy League school! She probably should have gone to Berkeley. Or Santa Cruz where they don't give you grades! I think you get a box of cookies at the end of the semester. If you did well, the cookies have pot in them.

As Harper comforts Stephanie, fucking asscrack dickhole shitstain Jean Paul Valley makes an appearance. I think I'm going to be sick. He's the worst character ever created! He even looks like the feeling a person gets just before they throw up!

BLARF!

Meanwhile, Clayface has decided to look like a normal asshole. It's a shame that he's denying who he is and trying to pass! How is he supposed to be a role model for Katherine if he hides his true self? I mean, I guess it wasn't always his true self. But it is now so he should embrace it!

Later, everybody goes to some Policeman's Ball or something. It's being picketed by protesters who want Batman out of Gotham. Ugh! More of this bullshit? When are comics going to move on and stop trying to make every hero an anti-hero by having the populace against them? I guess the real world populace would first have to stop proving that they're stupid idiots who fall for the shittiest propaganda by the stupidest people. Now I'm blaming the never-ending X-men theme of people fearing heroes on Trump voters! It's nice to have a scapegoat!

Luke Fox arrives at the gala in a hover car with two dates. What the fuck has gotten into Batplane? I mean Batwing! He's more Bruce Wayne than Bruce Wayne has been in a long time! I'm loving it! Luke's also the main reason Bruce has come to the Gala. He needs somebody good with electronics and technology to take Tim's place in the group. Who better than a guy who drives a hover car?

The Victim Syndicate crashes the party because they hate Batman and people who support Batman and people in general. I guess they're like that silly group of villains from Batman and Robin who were all victims of Batman's violence, like Batarang Head and Boot-print Face. But the Victim Syndicate is serious and not a joke like those other victims! I guess James Tynion IV didn't like the idea of people laughing at victims so he had to rebrand these jerks. Although most of them look just as stupid as the other group of Batman's victims.

The Review!
If I were a better writer, I could describe exactly why this comic book works. But I'm not. So all I can say is this comic book feels like picking up a Detective Comics book from the eighties or nineties and just getting a good Gotham City under attack story. And even though I just got done criticizing the Teen Titans for only battling villains who are simply after the Teen Titans, I'm going to ignore the part of this story where the villains are simply going after Batman. Just like Night of the Monsters. And probably every story before that. Hmm. Maybe I should just suck it up and apologize to the Teen Titans now, right?

Teen Titans #2

I'm so thrilled that Raven has lost the stupid mask of feathers that I'm not even going to mention Starfire's missing right boob.

This issue begins with Damian proving that he needs to spend less time patrolling the streets of Gotham all night and more time studying.

I'm not a professional evolutionary batologist but I think I can already detect some holes in Damian's reasoning!

I'll give Damian an A+ for his opening statement! Bats are the only mammals that can fly! Aside from my cat when she's annoying me, and she only flies in short bursts that are usually stopped by the wall on the far side of the room. But his theory that an animal made a choice in its evolution is crazy talk! Not to mention that bats didn't actually trade their arms for wings! They just grew some leathery skin between their fingers. Which might also be what the bird did but even further back than the bat. I'm even less an evolutionary birdologist! Unless I'm just about equally neither. And why is Robin thinking about bats anyway?! He's named after a fucking bird! This little shit really needs to see the inside of a classroom. And why does he bring up switching on genes? I guess he's talking about the gene that makes wings instead of arms which is totally how evolution works and why a creature needs to make a conscious choice to evolve, which it then, apparently, does instantly because the gene switch gets flipped!

I think maybe Percy should stick to stories about how racism is totally uncool.

It's also quite possible that everything Damian just said makes perfect sense since I haven't seen the inside of a science classroom in twenty five years! Also, I spent most of my time in Biology trying to sleep with the girl who sat next to me. Little did I know that the girl who really wanted to sleep with me was in my Steinbeck class! "Sleeping with somebody" is old slang for "talking with somebody." I don't know which makes more sense because neither of those things is anywhere close to fucking!

