Bloodlines #1

Oh joy! A comic book series based on the worst summer annual crossover of DC's history and written by one of my least favorite comic book writers!

The Review
Bloodlines wants to be Teen Titans and fails miserably. Mostly because Teen Titans uses established characters that people care about and completely fucking ruins them. This book uses new characters that nobody cares about yet and begins building something that might actually work for some readers. I can't totally put aside my bias of J.T. Krul but I'll try to be fair and diplomatic and simply rate this book on its own merits and not on my memories of New 52 Green Arrow #1-3 and New 52 Captain Atom. I'll try but it's as difficult as stretching a limb ravaged by scar tissue. The best thing I can say about this book is that it might be worth investing in the first one or two issues to see if at least one of the characters does something for you. I felt most of them were formulaic and cliche relying on common tropes in place of real characterization. The reason for this is that there are a lot of characters to introduce in a short amount of time and Krul just doesn't have the space to elaborate on their personalities. So he throws out a few recognizable traits on each character so the reader feels like they're left with an understanding of each one. If he develops them further in the subsequent issues and turns them into complex personalities rather than shallow stereotypes, maybe he'll be able to create the next X-men or Teen Titans. Probably not but I said I was going to try to be fair. And that seems like a fair, if improbable, statement!

The Commentary
The people at my local comic book shop apparently don't read my blog because they stuck this book by J.T. Krul in my pull box. Or they do read my blog and they're huge assholes who think they're hilarious. Whatever the case, I paid for this comic book so I guess I'm going to read it. I guess.

Forget about J.T. Krul authoring this book. The title itself, Bloodlines, doesn't inspire any kind of confidence in the material. When people think of 90s comic books, they can't help but think of mega-violence, pouches, women with completely (as opposed to the normal 'just partially') distorted bodies, Image comics, poor writing, and the speculative market. But one thing that doesn't get discussed quite as much is how publishers were rushing to grab copyrights and licensing of as many characters as they could due to the rise of Image's push towards creator owned characters. Marvel and DC seemed to think if they could think up and trademark every potential hero name, creators would be forced to use their characters. DC and Marvel would make all the money from licensing that the characters would eventually make in the future when they inevitably became super popular. This was the basic reason behind Bloodlines. It was a summer annual crossover event where dozens of new superheroes were created because an alien race activated all of the metagenes on the planet (or something. I can't be bothered to remember the particulars). Eventually only Hitman and possibly one or two others would become popular enough to enter the legion of DC's heroes. Most of them were horrible garbage. But that's what happens when you create a bunch of heroic names with no tie to any kind of backstory or personality in a corporate brainstorming meeting. I suppose the writers and artists were allowed to come up with their concepts on their own and I'm just being cynical. How else would you explain Garth Ennis coming up with Hitman, a guy who doesn't really give a shit about his new powers except that they now allow him the added ability to murder other people with super powers. So Ennis!

This whole explosion of new characters being created and trademarked by the corporations was spoofed by Dave Sim in Cerebus when he had Spore (the Cockroach's then current incarnation) explode into a bunch of different Roaches with little trademark symbols next to their names. At the end of Grant Morrison's Doom Force, a parody of nineties comics, he had two or three pages where he just listed names of new potential heroes. It was a sad state of affairs. It's no wonder comic book companies like to blame speculation for the downfall of comics in the nineties instead of looking inward at the things they did to cause the crash. DC and Marvel became so frightened of what Image represented that they threw out every model of making comics that had worked up until that point and decided to follow Image's lead. The only problem was most of the guys at Image had no fucking clue what they were doing. A high majority of the art and writing sucked and they were stumbling about on the business end (although, admittedly, some of them spent the necessary time to work through the business aspect even if it was at the expense of their comic books. People like Jim Lee who just put their shoulders to the grindstone and figured it the fuck out). None of that mattered though. Image was paving a new way that simply caused DC and Marvel to lose their senses and their shit. I never bought an Image book back in the nineties because none of art ever appealed to me. They were a young company that didn't totally know what they were doing and they made a lot of mistakes. But they laid the foundation for the Image of today which publishes the best books on the shelves because they're creator controlled. Image publishes the best ideas of comic book writers and artists because why would any writer or artist waste their best ideas on work for hire when Image will let you retain ownership and control? That seems like a better deal than a "created by" line that might pay a pittance in royalties.

I don't know how much of the previous is preamble to the plot of this new Bloodlines book and how much is just stalling so I don't have to read it. Oh geez. Well, here I go!

It begins promising enough with no Narration Boxes instantly over-explaining everything as something from space crashes to Earth.

Although, let's face the facts, prey animals would not be coming up to investigate this disaster. What prey animals do when there is a loud noise and light is try to hide behind or run faster than other prey animals because the only way they live is for one of their loved ones to die.

