Batman and Robin Eternal #23

Rating: +1 Ranking.

This issue had two pieces of dialogue that made me laugh out loud. Both were delivered by Midnighter and directed at Dick Grayson. So it's obvious to me that we now need a monthly Midnighter Loves Dick book.

The main problem I'm currently having with this story (which is to say I'm ignoring all of the other previous main problems I've had with it) is that kids in twelve cities across the globe have, presumably, just murdered all of their parents. And if they have yet to murder anybody (which we should probably assume or else we're accepting a pretty major failure state from our heroes), the way to stop them is by sending exactly one hero to each of these cities to battle hundreds or thousands of children.

Okay, fine. The main thing the heroes are supposed to do is disable the receivers picking up the Somnus transmission. But they're doing it by way of punching a bunch of children in the face, if I'm to believe Midnighter's monitors.

You know what? Let's forget the possible holes in this plan and the horrible loss of life that has probably already occurred and let me ask this: who else is already thinking of Cullen as Midnighter's sidekick? I suggest the name "Past-His-Bedtime Boy".

Edge of Oblivion #3

When did Guy begin wearing a sheet of metal around his stomach?

Rating: -1 Ranking.

The Green Lantern Corps are still in another universe. They're still confused. Their rings still fail to work against the story's main enemy. And I'm still bored.

At this point in my life, I don't know what kind of crazy space adventure the Green Lantern Corps could participate in that would make me happy. But I do know that this story is simply the story which needed to be written because DC decided Cullen Bunn's idea of sending the Green Lantern's into Relic's universe was not the total shit idea it turned to be. So now DC had to publish a new story to fix that story. And to prove that the Green Lantern Corps are in a really dire situation (since, you know, being in a universe that's going to end in four days doesn't quite ramp up the tension enough), a few well-known Green Lantern Corps members had to die. Although they were just the weird fish guy, the talking squirrel, and the member who reminded everybody that Hal Jordan is a pedophile. So no big loss, I guess?

Green Lantern #50

Parallax, Hal Jordan, and now movie Green Lantern as well? What an orgy! I mean fight!

Really, DC? I'm going to have to pay five bucks for every 50th issue? It's not like 50 is a big deal when it comes to monthly publications! Forty-eight, maybe. Or sixty. But fifty? That's a celebration of somebody's four year, two month anniversary! Why bother? Although, I suppose, if you include the Zero and the Villain's Month and the Futures End Issues, this is more like Issue #53. Which is even less impressive than fifty. I guess because we use a base ten numeric system, we can't help but regard the number fifty as special. Although combining our calendar system with our base ten system, Issue #60 would be more special since it's the five year anniversary of a comic. But you know what? I don't run your company! You do what you think is best, DC Comics. Besides, it's not like any of these comic books are going to reach Issue #60 with Rebirth.

This issue basically begins with a double splash page of a barren waste. Way to get my boner to grow back inside of my body, DC! I paid five bucks for this?! I know I shouldn't judge just four pages in but what else do I have going on in my life? If I can't feel good about my own accomplishments, I'd at least like to feel good about shitting all over somebody else's!

The barren waste is Coast City from the old DC Universe. Remember when it was destroyed by Cyborg Superman and Green Lantern flipped the fuck out? Then he became Parallax and all of the Hal Jordan fans went, "What the fuck are you doing, DC? Fuck you. Fuck you and your mother and your father and all future generations! I mean, obviously a comic book company doesn't have a mother or father or plans for any future progeny. But fuck you anyway, you fuckers!" But all the people who weren't fans of Hal Jordan were all, "Ha ha!" Until Kyle Rayner became a Green Lantern while holding his dick in his hands. And then they were all, "Oh. Maybe I laughed too soon." Okay fine. That was just my reaction. Apparently fans loved Kyle Rayner because he was a representation of the common comic book reader and creator. This was represented by how he became a hero with his dick in his hands.

The barren waste double splash page gives way to a Coast City is Alive! double splash page because art. Art is defined as taking a person's money and giving them the barest minimum of bullshit, right? Anyway, Parallax is happy to be in a universe where Coast City hasn't been destroyed. A universe where his failures aren't starkly represented by the smoking crater of his home town. Of course, it isn't his home town. But Parallax is a crazy fucker so it's good enough.

Parallax decides he'll spend the rest of his life protecting Coast City. That means he must protect it from the one person who would destroy it! Cyborg Superman!

I mean Hal Jordan! Wait. What?

Whatever. I suppose this makes sense because Parallax and Hal Jordan have to fight or else how could this be a super hero comic book? Good intentions always result in a miscommunication that turns into fisticuffs. If I want to get into the psychology of Parallax, I guess I could defend his belief that Hal Jordan will be the cause of Coast City's destruction. Parallax still blames himself. Or, at least, the old self he used to be. Coast City was destroyed because he failed it. He's such an egomaniac that he can't even blame the actual person who destroyed the city. It was Hal Jordan's responsibility to protect it and thus it was Hal Jordan who eventually destroyed it. So now his old self must be punished for failing Coast City.