Robin is still celebrating his thirteenth birthday in the flashbacks. He spent the earlier part of the day eating cake with Alfred. Now he's celebrating the part of the day where his mother visits.

That's a slick looking Damian logo.

Damian continues to mope because his father is too busy doing Justice League things to celebrate Damian's birthday with him. It's pathetic! I don't think I'm going to get used to sad sack Damian! "My father didn't come to my birthday party! I have no friends! My grandfather wants to kill me!" Fucking baby! Buck up!

Talia's gift to Damian was information about the Demon's Fist. Five assassins who all got to choose five targets as their thesis projects. So basically the Demon's Fist chose the new Teen Titans roster. That's fitting since the Teen Titans have never done anything but react to people trying to kill them. It has always been the worst super team in the DC Universe. They're not super heroes; they're super targets.

Damian kidnapped the future Teen Titans and brought them to San Francisco. I hope that's going to be their base of operations because San Francisco is always getting shortchanged in the DC Universe. When it does get some love, it's usually because some shitty back-up team or second squad takes up residence there. It's possible DC was just trying to preserve continuity since most of San Francisco was destroyed in Shade the Changing Man #9.

Starfire must be thinking, "Why am I hanging out with these children?" Or "I'm so fucking horny!" One of those.

Damian explains to the others why their lives are in danger. You know, that thing about the thesis and graduating from assassin school! He says the Demon's Fist choose their targets by finding somebody who will make a good rival--"the sun to their moon," as he explains it. I didn't know the sun and the moon were rivals! Is that from The Bible?

Talia gave Damian a USB drive with information on the assassins. They are Blank, an albino shapeshifter who decided Beast Boy would make a good rival because Beast Boy is green. Green and white are rivals like the sun and the moon, I guess. Then there's Stone who has super strength and Earth powers. His target is Starfire because sometimes the sun has a rivalry with the Earth. It's kind of a complicated three way rivalry system. The moon and the Earth also fight, like when Eclipso battles Terra. After that is Plague who has a diseased touch. Her enemy is Raven because, I guess, Raven's eat the corpses of people who have died from the plague. That reasoning is about as good as the sun gossiping about the moon behind its Earth, right? Then there's Nightstorm who "can bend the weather to his will, weaponizing it into a hard wind or gusting himself into flight." Ooh, scary! He can make a strong breeze! His rival is Kid Flash because Kid Flash isn't just about speed. Remember he's got that lightning bolt on his chest, so lightning is somehow important to his character or something. Finally there is the leader of the Demon's Fist, Mara! She's super smart and knows Kung Fu really well and can stab things and stuff. She's basically a female Robin so her target is Damian.

Now that the Teen Titans have been told that they have archenemies, they're ready to build a Tower and become a fully operational superhero team! I imagine it's only a matter of time before some councilperson in San Francisco begins trying to kick them out of the city. I mean, this whole new Rebirth incarnation of them is supposed to fix them so they're not criminals who do nothing but garner public derision. But I can't help feeling they're already heading down that path.

While Damian is trying to convince the others that he's as great as he knows he is, the Demon's Fist attacks!

Why does Mara have bandages all over her inner thighs? Does her vagina secrete battery acid?

The first thing Blank tries against Beast Boy is to look like Beast Boy. Beast Boy simply looks at him like, "WTF?" At least, I think that's how he's looking at him. He's currently in the form of a tiger and I'm not great at reading the facial expressions of tigers. I assume most of their expressions mean either "I'm going to kill and eat you" or "I'm going to kill and not eat you." Then Blank decides to look like Red Robin. If Beast Boy weren't so sensitive, he would now simply turn into a gorilla and pound Blank into a shapeless puddle. But he's a huge baby and becomes too sad to battle.

The first thing this team needs to work on when they begin training is their battle repartee.

