Stormwatch #17

At this point, Midnighter is simply calculating the best way to die.

Except being Midnighter, he's apparently figured out a way to survive! He punches Apollo in the nose which breaks it but it also brings Apollo out of the fugue state that the Engineer had zapped him into. Once Apollo fires up, I guess he has the ability to fly out of Hyperspace. Perhaps it's only difficult to get into hyperspace (unless you're a Red Lantern and then you can simply tear your way in). Maybe to get out of hyperspace, you just have to aim toward Australia and fall.

See? Australia!

I don't know if Midnighter and Apollo broke up in Young Romance #1 by now or not. It really doesn't matter since Midnighter has been trying to break it off with Apollo for several issues now. And now that Apollo has shown that he doesn't trust Midnighter (why the fuck should he?!), Midnighter now has an excuse to make the break up stick.

But of course it won't! Especially now that it's the two of them against Harry Tanner and The Engineer. They're going to bond over trying to survive. And maybe they'll have to cuddle with each other to stay warm in the Australian desert. You know? At night! It gets really cold in deserts at night!

Before Apollo and Midnighter can begin cuddling, The Engineer tries to disintegrate them with a blast from The Eye of the Storm. I guess laser barrages also exit hyperspace easily enough when aimed at Australia.

Meanwhile on the Eye of the Storm, Jack Hawksmoor finally wakes up and decides to be a part of this fucking team. The only thing he's done so far is gossip with the occasional city. Maybe he's done some other stuff. He probably ran someplace really fast with his funny looking feet. But I'll have to keep being unsure of anything he's ever done in this version of Stormwatch because once again, he comes up empty. The Engineer opens up a teleport door and sends him to Brazil. The Projectionist jumps in after him.

Jack Hawksmoor needs to level up so he can simply talk to the Earth since it sort of acts as one gigantic city in space.

Back on the Eye of the Storm, The Engineer makes a command decision to wipe out all of humanity. Seems like a pretty good plan.

The Engineer knocks Harry down with compressed air. I think she's simply trying to humiliate him at this point.

So The Engineer has complete control of The Eye of the Storm and is going to use it to eliminate humanity. Jenny Quantum can't stop her because The Engineer induced some kind of continuous seizure in her. Jack Hawksmoor can't stop her because he's dying in the jungle. The Projectionist can't stop her because The Engineer isn't destroying the world with a blog. Apollo and Midnighter can't stop her because...actually, maybe they can! If they'd just stop arguing for a second!

I finally read the right comic books in the right order!

The person Midnighter is hunting down for help to defeat The Engineer is Zealot. Zealot was last seen naked in the bed of Deathstroke before he had to run off to fight Stillborn. Hopefully she's ditched that asshole's comic book since he never let her say anything anyway. Besides, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that remembers Zealot was fucking Deathstroke anyway.

And since Midnighter is recruiting new members for the battle, The Engineer decides to recruit a new member as well.

You don't say "reactivate"! You have to say OMACTIVATE! Duh!

Stormwatch #17 Rating: No change. Is Stormwatch trying to fill out their ranks a little bit? Does OMAC actually have a place on this team once The Engineer is returned to normal and Harry is defeated? I guess Zealot is a natural fit since she's a Wildstormian as well. I hope she's not too embarrassed for trying to date Deathstroke merely to have Liefeld forget about her once Deathstork Deathstroke had sex with her. I still don't know if I like Zealot or not because she's only appeared in a Liefeld comic so far and you can't judge anything coming out of that fucking mess. Well, you can judge Liefeld! But you can't judge any of the characters because Liefeld sucks at characterization. And art. And plotting.

Stormwatch #16

If Indigo-1's words of wisdom that rage and love go hand to hand are true, then this is the greatest love of all.

Harry Tanner has become the Fourth Man Shadow Lord and has turned all of Stormwatch against Midnighter. He had to do this because he knew Midnighter would see through his lie almost immediately. I don't know what Harry Tanner has told the other three Shadow Lords. Perhaps they're simply so far above everything else that they don't really care what happens with Stormwatch on a day to day basis.

And then Midnighter found himself bested by Grifter in Grifter's comic book where logic and rationality go to die.