Once the deer turns into Superfawn™, the other prey flee. I suppose a giant ball of fire crashing into the ground isn't something their instincts register as a predator so they were just curious. But when Superfawn™ growls at them, they recognize that as danger and skedaddle. Anyway, we now know that something from the sky is transforming creatures on Earth! Also that deer apparently have the meta-gene.

On page three, the Narration Boxing begins. Whew. I thought I was going to have to figure out the character's motivations without any help.

The first character we meet is the guy who will soon become the big muscular blue guy on the cover. You can tell because they share the same hair style. But right now, he's not big or blue or muscular. He's just a skinny kid with some kind of physical disability affecting his legs. What I find truly unbelievable about this character already is that, before his leg muscles atrophied, he was both a skater and a morning person. Bullshit!

The destruction of his skating career by the betrayal of Eddie's legs isn't his only problem. He's also got a caretaker mother that doesn't seem to give a shit about him. She's too busy telling him not to eat the sugared cereal she bought for him! And getting ready for work! And probably being super hot underneath that cardigan and long skirt!

So Eddie goes to school to run into some more kids who will be part of his Bloodlines crew. One of them is Albert who is the smartest person at his school. Every good team needs "the smartest genius who ever geniused" on their team! It's a good thing Narration Boxes exist because it's easier to just tell the readers that a character is the biggest genius in the world than to have to portray them that way. It's hard to write smart characters when you're just a writer of average intelligence or worse. Believe me, I know!

Nobody fucking cares about your blogapalooza. And how dare you remind me of J.T. Krul's abysmal Green Arrow run!

Here we meet Dana. She's a female but--get this--she's not like other females! I don't think that's supposed to be as insulting as it sounds. I don't know how it's not supposed to be insulting to females but then I'm not a female. I'm a guy so the only thing I really thought while reading this page was "I wonder how naked she gets during her Blogapalooza posts?"

Meanwhile at a gas station, another member of the Bloodlines group, Faith, is about to star in the obligatory "creepy guys being creepy who need to have extreme violence perpetrated on them" scene. It's become status quo for a writer to write a scene that says, "Hey, women. I'm on your side. See how this guy told a woman to smile and then got his teeth knocked out? Or this other guy got too touchy on the dance floor at the club and had to have his arm broken? How about the guy who said something disgusting who needed to learn what a concussion felt like?" Although the scene simply ends with the guy checking out Faith's mom's ass. So it's possible the guy is actually a maniac who is going to kidnap Faith and her mom only to wind up being one of the Bloodlines' crew's first victims.

I don't mind stories having moments that are basically just messages saying, "Hey, guys. Stop being creepy fucks." But as a pacifist, I feel some of these scenes go way overboard just to get a certain audience on board. The violent punishment meted out to a guy who asks a woman to smile doesn't seem justified. I get that it's a fantasy moment but it doesn't really work for me when it's repeated in every fucking comic book I read and every goddamned super hero show on television. But then again, I'm just a guy who previously mentioned how all I could think about was how naked one of the female characters got on her blog. So I have selfish reasons for not wanting guys to get the shit kicked out of them for being pigs.

Next up, the readers need to be introduced to Haley!

Oh look! You thought it was going to be man, didn't you, you sexist! Nope! She's a woman that isn't like other women!

Haley is the tough-as-nails chick with tats and piercings and highlighted hair who also works on cars while letting her coveralls slide off to reveal her hot body! I bet her tough exterior hides a poet's soul! She's the one on the cover that looks like a cross between Doomsday and Wolverine and a woman I want to fuck.

Reading J.T. Krul's "writing" has made me so cynical that I've become an insensitive bastard! Normally I'm like, "Women are...". Hmm. Maybe I'm normally not like anything because I can't think of something romantic and not creepy to call women that wouldn't also sound like I'm objectifying them and merely saying things I think they'd want to hear so that they'd think I want to get to know them for more than their bodies. Which I totally do! I mean, as much as I want to get to know men for more than their bodies. Which is basically not at all. Maybe I should just say "Women are women are women are women." Gertrude Stein probably would have said that!

The next character we need to meet is Blake! Blake is the guy on the cover holding the flaming gun. He's a man so I won't judge his character according to his gender like I did with Dana and Haley. To be fair, I wasn't so much judging them on their gender as judging the way J.T. Krul was introducing them as female characters. This is all part of that "subtle" thing I was referring to back in my commentary on The Darkseid War Special #1! Blake is a black man which I'm only mentioning because it would be odd for me to not mention it. Although I didn't mention that Eddie was originally white before he turns blue. So now I've got an old man fishing in a boat's voice in the back of my head telling me I'm prejudiced. Fuck you, old man! I'll drown you!

Blake and Haley have had sex. I wish they'd had sex within the pages of this comic book and not in the past. Why do writers always leave out the best parts of their story? Since Blake probably won't be having sex with Haley ever again, he and his buddy Ricky are going to go beat up some local druggies. So I guess Blake is an asshole.