The others all encounter their own problems with defeating their Demon's Fist rivals. I guess they'll have to come up with a plan other than the one where they allow the Demon's Fist to dictate the rules of battle. That plan will probably be to work together or to switch combatants. Since this is a comic book, there aren't any other choices. Oh, except to be defeated soundly or to run! This is, after all, only their first encounter with the Demon's Fist. The Rules of Comic Books practically demands that the heroes be unsuccessful in this first battle. But after that, they'll do one of those two plans I previously outlined.

If Kid Flash becomes Nightstorm's greatest enemy, doesn't that mean Nightstorm is fated to fail to kill Kid Flash and flunk out of assassin school? No wonder he hates him so much!

Mara tells the Teen Titans Damian's secret about being Ra's al Ghul's grandson and they all immediately flip the fuck out. As if having a racist grandfather makes the grandchild racist! Nobody in comic books can think logically. They all just jump to conclusions and instantly lose trust in anybody who has told them one teeny tiny lie. Although I suppose they had no trust in Damian to begin with since he kidnapped them and was forcing them into his stupid new Teen Titans.

Damian and Goliath flee the cave when Mara sets off explosives to collapse it on everyone. But he does come back to retrieve the other Teen Titans and to tell them that he's chosen the way of the Batman instead of the way of the Assassin, even though his father is a huge asshole who can't even be bothered to stop by on Damian's thirteenth birthday.

San Francisco experiences its first case of massive property damage without any of the benefits of having superheros in town. That's what the Teen Titans bring to your city! Good luck, San Francisco!

The Review!
This is par for the course for the Teen Titans. They form a group which subsequently simply fights villains who attack them directly. The plots are formulaic in that the Teen Titans often face a group of foes whose powers match theirs in some way, and the Teen Titans are beat until they learn to work together (or fight the foes whose powers are like the member of the team whose ass they can consistently kick!). They never actually perform any actions for the greater good. But I will say, that's a step up from a team that actively breaks the law or is written by Scott Lobdell!

I still haven't been reminded how I'm supposed to feel about racism. It was bad right?

Vigilante: Southland #2

Vigilante fights crime high as fuck.

I just read the last issue and I almost forgot how it ended! This one begins with yet another ex-Vigilante (was fucking everybody Vigilante?!) staring creepily at Donny as he lies wounded in bed. It took me much longer than I'm comfortable admitting to remember that Donny blew up at the end of the last issue. This is why there have been so many Goddamned Vigilantes! They're careless as fuck!

I'm just going to end every fifth or sixth sentence throughout this commentary with "as fuck." I think that sentence counts as one of them, right?

Mike, the guy I didn't mention last issue because he was just some nobody scientist in a wheelchair who Donny didn't know, begins the comic book by remembering how he used to ride a motorcycle around town while wearing a costume that was as ugly as fuck. But I guess he got blown up or hit and runned or something too! Because now he's just the guy who makes the gadgets for whatever sucker he can talk into putting on the terrible looking costume. It won't be hard to convince Donny because Donny is hot on the tail of a conspiracy and he's also stoned.

Mike was known as The Eastsider because that's marginally better than the name Vigilante the vigilante. At least it let people know there was a Mexican underneath that mask. Vigilante is pretty nondescript. It's also one typo away from being sort of obscene.

Donny's girlfriend's mom and Mike tell Donny that he shouldn't become the next Vigilante because he hasn't been trained. But I say I don't want to read three issues of him training! Donny seems to agree! He puts on the Vigilante mask, hops on a motorcycle, and sets off to solve The Case of the Dead Girlfriend Who Probably Should Have Been the Main Character.

"A clumsy backpedal that seeks to blame the fans and editors for fucking up The New 52!" -- Grunion Guy.

Vigilante begins his investigation at a kinky sex club. I don't know who he's asking questions or why because I don't care about the mystery part of this comic book. I just want to see Vigilante shoot people in the face while pretending he has the moral high ground. At the sex club, Vigilante battles a half-naked woman with a whip and says the F-word! I didn't know you could swear in a Teen Plus comic book! I thought the Teen Plus rating simply meant a woman was going to enjoy sex! You can't have non-plus teenagers knowing that women like sex just as much as men! At least they do when the man is good at it. That's the main reason women are attracted to confident guys because you know a confident guy can give you an orgasm. Although it's also true that some guys are too stupid to realize they shouldn't be as confident as they are based on their bedroom skills.

