Dial H for Hero #7

It's for You, God.

In the mid-90s, I worked with this dude Doug who was on capitalism's side in a debate we were having. He said, "What's a hobby you're really into?" And I was a big old stupid virgin so I said, "Magic the Gathering." And he said, "Well, if you lived in a socialist or communist country, you wouldn't have enough money for Magic the Gathering." I don't want to get into the weeds on this argument or how to defeat it (but I totally could and it involves two Black Vises and a Shivan Dragon). I just want to point out how now, in the twenty-tens, people's argument for defending capitalism's health care system is to tell everybody to stop spending money on their hobbies and the things they love so they can afford it. So I just want to say, "Fuck you, Doug."

As an aside, I'd also like to say "Fuck you!" to that guy in the Magic the Gathering sealed deck league who once cast the sorcery Winter Blast as an instant. Sure, it was my fault for not realizing it at the time but he was still one of those assholes who tried to get away with whatever he wanted whenever he could. Fuck you, dude. Oh, and also, "Ha ha!" Because I beat him with the last card in my draw pile: Ball Lightning. In your face, motherfucker!

I brought the Doug thing up because the first thing I thought when I picked up this comic book from the top of the unread stack was, "Could I afford health insurance if I stopped buying this comic?" If anybody knows any good health insurance policies for $3.99 a month, I'll be saving enough each month after dropping this title.

Why is Robby Reed in a vagina?

If you don't get the premise for Dial H for Hero, I'm not going to explain it to you. Because I don't get it. The title says "Dial H for Hero" but it seems like people are constantly dialing the entire word. I think there was even a time when you could dial HERO backwards to become a villain. But Dial O for Villain is a stupid name for a comic book (please don't use that statement as evidence that I think "Dial H for Hero" is not a stupid title for a comic book. I never fucking said that). I feel like one of the dials I saw in some version of this comic book only had the letters H-E-R and O or else why would I have tried to come up with all the other weird things you could dial, like OREO for a quick snack or HORROR for Cthulhu or HOHOHO for either presents or a quickie or EEEEE! for comic book reviews that often forget to review the comic book? Although I think this current series just has a normal dial on a normal rotary phone that's quickly becoming mysterious technology to young people.

The main reason I kept purchasing this comic book was for the fun origin stories in different art styles every time somebody used the phone. But it feels like that part of the comic isn't as prevalent now that the plot has really started rolling along. That's why this is my last issue. That and the need to afford health insurance!

This issue does practically the opposite of what I liked. It highlights a number of different new heroes but doesn't give their secret origin at all! Instead it's like a modern game show where the audience gets to learn all about the contestant when what the audience really wants is to see the contestant play a fucking game for money. I don't care if Tony had low self-esteem and was dating a jerk before he became Sir Prize. Tell me how Sir Prize became Sir Prize, you stupid fucking Howie Mandel of a comic book! Later we learn the girl who becomes Phantasma was tired of dealing with her Lex Luthor Healthcare provider. But I don't care about that! I want to know how Phantasma became Phantasm! This fucking comic book betrayed me! I can't wait to spend my extra $3.99 on corporate health insurance that will try their hardest to not have to pay my medical bills so they can reward their CEOs with more big bonuses.

Throughout the stories, a silent hero has been saving everybody without waiting for a word of thanks. In the end, it winds up being a dog. Boo! BOOOO! The problem with some writers is that they get all of their ideas from the Internet and this was absolutely the story thought up by somebody who has seen the "Dogs are too pure for us" bullshit all over the Internet. As if a starving dog wouldn't eat your face! Dogs aren't pure. They're just needy assholes!

This panel proves this comic book should be called "Dial H-E-R-O for Hero."