Now that all of the main characters have been introduced, it's time for the late night party where everything goes wrong! The party is out in a field near the woods which means it's going to be interrupted by Superfawn™!

Yeesh. I can't think of a worse way to go than being rutted by Superfawn™.

Upon seeing his friend killed, Eddie turns into a potential lawsuit with Marvel over the Beast trademark. I guess everybody's metagenes have already been activated by the arrival of the comet that spawned Superfawn™. Eddie rips off the mutant deer's head but it's too late. Graham dies having never known the intimate touch of a living being that wasn't a mutated stag. As Eddie's rage dissipates into sadness, he turns back to normal. So I guess he's only superficially like Beast and more like The Incredible Hulk.

The Darkseid War Special #1

Why is this a thing? Why isn't it just Justice League #49? How is Justice League ever going to make it to #52 before Rebirth at this rate?!

The Review
Justice League has fallen two or three months behind all of the other series so what does Geoff Johns choose to do? Insert more specials! I suppose that's because he realized he wasn't going to finish his epic tale before Rebirth erased it all. Not that Rebirth is a Reboot. DC can't say that enough! But we all know things are going to change. I have a feeling every Rebirth issue is just going to be pretty pictures and a mediocre story revolving around the same statement to fans: every story DC has ever published in the past is canon no matter how weird and inexplicable it makes the DC Universe. That's how I see it already anyway. I don't take my cues from DC about what stories make Batman the real, current Batman. How am I supposed to compartmentalize all of the Batman stories I've read over the years so that when I'm reading New 52 Batman, I know exactly what he's experienced and the things he's been through? I still read Batman believing that he used to climb up the sides of buildings and have brief conversations with sixties television stars. Hell, I still think Batman had all of those adventures with the characters from Star Wars and the soldiers from G.I. Joe and the creatures from the Masters of the Universe as they drove around my backyard in Barbie's pink Corvette! Anyway, this issue of The Darkseid War may also have been slotted into place because it's mostly exposition. I guess after all the blockbuster fights and crazy changes in personality the Justice League has gone through, a brief explanatory respite was in order for anybody who was a bit confused as to why Darkseid and The Anti-Monitor were fighting in the first place.

The Commentary
The Darkseid War is still going on because Geoff Johns believes stories that go on for-fucking-ever are what fans are craving. Big, blockbuster, over-the-top stories that make no sense but aren't limited because nobody at DC Comics has a position higher than the writer of the stupid thing. And apparently nobody has the balls to tell Zack Snyder...I mean Michael Bay...I mean Geoff Johns that length and thickness aren't the only thing that matters. Although, let's face it, DC Fangenders really can't get enough of Johns love muscle--and I don't mean his heart--pounding away at their colon. Every story doesn't have to forever change everything, Geoff. You can fucking calm down a little bit. Some people might not think I should be the one to suggest subtlety to another writer but then those people who don't think I'm subtle are probably missing 90% of the shit I'm expressing. Because I'm a motherfucking subtle son of a bitch!

I probably shouldn't be ranting like this about The Darkseid War because it is kind of entertaining, isn't it? It's entertaining in the way that Geoff Johns writes those stories people have in drunken conversations about stupid fucking ideas they'd maybe like to see happen in comic books. Like "Dude, dude! No, wait, dude. What if The Flash actually raced against Death?!" Or "Check this out. What if...what if...err...Lex Luthor were ruler of Apokolips?!" "No! What if Batman could know anything in the universe? Anything at all! Like how it all began or what existed before our universe or what's the cure for cancer or how can we end bigotry and religious strife or what is the Joker's real name?!" "What if Lois Lane were secretly a web camera porn star?!" "What if The Hulk shoved his cock straight down my throat? Oh god I'm hard."

Um, anyway, what I was saying in the caption to the cover was why another special after all the other Darkseid War specials have been separated across time by other Justice League issues? How is anybody in the future, hunting down back issues of The New 52 Justice League (because Geoff Johns is revered as a god and a monster), going to know what order to read these books in? Aside from all the people with internet blog entries listing the order.

The story begins with Jessica Cruz, now completely subsumed by Volthoom, wandering around inside of the power ring while some other prisoner speaks with her. I hope it's somebody surprising from DC's history and not just the wussy cry baby from Earth-3 that was Volthoom's previous host. The voice assures Jessica that if she can find him inside the hellish landscape of the ring, she has a chance of escaping, reclaiming her body, and saving the Justice League and the Omniverse and everything else that isn't somehow included in the stupid term "Omniverse" (which I only ever use ironically or in professional essays for academic magazines). I bet the voice is a Guardian of the Universe. Or, you know, Volthoom.

The voice tells Jessica that she needs to find the battery. Why doesn't the voice just bring the battery to her? Why must metaphysical landscapes always be bound by physical laws? It's probably a weakness in Jessica's own mind that she has to interpret the realm she's in as a natural landscape to be crossed rather than an idea which could be traversed in a thought.

