Wildfire!

In Honor of His *ahem* Death in Legion Lost #15

Part 5 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

"Drake Burroughs was a student at Metropolis University in the latter half of the 30th Century when he got caught in an accident in a University research laboratory [Lawsuit!]. His human body was destroyed, and he was was [sic] transformed into sentient anti-enegy [What the hell is anti-energy? I have a feeling I'm going to be filled with it for the next 18 days which I have off!].

His new form was captured in a specialized 'containment suit' [Why the fuck are those quotation marks there? Does it imply the containment wasn't total? That the suit wasn't really very suit-like? That the containment suit served a real purpose unrelated to containment? Such as enslavement?] constructed by Professor Vultan. The suit, a sort of pseudo-body-form [Read: Iron Man], allowed Drake a measure of humanoid existence as well as powers based on his new energy self.

Taking the name Erg-1 [I'm absolutely reading that as Urge One.] (for Energy Release Generator), Drake applied for membership in the Legion of Super-Heroes (see LSH) and was rejected [Ha ha ha! If he'd chosen the name Urge Boy, he'd of been right in.]. Attempting to prove his worth, he released his total energy and left his original containment suit [Kind of like what just happened in Legion Lost #15! This joker ain't dead! Fraud! Faker! It's all a ploy to make Dawnstar's boobs forget about Timber Wolf's penis!].

When his dispersed energies [Hee hee hee.] coalesced and returned to Earth, he reclaimed his suit and entered the Legion as Wildfire [Wait wait wait. What did I miss? How did that help him to join? URGE BOY: "Look at what I can do?" *EXPLODE* BRAINIAC 5: "Where did he go? Um, okay, whatever." Months later. WILDFIRE: "Ta-da!" DAWNSTAR: "That's hot. Hire him!"]. He has destroyed and use a number of containment suits since, each with a slightly different effect on his powers."

Powers & Weapons

"Wildfire is composed of anti-energy, which can be channelled into bursts of varying strength and effect. With proper use, they can permit him to fly, destroy most material objects, and counter most types of energy attacks [I wonder if there is a suit that lets him channel his energy into fucking Dawnstar?]. His energy appears inexhaustible [Ooh la la!], as the anti-energy of his form interacts constantly with the positive matter of our universe in miniature nuclear reactions [That's enough science proof for me!]. He waived personal combat training, as none of his containment suits allow for complex enough movements necessary for effective use of the more sophisticated techniques [So he's a pussy hand-to-hand combatant? Is that what you're telling me, Who's Who?]"

Cain!

Part 4 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

"Little is known of the early life of the man called Cain before he became caretaker of the so-called House of Mystery [And what about after John Constantine became Caretaker? Where is Cain now? Was he also the first vampire that created Andrew Bennett? Is he the spirit behind the Unknown Soldier?], and thus it has been speculated that he and his brother, Abel, caretaker of the House of Secrets [A much better house, in my opinion.] (see Abel), are in fact the reincarnated manifestations of the biblical Cain and Abel, the first murderer and his victim.

"What is known is that Cain is a consummate storyteller who takes particular delight in tales designed to terrify his audience [So that explains why the House of Mystery seemed more like the House of Horror over in Justice League Dark. Maybe.].

Unlike the House of Secrets, which stands directly across the cemetery from it, nothing is known of the origins of the House of Mystery [Because it's a mystery! The origin of the House of Secrets is known but nobody is telling. Shh! It's a secret!]. It is a large old rambling house of indeterminate architecture that has, on occasion, seemed to possess a life of its own. Rooms come and go in the House of Mystery [Speaking of Michelangelo, I presume.], and no room ever appears to be quite the same any two times one looks at it."

Powers & Weapons

"Cain possesses no true powers save for a slight malicious streak [I guess he wasn't killing his brother every time they'd have tea yet. That must have begun in Sandman. Otherwise "slight malicious streak" seems a bit understated.], a diabolical sense of humor [He tells racist jokes about devils and demons.], and an unnatural gift for storytelling [I guess it's so good it's scary?]. A sub-par hand-to-hand combatant [When an entry tells me the character's occupation is "caretaker", I'm not usually curious how good he is at physical combat. Although if he is the first murderer, at least you know he can swing a hoe like a thug.], Cain prefers to rely on his wits when confronted with physical violence [He also relies on the Mark of Cain on his forehead that curses anyone that tries to harm him.]."