Dial H for Hero #7 Rating: C. I'm not anti-social justice story arcs in comic books. Hell, what else are superhero comic books supposed to be about?! Heroes fighting to keep corporate America and the patriarchy in power? Of course not! But what does irk me and it's why I'm no fan of writers like Humphries who seem to take most of their plots directly from Tumblr threads or Twitter memes. In this comic book alone, we have a gay guy in a slightly abusive relationship who eventually finds a group of weirdos who accept him for who he is, a woman angry at a health care provider not providing proper healthcare to protect its own bottom line, an angry youth who tries to use violence to get revenge and winds up being killed, and a fucking hero that's too good to be true because of course it's a fucking dog. It's like a comic book ticking all the boxes for maximum Tumblr reblogs! My issue isn't that somebody decided to write a comic book like this. My issue is that Sam Humphries only writes comic books like this. His Green Lantern with social anxiety was pure "Tumblr is going to love this character!" fawning bullshit. Most of my problem with the character (and this issue) comes down to execution. Just like when I pick up an Ann Nocenti book and know immediately that the characters are going to speak nonsense but still being open to a well written story if it happens (it never happens), I'm all for Sam Humphries impressing me with his "I'm writing for Tumblr" style. He was successful for six issues of this series (which it's too bad I wasn't doing reviews of at the time. So sorry, Sam!). I really enjoyed the style of this series. But this issue just reminded me why I was hesitant to buy a Sam Humphries comic book.

On the other hand, the dog meme translated into this story wasn't that bad! And how can I be angry at the health care story when I began this thing ranting about health care! And, ultimately, I approve of stories in which one person tells another person to be themselves. What better paradoxical advice is there (other than don't fuck your grandmother when you time travel)? It's just that I'm just a hyperbolic bastard who can only respond to how long of an eye roll a comic garnered from me. And let me tell you, that dog reveal was a pretty fucking hefty Liz Lemon eye roll.

Dial "H" for Hero!

Part Two of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

"When teenage genius Robby Reed [Why did he need to be a genius?] found himself caught in the middle of a crime rampage by the organization known as Thunderbolt, he was hurled from a cliff to what appeared to be certain doom by a mechanical menace. [Well that's fucking vague as fuck.] Miraculously, Robby survived the fall and found himself in a previously unexplored cavern.

There, Robby uncovered a weird dial inscribed with an alien language. Discovering he had a mental link to the dial [That's queer. A mental link with an inanimate piece of metal?], Robby was able to decipher the alien characters and dial the alien equivalent of H-E-R-O. This instantly transformed him into the super-hero known as Giant-Boy [My, my. They were so creative in the 60s!], and began his heroic career. Each time Robby dialed those four letters, he became a new and different hero, each endowed [Hee hee. Endowed!] with strange and wonderful powers to battle Thunderbolt as well as other villains and menaces.

Robby's super-heroic career came to an abrupt and unexpected end when he confronted a villain called Shirkon of the Many Eyes. In order to defeat the villain, Robby dialed S-P-L-I-T on his dial and was transformed into two entities, one a being of pure goodness called The Wizard and the other a being of pure evil called The Master. While The Wizard defeated Shirkon, The Master dialed the H-dial into oblivion [Ooh! Ooh! That's the guy from the current series, right?! The one that lives in the Null Creature!] and wiped out the past memories of Robby Reed.

Some years later, Christopher King and Victoria Grant were summoned by a mysterious voice to the attic of the house into which the King family had just moved. There, in an ornate chest, they discovered two small dials, each with the letters H-E-R-O inscribed upon its face. Unbeknownst to Chris or Vicki, these dials had been created by the same Wizard who had once been half of Robby Reed. [Gross.]

Though their dials had only four letters each [I wonder if Chris kept trying to get Vicki to dial H-O-R-E?] and their transformations were limited to an hour's duration, Chris and Vicki's transformations were as bizarre as any of those experienced by Robby Reed. Eventually, they revealed their powers to their friend Nick Stevens [So what your saying is they revealed their "endowments"?], a young artist who liked to design super-heroes--heroes that Chris and Vicki invariably became. [No wonder Manteau keeps transforming into sexist, half-naked heroes!]

Chris and Vicki used their powers to battle numerous super-villains, many of whom were created by the evil Master [Shouldn't that be the evil The Master?], who sought their H-dials, though he was never really sure exactly why. Years before, The Master had apparently slain the Wizard [So we're just going to stop capitalizing the "the"?], but in fact had merely released the Wizard's spirit to a higher plane of existence [Like Vader did to Obi Wan!] where he could search oblivion for his original H-dial.