Meanwhile, Myrina Black and her griffon (unless it's a hippogriff) are wandering about another bleak landscape searching for answers.

I, too, like to believe in absolute truths with whatever exceptions I feel like throwing in for my own comfort.

It seems to me that perhaps it was a bad idea to fuck and be impregnated by the only person you believe has no good in them. I suppose it's like when I feel totally judgmental about something, I'm driven to experience that thing to the best of my ability and to view it with non-judgmental eyes to see if I'm being a dick or if that thing really is a shit omelette. Although I don't think I'd go so far as to think, "You know? That person is a real fucking asshole. The biggest asshole in the universe. No redeeming qualities at all! Although, what if I'm being unfair in my criticism? I guess I'll let him plant his dark seed in me to make sure!"

I bet Darkseid is a good fuck though. I bet that's the simple answer. Myrina just couldn't keep her legs closed around him. I get it! He's powerful and he gets shit done. Also he's so thick. Just seeing his hard cock probably causes the observer to orgasm. That's his Alpha Effect.

Myrina explains that she's an Amazonian assassin and her target was Darkseid. And I guess the only way to kill Darkseid was to seduce him, have his child, raise her to hate her father, and start a war between the Anti-Monitor and Darkseid. That's pretty ambitious considering I can't even plan breakfast.

Anyone who lays eyes on Hippolyta's vagina must die? Was Diana born with a penis? What did Myrina see?!

Grail explains how the entire plan came together although I'm still a bit unclear about why Myrina had to be impregnated by Darkseid. I'm just going to assume that was an accident. And even if they had the Morning After Pill back when Grail was conceived, I doubt it would have been strong enough to evict a half-Amazonian, half-New God zygote from Myrina's vagina.

Apparently Steve Trevor is now also part of the plan. The new plan, of course! The old plan was to kill Darkseid and he's dead. The new plan is for Grail to take control of the Anti-Life Equation and become a new, female Darkseid. Grail kisses Stever Trevor (even though he's apparently the wrong man since somebody before him stepped foot on Themyscira and that's the guy Grail actually wants) and he turns into Firestorm. Or maybe he's just burning alive. It's hard to be sure.

Back inside Power Ring's ring, Jessica makes it to the battery and discovers the face behind the voice that's been helping her: Cyborg. Sad trombone. I'm so disappointed right now. Geoff Johns went off his normal playbook for this twist. This should have been some kind of reveal of a character nobody ever really liked or thought much about or had totally forgotten and would never care if the character just disappeared from all of DC's records and that every...oh wait. Cyborg is one of those characters. Never mind. Good work, Geoff.

Green Lantern #51

John Romita Jr. had the opportunity to draw anything he could think of made out of Green Lantern light but instead he chooses to draw Hal Jordan as a Popsicle stick.

Rating: Not much happens in this issue so you can probably just skip it. Jim is like, "Hal! You're Hal!" And Hal is all, "Oh yeah! I should go find my friends!" And then Hal is all, "Here they are! But they've been captured! I guess I'll save them next issue!" And that's it! So unless you just feel you have to have a complete collection of Green Lantern books (or you can't live without a John Romita Jr. Hal Jordan Popsicle Stick), I'd skip this issue. I don't think I learned anything and Darlene didn't even say anything funny. Unless that part where she proved how disloyal she is was supposed to be funny! Oh yeah! I think it was! Ha ha! Good one.

Hal's brother Jim or Peter or whatever reminds the readers what's been happening in this comic book over the last year. It's the opposite of nice that DC Comics would rather waste five pages giving readers a synopsis of the current plot rather than going the Marvel route and just throwing a Previously page at the front of the book. Jim's not only telling the readers what's been happening but Hal as well because Hal doesn't remember who he is after the battle with Parallax. But even that doesn't really matter after Jim finishes his synopsis because Hal remembers who he is after his brother's speech. I used to get bitter and angry over this kind of wasted space in my expensive monthly comic books but my ass is so reamed out from DC's constant administrations that I hardly even notice now.

I'm lost. Who's Will?

Hal became solid light while battling Parallax which is something Hal's never heard of in all the time he's not listened to anything the Guardians have told him. So now he's off to find the Bohemian Guardians and the Green Lantern Corps because they might help solve the mystery. Or tell him it isn't a mystery at all and he should know that this kind of thing is possible because Kilowog screamed it into his face on his first day of training.

Meanwhile in space, Darlene, The Little Prince, and Trapper Keeper are being attacked by Gray Agents. They're probably after Hal Jordan but don't realize he's not aboard Darlene. I think they began tracking them on that planet with the Garbage Dump Thanagarian Gang. Prince and Trapper are taken prisoner. Good thing Hal is done with his business on Earth so he can come back and rescue them. I think that's a good thing. The Gray Agents are hunting for Hal so they're probably prepared for him. Everybody else in the universe seems to have a way to defend against the Universe's Greatest Weapon, so why not people hunting a Green Lantern?