Also, Parallax is insane. Not in a "I have mental issues and I take umbrage with labeling everybody 'crazy' or 'insane' because I'm not like that!" No, of course you're not like that, people with various mental health issues that are all completely different and in no way indicative of anybody else's mental health issues. Parallax is old school comic book crazy. He's a narcissist. He's a mass murderer. He's a megalomaniac. He's the hero of his own story but his story is a fucking Mad Lib filled out by people who don't know the difference between a gerund and a type of animal. Idiots.

Hal Jordan is busy feeling sorry for himself because he couldn't stop a Ferris wheel from falling on his nephew.

Save this speech for Parallax, Hal Jordan's brother!

Just like fucking Hal Jordan. His brother's kid almost died and Hal Jordan goes about feeling sorry for himself. So now Hal's brother has to make Hal feel better when Hal should be strong for his brother! Fucking baby. I bet he still thinks Carol Ferris was the problem in their relationship.

Hal and his brother's family head to the park to fly a drone about and Parallax shows up to make things weird. Hal doesn't understand why some villain would pretend to be him until the villain starts acting like a crazed, power-hungry egomaniac. And then Hal is all, "Oh yeah! You are me!"

For a guy who wants to protect Coast City, Parallax is doing a pretty poor job of it already. I suppose he didn't say he cared about protecting the cars of Coast City.

Hal explains to Parallax how everything that happened to Parallax in the old DC Universe also happened to him. But it had to have happened differently, right? Because, I mean, the Death of Superman had to have happened differently. Because Cyborg Superman wasn't a thing. Hank Henshaw has only recently returned from his space mission in Lois and Clark. The Cyborg Superman of the DC Youniverse is a totally different creature who couldn't give a fuck about destroying Coast City. But apparently Hal Jordan lives in a more integrated DC Youniverse than Superman because Green Lantern was being written by Geoff Johns during The New 52 transition. I probably shouldn't even try thinking about how it all fits together because Rebirth is coming and it's all going to be different soon anyway. Again.

Hal defeats Parallax not through some creatively written way that I used to expect from comic book writers. No, Hal simply beats Parallax by declaring he's more powerful and having more will and making a bigger light show. I don't know about anybody else but I'm a bit bored of all the battles that simply come down to the hero simply having more heart than his enemies. So boring. He could have at least used his ring to make a huge Tiamat to drive off Parallax. But, being Hal, he simply made a giant version of himself. It's the greatest weapon he could come up with!

Green Lantern #50 Rating: No change. Hopefully the new Green Lantern Rebirth will simply be DC's admission that they don't have any idea what Hal Jordan's past is like anymore and that they're throwing their hands in the air and just accepting every story ever written as canon. Let the fucking readers sort it out.

Bombshells #10

Why is there a man on the cover? Ugh.

Rating: No change.

There was a moment in this issue where I found myself thinking, "I'm almost out of Swedish Fish." Which is to say I wasn't concentrating closely on the reading material. Which suggests I might have grown a bit bored with this story. Sure, the issue had my full attention when Selina was ripping off her dress or when she was kissing Kate and, presumably, cupping her pudenda, or when Zatanna's fantastic cleavage almost had its own double splash page. But overall, I felt a bit icky. I mean, I get that it's fun and sexy to rewrite World War II fought by a secret organization of Bombshells. But in another way, it's saying some things that feel disrespectful to the memories of those who suffered through the Nazi genocide. "If only an American with a baseball bat and legs up to her vagina (you know, like normal legs!) could have rallied the Jewish people to fight back against the Nazis! If only a Wondrous Woman could have inspired the German soldiers to reclaim their humanity through bravery and standing up against political and cultural forces to deny the evil of their leading regime! If only all of the victims had done something differently or had a better leader, maybe things would have turned out better! The whole thing kind of feels like blaming the victims of World War II for not having enough gumption and American rebelliousness to prevent the tragedies that befell them!

On the other hand, I don't really care about that shit. I just want more women using their fingers and tongues and toes on each other!

The New Titans #59 (October 1989)

Answer: Foe! I think. Anyway, Wildebeest is a doctor. I think. I mean, he’s still not who anybody thinks he is. I think. Basically, Marv Wolfman created a super villain whom he became so enamored of that he just kept making each new super villain Wildebeest. So every few issues, the Titans stop Wildebeest but then it turns out they didn’t stop him at all because Wildebeest is a tricky fucker! So in this issue, they capture a doctor who must be Wildebeest because he’s got the suit and the computer and the Cyborg fail-safe. But — GASP! — his mind shuts off when he’s captured and then the comic ends with Wildebeest watching Kory and Dick fuck in the sky while laughing! Double gasp!

Batman and Robin Eternal #22

The Robins only care about restoring Batman's memory because he hasn't paid allowance for six months.