Monsieur Mallah!

Part Three of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

"Ten years before his own death, a French scientist whose name has not been revealed experimented upon a large gorilla that was stronger and more agile than most other gorillas. [Was there a competition?] Through secret teaching methods, shock treatments, and other methods that remain unknown [You mean like secret teaching methods? What about unknown methods of secrecy? Or unknown teaching methods? Secret shock treatments of unknowability?], the scientist vastly increased the ape's intelligence. The gorilla gained an I.Q. of 178, making him a genius. [Everybody knows it's not the size of your I.Q. that matters; it's how you use it.] The scientist also gave the ape the ability to speak human languages. [Well, French anyway.] The scientist named the gorilla Monsieur Mallah and trained him to read, write, and speak human languages [the French, remember?! Just in case you forgot after all the time that passed since that last sentence ended], and instucted him in various areas of science and medicine. [But mostly science. And by science, I mean guns.] Mallah became the scientist's chief assistant. [You really have to be cheap to train a fucking monkey to be your assistant just so you don't have to drop any cash on wages and benefits.]

When the scientist died, Mallah, following instructions that the scientist had given him, immediately removed his mentor's brain surgically and transferred it to a sophisticated [and classy!] receptacle that was connected to a vast computer network. The receptacle enabled the brain to remain alive and to monitor events around it and to even speak through special equipment. The scientist, who is now known as the Brain, assisted by Mallah, organized the original Brotherhood of Evil to advance his goals of achieving power and wealth [What the fuck is he going to do with power and wealth as a brain in a fucking jar? Is he going to impress female brains in jars?] (see Brain, Brotherhood of Evil). Eventually, the Brain would seek to conquer the world.

One member of the Brotherhood was Laura DeMille, whose mind was altered by the Brain and Mallah so that she became the evil Madame Rouge [How many fans simply called her Madame Rogue and never fucking knew the difference? My guess after being a denizen of the internet? All of them.] (see Madame Rouge).

The Brotherhood clashed unsuccessfully many times with the original Doom Patrol (see Doom Patrol I). [I guess when I get around to scanning all of these other entries, I'll have to link up these parenthetical references] Finally, Madame Rouge turned against the Brain and Mallah and seemingly killed them by blowing up their Parisian headquarters.

However, the Brain and Mallah had faked their own deaths. They remained in hiding for years while recruiting the members of the current Brotherhood of Evil. [Where you can see them get their asses handed to them in the pages of Tales of the Teen Titans!] The Brain and Mallah and the new Brotherhood of Evil at last pursued Madame Rouge to Africa, where she died in a battle with the Changeling [You know! Beast Boy when he had a dumb name and a dumb costume!] (see Changeling).

Monsieur Mallah, the Brain, and their new Brotherhood are still at large, their current whereabouts and activities unknown."

Powers & Weapons

"Monsieur Mallah has intelligence equal to that of a human genius, and is an expert in many areas of science [Guns!] and technology [Lasers!], as well as a brilliant surgeon [He can rip your fucking arms off!]. However, his genius does not match that of the Brain, and Mallah operates devices the Brain designs rather than creating his own. [His all ended up running on bananas.]

Mallah is stronger and more agile than non-super-powered humans [And most other gorillas! Don't forget the other gorillas! Take that, Grodd!], and is a truly formidable hand-to-hand[-to-monkey's paw] combatant."

Dial "H" for Hero!

Part Two of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

"When teenage genius Robby Reed [Why did he need to be a genius?] found himself caught in the middle of a crime rampage by the organization known as Thunderbolt, he was hurled from a cliff to what appeared to be certain doom by a mechanical menace. [Well that's fucking vague as fuck.] Miraculously, Robby survived the fall and found himself in a previously unexplored cavern.

There, Robby uncovered a weird dial inscribed with an alien language. Discovering he had a mental link to the dial [That's queer. A mental link with an inanimate piece of metal?], Robby was able to decipher the alien characters and dial the alien equivalent of H-E-R-O. This instantly transformed him into the super-hero known as Giant-Boy [My, my. They were so creative in the 60s!], and began his heroic career. Each time Robby dialed those four letters, he became a new and different hero, each endowed [Hee hee. Endowed!] with strange and wonderful powers to battle Thunderbolt as well as other villains and menaces.