While Harry has easily convinced The Engineer of Midnighter's betrayal and turned Apollo against Midnighter by making him believe Midnighter never loved him and was only using him, Harry really hasn't made an effort to convince Jack and Jenny of his lie. So I speculated last commentary that it would be up to these two to figure out the truth. And by the third page, they're well on their way.

Is that The Fox who was turned into a portal by Harry Tanner?

And then Apollo catches up with Midnighter and the greatest of all lover's quarrels begins! Apollo definitely has the upper hand because The Midnighter's offensive options are limited. He doesn't want to hurt Andrew, so he's going to have to play defense for as long as possible. But Apollo is fast and strong and thoroughly pissed off.

The Engineer and Harry Tanner have a discussion as they speed off to watch Apollo kill Midnighter. And that discussion is Harry Tanner's downfall because he treats Angie exactly like he treated her while he was breaking her heart. Apparently no matter what the disguise or how good the lie, an asshole is always going to be an asshole.

One thing that's hard to hide is the irritation caused by dealing with an ex.

Harry Tanner, Shadow Lord, commands Apollo not to kill Midnighter yet. Instead they all transport back up to the Eye of the Storm where Harry Tanner can execute Midnighter properly. Why do the bad guys always stop the thing they most want done simply so they can witness it or say a speech before it or some other silly reason that will delay it just long enough for everything to go wrong? You bad guys suck at being bad guys! Finally Harry Tanner uses his new Shadow Lord powers (unless these are part of his sword creation powers) to blast Midnighter into nothingness!

Now you want it done nice and quick! Also note that this is yet another shoot your own dog moment. A lot of that going on in The New 52 the last couple of months.

Before Apollo can get around to killing his man, Jenny Quantum appears out of a wormhole with The Fox. Nobody would believe Midnighter when he said the Shadow Lord was Harry Tanner because The Midnighter is a psychopath. But The Fox's burnt out villainous corpse is a bit more convincing somehow when it points out the Shadow Lord is Harry Tanner. And if that isn't convincing enough, The Engineer explains that her nanites have determined that the odds of the Shadow Lord not being Harry Tanner are 350,000 to 1. So while everybody is now convinced that the Shadow Lord is Harry Tanner, it still might have been too late to save Apollo and Midnighter's relationship. I think the Midnighter is crazy enough to look past Apollo not trusting him and wanting to kill him. But I don't think Apollo will forgive himself as easily.

With the entire team against Harry Tanner, he doesn't stand a chance. Too bad the entire team isn't against him.

I guess the in-fighting is going to continue for at least another issue. The Earth is going to be destroyed while these assholes bicker amongst themselves!

The Engineer evolved during the confrontation with Harry Tanner, probably a result of her consuming the Neanderthal's Devolver in an earlier issue. Her evolution causes her to believe that Harry Tanner's vision of Stormwatch destroying super heroes is the way to go, so she turns on everybody else. Apollo and Midnighter retreat out of an airlock and into hyperspace.

Jack Hawksmoor continues to stand around ineffectually.

Stormwatch #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I know I normally frown on super heroes beating up on other super heroes but this really is a well done and special case. Harry Tanner has been an evil prick from the beginning so he's really a Stormwatch villain. And The Engineers sudden switching of sides would be annoying except everyone has really been waiting for her to flip out because of her consumption of the Devolver. And since most of my views and beliefs aren't based on a foundational set of ethics but on taking each individual case and weighing it on its own merits, I can let Stormwatch off the hook for fighting amongst themselves. For now!

Stormwatch #13

Finally! Etrigan in modern times! Perhaps he's Vandal Savage's cellmate.

The cover makes it look like Midnighter is trying to stab Apollo in the face while Etrigan holds him still for him. I hope that's what is actually happening since judging by these angles, Midnighter is definitely not trying to stab Etrigan.