The final confrontation between Wizard and Master was witnessed by Chris, Vicki, and Nick. The astral form of the Wizard had located the original H-dial and then used it to dial both the Wizard and Master back into one being--Robby Reed. Robby explained the truth about his two selves to Chris, Nick, and Vicki, then announced he was giving up hero-dialing forever. He presented his original dial to Nick. [What did Robby Reed do after this? How many years had passed? Did he just get a job at a truck stop? I need closure!]

Though they have been inactive in recent months, Chris, Nick, and Vicki retain their H-dials, ever ready [Speaking of "ever ready," George Knapp on Coast to Coast tonight described a guest as "the everready bunny" because he "keeps going and going." Let's hope Energizer isn't a sponsor of the radio show!] to Dial "H" for Hero."

First Appearance (Robby Reed): HOUSE OF MYSTERY #156
(Chris and Vicki): ADVENTURE COMICS #479

Dial H #0

I was going to call this post "Dial H for Zero" but didn't want to confuse the easily confused. Also, the file name for the cover is DialH0.

According to the cover (and possibly Wikipedia), the rotary telephone was based on a mystic Sumerian device. I almost called it an Egyptian device before I switched that to Babylonian because of the woman holding it and then I noticed the cuneiform numbers and decided it was Sumerian. Too bad the rotary telephone didn't maintain the outer dial with the astrological symbols. I wonder how those would work? "Hey babe, what's your sign?" "Fuck you. I'm not giving you my phone number, you asshole."

I hope the original dial was created by Enkidu to help Gilgamesh defeat the Humbaba.

Plot twist: The first Dial was a Sun Dial.

The original Dial took four days and six adults to dial up the transformation. Every day at noon the gigantic stone block had to be turned so that the shadow fell on the correct segment to create a shield emblem. Laodice, a woman who dreamed true dreams, and some other youths remained behind in the city while the rest of the inhabitants fled from some mysterious thing, hoping their armies outside the city might stop it.

On the fourth day just before noon, the mysterious thing bearing down on the city and its army appears: Mushussu, the beast of Babylon.

Is this where Mulan's Mushu got his name?

Since this is the Beast of Babylon, I decided to actually look up the relationship between Sumer and Babylon to see why the Dial would have cuneiform. According to the great and almighty Wikipedia (which is merely just an old man and a bunch of territorial nerds behind a curtain), Babylon retained the Sumerian language for religious purposes although it was no longer a spoken language. And since the sundial has been here for as long as the people can remember, it's probably Sumerian in origin while this story is taking place in Babylon. Anyway, why the fuck do I care? I should stop getting hung up on the details!

Or not! That's the best part about reading comics. The visuals give so many clues to where something's happening and what's going on that a good writer doesn't need to spell everything out in a page full of Narration Boxes.

So, back to the story, Laodice does not run from the Beast. She calmly waits for noon to arrive on the fourth day before touching the symbol on the sundial just as Mushussu approaches.

If this had been Sumer, that could have been Humbaba about to bite her head off.

Too bad for Mushusuu, he arrived a second too late.

Apparently the Dial's power exists outside of time since I'm almost positive that Bumper Car is anachronistic. No, wait. Rereading the Wikipedia entry on Babylon, it says they invented the Bumper Car for the culminating event during their Festival of the Lost Penis (alternately known as The Festival of the Weeping Vagina).

Bumper Carla bumps the Beast into Fairground Hell and saves the day. Everyone rejoices and bows down to Laodice and thanks her for saving their lives. Laodice acts magnanimous and does not remind them how often they laughed and jeered at her when she was telling them her dreams. Except the few times she dreamt about fucking Ishtar on a stage with men throwing coins at them. They all wanted to hear that dream over and over again.

After Mushussu is gone, Laodice notices that the Wacky Sundial has disappeared cracked into rubble. Laodice becomes the city's wise woman while her friend Stratonice travels the world seeking clues to the magic sundial.

Are those the hanging gardens! What an ancient wonder!

Laodice's friend says she never found out any more about this man. But after a few panels where the speech bubbles are assigned to the wrong person, Laodice takes her friend down to the dungeon where she shows her a wizard that came to Babylon just three days ago. Perhaps this man was not following her but seeking where she had come from?

Shit! That looks like Nelson's ham hand! Or Anguished Fat Guy's!