Robby's super-heroic career came to an abrupt and unexpected end when he confronted a villain called Shirkon of the Many Eyes. In order to defeat the villain, Robby dialed S-P-L-I-T on his dial and was transformed into two entities, one a being of pure goodness called The Wizard and the other a being of pure evil called The Master. While The Wizard defeated Shirkon, The Master dialed the H-dial into oblivion [Ooh! Ooh! That's the guy from the current series, right?! The one that lives in the Null Creature!] and wiped out the past memories of Robby Reed.

Some years later, Christopher King and Victoria Grant were summoned by a mysterious voice to the attic of the house into which the King family had just moved. There, in an ornate chest, they discovered two small dials, each with the letters H-E-R-O inscribed upon its face. Unbeknownst to Chris or Vicki, these dials had been created by the same Wizard who had once been half of Robby Reed. [Gross.]

Though their dials had only four letters each [I wonder if Chris kept trying to get Vicki to dial H-O-R-E?] and their transformations were limited to an hour's duration, Chris and Vicki's transformations were as bizarre as any of those experienced by Robby Reed. Eventually, they revealed their powers to their friend Nick Stevens [So what your saying is they revealed their "endowments"?], a young artist who liked to design super-heroes--heroes that Chris and Vicki invariably became. [No wonder Manteau keeps transforming into sexist, half-naked heroes!]

Chris and Vicki used their powers to battle numerous super-villains, many of whom were created by the evil Master [Shouldn't that be the evil The Master?], who sought their H-dials, though he was never really sure exactly why. Years before, The Master had apparently slain the Wizard [So we're just going to stop capitalizing the "the"?], but in fact had merely released the Wizard's spirit to a higher plane of existence [Like Vader did to Obi Wan!] where he could search oblivion for his original H-dial.

The final confrontation between Wizard and Master was witnessed by Chris, Vicki, and Nick. The astral form of the Wizard had located the original H-dial and then used it to dial both the Wizard and Master back into one being--Robby Reed. Robby explained the truth about his two selves to Chris, Nick, and Vicki, then announced he was giving up hero-dialing forever. He presented his original dial to Nick. [What did Robby Reed do after this? How many years had passed? Did he just get a job at a truck stop? I need closure!]

Though they have been inactive in recent months, Chris, Nick, and Vicki retain their H-dials, ever ready [Speaking of "ever ready," George Knapp on Coast to Coast tonight described a guest as "the everready bunny" because he "keeps going and going." Let's hope Energizer isn't a sponsor of the radio show!] to Dial "H" for Hero."

First Appearance (Robby Reed): HOUSE OF MYSTERY #156
(Chris and Vicki): ADVENTURE COMICS #479

The Haunted Tank!

Part One of an at least 52 part series of Who's Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

"The Haunted Tank is the nickname given to the series of tanks commanded during World War Two by Lieutenant Jeb Stuart and watched over by the ghost of General Jeb Stuart, the great military leader for the Confederacy during the Civil War.

General James Ewell Brown (J.E.B.) Stuart became famous during the first Battle of Bull Run. He was placed in command of the cavalry under General Robert E. Lee, but was fatally wounded in 1864 at Yellow Tavern, Virginia, during the battle for Richmond.

Shortly after America became involved in World War Two, the spirit of Alexander the Great assigned the ghost of General Stuart to act as the guardian of the Stuart M3 tank commanded by the general's namesake, Sgt. Jeb Stuart, in North Africa. General Stuart was outraged, since Sgt. Stuart and his crew were all Northerners. However, the general was greatly impressed watching Sgt. Stuart and his men in battle. Finally, Sgt. Stuart, who could see the general's ghost, won him over by flying a Confederate flag on his tank and declaring that they would fight under General Stuart's flag. Ever since then, the general's ghost has gladly watched over his namesake, his crew, and whichever tank they ride. (There are other, different accounts of the Haunted Tank's origin, but this is the one most frequently given.)

Only Sgt. Stuart, who was later promoted to lieutenant, and people who are dying can see and hear the general's ghost. Lt. Stuart's crew thinks that he merely imagines the ghost and is partly crazy, but they have complete faith in his combat skills. The general's ghost is allowed to counsel his namesake, but can only give him warnings in cryptic ways.