Hal shows up at the end but finds he doesn't have any more pages to begin the battle because so many were wasted at the beginning. Now I'm really going to feel bitter when I purchase Green Lantern #52.

Green Arrow #51

How much time did John Romita Jr. spend on researching how to draw a bow?

Rating: Has any other comic book been this consistently terrible and still made it past the fiftieth issue? How has this book survived for so long when it's been nearly unreadable since J.T. Krul handed in the script for the first issue (which I'm assuming was mostly scribbles, vomit, and tears)? I don't mind stories with a message. Stories are better with a message. But this comic book is mostly message with little story. The pages might as well be "Racism is bad!" printed over and over again. Green Arrow hasn't even been needed since Percy took over. Instead of using his bow and arrow, he's mostly just been attacking like a wild animal. Which, I suppose, makes sense since he's now Green Werewolf. Emiko is no better. She's just a font of Youthsplaining. If I wanted that, I'd just read my Tumblr dashboard. This comic book sucks.

I was going to post a trailer of The Bad News Bears on my Tumblr this week in celebration of its 40th anniversary but holy shit that trailer is awful. And I'm not even talking about the parts that would offend modern sensibilities like when the narrator says Buttermaker does the unforgivable by putting a girl on the team and then Tanner's reaction to that when he says, "Jews, spics, niggers, and now a girl?!" While the movie is terrific, the trailer is just plain awful. I imagine it's a product of its time but I don't really remember many trailers from the seventies. It's just a narrator giving a synopsis of the film seemingly with his own biases and interpretations of events thrown in. And not a single note from Carmen! I imagine either the music rights weren't secured when the trailer was made, or the music wasn't chosen yet. But it's so synonymous with the film now that the lack of the song is jarring.

Over at MTV's website in 2013, somebody named Amanda Bell wrote a brief "article" that's just a reaction to The Bad News Bears trailer. Actually, it's just a reaction of Tanner's string of racial epithets. Wait. Did I say "wrote"? Actually actually she just embedded a couple of reaction gifs. What she's trying to get across in her article is that a movie in 1976 created a trailer that could be seen in front of family friendly movies that wasn't family friendly at all. Yeah? Welcome to the fucking seventies! There's a reason past decades happen in the past. Or something. Maybe that wasn't as clear as I meant it to be. Maybe I wouldn't care about her "article" so much but she obviously doesn't understand storytelling and characterization. Because she puts the horrible quote on Timothy Lupus! That kid was the kindest, sweetest, greatest portrayal of a booger eating moron I've ever seen! He would never have said anything so uncouth! No, it was Tanner who said that, Amanda. Tanner. Maybe you should at least watch the movie before judging it by one line from one character! Plus, Tanner's degrading line is answered by Amanda with "Grab a bat, Punk!" She then proceeds to strike out the little bastard and prove to him that he's a lousy fucking baseball player and their team needs her. Also, Tanner's little list of racial slurs also tells you something else about the movie: it's got a fucking inclusive cast of heroes! And guess who the bad guys are? The white coach with his all white team of hot shots! This movie has 70s stink all over it. But like the recent Mad Magazine collection of 80s spoofs I picked up at Safeway says, "MAD Magazine reflects the sensibilities and language of the time in which it was first published. This content is reprinted without alteration for historical reference." Seeing how things were and in their proper context is much better than pretending those things never existed.

Currently Green Werewolf has decided to endanger his little sister's life by taking her to Africa to battle Douchéstork. Ollie and Slade are both looking for Doctor Miracle. Ollie wants Doctor Miracle's DNA inside of him to cure his Werewolf AIDS. Douchéstork wants Doctor Miracle because he's been paid to find him. That's the only reason Douchéstork does anything! Well, maybe he sometimes does things to protect his reputation. But he drags his feet and pouts a lot if he's not getting paid as well.

I was going to argue against this because I believe that people who hate based on differences are people mired in the past who can't adapt to a beautiful future of interracial relationships leading to a population of people who would eventually all look alike which would, ironically, really help those people to fit in! But then I remembered how stupid people really fucking hate me and I thought, "Oh yeah! People do hate people different than themselves!"

If you've ever questioned somebody's common sense, or proclaimed that you have common sense, just stop. Because what you're actually doing is telling people you're a moron. "That uppity jerk may have read half of The Grapes of Wrath but does he have common sense? Probably not!" Also you might want to stop bragging about being intuitive. The more you think you're intuitive, the more you project your beliefs on situations which causes you to read the situation wrong. But since you believe you have a great intuition, you'll never be convinced that the situation isn't the way you believed it was. People with "great intuition" tend to have more fallings out with friends and family than people who actually trust and respect the statements of their friends and family. When it is confirmed that your intuition was correct in any given situation, realize that it wasn't your gut speaking to you and mystically revealing the way things were. How you figured it out is even better than intuition and should be embraced for what it was! You took various clues pertaining to the situation and logically worked them out in your brain to come up with a plausible scenario which wound up being accurate. Why would people rather be "intuitive" than fucking "observant"?!