I don't normally post on Facebook because I'm way too facetious for most of my family. Every now and then, I'll post something on a whim. Like today I posted this: "Since I don't currently have a child, pet, or meal to photograph, I'll just say God doesn't exist. Enjoy!" People who aren't instantly butthurt by the idea that an atheist has a right to express their viewpoint just like Christians might possibly get the joke. People post lighthearted shit on Facebook and it's generally of the same few topics. I didn't have a picture of any of those, so I said God doesn't exist and asked people to enjoy my share. Even if I don't believe in God, it's obviously a fucking joke, right? "I don't have any bullshit to share so here's something heavy as fuck!" I mean, I don't think declaring God doesn't exist is heavy but, well, you know. It's Facebook! Anyway, my aunt follows up with this:

Shirt Boy is just a nickname for my deceased cat Judas. She knows he's dead. Now she thinks it's cute to use his loss to testify about God and heaven! But what the fuck is up with those emoticons?! Is she laughing about my dead friend?! Those better be tears of sorrow, bitch! I'm calling the emoticon a bitch and not my Aunt! Maybe!

The Non-Certified Spouse decided to take the question literally and explain that Judas is nowhere because he's dead. Also he's not with any God. He's just dead. He's in the backyard under a statue garden I set up which includes some Sailor Moon figures. So my Aunt continues her kindhearted Christian line of questioning.

Holy shit, Melva! Slow your roll!

I had typed out "Yes, he's currently sucking the devil's cock while being raped by demons." But then I deleted it because I already started some shit I didn't mean to start by being lighthearted and facetious in the first place. Some might not think a statement about sucking Satan's cock and being raped by demons is lighthearted. Which is why I sometimes get into this small scale bullshit on Facebook. It's one of the reasons I rarely respond to people because they're all so fucking serious about everything! I don't even mind she said my beloved friend of fifteen years is in hell! Because it's silly. I know exactly where he is! I wonder if I should dig him up for a picture and post it to Melva's wall? "Heeeeeeeeeere's Shirtboy!"

Being too serious about everything is super lame! And yes, person whose going to call me out for using the word because they need to feel some kind of power in their meager lives, I mean "lame" in the ableist way and not in the modern way which in no way is meant to be a slight against people like Donald Blake! He's so fucking lame he can't even tell Jane Foster he loves her! I mean, maybe he can and has already. I have never read a modern Marvel comic book about Thor!

Time to take seriously a comic book about a bunch of kids who think a psycho with a bat fetish is their dad!

Ooh! Genevieve Valentine is scripting this issue! Be still my aching penis!

The Robins are having a tough time figuring out where to begin to stop Mother's plans. But Dick Grayson has an idea!

Damian had to say "Grayson" because saying "Dick" here would have been to ambiguous.

It's time for Damian to tell all of the Robins about how much of a gigantic pusshole Batman really was! I bet Damian once walked into him weeping over family pictures of all of his children and mumbling through a snot waterfall, "I love you all! You're all so special in your own ways and cock sizes! But for some idiotic reason that I can't comprehend because it feels like some jerkoff editors are controlling my life, I can never tell them how much they all mean to me!"

I was close with my "special in your own ways and cock sizes" prediction.

Damian pulls out his cock and shows the others it's bigger than all of theirs combined. Metaphorically! Don't be disgusting! He's just a little boy! Eugh. Why would you even think I meant that literally, you perv?!

While the Robins come up with a plan that's better than "Let's give up!", Mother activates the Ichthys Protocol. Or Subroutine. Or Virus. Whatever. She turns on the satellite that will make all of the children of the world into her soldiers. Or dead. Or, I suppose, not her soldiers and not dead. I mean, Jason Todd fought against Ichthys. I'm sure a few other random kids will too. But they won't be important to the story so I probably shouldn't have even mentioned them!

Batman and Robin Eternal #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. That Plus Two was absolutely earned because of Genevieve's script and the scene with Damian and Bruce. I'm so sick of angry, psychotic, grim Bruce Wayne! That moment was the truest Batman I've ever read! Okay, that was hyperbole. Maybe I should have said, "That was the truest Batman I can remember reading!" That's better because I really don't remember much of what I read. What a waste of life, right?! Why do I even bother if I only retain about ten percent of any media I consume! I'm such an idiot! I couldn't even spell "idiot" right the first time I typed it! I'm the worst!

No. Wait. My aunt is the worst!

Batgirl #49

Tempest?

Rating: No change.

Dear Diary,
For the past few weeks, I've had this big time jerk rooting around in my memories while I slept! I hope he wasn't rooting around in anything else, the perv! Luckily I don't have any memories of doing it with anybody! How embarrassing that would have been! Although I do have memories of masturbating furiously in my sleeping bag in sixth grade camp while thinking about how Tony Gagliore rubbed up against while he was getting his lunch tray! I hope Fugue didn't sell that memory to anybody because it would probably get big bucks! Although I'm underage in the memory so that's gross. Does it count as child pornography if I remember myself at an earlier age doing dirty things to myself?! I hope not because that memory of Tony rubbing up against me still does it for me! Hmm, now that I have my memories back, I seem to remember the water pressure in this apartment is sexy. I'll be back later to tell you about the big fight the girls and I had with Fugue!

P.S. That memory really does do something to me! You wouldn't believe the swamp I made in my underwear, Diary! Eww! But "Eww!" in a good way! BIG MANGA WINK!