Lt. Stuart has lost various tanks in battle. In the most recent accounts, he commands a Sherman tank.

Lt. Stuart's original crew consisted of Private Rick Rawlins, the gunner; Corporal Slim Stryker, the driver; and Corporal Arch Asher, the loader. Asher was killed inside a German tank that caught fire and exploded. He was replaced by Corporal Gus Gray, a black Olympic athlete. Stryker, while temporarily acting as gunner, was killed by shrapnel. Stryker was replaced as driver by Sgt. Bill Craig, who had served for thirty years in the army, first with the horse cavalry and later in a tank in World War One. The Haunted Tank then took on its fourth crew member, Eddie Craig, who is Bill Craig's son. Eddie became the new loader, allowing Gus to become the tank's second gunner. Apart from Stuart himself, the only surviving member of the original crew in the most recently recorded adventures is Rick Rawlins.

It is not yet known whether Lt. Stuart and any of his remaining crew members survived the end of World War Two."

First Appearance: G. I. Combat #87

Earth 2 #8

Is that Lashina with Steppenwolf?

As you can see from the cover, Steppenwolf was not the mystery person to follow Supergirl and Robin through the Boom Tube to Earth 0. He's taken up residence in a small country called Dehrain that has closed its borders to the rest of the world in the wake of the Apokolips conflict. Apparently this country had helped Darkseid and his minions so the rest of the world hates their guts. Steppenwolf is welcomed with open arms (as long as he doesn't start any more trouble).

If your race doesn't require sustenance, why would you shove food in your face hole? Where is it going to go? You must not have a digestive system. Or has your race simply grown past the need to digest food and now your whole digestive system is just a vestigial system? Maybe it's now simply used for shoplifting and parlor tricks.

While Steppenwolf is cramming food into his body so that it can just sit inside him and rot, the guards outside the palace are waiting for the order to kill him. Oh, I guess the welcome wasn't as open armed as I thought it was! The ruler is just using Steppenwolf to get his technology and then they plan on capturing him and turning him over to the World Army for a huge bounty. Except I don't think the World Army is going to pay a bounty to a rogue nation! They should think twice about this plan. Especially the part where they believe they can kill Steppenwolf with only one nation's worth of soldiers.

Of course Steppenwolf knows what's up because that's what happens in comic books. Nobody can ever have a secret advantage over anybody else. Well, that's not true. The person who thinks they have the secret advantage is usually giving the advantage to the other person because the other person will always know the secret and thus have a secret, secret advantage, if you follow. And Steppenwolf has one soldier still loyal to him.

I was not wondering where Wonder Woman's daughter was this whole time even though I should have been! They even name her on the cover and I was too dense to notice. I wonder if her baby has become Dream yet?

Steppenwolf and Fury didn't drop by Dherain simply for the festivities, food, and fighting. Steppenwolf wants to rule over a country with a non-aggression treaty with the rest of Earth. Will the World Army honor the treaty even when Steppenwolf takes the throne? Probably! But I bet they'll be all bitter and angsty about it! Except for Terry Sloan. That bastard will probably begin making deals with Steppenwolf if he hasn't already.

Seeing Steppenwolf slicing up soldiers with his lava axe (I think it was some form of electro-axe before but this one looks like it's made of lava) makes me want to dig out my Super Friends Action Figures. It also makes me want to go out and buy some of the New 52 action figures! But why? What would I do with them? They'd just stand around mocking me. Maybe if I reorganized my office, I could display them proudly! I could leave them out in the open because I don't have any stupid kids to come along and break them! Then I could play war and throw darts at them!

Or maybe I could just save my money for candy.

Steppenwolf and Fury defeat Dherain's army and Steppenwolf beheads the king. Immediately everyone bows down to Steppenwolf and they accept him as ruler. At least those standing right in front of him and his gigantic axe. I'm sure there is already a rebel group having a clandestine meeting in the cellar of the library to devise a plan to oust this fascist tyrant. Although that would have to be dealt with in another comic book because this comic book will probably deal with the World Army and the new Wonders trying to capture or kill Steppenwolf.

Next issue: Doctor Fate!