In the present, Etrigan is buried beneath a building known as Malory House. The apartment building has a reputation for being unlucky. Apparently "unlucky" is the polite British way of saying "horribly fucking evil." The occupants of this house seem to be killers and insane people. Or normal people living here simply go insane or disappear mysteriously or practice weird, cannibalistic habits. Maybe I shouldn't have said "weird" since that implies judgment and I wouldn't want to judge any cannibals unfairly. The apartment building was built upon the grounds of a past Victorian madhouse and, before that, the "hunting grounds of a Georgian-era killer called Bloody Ben." This would suggest that Etrigan was buried in this location no later than some time in the 18th Century. No wonder there has been no sign of Etrigan lately.

Whoops. Strike that last burial estimate. If he's beneath the "plague bones," he had to have been buried before the mid-14th Century. I think. Someone check the math!

If Etrigan has been buried for close to 700 years, that means that Jason Blood has spent the last 700 years in Hell. Fun! Unless, of course, he figured out a way to separate himself from Etrigan before that. Maybe Jason Blood buried this asshole and went on with his mortal life, passing on with all the other mortals hundreds of years ago. I'm tempted to dig out I, Vampire to see if they mention any dates as to when Cain encountered Etrigan and became cursed by the Demon Knights, but I don't think any of those stories were given specific time stamps.

A young boy in the building has been drawing demons on walls to try to get his mind off of the "naughty words" he mustn't say. He runs out of crayons so I suspect it'll just be a few more pages before he chants the Form of Man speech, possibly infecting himself with Etrigan. Perhaps Blood did find a way to break the curse. But it must have left the curse so that someone else saying the words would end up stuck with Etrigan. And now Etrigan is using his influence on this boy's sensitive mind to make this happen. Perhaps all these years, Etrigan's power and influence drew crazy and unstable people to live above him yet he wasn't able to manipulate those kinds of minds. But he's finally got a victim now that an apartment building has been built above him.

Nearby, Midnighter and Apollo are trying to take a relaxing night off at a London bar. But Midnighter can't relax since he's sensing the insanity and craziness infecting the people around him.

Okay, so Apollo thought they were taking a night off. Midnighter never takes a night off.

Meanwhile on the Eye of the Storm, Jenny is fiddling with the gigantic horn from Superman #1. And she's also interrogating Jack Hawksmoor to figure out why he joined Stormwatch. But she doesn't get very far before The Engineer shows up to chastise everyone because she's a strong woman that will make history. No, no. She's just being a total bitch. Jenny thinks it's because she swallowed the Neanderthal's Devolver. Hawksmoor believes she's just pining over Harry Tanner.

And speaking of Harry Tanner, he's off to fool the Shadow Lords into believing he's the Fourth Man.

Ah! Young love!

Far from the Arctic Antarctica or wherever Harry Tanner is now, Apollo and Midnighter are subduing all of the crazies surrounding Malory House. Midnighter just beats the shit out of anyone acting crazy without worrying about whether or not they're being influenced by something else. He just concentrates on getting the job done. That's why he's in Stormwatch instead of that pansy-assed Justice League with Batman always overly concerned with not killing anyone. Batman's plan would have been to spray Bat-lube all over the ground and encase everyone in a Bat-net so that nobody would be hurt too badly. Midnighter's plan is to knock out as many teeth as possible.

Eventually, their "investigation" leads them to the apartment of the sensitive guy coloring pictures and summoning demons. And he's all out of bubble gum.

Yes? Yes? Release the demon...?

Once this sensitive mind chants the words, Madame Xanadu perks up and pisses herself. The Specter (newly created over in Phantom Stranger #0) senses a disturbance in the force. And John Constantine cums in his pants.

And then Etrigan awakens. A sinkhole collapses a large section of Malory House. And in the dust, Midnighter sees (and smells) a confused, winged figure. He jumps at the chance to take it out and is laid out flat in one lazy backhand from Etrigan. I like Midnighter and Apollo but my loyalties are with Etrigan! Go for it, you crazy yellow bitch!

Oh come on! He was going to rhyme "incarceration" with "masturbation," obviously.

Stormwatch #13 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm feeling particularly generous simply because those damned Zero Issues are over. Also, this comic book was terrific. Paul Cornell and Peter Milligan have done a great job building the history of Demon Knights and Stormwatch. And it's issues like this that show what kind of payoff you can have when you build a solid title around believable characters and a great concept.