"For a series written by Pet Murderers, it's surprisingly light on murdered pets!" -- Grunion Guy.

Vigilante gets his ass kicked by a dominatrix because she's had way more training than he has. Also she's not stoned. What's really strange about the dominatrix is that she has the same weapon as Vigilante except it isn't electrified. What kind of a coincidence is that? If this story doesn't give a reason for it by the end of the series, I'm going to...well, actually, I'll probably forget all about it after I finish typing this paragraph. But it does seem like it should mean something, right?! Does it mean Donny's girlfriend was a dominatrix before she became Vigilante? Is that a standard dominatrix weapon, a mace on a rope? I guess that's technically a flail but this weapon seems different somehow. More sexy!

Meanwhile, Donny's girlfriend's mom does some investigating of her own. At a fancy dress party (American style fancy dress, not British style fancy dress! Nobody is in chicken costumes or Nazi uniforms here), she walks around pretending her daughter's death wasn't that big a deal. Unless she's not pretending. She might not be pretending! So Nina asks a woman where Vance Childers, the man she thinks is responsible for her daughter's death, might have disappeared to.

I've never given this specific an answer to any question I've ever been asked. And I have a college degree!

This woman knows all about the house Childers runs off to but has no idea how to contact him there. I think you've given Nina enough information to find him, Help Advances The Plot Lady.

Back at the Vigilante Cave, Donny learns that Mike can train him to turn his basketball skills into a fighting style. Ooh! Imagine if Mike could do that for the Harlem Globetrotters? They'd be the most elite fighting team in the world! As long as Sweet Georgia Brown was playing, of course.

"Tom King never used any of my fucking blurbs for the cover of Sheriff of Babylon. He can go fuck himself!" -- Grunion Guy.

I hope this comic gets the training over with quickly! Can't I read about a Vigilante that's already battle tested and street ready?! I have to read about some stoner basketball player trying to learn how to fight by getting his ass kicked by a guy in a wheelchair?

Two pages later, Donny realizes he can't beat a guy in a wheelchair. Idiot. Throw a typewriter at him or something! That's probably just the first lesson. It's a pretty lousy lesson since all it did was demoralize Donny before he goes out to follow Nina's lead. Now when he fights a guy standing up, he's really going to shit himself.

Donny discovers that Childers is also looking into the murder of his girlfriend which is why he disappeared. He didn't want to get hit and runned too! Donny breathes a sigh of relief because if he couldn't beat a guy in a wheelchair, no way would he be able to take on a fat, out of shape, middle aged college dean!

Oh! Here's the reason for the Teen Plus! The "fuck" was probably just incidental.

A woman never has to ask if she was any good in bed! If you're a woman and you just let me put my penis anywhere inside of your body, you did a great job! You don't even need to go that far! Sometimes just slowly sliding your hand down the front of my pants is a job well done, and quickly! I think the only time a woman is bad in bed is when she tries too hard. I don't need to think you're the wildest person to ever bone. In fact, the stiller and more corpse-like you are, the better! I don't want to have to remember that you're an individual with a distinct personality and her own agency when I'm defiling you with my love squirts.

As Childers is about to reveal the reason for the conspiracy, he's shot in the head by a sniper! Oh no! That's probably the same sniper who crippled The Eastsider! And just as Childers is killed, the police break down the door and storm the house! Oh no! Vigilante has been framed for murder! And he's still high as fuck!

No wonder The Eastsider was only crippled instead of killed. This sniper needs to get his scope fixed.

The Review!
More of the same 80s action clichés! How about a side of being framed with your vengeance appetizer?! Would you like a glass of conspiratorial cover-up while you wait?