Earth 2 #8 Rating: No change. Nothing special and nothing horrible in this comic. Earth 2 continues to unfold slowly. Now I don't mind stories that take their time. But it's difficult to feel satisfied when a comic book is a mere 20 pages long. Although I'm really glad they're no longer than that or else this blog would take even longer to write each week. Anyway, the cover really says all that needs to be said! Fury and Steppenwolf make the scene! Next!

Stormwatch #16

If Indigo-1's words of wisdom that rage and love go hand to hand are true, then this is the greatest love of all.

Harry Tanner has become the Fourth Man Shadow Lord and has turned all of Stormwatch against Midnighter. He had to do this because he knew Midnighter would see through his lie almost immediately. I don't know what Harry Tanner has told the other three Shadow Lords. Perhaps they're simply so far above everything else that they don't really care what happens with Stormwatch on a day to day basis.

And then Midnighter found himself bested by Grifter in Grifter's comic book where logic and rationality go to die.

While Harry has easily convinced The Engineer of Midnighter's betrayal and turned Apollo against Midnighter by making him believe Midnighter never loved him and was only using him, Harry really hasn't made an effort to convince Jack and Jenny of his lie. So I speculated last commentary that it would be up to these two to figure out the truth. And by the third page, they're well on their way.

Is that The Fox who was turned into a portal by Harry Tanner?

And then Apollo catches up with Midnighter and the greatest of all lover's quarrels begins! Apollo definitely has the upper hand because The Midnighter's offensive options are limited. He doesn't want to hurt Andrew, so he's going to have to play defense for as long as possible. But Apollo is fast and strong and thoroughly pissed off.

The Engineer and Harry Tanner have a discussion as they speed off to watch Apollo kill Midnighter. And that discussion is Harry Tanner's downfall because he treats Angie exactly like he treated her while he was breaking her heart. Apparently no matter what the disguise or how good the lie, an asshole is always going to be an asshole.

One thing that's hard to hide is the irritation caused by dealing with an ex.

Harry Tanner, Shadow Lord, commands Apollo not to kill Midnighter yet. Instead they all transport back up to the Eye of the Storm where Harry Tanner can execute Midnighter properly. Why do the bad guys always stop the thing they most want done simply so they can witness it or say a speech before it or some other silly reason that will delay it just long enough for everything to go wrong? You bad guys suck at being bad guys! Finally Harry Tanner uses his new Shadow Lord powers (unless these are part of his sword creation powers) to blast Midnighter into nothingness!

Now you want it done nice and quick! Also note that this is yet another shoot your own dog moment. A lot of that going on in The New 52 the last couple of months.

Before Apollo can get around to killing his man, Jenny Quantum appears out of a wormhole with The Fox. Nobody would believe Midnighter when he said the Shadow Lord was Harry Tanner because The Midnighter is a psychopath. But The Fox's burnt out villainous corpse is a bit more convincing somehow when it points out the Shadow Lord is Harry Tanner. And if that isn't convincing enough, The Engineer explains that her nanites have determined that the odds of the Shadow Lord not being Harry Tanner are 350,000 to 1. So while everybody is now convinced that the Shadow Lord is Harry Tanner, it still might have been too late to save Apollo and Midnighter's relationship. I think the Midnighter is crazy enough to look past Apollo not trusting him and wanting to kill him. But I don't think Apollo will forgive himself as easily.

With the entire team against Harry Tanner, he doesn't stand a chance. Too bad the entire team isn't against him.

I guess the in-fighting is going to continue for at least another issue. The Earth is going to be destroyed while these assholes bicker amongst themselves!

The Engineer evolved during the confrontation with Harry Tanner, probably a result of her consuming the Neanderthal's Devolver in an earlier issue. Her evolution causes her to believe that Harry Tanner's vision of Stormwatch destroying super heroes is the way to go, so she turns on everybody else. Apollo and Midnighter retreat out of an airlock and into hyperspace.

Jack Hawksmoor continues to stand around ineffectually.

Stormwatch #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I know I normally frown on super heroes beating up on other super heroes but this really is a well done and special case. Harry Tanner has been an evil prick from the beginning so he's really a Stormwatch villain. And The Engineers sudden switching of sides would be annoying except everyone has really been waiting for her to flip out because of her consumption of the Devolver. And since most of my views and beliefs aren't based on a foundational set of ethics but on taking each individual case and weighing it on its own merits, I can let Stormwatch off the hook for fighting amongst themselves. For now!