But it's not. It's the hand of a man from another world. His name is Slim and he can open portals between worlds. He's come to find Bumper Carla who is on a mission of vengeance. Because when Laodice used the Sundial, she stole Bumper Carla's powers for a short time. In that time, many innocent people died in her home world of The Fair. Bumper Carla blamed the person who stole her powers. Through some better than Batman detective work and some fantastic research that probably involved Wikipedia, Bumper Carla figured out where her powers went. She portaled to Babylon and hunted down Laodice, killing her because Laodice never spoke with Slim to hear his warning. And that's pretty much the end of that story.

So while China never gives us an origin for the Dial, he does introduce some serious conflict and problems with using the Dial. Nelson is stealing powers from beings from other worlds and dimensions to use as his own. During that time, they become normal. Does this mean every other issue will have Nelson fighting crime and then every other issue after that will be Nelson saving his own ass from the people he stole the powers from? Whatever the case, Nelson has already pissed off a hell of a lot of super powered people in the first few issues.

Dial H #0 Rating: Problematic!

Dial H #1

If this guy is relying on phone booths, let alone phone booths with rotary dials, he's humped.

Dial H is the first comic of DC's Second Wave of New 52 titles. I've got three more new titles immediately following this one and am looking forward to all of them except G.I. Combat written by J.T. Krul. Although it also features the creative team from All Star Western, so maybe J.T. Krul's shit won't be smeared throughout the issue.

Dial H is written by China Mieville. I had never heard the name but DC was hyping the fact that an actual, real honest-to-goodness author was at the helm of one of their comics that I decided to see who the hell this China was.

Bit of an up and comer over the last decade, isn't he? I don't generally read a lot of new Science Fiction or Fantasy literature. Mostly it's because there is so much of it that I've never taken the time to research what's worth reading and the other mostly because I still have many Philip K. Dick novels left to read. But I'll give this author the benefit of the doubt seeing as how he likes the weird (so do I!), he played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons (as did I!), and he's a card carrying Marxist (I have a worker owned business!). Plus he's a writer who had the motivation and ambition to actually write novels in the actual world whereas I have never had the ambition nor the motivation nor the need for pats on the back and thus my writing languishes in pads and pads of paper, multiple text documents on laptop desktops, and my litter of webpages across the last decade and a half (most notably 1/3 of No Apologies! but my current homestead, somewhat abandoned as I catch up on comic books, Places & Predators). But just because he's an award winning and established author doesn't mean he can write a decent comic book! Look at that other writer they've got over there doing Birds of Prey! Bleck!

Before I jump into Dial H, I think I'll head over to The Cup and Saucer for breakfast. Be right back.

The hero. Quite a bit fatter than Bolland's cover.

This is our protagonist, Nelse. A man in his late twenties who just recently suffered a heart attack. He's out of shape, smokes, and lives in a crappy little dump of a toilet. His friend, Darren, has had enough and storms out. Perhaps Darren is also a protagonist since he gets little Blue Narration Boxes and Nelse gets little Yellow Narration Boxes. I just assumed the big guy was the main character since he's on the cover.

Darren knows Nelse has been really down on himself lately seeing that he's jobless and out of shape and nearly died. And Nelse knows Darren is only looking out for him so Nelse runs off down the alley to catch up to Darren and apologize.

That phone booth you ran buy is magic, H.R. Huffenpuff!

The guys jumping Darren aren't just random muggers. They're beating up Darren for some guy or thing or woman named "X.N." Apparently Darren didn't keep a promise. Or it could be retaliation for wearing that orange jogging suit. It's hard to say in such a depressing little shitsville town as Littleville.

Nelse gets punched in the face and knocked backward by the decrepit phone booth in the alley. Since he seems to have forgotten his cell phone, he jumps into the phone booth to call someone for help. When he uses the phone, he's transformed into Boy Chimney.

Is this is super persona because he smokes?