Green Werewolf has come to the conclusion that you can't cure hate. Nonsense! Isn't knowledge and travel supposed to cure hate? Or is that ignorance? I suppose they're basically the same thing.

I think this guy stumbled upon an Insane Clown Posse gig and culturally appropriated that.

Great. Previously Percy has lectured the readers on racism, corrupt cops, racism, and racism. Now he's going to lecture us on cultural appropriation! It might be an interesting story if it were a subtle, fictionalized reversal of typical American cultural appropriation. But I'm already bored when he begins by saying, "This is a story about cultural appropriation. See how the bad guy appears and spells it out for everybody? I suppose I could have masked the bad guy's cultural appropriation in the same way I masked racism in my Werewolf AIDS story where the minorities are 'monsters' and the racists are 'rich white American presidents'. But this is too important a message to make it subtle and interesting! I want Tumblr to know that I get what they're saying no matter how shrill and incoherent they generally are! I'm with them! I'm a white guy from Eugene, Oregon, man! I get it! I get it!"

"On the one hand, I hear you! We've all known for quite a long time that white dreads were terrible. But now we have an accepted reason for bullying anybody sporting them! On the other hand, you're crazy! Because being mean to individuals without knowing the history and context of the individual's life is simply a means of creating a new kind of power with which to abuse others."

Green Werewolf wants to sympathize with Mister White because cultural appropriation is the worst thing in the world ever (apparently). But since Mister White is using the playbook of white imperialists, Green Arrow can't sympathize with him at all! Plus Mister White wants to sell Ollie and Emiko and George into slavery so he's going to have to fight against that even if he winds up seeming racist doing so. I don't believe that he would but I'm sure somebody could make an argument for it somehow. Like how a black man is actually succeeding and a rich white man just can't have it. It sure would be easier if Douchéstork would just show up to beat up the black guys. It's okay if he appears racist.

The best part of this issue so far is the map of Africa that looks like a skull and Doctor Miracle's shirt of Africa that looks like a hand giving a peace sign. Unless it's flipping the British bird? Maybe it's a foot with two horribly deformed toes? Whatever the case, it's Doctor Miracle's shirt. Which means Ollie has found Doctor Miracle! Which means Douchéstork will be rescuing everybody shortly!

Doctor Miracle's tongue is cut and he makes out with a woman whose arm Ollie broke. Her arm heals, she claims it's a miracle, and in the next panel, some guard outside the tent is saying, "I could shoot the tail off a giraffe at fifty yards." First off, that was a shitty scene change. Second, shouldn't he be using meters instead of yards? Of course, this means that Douchéstork is about to arrive and culturally appropriate these sons of bitches!

He just killed the guys he's asking that question.

Douchéstork increases his kill count by about 19 people bringing it up to 962, give or take a dozen. One of those people is Mister White. Douchéstork does not kill him while saying, "Culturally appropriate this!" Another one of his kills is Green Werewolf. But I have a feeling that kill won't take so I'm not adding it to Slade's kill count.

Batman Beyond #11

Batman Beyond Thunderdome.

Rating: I don't know why I read superhero comic books anymore because they rarely ever tell stories that touch me in any meaningful way. And it's not like I get excited about the adventure of it all. I suppose most of the entertainment I consume is like that though. There's a lot of shallow shit out there. Don't get me wrong. A lot of it is entertaining. But I like to read stuff that means something every now and then. Batman Beyond isn't that. But it's also not bad. It does what it's supposed to do which is present a comic book adventure in the future DC Universe. It's not a great future but it's, at least, a lot more interesting than Futures End was making it.

It's been eleven issues of this and forty-eight issues of Futures End and I still don't know why Batman Beyond had to become Tim Drake. Poor Terry McGinnis. Let's pour one out for Terry! Oh shit. I just spilled my tea on my carpet. I got too into the moment! I don't know why since I never cared about Terry McGinnis. Come to think of it, I never cared about Tim Drake either! So it doesn't really matter to me as long as everybody just keeps calling him Batman.

Neo-Gotham has survived the machinations of Brother Eye. But now they have to weather their next crisis: a flood of refugees! The refugees were angry that they weren't getting immediate relief from the meager stocks of food and medicine within Neo-Gotham's walls so they've stormed the city and declared everything theirs. That seems like a solution that's only going to cause more problems. Now that the outside refugees have stormed their way in and taken over, how are they themselves going to split up the food and medicine? If the informal leader doesn't give as much to the next asshole as that asshole believes he deserves, who's to say he's wrong for rising up and taking as much as he needs from the new refugee leader? People really should think through the logic of their decisions instead of letting fear, greed, and desire rule their choices. Because now they have no moral ground to stand upon when somebody with more weapons comes along and demands they're given all that they want. How has civilization even survived this long when it seems there are two main rules: fight for what you want and fight to keep what you have. What a fucking hassle. I'd rather be dead.

I mean, I don't want to be dead! But the push and pull of need and desire isn't quite strong enough to be upsetting in my current life. Although last night I had some really weird anxiety dreams about not feeling safe enough within my own home. Eventually that dream led to a huge party with a dessert buffet and me trying to convince some friend I didn't recognize that I wasn't stealing pages from his prescription pad. Then Jason Priestley almost hit me as he drove through the room in a blue convertible. I wasn't wondering what had become of Jason Priestley but apparently his agent has now booked him for brief appearances in people's dreams.

Meanwhile in Metropolis (not Neo-Metropolis because I don't know why), Batman Beyond has seemingly been killed by a mind-controlled Justice League: Z-Listers. That's probably not true though. It's just a plot device to ratchet up the tension to an unbearable level. I'm so fucking worried I can't even pucker my ass.

Oh thank God*! I have full control of my ass again! *Use of the term "God" does not constitute belief in said being.

Terry's brother Matt shows Tim the secret weapon he's found in a stasis tube: Superman! Boy, I sure hope releasing him doesn't turn into a whole Batman Beyond v Superman Beyond: Future Dawn of Justice thing!

Batman Beyond (whom I really should learn to simply refer to as Batman) goes right back out to continue battling the Justice League: Z-Listers because they've decided to keep destroying Metropolis. That seems like a good idea since Tim just got his ass handed back to him by them. I suppose now that he had a brief respite, he's ready to get back into the action! Plus that whole cliffhanger with his death was resolved so no reason to not get back to the action now.

The Animal-man hybrids rebel against Doctor Evilguy and smash his Techno-manipulation device. But who cares about how the Justice League: Z-Listers plus Superman have now gotten their own minds back! There's a big double-page advert for a Hanna-Barbera comic called FutureQuest by Jeff Parker and Evan Shaner! It stars the Herculoids as well as some others you may have heard of but I don't care about as much as The Herculoids. Blue Falcon and Dynomutt aren't in this advertisement but I'm hoping they eventually join the crew. Maybe I should send Jeff Parker a Tweet to remind him about their existence and how I'll keep reminding him every day until they show up.

Batman introduces himself to Superman as Tim Drake and Superman introduces himself as Jon. I hope I like him better as an adult than as that little rascal from Lois and Clark.

I wonder if I should read the new Scooby Doo book as well. It's by Giffen and DeMatteis so I might just purchase it to turn into a drinking game.

Superman heads over to Neo-Gotham to lecture everybody about how to live their lives. What a fucking Douchéstork. He disappears for the entire Brother Eye war and now he thinks he can return to tell everybody how to live their lives? I hope everybody still hates him!

Nope, they all must love him because the riots stop even though not everybody has the food they need. I guess they trust Superman to get around to feeding them after he's done celebrating with the Justice League. Meanwhile, that Rewire guy is all, "Fucking fuck. Fucking League fuckers. Fuck them fuckers." But he's got a boss who is all, "Don't sweat it, bro! We got this!"

Daredevil #5

Is this guy The Hand who The Hand are named for?!

I probably know a little bit more about Daredevil than the average person on the street who doesn't respond to "Daredevil" with "Evel Knieval?" I did have the Daredevil Secret Wars figure when I was younger. You know, the one with the secret shield cheap-ass hologram thing? I also had Wolverine. I probably made Daredevil bump into things a lot. I'm sure his stick (as well as Wolverine's claws) wound up mixed in with all of my Star Wars figure weapons. It's also possible I just gave Wolverine's claws to a Batman figure.

I appreciate that Marvel Comics prints up the Synopsis Page at the beginning of each of their comic books. Why DC doesn't do this, I have no idea. They do realize that a large majority of their fans are at that age where memory isn't everything it used to be. Also I'd rather have the previous issue of Teen Titans summarized for me before reading the new one so that I don't have to actually waste any brain space remembering that garbage.

Daredevil has become a prosecutor which I guess is new? He's always been a defense attorney before this? I guess? So now he's trying to beat up criminals so the cops can arrest them so that he can send them to prison in the courtroom! Now he just needs to get a job pulling the switch on the electric chair and he'll have a monopoly on justice!

Currently Daredevil is trying to get Tenfingers behind bars but his job has become complicated by The Hand butting in. They want to kill Tenfingers for stealing their special hand lotion and Daredevil doesn't like the idea of killing. I know that because I saw the second season of Daredevil on Netflix and Daredevil was constantly going, "No Punisher! Don't kill those people! Stop it, you big brute!"