Now would seem a good time to research the old Dial H for Hero comic. Who's Who here I come! Dial "H" for Hero first appeared in, big surprise, House of Mystery #156 in 1966. House of Mystery seemed to a be fertile ground for creating long standing DC titles. Some kid found a rotary dial with alien letters on it and he figured out how to dial the equivalent of H-E-R-O in the alien's alphabet. Why he did this or why he thought that was a good idea instead of dialing S-E-X or, well, S-E-X, I have no idea. But when he dialed HERO, he became a hero with random super powers, never the same one twice. He had to dial O-R-E-H to transform back into a normal kid. At some point, some other kid received the power and then didn't need the dial because, you know, how stupid is that. He would transform into a new hero every single hour! So I guess even when he slept he would just keep changing over and over again. So that's a very brief synopsis of the history of this title.

After reading about Dial "H" for Hero, I'm guessing Boy Chimney won't be a constant character in the book. Being that China's fiction is described as Weird Fantasy, he probably was attracted to the idea of creating new and strange super heroes every month. This title already feels a little bit like Doom Patrol. Boy Chimney would certainly fit in there.

Nelse's mind seems to be somewhat split as the new hero. He knows he's Nelse but he also knows he's Boy Chimney. He instinctively understands all of his new smoke powers but he doesn't quite understand the strange things he's saying although they reflect what he's thinking. By breathing in the smoke of the city, Boy Chimney knows everything the smoke has touched. He can see the entire city by breathing deep. He also nearly kills Darren's attackers by drowning them in the poisons of the city. But he allows them to live as he makes his escape with his unconscious friend.

Oh! Nelse is short for Nelson. I is smartish!

Just after Nelson delivers Darren to the paramedics, he returns to his fat, normal self and collapses on the rooftop. The last Dial "H" for Hero guy who transformed every hour on the hour would lose his powers after expending a certain amount of energy. It looks like that's the same deal with Nelson. I have a feeling he won't simply keep transforming though. This story is going to deal with these two friends and their all too normal human problems, so they're going to have to spend a lot of time as normal guys. He'll probably experiment with the phone booth again later and get Darren to try it out as well. Then they'll take care of this "X.N." person and whatever other problems they've got in their lives.

Later, one of the guys that beat up Darren calls up X.N. to report on what happened. It looks like these trouble-makers already have a female super hero they're dealing with called Manteau. Which is fitting because she wears a hooded cape. But this bald asshole wants protection from Boy Chimney since fighting creeps with super powers if beyond them. And it sounds like X.N. is going to provide them with some kind of super villain.

The next day, Nelson heads back to the phone booth.

I would think somebody would have carted this Phone Booth off into their flat years ago!

Nelson finally stumbles on the correct combination by remembering he dialed a short string of numbers and then just dialing random words as he's thinking. He stumbles upon "if so" and BAM! He's a new Hero! This one is made of sadness and cries a lot.

Sometimes I sit in the dark and weep like a super hero too!

Nelson, as Captain Lachrymose, warns the bald guy, Vernon Boyne, to leave Darren alone. But that's all he gets the chance to do since Vernon is guarded by an elderly woman with a black hole for a mouth. Now that's a direct link to the last run of Doom Patrol where they recruited the guy that was a living black hole! But Nelson isn't sure what to do about fighting another person with super powers since he's so new to the game, so he retreats after threatening Vernon.

After the encounter, Vernon gives X.N. a call for new orders now that they've got some weirdo or weirdos constantly butting into their business. The new orders are to just kill Darren and be done with the whole mess. That actually sounds like a pretty good evil guy plan for once. Let's just wash our hands of this fuckery we've gotten ourselves into and move on. We also get a glimpse of The Owner, a guy sealed off behind some glass and wearing a radioactive suit of sorts. He also has long, weird fingers.

At the end of the issue, Nelson returns to the phone booth one last time. Curious? Or is he addicted to the power? He realizes just before dialing one more time that the number, 4376, spells HERO. And that's that for the first issue.

Dial H #1 Rating: I was prepared to not like this comic because an actual author was writing it and who does he think he is being all writerly and literate and shit? But this is a really good book so far. Doom Patrol has always been a favorite of mine due to all the weird and this comic has that feel. I also like that the protagonists are normal guys who, it appears, we're going to get to know as normal guys. What is going to happen to them when they have so much power at their fingertips? Especially since Darren is already into some pretty ethically ambiguous stuff. I'm going to place Dial H at Rank 15 just between Suicide Squad and I, Vampire.