Oh, this guy is named The Fist. Don't all the hand references get tiresome after awhile? And how many more can even be made at this point? We've got Tenfingers, The Hand, and The Fist. I guess Open Palm and Jerk-off Motion haven't been used yet.

I bet there is at least one Hand Ninja who always cracks himself up when starting a mission by saying, "This looks like a job for The Hand!"

I'm not one to engage in all the DC versus Marvel fanboy nonsense but I'm offering this to anybody to use on a forum when someone says that DC is too silly or unrealistic. Just reply with this image from the Marvel Universe!

Blindspot is locked in Tenfingers' temple along with The Fist so he sends a Tweet asking his followers to all say "Daredevil. The temple." Matt gets the message and rushes off suspiciously. Although it's not really suspicious because nobody would ever believe a blind guy is actually Daredevil! I'm reading it and I know it's a comic book and I know it's in a universe with Galactus and The Hulk and Batroc the Leaper, and I barely believe it!

Anyway, there's a battle and Tenfingers is killed and Daredevil saves some people and Blindspot saves more people and that's the end of that story. Next, Electra! Unless it's Elektra because she's Greek!

Justice League of America #8

It's a Neal Adams variant and a Batman v Superman variant all in one!

Rating: If you don't like a story telling you that your spiritual belief is dumb through allegory, you might want to skip this comic book. I suppose you can pretend that the story is about everybody else's false beliefs and has nothing to do with yours. Religious people are pretty good at doing that. So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this will entertain you because you can see a bunch of people believing in a false god get their comeuppance! Stupid followers of Rao! Don't they know that ________ is the only real God! Just insert the name of your preferred god in that line because I don't care which one you think is real since none of them actually are.

• Previously on JLA SVU, Superman flew The Church of Rao into the moon. It was kind of a dick move because everybody seems happy with the Church of Rao and who is Superman to deny them their happiness? Sure, everybody is being mind-controlled at a genetic level (or something! I'm not a scientist or psychic!) but why should that matter? They chose to be happy (except the ones who didn't choose and were forced but then they were happy so what's the difference, right?)! And nobody has the right to tell anybody else that their choice of religion is stupid. Apparently. I mean, I'm keeping that right because everybody's choice of religion is stupid. And, once again, it's not really a choice. At least it's very rarely a choice. Everybody in the real world who believes in religion has been brainwashed which is mind-control-lite.

• Responding to that statement with "I am not brainwashed!" is exactly what somebody who was brainwashed would say!

• My favorite religion is Scientology because it's so utterly ridiculous that even people who have their own utterly ridiculous religious beliefs sputter and shake their heads and say, "Holy fucking Christ, that shit is ridiculous!" Is that how religious people talk? It's also possible they say, "By Allah! Scientology! What a fucking joke!" I think there are some other religions I could pretend to quote but I don't want to get in trouble with the last People of the Book because I've heard that they control everything.

• Superman and Rao battle each other back to Earth. This would make a good script for Rocky X.

• Superman learns that by beating on Rao, he's just hurting Rao's believers on Earth. Because the entire point of Rao's religion is so he can live forever by using up the life forces of his worshipers. That means Superman can't solve this problem by punching it as hard as he can. Oh well. I guess Earth is fucked.

• Oh wait! I forgot this was a Justice League comic book! That means Batman is still around to save the day. Or one of the other ones. Except for Aquaman.

• Dammit! I just said you can't help, dum-dum!

• Stupid Aquaman! He just stabbed millions of Earthlings in the back with his trident! I guess the rest of the League always forget about him and didn't keep him in the loop about Rao's plan!

• Superman stops Aquaman and Wonder Woman from killing Rao before they actually kill everybody on Earth.

• See?! Not in the loop!

• Batman and Cyborg have a plan that probably involves Parasite. They BOOM TUBE Rao and the others to the power plant where The Infinity Corporation first tricked them into battling Parasite before Rao showed up.

• The Flash is probably attending Woodstock right now. And Green Lantern is dillydallying on Ancient Krypton.

• The plan does indeed involve Parasite sucking Rao dry. Which I guess means sucking the people of Earth dry. But they'll get over it! I think?

• The Flash comes back just in time to add his power to The Parasite. Batman tells him to give Parasite access to the Speed Force and Barry is all, "Sure! Never question Batman!"

• Seriously. Never question Batman.

• Once Rao has enough power, Cyborg does the thing that is the plan and defibrillates all of Rao's followers which knocks them back to their senses. At least the senses they had which still allowed them to believe in Jesus or Allah or Yahweh or one of the other ones.

• The Justice League are knocked silly long enough for Rao to wander away to the Infinity Corporation where the Oblivion Stones are being held. Unless the stones are called something else. I can't remember.

• Superman has died in the battle. Which is bad news because the Infinity Corporation came to stop Superman dying in this universe just like he's been dying in every other universe. Basically they just helped cause the thing they were trying to stop. Welcome to the world of prophecy and time travel, dum-dums!